7 Reasons Why All Girls are Naughty Girls | Girls Chase

7 Reasons Why All Girls are Naughty Girls

Chase Amante

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naughty girlsFew things capture the mind’s attention as much as naughty girls do. Those female celebrities we deem “naughty” get more press than anybody else in Hollywood. The girls in your social circle who come with the “naughty girl” label attached get talked about, competed for and with, and debated more than any other male or female. And everyone has a strong opinion on them – love them, hate them, or both at the same time.

What you may not realize, though, is why people are so obsessed with the naughty girls around them and in their media. Why is that saucy, spicy, naughty women command us to pay attention so?

The reason – the real, core reason – is because ALL girls are naughty girls... and deep down each of us knows this.

Some men hope that by sharing opinions unfavorable toward naughty behavior, they’ll encourage girls to keep a lid on it and be the “good wives”, as it were; other men hope that by praising naughtiness, they’ll open up a world of naughty, slutty, sexually liberated women for their own enjoyment.

And women? Women are a constant mess of trying to decide if they should banish their naughty side to the hinterlands, or switch it on full throttle and enjoy the ride.

What’s this mean for you? Well, if you’re a man, and you’re trying to act like that cute, sweet little angel you’re dating doesn’t have a nasty, naughty nymph lurking deep within her, you’re doing her a great disservice by leaving an important part of her unsatisfied. And failing to satisfy women creates problems for you, both in sleeping with new women, and in hanging onto the ones you’ve already got.

If you’re a woman, and you’ve been keeping your naughty side under lock-and-key, even with your boyfriends, well... you should probably think about reconsidering that... before you explode. There is great seductive power in naughtiness, and a woman who knows how to tap into her naughty, steer it, and control it is one who knows how to work men with the best of them, and consistently get what she wants.

Yet, in case you are not yet convinced, I’ve compiled a list of the seven (7) key reasons why all girls are naughty girls... and you should find each of these seven reasons every part fun, and informative. Here’s each reason, in no particular order.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.

GET CHASE’S ONE DATE SYSTEM

Comments

Wolf's picture

Hey chase, I just wanted to know if you could make an article about getting pass this situation im going through about the past? Pretty much getting over bad memories, rejections, regrets, and changing people's perception of you.

Basically not having your bad past memories come and haunt you of who you once were after your self improvement.

How to change how people thought about you before your self improvement and now see you as the new you and let them know you really changed and it's real.

making the past irrelevant and not living for other people.

Thank you Chase

Torus's picture

Hi Chase,
when reading this article I realized how my own mindset has shifted from "some girls are naughty" to "all girls are naughty, (and just might not have realized it)" in the last two years. So my experience mirrors yours.

But one interesting question: How do you know, that these experiences are true for ALL girls? Since no one gets every girl they approach, there might me a selection effect going on on the side of the girl, where she sense something that is really putting her off. Or even that the seducer kind of feels that he would not get along with a girl and he does not even make the next move. I mean the attitude taught here on girlschase works with a wide variety of girls, but maybe we (and the whole community) might be gaming just a subgroup of girls. I am a bit worried I might be missing out on great but different girls.

Some points speak against it:
-evolutionary psychology makes general patterns more likely
-girls who are put off by sexual men often have issue/damages you don't want to get into anyway

But I cannot rule out that their might exist different type of girl (maybe even associate with a different evolutionary mating strategy and genes) which are e.g. completely put off by moving fast but might make the best girlfriends ever. (Exaggerating). So maybe all the providers type out there are optimized for a different subgroup.

What do you think of this?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Torus-

I think that's pretty common - thinking that women liking sex / enjoying naughtiness might be a selection effect or confirmation bias among guys who are sexually inexperienced. Sounds like you've mostly moved past it already, but are still wondering if maybe you've just been exposed to the ones who are like that by acting the way you do around women, and have missed out on the ones that aren't that way.

There's a lot of research on how men and women act in various sexual situations without constraints - Colt linked to some of it in his recent piece on women wanting multiple partners - but the simpler answer is just, "I've spent close to a decade meeting thousands on thousands of women from every walk of life, in every venue imaginable, of every personality type possible, and there are certain common themes you see in almost all of them."

The conservative good girl who's never been with anyone but her husband and is quiet and reserved I can still make get excited and nervous and aroused around me (even if she may not act on it, or I may not make any effort to lead her to), just like I can the wild party girl who loves sex with randoms and has no qualms about it. When I sleep with the conservative girls, even the ones who take forever to sleep with and give you mountains of resistance and think that the very idea of partying or casual sex is heinous and offensive and wrong, they get as naughty as anyone else, and get thrills out of being bad.

There are a lot of things that differ from person to person, but some are intrinsic; like, people like things that feel good, and sex is one of the things that feels best to 99% of people, so it ends up being something that, once you've removed any socially-constructed walls around it, almost every woman enjoys immensely.

There is about 1% of the population that is asexual - they have no sex drive, or they do have a sex drive but it isn't directed at real people (i.e., they may only have sexual desire for imagined, idealized partners, or cartoon characters, etc. - real people don't interest them sexually). For these individuals, they really AREN'T naughty - or, maybe if you could make their dream partner real, or throw them into Toon Town, they'd be as naughty as everyone else, but with real people they aren't, no matter who the person is or how sexy he or she is.

There are also people of lower sex drives, and their naughtiness is limited. e.g., a girl whose sex drive is much lower than normal for whatever reason (medication, chemical imbalance, etc.) - she won't be too naughty because she just isn't much interested in sex most of the time.

But among the women with sex drives, and who get pleasure (with physical, emotional, or both) out of it, well - women who like and enjoy sex will tend to like and enjoy sex, and that's just how the cookie crumbles.

Chase

V's picture

Hello chase, there seems to be another v on here. I don't know if you who's who, but I just wanted to point it out so you don't think im asking questions all of the time. When I think about this whole picking up thing, I get discouraged and feel like it's way too much to get good at this. I know to be good at anything you have to put the work in and it won't be easy.

But when I think about the amount of effort I have to put in to get to the highest level, it is so daunting to think about. I want to to do it and will. It's more of an emotions thing with me, I feel so excited some times, then I think about it, like damn I gotta keep getting rejected and keep going out and keep feeling socially awkward to sleep with a few girls. When I think of that I feel like a weight is on my back and I feel it's just too much effort mentally and emotionally to sleep with a few girls.

That's just how I feel emotionally, I know what I have to do to be the best with women. It's just these thoughts drain me and I don't feel like putting out so much effort for the rejection.

I don't know how I can stop this feeling of, "it's not worth all of these painful rejections to just sleep with a few girls". I want to stop that thought and make it something I really WANT to do.

The whole process to me just feels overwhelming. I hoped I explained it well, it's kind of hard to explain exactly how I'm feeling. Do you think it's possible for you to give me some tips on why it's worth going through all the struggles and coming out on top and making pick up not feel like a hopeless task? If you could make an article about it I'd appreciate that so much.

Thank you!!!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

V-

Noted on the two Vs. Whether you learn how to be successful with women, and how far down the path toward getting really GOOD with women you get, is worth the effort for you is entirely dependent on 1.) how bad you want it, and 2.) how much effort it's going to take. e.g., for some guys it's pretty easy to get good at this stuff; for others it's fiendishly difficult. Obviously, the individual's level of difficulty impacts how far he's going to take things usually.

Anyway, nobody says you HAVE to go become a master pickup artist. You can always just tighten up your fundamentals and ask out a few new girls a week (a month?) until you find one who's okay enough to be your girlfriend. Especially if you have other priorities in life that are more important to you than women are, and this just isn't a big deal to you. Or you'd prefer to pursue another path toward getting women - e.g., get a good job and be the guy who scoops up the girls in their early 30s who've tired of sleeping with bad boys and now want someone for something more serious, or become a rockstar and sleep with tons of fans and groupies that way.

Of course, if this IS something you want, but you're not taking action on, then you need to sit down and have a long hard look at all the things you really want, and how much action you're taking toward getting them. Most people never take any action to get the things they want, and instead just float along and let life buffet them where it will. Usually they never end up getting the things they want, because the only way to get what you want is massive action.

It ultimately comes down to willpower. Do you have the willpower to look at yourself and say, "I am filled with fear and doubts and insecurities but SCREW THAT I'm going and doing it ANYWAY," or do you not? If you don't have that, no amount of advice and encouragement from everyone else in the world will get you there. Everything new you begin is immensely hard at the beginning. That's why so few people ever build amazing bodies, amass gigantic fortunes, invent things that change the world, or get truly good with women. Most folks will never overcome that hump in the beginning, because it's just too hard to stop living lives they're comfortable (if unsatisfied) with and start living lives that are very uncomfortable but lead them to living their dreams.

Chase

Balla's picture

I just read your post on the forum about sex vs rape. Im scared as fuck about that and ive been meaning to ask about that situation, but it slipped my mind.

You know how the law feels about black men. I have some serious questions about this situation.

1.Some girls are scornful, what if a girl says you raped her to get revenge on you? Let's say the situation is between a white girl and black guy.

2.How do you know if a girl is playing hard to get or she really doesn't want sex with you without it being obvious?

3.What if you have sex with her raw and she lies because she is scornful and says you raped her, but it was consensual?

I had to ask those questions, stuff like that makes me not even want to pick up chicks like that and it makes me definitely not want to go outside my race.

On to the questions before I read the post:

1. How do you not act corny or lame?

2. How can I get motivation to really sleep with thousands of girls? ( I read the article from ricardus, but I want to know what advice you have)

3. I read that you want to keep your testosterone high and keep playing the field. Are you going to play the field forever?

4. Is sleeping with many girls important for a guy's life?

Thanks

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Balla-

I haven't had to deal with false rape accusations, so I don't want to speculate, but if you find yourself in that situation the one piece of advice I will give you is the one I hear from everyone who knows anything about the legal system all the time: don't talk to the police. Demand a lawyer and refuse to say anything to the police. Watch this video:

No matter how much they pressure you, how much they tell you it'll be easier for you if you just tell them what happened, how cut-and-dry you feel the case will be, don't talk. Just think of it this way: whatever you tell them they will use to try and get a conviction, so don't tell them ANYTHING and INSIST on having a lawyer do your talking for you.

There's a book called What Cops Know that's tremendously informative about the American justice and legal system. According to that book, most murderers are convicted on the back of their own admissions. The justice system is entirely geared around getting confessions out of people; if no one ever confessed, there'd be a fraction as many convictions. I'd guess it's probably the same with false rape accusations: twist the details someone gives you around enough that you can make it sound like they did it. Do not talk except through a lawyer if you want to stay out of jail.

That said, just steer clear of crazy girls, and go out of your way to prevent sex regret. No woman ever falsely accused a man she had warm and fuzzy feelings about sleeping with.

As for discerning whether girls are aloof or just playing hard to get, see these articles:

... but basically, if she likes you, she'll comply with you. If she won't comply, drop her and move on.

If you don't want to be corny or lame, don't make corny/lame jokes, or use goofy humor. Keep it witty and classy (or sexy).

Your motivation is what it is. You can do some things to ratchet it up (e.g., lift heavy weights to increase your testosterone levels; use some mind hacks to increase your sex drive), but ultimately, if you want to sleep with thousands of women you need a naturally (genetic) through-the-roof sex drive, and that's just not something that most people have. You know the people who do, because they have seemingly unlimited energy, are inveterate thrill seekers and risk takers, and are ready and willing to have sex with just about anything that moves. I think there's a limit to how many women you ought to sleep with if you want to do other things with your life; there's a point it reaches where it's too distracting, has become an addiction, and otherwise sucks all your focus away. But, depends on what you're trying to do with your life. If the point of your life is to get inside of as many women as possible, then maybe there's no upper limit.

As for me, I never make predictions about the future, especially not permanent predictions ("I will retire from X thing, forever"). All too often you see a guy say he's always going to play the field, only to settle down and go exclusive with some girl 10 months later, or say he's settling down for life and will never look at another woman again, only to divorce a few years later and hit the field harder than he ever had before. I have a hard time imagining a life when I'd completely remove myself from the field, and think it would be murder on my drive to accomplish what I want to accomplish with my life, but I guess you never know.

Chase

V's picture

Chase, how do I stop giving up so easily. It's like when someone tells me something, im like ok. For example, a girl can say she doesn't want to have sex with me but she comes over my house and I hold her to her word that she doesn't want sex. Then she says why didn't I try. Another example a girl left my house saying she was tired and I let her leave then the next day she says why didn't you push me to stay? Wtf I take things at face value and its stupid they would lie to make me chase them.

Another example would be a clerk telling me they don't have a product or something and ill just say ok no questions asked. Or i can have a debate against someone and have doubt that im wrong. Im just a very ok whatever person . I hate being like this, how do I stop giving in and fight for what I want?

Thank you!!!!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

V-

That's a frustrating problem, yes. I dealt with that for a while too. The easiest way to fix it is to surround yourself with extremely pushy, self-assured people and just mirroring what they do. You just have to get in the habit of pushing back for what you want and being a bulldog about it.

But, check out these two articles - they're all about that:

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Quick question! I've always been considered a very funny person. Funny, I mean with a sense of humor. From what I read here it's like pointing a gun at sexual vibes and killing them all to the one. Any yeah, there's something about it if you are funny like a jester. I'm not a jester, people usually tell me I'm incredibly funny like not me, but my narration of things and comments. Usually I know when I'm going to say something funny but I never laugh at my jokes and I toss things casually with a dead pan face when I can see everybody is just laughing their asses off.

But! And here comes the dilema. When I'm with people, with girls I often hold the center stage, arresting everybody's attention. I get myself and them in a state - I don't know how I do it seriously - when I kill everyone and people are like "oh my god I love this guy" and in this moment/meeting girls are like all over me and they say yes to everything I suggest. I say - let's go and get the hell out of here! and she is all yes! Whatever I offer and suggest to do they want to do. Last time I had a situation I was talking to a girl and we had a laugh and I'm kinda attracted to her and I said causally making it look not a big deal - let's go to the seaside! And she was enthusiastic and said sure ok, this saturday? I know it'll sound weird but I backed out. I told her later I can't make it this Saturday.

The thing is Chase, I tend to make a very good impression and I often see people are impressed with me but I'm afraid to push things as after making a killing evening/meeting I 'm afraid they will expect me to be this killer guy at all times and I am simply a person who has very different stages from being exceptionally bumpy to sitting in silence for hours not having anything to say.

I don't want the girls who think I'm so funny and confident to go out with me, spend more time and see I'm not the guy who they thought I was. And it's not like I'm trying hard to be that way when I'm in their company initially, it's just that I have a state sometimes when I'm a real killer and then go off quietly home and become regular until I have this state again.

Sometimes I feel I make such a good impression that I'm expected to keep it up and I know I wont hold it the next time round so instead of going to the seaside with her I disappear to avoid disappointing.

I also bailed out with the seaside girl because I kinda suspect that girls are so responsive to me and get this "oh yes ' attitude when I get them in the state and I think they would go home, cool off, out of state and they would text me with 'sorry can't make it". how can I check if she's all yes because she's swept up in the excitement of the moment or she's yes because that's what she thinks? I never had the guts to check it out.

and also how can I avoid the role when I know my performance in a given group or with some girls was so good that I avoid to meet them up later (individually) in the fear of not coming up to the level of my initial, previous performance? I really know how to sell myself and come across such a cool extraordinary guy but after all, I'm also sometimes boring with a very regular life. But nobody thinks that when they meet me first time round and I often hear 'oh my god you're extraordinary' or i feel they think so but I'd hate to kill this opinion.

thx for your opinion!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Humor can be very attractive, especially if it leads to preselection or social proof, or you're using sexual humor one-on-one with a girl. But you can get the "inflated expectations" effect IF what a girl likes about you MOST is your humor... that is, if she's with you not because she thinks you're attractive and sexy, but because she expects more entertainment. If she thinks you're attractive, she's going to appreciate it more that you are dialed down around her and not playing the entertainer; if she only enjoys you for the entertainment you bring, she's going to be irked.

I can be very funny myself when I like to. I spent years getting my sense of humor sharp as an axe, and I spent years having crowds of people around me laughing so hard that they were falling on the floor and crying with laughter. These days, I don't use this at all, because I would much rather the women who are looking for entertainment look elsewhere, and the ones who find me attractive stick around and we can get together.

Humor still has a role when you're looking to date and sleep with women, but you want more nuanced, intimate, witty, sexy humor, and much less of the "rolling on the floor laughing at the guy standing there making all those hilarious comments" variety. Also bear in mind that when you're the center of attention in the group, it's VERY hard to just peel off with one girl, because EVERYONE is going to be watching. So, you may get her to come with you, but she's going to slow things way down, because everyone else in the group will ask her, "So how's it going with Anon?" and she knows she needs to be on her best behavior around you.

These days, I find it much more desirable to let someone else take center stage and make us all laugh, while I peel off the prettiest girl to go sneak away and do something private while the rest of the group is busy being entertained. Sometimes you make it back and no one even realizes where you've gone.

It's basically down to "sexy vs. funny". A good sense of humor can add some spice to a sexy personality; but if you've got to choose whether you want to enhance your humor, or you want to enhance your sexiness, go with the latter first, and put a fair bit less focus on the former.

Chase

JuLz's picture

Hey Chase,

Great article putting my assumptions to rest. I truely want to become attractive and be able to attract any and potentially keep a relationship when I want. I've never actually maintained one yet, mostly because I felt it would be dishonest to get with a girl if I didn't have long term intentions although this site has helped change my perception as I let life pass me by.

I do want to improve but somewhat like V mentions above; sometimes knowing the possibility of no such soul mate to live out with because the nature of the female and changing beliefs to just getting good and loving the girls I can stand and am becoming less judgmental and I guess lowering my standards/widening the net (seeing the beauty in some others-although still quite particular) to share in experiences in which to learn and interact with others hopefully brightening their lives. It's the emotional burden of rejection and questioning whether it is worth being good at getting girls since other's seem to not try yet somehow fall into relationships just because of their traits of just being an all around asshole, push-over nice guy, or the comical witty type yet have no issue having relationships yet seem to go through with no intention.. I don't lament much anymore and typically get/give respect to all with honesty and had before been confused as to why others don't also referring to Destropie's overall enquiries.

I figure I've always been rather reflective and been independent and am more personal improvement driven than most I assume looking to settle. Yet have had always wanted a girl I can call mine that loves me unwaveringly and now I am feeling like that is rather unattainable without having the skills to maintain attraction even if the stars aligned and I didn't work towards my own destiny that her or my past, present or future beliefs or social influences will effect the longevity of a relationship. currently feel rather limited in my freedom which I am taking steps in changing now that school is done. and am just looking at where and what I think I should start working on in terms of my weaker points may limit us (ah I haven't really felt it but I have gotten upset and perhaps said something like that after repeatedly hitting similar sticking points in interactions while heated) especially when you know you have much to offer and or even when you'd think you had a good connection (because like someone else stated guys sometimes just know they only want that one they see, (perhaps just physical until you get to know them better).

There are so many points I want to ask, clarify, experience and get down interactions and "connection building" so they manifest into something potentially beautiful. Yet wonder if taking this rational outlook dismantles our beliefs/desires for a monogamous relationship and makes it hard for an honest guy to convey a frame of being a sexually attractive male while having them go with the feeling of "it just happened as destined" and keeping the initial talk not to validating yet keeping desire somewhat exclusive to her? I guess I need to work on my screening and qualifying and I know this is one of the many improvable traits but also relate in the reconciliation from Anon I believe on "pressure/tension". There is so many thing's I want to get good at and will work to write more concise as many here. There will be a field report I'll work to put down on the boards for last night's bar game which I'm fairly beginner in field but have been pretty well versed in the theory yet have sometimes found the courage to go after some of the finer ladies and if I had more social momentum and had a better night game to show my dominance and smoothly build repartee/reportee without adding to much jerk type pressure to close the older ladies while perhaps getting insight on how I could have not broken circle or should have commented when some boistrous lady rudely cock-blocked from the nearest table. Anyways enough of my epiphanies and self promoting rants (another improvable trait.)

I respect and see the logic in many of the philosophies found here like moving fast which brings me to some of the other questions/comments I've seen posted in this article that I feel relate to large obstacles and things I have a hard time reconciling. If one doesnt feel my post is worth answering as I have no idea how you do it all now and there are so many other good questions. Any insight on any of this ^ or on these posts from above:

Destropie - Intelligence and arrogance
Anon - Shy girls are the hardest
V - Is the stress really worth it?
Anon - Pressure/tension

Thank you good sir for reading and all the best fortune to you and yours,

JuLz

Author
Chase Amante's picture

JuLz-

Biggest thing is just to get out and get experience racked up with women, dating, and relationships. You can endlessly speculate about a thing when your experience with it is limited; if you sit there and try to figure out what life is like on some foreign continent, for instance, you could spend the rest of your life drawing up guesswork and hypotheses and speculation, reading books from people who've already gone and visited to try to flesh out your understanding. But the only way to really find out for sure though and put all the speculation to rest would be to hop aboard an airplane bound for that continent, and get out and go exploring and see how it really is once you arrive.

As for whether it's "worth getting good at girls", that's entirely dependent on you. I can tell you I'd do it again a million times over, even knowing how insanely hard it seemed to be at first and how much emotional duress it put me through, but then, this is the only life path I've gone down - maybe had I sunk all my time into building a huge business in my twenties, I'd have a different answer. Personally, I don't think so; even if I had a big business, the idea of knowing business-building and marketing but finding women still challenging and mysterious strikes me as not a place I'd like to be; I'm much more content with women being straightforward and simple, and business being the thing I am gradually unfolding now instead.

I think it mainly comes down to "Can you take the pressure of front-loading the work and pain, and are you forward-thinking enough to... and do you even WANT to?" Most people will never start a business, because it just seems WAY too hard; so, instead of slaving away on something for 5 to 10 years, then having more money than everyone else and being free to do whatever they want for the rest of their lives, they phone it in at a 9-to-5 for 40 years, then leave with little money to their names and probably still need to work or reduce their standard of living in retirement. Same thing with girls; chance are, unless you're the shiest guy in the world or never take ANY action with women, you'll fall into a relationship eventually, if not now, then perhaps later once girls in your age bracket have aged out of the "sleep with sexy bad boys" phase and turned into the "look for a reliable husband" phase, or you may meet some cute foreign girl whose looking for a husband straight-up, without caring for a bad boy phase.

But then again, most people don't care THAT much about having abundant choice with money, or abundant choice with women... they desire it; it'd be nice; but they don't want it SO bad that they're willing to put in the backbreaking work to get it.

It's all opportunity-cost; for some guys, the cost is low enough that it's worth doing to secure the opportunity. To others, the cost (in pleasure, in relaxation, in comfort, in emotional calm) is too great, and not worth the payoff. Each man has his own lines, and won't be pushed too far from them in either direction by anyone... he'll go as far as he wants to go, and no farther, and it's really just all about you want what you want and that's about it.

This can also change as your life changes - when I was 18, I knew I NEEDED to start approaching women and build up a skill set with them, but after a few failures I was so defeated that I shelved the idea for almost 4 years. I didn't wake up to it again until I was in a different place in my life, where I felt like my other options just weren't working, and, heck, why NOT? I still cared about rejection, but compared to what lie on the other side of it, it started to seem progressively less intimidating.

Sometimes, there's something you want to do, and perhaps later you WILL do it, but now is not the right time and you're not in the right place in your life to begin it, for various emotional reasons (things like "I don't have time" aren't really valid reasons, since people live the lives they build - if something's important enough, people will make time; all rationale ultimately comes down to emotional wants, needs, and fears).

Chase

Jimbo's picture

... you'll fall into a relationship eventually, if not now, then perhaps later once girls in your age bracket have aged out of the "sleep with sexy bad boys" phase and turned into the "look for a reliable husband" phase, or you may meet some cute foreign girl whose looking for a husband straight-up, without caring for a bad boy phase.

You know what I think? I think the length of the "sleeping with bad boys" phase is proportional to security levels. When security levels are low, women's clocks tick louder and they make them look for a husband earlier (e.g. in conservative, high-shaming societies, women who come from poor foreign countries as you mentioned, etc.) But when security levels are high, women only start to feel insecure when their looks start to fade (30s and upwards), and that's when the need to look for a husband overpowers the attraction for bad boys.

Just a theory of mine. It'd be interested to hear your view on these 'bad boy / husband' phases among girls.

Peacer's picture

Dear chase,

I have a question in mind for some time now. Though I tried... to find an answer reading lot of stuff here for some time now, I still haven't felt that I have found a clear answer. So, I think you are the best person to ask this.

I wonder whether you ever had to face this kind of issue in your life because you always date with new girls. But I know there was a period, you were much more a relationship-focused kind of guy as you have mentioned it in this, Self-Expansion and Growth in Relationships article. So you may have better idea about this. My question is,

When someone is in a long-term relationship with a girl and when the time start to pass and sex life is fading away regularly, how someone can introduce novelty to their sex life... ?

I mean, when you are dating new girls and having sex with them regularly, this won't be an issue. Because she is new to you, and you are new to her too. So both of you have excitement, attraction, novelty, it is always there.
But, when you are in a long-term relationship how can you maintain novelty in your sexual life.. ? When it fades away, what can you do.. ?

Thank you.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Peacer-

There are various things you can do to maintain spice in your sex life, but they all boil down to a pair of underlying reasons, and those're the reasons you need to target with everything you do sexually if you want to keep things fresh.

They are:

  1. Scarcity, and
  2. Newness

Newness is the "novelty" you mentioned, which is experiencing new things sexually. That's best achieved by actually doing things sexually... some of the more common ones are:

  • Different types of sex (vaginal, oral, anal, mutual masturbation)
  • Different add-ons to sex (hot water & ice; sex toys; BDSM)
  • Different positions in sex (an illustrated version of the Kama Sutra here helps)
  • Different locations for sex (all over the house; hotels; cities; vacations)

Some of the "kinkier" things (purely subjective, of course) that more adventurous couples will try are things like:

All those introduce novel elements that keep things new and exciting and fresh... until you get used to them. Then you need to add something else.

The other one is scarcity, which you can ratchet up by:

  • Not living together
  • Not seeing each other every day
  • Going on travel without one another
  • Switching between allowing yourself to have sex raw, and not permitting yourself to for a while (feels great when you resume and is quite exciting all over again for a while)
  • Taking breaks between certain kinds of sex you enjoy (e.g., maybe you only do anal with her once a month, so it's always pretty special and exciting for both of you)

Anything that drums up scarcity in certain types of sex or with the partner herself overall works to make sex more exciting, and make you want it with each other more.

Chase

J$'s picture

I've been reading your articles for a while and have read articles over and over especially the ones about approaching. I basically have no women in my life right now. I try and try to approach, I just can't do it. It's unthinkable, I read an article and get hyped about approaching, then in reality im just thinking "oh shit" I can't do this, im going to make a fucking fool of myself and waste my time, who the fuck goes around and does this, she'll find it awkward and weird". I keep getting stuck on the newbie assignment part on when to even say hi. I can't do it, I want to, I go out just to do it, but I can't. I really don't know how to do this and it's been years I've been reading and I have no cold approaches under my belt.

How can I make this easier on myself? I feel like this is impossible to do and imaginary. Me going up to strangers and asking them on dates? Sounds like I want to look like a fool.

im not saying it doesn't work, im saying for me to even pull this off is like a fantasy.

I tell you the truth, I try to do it I really do, I go out my selected days, but no :(, just can't do it.

I have no positive feedback or reference points to instill confidence in myself that this can work. All I have is negative feedback with dating and girls.

Is there anything I can possibly do or something I can start with to make this easier and finally after years of not approaching to start approaching? Thank you good sir.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

J$-

I had an old college pal I used to call "J-Money." Seems like a long time ago...!

Approach anxiety's one of those things you've just got to steamroll through, especially when you're very new. You've just got to willpower up. You've got to be angry at yourself for not approaching. You've got to be more terrified of failing to approach and NEVER getting good with women than you are of a girl not being interested in you. You've got to feel the fear and say, "I am going to go talk to her even if all I can say is 'HIYOUREPRETTYMYNAMESFREDDOYOUWANNAGOOUTWITHMENOKTHANKSBYE.'"

If you're just not getting anything done consistently, you need to set everything up you possibly can to get you taking the first step. Get two of your buddies and give them each a seriously large amount of money for you and tell them they're coming out with you and you have to approach at least three (3) girls - doesn't matter what happens, they can scream at you and tell you to get away for all you care - and if you don't do it, the money is theirs and they are NOT allowed to give it back to you under any circumstances.

You've just got to make the circumstances so punishing if you don't at least go say "hi" that you'll finally grab your balls and go do it. Once you've done it, and you realized none of the girls you approached pulled out samurai swords and cut your hands off for talking to them, it takes progressively less pushing to get yourself to go do it.

I'd also suggest having a look through these articles:

... but ultimately, if you're just unable, get SOMEONE who's going to come with you and be a true friend and force you to do it no matter what, and not let you walk out of there until you have.

Chase

anonomynous's picture

Hows it going Chase,
I have just found your site a little bit ago and have started taking your advice on social interactions. I have been going out testing your material and have been looking at videos and movies and really trying to examine what is going on and how characters and people interact with each other, the battle of frame control, people putting others down and how they respond and so on so on.

Now I have watched this one interview and it has Russell Brand in it, and he is known for being controversial, extreme personality, how sexual he is with women in front of an audience, and his show and tour, though also witty and eloquent.

Now the video starts off with the anchors already showing some sort of bias I want to say, the main girl opens off with a comment like she is above what Russel does. Right from the start it seems the anchors already made their judgements The whole it just the anchors seem to be teasing him and what he wears, Russell is shown to throw some stuff back, also teases and compliments the girl in blue to keep her on her toes and makes them nervous, and at the end I am not sure if they are laughing at him or they are laughing for being nervous?

The video title states that Russel owned them, is it that way or the other way around? Unfortunately, I am very new to this stuff, social dynamics and a thorough second by second take of what actually happened from you if you have the time =), the direct and subtle details, and what would of been the optimal solution for Russel to take when meeting people who have already made a judgement on you, it seems these type of shows just try to bring people on they can roast for their own amusement or ratings and not good and enlightening discussion? It would really help me.

Heres the vid http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5WGYQ45SKU

anonomynous's picture

ahh!
you can ignore this Chase, thought you already done from answering questions from that article.

The M's picture

Hey Chase!

I have a few unanswered questions today. :)

What do you do during a seduction when the girl's not quite in touch with her naughty side? I tried a few times to bring the conversation toward naughtier topics, and while she got it, she didn't really know how to respond or keep it going. Should I keep trying to steer the conversation that way, or do something else?

If you develop a crush on a friend who's not interested in you in that way, what can you do? Is it good to flirt, or make a move? I don't want to make a wrong move and lose the friendship, since I definitely value it.

Finally, how do you deal with unconfident girls? After they make downcast statements like, "I have no idea what it means" or "I don't know what I'm doing" (and you know what it means or what to do), how do you respond? I of course want to make her feel good and reassured and inspired. I think I know what to do, but I'd like to hear your expert opinion.

Thanks!

Best,
The M

Author
Chase Amante's picture

M-

If a girl's inexperienced or sexually repressed, it's better to stay away from being explicitly verbally suggestive and just stick to maintaining a sexual vibe around yourself. Typically you'll need to "come up for air" from that more and not spend as much time in it as you would with a woman who's more experienced and comfortable with her sexuality, but the right mix of sexiness + normal getting-to-know-you stuff gets inexperienced girls sufficiently excited without making them freak out.

On the friend, depends whether she's more valuable to you as a friend or more valuable as a potential mate. If it's as a friend, just leave it alone to not introduce any awkwardness there. If it's as a mate, then bring her on date-like scenarios and start escalating - if the feeling is mutual, she'll be thrilled; and if it isn't, you'll possibly have lost a friend or made the friendship awkward, but at least you won't be stuck wondering what if. (usually though, my recommendation would just be "go meet more girls who don't see you as a friend yet, and treat them like paramours from Day 1")

I'm not sure what context you're referring to with girls making unconfident statements, but it sounds like they're fishing for reassurance. Typically where that's the case, what I'll do is shrug and tell the girl, "I'm sure you'll figure it out; you're a smart gal." What she's essentially doing here is testing to see if you're the white knight sort, who's going to lay his coat down across a puddle for her to step over so she doesn't get her shoes dirty. Instead, you want to communicate that you aren't interested in her confusion and problems... what YOU are interested in is HER (specifically, you and her together).

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase,

I'm dating a girl who has the sweet shy outward appearance. I know she is naughty as fuck deep down. I totally messed up our first sexual encounter with pre-mature ejaculation 2 rounds in a row! I tried to do some damage control by getting with her the next day and once again came too early the first round. But was able to maintain a good amount the second round. This girl really holds her emotions back. She represses a lot of her emotions and doesn't let herself loose. I feel like I got her so close to orgasm with penetration on multiple accounts, but I can only keep my rhythm for so long before I get tired. I wan't to know what can I do to make her open up and be comfortable to let her sexuality loose? I can't be happy until I make her scream and give her the best sex of her life. I feel like I disappointed her so much. I know I'm capable of delivering so much more, but I haven't had sex in so long that I tend to ejaculate way too easily.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

See these two articles on making her more sexually open and helping her to get more out of sex with you:

... and on tiring too easily, see these articles for some tech that should help:

Once you start getting a girl to express herself more sexually, most of the rest of her emotions soon follow suit. Repressions kind of an all-or-nothing deal that way.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Yeah, you keep telling yourself that. There are some boring ass women. I know, I almost fucked up and married one.

DavidD's picture

I'm with Chase on this one. If you woman's not dirty, it's 'coz you're not treating her right.

Morethanwords's picture

Hey Chase. Do you have any articles, advice, or resources on how to turn on a girls naughtiness in verbal sparring, or with getting physical? For example, if you say to a girl "Be a good girl." Most of the time, the knee jerk response of the girl, happened to me just today for example, she says "Ohhh I'm nevvvver a good." or something along those lines. I'd like to expand on this. Same as when you are in bed and the girl wants to be spanked for being naughty or a bad girl... How to play up this naughtiness?

I can imagine that if I responded, for example to the girl today (at the gym), something like "Oh yeah? How bad are you...", It could be too much and one might get blown out. And then I don't really know how to take it and run with it. I think some of the confusion comes with the idea that giving her sex or the spanking is "punishment...". I'm a bit confused.

Any advice?

Cheers,
MTW

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