Attraction Has an Expiration Date | Girls Chase

Attraction Has an Expiration Date

Attraction Has an Expiration DateA guy meets a girl he likes. He starts talking to her, and there's electricity in the air. Attraction. He can tell she likes him. A lot, even.

She tells him all kinds of things about herself, her eyes wide and filled with excitement. It feels as though there's a bubble around them, in which only they exist; the outside world falls away.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.


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Anonymous's picture

whats too long?
when does "attraction expire"

Chase Amante's picture

Hi Anon,

It's pretty nuanced, and there're a number of situational factors. So asking when exactly attraction expires is a bit like asking when any other opportunity's passed you by. For instance, that job you interviewed for might make you an offer, and maybe it's off the table in a week if you don't accept it, or maybe you actually have three weeks before they close the doors to you. Depends on them, on you, how much they like you, how much they need you, how strong or weak an impression you made, etc.

I generally take the tack that if I haven't slept with a girl in two weeks, it probably isn't going to happen. As noted in the article about hooking up with friends, another big factor can be, when it comes to social circle girls, how close she is to you in your circle. If she's going to be on the interior and you're going to spend a lot of time around her, you've got to do it fast -- like, a week and a half, two weeks -- in my experience, or she'll get used to seeing you as a fixture. If she's on the periphery of your circle and you never interact with her you have more time.

For girls I'm taking on dates, the majority these days if I don't sleep with them by the end of the first date, I don't see them again. If I run into a shier girl that I can feel is very attracted but just too nervous, I may take her on another date or two first, though usually nowadays I'm pretty strict about my one-date rule.


Anonymous's picture

Just after it reaches peak,attraction expires.

blue's picture

hey chase,

another great article which has got me thinking. say you get a girl to the point of sleeping with you, then after she goes cold but you would like to see her again. would this be a case of attraction fading on her part or something else? and as a side note, would it be possible if a girl has lost attraction to then go right back to the start and work through the same steps you used last time to get her attraction levels back up. as in essentially re open, hook, build a connection etc?

keep up the fantastic work


Larry's picture

Hi Chase

Firstly, thank you for your website. I have found it extremely insightful and useful already.

Regarding the above, I recently met a woman overseas during a holiday, we hit it off well and she gave me her number. We met towards the very end of my trip (I'm now back home) and I didn't "move fast" (which I now know is the strategy of choice having come across this site), but we have since exchanged a few text messages, which have been very positive and indicate she remains attracted to me (e.g. asking me when I'll be back).

Are there any ways to keep this attraction from expiring before the next time I see her? Should I send the occasional text to keep myself in her mind - the problem I can see with this is we don't get to progress past sending each other flirty texts and she gets bored.

Thanks again!

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Larry,

Kudos on the gal you met overseas. Always makes a trip more fun and memorable when you meet a beautiful stranger!

Honestly, I've tried it a number of ways, and what I've found consistently to serve me best with long distance stuff is to make a strong first impression, grab a girl's contact info, trade an email or two exchanging goodwill and telling her it was great to meet her and that I hope to see her again the next time I'm in town or that she should drop me a line if she makes it to my area, and then... disappear. Entirely.

The problem with maintaining close contact or even sporadic flirting long distance tells a woman that you want her as a girlfriend. But she knows that 1) you're not boyfriend material (you don't live there, somewhat of a prerequisite for filling the role of the man in her life that she spends a lot of time with and sees regularly), and 2) you also don't have many options at home (otherwise, why would you bother writing her?), which drops your value to her in any capacity.

So, make sure you don't do the sporadic flirting and especially not the continual contact / email buddy / Skype friend thing. Women respond far, far better when you resurface after a long absence than they do when you've been a continual platonic (e.g., guy who isn't sleeping with them) presence in their lives.

Keep contact cut until you're in her neighborhood again, and you'll keep your chances at their maximum.


xact's picture

I recently got really lucky with a message on OKC, an 8 or 9 in my book and initial replies to my messages, after a quick exchange whe was saying she enjoyed speaking to me and found my beard very sexy and said she would love to show me around her home town.

Only trouble is, it's like 400 miles away - and so the chances of me getting there are slim in the next couple of weeks. Plus I think she may also have started to cool off on me because I started demonstrating excess value and too much platonic messaging/entertainment/banter. However, thankfully I was reading your blog at the time, I may have stopped doing it before it became to much of a problem. Ideally I'd love to be able to turn the situation around, give her a couple more days of no contact then reopen and somehow be able to work it so it feels NATURAL for me to go up there and see her, or for her to come and see me?
Or should I just concentrate on women closer to home? This one is a major hottie, though!

Chase Amante's picture

Hey xact,

It's a little dangerous once you start noticing any degree of cooling off. At that point, you pretty much have to get her pursuing you, or else you veer too far into friend / boyfriend territory and it's hard to climb back out.

The problem with your situation is it's often not a good idea to travel far to see a girl. The odds when you do are lower than if she comes to see you. That said, it isn't impossible, provided she's sufficiently interested and attracted before you go to see her.

If you're good on the phone, that's your best shot with this gal. Talk to her, get her liking you a lot again, and then invite her to come spend a weekend with you and promise to show her the sights in your town. Promise her an incredible weekend -- you probably don't want to explicitly mention going to bed with her, but it should be implied, so she'll know she won't be wasting her time. If she won't come but wants you to go to see her, make sure you agree only if she seems very interested and she agrees to give you a great time and cook you some amazing food and take good care of you while you're there. The last thing you want is a 800-mile round trip that amounts to little more than a big gasoline bill.

Regardless, after this girl, I'd highly recommend keeping things within a 25-mile radius -- unless you get them to come see you, of course ;)


ExpectTheBest's picture

I wish I had seen this earlier today. I met a girl who's an actress years and years ago on vacation. I was young but good enough to initiate and get her email. (email lol). I really hadn't spoken to her for years until a recent phone convo which I think went quite smashingly. However I just texted her (10days after the phone convo. No real contact between then) and I think by doing so I've hit her attraction to me.
I asked her schedule (planning to set up a chat time)
She replied "just work school!"
Which I misinterpreted as "too busy" but now I believe was more "All I'm doing is 'same-old' I'll make time for something new!'
So I replied with like a sentence long txt similar to "you don't want all time being work/school, that'd leave no time for..." (inspired by the 20 tips for talking with girls post)
Then I sent another text proposing we chat today or next week.
She has yet to reply. Previously she replies within a minute.

She may indeed be speculating "isn't pre-selected"/"wants me for girlfriend" as you stated in your reply to the Long-Distance question. The only way I see to fix this is to let her know I just want to hear her opinion on a character bio I sent her. (She wasn't in town for the lead role, but she wanted to read the bio anyway and was extremely thankful for my thinking of her for the role. -this is how we got on the phone after years of silence.) If I say this chat's just for her opinion on the bio, shouldn't that defuse the "he wants gf" thing?

It might make the conversation topic platonic but maybe boost value?
I could get her opinion and end the convo or should I deep dive over phone? (after either, disappearing as you said.)

Is this a feasible strategy, or would it now be a death nail since I've already sent two texts in a row?

I'd really appreciate the help,

Zam's picture

Hi Chase,

So I've had this friend for a bit over a year, and we got rather close, and had a fair number of very-close-to-being-intimate encounters (really everything short of hooking up), but it never came out that either of us liked the other. We had been away from each other for a couple months, during which time she became involved with this guy, and who she recently broke things off with after realizing that he was treating her poorly. Around the same time she officially broke things off with him, we were both back in the same area, and hanging out, and at some point began hooking up. We eventually had a long conversation where we both determined that we really liked each other, but because of the timing, she felt that she isn't ready to be involved with anyone right now. We agreed to leave things open-ended, and see where things end up.

I really want to be with this girl, and now we're going to be away from each other for a few more months. Would it be better for me to continue to keep in close touch with her, or should I give her some space to let her miss me in the meantime? And when we are back together, how should I approach her?



cmlam's picture

what if we already slept together, but we separate again, should i still keep distance with her until we meet again?

xact's picture

I've read practically all the articles on this blog so this comment will refer to several as well as this one and think this is one of the best sites out there, or at least, the one that fits in most with my world view, attitudes toward women and so forth. For as long as I've been interested in women I've consistently been able to surround myself with high-value females however, romantic interaction has been practically minimal.

For so long I'd been wondering WTF it was that was 'wrong' with me that was causing me to 'self-cockblock' because the sudden transitions from subtle and not-so subtle IOIs to cold shoulder or friend-zoning were really starting to freak me out.

I think a large proportion of this was, as you say here is key, plain and simply a case of not acting fast enough, not taking advantages of opportunities presented early on out of occupying some stupid moral high ground of 'is now the right time to engage in this' rather than 'I should give this woman what she wants, now'. I can see now that this mental block that seemed to pop up and stop me from leaning in for the kiss or whatever when I was dealing with sexually available women was entirely down to societal conditioning getting in the way of my natural masculine flow to take advantage of these opportunities when presented.
And often the 'last five percent' thing has come into play; I've actually got a girl into bed but getting there has been so arduous or there's been so much foreplay and fooling round that I've been too tired for full sex; and you're right, it seems to be really difficult to get back to that point once you've let it go by except with women that have their hooks in you as BF/provider material.

There are also many other things I have been doing (i.e. demonstrating excess value) and can now see just how damaging they've been to my game over the years. People (myself included) just couldn't figure out how as a popular DJ/club promoter who is a good conversationalist, can cook up a storm, speak several foreign languages and isn't too bad looking could still be striking out quite so badly despite being surrounded by women, but some of the concepts here have cracked some of the mysteries I've been struggling to understand about male-female interaction for SO long, so kudos for making this stuff available in such a digestible format.

You have this stuff down in a way that is very different from the other seduction/pua stuff which I can relate to a lot better - maybe it's an Aquarius thing.

The best thing is that I don't think that these paradigm shifts you have brought on are going to be particularly difficult to implement.
I think the main thing is that other material comes at it from the standpoint 'if you're not getting anywhere with women, start again and build yourself up as this whole other person' kinda deal, whereas your way of looking at things makes it easier to identify certain unconscious behaviour patterns that are ruining people's chances of making their own style work for themselves.
So, rather than reinvent myself at age thirty-something I can now see where I have to apply tweaks to my strategy in order to avoid falling at the same hurdles over and over again, and it's also gratifying to know that I've been doing a lot of things right along the way, sometimes knowingly and other times not.

Constantly striking out with women I've been attracted to has been the bane of my life and fuelled more angst and depression in my life over the years than any other single life issue, and reading some of the stuff in this blog has renewed my faith in the fact that I may still be able to enjoy a full and active sex life while there's still some youthful vigour left in me; thanks for that!

Chase Amante's picture

xact, appreciate you sharing your story and letting me know what you've found useful. Sounds like you do have a big number of advantages, but yeah man, even if you've got all the advantages in the world, that one thing (not closing when you've got the chance to) will kill you every time, won't it?

The really cool thing is, with a guy like you who's already put so much time building himself up into an attractive guy who clearly is able to get that initial attraction from women (and that's all you really need), as soon as you start consistently looking to escalate in those situations, it changes your outcomes dramatically.

Basically, you've set up the pipeline, now you've just got to do something with all the women that are coming through. In essence, the hardest part you've already done.

I'll tell you, making the switch from being the guy who sits there thinking, "Gosh, is it time yet? Oh, I don't know," to the guy who says, "Yeah, I don't really know if she's ready to be kissed just yet, but there's only one way to find out -- she's getting kissed!" will be such a momentous turning point in your seductions that you'll end up wishing you'd made it a long time before. That's the way it was for me, and that's the way it is for just about every guy that decides to start focusing on closing.

You zero in on closing consistently, and a few weeks and a string of successes later you come away slapping yourself in the head, going, "How'd I let so many girls walk away disappointed? Geez!"

And then you smile at all the present success that one little change starts bringing you, and at all the future success it will too.


Kevin's picture

Your website has been incredibly helpful with tons of content, great ideas, sharp insights. Thank you so much.

My problem is all the cancelled dates. I've been having a lot of luck MAKING dates with women in their 40s. Often because of busy work schedules, it can be up to a week from the time I meet them, to the time our date is supposed to happen. Then they cancel the day before, or the day of. It’s happened 3 times in a row now!

I've been communicating by short text messages. Are the women losing their comfort due to the long period of not talking? Should I call these women every day to build comfort and "keep them sold" on our date?

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Kevin,

Very glad to hear the site's been helpful -- you're quite welcome.

On pre-empting the cancellations you're getting: depends how far in advance you're planning these dates. If you're planning them more than a few days ahead of time, it's common for women to get cold feet, get buried under work, or even start thinking that, if they haven't heard from you, you might cancel -- so they cancel first to save themselves from losing face. If they're cancelling on dates you made the day of, that's rather anomalous and suggests something gave them reason to reconsider really fast (if, say, they felt pushed into the date rather than elected to go on it themselves -- might be a reason).

Best thing you can do is set up a date a few days ahead of time, and make sure it's according to her schedule and relatively clear and easy for her to come out on. I've found a great deal of success asking women when they're free, picking a time that fits within that window, and setting things up then.

Also, bear in mind that sometimes things'll get streaky -- you'll get a number of great dates in a row, then some girls who all happen to cancel at the same time, then back to normal periods where most come out and a few cancel here and there, etc. If it doesn't even out and starts looking like a consistent pattern though, you'll need to focus on either:

  • Making sure they're attracted enough from the get-go, or
  • Making sure the date is easy for them to attend and you ping them beforehand to reassure them you're going to make it.

Once those two are handled, you'll have a lot fewer cancellations on your hands.


Eddie's picture

I've noticed that the opposite happens. I guess it depends if you play your cards right. Some of my friends have girlfriends now and they took their time and let the attraction between the two of them gradually grow. That's why sometimes when you say move fast, I always think of the people that move slow but yet always seem to win. Even over the guys that move fast.

That's why I said in a post to you in a different article that the turtle seems to win the race.

Maybe we're thinking of different contexts and that might be why I'm not seeing eye to eye with what you're talking about.

My older brother is actually a pretty good example. He's been with his girl for 3 years now and he told me how she gave him a run for his money. Basically she wasn't an easy catch as the other girls were and that got my brother's attention real fast. In my opinion, he was a bit of a casanova in college and had ladies at will lol. It took time for things to be closed out but after some time my brother closed things out and now they're enjoying a beautiful relationship. I guess it depends how much the girl likes you and what type of attention you're giving her. I guess that's what makes the expiration date extend.

So my question to you is, do you think there are things that my brother and my friends are doing to extend that expiration date which it makes seem that the turtle/ going slow always wins the race?

A lot of girls say things are moving too fast or that they're not ready but then renigg on that statement when another guy comes around and sweeps her off her feet. What's your opinion?

Chase Amante's picture

Howdy Eddie-

Sure, there are indeed exceptions to every rule. I've had girls it's taken me months of actively trying to get together with. I think I'm past that point in my life now personally... there might be a few girls out there who I couldn't get fast who maybe I could eventually if I slow-gamed it, but I don't wait around for those girls these days. It happens fast for me, or not at all.

Thing is, who those girls are changes as you do. A girl might firmly make one guy wait three or four months to become lovers, because she either sees him as her ideal boyfriend material and doesn't want to risk losing him, or he doesn't push her particular buttons very hard and she can take it or leave it. That same girl might hop into the sack with another guy the day they meet because he's her ideal lover type (or knows how to position himself as much).

Again, not universal. There are very inexperienced girls who refuse to move fast (there are also very inexperienced girls who will move fast, they just haven't met the right guy yet... until they meet you). Most experienced girls will move fast given the right guy, unless he's too valuable to them as a boyfriend or friend or he doesn't push the right buttons.

Anyway, would have to know what you mean by "winning the race" here -- getting a girl in bed? Getting a relationship? Getting married? Having children? -- before being able to determine who "wins" more often -- the slow guy or the fast guy. In my estimation, the one thing the slow guys do better at is getting wives -- but they often only get their shot after the faster guys finished with those girls and moved on. It may also be you're living in a part of the world or operating in a specific social circle where different rules apply for cultural reasons -- culture can shape human behavior quite sharply. Even today in India, for instance, the average woman only takes 1.6 lovers her entire life -- a stark contrast to the average of 12 lovers for American women.


Eddie's picture

Basically winning the race = pulling a girl. You've successfully made the girl yours and now it's up to you how far it goes I guess. My brother pulled eventually and they ended up dating. Winning the race specifically applies to getting a girl to be in a relationship with you.

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Eddie,

I'd guess, based on previous comments, you're including non-sexual relationships in your "relationship" category?

If not, and you do mean exclusively sexual relationships when you say "relationship" (which is also how I define the term -- "relationship" if the two partners are sexual, "friendship" if they aren't), then I'd respectfully disagree and weigh in that from what I've seen with hundreds of men and in my own experience, the men who move slowly toward physical intimacy very rarely end up with women.

If you are referring to non-sexual relationships as well when you say "relationship," then yes, I agree, to a point. Sex scares off the women who aren't interested in you sexually / romantically; which is why moving fast serves as a tremendously useful filtering mechanism when you're aiming for romantic and sexual relationships... but if your intent is platonic relationships, then you'll lose a lot of girls by pushing for intimacy. That said, even for getting non-sexual relationships / friendships, moving quick toward being friends trumps moving slowly toward friendship for actually getting a woman in your life as a friend ;)


Sarah's picture

So chase I have a question for you...
Any ideas in the relms of women with women?
As I'm a lesbian... & I find it even more confusing, who's the one to take control with two women?
Now there's a question I bet will baffle you ha! X

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Sarah-

Yeah, interesting question. Lesbian relationships are quite similar to heterosexual relationships in that there's generally one femme and one butch -- the lesbian equivalents to one woman and one man.

It's usually going to be quickly apparent which of you is which, but sometimes two femmes may end up together, or two butches. Usually those relationships don't work out -- two femmes long for a butch to take the lead, and two butches butt heads too much for things to keep on.

Basically, if you're the type who likes to call the shots, look for a femme who'll be caring and nurturing and submissive to you. If you prefer to be the caring one, look for a butch to take the lead.

Hope this helps!


Anonymous's picture

I have a question..
There is a girl from my hometown who I hit it off with about two weeks before the summer ended. We ended up making out at a party two nights before she left for college. I go to college about six hours away from her so I can't make trips to visit her. I talked about it with her and she said she wants to hangout over breaks and stuff. My question is how much should I try to talk to her until then? I don't want to talk to her to little and have her find some guy at college.

Chase Amante's picture

Hi Anon,

I wish there was a good answer for this... but honestly, I don't know that there is.

My advice for long distance now is the same as it's been since before I knew anything about pick up and I was just observing how the long distance relationships of those around me in college kept unfolding again and again: you need to be sleeping with a girl at a minimum of once every 3 weeks to keep her yours with long distance. Even then, that's usually not enough, and things break down over the long term, but that's the bare minimum for maintaining things until the two of you can really be together.

The hard answer is... talking won't be enough. It never is. I've seen it over and over with guys, and it's happened to me too -- trying to keep talking a girl to somehow keep her interested long enough for you to see her again and then make some magic happen over a short break from school, before the two of you are apart again. You've got to go and see her and have the two of you be lovers, or she's got to come and see you -- it breaks down without intimacy.


Dawg's picture

Hey Chase,

Great blog! So glad I found this website, and so far all the stuff I've read had been very enlightening and I will visit regularly to read everything in here.. Big kudos! Awesome!! And thanks in advance..

Ok, here's my scenario..I met this super hot girl at a social network, a 9, knows how to be a 10(even 11) HOT to a perfection! GREAT body..just super sexy-all-the-guys-worship-her kind of bangin babe.

To give you a small profile on her personality. She turned 28 this year. She grew up conservative, religious family, very reserved. I even think she's still a virgin.. BUT, she does go out and parties with her girlfriends, get guys kiss up on her, etc..

Anyhow, in this social network, I woo'd her for a good 3 months, through commenting each other's pages, private messaging each other up until I got her phone number, email, skype- I was push and pulling with her, building up tension, you know..very much installed inside of her that I'm the only man in the world who can please her, I am it, her soul mate, bla bla bla. I had this girl so attracted to me that she's even preparing, spending a lot of money and time studying to come to the states, take some board exam, pass it, get a job, so we can be together.

Now here's the problem. Her birthday came by and I sent her stuff. Big mistake(I think). And I mean, I sent her A LOT OF STUFF. Flowers, stuffed animals, even a "cheesy ring"(not really cheesy, but rather a playful one) that perfectly fits her ring finger. It was exactly what she wanted. Based on her reactions and her friends' reactions towards me(yes, I've made friends with her gf's too), I can tell she loved everything especially the ring. Now, this is where I am puzzled. I think she wanted me to call her the night of her bday party but I failed to do so(though I did call on the eve of her birthday). I said it's a problem because ever since her birthday, she stopped interacting directly with me(no phone, email, text, or skype). She kept talking to me for a while via comments and private messages, but very minimal. Instead of her interacting with me so much, it's one of her gf's who does. I asked my sister why so, she said most likely to do all the "stalking and spying."
So basically I haven't had a conversation with her! To be specific, since her birthday, make that about 4 months now!! comments or pm's from her. Still just interactions with the one gf of hers who talks to me.
I tried calling maybe 2x and texted her no more than 3x these last 4 months..but nothing, still just her friend talking to me. In one of the 2x that I tried calling, she picked up but wouldn't talk..I hung up and called again, she picked up again but yelled "I have a class in the morning, Joe!" where she sounded either crying or mad or loving to hear from me but denying(I can't tell which), but didn't hang up the phone, just waited until I hung up. And THAT was the last time I ever heard her voice.
Ever since, it's been all her friend who interacts with me. Good thing is I am always given lots of positive feedback, hinting to me what she does everyday, how much she cares, posting a lot of pictures of her wearing "the ring," etc... But that's all I get. I did comment on one of her photos the other day, though she didn't respond to me, instead she commented back responding to her friend who commented after me..

So, my question, why is this girl ignoring me??? And what can I do to break that "game" of hers of ignoring me??

Ph0bolus's picture

I'm pretty much in the same situation as you. I worked in a nail salon she came in from
FL for a wedding we hit it off and texted pretty much everyday for 5 months. I visited her recently and we did the business in the bedroom. After I went home we kept texting for 3-4 days then absolutely nothing. She gave me some BS about her life is stressful now, and when she gets her life back to normal we would be texting regularly again. She called me late one weekend drunk and then hung up, I texted her the next day asking her why I was being ignored and got "I don't want a long distance relationship." I know a bunch of dudes on here a the hit it and quit it types, but I think this girl could be the one. Is there anything I could do or say to salvage this one?

j15's picture

Hey Chase,

I first want to say that your blog is really insightful, I literally poured through pages of information in one siting. Dude where have you been all my life is the thought that comes to mind; now on to my question.

I have a question about long distance relationships knowing of course that your not to fond of them. I recently started talking to a girl(who ill call Jane, not her real name*) who is friend of one of my woman friends(who ill call Kim*). We initially meet at a party and after the party Jane expressed an interest in me through my friend Kim. So Kim gave me Jane's number and we've been communicating through text's and phone calls ever since. Its been about a month now and we've recently made plans to meet up. Here's the dilemma:

1st Jane lives about 10 hrs away from me and after reading these blogs i wonder if this is something i should even purse, even though it is understood that we are booth currently searching for serious relationships.I'm tired of investing myself in women who are not serious and at this point am willing to be involved in a long distance relationship if that's what it takes.

2nd How can i handle the issue of "moving faster" in a situation like this, as i consider myself to be a good conversationalist and we have talked about almost everything and i feel the attraction maybe starting to fleet as its hard because of the distance between us to establish some form of contact. We talk on the phone a minimum of about 1hr each day, i know this can not continue forever i'm running out of topics.

3rd Chase i would like to read more subject material on actually getting the girl to be my girlfriend, i have no desire anymore for frivolous sexually relationships though fun they are. I want the real mccoy and wanted to read more tips on that.

Thanks in advance, and please keep up all the good advice guys are in need of it as much as women are.

Anon's picture

Okay, I met this freshman girl (I'm a sophomore.) I really liked her. We had a spark. I invited her to a party. She said she'd text me and let me know if she could make it (which was weird, but she's cute so I didn't object.) The night of the party comes-- no call. I was disappointed, but hey, shit happens.

She texts at 1am that night saying that she was sorry for not coming and that she didn't know where it was. I wasn't sure, but it seemed like she was saying it was my fault. She said she'd call me? So, of course I was a little through with her at that point. I don't like games.

I made the mistake of responding to the apology with obvious displeasure and then saying that maybe we could do something the next week. I didn't call her at all and as a result, I didn't speak to her for a month.

Here is where the question comes in: I really like this girl so I thought I'd give her a second shot. Her first response was something along the lines of "We never hung out?" which I ignored.

I was able to get her out on two dates since reconnecting with her, but they've been pretty... boring? And if I'm bored, chances are, she is too. I've taken her for lunch and for dinner. We're able to talk but there have been several small awkward pauses. It hasn't been exciting conversation, is what I'm trying to say. Small talk. I'm not usually bad at talking. Should I just give up on this girl or should I try to push things into sexual excitement? If the latter, how so?

I like a lot of the stuff you post and your advice would be golden. Thanks.

t903's picture

Hi Chase,

First of all, thanks for your website. It helps me a lot in finding out my problems with women.

Here is my situation. I met a girl through a mutual friend at a BBQ party 3 months ago. I get her out on 6-7 dates and we were close. My friend reminded me that she came from an extermely conservative background and her past relationship problem and advised me to go slow on her (she actually complained to my friend that all the guys that talked to her just want to go after her). So, all I was able to accomplished is to hold her hand, get a hug here and there, some minor cuddling and that's all. These may seem minimal physical contact, but from what my friend told me, she had to be interested in me for her to let me hold her hand.

On our 3rd date, she told me that she will be going on vacation in Asia and her home country for 1.5 months. I didn't want her to think too much before her vacation so I didn't tell her I like her (but I am sure she definitely feel and know it already). Everything looks ok up to our last date and she still sent me playful facebook messages while she was in Asia. My intention was to pick things up again at a faster pace once she come back from her trip.

However, things are totaly different after she come back from her long vacation. We texted for a bit but her responses are short and disinterest. Therefore, I stopped texting her for couple days. After the freeze out, she responded a little better. However, whenever I send her a msg asking her to meet up, she would not respond to that message (she told me right from begining that she doesn't like to talk on phone so all our communication are either fb chat, msn or text msgs). It is almost 2 weeks since she was back and I can't even setup a date. We used to see at least once a week, sometimes twice a week.

I don't know much about what happened in her trip or what makes her acted differently. Actually, I don't really care. I just want to get her out again so that we can have some fun and see if we can rekindle our attraction (Our dates are always full of fun, she told me that everytime we went out). What would you suggest me to do? Did I waited too long to act? Should I freeze her out again? If I waited too long before, is there anything I can do to help?

I am a newbie to the dating game/world. I married my 1st girlfriend for eight years and I just divorced for a year. I know I probably did a lot of stuff wrong with this girl but unfortunately I didn't know how to act correctly in the begining. I want a LTR and I really liked her personality. She is charming independent as well as good looking. I am seeing other girls but she is the only one that I really really like. I don't want to give up until the end.

Thanks for reading my long problem. I am sure your advice can help me.


Marco82's picture

Hi Chase. I have one for me important question and need your advice. In some earlier comments you sad "Thing is, who those girls are changes as you do. A girl might firmly make one guy wait three or four months to become lovers, because she either sees him as her ideal boyfriend material and doesn't want to risk losing him, or he doesn't push her particular buttons very hard and she can take it or leave it. That same girl might hop into the sack with another guy the day they meet because he's her ideal lover type (or knows how to position himself as much)"
How do you produce that ideal lover type in her mind? Push particular buttons very hard, what exactly do you mean by that?What is that buttons, and what is very hard by your standards? I am asking this because i had more than one situations, where i met a girl, we see each other more then few times ( not dates, for example waitress in bar i am hanging out), i think she is type of girl who had hers fair share of guys, likes casual sex, but than again somehow even though i think she likes me ( we flirt and tease each other a lot) when i called her out, she refused, with excuse that we are not similar so relationship wouldnt work. Then when i suggest that we could be in something less serious, her response was that she is not "that type" of a girl.Because i think that is not true, and worst of all, that she has been with all sorts of guys ( so i can say that she doesnt have some high criterion for guys, just like sex), how the hell do you produce that " i am right lover for you" effect ?And one more question related to first one. By my opinion it is idiotic, pathetic and needy, but what do you think about situations where guys brag themselves in front of a girl? I am talking about situation where he tells her " come to my place, i am going to give you great time in bed, i am going to show you what a real man is, if you didnt show up you will miss out great sex bla, bla, bla" In my country there is saying dog who barks doesnt know how to bite.I always though that girls also think that if you are strong on your words you are lame in actions, but what frustrate me is that i think there are girls with whom i blew up,and nothing happened, and those kind of guys ( "bragers") actually get some results?

spindle's picture

Hi Chase, I just found your website today and it's been an eye-opener. I've always had girls being attracted to me and the reason was quite obvious; being one of the brightest students wherever I am and also good-looking. But i've been really plagued by the ''nice guy syndrome''. I talk to them, both have coffee, exchange calls and text messages and over time everything cools off. I never knew the reason until now. I just recently moved to a new area and met a girl in church, she had always been staring at me and smiling until we got to have a chat after a church service. It's obvious she likes me and doesn't hide it when other people, even her parents, are there. She even told me her school is beside my uni (cos i'm at uni and she's doing A levels) in a way that suggested that she wanted us to meet up. I'm thinking of inviting her over to my uni or my place when she's closed from school, but I don't want to get too committed cos I may not be here very long. At the same time, I don't want her attraction for me to cool off (I've still got over 6 months to remain here). What do you think I could do? And btw is there a way I can keep a girl without having sex with them?

Tavoline's picture

I went out with the new girl at work. Luckily she heard good things about me from friends and coworkers before she meet me, so once we met she was giving me shinny eyes,smiles and flirt. The second time we worked together I took her out for drinks after work, we hit it off just right. We went to a park and talked for hours about very personal stuff, when I dropped her to her car she said that I was amazing and she hugged me, I was going to kiss her cheek but or lips met for a second. So that was a a cool first time out, I really liked her and thought I wouldn't make the mistake of being pushy or try too hard (She gets TONS of attention from try hard guys at work, and I don't wanted to be that) Second time we worked together I took her dancing after work. She is a freak in the dance floor, she litetaly throwed me to the ground and cowgirl danced on my crotch, she was all over me! Every person in the club had their Jaws to the ground! We where walking among the crowd to get out, I was distracted when she was pushed towards me, her face got really close to mine and I felt her lips on mine for like a second! but I was distracted! and didn't do much of it since it was so crowded and "Not the right Moment" She said she had to work early, so my logic was this: "Ok, you can't take her home because she need to rest, she is all over you so don't worry. She will appreciate that you didn't try to pull anything on her, next time she is yours, you are the man" We walked holding hands out of the club, we where laughing so hard, we stopped by a park and we laid on a blanket to watch the stars, she was cold so I gave her my jacket, she felt asleep in my arm, and I kissed her face, while she was sleeping, she was just to endearing. She woke up and I took her home, she was still very warm. She gave me an eskimo kiss, and a little peck and we called it a night. I was so happy! I mean its only the second time out on an unofficial date with this gal and we are right on it! But...The next day I saw her at work she was cold as ice man!!!!! she gave me a half assed hugs, ignored me, wouldn't look at me, but then at times she would kinda come back and be friendly and playful with me. But when I touched her arm I felt how she pulled away from me, also she asked me what was I waiting for to go home since it was way past my time off. Fuck. I went home and texted her something she told me her grandpa told her at a Mexican Flea market and I thought was meaning full "Toda esta chingadera tiene mucho corazon" (All this shit had a lot of heart) she replied with and laugh asking me what was I doing, she was at at bar with her girls. I told her I had a great time with her the night before, she said so she did and thank you. I said any time...She hasn't reply back. What did I do wrong? Can I turn this around and how? Thanks man, I really appreciate you site, its one of the best I've seen. Looking forward to your advice.

Mr. John's picture

Ask her out on a date, and don't have sex with her.

Advice seeker's picture

To Chase,

I just recently discovered your website, and while much of it is quite depressing, it is also a reality check. If I take some of it to heart, I’m sure things will improve for me.

Here’s my situation, I’m 29 and I’ve never had a relationship, and only been intimate with one woman, as a casual relationship, and I was probably punching a little below my weight at that. This was many years ago now, and quite short lived.

There’s nothing physically or mentally wrong with me, I am naturally an introvert, however, and a lot of my failure I believe has to do with fear, and barely ever having asked out a woman in my life. I mostly use the net to meet women, as my hobbies do not include many women, and I do not really go out socialising. I have spent hours chatting/talking to women I am attracted to prior to making a move on them, probably well after the window of attraction opportunity had passed. Even getting women to respond online is difficult enough, as everybody knows.

I don’t want to delve too much into the hows and whys of my situation, as it’s all in the past and can’t be changed. Evidently, the resulting situation is that I have a level of relationship/sexual experience well below what would be expected of me.

It would be safe to assume your advice would be to keep this as secret as possible when dealing with women, but at some point it would probably become fairly obvious. How would it be best to appear as experienced with women as possible (as your articles suggest is what women are looking for), when this not the case for me?

Are there some women out there who would appreciate my lack of past relationships?
Ones looking for a husband perhaps? Would there be a fair chance with regular women also, even if some did detect my past solitude?

The first time I properly asked out a woman from real life was a few weeks ago, at university. We had been in the same class for about 5-6 weeks and we were chatting in class. We got onto the topic of relationships at work/study, and how they can cause more problems than they are worth. She slyly inserted into the conversation: “so that rules out a date this Saturday night then?”, which had me tongue tied, as I had a crush on her the whole semester. She then jumped in with “Just kidding!”, at which point we both started talking to someone else.

The very next day when I managed to get her alone and said: “about what you were saying yesterday, the answer is yes”, which only caused her to be confused. I then asked her what she was up to Saturday night. She then got the message and said she wasn’t looking for a relationship, and the fact that we both study together and would have to see each other every day would be an issue. She told me about a bad experience she had having a relationship with a work colleague in her last full time job. While the studying together might have been a potential problem (I wouldn’t normally have asked her if she hadn’t flirted with me the day before (no one has ever flirted with me so overtly in real life and not in a net chat/text setting before)), the not wanting to start a relationship yet was very likely a front, since I believe she’s since back with her ex. I find a bit bizarre flirting with someone and having no intention of taking things beyond flirting. What is your opinion on dating women from work or study where you’re in the same classroom for several hours every week?

I would have thought the preferable thing to do as a “man in control” would be to have done what I did, as in waited until I was ready, and then asked her out on my own terms rather than simply acquiescing to her flirting right then and there. It appears from reading your articles that the reverse is true, and perhaps “striking when the iron was hot” might have increased my chances.

Looking forward to hear your thoughts.

thops's picture

im deployed in afghanistan and while here met and connected with a girl, she is american. descretion is a must in our/my situation so besides casually talking or emailing we cant really do much. prison kind of consequences. we talk about getting together when we get back to america as there are no career consequences when not depolyed. i havent seen her in a month and we have maintained contact via email and phone. i have never kissed her or tried to move her because of my current dilemma. i dont have a problem in america picking up girls, and i actually like this one. i have an opprotunity to see her in a couple nights and i was wanting a little bit of advice. relationships are important to her and she is conservative when it comes to that, but thats about it. when i see her i was thinking about pretending like i have a present to give her and have her close her eyes then kiss her. i feel almost high schoolish with this, but ive never been in this type of predicament before. would just kissing her considering i have had no physical contact with her before ruin everything. this little maneuver will be discreet enough and late at night enough to not get caught. unfortunatly i really like this chick and dont want to mess anything up. ive done little chasing and she mostly emails and calls me. would kissing her ever so randomly ruin my chances? im not worried about closing the deal back home. im just curious about right now.

ANON 2012's picture

So - my wife told me shes not attracted anymore after 16 years. Any tips? Once it is gone is it gone - or can it be won back?

Anonymous's picture

Not all hope lost, you could get it back, just ask her what she wants from you? Attention? Affection? More Sex? and work from there

Anonymous's picture

So what about coworkers who seemed attracted to you at first and nothing happened because we were coworkers. Is the attraction gone forever? Can you rebuild the attraction?

AFRO BROTHER's picture

Hi Chase I really like your stuff and I feel you on the fact that expiration expires. however I have a question. I am 29 (African brother) and I am dealing with this 22 yr old Chinese American female, she digs me I can tell we have hung out twice(met up once for pizza and the second was to a movie) and as someone somewhat familiar with the rules of the game, I have tried as much my best to keep things light, maintain some mystery and to retain my adult personality when with her. However I am trying to take things to the next level with her, since she is kinda inexperienced and not really a touchy feely kinda person, I dont want to seem too pushy but on the flip side I waana move things foward with her. how would you suggest I approach this situation Chase. Your help will be greatly appreciated.

P.S .... I am yet to kiss her (which I intend to do when next i meet her)

I also kinda have a feeling she might be a VIRGIN.

Anonymous's picture

Hey chase,

Interesting reading!
Have a conundrum of my own, was married and in a relationship 23 years, met a old flame and had a affair for 3 years, separated from wife but living at home for most of that time, wife didn't know... Old flame left husband just under 2 years ago, and I left briefly near 3 years ago but moved back home some months later through emotional blackmail finally left 3 months ago but had some space from old flame for 6-7 weeks as was I'll, now better and trying to get things right with her but whilst we are still seeing each other and sleeping together a couple of times a week ( sex is great for both) she intimated that she may want to just be friends now although we are still giving relationship a try at the moment as she cant seem to get over why it took me so long to move out again, truth is I don't know what to say to her, I love her and want to be with her and the chemistry when we are together is amazing and we get on very well, she just says she isn't having the head over heels feeling she has had all the way through. Whilst I was I'll she dated a guy but no sex, and has no deep attraction to him and has been on dating sites. Really trying hard to figure out what to do for the best. We had split several times in the past due to my marriage situation, she admits strong and deep feelings for me but is scared of being hurt again! Any help or advice would be great as I don't want to lose her

Anonymous's picture

Yo Chase,

Brilliant article, as always. I just need your advice about a problem I have. I'm Sri Lankan, and I'm kinda interested about this girl. The thing is, I've never talked to her, not even through Facebook. I don't thing I've had an "initial attraction/interest problem. Heck, I was on TV for 8 months for an all-island spelling bee, and I won it. Plus, I'm an athlete, a debater, top my batch every term, yada, yada, yada; you get the picture. She knows about this. Her friends have told me. I'm a bit young though, just 17. but she's the same age. She's a bit nerdy, kinda more inclined towards the academic side. Got any advice for me?
Keep up the good work, sir!

Summer's picture

Hi Chase,

This is a great article. I found it while trying to assess my current situation with this guy I met recently. I actually was introduced months ago through a mutual friend on the job. At the time I didn't really pay much attention and didn't think more about him. Now I realize there was a lot more going on with that intro because when I'm alone with him, he's very flirty. The thing is it hasn't moved forward, it's so slooooow. So I've been left to think he might be with someone, maybe just likes flirting and not interested in more. I know he's definitely interested in me because the last few conversations I had were mostly him finding out all about me or as much as I'd give away. I was almost at the point where I was just going to give up but would really like to get to know him better. He's definitely different than the majority I meet that just try and get me in the sack. Your article has persuaded me to be a little more patient. I won't turn cold on him but I won't wait forever either.

Aly's picture

This is interesting reading from a heterosexual woman's point of view.

Most men I meet try to move forward quickly with me and that's what I'm accustomed to. They want to have sex, then claim me as theirs or whatever.

I've been dating a few guys and I'm particularly attracted to this one guy, but things seem to move agonizingly slowly, although it really hasn't been that long. He's not the type of guy I normally go for, but he's funny and I'm quite attracted to him. We went on our first date, things went well, there was obvious mutual attraction, but he just walked me home. Well, maybe he's a gentleman. Whatever. Second date, same thing, only he actually kissed me this time. We're going on our third date this weekend and if he doesn't try to sleep with me this time, I'm going to have to cut him loose- I'm tired of waiting! Especially when the other guys I'm dating are ready to move forward but he's just stalling. Ugh.

Take Chase's advice gentleman, and try to get your lady in bed. Worst case scenario, she says no/she's not ready/yadda yadda. If you don't try, she'll say goodbye and be so annoyed with you that you'll never have a shot with her again.

Anonymous's picture

To tell you the truth that probably has happened to me, I just like going slow. But your right alot of woman don't so I guess I miss out but really what am I missing out on?

Benredik's picture

Damn... This man is so right on point.

This is what's up!

Anonymous's picture

Excellent article (Attraction has an expiration date. I rarely have a problem with attraction, by my estimation usually woman's attraction shoots up to 80-90%, but I never knew how to deal with it. I tried some PUA/seduction materials, e.g. play hard to get, matching her emotions, let her chase me and so on but by the time I've decided that it is a good time to take action it was already too late, her interest dropped and I had to make a difficult choice: whether let her go or became a chaser. Either way she was gone, and I was left with unanswered question what the heck did I do wrong this time, why she was all over me at first but then hardly answered any of my attempts.

I like your fast moving approach, it is intuitive, though unusual for me since I spent quite of time on PUA material how to build attraction - in stead of using it while it is there.

Hey, any advice on how to seduce married woman who's attraction dropped from high 90's to some 40-50's? Thanks!

Pablo's picture


Fantastic post. Thanks for keeping me motivated!

"Always err on the side of action over inaction" is some of the best advise I've heard and can be used in all aspects of life.

Here's a situation I ran into last weekend that threw me for a minor loop:

Met a girl at a party (we know each other slightly, through mutual friends for a couple yrs)

Lot's of flirting and chasing each other around for the evening. She invited me to an after party. We go there for about 45 mins. We eventually leave, I drive her to her house, she invites me in, we chat briefly and make-out, she says it's 4 am, she's a little too drunk and only wants to take things so far, I concur

She txt's the next day, she invites me over to watch a movie that night, we watch a comedy, make out periodically and she suddenly stops and says "I have to be forward here, let's go to my bedroom". Once there we start to kiss again and she stops and says "sorry this isn't working", I've kissed 100+ women romantically in my life and never run into this situation this far into the game. We chat briefly and she decides she wants to take the lead by kissing me slower, I concur and then things fizzle out (She mentions her last BF and her has really intense sexual chemistry and she wasn't feeling the same thing with me; he's the only guy she's been with since her divorce a year ago from a 10 yr marriage). I eventually leave at her request (it was getting late on a Sunday night at that point).

We talk the next day, she says she only wants to be friends. I let her know I am happy to be "friendly" when I see her but typically don't have platonic relationships with women other than with my buddies partners or my exes. She says she totally gets that and understands why a platonic relationship would be a waste of both of our time. Later that eve, she sends me a txt and says she feels compelled to be with me. I contact the next day and say OK let's talk about this then because you are sending me mixed messages. She drops by my house we chat for a hour (cuddle a bit). I kiss her when she leaves but again she is reluctant and it doesn't go too far.

Not sure if she's like this with other guys or if I didn't move fast enough or respond to some subtle cues I simple didn't see (so you are aware this whole situation took place over 48 hrs), she's still sending me random txt's, I respond periodically but don't feel like wasting much time on her given the way she's acting....

Could I have done more? Or is this a simple case of I went as far as I could with this particular woman and should be proud of how I handled myself under the situation I was presented with (and move on)

Cheers amigo!

Andres's picture

Hello Chase, I found your site recently after I had decided to fix my personal problems and begin dating again. The way you word your articles are amazing and super knowledgeable. I applied the advice and techniques I got from the articles and actually managed to get a girl to be official with me (which is a point I couldn't even reach previously with the last 3 girls after I ended a year long relationship). I live in South Florida (Miami) and alot of my male friends complain that girls are extremely cold and ruthless down here despite being really beautiful. So back to the point. This girl I did manage to convince to be my girlfriend only stayed with me for about a month before she started ignoring me and eventually told me the chemistry we had was just as friends. I could not understand how I failed to keep the attraction there. I wasn't too clingy or too distant. I tried to keep it all within moderation as I have been taught. Can you tell me what I possibly did that let the attraction expire? Thanks.

Davidx's picture

This article has opened the curtains for me over a lifetime of wondering why this or that girl who was interested the week or month before was suddenly no longer interested, no longer turned up or came around. Wasn't I still the same pleasant guy, respectfull, friendly, curtious, my looks hadn't changed. What did I do to drive you away? I see now that it is not what I did, it is what I didn't do, and when I think of some of those girls. What a wasted life I have lead.

Anonymous's picture

god damnit man if only i read this earlier when i was dating this virgin ffs i fucking blew it... She wanted me so bad, talking about 1 month dating and she wants kids.. God it made me sound like a damn wussy fml lol... Oh well thanks for this article i need a slap on the face...

desperate man in search of an answer's picture

Chase I have been reading some of your articles and fit perfectly into the guy who gets stuck into the "nice guy friend" catagory. There is this stunningly beautiful woman I know at this country club I belong to. She was married when I first met her so I couldn't make a move. Latter she got a divorce and started dating a guy at the club. When they broke up we started playing tennis more and doing things together more. We soon became very close friends txting each other a lot every day. I soon fell deeply in love with her, more than any woman I have in my life. But then a few days ago she txted me that she thinks of me only as a friend. It killed me inside. Is there anything I can do now I pray to help myself get out of this catagory? I need an answer FAST!

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