3 Steps to Help Her to Orgasm from Sex

In the article on actor-observer bias, a reader asks:

“One thing I would like to ask is: could you by way of reply or as an article idea for the future write about how to give a girl an orgasm when she's never had them before? My girl has been with three or so guys before me and has never (not even whilst self-pleasuring) had an orgasm. She says I have gotten the closest and is astonunded at my ability in bed for a first-timer, but no one has been able to quite get her over the edge. I understand about 10% of women have this issue. Is there anything I can do to make her come for the first time?”

Since we just covered how to make a girl orgasm in general last month, I felt this one would make for a good follow up: how do you help her to orgasm if she's never climaxed before?

I've had the pleasure of having been the man who introduced a number of past lovers to their first orgasms from penetrative sex. Some of them had had orgasms in the past before from manual stimulation or from oral sex, but had never climaxed vaginally from a man's penis before.

Some had never climaxed at all.

As her lover, this is always the most satisfying way to make her climax. It's the most powerful, it's the only one that's mutual (as she's climaxing, so can you), and there's nothing that makes you feel like a man or her feel like you are one than making her writhe with sexual delight with your manhood, rather than your finger or tongue.

But how do you succeed at making a girl orgasm from sex where other men have failed?

In 1968, American feminist writer Anne Koedt wrote a now famous article entitled "The Myth of the Vaginal Orgasm." Koedt - who was not a scientist, and had never studied female orgasm firsthand - fired a volley at the scientific establishment's thinking on the female orgasm: that there were clitoral orgasms, and vaginal orgasms, and that the more satisfying orgasms were the vaginal ones, and that women who were "frigid" (as Sigmund Freud put it) were unable to achieve the more satisfying vaginal ones, and the frigidity reinforced the lack of vaginal orgasms, and the lack of vaginal orgasms caused further frigidity.

Not so, said Koedt - there is but ONE source of orgasm in a woman: the clitoris.

That's it. In fact, Koedt even goes so far as to say that lesbian sex is far better than heterosexual sex, and that the penis is irrelevant for women:

“Men fear that they will become sexually expendable if the clitoris is substituted for the vagina as the center of pleasure for women. Actually this has a great deal of validity if one considers only the anatomy. The position of the penis inside the vagina, while perfect for reproduction, does not necessarily stimulate an orgasm in women because the clitoris is located externally and higher up. Women must rely upon indirect stimulation in the "normal" position.

Lesbian sexuality could make an excellent case, based upon anatomical data, for the irrelevancy of the male organ. Albert Ellis says something to the effect that a man without a penis can make a woman an excellent lover.”

She then goes on to say that women who claim to have had orgasms vaginally are wrong, and are merely trying to satisfy how men THINK women ought to orgasm.

They are but deluded victims of male chauvinistic oppression.

The call to arms of the article was for women to throw off all this male-created nonsense about vaginal orgasms, get women to stop feeling bad about their lack of ability to orgasm vaginally, and get their partners to focus on that one part of them that did achieve climax: the clitoris.

And on several points Koedt was right, it wasn't women's faults that they weren't achieving vaginal orgasms via penetrative sex, and they shouldn't feel bad about it.

But she was also wrong - and unintentionally led men and women alike away from the most intense, powerful orgasms that a woman can experience.

Orgasm: Not Just for Clitorises

I get the biggest smiles when I have girls I'm about to take to bed tell me the can't orgasm vaginally.

I love it.

Because they're the ones you get to show you know their bodies better than they ever will, and have them stare at you in wide-eyed wonder when you're all done.

But wait, you might say, I thought only the clitoris could orgasm in women?

One of the fascinating things about orgasm is this: it isn't purely a genital phenomenon.

I've had orgasms in my thigh muscles before after some of the hardest and most intense leg extension workouts of my life. Not sexual orgasms from working out - actual muscle contractions in the quadriceps that felt exactly like sexual orgasms. Other men I've talked to who push themselves beyond their limits lifting weights have told me they've experienced the same thing. It's quite surprising the first time you feel it.

Women too can orgasm in places besides their genitals. Indeed, women can climax from breast stimulation alone - again, not an orgasm in the genitals arising from breast stimulation, but orgasms from breast stimulation confined to the breasts - stroking the breast causes orgasms within the breast.

For the doubting Thomases, all you need do is hit Google and search for "stroke breast orgasm" and read the reports of numerous different women talking about this, or check out this piece of research from the Journal of Sexual Medicine entitled "Women's Clitoris, Vagina, and Cervix Mapped on the Sensory Cortex: fMRI Evidence":

“The genital sensory cortex, identified in the classical Penfield homunculus based on electrical stimulation of the brain only in men, was confirmed for the first time in the literature by the present study in women applying clitoral, vaginal, and cervical self-stimulation, and observing their regional brain responses using fMRI. Vaginal, clitoral, and cervical regions of activation were differentiable, consistent with innervation by different afferent nerves and different behavioral correlates. Activation of the genital sensory cortex by nipple self-stimulation was unexpected, but suggests a neurological basis for women's reports of its erotogenic quality.”

In other words, the researchers found that nipple stimulation activates similar but distinct erogenous parts of the brain to clitoral stimulation (cervical and vaginal stimulation also activate other distinct regions of the brain's erogenous zone... no doubt surprising news to Ms. Koedt).

Women can climax in at least four ways: clitoral, vaginal, cervical, and breast. (I'm not certain if anal orgasms count as distinct or not, since what you're usually stimulating to orgasm is the back wall of the cervix through stimulation via the anus - but I'm not big on anal sex and haven't studied this much, so there may actually be orgasmic contractions in the anus itself too; I can't really say)

Now here's the ten million dollar question:

If women's bodies are so naturally orgasmic, why do so many women never achieve vaginal orgasm?

Clueless Men and Inexperienced Women

The rate of women reporting vaginal orgasms as they grow older goes up a good bit.

You'll find few young women in their late teens or early twenties able to climax vaginally. However, by the time you talk to women in their forties, a healthy number (around 20% to 25%) of them can finish vaginally/cervically from penetrative sex (including positions that include no direct clitoral stimulation).

What gives and why the difference?

A vaginal orgasm is not like a clitoral orgasm. It's neither as easily achieved, nor as well-known or widely experienced by women. It's also far more powerful than a clitoral one.

Orgasm is something that a woman must learn to have, to a certain extent. Some highly orgasmic women never have to spend much time on this - from the moment they start having sex, they're having orgasms.

But there are also plenty of women who view clitoral orgasms as much a myth as Anne Koedt viewed vaginal ones.

The most difficult time I've ever had getting a woman to achieve vaginal orgasm was with a woman who, when I met her, couldn't even achieve clitoral orgasm. In fact, when I first went to sleep with her, I detected no discernable sex desire whatsoever, and I was even surprised when she went to bed with me - I was certain, reaching in to kiss her in my apartment, she was simply going to push me away, say "no," and leave.

She told me she hadn't had sex in two years and had been largely without any sex desire for those two years. Sex had never really been all that interesting for her.

She was an exemplar of what Freud would have called a "frigid woman."

We ended up dating for a good while (her desire for sex came back pretty quickly after she met me, even if orgasms weren't quite as quick to show up), and it took her around a year to achieve clitoral orgasm, and she didn't achieve vaginal orgasm until another half a year after that (which, by the way, was quite bizarre for me; I'm very used to women climaxing hard and fast with me, even the "tough" cases who've never orgasmed with anyone else).

Usually this process is much quicker. Most women don't take nearly as long to have their orgasm levels "unlocked" as this girl did.

But the case is, most men don't know how to unlock their woman's ability to climax and help her to orgasm... and most women don't even know the orgasms are there, hidden away inside their bodies, just waiting to be discovered.

"It seems like every ex-girlfriend of yours becomes sex-crazy," a friend of mine once commented. He was referring to the habit of former lovers of mine to start dating up a storm and sleeping with a flurry of new men and try a range of kinky sex after we broke up.

The reason why, I told him, is, in part, because women with me experience their sexual awakenings.

"Sexual awakening" was a term first introduced to me by a friend in California. He'd told me about a beautiful Eastern European girl he'd taken as his girlfriend in university who'd been a virgin at the time. He opened up the world of sex to her, and taught her to really enjoy it and taught her to orgasm.

After the 2-year mark, however, the passion faded and he began to invest less in the relationship and she began to cause more drama and become less satisfied. The relationship dragged on for another two years (two years longer than it should have, my friend told me), and eventually she cheated, he found out, and they broke up.

She went on to sleep with a number of different men, now awakened, and curious about what else was out there and how good the sex with other men could be.

This is sexual awakening. It's a woman's transition from seeing sex as "something nice" or something she did "for her boyfriend's sake" into being able to experience great pleasure from it and viewing it as something she thirsts to experience the full variety of and explore to great extent.

(this is also why I prefer women with a bit more experience... a girl who's had a few other lovers before knows she's getting something special with you when you're a good lover; a girl whose first you are doesn't know this, and her only reference point with sex is you - she therefore assumes that, because sex with YOU is so good, it must be just as good with OTHER men - maybe even better... and even if you're incredibly talented in bed and she's unlikely to meet another man on par with your abilities, she has no way of knowing this or believing it until she goes out and has more experiences with other men herself)

Vaginal orgasms and sexual awakenings go hand-in-hand; it's reached the point where I view them as nearly one and the same. The more powerful the level of orgasm you unlock in a girl, the more powerful her subsequent sexual awakening becomes.

That is perhaps the blessing and the curse of training a girl to orgasm: she will enjoy far more rewarding sex with you and fall in love with you harder than you thought possible, while at the same time becoming much more interested in sex in general - and, far more curious about sex with other men.

Why You Need to Help Her to Orgasm

Why can't women just orgasm on their own, without training or help?

Indeed, some women can. But many cannot, and never do.

Why not?

The study "Immature Defense Mechanisms Are Associated with Lesser Vaginal Orgasm Consistency and Greater Alcohol Consumption before Sex" sheds some clarity:

“The results provide further evidence that difficulty in having a vaginal orgasm is associated with immature defenses (and associated disturbances of sensibility), among other indicators of poorer health and relatedness. ACBS might impair vaginal orgasm or increase the likelihood of choosing other sexual activities, but this effect might be somewhat contingent on immature defenses. Based on various empirical studies, we call for examination of the possibility that lack of vaginal orgasm (given an adequate man) should qualify as a female sexual dysfunction.”

What the researchers are saying there is, put in simple terms, women who are closed off and repressed mentally are a lot less likely to be able to climax vaginally.

And why do women become closed off mentally?

The answer is what we discussed in "Women's Forgotten Past": society and social pressure.

There's a great deal of importance and pressure placed on sex for women... so much so that the majority of women are quite guarded and stiff about it.

These are the "frigid women" of Freud's description, except they aren't frigid because there's anything the matter with them; they're frigid because society has scared them stiff.

As her lover, it's your duty - dare I say your moral obligation? - to set her free from these constraints, and allow her to fully embrace the pleasures and joys of being a woman.

How to Set Her Free

The less in touch with her emotions she is, and the more she's drowned out, deadened, and suppressed her sexuality, the more you're going to need to help her loosen up before vaginal orgasm becomes achievable.

Worth mentioning: you can't gauge how in or out of touch she is with her sexuality based on her behavior or level of promiscuity (or lack of it).

I've slept with women who've had one lover before who threw themselves heartily into sex and were climaxing (vaginally) very quickly.

Likewise, I've slept with women who'd had scads of one-night stands but had never had a vaginal orgasm before in their lives, and rarely had clitoral ones.

(and vice versa; I've had women who loved one-night stands and would orgasm hard minutes into sex, and plenty of less experienced women who couldn't cum to save their lives)

So, let's say you've got a girlfriend who isn't able to climax vaginally, or isn't able to climax at all, and you want to train her to orgasm.

How do you do it?

You do it thus:

1. Buy her a vibrator. Some men are threatened by vibrators, or see them as competition for them in sex. Or, as an insult - if she needs to use a vibrator, clearly her man isn't getting the job done. But a vibrator allows her to figure out what feels best to her and to do that until she learns to climax. This doesn't help you directly - what she's doing to herself with the vibrator is very different from anything you'll be doing to her - but what it does for you indirectly is wonderful: it trains her to orgasm, removes a lot of the pressure around orgasm from her, and shows her that orgasm is possible (many women believe they simply cannot climax if they've never been able to before).

2. Tell her to shut up and stop stressing it. Particularly if you're dating excitable women (and I, for one, like dating excitable women), you can have women begin to view orgasming as their "project," and then start putting a lot of pressure on themselves to climax, and on you to make them climax. My girlfriend who took the longest for me to help her orgasm also put the most pressure on herself; she didn't get better about this until I repeatedly scolded her by telling her, "So long as you keep putting pressure on yourself to get there, you will NEVER achieve orgasm, I promise you that much. So knock it off, stop stressing it, stop stressing ME, and just let me work my magic and you just enjoy it." She finally calmed down about it, and a month or two later began orgasming from sex (progressively harder, too).

3. Use adapted missionary. That's the position discussed in "Make Her Orgasm Hard from Sex in 8 Minutes or Less." I put this position together expressly for training women to orgasm vaginally by providing both clitoral and vaginal stimulation. The clitoral stimulation gets her excited enough that her mental defense mechanisms against enjoying a vaginal orgasm break down. Once she's accustomed to vaginal orgasm, you can begin making her climax in all kinds of different positions that don't involve clitoral stimulation at all, but during the training period, clitoral stimulation helps immensely.

On that last, here's the deal: the clitoris is a lot more sensitive than the interior of the vagina. Anne Koedt mentions that the vagina is quite insensitive to touch, and this is right. The vagina is the female equivalent of the male penis head - touch it out of context and there's virtually no sensation.

However, if you ever want to try something very interesting, get yourself close to the point of orgasm, then stroke or have your woman stroke your penis head. Suddenly, this insensitive part of the body becomes very sensitive... more sensitive than anywhere else, in fact.

The vagina/cervix functions the same way - this is why women with mental defense mechanisms in place and who haven't learned to "let go" can't orgasm from it.

Not until they learn to be completely in the moment, to lay back and enjoy, to trust that eventually, the orgasms will come, are they able to experience vaginal climax.

Each of those three steps above - buying her a vibrator (training her to orgasm and see orgasm as a more natural and less pressured thing), telling her to quit pressuring herself and that she'll never orgasm while she IS, and using adapted missionary - which puts her in a trance-like state of rhythmic stimulation to both clitoris and vagina - is focused on clearing aside her worries and enabling her to cum.

Should You Be Worried About an Awakening?

What about the whole sexual awakening thing? Is this something you need to worry about?

Quite honestly, I'd say that depends on you, the girl, and the kind of relationship you want with her.

If she's a virgin when you meet her and you are her first lover, unless she's the extremely quiet, uncurious type, then yes - the sexual awakening you cause in her by leading her to explosive, powerful orgasms will probably eventually destroy your relationship. Death by curiosity... that'll be what goes on the autopsy report.

Didn't expect me to say that, did you? You wanted me to tell you you could help her to orgasm and give a girl the best time of her life and she'd love you forever for it, not that it'd make her insatiably curious about exploring what other men had to offer too, didn't you?

Well, it doesn't work that way... at least not if she's inexperienced.

The better and stronger the orgasms she has with you, the more powerful will be her love for you. But the less experienced she is when receiving these better and stronger orgasms from you, the more curious it's going to make her about other men and what it's like to experience sex with them, too.

Remember, you're not just removing her inhibitions about orgasm as you take her through this process. You're removing her inhibitions about sex in general.

You're teaching her to see sex as a good thing... a pleasurable thing... a natural thing.

And she will see it that way not just with you, but with every man she likes.

She will doubt her girlfriends when they tell her sex isn't that good with their boyfriends or the other men they've been with. She'll assume the problem is with THEM, the GIRLS, and not with the guys.

After all, her experience is with just one guy... and it's AMAZING. What's more likely - that she has the one guy in a million who's a rock star in bed, just by pure chance... or that she just really enjoys sex?

In that sense, orgasm is thus a double-edged sword... she'll have a fantastic time with you and love you more and always remember you as one of, if not THE, best in her mind for the fantastic experience you gave her in bed.

But if she's inexperienced, she'll become so curious about what else is out there and how much BETTER it might be, that she won't want to stay.

On the other hand, if she already has some experience under her belt - if she's already had a few boyfriends, a few lovers, a one-night stand or two - then she knows that other men can't do what you can do.

You are unique.

She'll be much more inclined to believe her girlfriends when they tell her sex isn't that good. And she'll be more likely to gloat (to herself) over how talented her man (you) is in bed.

Therefore, the risk of a sexual awakening is directly correlated to your girl's experience level with men - the more experienced she is with men, the less likely you are to have problems arise out of a sexual awakening; the less experienced she is, the more so.

What to Do

If you're young, or you're dating a young and inexperienced girl, you may be wondering if it's even worth it to risk losing your girl just to give her a great time in bed.

But if you're following the other advice on this site, finding new women to date that meet your requirements isn't going to be too hard.

I recommend you don't hold back, and allow your girl to experience the kind of sex that most women never do.

That might mean the two of you aren't together forever. But, frequently, with young folks' relationships, you never end up being together forever anyway, no matter how intense and wild and crazy it feels at the beginning.

If you really care about her, you have an opportunity to do something quite possibly no other man she ever meets will, and help her to orgasm and change sex for her for the better forever - I think that's something worth doing.

Not to mention the fact that you'll feel like a stud teaching a girl how to climax and making her orgasm in ways she didn't know were possible for her before, too.

I think even Anne Koedt would approve of that.

Always,
Chase Amante