Why Chasing Women Doesn’t Work and Why Persistence Does | Girls Chase

Why Chasing Women Doesn’t Work and Why Persistence Does

Chase Amante

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We've had a few questions on here lately about the difference between chasing women vs. persisting with women. A few weeks back William B. raised the point when I asked for ideas on what the new forum's bonus book should be on:

I'd like to see something fleshing out the nuances between chasing and persistence.

And more recently, a commenter on the article on how to find the woman you want asked:

I guess what i want to know is how does all this play in with not chasing her...if you leave enough time between your proposals it doesn't count as chasing?

I've seen a few other people ask about it on other articles as well.

What's the difference between chasing women and persisting with them, anyway? Aren't they one and the same?

chasing women

Actually, the two are VERY different - and women are right for desiring persistent men to a point... and fleeing from men who chase after that point.

Let's have a look at why that is, and how you can better walk the line between chasing and persistence.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.

GET CHASE’S ONE DATE SYSTEM

Comments

Anonymous's picture

You know chase, I've gotten quite a few girls being persistent. Some I was persistent for months and they came around. In fact, one of them is my gf. Now, when I had the mentality of nexting girls for giving me resistance, I didn't have nearly as much success. I will make one distinction. My persistence is very playful and non needy and it in no way hurts my ego..I find, if done in this way, women get worn dow and give in

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Howdy Anon,

Absolutely. You can definitely still win with women over the long term, with enough persistence and wearing them down, but it DOES have to be completely non-needy. I've heard a few stories from women who've ended up with men this way so I know it exists (haven't met guys personally who've used this approach successfully).

The reason I don't talk about it here is it takes a guy who's both 1) non-needy with the girls he's persisting with and 2) interested enough / naturally flirtatious enough to continue persisting with women without getting attached to them or chasing them over the long haul, and that's a pretty tough mix for guys who are learning to come by.

However, once a guy reaches that point where he is truly not needy or attached to the women he's pursuing and he isn't going to lay there awake at night trying to figure out how to get her, then he's fine to flirt with her whenever he sees her... and eventually land her.

Comes down to the old adage about mastering something: you get good enough, eventually most of the rules stop applying to you.

Best,
Chase

Jon's picture

Yea, my roommate landed his current model girlfriend this way. Met her in June, finally laid her in September, finally became exclusive in November. So they've been dating a little more than a month. It also helps that he's a trust fund baby so he can spend his money freely on her, and he has. He has taken her on a lot of fun trips, buys her everything, etc. and in return he gets to have sex with a hotty. It's like legal prostitution lol.

Anyway, point is all that pursuing and spending thousands eventually got her in the sack. And he's pussy whipped like a mofo. So I agree that chasing IS bad because it can be expensive and it can take a few months and I think anybody reading this knows that eventually this girl is going to leave when she gets bored of the gifts and he runs out of money (which he's about out of last he told me lol).

So yea - feel free to Chase if you got the money. It's legal prostitution. Don't chase if you understand that there are other fish in the sea.

Jake's picture

Hi Chase,

Awesome article, just wish I had seen it earlier! I have a question I was hoping to see what you thought. There is a girl in my class at the beginning of the semester and we got paired into a group. At first, she was really interested in me and constantly talking to me online. I just wasn't 100% sure of my feelings for her at the time and was going through a lot so I didn't really do anything with her. So after 2 months of this from her, she lost interest. Right around then, I was able to get a lot of things under control on my part financially and I also realized I really did have feelings for her as I got to know the real her.

Then, I believe she lost interest and didn't really show any signs towards me and might have tried to play hard to get. I gave up after 2 weeks or so to "cut the chord" if you will and right around then, she started to show interest in me again about 1.5 weeks ago. The problem is, I just didn't act fast enough as it was only a week and classes just ended (meaning I won't see her again until I maybe bump into her after winter break). Right after my last class, she was shy to talk to me and I couldn't talk to her as she was talking with people.

She did send me an IOI filled message talking about how great I was (which I think was to see if I would still respond to her since she didn't talk to me in class). I made a key mistake in making the texting too long and boring, which she ended up not responding to eventually.

I then tried to call her to ask her out but ended up playing phone tag about 4 times with her (I know first hand that she was legitimately busy). She texted me saying, "Sorry about that! I was out having dinner!" I told her I would talk to her later.

In the past, I had asked her out one time and she didn't reject nor accept (she just asked me why I wanted to go with her to get smoothies instead of going by myself). That was when she wasn't really appearing to be interested in me.

Given that it is finals time, I believe she is very busy. However, with the fact that she was still giving me IOIs up until three days ago, would you just attribute it to her showing those IOIs as a result of wanting the attention I gave her initially or if it was real interest?

Because she probably only has one or two free days before winter break, would you cut the chords now and wait until next semester or give it another shot (which might appear to be chasing)? Thanks!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hi Jake,

When it's dragged on with a lot of mixed signals and back-and-forth like this one where you've given chase and she's being coy, the best way out of it is to force a decision on her and then be done with it if she doesn't decide your way.

Her not answering a lot isn't a good sign... doesn't really matter how "busy" she is. If a woman's plowing 80 hours a week into school or work but she really likes you, she'll answer the phone (or call you back). Her apologizing over text ("Sorry about that!") is her taking care of your emotions; the quick explanation ("I was out having dinner!") without asking you what's going on, or why you called, or anything about you after you've tried calling her four times says she isn't lifting a finger to try to communicate with you or spend time with you.

I'd just send her a quick, "Katie, haven't been able to reach you, probably because you're demolishing your finals right now ;) Anyway, semester's almost over... let's grab a bite before we're out of here on break. Let me know when your schedule's open."

If she hems and haws, just tell her you can see she's really busy, and have a great break, very neutral. Then don't initiate contact again. She may start chasing you next semester, but you'll have to play coy and let her do all the pursuit and line up all the dates... all you'll do is give her the terms you'll see her on when she asks to hang out (e.g., only at your place, etc.). The instant you chase even once, even a single iota, she'll know it's back to the same as before and she starts running again and you start chasing.

Chase

Jake's picture

Chase, that sounds like great advice, however I noticed in past material you suggested always trying to give the girl a call instead of text... The girl did follow up with me and ask whether I got my question solved (she thinks its a homework question).... In this case would you still go by text or give her a call? Thanks!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey Jake,

A few years back I was still advocating calls over texts for asking girls out, but technology's reached the point of acceptance, and dating's reached the point of casualness, where it seems way too formal / big deal-ish now to call girls to ask them out on dates. So these days, I only advocate via text.

See these posts for a bit more info:

How to Text a Girl
What to Text Girls to Get DATES

Cheers,
Chase

Jake's picture

Hey Chase,

Thanks for your response last time. I was going to send her a text like you said but I ended up being completely swamped with family and school. She did text me: "Did u get your question answered?" but I didn't respond back for around 3 days now due to family issues. At this point, should I apologize and respond back?

Jimmy 's picture

Hey man, great blog. I really need some advice here. Ill try breaking this down quick. Met this girl, we hit it off-very quickly went on a road trip together. We ended up having a big fight because she flirted with some dude one time. We made it up, I guessed she was doing it cos I have been blowing kind of hot and cold. She couldn't read me. I went away for a month but we stayed in touch and when I returned she asked me to be her boyfriend and I was kind of harsh about it and was like NO WAY and you are not what I want. I guess I thought the chick is so into me that I could have my cake and eat it. I'm real ashamed of my behaviour and realise now that it was all from the insecurity of losing this girl. She is going through a lot of emotional turmoil right now and I think I just added to it. Anyway her friends and family kinda rallied around her and she broke it off not wanting to see me cos I made her feel bad. I know this sounds really bad but we had a lot of good times and this is the first girl that made something resonate in me in a few years. I gave her a few days and then we went out and I behaved as I wished to be treated and we had a great time and she came back to my place. I thought this was the beginning of something good but in the morning she seemed distant. The next day her friends took her out and got her wasted. I wanted to see her as she was leaving for a ten day trip to NYC with two friends in the following week. I didn't see her til Saturday and we had dinner and were kissing and making plans and she told me the other night was amazing but again she broke down when I pushed too hard for affection. I have been in agony for a week now by this point so I told her 'this is me I'm offering everything you asked of me, don't make me leave now' I kind of upped the stakes and she let me go. She was in tears but she kind of made it clear she wanted me out of there. We haven't spoken since. The only way I could feel in control again was by avoiding all contact. She didn't believe I wouldn't hurt her again but I feel like I can't think of anything but the girl I could have been happy with and who wanted me. She's not been in touch. She's left with her friends and won't be back for a week. Should I wait til she gets back or drop her a line whilst she's away. I want to prove that I can be everything she wanted me to be. I've been not chasing other girls and waiting on her which kind of feels awful but it's been a good shock to my system in a way. Will not contacting her just make her move on faster or will she start to (I was hoping) feel uncomfortable about her decision to not give it a chance and fear I may move on myself. Honesty and openness wasn't working for me...it was repelling her and made me look needy after being a douche for so long....I have nothing but good intentions here and no longer wish to live in fear.

Thanks

J

Anonymous's picture

hey chase

Great read .

just over a two months ago i was intruduced to a girl by a couple i know, started off texting and getting to know each other. when we first met it was fantastic, got along great , we have met up every weekend since. As we have got to know each other a bit more and opened up to each other, she has a few issues with one of her ex partners who she left for stealing from her. (she was engaged to him )

she is in the process of talking to him again and getting her stuff back, but now i feel on the outer with her , hardly talks to me ect. i feel ive done somthing wrong i dunno, it all started great ,told each other how we feel , she stated she isnt ready for a relationship 'just yet', which i respect and kinda understand. I dont no if i should keep trying to talk to her or just give her a break and wait till she gets in touch with me .

thanks

Lancer's picture

Your article is spot on. It's right about everything. It's only starting this year that I realized that I'm living in fantasy and force things in an attempt to "work things out," heavily using surveillance and having strong feelings of jealousy, possessiveness, anxiety, shyness, and self-consciousness I'm actively trying to stop chasing, though I'm hesitant on starting on persistence since I might fall into the same cycle again.

I'm 18, I'm a college freshman, I unexpectedly developed feelings for a girl who works in the Academic Office who is 8 years older than me!

She looked like she was fresh out of college. She looks 21 or 22 and she told me it's only been about a year since she graduated. I developed feelings after she started trying to speak Korean to me which was really adorable. Which is when I started to fall for her I began to flirt and play around. She and the other office workers made hints that I was still "too young." This was true, but I didn't know her actual age at the time, so I was chasing.

My feelings for her and the accumulation of personal stress came to a breaking point where I entered hysteria in class and crying uncontrollably. I walked into the Academic Office looking for my Academic adviser to help me. My adviser was absent, so the girl I liked stopped to talk with me. She was like an older sister then, giving me her experiences and telling me that life was hard for her, but she now learned to let things go and enjoy it. It was then she told me her real age and why it took her so long to graduate college. I realized she had it tough and I was still such a kid in comparison. I really felt cared for at that point. I realized then, I wanted relationships to fill up the gap that my parents left of being loved and cared for, not actually for love.

Now with this in realization. I'm wrestling with my feelings. I know in reality the difference are just too vast. I'm only in China for another month, age gap, and also the experience/interest factor. Yet, I still have these feelings. I buy little snacks and drinks for her to brighten her work day, but sometimes I can hit the surveillance mode of spending too much time with her to the point of bothering her. I want to stop and cut off, but I can't or rather, my emotions tell me I can't. She told me she would be my noona (older sister) and take care of me as a little brother. This is seemingly hurting me inside, because it's inviting me to stay when I really shouldn't. I want to tell her all of this. I feel for her, but I know it won't work. I want to be honest and then let it go, but I don't know if that's the right thing to do.

Please give a response! I haven't been able to eat lately and I've been having headaches non-stop because of this...I want to stop it, I want to cry...but my feelings, my god damn feelings. It's not love, but my emotions are trying to trick me...

Chase please!!! Some help!!!

Jimmy's picture

I suspect this post will help you: http://www.girlschase.com/content/cant-stop-thinking-about-her-heres-why...

Also, I would say go and see a school psychologist/counselor (since that would probably be free of charge) if you seriously can't stop yourself after a month of going out and meeting other cool girls and flirting with them. Also, my own personal recommendation, don't masturbate/look at porn; you will get a lot more sexual energy that way and it can help you charge your interactions with women.

Soraya's picture

Excellent article, more men should think like you. I am a girl. Right now i am expierincing this with a guy, i really liked him in the beginning. But now after years, i lost interest. It's really exhausting, to know he likes me but doesnt do the right thing. I have thought maybe he is not that into me, but then i can see clear signs he likes me. All I want is a man, someone with confidence and knows what and when he wants it.
How can you know for sure he likes you but doesnt know how, or is just not that into you?

Thanks!
Soraya

Anonymous 's picture

Hello,
nice article here, it really speaks the truth!
What i was wondering is, i am a female, but what is considered Persistence/Chasing? I had a guy staring at me for a whole year. He never talked to me, just once or two times..but it wasn't a long conversation. Then one time he asked me for my number i gave it to him, we texted for a couple of months. He asked me out in the meantime, but he cancelled. Then he would again stare at me and text me to hang out..(maybe 5 or 6 times) but he doesnt really give me a time. This is going on for 3 years. I have the feeling he wants me to take the lead, but im not going to. It's a guys job you know. Still he stares at me and gets nervous, but it gets really irritating. He never talks. Is it my fault that i didnt do anything or doesnt he know how?

Thankyou

Jimmy's picture

If a guy is irritating, he probably isn't a guy you want to be in a relationship. Tell him straight up to stop staring at you (and that bluntly), and that you're not romantically interested in him.

Anonymous's picture

More guys do this than you would ever know, because you don't date them. They go out of their way to contact/pursue you...and then the minute you show interest they back off. So you think to yourself - "hmm, that's weird...oh well." You forget about it and go about your business. Then he comes back...then he backs off...then back again...then back off...over and over. I had a guy do this and I finally told him off and he got pissed at ME!! Keep in mind there is no contact initiated by me, it is always him. Sorry, but no matter what you wanna tell me, I have never even heard of a girl who plays this juvenile push-pull game. If a girl backs off once, it's usually for good and she never texts you again asking to see you...why the F would she if she didn't want to??? Sure there are always exceptions to every rule and there are probably a teeny percentage of women out there who do this, but this weird behavior is largely exclusive to men. And guys wonder why "all women are bitches?" Lol.

Anonymous's picture

Ok, so I realized that I'm chasing a girl and it sucks. So what I'm getting from this article is that you shouldn't waste time? I'm just confused, if you don't want to have sex with her, are you suposed to just take her on dates, make out with her? like, what qualifies as not being slow but not freaking her out with moving too fast?

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase,

Thanks for a great article. It has given me some insight for my current situation. I have this guy who's been calling and texting me for nearly a month now from the last time I spoke to him, and he's still not getting the hint. The number one thing that men need to understand about the chasing approach is that it's not only unattractive....IT'S SO CREEPY. You're not going to get a girl by making her annoyed and fearful.

My question for you Chase, my inclination is to just text him back letting him know that I'm not interested. However, my friends think it's a bad idea because he might ask why which will open a can of worms. To give you some more info, we did hangout and fool around a few times... I would say a total of about 6 times in a two weeks period. However, the whole time we were just hanging out as friends. I pulled back because I don't think he was understanding the just friends part. Does this change the situation as far as how I should handle this? Should I just keep ignoring his calls, or should I text him letting him know that I'm not interested? Thanks in advance for your response.

A note to men:

Men have this idea that women want to hear all this flowery language... sure, once we get to know you, you can delve into your emotions and tell us the many ways you cherish us. But when you've only dated a woman a few times... texting her all the time that you miss her, you love her, and a bunch of crazy nonsense is once again creepy. It also makes a woman feel like you're playing her and undermining her intelligence in the process.... just saying.

Also...You always hear about how women don't value their worth... but it's amazing how many men are guilty of the same. You should seek someone whose worthy of your love and attention. Why would you want to blow up the phone of a woman who's clearly not interested? If she's not calling you back after a second attempt.... leave it alone. Seriously, when men and women are interested... they react. It's not hard to figure out, there's no science behind it. When a girl is interested, she's literally waiting for your call and taking measures to make sure she doesn't miss it or at the very least gets back to you in a timely manner. To those who are like "well what if there's a phone mishap," if you've texted and called leaving a message and a phone mishap has prevented it from going through, go ahead and conclude that it's fate stepping in on your behalf. Every girl you meet is not going to have a phone mishap preventing your messages from going through, so don't fool yourself.

Anonymous's picture

stumble upon this. I wouldnt say im a pro. But this article is very fucking true. I learnt myself the hard way last time, for those who are new, understand it!

thomas's picture

Man amongst men, I applaud you good sir.
I have a question though. Is it a problem to be too persistant and ask her for a second date? She flaked out on the second one :( Should I move on Chase?

Anonymous's picture

Hello Chase, This article is 100% identical to me right now. I know this girl through Facebook for 2 weeks now, we haven't met in reality though (I actually offered to take her on a date in the park and she said why not) but one time we talked and I guess I got a pretty damn huge mouth, I guess it got annoying for her so she said she was offended by me (we were engaged in a light verbal friendly battle) and she said she wouldn't talk to me since then. So she didn't, and I with 99.9% of my stupidity tried to contact her every 2-3 days, like a helpless dog bleeding to death on the streets unless I get some attention. It happened last friday, today is Thursday and its almost been a week now.
I am thinking that this battle is lost for me, she communicates with other rival males just fine and out in public through comments, etc. but won't even respond to a simple hello. She is obviously doing fine, uploading photos of herself as usual, talking to friends, posting about how tired of life she is... the usual 'frustrated' stuff. I just realized that I was chasing her for the past few days, and that this is just WRONG. I am unsure if I should move on or is there any last resort for me - a second and final chance (I get alot of these in my life, and usually I make that 2nd chance count and never repeat mistakes!) to at least meet the person in Reality, even if we will be just friends that's totally fine with me.
The article makes me think a lot and see things more clearly, I was aiming to be Persistent but I ended up panicking and Chasing her, making it bad.
I could use an opinion, is there any chance for a last long-shot in the dark ? Anything at all just to try?

dave's picture

Ok so ive never posted anythibg like this beforebut i have been chasing a girl for o er two years now the problem is that she is also my best friend and i see her almost everyday we do bf/gf activities except im not getting any of the rewards she knoes how i feel and isnt interested i know this sounds pathticand i do forcemyself to see otherwomen and i do sleep with other women but i only really want her she knows me better then i know myself and vise versa. What she gives up easilyand what ither men take for granted from her (sex) is somethibg that i want to experince with her more then anything i also dont want to loose her friendship so idk i know it will probably never work my confidence is just destroyed why is it that she will give herself so easily to other men but not me? I dont get it im not unattractive and i usually have no problem sleepibg with women just this one girl i cant make myself stop caring for her id do anythin for her and i dont want to loose her but at the sametime im stuck in this rut and ive already told her im always going to be jealous of other men. Anyhow sorry for writing so much.

Ronald's picture

Hi Chase,

Interesting topic. I met this girl and we danced and kissed extensively. We had a lot of fun and quite sure she likes me too. At the end of the night she told me that we should meet again. I called her and she told me she would call me back tonight, because she was busy. She didn't. What should I do about it?

I think I should wait at least one more day. But what if she still didn't call? Should I call her again? I think it would be stupid if the date wouldn't continue because of some miscommunication.

Ronald.

Alex forest's picture

there is this girl that I like, she is a girl with a dark past, so dark that she gets invited by places to share her story, the first time she was aware I had interest she told me she was going through stuff. I thought she was making up excuses, but then I got word on the side that she was dealing with a lot of issues and that even her adopted mom wanted her to take a break from school and come home to deal with her issues, months went by and then I tried again, we spoke on the phone and she told me she has doubts about me, that are holding her back from building with me and that she doesn't trust me. so months go by and I wait again but keep in touch...now despite this, she is not cold or distant toward me, as a matter of fact we have hung out alone together on numerous occasions, she even invited me to her house and I meet her mom, and when I ask her to do stuff with me despite knowing my interest she doesn't reject me but instead goes with me . we even had two weeks in a row where we texted everyday, skyped, and even spoke on the phone for a while (she did all this while knowing that I have feelings for her)!! recently I asked her to go out with me to get some food, she went with me! we were flirting a lot as always!!! the conversation was great, I was making her laugh like crazy!! then she told me a story about her past that she refused to tell me a year ago when I asked her. I was happy cause I felt that through time she got to trust me. it seems like we have great chemistry. but then when I walked her home that night, she told me that she still doesn't feel it, I asked her if she had ever thought about us being a couple. she said that yes she has thought about it. but for some reason, she is just not there...she seemed kinda unsure of herself cause she would pause and hesitate before she spoke, then she even replied..."maybe its not you"...she is not distant or cold towards me, and the fact that she still willingly engages with me makes me feel that I could still get her with time and patience. I have heard many stories from friends that were rejected many times from their girls, but they stuck with it and now they are together...honestly, do you think I should hang in their or not...I feel like this is a game of chess, what should be my next move...

Raymond's picture

Thank you Chase,

This article will be life-changing for me.
I've been imaging being with this girl for a long time, And I have been always caring and supportive for her. At first we got along well and talked a lot.. we were close, then over the time she started to ignore me. Now, it just seems that she doesn't give a rat shit about me at all. I was disappointed about how she changed and I kept in touch with her.
But it is just more disappointment for me. It even destroyed my confidence with other girls because I was thinking maybe she ignored me cause I wasn't attractive or interesting enough.

I hope any other dudes that have the similar stories as mine can read your article too and wake up. Stop wasting our god dam time and go out hit some cooler girls up.

Best Regards,
Raymond

Wesley's picture

Chase
I met this girl online a few back. We have hung out about 6 times, The first kiss was on the second date. Third date was the first make-up sense, while watching a movie at my place. We saw each other every other night that week, before she left on a business trip. I saw her the night before her trip at her place and barely heard from her while she was gone. I am not in the right place to sleep with her yet, I want to take things slow, but not rush them. I sent 3 messages while she gone. and got only one response. she comes back today. I know she is busy and working hard, but spending a week with someone and then disappearing does not make sense. What should I do? My sister and a few other friends of mine say let her call you, but I am trying to make this work and make sure I don't loose her / mess things up.
Any advise would help.

Jimmy's picture

This is probably *the* best article on Girls Chase. So insightful, and it's so sad that there are guys who will never understand these simple concepts (or who will just deny them, but I blame *them* for *that*).

Timmothy's picture

Chase mate, a lot of solid stuff on this site. Really helpful.
I'd like to share some thoughts and experiences and get your feedback.
I am from Australia and the girls down here are Somewhat different. The whole dating scene is a lot less straight forward. Approaching a girl and getting her number to ask on a date doesn't happen that frequently in the first interaction. What I have observed and has worked for me is you begin the interaction, flirt have a good time, and at some point kiss and exchange numbers.
My problem is the texting and communication that follows, because as I said, girls don't respond as well to the straight up asking on a date.
Do you think that sending them a follow up text is enough? And letting them come to you after that? The essence of my question is, how to set up another casual meet with girls, who maybe favour the less straight up approach and maybe actually enjoy a bit more persistance(I.e a bit of texting)
I'm not sure if you have experienced meeting girls in Australia, but Id love to hear what you think!
Cheers
Tim

Nicolas's picture

Hey Chase,

There's this girl in school, we are in a team for an external project, but not in the same class.
She's a dancer, quiet type, and always in her clique.
It has bothered me how should I start making contact with her in that it wouldn't be obvious for her/her friends to know I'm targeting her?

Thanks Amante!

Nicolas

Sandman's picture

Chase,

Just discovered your site this year and have been flipping through some of the articles which are surprisingly super interesting/helpful!

This summer a girl on my university's volleyball team gave me her number after I had waited on her table. I ended up taking her out to coffee the following week and I thought we had a really good time.....we were laughing and just getting to know each other. We discussed doing it again and I left her a text saying I really enjoyed having coffee with her

Unfortunately, it was the end of the summer and when I asked if she wanted to hang out again, her volleyball pre-season had started and she told me she was doing like 40+ hour/week practices and that she really didn't have time. When I asked if she had half an hour to spare to grab a bite, she sent me another text saying how she would love to get together again and how much she enjoyed having coffee with me, but with volleyball and school that she wrote that, "maybe when the season dies down we can hang again". I know when girls say that they are busy it usually infers a lack of interest, but I mean being a D1 athlete is a full time job

I haven't really messaged her since because I don't want to be that annoying guy who just sends random messages but I'm at a cross roads on how to handle this. Do I forget about her and move on? Do I attend a game with a couple friends and maybe try and restart communication? Should I even consider contacting her when the season ends? And what the hell should I even say to her to restart a conversation?

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase,

Great article, really got through to me, but with the part that you have to move fast to get the girl, I've been friends with this girl for a few years and recently, I realized that I've become crazy about her.

About 5 weeks ago, she came over my place and we just watched a game of football (aka soccer) together before she went off to university for the day. Before she went though, I gave her a necklace I had bought for her as a birthday gift, (her b'day was a few days before then) and she gave me a kiss on the cheek and a big hug and said she wants to hang out more often.

Since then I've talked to her only through Facebook, but she isn't talking to me as much as she use to and I've tried facebook messaging her but it doesn't say 'seen' and I'm not sure what to think of that ... oh and she doesn't have a mobile phone, I know this for fact, so it's not like I can just text or call her directly.

So uhh what the hell am I supposed to think of all this when she says one thing in person, but I'm getting less actual contact from her now. Am I just over-thinking it? I think she might be really pressed with Uni work, cause she has exams in a few weeks. Should I just wait till her exams are done and play it like I didn't notice the attention difference? or should I just throw it on the line and be done with it either way?

Cheers in advance.

Pookie's picture

Hey Chase,
I guess I am the slow one in this case.
One of your comments says:
If a girl likes you, if she has any desire to be with you, it's not going to take a month or more to happen, unless YOU are really slow. And if you are really slow, she'll almost certainly have lost interest by the time you get around to doing what you should've done much earlier on, and she'll be lost (never to return).

Will I have come to realize that it wasn't me being slow it was the situation that was put in front of me.
Here's what happened I work at a store and I run the cash register I would see this gorgeous women from time to time. I would initiate the convo at every opportunity I get with her and she responds back with a smile every time and is very friendly to me. I let this go on for several years to be honest because during those time I knew she was taken. To make it short she was finally single or on and off with her ex boyfriend from what I knew. I decided to leave her alone because I wasn't going to pursue a women who is on and off with her ex boyfriend. Anyways as years pass I decided to ask her out, just to hang out nothing serious and she was shocked when I asked her out at the cash register lol. She replied she would go if she isn't busy tonight. I asked for her number and she replied why don't you give me your's so that way if I was to come out I would call you so I know where to meet you. Will that night she never called. I played it off like it was nothing the following week I saw her and I just spoke to her at my job like nothing happened and she still spoke back to me with no weird reactions or any strange body language to show she is not feeling me or interested. So I waited 2 weeks to ask her out again and lucky enough she came back to the store so I asked her out again this time she said she would "THINK" about it and smiled then walked out the door. I was so dumb founded at first because I actually thought in my mind she was going to blow me off with a rejection and not a word less. So I did the same thing I did before which was to act like everything was normal when I see her again so I let that go for another 2 weeks with out asking her out. Whenever I saw her we would just say Hi and Bye at the store. Reminder I only see her at the store that I work at know where else. I am trying to make this as short as possible but it doesn't seem like it sorry. If your still reading the good part is coming. Ok after 2 weeks (Total 2 months of no Convo taken place) some miracle happens she decides to strike a convo with me out of the blue. We spoke for several minutes before she left the store with a big smile on her face. That really shocked me I thought I had no chance after she said she'd think about it. Then it hit me "What if she really ment that she was thinking about it and not a rejection by being polite that way" I asked myself that and guess what the following week she comes by again I happened to be outside on a smoke break and she again strikes a conversation with me with a sweet smile and at that moment I said to myself I think she is beginning to like me and that's when I decided to ask her out for the 3rd time around and like they say 3 is a charm. We went out 2 days ago and now we are hitting it of pretty well. All in all the pursuing took me about 3 months total to finally get this absolutely beautiful women to go out with me. Don't get me wrong during those 3 months in between I was weighing out other options since this one seemed like a lost cause at first. But yeah we are going to be on a 2nd date sometime next week so there you go guys.

Depending on the situation it might take some time is what I am trying to say.

Good luck to you gentlemen!

Sal's picture

So I meet this girl who works by me on her cigarette break. We talked for a minute but she had to go back. While he left I grabbed her hand and jokingly said "you broke my heart" I wanted to get her number so I came back the next day, she wasnt there, next week she wasnt there. I mist have went back 7 times. And I could never find her there. I know now I should have asked for her number the first time I saw her. But I wasnt quick. So should I keep going back until I find her or move on?

-sal

Nolan1990's picture

I've known a girl for most of my college career that I have always been very connected with. We've been friends for a few years now and have always joked like were the same person... same music, hobbies, interests... it all. We were always friends, but both of us showed interest in one another of the years. Nothing too blatant, but it was obviously there. She has also been obsessed with this guy for most of the time too. Her chasing him is an understatement. Anyways, I dated someone else and she moved away, but I recently texted her and asked her out on a date. I sort of poured my heart out to her, and she did somewhat in return. But she said that she didn't think she could do a long distance thing right now, but she has thought about us so much and thinks it could happen someday. Anyways I was extremely disappointed she didn't jump at the chance. And since then we've texted and talked like normal, but I can't read what she is thinking or wants. Because she also told me that day that she is afraid she could hurt me long distance. I don't know if I should chase her. I don't know what to do. I could see this girl being my soul mate. I have always became attracted fast, and I really want to chase her. I've been doing everything in my power not to though. I just don't know what to do here. I might be seeing her soon, and I'm wondering if I should just lay it all out for her and say I'm not worried about long distance because of how close we are. I don't know. PlEASE any advice would be so hopeful. And I'll answer any questions. This is maddening! I really think she could be the girl of dreams, and I'm wondering if it wasn't the best idea to pour my heart out to her when I asked her out, even though she kinda did too. I wonder if it was just too fast, but I thought it was okay because we're so close!

wesk's picture

Chase, I haven't been able to find many articles on here that talk about a "friends with benefits" relationship. Maybe this isn't much different to you than any sexual relationship.

How would differentiate between a "friends with benefits" relationship and a strictly sexual relationship?

Does "friends with benefits" merely mean longer-termed sexual friends, who share common interests, and enjoy each-others' company in addition to sex, but is still non-emotional?

In order for it work, to stay sexual friends, say between two single coworkers - what would you suggest? In other words, are there any 'special' rules/misc. things to look out for in this type of a situation other than how one handles it with any other girl?

Obviously it's important to still see other women and keep from becoming attached to one another. Have you had much experience with this yourself? Is it an appetite for disaster?

Thanks.

Don Juan's picture

Hey Chase,

I've met this girl in this restaurant, she's a waitress and
we started a conversation, i got her phone number and we were supposed
to meet , she didn't answer to my texts prior to the date and she fluked,
the day after i texted her and she told me that she had a cold,(she finally responded).

Sweet persistence, anyhow, she answered that she had a cold all week
and that with ''the cold'' she won't be able to do much blah blah.

What should i say to that to beat her hesitance and bed her?

Thanks Chase ,

Don Juan

Colin's picture

Great post Chase. I have a question though; in your post about What To Do If A Girl Doesn't Text Back, you say you wait a day or so to text a girl, and if she doesn't reply to that then you wait another two days and ping her again. This strikes me as chasing moreso than persistence. I understand that people have lives and schedules and may not be able to reply to texts, but my instinct has always been that texting someone after they don't reply is chasing (and that if a girl likes you, she WILL reply to your texts). Is texting/calling someone after they fail to reply persistence, or is it signs of giving chase?

For example, I met this girl online last week. I invited her out to dinner and she obliged. Dinner went fine, and she ended up coming back to my place after I invited her. We only made out however because she had to catch her bus home, but she was warm and receptive. When I texted her the next day saying we should meet up again soon, I got no reply. She seemed into me at the dinner, and was carrying the bulk of the conversation while still giving me some amounts of compliance. Did my text infer that I was chasing too much? And should i send another message her way, or forget about her?

Anonymous's picture

Hi
I have been going out with this girl from work.
At firs she was the one to talk firs .
I had noticed her but it pooked very cold and girls like that are hard to read.
In base of your posts I moved things quiqtly and I went in a date with her a couple of times and I told her that I wanted more then friendship with her and asked her if we had a chanse together and she said ok. ( dhe told me shehad just brolen up with a guy when e meet her, dont kniw if its important)We went out fir a coulpe of weeks but we went out inly when a called or texted her,she never texts or calls and this bothers me, when we are together she acts interested and cold at the sqme time, and im in a point where I dont know how to act, at the same time she goes out with avfriend that knew. Long before she meet me and she aleays says she that giy is very funny , bit she always liked sensitive and careing guys, amd she repents on loosing a guy like that once.
And I have a feeling she likes him but I dont think there is something between them.
I would like an honest opinion , im I being played here for a fool, for the moment im thinking of never calling her any more and end things with her just for the satisfation of not letting her do that to me first.
I really would like an honest opinion on how to proceed.
I thank you in advance for your opinion, love your articeles, jelped me a lott

TBone2.0's picture

Hi Chase.
So long story short met a girl online who actually works for the same company I do. She told me on our date that she wasn't going to date me, but got some good mention from another fellow employee. We texted very hot for 2 weeks before I helped her with work on a Saturday... And took her out for a big pre planned date on the Monday. Monday was flawless and she came home with me, bedded her and spent half the next day together. She was still hot for me all week, but then I got a little smotherish wanting to see her. I corrected this, but also confessed I was a bit insecure about my social abilities... Not with women in particular but all around.

She then shut right down on me. After a cold shoulder at work about a 5 days later I called and left a clear concise message straightening the issue out an she started texting me again a day later, but no phone call. After that I only tried to arrange a meeting with her once, to no recognition.

I've simply continued with very infrequent banter and jokes which worked so well initially and I only text after if she texts back. She does, but only very little. She's cooled right off on me clearly... My question is... If I'm not calling or texting with frequent demands on her time...Is it still chasing. I realize now that after the phone call and her not reciprocating a phone call back... I should've distanced myself to show her that her non communication was not to my liking. Cause yea, I'm in this for me... Not just her. For a brief time each week I have to text her for work... So this is where I've integrated some of the jokes and banter... Otherwise I've simply tried to pick my spots and give her space.

Do I force my hand with a meeting to communicate with her my displeasure with the situation and make it clear get in or get out? Our paths don't cross much at work... But it is still a factor. Since her shutting down on me I have found spending time on several other girls and hobbies helpful in my ability to let go more and get my thoughts off her. I have had a pattern like this in the past. This time I'm trying to really learn from it.

Thanks

Lostguy's picture

Hi Chase,

First of all thank you for all your articles, they've been of great help, pity I didn't discover it sooner!

So here is my story: I met a girl at a party and it all happened really fast. I started picking up her signals and led her through almost all the night. It all happened really fast and naturally (i spoke to her about her goals and emotions and led her taking her hand through the crowd a couple of times, it usually doesn't happen like that as i'm a little bit shy). So at the end of the party we agreed on going for a walk and we made out for an hour or so and then said goodbye. I beat myself up for not asking for her number but i finally got it from a friend and we started texting. Everything went great with the texting and 2 months later i saw her again(she lives in another city). It was hard to convince her to meet with me but i persisted and finally managed to set up a date with her, which was fun and really romantic(we kissed and touched each other all the time).

We kept on texting and talking on the phone almost every week and i got really attached emotionally to her. The texting was flirtatious and usually charged with sexual tension. So 3 months after, i went to her city but i was only staying for 2 nights. I sent her a text that i was going to be there and that we should meet up. She agreed on calling me(happy smiley included) but she never did. Then i texted her the next night to go for a walk with me but she answered me back she was really tired and asked me until when i was staying. I answered back that never mind, maybe another time.

I was kind of pissed because of this and because she didn't call me when she said she was going to, so when i was back in my city i sent her a couple of texts to let her see my disappointment, to which, she answered though. The next texts i let go of my hard feelings about her and talked about casual stuff, but she never answered back, what happened? Have i been chasing? Should i keep persisting? It's been almost one month since we had our last interaction, and i was thinking about calling her.

Sorry for the length of comment, thank you again for all your knowledge!

Cheers.

Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase this is a really great article. I'm going through something similar. Unfortunately, my social reflexes are very slow and I've never been able to pick up on signals from girls in time. I've known her for about a year now. We used to hangout and I never really noticed her, but she would always be asking me about myself. More recently I realized I liked her. Right away I asked her if she wanted to see a free concert in NYC over facebook, maybe not the best idea. Though ever since then we started to get much closer. She would laugh like an idiot at unfunny things I said. Eventually I told this girl I liked her and she said she didn't feel the same. She is an incredibly sweet girl and would never hurt someone if she didn't have to. I took the rejection very well, and told her I really didn't want her to feel guilty and that I harbored no resentment. I tried to talk to her a couple of times just to be friendly and she would have none of it. I thought to myself maybe she is just uncomfortable and doesn't want to lead me on. We were still on each others snapchat lists and I'd get a snapchat from her every two weeks or so and she'd get one from me a little less often cause I don't send them too often. Then out of nowhere she decides to block me. I have no idea what to make of it so I just started to ignore her because I thought it was what she wanted. Since then it has happened twice that she will be walking in front of me and stop while I pass by. The first time she clearly saw me and obstructed my path completely so that I had to say excuse me to get by. The second time she didn`t even stop. She walked in a circle for no reason and then walked right in front of me up the stairs and exaggerated her hip swing like crazy to make me notice her. I believe that my attention to her has been infrequent enough that she has not become too desensitized to it and still craves the dopamine and endorphins I give her. I really want to see her happy and I would love to tell her how pretty I think she looks if she isn't seeing herself in the right light. How often should I do this so that she always wants more? If I am like a drug to her, that she is willing to go out of her way for, do I have a chance of getting her to let me use her drugs in exchange for mine??

Anonymous's picture

Hey,

Seems you give really good feed back and I would love to get your opinion on this. I have a girl that Ive known for almost two years. She lives in another city and we talk off and on but when we do the room lights up. I honestly feel that I want to be with her for a long time but Im not sure how to proceed. I feel I need to go to her and tell her I want to be with her. But Im not entirely sure how to do that. Or whether she wants the same things. I feel when she text me she does by the small little cute gestures and comments she says towards me like "I miss you", "The weekend we actually had all to ourselves was the best couple days of my life". She says things like that but then doesn't text for a while. Maybe shes scared to commit to something that may be long distance. I am willing to move and relocate my life for her. (Shes that kind of girl) But before doing that I need to know that I am doing this for the right reasons and not just out of selfish want. I dont' know what words to use or how to talk to her about it. I am not overwhelming to her about it I just don't know what to do. I love your posts they are really helpful just wondered if you could give me some help.

Micky88's picture

Chase,

First off - just to say I love the blog, really interesting stuff!

Would really appreciate your help with a situation I'm currently in - I'll try keep it as brief as possible:

I started courting a girl I really like a few months ago - she had a bf at the time which i knew was on the rocks so I played it very cool, didn't put any pressure on her but within a few weeks it was clear she had strong feelings and we were getting closer and closer. I.e., a lot of meeting when out, cuddling etc. Although normarily I wouldn't see this as positive, e.g., no sexual relations and very slow build up - she had a bf this whole time so I knew I was in the long game, and figured I would completely blow any chances of something longer term if I was the guy who made her cheat on her bf. So in the end she broke up with her bf and I was one of the first to know and we went on a date a week later. It went really well, we had a great time and some intense kissing was had in the end. This was just over a month ago and since then we've been on 3 dates along with numerous encounters while out in bars/clubs.

My whole issue currently is this - last week we went on a really great romantic date (Wednesday), followed by a great night in the bedroom. I sensed the next morning that she was a bit awkward, but put this down to guilty feelings for her ex potentially. So I cooled off a bit to give her some space and that evening and Friday we were texting a lot, she was very keen, organising the next date etc. So I thought, ok this is where I want to be - then without any change in my behaviour at all, she suddenly almost cut contact all weekend, and was again awkward and cold on Monday when texting. She then cancelled a date planned for last night, but did say we should re-schedule for next week, and I know I will be seeing her this Sat as we are both going to the same party. She also knows this.

So my question and what I can't figure out is this:

- Why has she suddenly flipped to an ice queen?
- Is it due to guilt about ex?
- Is she afraid of falling into another relationship after just finishing up a 4+ year one?
- Could she possibly have all of a sudden inexplicably lost all interest?
- Have I done something wrong I've missed?
- Next steps - what the hell do I do?? ( Currently I'm going with the approach of not contacting her unless she texts me, then be nice and funny as if nothing is up - figure I should give her some space to decide on what she wants?)

Extra points:
- Is my current approach correct?
- I know she's meeting her ex tonight/tomorrow night as it's his birthday and they always go out for dinner on it - should I be especially worried about this and if so what should my approach be - A)nothing, B)Small, funny text, C)Other?

Thanks for any help you can offer, as you can imagine my head is completely messed up by the situation as something has happened which I don;t know about - but if there's any hope of salvaging I think I need to make sure my next move is the right one!

Anonymous's picture

Dear Chase,

This is an excellent article. It describes that chasing a girl who doesn't like you it's just of wasting time. Hence, could you please advice me on this following issue. Well, recently I've met very attractive and smart girl on fb and we started texting eachother. It turns out that we have much in common in terms of music, movies etc..( btw, astrologically, we are both cancers). However, she studies a lot, and I've asked her when you study do you socialize with people or you hanging out with you books 24/7? She said: are you, indirectly, asking me on a date? Of course I have time but unfortunately very limited. Because, I perceived her answer as a go sign and I've as her out on casual drink and of course she rejected me saying she was too busy with exams.i realize that I've made a huge mistake because I should've never asked her on date, cause she was in fact testing me and I've came out as retarded and coming on too strong guy. I know that there is no turning back after this, I fucked up everything asking her too soon, because we've been talking only for a week or something. However, I've waited several days, and text her did she got a good rest this weekend, she responded without asking me jack sheet and additionally she said I've fell a sleep when I wrote the last message. WTF?! In other words, she is telling me that I'm boring...due to her last stupid message i didn't texted her anything for four days.
Overall, should I ignore her until she approach me first and forget about her completely? She seemed interested but her last messages were really ridiculous and I've obviously misjudged her and wasted my time talking with her cause she never initiates a conversation.
Your advice will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you!

Darc's picture

Chase,

I have started reading posts on this site and it has opened my eyes. One of my problems was I was chasing this girl for way, way too long. I realize so many truths from this article in particular. The reason I kept chasing was I screwed up in the beginning and I wanted to fix it. The sad part is I wasted so much time and got nowhere but now I can use my time meeting new women and getting it right when it counts. Thank you for your help. I couldn't have figured this out on my own

Michael M's picture

Hi Chase! New reader here. Love your blog! This post is fantastic and gave alot of valuable insight into a few important issues with chasing vs persisting.

I am curious of your take on girls who play aloof AFTER sex with them, especially if your primary mode of communication is over text.

I have a situation where I slept with a new girl a few times. Started around a month ago. I escalated fast, we hooked up by 2nd meet, and seen a few times since. Sex was good. I had no intentions to go exclusive, as I was seeing other girls (and think she knew). But I deifnitely gave her more time and attention than the others, which was my first mistake.

She once asked what I would do if she 'disappeared'. She asked this by the first encounter. I didn't think much of it. Then it happened.

Our last encounter could be considered a 'failed mating because she stopped in the middle of sex and said I was too rough and hurt her... I stopped and was left pretty frustrated, but before she left she tells me she was raped when she was young and maybe that's why.

We texted a few times after but then she ignored a few texts I sent after that for almost a week. I will admit, it worked on definitely getting me to invest a shit ton more (except it went to the extreme that it got me starting to be resentful of her) I believe she has some other guys in the picture too. I was seeing other new girls in this time so it wasn't too bad but I will be lying to say I didn't find myself increasingly thinking about her. Was kinda messed up LOL

So eventually, I just msged her and cut her off. 'Hey looks like this isn't working for either of us, so good luck finding what you're looking for."

Then a few days ago she sent me these messages:

"I miss you but I tried to deny it"
"I can't give you what normal girls can give"
"I hope everything will be ok"
"I'm just trying to cover my heart"
"So sad I"m still thinking about you :)"

I ignored her for a couple days. She texted again, and I got horny one afternoon and wrote back something lame like 'no need to be sad / how've you been / what are you doing later'. I know the messages suck, and now I wish I put more thought into it.... she's doing the ignoring thing again and it's been a few days and now I'm just annoyed.

Now I'm wondering if ignoring would be the best strategy right now or if I can be more 'persistent' or maybe even call her out on her behavior like

'Did you write me all that shit just to bait me to reply? If that's what you mean by being not normal, yeah and I think it's best we no longer see each other until you get your issues sorted.'

Would love your take on this and thanks again for a great blog.

Anonymous's picture

Hello, everything in your article apples to my situation. Me and another girl texted and skyped for around 4 months. We were far apart geographically, and when we finally met she broke it off 2 days later. She seemed so desperate and almost like a slut. I sounded all desperate after she said she's not my type, Like we can make it work and all the shit. I need to become more confident as well but I thought thats what she wanted, I thought she was tired of being the slut and wanted someone to love her. Is there still a second chance when down the road i become more confident I can get her back?

Anonymous's picture

I've honestly done all these mistakes before and even almost got into a depression because of it, it really gets to us men but this time around I can put a finger on what it went wrong and even name these feelings. Persist and chase are different and one is healthier than the other. Now I know, this was way too informative and even life changing post! I'll never repeat these mistakes again because thanks to this post, I can recognize them! THANK YOU!

Luke TL's picture

Okay so my best girlfriend is this girl I've known for eight years. In December we dated and she really liked me. It was my first serious relationship because I am in high school. At the end of January we broke up. It was my first relationship and I didn't know what to do. I may have came on to strong. I have made a point that I still liked her. The end of the year dance came along and I asked her and she said yes as a friend. On the last day of school, I was talking to my friends about her, and they made a joke saying that they made out with her. I knew it wasn't true but I was curious if she had done that before. So I asked her and she got all defensive and asked why I wanted to know. She was able to figure out that I still liked her. I said yes and she told me that she is just not ready for a relationship. She said that we should make out at the end of the summer though. I was away for the first week of summer so she called me and texted me a lot. Then I got back and we started hanging out almost every day. I eventually asked her out on a date and she said yes. A few days later I told her that I loved her and she said that she loved me too (as a friend I assume). We haven't been able to go on a date yet cause we have both been very busy at night so we just figured to wait until we both have a free Saturday and Sunday night. She told me yesterday that if I really wanted her I would have to be more romantic and really try to chase after her (like in the movies and stuff) She wants it to be something almost perfect. What does this mean? What should I do? I really want to be with her.

Anonymous's picture

Chase why are there so many stories of a guy persisting and persisting In the midst of obvious rejection and then finally getting the girl. In my personal life, one of my employees chased a girl for 2 years before she finally gave him a chance and then fell head over heals for him. Another, instance, a very confident and successful man named grant Cardone called his now wife twice a month for an entire year until he got his now wife to go out with him. If you search on google, "does persistence work with women, so many stories come up with the guy who persisted and finally got the girl. How do you reconcile your belief in not chasing with these countless stories.

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