Mixed Signals from a Girl: What These Mean

mixed signalsToday I want to talk about a strange and confusing topic for a lot of guys - namely, getting mixed signals from a girl.

You know what mixed signals are: one moment, she's flirty and warm with you, and you get excited, thinking you're getting somewhere with her. The next moment, she's cool and aloof - and you're really not sure what happened.

Then, out of nowhere - BAM! You're back get warm, flirty behavior from her.

So does that mean she likes you, or does that mean she doesn't?

mixed signals

In "How Girls Show Interest," we discussed one of the causes of mixed signals from girls - women's need to often couch their interest in aloofness or disinterest so as not to risk their images or ego by putting themselves out there too far and not getting the response they were looking for.

Because the fact remains that - in spite of the occasional commenter or two on here lamenting, "Why can't women just come up to us guys and ask us out?" - men do the approaching and the asking out, while women do the waiting and the weighing of those choices among men who've asked them out. These roles in the initial approach to mating mirror the final roles in the bedroom - men aggress, women receive.

There are a few other reasons why a girl will send you mixed messages, however; the complete list is this:

  1. She's deliberately not sticking her neck out too far - in case you don't bite

  2. She's just naturally a flirtatious girl and likes flirting and/or she's leading you on to capture your interest and keep you around her

  3. She's legitimately switching her mind like crazy - one minute into you, the next minute not

Here's quick one-over of each of these potential reasons for this behavior from her.

#1: She's Protecting Her Neck

You know, of course, how embarrassing it can be as a man to go up and have a girl reject you after you try and fail to get her on a date. Most girls will try to be nice, or give you a "maybe" as a way of letting you down easy without a flat-out rejection - they know it's tough, and really don't want to make you feel bad.

Well, as hard as it is for men to be rejected by women, it's even harder for women being rejected by men.

Men have fairly widely-known lower standards than women. It isn't true for all men, and it isn't true for all women, but if you ask the average woman what she looks for in a man, you'll get something like this back:

  • Handsome
  • Charming
  • Sociable
  • Outgoing
  • Good in bed
  • Makes me feel good
  • My friends like him
  • Smart
  • Good sense of humor
  • Good job
  • Makes good money
  • Affectionate
  • Cares about me
  • Romantic
  • Sexy

Meanwhile, if you ask the average man what he looks for in a woman, you'll get something like this back:

  • Long hair
  • Not too fat
  • Hasn't hit menopause yet

... and even some of those might be open to negotiation.

This has two effects on women:

  1. It makes the average woman bolder than the average man, at least in terms of flirtation - she knows a man won't reject her or call her out on pure flirtation

  2. It makes the average woman more timid than the average man in terms of approaching and asking out - while her odds of rejection are lower, women also tend to experience that a rejection stings a great deal

There's another reason women who like you won't be very aggressive with their signals much of the time, too: the majority of men are more attracted to women they need to chase than women who chase them.

People want what they can't have, and most men simply value women they need to pursue and spend time on and obsess over late at night more highly than women they don't. Women know this - if they haven't experienced it themselves firsthand, they've heard about it from girlfriends or read it in women's magazines and advice columns.

For all those reasons, most women will never aggressively pursue you - instead, they'll just ping you here and there with some mixed signals, that perhaps they think are clear enough for you to pick up the hint and take action... if you're so inclined, that is.

#2: She's a Big Flirt (and Likes Men Around Her)

mixed signalsAll women like having men around them who are interested in them and chasing and pursuing them. As a man, wouldn't it feel good to have lots of (attractive) women chasing you and texting you and flirting with you and trying to spend time with you? Same deal for women.

Some women prefer this more than others, though. While some women really just want to find one guy and attach themselves to him and have it be just the two of them for all eternity, there are other women who enjoy having their cadre of adoring fans orbiting around them, sending them text messages and calls and date invitations and presents and jokes and everything sweet and nice and flirty and fun imaginable.

Typically, girls who are big flirts will only do just enough necessary to keep a particular man in pursuit. They tend to have good, well-honed instincts for how much they need to give a guy to keep him coming after them - the mirror of what we discussed in "Get Girls Chasing: Give a Little to Get a Lot."

You can identify a girl who's a big flirt by the facts that she:

  • Always has plenty of male attention

  • Never gets angry at your or ever seems to be emotionally affected by you

  • Is very good at making you feel like she might want you, without anything tangible ever happening between the two of you

To her, it's all a game. She either enjoys flirting with men and the attention they give her a lot, she likes having men around her (for emotional validation or for the feelings of security this gives), or both.

Worth pointing out for the newer guys: women aren't doing this to spite you. They also don't see this behavior as "harmful" or "bad" - i.e., they don't see themselves as distractions to you finding a "real" woman who's actually into you, anymore than men dating women they aren't serious about view themselves as distractions to those women trying to find "real" men to settle down with.

They're simply doing it because it's fun, it feels good, and they assume because you are being so warm and friendly and nice back, you must enjoy it too.

When I was relatively young and still inexperienced with girls, I blew up at a girl for "playing games" like this with me. I wasn't the only guy she did it with - she was doing it with lots of them. But they were never going to blow up at her, just keep being nice and hoping she'd throw them a bone. I realized she was toying with me, and I got nasty. I ended up apologizing for the emotional venting - she wasn't being malicious, she was just following her programming - and I cut her off after that. I'd run into her from time to time thereafter, and she'd always be conciliatory and ask how I was doing and tell me she was single now and tell me I could call her sometime and things like that - I'd laugh and say thanks, but better if I don't. I don't think she had any idea she affected me (or any other guy) that much until that incident.

A girl who's a big flirt is a big flirt because the feedback she gets from men is positive. Just like what a lot of guys new to meeting women end up doing when they pursue reactions over results - someone does something, gets a good response, and does more of it.

#3: She Legitimately Can't Make Up Her Mind

Not all mixed signals are women being coy or women being flirts. Sometimes a girl really cannot decide if she likes you or not, and she keeps changing her mind.

This is most likely to happen when you're still newer and less experienced, and she is as well. Many newer guys move slow with girls, miss escalation windows, and let attraction expire, and then go work their tails off to try and win back what they've lost. This leads to all manner of emotional ups and downs for both themselves and the objects of their affection as things seem like they're going to happen, then don't, then do again.

As women become more experienced with men and dating, they tend to figure out that the guys who don't move fast and don't aggressively go after what they want are just inexperienced with women and haven't really figured out what they're doing yet. So, you won't usually see women past 27 or 28 flipping out and going crazy one way or the other about a guy.

The younger you get though, the more you can see this frustrated flipping... where one moment she's flirting, the next minute she's cold, and the minute after that she's flirting again.

How can you tell the difference between a girl who can't make up her mind and a girl who's interested but protecting her neck? Simple:

  • The girl who's being guarded about her interest won't go cold on you... she'll just act a little aloof. The girl who's repeatedly changing her mind will sway from hot and bothered over you to cold and deep into auto-rejection over you to (sometimes) hot and bothered over you all over again

  • The girl who's being guarded is generally sexier and more subtle. The girl who can't make up her mind will often have bursts of showing you lots of blatant interest followed by bursts of blatant coldness and disinterest

  • The girl who's being guarded will be receptive when you try to move things forward; meanwhile, the girl who can't make up her mind will usually agree, then disagree, then perhaps later agree again, or vice versa

The important thing to remember here is that most of the time when a girl's acting like her decision making has gone spastic it's coming as a response to how she's perceived your actions and intentions toward her - she thought you liked her, then thought you didn't, then thought too bad, you moved too slow, then thought, well, maybe I do like him, then wrote you off again for not taking action... and so on and so forth.

mixed signals

It's a frustrating thing to be on the receiving end of a girl's mixed signals. Fortunately, carving through these is easy enough - provided you're taking the steps necessary to move things forward.

That means pushing ahead for investment, getting girls contributing, and continually escalating an interaction.

If you aren't doing - or aren't willing to be doing - the step-taking you need to be to find out if you've got a girl who's legitimately interested in you or who's just playing the flirting game, though... well, those mixed messages may last just about forever.

The Easy-as-Pie Solution to Mixed Signals

... is taking action and following your process, of course.

There's no verbal jujitsu required here. No social acrobatics. No under-the-radar maneuvering and positioning.

Just plain old fashioned no-nonsense moving things forward and seeing if she goes with you... and that's it.

How's that solve the problem of mixed signals? By making your intentions clear as day, and by telling girls loudly and clearly that it's put up or shut up time.

Mixed signals only work with you - or are a problem for you - when you're moving too slow and when you aren't actually doing anything with a girl.

Sure, you'll occasionally get mixed messages from a girl you've traded numbers with. She's available, then she isn't; she sets up a date with you, then she flakes on that date.

Even with girls like that though, the solution is pushing things forward.

Taking the next step forward works for all three categories of crossed wires:

  1. If she's genuinely interested in you and simply showing her interest without sticking her neck out too far, she'll be glad you started moving things ahead

  2. If she's a big flirt and a tease and really only wanted to have you around in her friend zone or as a backup plan, you'll screen her out fast by trying to move things forward - you will be, essentially, calling her bluff - you push for progress, and she has no option but to refuse to give it to you if she isn't truly interested

  3. If she honestly can't make up her mind, moving things forward forces her to do so - either she chooses to move forward with you, or she jumps ship

I'm aware sometimes you'll find a guy who "doesn't want to risk losing her" by taking action, and he'd rather wait for "the right moment." If you have any thoughts rolling around your head like that, make sure you read this article first: "How to Get Girls: The Last Post You'll Ever Need."

Tools for Moving Things Forward

So what are your main options for making headway - or at least figuring out if she's actually interested or she's just a big flirt - with a girl you think is into you, maybe, but who never does anything with you?

They're this:

That's it. Three steps... and three steps alone.

You'll notice that:

... are not on the list.

Why not? Because while all of them are necessary steps most of the time in any given seduction, they are not ways of moving things decidedly forward.

They aren't milestones. They aren't accomplishments of any kind. And they don't make her decide to go along with you and proceed down the road toward becoming your lover or girlfriend. Rather, they're the same things she does with every other guy she never goes to bed with or has anything meaningful with.

If you want headway with a girl, you must get investment, ask her out, and bed her. Once you've reached one of the first two plateaus, congratulate yourself, then immediately get to work on making the next one happen very soon - the clock is always ticking.

Nailing Down Slippery Women

mixed signalsIf the girl sending you mixed signals is in Category 1 - she's genuinely interested in you, and just playing a little coy - you won't have to worry too much about "figuring her out," because as soon as you start taking steps to progress your relationship with her, she'll come right along with you.

If, however, she's in categories two or three - she's more in love with flirting than she is with you, say, or she can't make up her mind whether she wants something with you or not - she's going to slip and slide around and deflect your efforts to escalate things.

What that looks like is this: you'll try to get investment from her, and she'll deftly outmaneuver you.

You'll try to ask her out, and she'll never quite be available.

You'll try to take her home, and some last minute excuse will come up every time.

Even if she likes you, she has competing objectives - she may be somewhat attracted to you, but also value you as a friend, say, or not want to risk any rumors spreading in school or at work. Or, she might like you a little bit, but she also likes the attention you give her, and she doesn't want to risk trading one for the other.

Now, what normally happens here is that the guy on the receiving end of mixed signals will hem and haw and make excuses for her. "Well, I can see that she'd be busy," he might say, or, "That was kind of an awkward way I asked her out - she'd probably be more open to going out with me if I came in more smooth."

If you catch yourself doing this, it means you're being out-gamed; she's more experienced at dating than you are, and she's giving you pause (the better you get, the more you give pause to girls rather than them give pause to you - in the mating dance, one person is usually more certain and in charge than the other, while the other is more confused and thoughtful and reflective).

Instead, you want to be the one giving her pause.

That means you:

  • Call her out on her deflections and refuse to let her give a non-answer
  • Work on nailing things down to the point where you get a solid "yes" or "no"
  • Insist on compliance until you get it or it blows up in your face

Caveat: most women won't like being forced to be totally honest about their intentions and getting called out on their game. For this reason, it's usually better to avoid nailing down women at work, in school, or in your close social circle. In these cases, if a girl continually slips away from you, it's better just to chalk her up as a loss and move on.

However... if you're free of social consequences from calling women out on slipperiness... I recommend you try nailing them down (as smoothly and socially graciously as possible).

Here's an example of how this'd go, with a girl who's always been flirty with you but noncommittal:

You: Natalie, what say we grab a coffee or an ice cream this week or next?

Her: Oh, thanks for the invite! I'm not sure what my schedule looks like... let me let you know.

Already from the tone you probably ought to realize this girl is less than thrilled you asked. It may be she liked things just the way they were, if she knows you socially, or she simply isn't feeling it with you.

The next time you see her, assuming she never gets back to you on coffee/ice cream:

You: How're this week's adventures coming along, miss?

Her: Huh? Oh, really good! How's everything with you?

You: Peachy as always. I'm grabbing brunch at the Waffle House in about 20 minutes - it'd be delightful if you came along.

Here, you don't press her about the same date - the assumption is, if she was really interested in coffee or ice cream she would've gotten back to you.

If you press about coffee or ice cream again, you look socially awkward - here's a guy who "doesn't get it."

So you change something - she either doesn't like coffee/ice cream, or she doesn't like you. You assume she's fine with you and it's the date she doesn't like - so you change that and ask again.

Every time you ask, she's either going to be more likely to say "yes" if she likes you, or she's going to get more uncomfortable with being asked if she doesn't.

Are you fine with making women who flirt with you but don't actually have any romantic/sexual interest in you uncomfortable for the sake of finding the women who flirt with you and who do have romantic/sexual interest in you? I know I am.

At some point, if you keep getting deflections, you can write a woman off as not "serious," and move on. For me, this is generally between two and three deflections - but I've had women tell me stories about men they worked with or went to school with that they initially had no interest in and only ended up dating after the guy asked them out 10 or 12 times. So, anecdotally at least, it does seem to be possible to "wear girls down," at least some of the time... but you've got to actually be asking them out when you to do this.

You won't make headway by sitting around hoping and praying and waiting for "the right moment," because chances are that moment will never come - and even if it does, you'll have built it up so much by that point that it'll fly right by without you ever doing anything about it.

If you work to nail things down with a slippery woman and she evades you enough times that you're convinced she isn't interested, it's at your discretion whether you'd like to continue flirting and bantering with her or not. If you do, do it just for the fun of it - not because you think it's getting you somewhere with her (it isn't; she's a pro at this).

Fun with Mixed Signals

Once I had enough confidence and experience with women that I was accustomed to acting quickly on signs of interest, my own dynamic with women giving mixed signals changed quite dramatically.

I stopped worrying about mixed signals altogether, really, because as soon as I'd get any kind of signal from a girl, I'd pounce. (I'll stop and stress here that this "pouncing" is done in a smooth, suave, charming, attractive way - it's not me jerking my head around suddenly and saying, "Oh - you wanna go out?")

What happened was, I started getting two very distinct kinds of reactions:

  1. Women who were absolutely delighted I picked up on their signals and took action, and

  2. Women who were stunned and awkward that I did

It took me a few months to figure out what was causing the different reactions, but I soon did: the girls who actually liked me were refreshed to find a man who, for once, noticed and acted on their signals of interest... meanwhile, the women who just wanted to flirt for flirting's sake and get a little male attention were taken aback to find themselves confronted with a man who would seize on those signals and push things assertively forward.

The girls who liked me were thrilled... and the ones who just wanted another male attention giver were dismayed.

I haven't worried about mixed signals for years because of this. As soon as I get any kind of signal, the girl and I are either instantly working on being together, or she's called on her bluff and goes into retreat. (You'll sometimes get women you've called a bluff on retreating, then coming back to you later in a more submissive way - sometimes still trying to have you as a friend, sometimes now wanting you as a lover - my recommendation is proceeding the same as before: move things forward and see if she'll go with you)

If you really want to put some delight on the faces of the women who are interested in you, try taking strong action as a response to any mixed signal situations you encounter - the women who aren't receptive you'll quickly forget, but the women who are you'll have some amazing experiences with that you may never have had otherwise.


Related Articles from GirlsChase.com


digitalstef's picture

Hey Chase, why not adding moving to the newbie assignment on the board since you have broken the steps down so simply on here that include that investment. While in the newbie assignment it stops at just verbal investments.

Chase Amante's picture



That's a good recommendation - you're right. I wanted to add in direct openers to that too - I realized I didn't include them, but they're powerful to learn, and it's good if guys can get going on them early. Both of those are very worth having there.

I'll make those updates.


Flames-1's picture

I can't help feeling you wrote this with me in mind aka my latest 'challenge' (though probably more to myself than anything else) which I've put in my forum journal.

I think the main problem for me is that because I like the girl in the first place it set me back emotionally in that I started to get AA, had to work past that (and did) which probably didn't do me any favours. My biggest road block now is that I've run out of game I'm raw and exposed and although I go away and know what/how to do something when I'm around her it all goes south.

Like the other day we were having such a good laugh that really if I have said 'hey, give me your no. We don't do this often enough" then I'm fairly sure she' have gone for it, and if she didn't it wouldn't have mattered because we were both on a high point. I can more or less understand her being cold after that, but again it doesn't really make much difference long term. If it was anyone else shed have auto rejected by now, she doesn't seem to want to do that and that make me doubtful... And so on... And so on.

If you put this in contrast with girls who 'grow on me' over time I'm fine, there's never a point of doubt and I can just go for it fairly quickly.

Oh and as for being fussy I only like 3 things Alive, Female and human and I'm prepared to drop 1 of the 3 ;)


Chase Amante's picture



I started writing it as a response to part of a guy's comment on the forum join bonus thread from last September or October or whenever that was - there was a guy who asked about mixed signals, although I already quoted his comment in another post - but as I was getting into it, yeah, i started thinking about your situation too. I especially threw the caveat about not burning things to the ground in a social circle / office environment in because of that - didn't want to think about guys parading around being assholes at work and having all their female workmates hating them for not letting them just flirt for fun.

When you get in complicated situations where you've known the girl for a while, there's always a mix of attraction and hesitation - she thinks she might like to, but there's also a lot to lose. The longer you know her, the stickier it gets... I guess that's why God made alcohol.


Anonymous's picture

Girl with a 1-2 year boyfriend- if she is out there sending mixed signals, should I place her into the first category of not sticking her neck out too far? There is a girl that I like and I know she likes me. We had lunch once in-between classes and then scheduled a time to "study" at her apartment. We ended up having an amazing deep diving conversation for 3 hours but unfortunately her flatmates were all around which (and they know her boyfriend well) so that tanked the realistic possibility of getting making a move.

A week later and it has been difficult to set up another meet up with her. Asked her when she was free- she responded with "Hey! I actually am home until Thursday to hang out with my sister and I won't be coming back to campus until Thursday." Then I responded about 5 hours later: "Why don't we get together on Thursday after our test? We can grab a quick bite out." Her response: "After two final exams I'll only have the energy to sleep I would imagine." She's being non-committal but still responding. Wise to persist once more and be like: "You can catch up on your sleep over spring break. There's something I want to show you, (name)!"

Thoughts would be helpful here. Cheers!

Chase Amante's picture



Deep diving can be a little bit like kissing in that if you do it without closing things out very soon after, the girl ends up walking away feeling vaguely let down... there was a big emotional build up, but no real satisfaction. Thinking about spending time with you feels like a lot of wind-up without the payoff. For this reason, it's usually better to keep the deep diving fairly light prior to getting her out on a date where the endgame is getting her home - i.e., you can get a little into some real conversation in the process of getting her number, but, much like kissing and pulling away, you want to leave her wanting more - a lot more.

What you're getting now sounds like the wind-down following the build up. She felt like she had a connection there, so she'd feel bad about just disappearing outright - but something about seeing you again feels demotivating, and she isn't sure what, so she just isn't excited about the idea of it.

Another note: when a girl says, "I'm coming back X day," generally assume she'll be busy settling back in and seeing close friends and relaxing from travel and taking the day off, and just ask her when she'll be settled in and down to grab a bite after that.

Your likeliest bet with this girl is, because she's feeling enervated thinking about talking with you (keep in mind that when you're deep diving, it's actually pretty easy for you - you're just chilling out and asking some questions - but it's a LOT of investment for her - she's working very hard doing a lot of thinking and answering and positioning of herself... if there isn't a commensurate payoff you get a feeling of tons of work for little pay anchored to you), if you call her and are very HIGH energy, you can reset some of that balance. She may not come out with you right after finals, but you'll leave her with a positive impression of you to carry through spring break and make it much easier to reconnect after.

That'd be a call you make where you launch into talking to her (or leaving a voicemail, if she doesn't answer) along the lines of, "Victoria! It's Anon. Obviously you never saw James Bond Die Another Day - plenty of time to sleep when you're dead! Anyway, that sounds like the most boring way to celebrate being done with midterms ever, but I understand if you're a good student and you're spending every waking moment prior to your tests hitting the books. You're a far better pupil than I am. Anyway, I'll probably be partying up to commemorate the end of what little studying I'll be doing - but let's reconnect after break. Sound good? I'll talk to you!" (that'd be a voicemail - break it up and make it more conversational if she answers, of course)

What you're doing in that message is a) calling out her plans as boring (i.e., you know it's a BS excuse and she won't actually be doing that, so you're panning the idea, humorously), b) exaggerating how hard she must be working to communicate you don't believe her (i.e., you know she isn't really studying THAT much, so you exaggerate it absurdly), and c) that you're a calm, chill, energy-giving guy who isn't swayed by her hemming and hawing. Gives you the best shot at actually getting her out again later since she's a probable "no" for now.


Anonymous's picture

First of all, I wanted to tell you that since I started reading your blog, I improved with women tremendously (pretty much from being a virgin to sleeping with a different woman every week! Though I can't seem to get the REALLY hot girls, just girls that are cute..), You have some really insightful stuff here and I'm lucky to come across your blog...

Now to my question, there's this model girl I'm pursuing whose been giving me mixed signals for a while now( from the 3 types of girls you've listed she's likely #2- "The flirt"), I know her through a mutual friend from university, and when we're hanging out together she's really warm and flirty with me, I tried to get her out alone but when I do that she keeps making excuses that she can't and seems to politely blow me off..

Now to my question..
Would you recommend to just chalk it up as a loss or try calling her out? and if I call her out, how do I do that exactly?

Best Regards,

Chase Amante's picture



Something fun you can try before writing her off completely as nothing more than a flirt.

The next time you're with her and she's being flirty, wait until the two of you have a really good vibe and she says or does something very warm / very flirty to you. At that moment, spring up out of your seat as if reacting to her advances, and say, "You know what, come on!" and hold out on your hands for her to take. She'll be surprised, but still in a good mood, and say, "Uh, what?" with a bit of a smile still on her face (still laughing a bit too if she was laughing). And you'll just very energetically and enthusiastically say, "It's a secret, just give me your hands and come on!" Then take her hands and lead her somewhere private and make a move on her and see what she does.

If you properly capitalize on a high point, you can probably at least escalate to a quick kiss, then pull back first and be completely in charge - you can blame it on her: "Look what you made me do! I was just trying to enjoy myself at a party, and now here we are."

If you can escalate up to a kiss, it'll be important to not push much further unless you can stay completely in control. If you kiss her, end it first, then take her back out into the gathering and go back to normal conversation and end the night normally, you'll have broken through a barrier she has and set her mind to work trying to figure out what the deal is with you and accept the new paradigm of you as an intriguing romantic interest.


Zac's picture

Hey Chase,

I had an unstable girl who's superhot, and we were classmates. She can't stick her neck out too much, because of the class but yet she also very emotional. She has those "bitchy" girlfriends and hangs out in a small group, but she's very cool with everyone. i did try to move things forward with her when we not in class, but she was very unstable, as in emotional. She even got to show me how her room in her phone is like. That part is no big deal, she can do it with everyone but it's weird. When i decided to cut her out because it took much effort after a year, she becomes cold when i talk to her, as classmates of course.

Do you have any idea why? i feel she didn't want to risk the friendship yet likes me a great ordeal. I also think that maybe she played with me, but it is not likely because she turns cold on and off when we talk as classmates, although we talk rarely.


Chase Amante's picture



Sounds like she might've liked you. Unstable women can have unusual attachent patterns - the boundary lines betweens friends and lovers come crashing down sometimes with some of these girls, and they'll sleep with friends and treat lovers like gal pals and all kinds of weird stuff - sort of like they can't really see any big difference between other people, and everyone else is just in one big category of people they all treat largely the same. Or, they have so few people they're close with (because everyone runs away) that they closely attach to whomever is nearby and make them responsible for the full spectrum of emotions (usually causing them to then run away too).

Anyway, the more unstable the person, the more personally she'll take any kind of rejection, and the more sensitive she'll be to changes in the dynamic between the two of you. Little tiny things that lie outside the range of you perception she'll be enormously aware of, and she'll take offense to.

Auto-rejection can happen for reasons other than spurned romantic interest - could also be if she really, REALLY wanted you as a friend, and became resentful when she couldn't get that.

Either way though, if she's treating you cold, there's something she really wanted or expected from you that she did not get. With an unstable girl, it doesn't necessarily have to be friendship OR sex OR romance - it could very well be all of the above and more.


Anonymous's picture

Perfect article! I have a girl in my school who's always giving me very long stares, not so much lusty ones but letting me now she wants me to look at her back. She never dates guys in my grade, but she's also quite insecure of her looks. She clearly wants validation from me from how she stares at me, but I'm afraid if I let her know if think she's really attractive back, she'll back off ... But at the same time I know I can't just ignore it.
What should I do?
Thank you Chase

Chase Amante's picture



Check out this article if you haven't already:

Cute Girls in Class? Stop Flirting and Start DATING

If you can, the best way to start talking to this girl would be to "catch her in the act," but talk to her in a way that makes you humble enough she won't feel embarrassed.

e.g., if you say, "You know, if you keep staring at me like that, I'm going to have to ask you out," she'll likely be frazzled, because there's no indication of what your status is relative to hers, but it makes her sound like she might be low status, and because there's a date proposal on the table already and she wasn't even sure if that was what she wanted with you yet.

But if you say, "If you keep staring at me like that, my ego's going to get really big, you know," you both let her know she's the one doing the staring, but you also don't make it sound like you're above her - by looking at you, she's expanding your ego, which means you feel good that she's staring at you, which means you hold her in high esteem. You'd want to deliver that one slowly - the first part while not looking at her, and the second part turning your head and eyes slowly to meet hers.

Banter with her a bit - then suggest you do something together (grab lunch, have a snack and chat after class, etc.).


Anonymous's picture

Thanks, that's very clear. This stuff is so much better than all that mystery method stuff! Good luck With the site man

Anonymous's picture

another sharp post it sure made things clearer to me.my question is do you have any advice on some of the best places for Africans/or African American to visit? I have heard to avoid countries like Russia and Hungary but I am still confused. What do you think?

Chase Amante's picture



The ones I consistently hear are Sweden and Japan. Sweden, apparently there's a dark skin craze going on, and Swedish girls are crazy for black guys / dark guys - there just aren't that many of them. I think all over the Nordic countries is supposed to be good for dark skinned men, but Sweden's supposedly the best.

Japan is another one where the women are just crazy for foreigners in general, and crazy for anyone who isn't meek / submissive (the women have to approach the men in Japan, much of the time). Not all Japanese women are into black men, but there's also a certain subset that only wants to date exclusively black men.


Korean's picture

Honestly I was impressed of your knowledges and insight in human's communication. And your faithful answers for everyone. In fact you've shown the axact informations as referring Sweden and Japan, because for example, I actually saw in Tokyo, the black guys are hanging out with the locals, even two girls in their arms!

So I also have a question for you, I'm asian and (not for boasting myself but for a information) they say handsome and attractive. Many times I've read their body languages or signals being sent, so I know their is an attraction. But I've failed too many in terms of dating. It means, because I've known they 'invite' me to contact them, so we start conversation easily, but even I got her number or made promise of going out, it doesn't work after! An Italian girl I met in a party wanted to meet next week for example, it was not me but her who proposed it, but when I called her and sent a text, she didn't answer.

I'm sociable character, so not so bad conversationalist, not greatly humourous, basically a bit calm but often cheerful. I don't know exactly what is the problem. It would be my porsonality? conversational skill? or anything else I didn't notice for example showing insecurity?

Recently I met a girl when I was alone in restaurant by chance, by guideline of a book, so to be calm and not to be needy and be myself, I tried to start talk with one of the two girls, and it worked, I talked slowly, was relaxed. So the conversation stoped from time to time, she restarted by asking something, and we shared her dessert, and going each other's home together but because she has decided to return to her country(Italy) I didn't get her number, but attraction had been maintained. Well, but I'm not so sure for the past experiences that they've shown the sexual attraction but finally it had been gone... Oh yes, I live in France.

BBW's picture

Hey Chase,

Great article and exactly what I have been looking for. Anyway, I have a question about hair length. Everything I have seen suggests that girls find short hair most attractive on men. I however have extremely long, curly hair (2 feet) and it is not uncommon for girls to touch my hair and compliment it. I have seriously had strangers ask me how I get my hair the way it is (it's natural) and all the girls seem to love it. Is this merely a jealousy or is long hair actually attractive to females? Hope you can shed some light on this issue

Thanks bro,

Chase Amante's picture



Long hair's a polarizer - some women love it, some women hate it. That's actually usually a good thing - it means the reception you're getting from women is anything but neutral. If you're out of school and have long hair, it also implies you're probably not in the 9-to-5 world, and are rather edgy and countercultural - many women see long hair and think "rock star."

I had shoulder-length hair for a while in 2008 as an experiment, but it didn't seem to affect the reception I got from women a whole lot - and when I lost some weight and had the trendiest salon in town do my hair, I saw an attraction boost. So I've always been a little hesitant to return to it, personally. But maybe 20% or so of the guys I know who are good with girls swear by long hair and keep their locks long. If you've got long hair and it's working for you, it's probably a good thing, despite whatever you've heard about women preferring short hair.

Long hair also instantly makes you sexier / more bad boy, so you have fewer concerns about getting labeled as a boyfriend candidate instead of a potential lover - and that's definitely to your advantage.


CatchMeIfYouCan's picture

Hey Chase,

Great article, great site. I'm learning everyday. I'm new around here and I'd like to get your feedback on my situation (although this article helped out a lot).

I recently asked out an ex-co-worker the day after my last working day there (at my going away party Saturday before last), and she said yes.

I wasn't expecting her to be there as she had declined my co-worker's invites to come and bid me farewell (she had left work the day before to put the family dog down).

She only stayed for about an hour. But during that hour I approached and spoke with her before she left.

Around a high note, I asked her:

Me: "What's your schedule like this week, let's grab some food or drink."

Her: "Okay, Thursday at 7."

Me: "Great, let's meet at....uhh..." (and I proceeded to draw a blank).

Her: "Just text me where." (I'd already gotten her number from her earlier)

Me: "Okay, great." (And then she left)

Trying to follow the 5 C's and "How to Text Girls" the best I could, two days later (Monday) I planned out the date and texted her:

Me:"Goodmorning ___! Let's meet at ___ ___ Cafe Thurs @7. Sound good?"

Her (few hours later):"Hey ___, that sounds good to me. Which one?"

Me (about half an hour later): "The one in ___, 4680 ___ blvd. See u there : )" (she doesn't reply)

3 days later (Thursday, the day of the date) about 1:30PM, she texts me:

Her:"Hey super sorry about canceling last minute, but I have to cover/coach tonight at my other job so I won't be able to go tonight. How does Sunday afternoon work for you for lunch?"

Me (about an hour later):"___, hey. Cool, still meet me at ___ ___ in ___...say 1 o'clock?" (she doesn't reply).

Two days later (Saturday) about 5PM she texts me:

Her:"Hey so I've just been thinking that I don't want to lead you on by going on our date tomorrow. This isn't really a good time for me to start dating anyone. I'm really sorry but I hope it's okay if we cancel tomorrow."

Me (about an hour and half later): "Hey ___, I understand, timing is important! You seem like an interesting person, I'm glad I met you."

Her (about an hour later): "Thank you, the same for yourself. Glad I met you as well & I wish you the best of luck!"

(And I couldn't help myself) Me (about 45 minutes later): "Thanx, u were kinda leading me on tho ; )"

Chase, based on your experiences, what feedback could you provide me about this situation?What can you interpret from her messages?

I wasn't sure what to make of it as she told me yes when I asked her out, then confirmed date, time, location, then lets me know of change and reschedules, and then she calls it off.

Chalk this up as a loss?

I purchased your Mastery material, including your book "How to Make Girls Chase" (about a day too late in this case), and came across the phrase:

"I guess we'll just have to find something other to do than "date."

And I thought about what she had texted me:

"This isn't really a good time for me to start dating anyone."

"I guess we'll just have to find something other to do than "date."

And couldn't help but wonder if this was still something that I could use. I'm realizing that I didn't do any Chase Framing and was wondering if texting this was still worth a shot to put that idea/suggestion in her head.

What are your thoughts? (much appreciated)

Chase Amante's picture



I think you actually stood a good chance of getting this girl, but for a little detail in your texts that made them a little too stiff. This’ll probably be one of those situations where you slap your head and go, “Argh!” because it’ll seem obvious once I point it out.

What’s happening here is you’re ending your text conversations prematurely, and without giving her normal social wiggle room to confirm – it feels like you’re telling her what to do. She’s reacting the same way most girls would – by recoiling a bit, cancelling and delaying, and then scratching the date altogether.

So, your texting looked like this:

You: Good morning, Nadine! Let's meet at Mainline Cafe Thus @ 7. Sound good?

Her: Hey Catch, that sounds good to me. Which one?

You: The one in Crown Heights, 4680 Cheshire blvd. See u there :)

I've had a few girls text me this way, and it always feels like they're dictating the date (and I've always cancelled on them!). The problems are:

  1. Jumping into date planning without any niceties / saying hello / getting her up-to-speed. It's like walking into a store and before you can even look around or get comfortable they ask you, "What's your budget like for today's purchase? Will you be buying premium or are you looking for something more economical?" and you go, "Whoa, whoa, hey - I just walked in! Give me a minute first."

  2. Waiting a few days but not asking if things are still on - this one creates a "gap" if she has any reservations at all - when you assume things are exactly the same even though time has passsed, it's felt by her as an insensitivity to her life and schedule - maybe something's different now and the same date / time no longer work.

  3. The assumption at the end that she's going to come, without giving her the chance to give you buy in. To use the store example again, it's sort of like pointing at a stereo and saying, "How much does this one cost?" and the salesman picks up and says, "That one's $480 plus tax. Here, I'll go get you all rung up right now and take the tags off and we'll get you on your way!"

Here's how you'd do it differently:

You: Good morning, Nadine - hope you had a great rest of the weekend and got that sleep you were leaving for Friday night. I mostly relaxed; had a barbecue yesterday though, that was fun. Thursday at 7 still good to grab a bite / drink?

Her: Hey Catch, I did get some sleep yeah. The barbecue sounds fun. Thursday at 7 still works - what'd you have in mind?

You: Awesome. How's the Mainline Cafe sound - ever been there?

Her: That sounds good to me. Which one?

You: There's one in Crown Heights I like - 4680 Cheshire Blvd. Much nicer / roomier / spacier than the other one on Wilson St - the food there is better too. Shall we do there?

Her: Cheshire sounds perfect.

You: Great. See you in a couple of days then, Nadine.

The feedback on the other texting is similar - same issues there (not including her enough every step of the way in the decision making, so that it feels like a joint, non-rushed date, rather than one that's been dictated to her).

Telling girls, "I guess we'll have to find something to do other than 'date,'" is a good one, but you'll want to reserve that for when you're talking in-person or over the phone - there's a little too much nuance there that gets missed via text.

With this girl, text has sort of been burned as a medium and she probably has bad feelings about getting a text from you at this point. So, if you want to proceed with her, you'll need a fresh medium, and phone's probably the way you want to go. It might already be too late for redemption with this particular girl, but you can still try making a recovery phone call and just throwing a lot of positive energy at her over the phone and resetting her opinion of you. Then try and get her out at the end of the phone call. Don't mention the texting or cancelled dates, and brush them off if she does - just remind her why she was willing to go out with you originally, and you might be able to get her to change her mind. If she says yes, you've got a nice recovery to your name! And even if she doesn't, you'll know what things to avoid and what things to include with the next girls you text to meet up.


CatchMeIfYouCan's picture


Thank you for your perspective and insight on my situation. I appreciate your feedback with this particular case and will use what I've learnd from your reply, your site, and your material to move fast and forward with this girl and other girls. Lastly, thanks for all the great info that you and the team put out there. It's helped me as I'm sure it's helped others. Continue to empower!


King's picture


Great article as usual. I'm in a class with a girl i'm really attracted to. From what I could tell she was attracted to me as well. I talked to her during the first few classes then asked her out after class. She said, "Yes", immediately and put her number in my phone. When I texted the next day to confirm details she said she had a boyfriend but would still want to hang out. I chalked it up to her being excited and wanting to go out with me but not wanting to openly cheat on her bf.

I told her we'd catch up after the break. The class we have together is in our ARTS curriculum and I deliver some of the strongest work in class, so theres a natural spezzatura vibe that happens when we start making stuff. We've flirted back and forth a little in class since, but when our conversation went sexual she reminded me she has a boyfriend. I've led the interactions so far but I'm thinking about just acting warmly when she's closeby but ignoring her the rest of the time.

She's not a flirty person, def more of a shy excited girl.

Does it sound like there's genuine interest or am I missing something?

What do you think?

FYI, I am not focusing just on this girl. It's just a hang up i'm having with someone I like.

Thanks Chase

Chase Amante's picture



What it sounds like with this girl is she's logically policing herself. That is, emotionally she's attracted to you and excited by you. But then she gains a logical moment of clarity and says, "Wait! Bad emotions. You're in a committed relationship, and you do not cheat!" Then she reprimands herself, and reminds you that she has a boyfriend (and to not go getting any ideas).

I'd probably recommend you switch to being social with her when near but otherwise ignoring her too, yeah. This is a situation where, when she gets older, her emotions will triumph in the end - when she's had more partners, and more experience, and sees sex as less of a big deal, she'll stop overriding her emotions and just do whatever she feels like whenever she feels like it. If you met her in 10 years you'd likely never find out about the boyfriend - she'd just go to bed with you and not mention him. But for now, she's going to war with herself, and try to beat her emotional wants back into submission with her logical wants as the club doing the beating.

You could try to overcome her reservations here and give her what she REALLY (read: emotionally) wants... but it doesn't sound like she's quite ready to undergo a sexual awakening yet, and you might be pulling her out of her cocoon too early. Better to let her arrive at the decision to stop overriding her emotions herself than to yank her there prematurely - you risk doing some damage, or at least taking her through an uncomfortable time as she comes to grips with the disconnect between what she wants herself to do logically and what her urges to do emotionally and biologically are.


Anonymous's picture

How can I attract flirtatious girls who are atttactive, confident, have their shit together, constantly get attention feom other guyys?

Chase Amante's picture



The short answer is, by combining solid fundamentals and expert process.

The more in-demand anyone is, the choosier she generally becomes. Having your fundamentals bolted down tight and your process / approach down solid means you'll immediately be more attractive to her on first meeting her. Most attraction is instant - it's there or not, mostly depending on fundamentals (things like posture, movement, comportment, eye contact, facial expressions, voice tone, fashion, hair style, facial hair, and the like), and your process is all about capitalizing on what interest there is, amplifying it, and turning it into something tangible - phone numbers, dates, lovers, girlfriends.

That's really the subject of most of the content on GC - how do you turn yourself into the kind of man that most women simply can't resist? It's a big question, and each one of the programs and articles here is designed to help you answer some part of that question.


Rico Suave's picture

Hey Chase
You blog rocks, goes beyond what Freud couldn{ t decode about women.

My question is:
What about when you get intimante with a girl on a Same Night Lay...or a girl you barely knew before and in a sudden you spent the night together .She let´s you know in your bed that had a wondeful night, fulfilled her sexually and you know it´s true because you perceived it. And then a couple of days later you text or call pursuing to see her and she does not reply or turns cold on you? Even if she´s cold you try to contact her a second time with the same result.

Any advice on that?
Rico Suave

Chase Amante's picture



That's a case of buyer's remorse - something where, for one reason or another, she had reason to change her mind from, "Ah... that was great!" to, "Wow, I really regret doing that now."

It's almost always simply a case of you needing to make her feel warm and fuzzy in a narrow enough window after first sex... although occasionally it can also be that she really just wanted sex, didn't care much about with whom, and didn't have any interest in seeing the guy she got it from again later. Assuming it's the former and not the latter, check out 3 Second Date Strategies to Make Her Flirt and Swoon and scroll down to the subheading "How to Get a Second Date After Sex on the First." There are 5 things you can do there with her during and after sex to up the odds you see her again, and then a couple of other things to do in the hours and days that follow to make as sure as possible that she wants to see you again for more. Although, even if it's the former, much of the time these things can change her mind there, too (i.e., "Wow, that was great... maybe I should see him again after all!").


Irish's picture

Dear Chase,

Ive been reading alot of what you have to say and it has all been very very helpful to me but there are some things that dont apply to my situation and some things that do. i would just like your input on my current situation.

I met a girl about a month after my year long girlfriend had cheated on me. I was in the mindset of I'm free i can do what i want and who i want whenever i want. I started talking to this girl we shall name (the one) and it was flirty it was fun and she was amazing to me and did so much for me i.e bailed me out of jail... but i had met another girl about a month after her who was only a piece of ass to me. i carried on this thing and really started falling for (the one) we had gotten very close and i noticed that i would remember small things about her that i haven't about any other girl in any other relationship i've been in. (The One) had asked about the other girl (side piece) and i lied and said she was just a friend on numerous occasions. I told the one i hadnt been with anyone but her which was also a lie because there had been one or two other girls i had also had relations with.

I decided to end it with side piece and focus on the one. Side piece took it horribly and said she had fallen in love and i told her i was sorry i didnt feel the same about her. Things were amazing for about a month with the one. Until she found out about side piece and i openly told her about another girl. She completely flipped but didnt throw me away things were slowly getting back to normal and last night she found out another lie i told about hanging out with a girl.

Where i am at right now is the fact i have no clue what to do. I truly am in love with this girl and i have focused all my time in the last month to change my life around (get a job, quit smoking weed, i payed for something she has wanted since the day we started talking, so on and so forth.) She tells me she loves me and no one has cared about her this much before and the seldom times we do hang out and are alone its perfect. but during the times we arent together she rarely texts its always short and she never tries to make conversation with me. At the same time she will call me every night just to hear my voice before she goes to sleep. She says we will get back together and i know for a fact she hasn't been talking to any other guys. But after she found out about the small lie last night she said she doesn't know what to do. Mind you we were never in a committed relationship just (talking) but i still lied and she was faithful for the 9-10 month period while i was not. I'm trying to do everything i can to win her back and i have been doing decently well on not smothering her with my feelings. I need to know how to show her that my mistakes are in the past and i am not dumb enough to lie to her or hurt her again because she is all i want. I don't want her to base my mistakes off of who i am today because i really have changed. Everyone has been in her ear telling her what to do and before last night everything was good she told me we were getting back together she just didn't want the drama of us being in a relationship right now because we are from a small town and everyone knows everyone. After last night i honestly don't know how she feels.

Would you happen to have any tips or advice on how to make her give me a clean slate or a second chance? Anything would be helpful. My mind is a mess and its tearing me down.

Thank you and God Bless

Chase Amante's picture



That's a very familiar situation to me. When I was young I'd run my relationships on "total honesty," and basically tell girls I wasn't exclusive to them while strongly implying I wasn't interested in relationships with them if they weren't going to be exclusive to me. It worked - I got the relationships I wanted - but eventually these kinds of relationships begin breaking down because of her peer group.

To understand it, imagine you live in an Arabic country, or in a fundamentalist Mormon town, or the like. You have several wives there, and those wives go out and talk to other women, and everything's treated as completely normal. As a result, your wives face little to no internal conflict, are happy, and are satisfied they're getting a good deal with life.

Now imagine you live wherever you live right now (assuming it's anywhere other than the MIddle East or a fundamentalist Mormon compound), and you have several wives. While they're with you (and each other), they're blissfully happy. You've made their wildest dreams come true in ways that every other man has every failed to do. But the instant they step outside the house, they're bombarded from all directions by people telling them, "Your relationship is wrong," "You can do so much better!" "You should have a man all to yourself," "You shouldn't have to put up with that." After every day outside the house, they come home and you're faced with quieting a full-blown rebellion. After a few hours, they calm down, and are blissfully happy with you once again. But the next day, they go outside once more, and once more they're bombarded with people telling them they're wrong - this isn't bliss, it's misery.

That's the problem with having had any kind of unconventional relationship, or a relationship where people outside your relationship are judging you. If it's just you and your girl, the relationship runs purely on the merits of whether it's enough for you and enough for her. But once society starts sticking its nose in, the relationship is no longer about what you and her want - it's about what the other people around her think she should want, and browbeat her into wanting.

I used to have girlfriends telling me about how much they were defending our relationship together, and about how other people didn't understand. To me, this was always a sign of the beginning of the end. There's only so long someone can resist the views of the masses of people around her. As her man, you have more influence over her than any one person, but if she's surrounded by 10 people who think you're bad for her life, they'll work tirelessly around the clock to turn her against you until they succeed.

When you have a relationship that's this badly damaged by a combination of things you've done, and outside pressure from other people that won't let the past be the past, the only thing you can really do to get truly past it is to take some time to both date other people. All the girls I've had this kind of relationship with in the past have hounded me for us to get back together within 6 months or a year after we split up, and still to this day want us to, despite how cold and spiteful they were toward the end of our relationships (I don't run my relationships this way anymore, incidentally; I consider it a failed experiment... the result of overzealous idealism about my ability to bring so much value to a girl's life that I could violate social expectations and be fine anyway, because I'd be an "exception to the rules" - but it doesn't work that way in practice).

You can try and hang onto her, but the wound won't heal so long as you're still around - what'll happen is, she'll feel horrible from society and from her own rumination... then she'll go spend time with you, and feel wonderful... and then she'll leave, start ruminating, start having other people tell her what to think and what to feel, and then feel horrible again... and then go see you and feel wonderful again... and then leave and ruminate and have others impose their views on her and feel horrible again... it's like have a wound you keep scratching the scab off of. It keeps scabbing over, you scratch the scab off, it scabs over again, you scratch the scab off, it scabs over again... and it never heals.

She needs some time to be alone with her thoughts, to really immerse herself in the cycle of thinking, "What IF Irish is a horrible guy and not the right man for me at ALL?" to date some other men and realize they don't measure up, and then to cool off. By the time she comes back to you, her reservations will have faded, and the other people in her life will have laid off too, as they sense that her emotions have calmed down about it (and she still hasn't found anyone better).

Really though, when you've crossed this point in a relationship, it will always be damaged goods and you will always have trust issues. You cannot repair trust once it's breached - once it's gone, it's gone forever. It's like killing a kitten - you can't kill a kitten, and say, "Wait! I want to take it back!" The kitten's dead, and it's going to stay dead no matter how much you wish you hadn't killed it.

The best advice here is, as much as you care for this girl, you're always going to have a damaged, distrustful relationship with her - I recommend letting her go. You'll find someone else like her, and do it right next time - and she'll get to work through her issues and rebound back strong again, and find someone she can trust.


Skyfer's picture

I've been working on getting one co-worker chick for about 6months now. I really moved things onward fast with her, 1st date had a great time, 2nd kissing but found out she has a boyfriend, after that she really backed away "Let's forget this happened" etc.
After few weeks passed we met at a party and ended up having sex. I admit, not INCREDIBLE it didn't really work out all rosy. (I can bang my head to wall regarding this but nothing changes past). After this she again backed away heavily "She feels bad and we really can't see each other anymore".

After this for last 4 months or so we've been having this struggle on where are we and what's allowed etc. for instance. She wants to have lunch with me at office, or a coffee during work times, but if I ask her out outside working hours "she just can't do that even that she'd love to".

She also stated that I shouldn't send her any SMS (when I sent like one or so). I spoke to her that it makes absolutely no sense that I can only be in touch at office hours with you when it's exactly the same would we see outside then.

Add to this also the fact that occasionaly she calls to me and is very thrilled and happy. When she's called drunk few weeks ago she admitted she thinks about me everyday and just can't get over us, but she and her guy have all the common social circles etc.. I was simply to her ok you're scared it's ok, don't stress lets just meet right now and have a good time, but even then it was a no "she just can't and she hopes I don't kind of wait for her".. which was incredibly pissing off as I hate patronizing tone, and was like "don't worry about me".
On work hours she kind of dodges flirts I do, but I'm quite persistent with them. So that would indicate no serious interest on her end to me anymore, but her other gestures and phonecalls speak otherwise.

Let me STILL say that this is seriously a girl I could call "wife-material" absolutely one of the coolest persons I've met and a clever conversationalist. A challenge one could say. I've met other girls meanwhile during these months but none has been as inspiring.

Though about her I could think following:
- I assume she's interested in me thats sure, but can't make big decisions.
- She really wants to keep me around as she contacts me daily at the office and wants to have a chat via social media etc, so she gets things she likes from me. Which is a weapon for me to use or against me.
- Thus she might actually like this current situation. Though she's keeping herself on the loop of wanting me by seeing regularly.
- I have to really outgame her to get her, as providing to her what she wants I'm sure I could very easily fall into her "friend" category and lose my outlook as a cool and interesting guy, and she's really playing as hard as she can to get me into this category. She might think she's getting to know me better before making any drastic moves but in fact it's only bad for both of us I think.
- I also lose my interest on her if meeting too much "casually".

My current "gameplan" is:
- Face the fact, I also enjoy the current situation in some weird way, but I want things to LEAD to something in the end. I try to show to her that I got new point of interest which has completely make me lose my interest on her. Stopped flirting with her completely.
- I've been having on/off weeks, one week responding to her kindly, chatting, giving her a bit of attention and kind words, some flirting etc.
- Next week nothing, avoid all the conversation, respond to "business only" stuff. Avoiding her asking me to lunch / coffee etc, as it's ultimately not moving things onward.
- I'm increasing now my fading (off-weeks) to her, last week almost no contact. Well she said like where have I been and she's missing me.. just saying.
- I'm also now pointing out sometimes her boyfriend when chatting.. to kind of emphasize me being "just fine with them".
- During next weeks I try to be simply as distant as possible. What is hard is the fact as she's co-worker I got no good reason to say NO to a lunch or CAN'T say no if she needs my help on something.

Is there any tips Chase & CO could give to me on this scenario.. Something I'm missing perhaps? I can tell you I would fade her completely and maybe check again after half a year or so if she just wasn't working at the same place..

Chase Amante's picture



It gets complicated when she's someone you see daily. No easy way to cut contact there...

It sounds like what's happened is she likes you, but not so much that she desperately wants you as a lover (if that was the case, she would've kept on with you after sex). The bad sex hurts you in this case - very important to give a woman a great first time if you want to see her again. But, as you note, nothing you can do about that now.

At this point, she probably views you as a potential "next boyfriend," but isn't sure she wants to jump ship with her current guy. She doesn't sound like she's all that unhappy with him, or not unhappy enough to take a chance with the devil she doesn't know (so to speak).

You probably don't get anywhere without a similar party situation / alcohol, and without raising her interest in you as a lover again, rather than a potential replacement for her current boyfriend. Which means you need preselection... you need her seeing with a woman - ideally, a woman more attractive and desirable than her. There's nothing that does a hard reset on women's attraction levels like preselection.

If I were you, I'd find a pretty girl to accompany you to some work event where this girl will be, but in a way that seems natural, or almost like you don't want people to know she exists. e.g., maybe have her drop in to come pick you up from the office because your car is broken down. The office girl ends up wondering who she is and what the relation is and how come you've never mentioned her... and you tell her, "Ah, she's just my friend," when she asks you later, and say no more. Barring that, you could always just get a small picture of you and some beautiful woman and put it somewhere in your work area that she'll see. Make it not too big, don't frame it or make it all that important, just put it somewhere it'll look like it was placed covertly but she'll still notice it and ask about it. Then tell her the girl is just your "friend" and move on with the conversation.

As far as dealing with her in the meantime, be nice, calm, a little flirty, but don't ask her out. Stop chasing her. Make her wonder what happened... intrigue her. Make it so she cannot stop thinking about you and wondering what caused the switch.

Then, bring other women into the picture, and start leaving clues.


Skyfer's picture

Hey Chase, first of all thank you of answer, didn't you you would actually have time. I'm pondering on subscribing, though considered the price a bit steep so far.. we'll see :)

This is my thoughts also, you just put it better to words, I've gone through the road on trying to impress some more, now it's time to change pattern. She already knows the good stuff I can offer on conversations etc. now she should evaluate it's importance to her and have the sense of losing me.
As you point out at the moment my num.1 quality probably unfortunately isn't the sexy guy. So that's what has to be reminded..

I have to say that on our meetings 2 and 3 BEFORE the not so successful sex. Though she said to me that "I'm so sexy and hot and I should stop teasing her etc". So I'm confident sexiness is in my habitus in her eyes, but my failure in the actual act is a bit against me :D. I can "anonymously" be easily honest that I'm confident I can make girls interested in me but regarding sex I'm suddenly not Mr. Confident, I'm simply not easily all excited and ready to go. This is a problem for me and something to work on, just hate to see it affecting when theres a girl I'm actually interested in.
Being on positive note it's also my pro that I can play more cool with hot chicks as good looks don't overwhelm me.

She has said though that she isn't happy with her BF, or doesn't talk anything about him at all. I guess she has mood swings though.
Fact is that I don't like the idea to be a replacement BF myself. Let's begin by seeing and having fun & actually successful sex then we'll see.
So it's all in my favor to get out of the "boyfriend" frame from her mind tbh. Even worse would be "friends" frame which I don't fall though, she considers me as a man in demand.

Slight problem on preselection is that I see this girl mostly only at lunch or if she requests my assistance or knowledge here (which "happens" frequently).. On your advice though I started working on getting a girl to have lunch with me here at work cafeterio.. luckily I got a few hot girlfriends happy to help if no other source is available :D So we'll see how this affects the situation..

I don't expect SUDDEN or speedy changes, and I shouldn't expect too much of her anymore. I still think like you that it could require a drink or 2 on her end as it seems it always opens her to her emotions. But this definitely swings me back towards the image of guy with options and demand as a sexual partner.

Thank you again.

Skyfer's picture

Thought to inform anyone perhaps reading and checking this that I pulled this preselection today.. and what a surprise this co-worker asks already today indirectly about this girl I had lunch with so at least SOME reaction is there ;).

I don't like really playing mindgames, but this really did work though. Don't know what it makes happen, perhaps it just passes and nothing happens in her after all.. But still it's at least for now a reminder to her that I'm not there for her anymore and moving on with my life. It's funny how powerful it can be for a woman to visually see something, even that I would've shown it in many other ways to her already.


fera's picture

hey Chase,

you have a beautiful thing goin on here, i read many of your articles, i think it's a great idea, you have great alternative coaching skills, i think it is way beyond getting women and relationships, it touchs many aspects of one's self, i think that needs to be further expanded as a new entrepreneurship and intoduced in other parts of the world (am sorry for being, maybe nosy, but this idea interest me a lot), well, other than that, i wanted to know what you think about a situation i am in, i think i need help...

she is a work colleague for almost 8 months, there was no interst at first, started to feel mutual attraction at some point, like 3 months ago, approached her, got an uncertain rejection, she said she does not want to "fool around", at some point "snapped out" and made her understand i don't play games, off course had to apologize later after she approached me, after that, asked me out to the movies! made an a move, a day or two later made an "all in" move, she refused to give an answer, asked me out with her and her girlfirend! made another move, hinted its a last chance as i usually do not give it, had some touching going on, tried to kiss her, she refused with uncertainty saying there is no turning back if we kiss and that was it untill now, am showing her a bit more attention, thought i'd "force" a final answer or back off, i'd put a deadline for this whole situation.... meanwhile i neeeed help, i do not want to walk away unless it's absolutly useless, any advice??

fera's picture

adding to what i posted earlier, i went out again with this girl, this time i insisted on an answer, we talked a lot, she said she likes me a lot but she had concerns, like she has been through bad experiences and she wants me to be sure i want a relationship, she said she had concerns about age (she is a year older than me) and the fact that we are work colleagues and friends, i tried to explain and talked about all those concerns, we kissed for a moment but then she backed off, at the end when she did not give an answer, i explained to her that it is pointless if she cannot decide and that i cannot just keep being around, she got a bit upset and asked me why did i end this at this time and not earlier, i said because i liked her that much that i wanted to give it another chance and said it is not pointless if she decides, and that was it, i think i was cool later with it, i saw her at work off course the day after, i was cool, did not change anything, i think i need help! i can move on but i keep wondering whether i did something wrong and the fact that i see her everyday just annoying! any suggestions please?

J.B's picture

Hey Chase, its been a while since i've been at this site. Looking good bro! Anyways, i've noticed you have not covered rustiness with women for a guy who has experience but hasn't gamed in a while. Is there any chance u can write an article about this?

Chase Amante's picture



Glad to hear you like it! Rustiness, sure - I'll put it on the queue. The biggest part of it really is just getting yourself out and approaching again - the rust comes off pretty naturally as you get your legs back under you again.

But... I'll see if I can come up with some more specific directions for a future article on the topic.


Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase, I am a 24 year old male and I am only interested in girls who are 18/19 and in my country the only place I can hookup with them is at schools or social clubs. I dont know how to approach these girls in such a way that I will not creep them up and I had loads of failures with women of my age in the past. please give me tips and specific articles to improve my game and confidence.Thanks !

Chase Amante's picture



See my reply to you here.


JohnnyRocket27's picture

Today a friend and i went to the mall to grab a cd and a hooded jacket. Before we left, I suggested that we go to a diner just outside the building and as we were seated, a waitress began to serverve us and take our order. when she did I immediately became interested but was about half hearted to ask her, however, before we left and she took our checks, immediately I asked her flat out if she wanted to hang out sometime. This of course caught her off guard but within a few seconds she smiled and said 'maybe.' Itook it as a rejection, but to make sure, I asked for her number only to get a still-smiling response of 'I don't think I'm allowed to.' I then became bummed about it but walked away in confidence that I tried, telling her it was alright. (beforehand, my friend and i were seated near the register, so we managed to conversate a little before asking)

now my question to you is did I play my cards right and did she show interest based on what has been said or was she 'simply amused' as my friend put it?

The Rookie's picture

thank you mr chase

these articles you write are amazing, i am learning a lot while reading them. as for the name, i am currently not out on the field prowling for women right now (for the perfect girl kinda stuff) and i guess it is also a lack of self confidence.

well as for the reason for the post, i have a dilemma. there is this girl i am very interested in, i have yet to figure out the nature of the attraction, if it is purely physical or sexual, is it an infatuation, or is it that i actually like her. i find myself frantically desiring her attention, and i consider her attractive. i was going to leave a lot of random typing on my calculator when i found out we are assigned the same calculator (she has the class at different time). (ahh im so pathetic)
(i also just realized that that plan might backfire if they paid no attention to assigned calculators and grab whatever calculators they wish, which means she will not receive the message).

well the other problem is that i am confused as to what she feels toward me. see we usually talk in only one class. other than that she kinda ignores me. i don't see her after school (no money-no time-no car-lame parents). i don't have a phone. in class she seems as if she is interested at times, she takes the initiative. occasionally she bumps her foot against my thigh than apologizes obliviously, she does that preening when fixing her sweater, rearranging it, wiping fake dust off of it, and guiding my eyes toward her legs (not all teh time) im just glance but try not to look to long. she seems comfortable when we sit next to each other. she sometimes asks me what my plans are for the weekend or after school and i tell her i don't know, because i don't.
(.... amongst other things and mostly in a nonchalant way)

(one thing is that her body is facing toward me, but i cant really tell if its because i am in between her and the teacher or the door or what)

outside of the class though, we kinda live in worlds apart! and she has a boyfriend! and she tends to ignore me mostly around her boyfriend!(that is unless i approach her). also when we are together in class, occasionally she likes to talk about her boyfriend (she does some other things too). her boyfriend is a cool guy too and i dont want to like her because it could screw up their relationship, and they look like they actually like each other too

and i think i make the situation worse by trying to play it cool, so she wont find out i like her or anything (although it might be completely obvious because a friend pointed it out the day we sat next to each other, even before i started to notice anything)

i dont know what to think

Anonymous's picture

i got a question. i was sort of attracted to this girl in college. we began off as riends then she send me a miss you text and gave me her number when i asked but she never repond to my texts. but she will text me when she wants to study with me and when i asked to have lunch/dinner with me she always says shes busy with school. am i missing something? and then theres this other girl who is a year younger than me but we text alot for the past few month, always sending g'morning text most of the time but after the second time we hanged out she stopped texting me. did i do something wrong or something?
lMK thanks

Woodpecker's picture

Hi Chase ,thank you for your wonderful website.
I read this article and it is quite interesting.I wanted to know your take on this problem I have:

There is this girl whom I like,and she seemed to give me signals too, we usually hung out in group but then we started facebook msging . And here the problem begins :sometimes she sends me a message , and then when I answer she doesn't follow up.then after a month just out of the blue ,she sends me another msg that she has been a bad friend for not catching up ...then i reply ,she is off radar ,again after two weeks she asks me about my opinion whether women should work or not.I respond and again no answer.
And lately ,I held a birthday ,,first she was very interested and said she will come and we will talk together and ...
The night before the birthday she msged me that she is sorry she has to work and can't come and what I would say to meet her on another day...

Now there are two things going on here :
1. First I am offended for her behavior and I think I am just following her and she is pulling my strings.

2.Unlike meeting in a group ,this will be a one on one meeting and is quite tempting...

What do you think I should do ?
I am afraid if I fix the meeting with her she cancels it again,and I really can't tolerate her changing her mind all the time,I think she is so unstable.

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

Anonymous's picture

So I been talking to this for a while!
She initiated the conversation. But slowly and gradually I got really physically
attracted to her and emotions grew side by side.
I am still not sure but I think my need for chase and her playing somewhat hard to get has gotten me chasing her extra.
Lately for the past month or so, I have been initiating conversations. I don't know what to do? I am tired of chasing but really feel like calling this girl.
I am soo damn confused... I need help please.
I feel like she thinks that I know what I want, maybe cause I flattered her too much. But I guess I took the wrong approach.

We been on 5-6 dates and I have tried moving things, but she seems so unsure. Freaking mixed signals all the way. Cant stop thinking on what to do. Infatuation has made me "google for answers".

Should I keep on chasing?

Lyn's picture

I really liked this, it's simple and easy to understand. I'm a female and it made sense to me for men. Cause this happens to me a lot. I know, I must be a bit slow at this game.
Unfortunately I thought he was keen on me for several years and maybe things would change. When he was just flirting with me and other women constantly. The worst thing was he became my one and only during those years and I was afraid to go find anyone else because I was afraid to lose him. Now he's gone I only want to be alone and feeling angry at myself and him for being so stupid.

Anonymous's picture

Ok, so I have this married co-worker who taps my leg lightly under the table at lunch, and has even started resting her foot on my leg. She sends plenty of other signals too.

We are both married and I would certainly be ok with something extra. She mentions her husband is fat and she wishes he were more fit (I am fit) BUT:

How on earth do you push things forward in an office environment. I really can't tell if she is just a flirt or would like me to move forward. Maybe too much at steak because of work?

BKB33's picture

Hello Chase and others,

I have a question. I don't know whether this question suits this article the most, but this is one that most vibed with me. I have been dating this girl for sixth months, and I have no idea what she wants due to her mix signals. She has stated that she is interested in me as a BF and she knows I am interested in her as GF as well. However, when I asked her out, she said she wants to say yes but she's scared that I am only giving her the title to have sex (according to her, two guys have done that to her in her pass).

Now, I am usually not a fan of unproductive situations (especially 6 months ones; first and hopefully last). I did realized that have over valued her because she has retain sex from me. In order to heal myself of this nasty misconception, I did pursue other women and successfully slept with them, yet, a simple kiss from this girl keeps getting me to chase. Recently, she has gone distant on me, after spending the night at place two weeks (did most but sex).

At first, I told myself it was because she is currently studying for her real estate license, but still I wondered, I am busy too yet I still find time for her. I don't even text much. And my text messages aren't needy (I have followed most of the articles about texting from this site). Then I asked myself whether she tried to test me and I failed (if it was a sexual challenge; trust me I attempt to push as hard yet smoothly as could). This brings me to the following questions: has she lost interest in me, if so, should I go cold turkey on this unproductive situation? PS: I am still college and she is a working lady . In addition, she is a 1.5 - 2 yrs older than me.

Anonymous's picture

Hello Chase,

I would like to ask if what does it mean if a girl is walking in the street while she's with her boyfriend then suddenly she spotted you then by that time she make eye contact (I usually keep it for 3 seconds then look away first) then I glance back and she glance back at me too. Till the both of them are gone and left me curious of that night. I usually evaluated the situation and I'm actually more good looking and fit than her slouchy boyfriend.

Anonymous's picture

This girl ive known for 3 years weve been talking for ages now and she'll give me these signals of her liking me then going cold mixed signals in other words the topic you just reviewed and i wanna know why this gorl in particular keeps telling me about the future then slowly cooling it off is it because she wants a reaction or that je wants me to make a man mode move and just tell her straight "i want you"?
Its hard because its the only girl ive fell in love with she'll say im the only guy she trusts witb her life flirts sexually with me thn cool them off is this the flirtacious type? And do you say i should just go man mode on her to get the definate answer ive asked her before and she'll say "i dont know" so im kind of confused about this woman given your experience can you lend a hand chase? :)

Mike's picture

Hi all, so Ive been reading all the posts here, and figured I'd get on board with this perplexing question of why women ignore us after showing interest. I am currently in this EXACT situation.here's my story.

Ive been single for what seems like an eternity, so i decided to post an ad on a dating site, within 2 days i received a simple message from a woman that appeared to be interested. I replied to her message and eventually we exchanged numbers and began texting one another, this was a week before Christmas and at that time we had made plans to meet that Friday, however she was sending me pictures of herself at her office on Thursday during an office Christmas party, enticing me to come to her place of employment and indulge in the festivities, needless to say i was completely on board and did show up.The sparks were immediate and we hit it off great.The evening progressed with us drinking and talking and totally enjoying each other's company eventually leading to her and I having a sexual encounter.The next day, she came and visited me at work for lunch and we spent an hour together, kissed her as she left and told her id see her that evening. That night (the night of our planned date) she backed out due to the fact that she claimed her dog had broken out of it's kennel and destroyed her house. Feeling bad, as this has happened to alot of us im sure, i told her "no worries we can do a rain check" after that she lost contact for a week, literally ignoring texts, or simply giving 1 and 2 word replies where a week earlier she was talking and texting almost non stop.I questioned her initially and asked if she had lost interest following our short time together. She claimed that she had not and gave me another excuse, and again i bit. Again i was ignored for another week until i had just given up.Out of the blue she decides to call me and invites me over on New Years eve. I go over and at first she's a little flirty and tells me, and i quote " You just like me because i challenge you" my reply? " Yeah you challenge me, but you drive me crazy too and for some reason i like it"on into the new year we go, and suddenly i'm on the outside looking in again. This has been going on for a month and its been so draining that im not even sure what to make of it anymore.I really like her but im at my wits end. Is she just playing me? Is there an actual attraction but shes afraid to stick her neck out? i really wish i knew so i could get a little closure, the hard part to this is the complete lack of communication until she feels like im worthy of it and just when i think its done, she contacts me!! HELP!!! I need answers, im now talking to another woman, which has helped take my mind off of her, but she contacted me again today and i dont know what to make of it.Ultimately this woman is my soul mate but something just isnt right with this and ill be damned if i know what, even talking to this new girl cant ease my mind with whats happening and i dont know what to do.