Can't Stop Thinking About Her? Here's Why You Need to Meet More Girls


can't stop thinking about herYou know that feeling. There's this girl you've been chasing forever. You positively, absolutely, can't stop thinking about her. She's the most amazing woman in the world -- you're certain of it. There's never been another one like her.

Her laughter sounds like the delicate tinkling of the finest crystal.

Her voice sounds like the music of the heavens.

The sight of her sets your heart pounding a thousand beats per minute.

You know that if you could just get her, you'd be happy forever and you would never want anything else ever again. Maybe you're not even certain if you believe in marriage or soul mates or "The One" -- but maybe you'd make an exception to all of that for her.

You'd do anything for her.

Well, as you well know by now, I'm not the type to hold punches, sugarcoat things, or sell you fairytales wrapped in gumdrops. So, this isn't per se a post on how to finally get that girl you can't stop thinking about.

Instead, this is a post about how you can wrest back control of your heart, mind, and dating life -- and how you can get yourself to a place where you're truly happy bringing actual women of quality into your life, instead of sitting there pining away for a vision (built more from your ideas of an idealized version of a flawless her than on her her actual self) of That One Special Girl.

 

That One Special Girl

What if I told you it wasn't her you liked, quite so much as it was the suspense of not knowing if you'd get her or not, and the dream of some day succeeding?

I remember when I was a little boy, and there was this series of toys called "Monster in My Pocket." I was addicted to them. The way the "Monster in My Pocket" series worked was, you'd buy a box of monsters, but you never knew which ones you were going to get. I had a fold-out pamphlet that showed all the monsters you could get... but there were a few I just never could seem to find.

Well, I kept buying and buying boxes of monsters, always really excited, always hoping I'd finally get the ones I wanted to get. Sometimes I was disappointed, but sometimes I'd have a triumphant victory and get one of those long-awaited missing monsters.

Looking back on my childhood, most of the toys I had the strongest emotional ties to were like this. There was the "Trash Bag Bunch," a bunch of toys that came in dissolvable "trash bags" you had to toss into the water to find out which toy you got. There were Marvel Comics cards, where you never knew which cards you got until you opened up the pack.

Those were the things I stayed up at night, hoping and dreaming about, as a little boy. I wanted to get them.

Getting powerful, obsessive feelings about something -- anything, whether toys or women or anything else -- seems to come from these few things:

  1. Find something you want (a cool toy, a girl you like)

  2. Find yourself unable to get it right away

  3. Begin working and struggling to get it, still not succeeding

  4. Still want it enough that you keep trying

  5. Still continue feeling close enough to getting it that you keep trying

  6. Keep trying

  7. Keep investing more and more, never quite getting it, but always feeling close

  8. Start thinking about it more and more, obsessing over it

  9. Nothing else comes along to break you of that obsession

  10. This process goes on and you continue chasing, growing ever more obsessed

This is what seems to happen with guys. It's why I find I frequently need to tell guys don't chase women; because the very act of chasing makes the thing you chase become more and more valuable to you as you become ever more invested in it.

I speak from experience. But I'll spare you details -- instead, I'll just tell you the end.

A few months back, I was showing some pictures on my computer to my girlfriend, when she noticed a folder marked "Girls." She was understandably intrigued, and asked me what it was. I, not particularly caring either way about showing her this old folder from years ago, decided there was no harm in opening it up.

In it were pictures of girls I'd had crushes on when I was younger... including That One Special Girl, a girl I'd pined over... wait for it... for eight years.

Yeah, you read that write, not a typo. Almost a decade of my life, spent pining over one girl. *Ahem*, anyway, back to the story...

To me, for about a decade, that girl had been the most incredible, amazing, special, perfect woman on Earth. I constantly over that 8 years had tried to wrest control of my mind -- I tried pointing out to myself that she was fallible; that she wasn't really all that much more special than other girls; that she was busily getting shagged by other men and wasn't exactly waiting for me, and I should move on to. But I couldn't. She was the ultimate goal of my entire being.

So, there I was a few months back, sitting there with my girlfriend, looking at this girl who'd once seemed for a large portion of my life like the one good, shining thing in the world, and the one thing I wanted above all else, seven years removed from those feelings and that obsession that once commanded the majority of my free time, mentally.

"Who's that girl? She's ugly," said my girlfriend, not knowing anything about her.

"Ugly?" I said, a little stunned.

"Yes! Look at her!" she said. I hadn't looked at the girl's picture in a long time. And, in what was a truly strange and surreal moment, I looked -- and I saw what she meant.

Here was this girl who'd to me been the most beautiful girl in the world for a very long time. And a lot of people in my school did consider her one of the most beautiful girls in school. And I suppose, compared to everyone else there, she was one of the best.

But I noticed, later in life, that her friends weren't all that hot. "That's odd," I remember thinking, "usually hot girls have hot friends. Strange."

But as my girlfriend pointed this out to me, I suddenly viewed that girl's pictures in a much starker, more objective light than perhaps I ever had. And, while I wouldn't say she was ugly, I also wouldn't say she really was anything all that special. She was just better than most of the other girls in my class... which wasn't saying much.

It felt like waking up from a dream.

I remember years ago checking that girl's Facebook page to see what she was doing with her life, and seeing that she got her Bachelor's degree from a fairly good school, she was hanging out with friends in her spare time, still living in our home city, and doing some entry-level work at a real estate agency.

Totally normal, usual stuff. Nothing special, unique, amazing, or exceptional about her. She's not bad, not good, just a normal, ordinary person.

How in God's name did I end up spending a decade of my life sitting in a corner obsessing about her though while she was out living her (rather ordinary) life?

can't stop thinking about her

 

The Nature of Obsession

From Dictionary.com:

ob•ses•sion [uhb-sesh-uhn]
noun
1. the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.

Now, properly directed, I don't think that obsession is necessarily a bad thing.

If you're using obsession with something like business or art or science to create something that truly improves your life or gives back to mankind, that's a good thing.

If, however, you're obsessing over a girl, and you simply can't stop thinking about her, that's something else entirely.

Riddle me this: how often does obsession over someone seem romantic to that person?

Answer: only when the feeling is mutual, and when the obsessed is incredibly charming, smooth and suave.

Thing is, most charming, smooth, suave guys don't get obsessed, and most guys who get obsessed aren't charming, smooth, or suave -- and quite often the reason why they're so obsessed is because the girl doesn't feel the same way and they aren't together.

That was the case for me, and if you've got a girl you're all tied up in knots over, I'm betting that's probably the case for you as well.

Is this kind of fixation healthy?

I'll put it in perspective for you: if one of your good friends came to you and told you there was this girl that he really, really liked and really, really wanted, you'd probably say okay, yeah, sure -- you should ask her out, man.

But what would you say if he came to you 2 weeks later and said he really liked her, but he still hadn't asked her out?

How about a month later?

How about 2 months later?

At what point would you tell him, "Listen man, this girl's becoming poison for you. You're wasting all your time obsessing over this girl you're never going to do anything with. Cut it out and move on?"

For a good friend of yours, this would probably happen when:

  • He's been talking about this girl for a long time but not doing anything
  • You can tell he's building her up in his head to unrealistic levels
  • He's fixating on her to the exclusion of cute girls around him who like him

That's the point where you're usually going to say, "Dude, man, chill out, forget this girl, and let's go meet some new girls together."

In the movies, they like to show how the guy's friend says that to him, but no, he's determined to get her, and then he goes and turns it around and it's amazing and him and this girl end up marrying and they spend the rest of their lives together in joyful, fairytale bliss.

That's the movies. Real life is not like that... it's way, way better.

In real life, you drop that girl you were obsessing over, go out, meet new girls, and end up with a lot of beautiful, awesome girlfriends. Maybe even one day one such beautiful, awesome girlfriend happens to come across a picture of that girl you used to obsess over, and offhandedly remarks, "Who's that? She's ugly." Much better than sitting in the corner, moping and obsessing forever.

But, it is harder to do than keeping your fixation. It's going to take some willpower, because at that point, you're fighting obsession.

What happens when you've gotten this idea stuck in your head of That One Special Girl is that she becomes the only thing that will do. You have to have her. You can't stop thinking about her, and no other girl is good enough, and no other girl measures up to her. She's perfection personified.

And here's the funny thing about the girl you're obsessed with:

You never, ever do anything with her.

Isn't that funny? You fantasize so much about how you'd like to:

  • Talk to her
  • Spend time with her
  • Take her on a date
  • Make love to her
  • Take her on some romantic adventure
  • Be with her all the time

... and yet you don't do any of those things. You don't even try, most of the time.

Why is that?

 

Perchance to Dream

There's a quote that I think accurately sums up the predicament most men in pursuit of That One Special Girl would do well to heed (I sure could've benefited from doing so):

All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.

- T.E. Lawrence

Here's the situation of the man who dreams by night:

There he lays, late at night, after another day of no action taken on the course to making his dreams turn into a reality, thinking about how much he'd like some day for his dreams to come true.

It's an insidious thing, this expanding infatuation. It creeps up on you like a slow-growing affliction... at first it isn't more than a hint and a whisper -- a thought of her here, a memory of her there. But time passes, and it spreads and grows, and before long you wake up one day and realize the thought of this one girl, of getting her and making her yours, has become the center point of your existence; you find this new obsession consuming you.

That's what happened to me anyway, and that affliction of my nocturnal fantasies became my whole world for a very long time. It was almost like an 8-year prison sentence, for my mind.

But the mind wants to be free. It doesn't want to be held prisoner by a hint and a whisper.

There's one other thing it wants though, too, and sometimes that one thing is more important to it than freedom; that thing is hope.

And even then, right when I was in the thick of my obsession with That One Special Girl, right when I couldn't stop thinking about her to save my life, I also knew that I valued the idea of her, and the dream that I might one day get her, more than her herself. I almost didn't want to go talk to her, because I knew that if I lost hope I could get her, I didn't know what else I could do.

I needed her there as a light in the darkness.

At least, that's what I thought. But as I was fixating on her, I was also turning down some very pretty girls who wanted dates with me, because I couldn't get my mind off this one girl.

If a buddy of yours told you he was turning down dates with nice, pretty girls because he couldn't stop thinking about some other girl who was out busily dating other guys, what would you tell him to do?

Yeah, that's right -- you'd tell him to forget that one girl, and go date the ones in front of him. Sure, maybe they're not quite as good as her -- but man, it'll do him some good:

  • Dating different girls will give him dating momentum -- instead of inertia
  • Dating different girls will remind him he's an attractive guy that women like
  • Dating different girls will sharpen his skill set with women
  • Dating different girls might even help him make the girl jealous that he likes

Sounds pretty reasonable, right?

Well, how would you feel if you told me there's this one girl that you can't stop thinking about -- and I told you to do exactly this?

can't stop thinking about her

 

Can't Stop Thinking About Her? ... Now You Can

As you might surmise from the tone of this post, I'm not going to suggest that the way you deal with That One Special Girl is by getting her.

Because I verily believe that if you were really going to go get her, you'd have gotten her by now.

Trust me, I've coached legions of men over the past 5 or 6 years, many of whom were trying to get That One Special Girl. I tried, and tried, and tried to help them succeed at that goal. I told them exactly what they needed to do, down to the letter. It didn't work. It never does. Never. And every guy thinks he's different, and he's the one who's going to finally succeed at getting That One Special Girl where every other guy has failed, and he never, ever does. Ever. So I get asked the same questions again and again: "How do I get That One Special Girl?" and no matter how many times I tell the guy, it doesn't work.

The problem isn't that the guy was inept with women. Oftentimes, these are attractive, likable guys. And it wasn't that the girl was some stony-hearted ice queen. Usually she liked the guy at some point... maybe even chased after him, like that girl I was caught up on for 8 years initially did with me.

The problem is that when you get highly emotionally invested in a woman, you will trip over your emotions with her every single time. You'll make mistakes that guys who don't have those same attachments to her don't make. You hesitate when you should act. You value her so highly that you don't want to mess things up... and precisely because of that, her attraction for you expires and she loses interest, never to have it return.

Therefore, the solution to the That One Special Girl problem is not "do this and that and the other thing, and then she's yours!"

The solution, instead, as unromantic as it might sound, is this:

  1. First, recognize that learning how to get girls is a skill. It isn't an inborn trait or ability that some guys have and some guys lack. And when you're sitting around pining away for That One Special Girl -- and not talking to her or other girls, dating girls, pushing to make things happen with girls -- you're backsliding while the rest of the world moves ahead. Instead of making progress, you're falling behind.

  2. Next, recognize you're caught up and over-invested in a girl who isn't yours. Much as you might like her, and much as you might wish her to be yours... she ain't. Now, I'm not much of one for ownership of women, but if you're going to think of women as being "yours" or "not yours," you should at least consider that the man who's actually physically sleeping with That One Special Girl is needless to say going to be the one who commands the most sway over her.

    You may not want to hear that, but yeah... no matter how much she means to you, her lover (whether you know about him or not... and if you pine for her long enough without the two of you getting together, trust that she will have a guy who's hers while you're waiting patiently by not being with her) has got a lot more influence over her than some guy she knows who's pining away for her late at night. See "The Sad Tale of Shopping Guy" and that post linked to above on not chasing women for more on what happens when you're "that guy" sitting there dreaming of a girl.

  3. If you find yourself white knighting, recognize that it's self-interested. Many guys who pine also tend to think, "Oh, if only I could save her from all those other bad men out there and give her what she really deserves!" I know, I was guilty of it. Well, realize that this isn't out of pureness, goodness, or charity -- it's because you want her to be yours, and not some other guy's. Nothing charitable about it -- it's self-interestedness at its finest, masquerading as kindness and goodness. Knock that off -- can't save her unless you save yourself first. Which brings us to our next point...

  4. Next, start meeting new women. This means talking to lots of girls; it means getting out there regularly, being sociable, and actively pursuing new women. So long as you stay in that bubble where the last woman you actively pursued was That One Special Girl, trust me, you won't be able to stop thinking about her at all. Maybe not even for 8 years... egad. How'd I let that happen to myself? It really does creep up on you. Don't let it -- meet new girls pronto.

  5. Next, start pushing for the close with women -- lots of women. That means:

      •   You need to ask a girl out
      •   You need to get her phone number
      •   You need to take her on a date
      •   You need to invite her home
      •   You need to escalate physically and you need to close out the last 5%
      •   And all this you must do before her escalation windows close.

Sound tough? That's why you approach this like a skill. Because when you're trying to do all this with That One Special Girl, when you haven't developed that skill yet, you're simply not going to be able to.

I've seen it over and over and over again. If you haven't nurtured the skill to succeed with women in yourself, you can't magically make it happen in this one special instance. That's like taking a guy who's never bothered to learn how to play baseball, tossing him into the World Series, and asking him to hit a couple of homeruns 4 games straight and win the championship.

If you're not a pro and you don't know what you're doing just yet, you can't just magically turn a switch and transform into Babe Ruth just because you're in a high-pressure situation where now you really need to be able to perform. It doesn't work that way.

Instead, you go out, and you work at it, methodically. You get better, one day at a time.

And then, before you know it, you look around one day, and realize that That One Special Girl no longer seems so special. You realize that you're now surrounded by women a lot more special than she was -- but they're the ones who can't stop thinking about you.

If you can't stop thinking about her, recognize that all you've got to do is go bring some new women into your life, and before you know it, you'll be way too busy thinking about all of them to worry about that girl you weren't even together with -- that girl who wasn't even yours. You'll realize that she was just a hint and a whisper -- but these girls you're with now, these girls are real.

You've got the tools you need to get started. You've got this site, with its scads and scads of articles on here. I pointed you to a number of links in this article above that should help you get going. You can check out the homepage for more basics for helping you get started. You can grab a copy of my ebook, which presents all the nuts and bolts you need to know about women and dating in step-by-step format to get all the information you need in your fingertips and get you going right away, and provides you with homework to get you taking action immediately.

And most of all, you've got yourself. If you read nothing else at all on pick up or seduction ever again, so long as you get out there and talk to new girls and push to close, even when you're not sure a girl will say "yes," you'll end up revamping your dating life so completely you won't even recognize yourself before you know it.

And maybe someday, somewhere in the world, you'll have some beautiful young girl who loves you very much gazing over your shoulder at a picture of that girl you used to not be able to stop thinking about, and she'll ask you, "Who's that?"

And you'll look at her, smile, and tell her that's nobody.

Yours,
Chase Amante

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Comments

M's picture

Even worse if that girl is


Even worse if that girl is just your type and you feel a connection with her, that makes you so confident that you feel it's just impossible to reject you -> you rationalize everything she does in your favor, when she's just playing you.

One girl I met who was just playing me, actually told me: "I wouldn't talk to you like that if I thought of you as a partner. And you just allowed me to talk like that." Which made A LOT of sense for me. Now I think "is she trying to make me spend more time with her, or she actually wants me?"

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Even worse if that girl is

Author

Hey M, totally man. Those can be confusing.

You can avoid wondering altogether if you're strict about only scheduling dates that are going to move things forward with you and the girl, and declining all things that aren't going to accomplish that. Girls who aren't interested screen themselves out, and girls who are interested screen themselves in.

Cheers man,
Chase

Anonymous's picture

I disagree


Don't you think that some of the effort you put into those long years of dreaming would give you at least part of what you tried for.for example, a kindergarten teacher says she is giving a cookie to the best worker. You try harder then anyone else for a long time, but in the end you end up with fudge. You like fudge just as much if not more then cookies but you realize that what you had been trying to get this whole time you didn't even end up with. The discouragement is in the fact that you expected a cookie, but ended up with something that wasn't your main goal. My point is there should still be a chance, but don't let it linger on for too long. Instead, put it all in one gift or something and say if she wants to be with you then horray, but if she doesn't, move on. There are also advantages of being this way. If she asks you a question like; "am I like able?" It triggers some sort of spark though you body as you start searching for the right thing to say. As your mind looks, you think of the good things that could come from the right answer. I sti agree with what you saying, but if you try hard enough, at some point. You could get what you want.

lewis's picture

womans way


At age 22 till up in the age I was in the league with don juan married girls older girls name em all races since ive decided to get real n find one to be with for good they all hate me now iam stuck one one that has a fiancee but acts like she wants me but cant make a decision I haven't had relations with her which is crazy for me to want her without sampleing

Matthew's picture

Great article


I think that was one of your best articles. I have a certain girl in mind, but I'm not obsessed like that lol. I'm still open to metting other girls. I guess I'm really attracted to her because she's really hot ; she's a part-time model, and most of my friends think that she's the hottest woman that they have seen. Also, Chase, I kinda have a big problem, and I don't know if I can fix it in some way : I'm only attracted to VERY, very beautiful women. I'm super picky, and it seems I can't do anything about it. It sucks, because of that reason I don't have many targets.
Do you have any tips for that?

(By the way, english is not my first language, but I did my best ;) ! )
I'm gonna say it again, this post is great, Chase. it made me realize quite a lot of stuff!

Thanks!

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Only liking very beautiful girls

Author

Hey Matthew,

Glad you liked the post so much, man. The only-liking-very-hot-girls one is tough, to be sure. There's really two schools of thought on this one:

  • Keep your focus to beautiful girls only; they're the ones you want, so they're the ones you should concentrate on learning how to talk to and date.
  • Expand your focus to all girls you find "attractive enough" -- and even some you don't. Getting a lot of experience in a hurry and building momentum into your dating life is more important than being picky.

It's going to be different for everyone, but for me anyway I think somewhere in the middle is optimal. I also tend to be pretty picky, but most of the guys I learned my game from were guys who'd just as soon go to bed with an ugly girl as a beautiful one, and they'd bed many of both. There's a certain utility of being willing to settle for something less than what you'd normally go for; you get to train yourself up faster and get more of an abundance mentality faster. I still think it's important that you're focusing much of your time on women you're very attracted to, when you can find them, because those are the ones you want to do best with anyway and the ones you'll be happiest about having in your life.

Chase

Alex1's picture

I agree with you matthew,


I agree with you matthew, this is definitely one of chase's best articles (i've only read 2 so far but he seems like an absolute genius to me so thank you chase) I feel the same way in the sense of only liking girls that are basically 15's on a 1-10 scale (10 being the highest). I too really like this one girl but am also open to other women and have trouble finding the few that meet my standards so to speak. This site has been very helpful so far and i am definitely thinking about everything in a new light. Thank you again chase for all your time and articles, I'll definitely follow your advice man. I really appreciate that you want to help other guys rather than just keep your strategies to yourself so just keep doing what you're doing and I know you'll end up changing a lot of peoples lives for the better

Anonymous J's picture

What do I do now?


It's been a year, and I really really REALLY like this girl. She knows that I like her a lot, and initially, she indirectly(as in, gave me a hint) said that she would've dated me if I was in her grade(shes a year older). Then, months passed, and one day, when I asked her if she'd date me when we go to college, she said 'maybe'. That gave me hope. Its been a long time since that... Weird thing about her is, she doesn't like 'cheesy' and 'emotional' stuff that works with other girls. She says that stuff 'freaks her out'. Anyways, now, Im CRAZY for her, and she just doesn't want me anymore. Shes a really nice girls so she doesn't say it, but I feel like she just does not want me anymore in her life. :(

P.S - I'm not THAT attractive, but Im good enough to have a couple girls having crushes on me. :P

dexter's picture

nice advice made me think


nice advice made me think alot about my life and why i obsess over my ex girl that i fucked up on and through a series of events made her cheat on me.... whatever though your right and im grateful for you putting up this article or what ev thanks much love
(no Homo)

Anonymous's picture

Girl


I can't stop thinking about this girl who sits next to me in class. She is stunning and a really nice girl and she looks very pretty the way she dresses.. She is very sexually appealing and cant build up the courage to talk to her and i really would do anything. Thought of her kissing me gets me weak at the knees.
I need to take your advice but too transfixed on this girl.

Anonymous's picture

Can't stop thinking about her


Chase, I followed your articles and book as best as I could.... and things totally worked out! I got together with this girl on the first night, and I had known her maybe a day. I had no idea things could move so fast if you just make every action one that moves things forward. Problem is that one-night-stands aren't really my thing, and I liked the connection I made with the girl. I'd love to date her, and maybe more, but she started giving me the whole, "I had a great time with you, but I'm just really busy"-talk. She even followed it up with a, "And that's not a stupid excuse either. You should check out my schedule sometime!" So, great, now I've invested in her, and, as far as I can tell, she's not interested in me. And, I can't stop thinking about her! The only thing I can think to do is start the process all over again, and try to find another girl. I just can't think of what I did wrong. But, hey, the first half worked out, so thanks, Chase, for all the help. I certainly wouldn't have made any moves or gotten this far without your book.

Beta's picture

Re: Can't stop thinking about her


I think I'm on the same boat as you Anon. Been with this girl for 3 dates, brought her back to my place for the 3rd date and it was amazing. Before reading this post by Chase (which is really awesome btw), I was starting to feel anxious of the "what ifs" like what if she doesn't want to see me again because she's already bored of me. We agreed to see each other two weeks from now but now I'm leaning on the mentality that its cool even if this next date does not happen, I can still go out and find other girls, instead of anxiously waiting for the next date to happen and continuously building up my expectations for the next time that we meet.

I also think this mindset plays as an important role as to how you want to project yourself towards women. For example, as how I understand Chase' article, you don't want to be obsessed that it eats you up, I'm pretty sure you also don't want to be perceived as an obsessed guy by women, unless of course as mentioned, that the feeling is mutual.

Instead I'd rather be perceived as this "James Bond" type of guy who is interested (to spend time w/ her) but might or might not be there the day after. And I think keeping this mysterious uncertainty about yourself can possibly keep you "interesting" that women end up chasing you, instead of the other way around.

But I guess that still depends on the type of women that you are seeing, and it still depends on your own personal preference if you want women to look at you this way.

Jak's picture

I can totally relate here, I


I can totally relate here, I just started seeing this girl last month, we've been out twice and things are went great. Problem is I find myself thinking about her all the time and totally over-analyzing everything. I know that by doing that the chances of totally screwing it up are rising. Got any tips on how to take a step back so I can just be me?

Cabizzle's picture

Thank you so much


Very insightful article, found out that it can't be healthy to hold on to this obsession much longer. It's just so hard. I tried making last night the last night I think about her, look at her pictures, and obsess over her, and then the pains and struggles of having to face the reality that I can never see her again and this is finally goodbye was too much, and I already relapsed on her tonight.

One thing that really gets me down about this article is when you say that you can never, ever be with "that one special girl", even way later once your obsession is gone and you have dating experience. I like to think that, yeah, I will try to get over you, it'll be hard and painful, but I can do it eventually. And then, MAYBE later in life, once I'm able to look at her objectively (of course this just would happen if we happen to run into each other) that we can actually give it a fair shot. I really want this to happen. It seems like this is going to be the only way I can truly get over her, if for now, I can live with the hope that maybe later in life we can be together. And if we do happen to connect we can have a shot at true love. Without this hope I won't be able to face the sad truth that I will NEVER be with her. But, then again, I do see how holding onto this belief would prevent me from fully getting over her. I don't want to forget about her completely, I just don't want to be overly obsessed to where it's detrimental to my life/well being.

What I want, and I don't even know if this can happen, is for us to go out there, date other people, both gain the dating experience, and then maybe at a high school reunion or something we can give it a shot. If we gave it a shot now, for one I couldnt rid myself of the anxiety of making a mistake and losing my perfect girl, and two since were both not very experienced in the dating world were both not ready to call it quits so early and tie yourself down to one person. We'd be more apt to be ready for that later after gaining experience. Of course, thats not what I REALLY want. What I really want is her, right now and forever. Even though I haven't gone out and dated tons of girls yet, for some reason I'd be totally fine (more than fine actually. Its all I want) with settling down with her so early. But, that's irrational. Plus, I dont even know her. Truely know her. I never actually had a good conversation with her past the usual small talk that accompanies first meetings. So I guess by writing this Ive come to the realization that it's probably not good to want to settle down and marry you already, without even getting to know you first. All I want is the chance to get to know you, to give it a shot.

I feel very guilty about doing this to her. Its incredibly creepy. But I just hate the thought that I'm gonna see her picture 6 years down the road, and just consider her as ordinary, or something that I dont even want to pursue anymore. Right now, the only way I can let myself try and forget about you is if I promise myself that maybe later in life we can give it a fair shot, creepy obsession not involved this time. Is that healthy?? I know its probably not the best way to get over her the fastest, but really, it could happen. I could see her 6 years from now, still think shes one of the most beautiful girls to grace this earth, and actually try to approach her this time. It would be different because we'd both have the experience and previous feelings and misconceptions wouldn't be present this time. Thats all I want. After mulling over you for the past 5 years of my life, beating myself up for every day I don't act, and having it be the number 1 thing I regret in my life, can't we at least try and see what happens when I'm over all this stuff?

I realize that I must get over her if I want my best shot at getting her later in life. I'm tired of living in a fantasy. If I held on to these feelings and tried to pursue you I'd fail miserably, I'd feel like this is my one and only shot and then I'd screw up for sure. How could I not with all that pressure? But If I'm able to get over you, then later if I see you I'd actually have a pretty decent chance.

Is it bad to hold this notion? Should I just try and push it out of my mind, tricking myself into believing that I'll never ever be with her? Because, realistically, there's always a chance that 6 years from now we'll be looking back at this together and laughing at it. I'm sure it wouldn't be the first time someone lost their high school sweet heart and then reunited later in life. But, thanks to my anxiety, you were never even my sweet heart.

Hahah, I just realized I kind of used this comment as a way to write down my feelings, in a way that was directed towards her.

Sorry, but please, if you could, respond to this post and give me your honest advice. I'm sure you have a pretty good notion of what I'm going through right now.

I know I have to get over her, but I dont want to ever completely forget, and there to be a 0% chance that it can ever happen later in life.

Katie's picture

Hi Cabizzle:0) I have just


Hi Cabizzle:0)
I have just read your comment and I am so sorry you have been passing through all this...I am in similar position .Who knows if not even more difficult than yours -looks like you are still single and very young ,the same the girl you love....What I think is -if you are in love with her and you feel you have ,both ,special connection-you should just talk to her ,try to get her and start dating so this opportunity doesn`t pass you by.I am in much worse situation as I am married and have children .We keep this marriage ONLY for the wellbeing of our kids,there is no love and I doubt there has ever been.I got into a relationship having no experience ,at all....he decided to stay with me because I got pregnant ....but this is called taking a responsibility and not love.I just thought :if he wants to be a daddy than I`m sure he will be a good one for my daughter and we got married .Cold approach to the life.
My husband is a devoted catholic - he does nothing to hurt GOD ...bla blabla...
I have told him long time ago to keep things as they are but to be open to the true love...It is not because I was tempted by other men before ,not at all!!! I knew already that there`s no love ,no passion between us and soon or later ,one of us can face it and it would give a temptation to cheat ...but if you know in advance that you can ...it`s not cheating anymore .You are prepared and know you don`t need to feel guilty because you fell in love... I know it looks like cheating your kids but it is still better than a divorce...we still could do a ``good job`` as parents but feeling loved ....ok anyway:I ended up with a massive crush on another man.
It is an amazing feeling ...I`m 37 ``feeling 17``:0)....it started last year in April or around....it gets worse and worse to the point it became an obsession to me and life is impossible to carry on without that guy....This is incredible ,sacred ....cosmic???...I got crazy! I cannot read any book ...have difficulties studying ...forgot half of the things I already knew...horrible.
I cannot do anything with it...anything.All I can have is the opportunity to look into his eyes ,or hear his voice ,see him .....dream about him...and write cheesy poems ``to him``.....and I have an impression that if I don`t do anything -I will let my soul mate go, and will never see him again....even in 6 years .I found something special ,something UNIQUE ...my missing half ...and I have to let him go...it seems like life has been teasing me ,tempting me and watching for my decision...what will it be?
On the one hand I can betray my husband and be happy with the man I love? betrayal is betrayal .My husband is loyal to me or rather he is loyal to GOD...he doesn`t want to hurt GOD by betraying me......but still....if he loved me at least a bit.....
On the other - I won`t give in to this feeling ,if I don`t try - It will be always chasing me with a guilt that I gave up on someone so special to me This is for some people an easy thing to judge :
``lets hung the traitor!``...but things sometimes are complicated this way .I have never understood it before ,but now I do -this is the lesson I got from all this mess :do not judge others because there are reasons behind someone`s actions ....or reasons why people feel this or other way......
I know it is too much writing ...Cabizzle -you love your girl -ask her out NOW!!! :0)...You are free ,you CAN do it!!! Think of all those who love and CANNOT even SHOW it or talk about it ...because it`s forbidden for some....
GO THERE AND GET HER NOW!!!...
Katie

Anonymous's picture

have you tried talking to


have you tried talking to her? Sometimes girls are mysterious and don't reveal their feelings.. You don't have anything to lose... WHATEVER HAPPENDS HAPPENDS.. GO FOR IT. TRUST YOUR HEART.. 600 MILES OR MILLION MILES..IT DOESN'T MATTER..

Cabizzle's picture

thanks for the reply


Katie,
I appriciate your help and concern with my situation! The thing is I know its not TRUE love. yes, it has to be a type of love, but because I dont even know her, basically next to nothing about her personality, likes, dislikes, that it cannot be true love. Rather, it sounds just like what this author is describing, an obsession.
And alas, she is away at college, probably about 600 miles away, its hopeless now. And on top of that, i'm riddled with all sorts of my own problems that would probably be a stress to our relationship as well. Depression, anxiety, some ocd thoughts, and just recovering from a 3 year on and off drug habit. nothing too serious, but still, when I try for her I want to be in completely a 100% normal and natural mindset. I know I have my chance with her if I wait.
It just scares me that the author stated if I'm able to get over her, which he says we all probably should, then I might never feel this same way about her again. I dont know if i agree with this however, i truly believe that no matter what, she will always hold a special place in my heart. However, if I go for her now, all those problems I listed would be holding me back. If i wait till I settle all of those, then most likely I wont be completely obsessed anymore, and have a way better chance to take a step back and approach her without the do or die mindset I'd have now. If i went now Id be too incredibly nervous that if I screw this up then I'll never have the chance, which would cause me to perform less than admirably.
If i could go back and change one thing in my life, it would be to go back to freshman year, first day, and grab her right from the get go. The drugs I was on throughout highschool were clouding my mind from my true feelings for her, and didnt really realize how serious they were until I stopped getting high all the time.
On top of that, shes never really had a boyfriend before. Ive had numerous girlfriends, but nothing ever anything too serious. While we could end up being eachothers first love if I went now (and succeeded, mind you I feel like I have less than a 5% chance of that), the chances of us staying together forever would be slim. As much as I hate to say it, and as much as its gonna hurt me seeing pictures of her with other guys, if we both play the field first then later in life if we ever meet up we'd have a greater chance of having something much greater and lifelong then we would have now.
But then again, as the author stated, once I start going out there and dating other women, my feelings for her might fade over time, and then I would never get the chance. And you are right, I am pretty young, to me this seems just like a childhood first love, not the true feelings that true love is suppossed to bring.
Of course I want her and of course all I want is just to give us a chance, but really, what am I suppossed to say??
I had this huge crush all the way through highschool, never acted on it, and now I regret it. Oh and I stare at your pictures so much now that I think I have fallen into some type of love with you.
Looking at it objectivly like that she would probably think it was the creepiest thing ever, and since she never felt the same way about me (it was never mutual), my chances of her choosing me, some random guy that wasnt even her friends in highschool, over all the possibilities that come through college, are slim to none. Seriously though, what would she say to that?? Shed probably say something like, "wow, you didnt even know me. you really should just get over me and move on", and probably forever think of me as that creepy stalker guy from highschool.
I hate this situation. I should of acted on my feelings back in highschool and not been so hestitant.
While I want more than anything to get together with her now, as you can tell my chances are pretty low. The best chance I have is through fate. Hopefully fate will bring us together later in life when Im fully recovered, we can both look back and laugh at this, and then try our chances at true love to see if we really are meant for eachother.

As for your situation, Im so sorry to hear that! you should really talk to your husband about it, as Im sure he knows there is not any more true love in your relationship. He will understand, but its the kids im worried about. As bad as it sounds, maybe you should just have an "affair" type thing with that guy you are talking about so you dont lose him. Although, I guess it wouldnt be an affair cuz you would tell you husband about it. You guys would just have to put on a show for the kids, which by the way is very respectable of you.
If you know there is no love left in your previous relationship, and think this new guy could be your soul mate, definatly do not let this chance pass you up!! please dont make my same mistake, trust me you will regret it for years to come. And along with those feelings of regret are feelings of deep sorrow, lonliness, hopelessness, and depression. NO fun.
Try to work something out. Im sure your husband will understand as you stated there is no love left in your relationship.

Good luck, thanks for your reply, and keep me posted!

Katie's picture

Hi Cabizzle:0) Thanks for


Hi Cabizzle:0)
Thanks for advice:0)
Look ,I was thinking about you....if you don`t do ANYTHING right now ,this girl will be in your mind for long time ,maybe even preventing you from building a beautiful relationship with someone else,never know...because you have never tried anything with her!It will be like chasing a ``dream girl``....not gooood(
I used to have an Italian friend ,few years older than me.He met a girl ,once ,fell in love with her ,was running behind her ,etc etc ...all bla bla....she couldn`t date him although he was really really sweet....but anyway -he was dating girls later in his life but was comparing them to that girl who he was in love with years ago and they never passed the ``comparison test``..... now he is still single!!!.....and trust me I know if he tried harder ,if he pushed a bit more he would have gotten that girl.He would build a happy family -OR soon or later he would find out that she is not a perfection and she has her issues etc etc THAT HE DOESN`T STAND - what I `m trying to say is -he could have get rid off his ``obsession`` with that girl .
It is like a lesson....somehow.Nobody is perfect and this girl of yours is not an exemption.Go and get her !Find out she is not all that fantastic and beautiful you were seeing her and you will ,naturally,be free of your infatuation.See?
How simple?
And with regard to my marriage ...hmmmm....I kind of told my husband I fell in love with someone .He wasn`t angry (?!?)...and he`s usually quite aggressive....but he simply said he would take kids away from me if he finds out I`m ``f...ng`` (sorry but that`s what he used() anyone behind his back.
So -he likes his ``slave Isaura``)))...but I won`t worry now -I will leave it for later)))....who cares?..life is beautiful,this is all so small .
So please don`t stress yourself over another human ,please don`t forget she IS A HUMAN LIKE YOU !!!....NOBODY BETTER !!!!she makes poo like you ,she rolls her hair up and looks like an alien freak ))))....she breaks winds !!!!
and all other stuff ......try not to imagine her licking ice lolly though -you are in control of your mind ,don`t imagine her naked because it will be worse.
Imagine her but funny way and it will be over .Good .I`m done !
I should open my own sex business now hahaaaa))))......
Right and who would read that?
Uhhhh!!!...I fogot to tell you that if you wait for being PERFECT YOU ,with perfect income ,with perfect health to approach the girl -FORGET IT.
It never comes ...EVERYTHING IS ALREADY PERFECT !!!!!! Open your eyes and see it !!!!.....we ARE perfect the way we are ...she will just help you to enjoy all that ...if she falls in love with you she can give you strength to overcome your fantasies (she will be your fantasy )))....she will help you with your addiction to video games ...or drugs....she can help you to boost your income ))))....
And yes you are right that it`s difficult to say ``true love`` while you do not REALLY know the person you`re ``in love with``.In love is not the same as LOVE,isn`t it.You can really say you are in love with a girl not knowing her yet .....falling in love might be a beginning to love....now the big mystery for me is this Soulmate thing ,because I feel like that man is mine ,that I should be with him .....it feels so so awkward to see him there in front of me ,talking to people ,doing his work etc ....and not being able to simply hug him ,hold him or stay close to him ....it`s so hard to pretend that I`m fine with all that because I am not.
You have the choice -I don`t seem to have any.You -go for it!
I won`t and I know already this is the biggest mistake ....maybe I could make him a happy man ...for some reasons I couldn`t make my husband happy .Maybe just becuase he IS NOT MINE ....
That was too much ...but good to talk to you:0) KEEP SMILING :0)))))))
Don`t forget that you are PERFECT :)))))))))
xxxxxxx
katie

Andy's picture

Torn between letting her go and trying to get her back (somehow)


I am in a kind of similar situation. I saw a girl who made me all crazy about her. Although I knew she's far away from me, both physically and emotionally, I could not stop thinking of her, and still can't. Thinking of the fact that those emotions will fade away with time makes me somewhat disgusted and enraged, albeit it will relieve the heartache.

Nevertheless, fingers crossed for Katie and Cabizzle! May the luck be on your side!

Anonymous's picture

Shikira loves Andy


If you are the man I love, then you will know me well: Shikira. I am not sure if you are this man I can't get out of my head, yet I never feel that he and I will ever be more than distant faces.

Lust sick's picture

Man, I am going through this


Man, I am going through this right now! Totally and unbelievably obsessed, I really cannot get out of it, I'm blinded by her and what I want to happen. I would even settle for friendship just to have her in my life but she ignores me now that I've told her how I feel; and still with all the ignorance I can't stop hoping that maybe we could even be friends. She made me so happy and I just want that back, and the saddest part of all is that I've fallen into depression, I honestly don't have the strength to even smile and the desire to want her is driving me over the edge. I honestly don't know what to do or where to go. :(.

And the post is amazingly true, everything you mention is everything I have and am experiencing, its good to know that I am not alone in this, so I thank you for the post Chase.

NoBody's picture

You are Definitely not alone in this .


I am going through the same situation.. She know how I feel . it is Frustrating and Depressing .. I feel like I have no control over my life.. can't do anything.. lost interest in everything. feeling helpless.. I thought i'm stronger.. but I'm disappointed in myself.

Hope we can get out of this as soon as possible.. I want my life back.

katie's picture

Hi `` Lust Sick`` ....I hope


Hi `` Lust Sick`` ....I hope you are a bit better :0)

If you rearrange all letters in your ``name`` you can easily change it from a sad :``Lust Sick`` ...to a happy ``Cult Kiss``.....:0)
Life is like that - you are getting some ``HAPPY LETTERS`` but you build something upsetting -and all by yourself !!!
``Is the glass half empty ?..or is it -half FULL?``...
Look at your life and at your feelings - in a FULL WAY !!!
Does it make any sense ...?
Take care of yourself and please cheer up a bit:0)
I`m in a similar situation now ...and I think I`m getting addicted to this site brrr:0) ...but it`s kind of funnier than anatomy:0)

Lust Sick's picture

Hello Katie, Thank you for


Hello Katie,

Thank you for that, I am feeling a little better thanks but those dark days come back again to be completely truthful. I'm still not fully over her I don't think. Why what's your situation?

Katie's picture

Hi :0) I`m happy you got


Hi :0)
I`m happy you got better :0)
I am ``lust sick`` too....cannot act upon my desires as they are prohibited.
So I have been fighting with them for several months already ....and cannot see any results -things just get worse: I cannot sleep ,cannot focus on work on studies ....The universe is giving me some signs ,believe or not,that THIS GUY is someone too special to let him go ...funny because this craving of being close to Him brings me ``close to him ``the way nobody would believe ..the very fairy tale way - I do not believe it myself!....maybe I just got crazy,don`t know...but this is what love makes of you :a crazy ,lust sick Dumbo :0).
And this deep in love Dumbo will have to make the brain working somehow ....yep :just to find the ``on switch``in left hemisphere ,pronto:0)
Turn on the logic and put in my head that this is going to ``No Good Land``.
This overworking right half of brain tells me to get upset when I see him flirting with others...like he was mine .But I know he ISN`T and he WILL NOT BE because he CANNOT be ...he can do whatever he wants to ,date whoever he likes ,show off if he is proud of his new girlfriend and I have NOTHING to do with that...just keep on hiding my ``LUST`` ,get sick at home ,dream about him on my bed and falling asleep with ``Anatomy`` underneath my head...tough but what doesn`t kill you MAKES YOU STROOOOONGGGGERRRrrr.......beat it !!!I can DO IT !!! ...and YOU -CAN DO IT TOO!

We are ``super Power Can -Do -All ``ATOMIC KITTENS :0);)))))

By the way - I don`t think this kind of Love is given to all and I am even more grateful for letting me feel something so amazing ,although so painful in the same time. Like giving LIFE to your baby ...through so much pain.
Good luck ``Lust Sick`` and Take Care !:0)
xxx

Lust Sick's picture

Hello Katie, Thanks, but it


Hello Katie,

Thanks, but it comes and it goes, i'm suffering again.
prohibited in what way? mine was similar, it's harder when it's somebody you know you can't have, the ache and the longing becomes unbearable.

If he flirts with others without paying any attention to you just tell yourself he isn't worth it, why waste your time thinking and longing for him when maybe he doesn't feel the same? and the fantasies just make you believe
they are something their not.

And yeah I felt the same I was grateful for feeling something I had never felt before, but later after years had passed I wished I had never met her because the pain after she was gone was not equivalent to happiness I felt when she was there, it's not worth it, if I could undo time I gladly would.

Life can be so harsh at times.

Raj's picture

You just opened my eyes man.


You just opened my eyes man. I was living in a dream all this is time. I will from today, get rid of her from my head. Super useful post man.. Addressed my problems exactly ! You are a life saver !
*This advice changed my entire thought process .. Thanks a ton

Andy (again)'s picture

Letting her away although I don't want to


Well, I'm facing the truth. Somehow. I don't know why and don't know how. Having in mind that I, unlucky as I am regarding relationships and stuff, will never see her again totally destroyed me, but forcing myself to face it resulted in slowly letting her away. Licking wounds won't help me, right? Still, I wonder what could be if I see her again. Seems like I'll never let her go for real. Damn feelings.

Katie's picture

Hi Andy! So sorry to hear


Hi Andy!
So sorry to hear that and hope you will solve ``your problem``soon.
I`m actually sure YOU WILL :0)
My situation completely changed when I saw HIS other girlfriends....bleahhh....I have NOTHING against his girlfriends at all ,they are really nice and helpful towards others etc,lovely to talk to ....-I know that because some are my own ``friends`` ....and I have never had anything AGAINST other girlfriends as I knew who was with who much before he started showing them off...you know -the Outlier theory etc...
What really hurts is the fact he KNOWS how I feel ,he Knows its my friend (she`s so jealous :0) by the way).....whatever he intended with that silly trick -he got opposite: it is so wrong ,it made me feel low ,and I realized how much he actually cares about me knowing what I am passing through ,knowing ``I `m dying of love (?)``for him......see Andy ? - imagine HER with her boyfriends ,many of them,having wild sex and not caring about YOU AT ALL - BETTER EVEN - imagine HER having sex with your best friend smiling at you in the same time .....will work miracles!!! I guarantee !!!...and you know what you will feel? YOU WILL JUST GET ANGry - not at her ,you will be mad at yourself that you were so STUUUUPID and fell into someone so COLD AND HEARTLESS!
DONE - ARE YOU CURED already ? Because I AM - WISH YOU THE SAME !
Hurts a bit but only in the beginning ....then you get used to and start feeling HAPPY AGAIN!..and start giving MORE VALUE to yourself as NOBODY deserves to be treated like that! Watch yourself next time ....don`t fall for tricks and chase ONLY WHAT IS CHASE-ABLE...
All the best Andy ,to you and to all who are facing similar problems.
Take care:0)

J.B's picture

Wonderful read. Wish i had


Wonderful read. Wish i had read this before i went through this. Im glad someone can explain this in such an easy and well versed manner. Cheers Chase!

BW's picture

Using "the one" or "just friends" to your advantage?


Chase,

I'm working on a new theory in how to use girls like this to your advantage while developing game. Most of the time, these girls:

-like you as a person, even if it's not sexually
-are open and receptive to flirting and game, even if it's ultimately impossible to close with them.
-have most likely friend-zoned you, meaning you are a pillar in their life and they will still continue interacting with you no matter how many times you flub your game.

In other words, they're the perfect test bed for practicing your art between dates. I agree, the chance of closing on these girls is so remote that it should be considered impossible. If you can accept that, though--accept that you have, in your possession, a girl that will always be completely emotionally honest with you and always keep talking to you at your disposal--you can literally run absolutely any technique you want on her with no fear of rejection. Your worst nightmares are realized, buddy--she ain't goin home with you. Liberate yourself with that knowledge. She's still a woman and will still react like other women will all the way up to the last 5%. Just pop in star wars when you hit the final five and worry about closing when you're not practicing with your personal sparring partner.

The key to this, though, is legitimately giving up on her. Your article is right, chase--as long as your emotions for this girl are outpacing your skillset you don't stand a chance. Disappear until the feelings are gone and you're back in control of yourself and seeing other people and have significantly upped your skills since the last time you interacted with her. If you're not 100% in control, you'll just fall back in. Because of this, I recommend being at least intermediately confident in your game-beginners will not have made their new habits concrete enough to resist sacrificing them to regain the status quo.

I've started using this to magnificent effect. My "the one" lasted 6 years. 4 years off, and she's back in my life and ostensibly just as unattainable. The difference this time, though, is that my every interaction with her is another chance for me to experience and evaluate more situations without the pressure of trying to close. And if I blow it? Clam up, wait 1-3 days, and she's back again for another round of practice at my leisure.

Whatcha think, o sensei amante?

Anonymous's picture

Me too.


She's my closest friend. She helps me with my life. From emotional support to tangible things like painting the flat. I try to do the same and offer kindness back. We go way back, 23 years. When my mum died recently she was round right away and stayed the night, being cheery and sharing her own insights and experience. We like the same things, music, going out, politically and philosophically attuned. We're very close. I do think she is amazing. It's not just me who thinks this. It's great, except..

I've fallen for her. She's the closest thing to me I've ever found. While I sometimes think that the fact she exists and wants to be my friend means somewhere on the planet there's likely to be another chick who I could feel this way about who may want to be more than friends, I also feel that 47 years old is pretty late to expect to meet it. After all, I already met it.

All classic obsession so far, right?

We spend a lot of time together. She visits. I know we care about each other. But she doesn't seem to see me as anything more.

Sure there's other women I could date. Sometimes I do, tho nothing comes of it. They just ain't got what I need. And I tend to usually have a few larger ladies eager to put out, but I just don't fancy larger women .. Sorry, i just dont, though some I like as friends.

I hate that i must be coming across to her as someone who fancies her who she doesnt like in that way. I really don't want to be a drag to her, so I try do hard to stay positive and keep looking.

It's extremely frustrating. It's also extremely fortunate, a close close friend is cause for rejoicing, right?

I don't know what to do. So much of me tells me it's real and mutual ...based on our mutual actions ...yet other parts of me say I've missed the closure opportunity.

This has happened all my life so I know what happens next. I meet someone I don't like as much, it works and boom I'm in some relationship with someone I don't really like. I'm sick of that circle though. For once in my life I'd like to choose someone I really like and actually, you know, win her. This doesn't seem to be the outcome the way I live gives to me. Something masochistic about that.

I'm really fed up about this at the moment. I don't want to break things off. I don't want to lose her friendship, as there's so much else that's good about what we do together. The thing is I'm really really attracted by her, and she isn't by me, at least not in that way. She matters to me so much, and yet I've ended up in the friendship box, albeit as a friend she cares for very much too. Like I say, it's not all bad. I'm close friends with a super cool chick, so I must have something going on. She has other friends, right?

Damn but I know I'm gonna have to keep searching, hopefully with my fun friend in tow, offering the advice and kindness and mutual help I need to make the journey better. But I'd love to get to bed with this woman. Its upsetting overall. Most upsetting is that I'm probably messing up a good friendship because im so attracted because it is such a good friendship, and I always hoped to find a relationship that's got such a good feeling at the heart of it. Nothing lasts forever, but surely it's better to care than not to care.

I don't know how to break any of these cycles, and currently can't accept the way things are.

I think we mug ourselves in love. It's a shame. She's my best friend and I love her. And I'm really annoyed at myself.

Can you help me with this one? And if you do, will I be able to listen?

Frustrating.

Anonymous's picture

Thank you so much for this.


Sadly, I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of the "One Special Girl" and have indoctrinated myself into believing that she is somehow superior to all other women and not to bother accepting anything else (the "shes ugly" thing won't work though, because she looks like Hilary Duff). At first it seemed like she was really into me, then she started pushing the "just friends" deal, after I started being over-enthusiastic.

I'm a good looking guy, but, after a family tragedy when I was in my late teens, I went from being really cocky, the classroom joker, to quite reserved & introverted, which I think only serves to make the "One Special Girl" issue worse.

Anonymous's picture

Good read, looking for a different thing though.


Hello, I think this was really cool, but at this moment I'm only interested in getting to know this girl, she's like the perfect girl for me, so pretty and nice, the problem is that I don't even know her, and is so frustrating I wish I could introduce myself to her, other girls had come up to me but I just pass, I'm just waiting for the perfect time to talk to this girl I'm pretty sure It'll be worth the wait. She's in one of my classes in college but she sits kinda for from where I sit, and in the breaks we never really get a chance to talk. It's really challenging and I don't wanna let this one go. What do you thing I should do?

Snazzy's picture

Wow, are you me? I related to


Wow, are you me? I related to this article a lot. It was incredible. Thanks man!

Anonymous's picture

I have this problem...however


Chase, this article is awesome, and I feel like I'm going through this right now; however, I have not been simply obsessed with this girl. I have talked to her, danced with her, and been on dates with her.

I met her in January and we immediately hit it off in the club, and she even refused to let any other guy dance with her. She gave me her number, but she wouldn't let me kiss her or take her home. She texted me immediately after leaving the club that she had an awesome time. I texted her all that week and eventually mustered up courage to ask her out to coffee, but she said she was too busy. I took it as a hint that she wasn’t interested.
Months later, on Saint Patrick’s Day, I saw her out again at a bar. It went exactly like the first night I met her, and this time I was more direct with her saying, “I’m taking you out to dinner.” She smiled and accepted my offer. Once again, however, she refused to come home with me and still no kiss.

I took her out to lunch twice and she told me personal things like her exact birthday, her family/friends, accomplishments, desires (i.e. she said that she thinks during her 20s she wants to be married and have kids). She brought up at the end of our second date that she had a boyfriend over the summer. I was taken aback and asked her is they were still together, and she said no. I said, “Good to know.” I thought I was showing interest. Besides that minor concern, I was majorly concerned about this: I am studying abroad next year in the fall and she is studying abroad next year in the spring. “Could this even work?” I thought. I was willing to let it work; she was worth it.

Anyway, this girl is heavily invested in my college taking 20 credits and partaking in numerous charity events. She barely had time to go out with me on those first two dates. I was unsure if it was a hint that she wasn’t interest or if she honestly was busy. My friend’s girlfriend asked her about our dates, the girl I likes said she was busy and didn’t want me to think she was blowing me off.

The day before Easter Break I asked her if she had time to talk, but she had already left for home. Over break we texted each other a lot and we agreed to have dinner the Monday upon returning to school. She said she couldn’t eat with me on that Monday because her roommates’ grandmother prepared dinner for her room. I wasn’t sure if it was an excuse to not see me or an honest reason. Then, she texted me that she could do dinner the following week as “friends.”

I immediately began crying and my sadness soon turned to anger as I threw random objects as hard as I could. I asked her the next day over text if we could talk in person to see how we stand.

During the conversation, said she didn't have that "feeling" or that "spark" or whatever. She just didn't like me. She said I didn’t do anything wrong, and that I was the nicest guy she met at my college. I wanted to tell her the same thing, but I froze. My heart felt numb. I was prepared to tell her how I felt about her, how I liked practically everything about her, but I didn't after hearing she just didn't have feelings for me and simply wanted to be friends. I asked her if the time frame was the problem, meaning that we only had so much school left, but she responded again that she simply didn’t like me.

I keep thinking about her and am in fact dreaming about her every night. In fact, I am waking up frequently as the dreams I've been having seem to be more vivid and memorable than usual. I want to let her go, but I can't. I’m tempted to stalk her Facebook too; I don’t even know why. And I know you suggest trying for other girls, but I’m almost ready to give up. I may have dated many girls (one of which for 4-5 months), but I’ve never had a girlfriend. I want her to be my girlfriend. I would even lose my virginity to her. In a heartbeat.

She actually seems perfect except for the fact that she isn’t into sports. She has an incredible body and loves to workout (like me). She loves kids and wants to be a teacher (I teach karate and love kids). She’s talkative and I find her easy to talk to, unlike other girls I’ve interacted with. She is very dedicated to her activities (I respect dedication being an Eagle Scout and Third Degree Black Belt). She respects herself so much that she wouldn’t let me take her home when we were drunk; she wasn’t easy and I liked it. She rarely parties (like me). I know she’s not the most attractive girl in the world, but in my eyes, she’s the most beautiful there is.

Chase, I don’t know what to do. We haven’t talked since the face-to face conversation, except when I Facebook messaged her last Friday. I was drunk and about to go out, and she was home. She talked to me, and she didn’t blow me off.

I feel like it’s over and she gave me closure, but I don’t feel it. I almost feel like maybe she’s suppressing her feelings because she knows it would be nearly impossible to stay together with our opposite study abroad times.

Lance's picture

That one special girl


I've read this, and I related to it in so many ways. But there are questions I have, and things I can't understand.

I'm a second year in college, and I'm in a music program of like 40 people, where all we do everyday is study music for a career someday. This girl that came into the program was new to me, and I didn't really start to get to know her until the beginning of the second semester. I'm not the average cocky guy. I'm a really nice guy, and I'm not as outgoing as the other music students that I'm around every day. But yet, it's weird, she treats me very nicely and even talks to me so sweetly at times that it seems like she's talking to a child or something, haha. Anyway, I wasn't just interested in her right away. The more I was around her and noticed her personality, and even talked to her in person, the more I started feeling a connection to her. I became very attracted to her. And everything about her just became so beautiful to me. She's more of the outgoing type, and she acts like a dude a lot of the time, which makes her very funny, but after getting to know her, I found out that underneath that "dude type of personality", there's also an emotional, very sweet and kind hearted girl. We both share the same passions for a lot of music, like Phantom of the Opera (she's not obsessed with it like I am, but she still loves it. The orchestration fascinates her.) On that note, she loves the sound of symphony orchestras that you hear for concerts, or musicals, etc. She's shared a lot of her own music with me that she's written, and she even told me herself that not all of her friends would just be willing to sit down and enjoy listening to her songs that she's created and be fascinated by them. She's aware that I'm an emotional kind of guy, so I think she's more comfortable telling me things on a deeper level than she is with her other friends. Anyway, I realized that the end of the semester was approaching, and that I may never have the opportunity to tell her how I feel again, (since she's moving back to Minnesota (we're both in Iowa currently), so a couple weeks ago I ended up spilling my heart to her at dinner. I ended up telling her that I really like her, and she told me that as strange as it may seem, she likes girls. Before I continue with that thought, I want to say that she had just broken up with a guy a week or two before I told her, and this guy was a guy that didn't show her much affection and didn't put much effort into the relationship at all. So, that's why she just cut it off. The relationship she was in before that guy, was a guy that ended up cheating on her in her first year of college, and it caused her so much stress that she didn't continue with that college and she came to this school that I'm at in Iowa. AND, a couple weeks ago, she had gone on this tour with a few other students in New York, and had met this guy that she felt was a lot like her in ways. Apparently she ended up sleeping with this guy, after getting to know him a bit, but I don't know the whole story on that one. So, anyway, she told me that it has been difficult to tell her mom, because she was afraid that she'd lose her relationship with her mother. So, the way she was telling me these things, it didn't seem like it could have been a lie because she seemed so serious about the whole thing. BUT, at the same time, it feels like a lie, because why would she even go out of her way to be in relationships with guys, and have sex with guys, and even get heart broken over a guy cheating on her, when she says that she's not interested in guys?? And yet, this guy that she met over tour, really likes her, and they talk on the phone at night for a few hours on a regular basis it seems, so it doesn't make sense. She told me that she had already come out to this guy as well and told him that men weren't her sexual preference, but yet they still talk over the phone, knowing that he's still interested in her. And the other day, when we were out for ice cream with a group of people, she was eating something with gravy, and she said "I wonder if this will be comfort food if I'm ever pregnant someday...." and I thought, "WHAT?!" This doesn't make sense! Did she forget about the talk her and I had, and did she think that I didn't hear her say that, as if I were stupid or something? So, she's just showing a lot of signs that make it hard to believe when she says she's not sexually interested in men. But here's the thing, she's a very honest girl, and a very good friend, and she told me she'd always be honest with me and never sugarcoat things. She said "As much as I'm certain that our friendship could never go beyond what it is, because she's never been more certain of her sexual preference at this time." She said she was proud to say it. It's so crazy, because I really love her. I'm not a song writer and I've made attempts to write songs in my life, and I'm just not that good, but this situation moved me so much to write a song. I've never been so moved in my life. She said to me "We will always share the same passions, and nothing can keep us from being good friends, Lance." But yet, I just wish there was hope, that one day I could be with her. Everyday I wake up and she's the first thing I think of, and it saddens me that she's never there right next to me. I want to ask for advice on how to at least make a closer friendship with her, or even try to get to the point where a relationship COULD happen between her and I. Because, at this point, it seems like I'm the one asking her to hang out all the time, and she's never the one to just come up to me and ask to hang out (even though she said herself that we are good friends, so it doesn't make sense that she doesn't want to hang out with me a lot...ya know?) PLEASE, I've never felt so passionate in my life, and I feel like I'm in the biggest hole, and I need all the help I can get. I feel like I've tried and tried, but I just don't want to keep pushing it with her, as much as I'd like to, because I'm afraid I'll push her away. Make sense?

Any help and advice will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Anonymous's picture

HERE IS A TIP


Here is an advice!!
if you can't stop thinking about her then go up to her and speak. I met the love of my life this way. A year ago I had seen the most hottest guy who had classes in the same building as me. The first time I had seen him my heart had melted. I rmr him trying to talk to me when we bumped into each other, but I had kept on going which I regretted it after wards. I thought I was going nutzzz. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I never had felt this way about anyone else.. I am a very very very shy person, & i thought it would be awkward just to start a random convo with a random stranger..you know. Well anyways oneday he kept on staring even though I am so shy to even smile..guess what I did. He spoke to me and said "You are the most beautiful thing ever".. from this point we instantly clicked and had coversations..and today we are engaged.. The feelings/symptons he had for me before we talked for the first time were mutual. SO IT'S DEFINATLEY A SIGN THAT THIS PERSON MIGHT BE SOULMATE.. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?????? NOTHING ..GO FOR IT and just intiate.. it will be well worth it...

(excuse my English, I am German)

Anonymous's picture

Bizarre...


I thought it was just me. I've felt stupid for obsessing over missed opportunities.

I obsess/pine over girls who to me would show clear signs of interest, but they all look rather intimidating as they feel out of my league looks-wise, socially. So I get paralyzed at the thought of making a awkward move like going for a kiss but missing her mouth.

Ashu's picture

Help


Helo.. chase big fan of u.Now there's a girl who im obsessed with.She has told me she likes me but in class she flirts with another guy.I feel like she sends me mixed signals.Sumtimes v chat for hours and hours and sumtimes she just ignores me.Please help me!
How do i get her.
I would be glad for your Personal advice.:-)

Andrww's picture

That One Girl


I am having the exact problem you described in this article.

There is a girl I really like, but I haven't known her all that long (only 3 months). At first, she chased me, I wasn't all that into her, but we talked out of mutual interests. Then I noticed myself seeking her out to talk with, which she seemed to really like. We talked more and more and I found myself falling for her (we'd text all day long and chat together every night). Then, I told her exactly how I felt about her, how I thought about her all day long and she, well, let's just say let me down easy and we remained good friends and still flirted like crazy. Well fast forward to now and we're talking less and less and I feel as though she's lost interest in me (Only responds to the odd text and we hardly talk when we see each other). I feel as though I should do either one of two things, move on completely, or give her some time ( Hey, we havn't known each other that long, right?) The problem is that I see her almost everyday and I'm almost compelled to chat with her, even though she seems mostly disinterested now and I wish I could just avoid her for a while.

What do you think, Chase?

James's picture

Mate u are exactly in the


Mate u are exactly in the same boat as me,except after a month of chatting,went out with her n slept with her, then she decided she didnt want to rush things which is kool. Kept txting her n stuff n she was txting back. But think i was too full on with the txtin n she doesnt seem to be that interested anymore,seems like i have to txt to get her attention she wont make the effort. Whens shes drunk she will ring me n tell me she loves me n wants to be with me but when shes sober she dont say anything n im getting mixed signals. Think i might jus leave it for a week n if i dont hear from her then il leave it,its soo hard not to think about her though. Good luck anywayz.

Anonymous's picture

What if I don't get other offers?


The way you are portraying this obsession is as if theres plenty of other girls that want me, which there aren't. I wouldn't classify myself as nerdy or geeky, in fact I'm the captain of the wrestling team and work out daily, I'm not ugly, but I'm not the most attractive guy either. I guess it might be my confidence or whatever, but girls don't seem attracted to me. I just didn't talk to many girls until this year, and most of the girls I talk to have boyfriends, or "things" with other guys in my school, which I am completely fine with, since they really are just friends. But theres one girl, who I cant stop thinking about, I can't seem to talk to coherently, I feel like I missed my escalation window, because in the beginning of the year when I first started talking to her it was a lot more "equal" but now, she responds to texts late, so I've given up texting, and everything just sucks. How can I improve on this and get her? Sorry for rambling, please help, I'm getting kind of depressed.

Marc's picture

That One Woman


After my divorce I was slow at dating. Eventually I met several woman and went out a few times. Made a lot of friends on line from other countries too. There have been some interested in me, but I wasn't with them. Ruined a good friendship a few years ago when I told a friend I had feelings for them and they said they had feeling for me. We got too strange and it fell apart. They told me to start seeing someone else because I couldn't belong to one woman. That maybe true, but my nature I need to care about someone. Just that one special person. As a single parent it isn't easy to go out on a date. I tried dating and social sites and made a few friends, but none seemed to connect. Then one day I was contacted by a woman from a dating site I had recently joined at the suggestion of my friend. Most of the ones who contact me were not my type. But here was one a bit older who shared similar interest, which is like totally rare for American woman. She physically takes my breath away when I see her. When we first met it was like an experience I never had before. I kissed her on the first date. That was the second time in my life I ever did that, the other was 35 years earlier. We seemed to hit it off and did a lot of things together. She however got back with her ex, but that was a mistake as that fell apart. We still stayed friends throughout. Then one day she gave me a friendship ring. Believe it or not, outside my own sister, she was the first woman to ever have given me a ring. (Even my ex didn't get me a wedding ring, I got it myself and she got hers.) So I did the same and gave her a friendship ring. Next thing we are talking about marriage. We get engaged even. But she wanted to take it slow. She moved in with us along with her daughter, everyone having their seperate rooms. It seemed like magic, but my own daughter kept throwing wrenches into the works and things began to fall apart. It was partly my fault for not cracking down on my daughter who was very disrepectful, lazy and flunking school. It was too much stress. Her daughter graduated early and moved in with her boyfriend and my friend moved down the way. My friend knows I am crazy about her, way too much, still. We shared some of the best times I've had in over a decade, just being with each other. We are still good friends. But she is the one that set the standards now that no one probably could ever match. We are so much alike it is spooky. She did nearly everything just the way I like things because she liked it that way too, from food, movies, most music, the way we fold our cloths, how we organize things. But for many months now it was just her as I have no interest in any of the others even if they did in me. There still are Ukranian woman friends I've known for years who still actively try to get my attention. There are others at work who actively flirt with me. But no one seems to be able to break the spell I'm under. We talked about her problem, she calls herself an ice princess. Things in her past made her that way. Seems I'm the first guy who has treated her with any respect in decades. But the physical side of it all, she is having real problems. So many have hurt her, emotionally and physically she really doesn't want to get close, but we have on rare occasions before she moved in. Wanting to build on a friendship is what she desires and I am sticking to it as best as I can. I've even tried to keep us apart physically but there is that bond we seem to share that seems one or the other can't break. Things seem to actually be getting better, as far as our friendship goes now that she is by herself. Sure the wedding is off, but the friendship is still on. I don't know if seeing others is something I can do just yet. Once it was known that it fell apart others have been quickly trying to get my attention. But it doesn't work. So I will just remain good friends with her and see what develops. We were very blunt with each other about each other's faults. It should have hurt my feelings but I honestly took it as constructive criticism and have been trying to work on them. They are doing the same. We are both trying to let the dust settle after the split but are in contact with each other and helping each other through this. She hopes in time that the ice around her heart will melt because she does want in me in her life. My ex had turned my heart to stone and I realize just how much damage had been done when seen from another's perspective. My problem is I am still so darn physically attracted to her, she is in my dreams every night and has been since we met. In these dreams we are just by each others side, rarely anything erotic. We aren't spring chickens any more and it is so hard to start as 60 years is just down the road for me and she is 60. I have been with many women over the years but this one is so different yet so ordinary. One thing to note, she has inspired me to get things done like I used to do. I've also physically transformed, loosing weight, got the spring back into my step I lost 20 years ago. Just knowing she has my back has given me a sense of inner security I haven't had since I was in the military. I haven't worked so well with anyone in I don't know how long. It is like we are on the same sheet of music. We may never be lovers again, but I still cling to the belief we will one day again. If only we had met years before we were both put through the ringer. But we wouldn't have been the same persons back then. She has made me feel as no other has ever made me feel. That brings me back to what were all the other relationships. No one has ever made me feel this way. This is so much deeper than anything I have ever experienced. I've only read about things like this happeneing to others. It sure blows me away and she still takes my breath away.

Anonymous's picture

I dont know where this leaves me?


I fell for the perfect woman, thing is she fell for me first. we became boyfriend and girlfriend, and i never had anytime with all my work. then later she breaks up with me goes out with my best friend, tells me she still loves me. Tells me she still fantasizes about me. But She wont leave the other guy. I dont know what to do she wants me to share my fantasies with her but i dont know if i should. then she tries to have a secret meeting with me, i mess up, head back home see her boyfriend then minutes later get hit by a car and ride back home, and she doesnt tell her boyfriend about it. She actually only wanted a hug, so i wanted to give it to her but she didnt want anyone to know... i dont know how to get her or even if i should move on. I still love her. so i dont know

jose's picture

Urgent Help Please


Your articles are great man and they have been helping limp back somewhat. But I got a problem I meet this girl a while back and we started out freaking amazing She made the moves to me because I really wasnt showing interest but cool friends any way she started saying she loved me and blah blah then I matched her move, then a few more months following she started to blow me off slowly and more but she said I came on to strong and getting kinda of akward but actually it was her who did. But anyway we have a manitory meet up every month and im going to do my best to be myself and make her laugh and stuff im a good opener not good to get them to the bed if i could do that because i know you sayed to take the girl to bed as quick as possible but how can i in this situation or how to go about it?

Anonymous's picture

They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder...


I can't believe that I'm not the only person whose experienced/ing what's been mentioned. Thanks for this article, it was very insightful but still feel very much in a limbo over this girl.

It all started from back in the day as kids. We both were in the same class in primary school aged 8 when her family decided to leave and immigrate to america. We as a family use to go over to see them for holidays (as our mums' are best friends) etc over the years and they would also come back to see family and friends back in england. We've always kept in contact over the years and from around 13 onwards we've been communicating via email and now only recently the odd Skype here and there.

A few years back both families decided to go on a holiday together. The very first night we were both plastered and kissed (not that i remember too much of it) and from that point onwards the whole holiday was just awkward. I called her out on the last night and spoke to her one to one but she just shut me down. I didn't know how to react - I was in such a state! I tried to get over her the best I could by attempting to move on. I then met this lovely girl who i then went out with. I was trying to move on from my disappointment. Then a year later this girl came to england on holiday to see her with friends and family. I also saw her which was nice as my feelings weren't strong at all. When she got back to america I received this email from her basically stating that 'if only we could and we were in the same country etc then I would want to make something work etc - i apologise for shutting you down etc blah blah.' I was still going out with my girlfriend at the time and completely shut it down but said we can be friends.

I have since split my from girlfriend and have started to develop really strong feelings for this girl again! My ex and I are still working our differences out too as well which is difficult because i feel that if i can't be with this america chick then I'll gladly oblige to my ex properly. I know how it sounds 'having second best' however i previously put my ex before this america chick.

Anyway we email, most likely more out of habit but its always me who initiates it. We're not close at all and am trying my hardest to keep in touch with her esp recently on a daily basis but it seems all so hard. Also, I found out recently that she's 'seeing' this guy (what ever that means) and tried to clarify the situation up by effectively pouring my heart out to her describing how i felt. She said that she will end it with this guy after his exams however has reservations about distance and the pressure of parents etc. It was her birthday last week and i asked whether he'd be attending and she said that I don't care to know what he's doing, giving me the best answer i could of hoped for however consequently i had seen photos of them together on fb on her birthday! It made me rage!! I don't feel like she's playing me but she's not being fully truthful just to spare my feelings!

Ive even offered to come up and see her and all she said was yeah course when I've got time! I've never had a problem talking and getting to know girls but she's just an anomaly! I don't ever want her to think bad of me and am always cautious that i will slip up etc! Its not ideal but i get so nervous even just talking to her let alone thinking about her constantly.When I procrastinate all i do is think about her and my shitty situation!

All my friends are like just make sure you don't throw all your eggs in one basket hence why I'm still talking and trying to potentially sort things out with this other girl. Im not 100% diluded but I feel that i want this more than she does and would do anything, absolutely anything for her to be by my side! I always think what if etc and am now trying to put it into action!

I hope this has given you enough information as to what's going on. Any guidance would be much appreciated in this time in need.

ps apologies for spelling mistakes and grammar! cheers

Mathew's picture

Im obsessed with the girl I have...


Five weeks ago i met this girl which is five months younger than me more or less, i wasn't actually interested on her but she was. She told a couple of friends of mine that she kinda felt attracted to me. So I decided why not give it a try? I started talking and spending time with her. I started feeling attracted to her. Eventually we both felt something at some point, and I was no longer just going out with her. She was now "my girl".

Anyway we have expressed our feelings towards each other like a week ago, but I think about her all the time. And Im not sure if she does as well. Her sister told me she did, and I kinda noticed it. But three days ago she started behaving herself in a weird way. And I cant stop thinking about her. I even thought I was the problem, not her... but I discovered I wasn't the problem, cause I have had opportunities to go out with other girls who are really hot.

Well thing is, im not sure what to do... Should I just stop thinking about her and wait till she comes back or should I talk with her and tell her what im feeling, and ask her if she wants to continue with the relationship we have? And when should I do it? On Wednesday its her birthday, so should I do it tomorrow or after her birthday?? Cause I am confused right now... And i really like her...

I kinda feel like this:When I read the letter you wrote, it made me mad mad mad
When I read the words that it told me, it made me sad sad sad.
But I still love you so, I can't let you go
NOTE: the "letter" would be her actions, cause last three days she's been like, not charming and loving as she uses to be, shes been kinda indifferent.

Or maybe she is mad? Cause on Thursday I went to her house, and her friend who is my age was acting playfully, and I acted playfully as well. My gf's sister told me that she noticed my gf was like jealous or angry, upset.

What do you think?

Thank you, I liked the article, its very helpful. I'll stop my obsession cause if not I'll trip over my emotions as you say, its true, I've experienced it.

Ola's picture

Great article. Can identify


Great article. Can identify with this. It is good to know i am not crazy, I am not the only one thinking this way. Great. I guess I will reread all the comments later and apply whatever needs to be applied. As for the dream girl, I will say you never know what u would ve achieved if you never tried. When you are coherent enough, try to see if you guys can be friends then take it from there

Anonymous's picture

I highly appreciate this


I highly appreciate this article. Its very well written and down to earth. 8 years... I'm coming up on that, at about 6 or 7. I met a girl when I was a senior in high school who was actually dating a good friend of mine. I just treated her like a regular old person and didn't invest much time thinking about her as she was with my friend. However she was always very affectionate toward me and I slowly got hooked on her attention and sweetness. After her and my friend broke up I noticed her calling and texting me a lot to hang out. We spent a lot of time together and I assumed that was because she liked me too. Before too long she had hooked up with a friend of mine because she was 'really attracted to him for a long time' I should have seen this as a red flag, and incidentally at the time - I did. After that event I realized where she was coming from and just left the relationship at a distant, casual acquaintance. Fast forward about a year, I move on - get a decent job, meet a new girl that was into me, etc etc... The old 'special girl' from high school resurfaces in my life (we have a lot of mutual friends) and begins the texting/calling/constant IM'ing. I always knew she was affectionate like that and I assumed maybe she was just lonely and looking for attention. I had always been into her and figured there could be no harm and rekindling an old thing... maybe it would work out this time. Well after a year had passed I was much more confident, popular, and better with women. This lead to her revealing a 'secret crush' she had for me in high school, a an admission of 'strong sexual tension between us for a long time', and a period of passionate love making. I was reluctant, considering the past, but I assumed things were different. Unfortunately, I have always struggled with my own personality problems (OCD/Depression/PTSD) and I was not in a good place. She was so affectionate toward me during that time, that I got completely hooked. I was such a mess though, she eventually lost interest and moved on to guys who were not miserable fucks. I understood and decided to move on. Two years after that, she had broken up with her boyfriend, run into me in downtown, and restarted the whole texting/calling/'what are you up to, lets hang out!' thing again. Now I had fallen pretty deeply into my depression over the years and have developed a pretty strong fear of rejection/lack of self esteem/fear of inadequacy. Most girls are attracted to me at first, but get turned when they notice how sensitive and aloof I am. That's fine, but this one 'special girl' had always accepted me and showed affection toward me, no matter what I was going through. If I tried hard enough, I would end up sleeping with her. Of course, she was looking for a strong man to take care of her, and I knew I couldn't provide, at least not at that point. She took advantage of my attention and my obsession with her, and lead me on consistently. I'm so crazy attracted to her, we have so much in common, but I have squandered every chance I had due to my own personal problems, and the rest of her friends have even admitted that she no longer sees me as anything other than a friend. I can 'rationally' understand that, but emotionally - I'm so freaking hooked. Every time I see her (often, we have mutual friends) smiling face or hear her laugh, I melt. When I see/hear about her with someone else, my stomach turns to knots. We had a lot in common, and a real connection at one point - but its clearly not there for her and hasn't been for years. Its been 7 years that I've been obsessing over her, and I think it has gone on because no matter how overwhelmingly emotional I get, she always comes back. She doesn't want to lose me as a 'fall back guy' I suppose, and even though that irritates me, I'm so crazy into her that I just let it keep happening. I know I could go out and meet other girls, but every time I see 'the one special girl' the emotional triggers are so powerful. I feel like I truly do love her and accept her for who she is, and I know she loves me too, just not in THAT WAY - but I have to move on. I don't want to be lonely, I just needed to vent this.

Thanks for your article.

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