You know that feeling. There's this girl you've been chasing forever. You positively, absolutely, can't stop thinking about her. She's the most amazing woman in the world -- you're certain of it. There's never been another one like her.
Her laughter sounds like the delicate tinkling of the finest crystal.
Her voice sounds like the music of the heavens.
The sight of her sets your heart pounding a thousand beats per minute.
You know that if you could just get her, you'd be happy forever and you would never want anything else ever again. Maybe you're not even certain if you believe in marriage or soul mates or "The One" -- but maybe you'd make an exception to all of that for her.
You'd do anything for her.
Well, as you well know by now, I'm not the type to hold punches, sugarcoat things, or sell you fairytales wrapped in gumdrops. So, this isn't per se a post on how to finally get that girl you can't stop thinking about.
Instead, this is a post about how you can wrest back control of your heart, mind, and dating life -- and how you can get yourself to a place where you're truly happy bringing actual women of quality into your life, instead of sitting there pining away for a vision (built more from your ideas of an idealized version of a flawless her than on her her actual self) of That One Special Girl.
That One Special Girl
What if I told you it wasn't her you liked, quite so much as it was the suspense of not knowing if you'd get her or not, and the dream of some day succeeding?
I remember when I was a little boy, and there was this series of toys called "Monster in My Pocket." I was addicted to them. The way the "Monster in My Pocket" series worked was, you'd buy a box of monsters, but you never knew which ones you were going to get. I had a fold-out pamphlet that showed all the monsters you could get... but there were a few I just never could seem to find.
Well, I kept buying and buying boxes of monsters, always really excited, always hoping I'd finally get the ones I wanted to get. Sometimes I was disappointed, but sometimes I'd have a triumphant victory and get one of those long-awaited missing monsters.
Looking back on my childhood, most of the toys I had the strongest emotional ties to were like this. There was the "Trash Bag Bunch," a bunch of toys that came in dissolvable "trash bags" you had to toss into the water to find out which toy you got. There were Marvel Comics cards, where you never knew which cards you got until you opened up the pack.
Those were the things I stayed up at night, hoping and dreaming about, as a little boy. I wanted to get them.
Getting powerful, obsessive feelings about something -- anything, whether toys or women or anything else -- seems to come from these few things:
- Find something you want (a cool toy, a girl you like)
- Find yourself unable to get it right away
- Begin working and struggling to get it, still not succeeding
- Still want it enough that you keep trying
- Still continue feeling close enough to getting it that you keep trying
- Keep trying
- Keep investing more and more, never quite getting it, but always feeling close
- Start thinking about it more and more, obsessing over it
- Nothing else comes along to break you of that obsession
- This process goes on and you continue chasing, growing ever more obsessed
This is what seems to happen with guys. It's why I find I frequently need to tell guys don't chase women; because the very act of chasing makes the thing you chase become more and more valuable to you as you become ever more invested in it.
I speak from experience. But I'll spare you details -- instead, I'll just tell you the end.
A few months back, I was showing some pictures on my computer to my girlfriend, when she noticed a folder marked "Girls." She was understandably intrigued, and asked me what it was. I, not particularly caring either way about showing her this old folder from years ago, decided there was no harm in opening it up.
In it were pictures of girls I'd had crushes on when I was younger... including That One Special Girl, a girl I'd pined over... wait for it... for eight years.
Yeah, you read that write, not a typo. Almost a decade of my life, spent pining over one girl. *Ahem*, anyway, back to the story...
To me, for about a decade, that girl had been the most incredible, amazing, special, perfect woman on Earth. I constantly over that 8 years had tried to wrest control of my mind -- I tried pointing out to myself that she was fallible; that she wasn't really all that much more special than other girls; that she was busily getting shagged by other men and wasn't exactly waiting for me, and I should move on to. But I couldn't. She was the ultimate goal of my entire being.
So, there I was a few months back, sitting there with my girlfriend, looking at this girl who'd once seemed for a large portion of my life like the one good, shining thing in the world, and the one thing I wanted above all else, seven years removed from those feelings and that obsession that once commanded the majority of my free time, mentally.
"Who's that girl? She's ugly," said my girlfriend, not knowing anything about her.
"Ugly?" I said, a little stunned.
"Yes! Look at her!" she said. I hadn't looked at the girl's picture in a long time. And, in what was a truly strange and surreal moment, I looked -- and I saw what she meant.
Here was this girl who'd to me been the most beautiful girl in the world for a very long time. And a lot of people in my school did consider her one of the most beautiful girls in school. And I suppose, compared to everyone else there, she was one of the best.
But I noticed, later in life, that her friends weren't all that hot. "That's odd," I remember thinking, "usually hot girls have hot friends. Strange."
But as my girlfriend pointed this out to me, I suddenly viewed that girl's pictures in a much starker, more objective light than perhaps I ever had. And, while I wouldn't say she was ugly, I also wouldn't say she really was anything all that special. She was just better than most of the other girls in my class... which wasn't saying much.
It felt like waking up from a dream.
I remember years ago checking that girl's Facebook page to see what she was doing with her life, and seeing that she got her Bachelor's degree from a fairly good school, she was hanging out with friends in her spare time, still living in our home city, and doing some entry-level work at a real estate agency.
Totally normal, usual stuff. Nothing special, unique, amazing, or exceptional about her. She's not bad, not good, just a normal, ordinary person.
How in God's name did I end up spending a decade of my life sitting in a corner obsessing about her though while she was out living her (rather ordinary) life?
The Nature of Obsession
1. the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.
Now, properly directed, I don't think that obsession is necessarily a bad thing.
If you're using obsession with something like business or art or science to create something that truly improves your life or gives back to mankind, that's a good thing.
If, however, you're obsessing over a girl, and you simply can't stop thinking about her, that's something else entirely.
Riddle me this: how often does obsession over someone seem romantic to that person?
Answer: only when the feeling is mutual, and when the obsessed is incredibly charming, smooth and suave.
Thing is, most charming, smooth, suave guys don't get obsessed, and most guys who get obsessed aren't charming, smooth, or suave -- and quite often the reason why they're so obsessed is because the girl doesn't feel the same way and they aren't together.
That was the case for me, and if you've got a girl you're all tied up in knots over, I'm betting that's probably the case for you as well.
Is this kind of fixation healthy?
I'll put it in perspective for you: if one of your good friends came to you and told you there was this girl that he really, really liked and really, really wanted, you'd probably say okay, yeah, sure -- you should ask her out, man.
But what would you say if he came to you 2 weeks later and said he really liked her, but he still hadn't asked her out?
How about a month later?
How about 2 months later?
At what point would you tell him, "Listen man, this girl's becoming poison for you. You're wasting all your time obsessing over this girl you're never going to do anything with. Cut it out and move on?"
For a good friend of yours, this would probably happen when:
- He's been talking about this girl for a long time but not doing anything
- You can tell he's building her up in his head to unrealistic levels
- He's fixating on her to the exclusion of cute girls around him who like him
That's the point where you're usually going to say, "Dude, man, chill out, forget this girl, and let's go meet some new girls together."
In the movies, they like to show how the guy's friend says that to him, but no, he's determined to get her, and then he goes and turns it around and it's amazing and him and this girl end up marrying and they spend the rest of their lives together in joyful, fairytale bliss.
That's the movies. Real life is not like that... it's way, way better.
In real life, you drop that girl you were obsessing over, go out, meet new girls, and end up with a lot of beautiful, awesome girlfriends. Maybe even one day one such beautiful, awesome girlfriend happens to come across a picture of that girl you used to obsess over, and offhandedly remarks, "Who's that? She's ugly." Much better than sitting in the corner, moping and obsessing forever.
But, it is harder to do than keeping your fixation. It's going to take some willpower, because at that point, you're fighting obsession.
What happens when you've gotten this idea stuck in your head of That One Special Girl is that she becomes the only thing that will do. You have to have her. You can't stop thinking about her, and no other girl is good enough, and no other girl measures up to her. She's perfection personified.
And here's the funny thing about the girl you're obsessed with:
You never, ever do anything with her.
Isn't that funny? You fantasize so much about how you'd like to:
- Talk to her
- Spend time with her
- Take her on a date
- Make love to her
- Take her on some romantic adventure
- Be with her all the time
... and yet you don't do any of those things. You don't even try, most of the time.
Why is that?
Perchance to Dream
There's a quote that I think accurately sums up the predicament most men in pursuit of That One Special Girl would do well to heed (I sure could've benefited from doing so):
“All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.”
- T.E. Lawrence
Here's the situation of the man who dreams by night:
There he lays, late at night, after another day of no action taken on the course to making his dreams turn into a reality, thinking about how much he'd like some day for his dreams to come true.
It's an insidious thing, this expanding infatuation. It creeps up on you like a slow-growing affliction... at first it isn't more than a hint and a whisper -- a thought of her here, a memory of her there. But time passes, and it spreads and grows, and before long you wake up one day and realize the thought of this one girl, of getting her and making her yours, has become the center point of your existence; you find this new obsession consuming you.
That's what happened to me anyway, and that affliction of my nocturnal fantasies became my whole world for a very long time. It was almost like an 8-year prison sentence, for my mind.
But the mind wants to be free. It doesn't want to be held prisoner by a hint and a whisper.
There's one other thing it wants though, too, and sometimes that one thing is more important to it than freedom; that thing is hope.
And even then, right when I was in the thick of my obsession with That One Special Girl, right when I couldn't stop thinking about her to save my life, I also knew that I valued the idea of her, and the dream that I might one day get her, more than her herself. I almost didn't want to go talk to her, because I knew that if I lost hope I could get her, I didn't know what else I could do.
I needed her there as a light in the darkness.
At least, that's what I thought. But as I was fixating on her, I was also turning down some very pretty girls who wanted dates with me, because I couldn't get my mind off this one girl.
If a buddy of yours told you he was turning down dates with nice, pretty girls because he couldn't stop thinking about some other girl who was out busily dating other guys, what would you tell him to do?
Yeah, that's right -- you'd tell him to forget that one girl, and go date the ones in front of him. Sure, maybe they're not quite as good as her -- but man, it'll do him some good:
- Dating different girls will give him dating momentum -- instead of inertia
- Dating different girls will remind him he's an attractive guy that women like
- Dating different girls will sharpen his skill set with women
- Dating different girls might even help him make the girl jealous that he likes
Sounds pretty reasonable, right?
Well, how would you feel if you told me there's this one girl that you can't stop thinking about -- and I told you to do exactly this?
Can't Stop Thinking About Her? ... Now You Can
As you might surmise from the tone of this post, I'm not going to suggest that the way you deal with That One Special Girl is by getting her.
Because I verily believe that if you were really going to go get her, you'd have gotten her by now.
Trust me, I've coached legions of men over the past 5 or 6 years, many of whom were trying to get That One Special Girl. I tried, and tried, and tried to help them succeed at that goal. I told them exactly what they needed to do, down to the letter. It didn't work. It never does. Never. And every guy thinks he's different, and he's the one who's going to finally succeed at getting That One Special Girl where every other guy has failed, and he never, ever does. Ever. So I get asked the same questions again and again: "How do I get That One Special Girl?" and no matter how many times I tell the guy, it doesn't work.
The problem isn't that the guy was inept with women. Oftentimes, these are attractive, likable guys. And it wasn't that the girl was some stony-hearted ice queen. Usually she liked the guy at some point... maybe even chased after him, like that girl I was caught up on for 8 years initially did with me.
The problem is that when you get highly emotionally invested in a woman, you will trip over your emotions with her every single time. You'll make mistakes that guys who don't have those same attachments to her don't make. You hesitate when you should act. You value her so highly that you don't want to mess things up... and precisely because of that, her attraction for you expires and she loses interest, never to have it return.
Therefore, the solution to the That One Special Girl problem is not "do this and that and the other thing, and then she's yours!"
The solution, instead, as unromantic as it might sound, is this:
- First, recognize that learning how to get girls is a skill. It isn't an inborn trait or ability that some guys have and some guys lack. And when you're sitting around pining away for That One Special Girl -- and not talking to her or other girls, dating girls, pushing to make things happen with girls -- you're backsliding while the rest of the world moves ahead. Instead of making progress, you're falling behind.
- Next, recognize you're caught up and over-invested in a girl who isn't yours. Much as you might like her, and much as you might wish her to be yours... she ain't. Now, I'm not much of one for ownership of women, but if you're going to think of women as being "yours" or "not yours," you should at least consider that the man who's actually physically sleeping with That One Special Girl is needless to say going to be the one who commands the most sway over her.
You may not want to hear that, but yeah... no matter how much she means to you, her lover (whether you know about him or not... and if you pine for her long enough without the two of you getting together, trust that she will have a guy who's hers while you're waiting patiently by not being with her) has got a lot more influence over her than some guy she knows who's pining away for her late at night. See "The Sad Tale of Shopping Guy" and that post linked to above on not chasing women for more on what happens when you're "that guy" sitting there dreaming of a girl.
- If you find yourself white knighting, recognize that it's self-interested. Many guys who pine also tend to think, "Oh, if only I could save her from all those other bad men out there and give her what she really deserves!" I know, I was guilty of it. Well, realize that this isn't out of pureness, goodness, or charity -- it's because you want her to be yours, and not some other guy's. Nothing charitable about it -- it's self-interestedness at its finest, masquerading as kindness and goodness. Knock that off -- can't save her unless you save yourself first. Which brings us to our next point...
- Next, start meeting new women. This means talking to lots of girls; it means getting out there regularly, being sociable, and actively pursuing new women. So long as you stay in that bubble where the last woman you actively pursued was That One Special Girl, trust me, you won't be able to stop thinking about her at all. Maybe not even for 8 years... egad. How'd I let that happen to myself? It really does creep up on you. Don't let it -- meet new girls pronto.
- Next, start pushing for the close with women -- lots of women. That means:
• You need to ask a girl out
• You need to get her phone number
• You need to take her on a date
• You need to invite her home
• You need to escalate physically and you need to close out the last 5%
• And all this you must do before her escalation windows close.
Sound tough? That's why you approach this like a skill. Because when you're trying to do all this with That One Special Girl, when you haven't developed that skill yet, you're simply not going to be able to.
I've seen it over and over and over again. If you haven't nurtured the skill to succeed with women in yourself, you can't magically make it happen in this one special instance. That's like taking a guy who's never bothered to learn how to play baseball, tossing him into the World Series, and asking him to hit a couple of homeruns 4 games straight and win the championship.
If you're not a pro and you don't know what you're doing just yet, you can't just magically turn a switch and transform into Babe Ruth just because you're in a high-pressure situation where now you really need to be able to perform. It doesn't work that way.
Instead, you go out, and you work at it, methodically. You get better, one day at a time.
And then, before you know it, you look around one day, and realize that That One Special Girl no longer seems so special. You realize that you're now surrounded by women a lot more special than she was -- but they're the ones who can't stop thinking about you.
If you can't stop thinking about her, recognize that all you've got to do is go bring some new women into your life, and before you know it, you'll be way too busy thinking about all of them to worry about that girl you weren't even together with -- that girl who wasn't even yours. You'll realize that she was just a hint and a whisper -- but these girls you're with now, these girls are real.
You've got the tools you need to get started. You've got this site, with its scads and scads of articles on here. I pointed you to a number of links in this article above that should help you get going. You can check out the homepage for more basics for helping you get started. You can grab a copy of my ebook, which presents all the nuts and bolts you need to know about women and dating in step-by-step format to get all the information you need in your fingertips and get you going right away, and provides you with homework to get you taking action immediately.
And most of all, you've got yourself. If you read nothing else at all on pick up or seduction ever again, so long as you get out there and talk to new girls and push to close, even when you're not sure a girl will say "yes," you'll end up revamping your dating life so completely you won't even recognize yourself before you know it.
And maybe someday, somewhere in the world, you'll have some beautiful young girl who loves you very much gazing over your shoulder at a picture of that girl you used to not be able to stop thinking about, and she'll ask you, "Who's that?"
And you'll look at her, smile, and tell her that's nobody.