Why Chasing Women Doesn’t Work and Why Persistence Does | Girls Chase

Why Chasing Women Doesn’t Work and Why Persistence Does

Chase Amante

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We've had a few questions on here lately about the difference between chasing women vs. persisting with women. A few weeks back William B. raised the point when I asked for ideas on what the new forum's bonus book should be on:

I'd like to see something fleshing out the nuances between chasing and persistence.

And more recently, a commenter on the article on how to find the woman you want asked:

I guess what i want to know is how does all this play in with not chasing her...if you leave enough time between your proposals it doesn't count as chasing?

I've seen a few other people ask about it on other articles as well.

What's the difference between chasing women and persisting with them, anyway? Aren't they one and the same?

chasing women

Actually, the two are VERY different - and women are right for desiring persistent men to a point... and fleeing from men who chase after that point.

Let's have a look at why that is, and how you can better walk the line between chasing and persistence.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.

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Comments

Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase, I just recently found this reading and really took note of it. I thought maybe you could've give me some advice on my situation. I am in college and decided to talk to a girl who I had met the year before. So after exchanging some text messages I asked her out for dinner. She immediately replied yes and asked when. I took this as a really good sign and so I told her a day. Leading up to that day we had didn't talk much as she had a bunch of exams coming up and lab reports. Which I understood because she is in some pretty difficult classes. Then on the day we were supposed to go to dinner she texted me and said she needed a "rain check" because she still had a lot of homework to do. I said I understood and took it with ease. Since then I have texted her and received responses but then drop the conversation dead out of nowhere. So I don't know if this is from her being busy with school and athletics or if she is not interested. Just thought maybe you could give your oppinion on it

shaun's picture

interesting post, but does this apply to extremely shy girls? lol. i mean the type that can barely speak and need time to get comfortable enough to trust you, etc? if not, then what steps need to be taken?

Thanks!

Anonymous's picture

I am shy usually, have a difficult time getting words out to girls. This just reminded me of one time I had to force out the words to ask for her number. I found it so difficult to ask, the words, (unintentionally), came out extremely aggressively.

Mind you, she said yes, but maybe she felt threatened. ops

Zed's picture

I'm bad at picking up girls so I waste too much effort on the ones I do know though I would not say I'm wasting time as it is not much to have a few conversations. With some I can exchange my whole life in 3days of constant talking but with the rest probably the vast majority my lacking social skills are killing me. For instance now there's this cute girl and seemingly nothing is wrong with her so in theory we should get along just fine but I have troubles in thinking of topics to converse so we could get to know each other better. Been on a date with her which was fine, nothing special but she is kinda reserved so I only managed to get a good night kiss...on a cheek. I understand her cuz we barely know each other but now I don't even know should I try another deit with her. Is it worth persisting, maybe she just wants me to show I'm interested, though she didn't text me yet first which is bugging me.
Also I wonder why is picking up girls so hard for me, yeah my social skills are not awesome but they are not that baad either, I'm considered attractive so for shallow relationships at least what's the problem?

Sebastian's picture

I agree with you & sometimes it is nearly impossible to draw those most simple and precise conslusions like you do here. If someone should have her, he would have her by now. It does not really explain it, but I never got into a relationship from that.

Thinking about it I missed some opportunities because I was still hurt from a break up and I still met a few beautiful ladies, maybe just for a romp, what the hell. But yes I will not pursue her with some delay. It will always look like I as a man needed too much time to gather my courage that should have let me go for her instantly. No matter how valid and merited my hesitation and desire to calm down after a recent break up is.

The only thing here that sucks: if you do not have any girls falling for you, your advice is useless. And I had had times, I could go crazy.

This went on for months.

Problem is. I cannot hang out with people and spoil time listen to boring stories. I am someone who likes to get results. I am impatient. Often in a good way. I have plenty of acquaintances who hang around with the same folks and don't move on in life. I never had friends who pushed me forward or who tried to do something mutually beneficial.

I hate dating advice in the internet. The only things it reveals is that you ought to have a good job, good looks, good friends who help you out and invite you on plenty of occasion where plenty of women who are available are there to meet you.

The only people I know who have the energy to do all that do not have a proper job and obligation, they live a slacker lifestyle that allows them to permanently hit on women.

I can gather the energy, but it is sometimes impossible to feature my best side when I previously spent my energy on other issues.

I just don't know. The advice given is often as correct as it is useless. Guys who look for a woman at their side do not do that 24-7. Hit the bars four times a week is quite hard.

Well I need to chissel and chunk away some gut&belly. I am far from Babe Ruth, but I think looks open up so much. You cannot score from having a PhD or anything immaterial, but anything the girls eye can catch will help.

The Lover are Losing's picture

Even if you knew all these things before, but when you really fall for someone else, you forgotten everythings you knowed, you racing down the road you don't recognize, you just realize you forgot your way home, you will never find the way home...... I never chase a girl in my life, I never thought that I would, but then I fall, so hard, so bad......

Anonymous's picture

Hi, hopefully you can help me solve this dilemma.. really messing with my head!

Okay so this girl I am very interested in came out of a 3 year relationship 4 months ago. Is by far the hottest girl I know and pretty much nobody can argue with that, this isn't only my opinion. She knows this too.

Anyways I've been trying with her for 2 months or so, on and off since I'm not a guy who like nagging a girl after things don't go easily in my favor, recently we've gotten closer ( or at least I think so ). So after leaving things for around 2 weeks I bumped into her in a night club, we spoke, danced together, got with each other.. spoke about being close etc and she poured her heart out to me about why she's a little hesitant but didn't give me a straight answer after I confronted her on if she was unsure or just not interested etc. Eventually the conversation got deep, towards the end of the night she kept wanting to make sure I went home etc ( maybe she is a little unsure if she can trust me and if I'd go off with someone else ). She kept telling her sister how much of a nice guy I was, asked me to meet her mum and kept saying her sister approved of me etc in front of her mum.

When i'm with her in person its usually like this, everythings fine and good but this time it was a lot better and closer. The problem is... when she isn't with me she doesn't bother with me much, either replies to my messages after an hour or two and sometimes not at all.. even though recently she's been very flirty a few times. But then the next day she doesn't bother to message me back :????

Very very confusing, I don't want to keep nagging if she isn't interested but it seems to me like so many mixed signals I really don't know what to think! one of her friends told me she's playing hard to get while another told me she isn't really looking to be with any guys since her head is messy from her last relationship and it caused her a lot of problems.. and it seems like it did from what she explained, maybe that's also why she kept telling her mum I was a nice guy?

We've organized things once and a few days before the date she cancelled, when I've asked her to go for a meal or drinks recently she hasn't given me straight answers, but then again she was a little tipsy at the time... -_-

In short, ignores or is lazy to speak to me when she isn't physically with me, sometimes shows signs of being flirty or interested but only for short periods. When she's with me in person she is very flirty and seems very interested and also seems like she is hinting at being with me, asking me to meet family etc but the next day she's completely different.

Should I keep trying or just leave? Am I being the chasing freak or not being persistent enough? This is seriously F***ing with my head as I am very interested. Advice from women or people with similar past experiences would be great!

Frank's picture

Hi Chase

So i met this girl in college and we in the same class and i really liked her.One day she came to my place coz she wanted to get some movies and we ended up hanging out to the extend that we passionately kissed.The next day i saw her and we talked about it and i told her that i am developing feelings for her and she said she is too but she just got out of a long term relationship and she needed time to shake it off.I played it cool and we just communicated most of the time through text and when i mention something like how i feel about her she would backtrack and not reply.Sometimes she would ignore my messages and make irrational excuses not to meet me up.The issue was getting her to hang out with me was a hustle.So i kept on asking her to come and hang out with me till she agreed so she came to my place and we got wild a bit we kissed and we nearly had sex.That day i told me that i was falling in love with her.After that day she has began dragging her feet about seeing me and she would take long to text me back.It was just kinda odd to me.So this other day i asked her to come and sleep over at my place but she did not reply for 2 days and thats when she said she is was not comfortable with that.So i decided to go to her place and get this straight and she told me she cant be in a relationship with me coz she is so overwhelmed and the timing was not right and she has got issues to deal with.Now im confused, does she rily like me or i should let her slide coz this thing has been eating me emotionally.

Ravesh Lalla's picture

I think this is absolutely one of the best put articles I've come across. I'm no psychologist but the science and logic are dead on. I could relate to all thats been said and because of my past blunders i have the wisdom to know what is being communicated is very real. I must keep this to educate my younger generation of male relatives lol.

Lorenzo 's picture

This girl I met through my friends social circle, I met now about two weeks ago we first started talking when she added me on face book and a few days later I asked one of her friends which happens to be my cuzin's girlfriend and asked we if she was single and that I would like to talk to her. Her friend gladly talked to her and she said yes!! So she gave me her number and I started to text her, we hit it off like a rocket and we connected so fast and so deep it was a dream come true, I asked her if she was willing to go on a date with me and she said yes, it couldn't get any better, we talked every night and it was even more deeper of a connection. Then the day came that we where going to hang out and it was great, then we hung out and she didn't seem like she was interested very much she didn't look at me very much and and always tried to look in her eyes and complement her, I did get some eye contact and I was good. She left early. She does have a young daughter which is very important to we which I did earlier in the week tell her I do respect that she does have a big responsibility an that I would never get her to choose me or her daughter. The next day I texted her and she didn't seem to interested in talking to me and that she was going to go hang out with her (male) friend that is visiting the city that she has not seen for a few years. I told her have a great time enjoy her self and told her to text me later, she said thanks and for me to have a good day as well. She never did text me back and he next day se didn't text me until I did at the middle of the day. And it was how her night was and it was short and sweet. She never texted me the next day. It doesn't feel like she was interested when she saw me as much as in the texts. What should I do? Should I give her time and she will come around after she spend time with her friend? And when should I ask her to spend time with me again?
Any pointers will help thanks,

nick_23dj's picture

Dear chase,
I met this girl when i was travelling on a business trip to colombia. I asked her out and first she said no. But then later after exchange of intense texting, she agreed to go out but just as friends as she is a very shy and emotional person. so went out for dinner and everything turned out good. we had similar interest , passions , so we got along very good. so on the second dinner, i told her that i like her and said i am very straight guy so i am putting everything on the table as i was flying back to my country in an weeks time. i was surprised that we got so much comfortable that she came forward and kissed me and we even made out several times.

when i returned back to my country, we were continuously chatting and occasionally sending pictures. but as me being emotional, i sent her some deep messages about me missing her and stuff. but after 3 weeks or so, she said she has cooled down and wants to focus on her career as she is moving to paris for her masters. which then i decided to just talk further and get to know each other and lets see how far this thing goes and she said yes to that.

now the current status is she sometimes tries to make me jelous or just misses my attention , i am confused. i am planning to cut down on the frequency of texting and also willing to walk away for sometime.

please let me know the best approach i should use to take this further

thanks
nick

Dickson Baron's picture

Dear Author,

You make the point that 'chasing' in general is bad.
Use examples of a needy woman, to demonstrate the unattractiveness of a 'chasing' man.
Also, imply that the idea that 'Once I have her she is mine forever' is a false myth that stalkers tell themselves.

I have observed in my life experience, friends and otherwise, chasing women. With flowers, with texts, with persistent 'why don;t you love me any more ? cry baby self pity.
Eventually, after a period of 3 to 12 months, this woman will marry that man. The woman will then determine and persist to stay with that man for the rest of her life, raise his children and be totally committed despite being miserable and arguing a few times per week for the rest of her life.

I believe that 'chasing' is natural behavior in Men, because it often results in flipping the 'Switch' in a woman that turns her from being, independent and child-less to 'a mother of children completely devoted to her man', even if he is mentally and genetically inferior.

Observe nature.
Observe deer in season, birds, frogs, monkeys.
My main problem with the article is the flawed technique of asking yourself what you find attractive in a women, in-order to understand what she finds attractive. They are not the same, nowhere near it.

Anonymous's picture

I just wanted to say this is one of the best articles I have ever read in my entire dating life. Thanks for the insight.

penguin's picture

You generalize about women.
Some very attractive women are very hard to 'get' because they are dedicated to the idea of romantic love and usually involved with someone.
By your logic, you would simply 'move on' and pickup some one who is readily available, as if all women are the same.
But, a man who chases this unavailable woman correctly, romantically, consistently, strongly. He can and often does 'win' her. And yes, he will 'possess' her forever. Open your eyes, there are plenty of examples of women who give themselves completely to a man. They want that 'forever love' that you tend to ridicule. They have had quick pick-up artists on their backs their whole life.. they automatically put a barrier up whenever a guy tries to progress into a physical or romantic relationship.They test his commitment. Note I am talking about the real feminine, super hotties here. Not a run of the mill practical types.

Frustrated_Lady's picture

I had a guy, this past summer (2015) take my business card because he expressed interest in piano lessons (that is what I do for a living and I'm glad to help anybody who is interested in learning); and as soon as he had my number in his phone, changed the tone of the conversation to wanting me and wanting to marry me and take me to Jamaica (he'd known me for under 10 minutes at this point).

I was kind of disturbed by that but I wanted to be "nice" so I left it alone. He has been calling me fairly regularly and texting me since then. Usually it's not rude but it's not wanted.

I have to admit that I have not once responded or answered; partly due to the timing of his calls/texts, but mostly because of my wanting to be "nice" (definitely a part of my need to appear as a nice person/my ego) and not wanting to talk to him. I know I should have nipped this in the bud. But I find it really weird to continue like this with no response. He has now tried to add me to facebook and that is weird to me too.

Jacqui's picture

A note from a female perspective. Some girls like to gain a connection first and that takes time. And what prize or real satisfaction comes from having something straight away? If you can persist (but not stalk) it will pay off. I like my man to pursue for a period of time, if he doesn't then it shows I'm not that special to him. I think this post gives some bad advise. And some good. If a girl doesn't like u it will be clear, you will know when to stop. But it the window is still open and she is still receiving u then keep going. Patiently working towards a goal of her I think is rewarding in itself. For what gained in haste lasts??

Silko's picture

I met a girl 2 years ago.

Actually she chased me longtime at the beginning. I didnt fall in love, but I like her, our conversations, our common interests. We got a relationship where I developed my feelings for her. I was feeling very comfortabel and I stayed myself (not overwhelmed and not losing myself ). We travelled a lot together, did nice things ...
But I felt we missed some connection ... she stayed on distance ... I wondered myself sometimes 'what am I doing next to this girl' ...
Last months (till en June) my feelings got stronger, and I really needed some real time with her (facing, talking, being together) beside the nice trips we did (she did a lot of internships abroad, and I joined her).

End June, she broke up. Her feelings changed out of the blue, she said. She also blamed me never saying 'i love you', or she said she wanted to be more together ... but she never told me that. She kept me out of this information. She did talked with a good friend tough. But not with us.

After break-up, she immediately claimed my attention a lot. Every time I stopped bit communication. There she was back.
I had no clue what was happening.

Till now, 2 months later, I'm actually chasing her (too much), and I'm more or less out of control. Lost myself I think.

I have no clue what happened here. Last week, she asked to have a chat together when she said about our relationship "I realise just now how you lived our relationship, I didnt know (she though it was not important to me)", and also " thank your for everything, especially for your patient last weeks".

Okay, she wants to talk about our relationship ... but since a week ... very silent from her side.

Anyway, I forgot NOT to chase her. But I have no clue what game this girl is playing.

Haraklus's picture

"You fail to make a move or miss an obvious sign"

Yep. I'm in an ambiguous place right now, and fairly uncharted territory for me. I definitely missed a powerful escalation window on our first date, although I did so very adroitly and from a position of relative strength.

Without going into excrutiating detail, I definitely made some missteps -- I think I'm still wayyyy sexier than almost any man she's had in her life, but I didn't nail it perfectly. I think, though, I'm in borderline slow-game, provider territory due to having been a bit too gushy a couple of times. Thankfully, she seems relatively okay with that and has been responding pretty positively.

I'm thinking that is a way to follow up even past a failed escalation window by internally owning the mistake, and not trying too hard. I've been following up / keeping in touch, expressing my interest persistently, clearly, and with leadership, but not crowding her.

Problem is, I've never done this before. I'm pretty decent at the quick close nowadays. I'm not so good at the slow game. It feels strange to keep trying after missing an escalation window.

Semi-sorta rarely emotional's picture

I'm not here to whine about this or anything but this is why I don't really try to get women that much anymore. I like myself, I like just acting in instinct. My instincts basically mean that I'm not attracted to most women but when I am I show it. This whole article seems to be stating that women very much like me who train themselves to act in a certain way, who deny their feeling as and who generally contort themselves into some odd shape or other. I'm not going to sit here and say it's unfair or that women are mean or anything childish like that but I will say that it seems that women are very much set aginst men that love them and will do things for them. I've read enough and it seems like women simply want a certain level of friction. They don't want to get what they want, they want to almost get it... or to sometimes get it... So that it's worth more to them.

I don't like this. I don't like having to train myself to act a certain way. Considering that women also believe that men should "whether the storms of their emotions, perhaps my problem is that I'm too much of a female in my head." I don't have emotional storms, in fact I'm pretty stoic, except when I care about something. I want to be able to show that I care when I do. Its a rare occurance for me and I like to express it. I don't like the metagaming and mental bullshit. At the end of a day I want so.wine who likes me for me and I don't think women are really set up to do that. I think men are but women aren't. They pair up on the idea of future prospects. In any case it frustrates me a bit because the moment I do ally am into a woman... And it's few and far between, I start trying to make her happy... and I totally lose out. But for me, making women happy is the fun part of the relationship. Finally after all these shotty people I deal with I find a girl who impresses me enough that I just WANT to make her happy... only if I do. I'm unattractive. I could read books and what not and learn to "fix" this. It I'm stubborn I guess. I don't think anything is whoring with me. I just find it funny that in this day and age where women are encouraged to be their true selves and act in whichever way they please, I as a man am not accepted unless I follow this incredibly nuanced code of manliness which is entirely unapparent to me. Guess that's just how it is though.

LR's picture

Women are a scarce resource and will always be. They're not supposed to have any desires, either.

skae's picture

So I've met a girl from Colombia. We have gone out a three times. I feel successful dates have taken root. Each date there has been a step of escalation. Tho it is difficult to get her on the dates...the dates seem to be genuine and promising. Should I make a move for a kiss if I see the signs again? Or is it too late?

Hamir's picture

Actually am going thru this right now, but this was a reminder that if she really wanted to be with you, it shouldn't be hard. Thanks fam, Time to move on.
Actually i cried after reading this, much out of the discovery of something, i knew deeply in me but didn't want to admit, i guess i am an emotional person afterall.

Correy's picture

I think im done with women all together.. Chasing and being persistent.. More focused on my career especially after suffering from my basketball injury. Its not like women actually are trying to get to me anyways. There too busy trying to entertain thugs and abusive men..

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