You're Worried About Stuff She Doesn't Care About | Girls Chase

You're Worried About Stuff She Doesn't Care About

Chase Amante

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she doesn't care
You might worry what she'll think of your clothes, hair, mood, or your place. But she doesn't always care about this stuff as much as you think.

There are many things men often think women care about... that they really, absolutely do NOT.

It's one of the biggest mental blocks that holds men back with women. Guy worries about something women don't care about, and proceeds to not try. "I'm too X; she won't want me. So I won't try." "I'm not Y enough; she won't want me. So I won't try." Meanwhile the reality is she doesn't care about X or Y, or not to the extent you think she does.

I have a friend who was prolific with women years back and took some time off from proper dating. He's now getting back into the swing of meeting new girls. The other day he had a sexy girl eye him up hard... another guy was hitting on her friend, and this girl wanted my buddy. But he had a few reasons to not go for her: he had to finish some work he had a deadline for, and also... his place was too dingy and dirty. He'll switch to a newer, nicer apartment in a few days and prefers to wait to pick up until then.

The work thing is understandable. But the apartment thing stuck out at me.

Because women (most women) do not care about a dingy apartment when they are into you enough.

I have slept with plenty of women in small, crummy apartments or hotel rooms.

I have shagged women in friends' filthy, crumb-filled, stained sheets that hadn't been changed in months.

I have shagged women on the dirt outside, shagged them on rocks, have gone raw on countless women I just met (most objections I've gotten to that have come during or after, rather than before). I have shagged women after not having showered for a week. I have shagged women when I had body odor they complained about (but not enough to stop the sex. Also, just for the record, my body odor is usually not bad. Not sure why it occasionally is. Diet? Stress? Who knows?). This is all stuff about which a whole lot of guys would say "Oh no, I couldn't possibly have sex with her now, because X!"

Women will tell you they care about all this stuff. But mating itself is a dirty act, and once a woman decides she wants you, dirty stuff she'd have told you would be a deal breaker other times largely stops mattering.

I grew up compulsively clean, too. It took me time to get over that, and to realize all but the most germophobic women do not care about it, when they want you. I get a kick out of dirty lays today. It's a bit of a thrill to be some girl's dirty man. Many guys these days are too tidy to be that for her. (that said, I do usually try to keep things clean. If only for my own peace of mind)

However, this article isn't just about being a dirty lover. It's about ALL the stuff guys use to talk themselves out of taking action... yet that girls don't actually care about.

There is a lot more stuff guys think women care about that they don't than dirty apartments, sheets, showers, or smells.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.

GET CHASE’S ONE DATE SYSTEM

Comments

Bo's picture

Hey Chase,

Very timely article. Just last night I was doing research on self-consciousness and stumbled upon a fair amount of interesting research. In short researchers have found that there are two types of self consciousness: public (an awareness of the self as viewed by others) and private (the tendency for introspection) [1].

Public self consciousness makes you more aware of how you are percieved by others and research has showed that it can magnify the impact of positive and negative social outcomes [2] as well as make it harder to express your true thoughts and feelings [3]

As someone who was very self conscious, both publicly and privatly, I can say that it has very deterimental effects in seduction (crippling approach anxiety, being too nice and nonthreatening) and will limit your success with women if not handled.

The only remedy I've gleaned from research is to change the focus of your attention from self focused to task focused attention. While research has shown a correlation between self focused attention and heterosocial anxiety in high school boys [4], and that self focused attention is extremely prevelant in people suffering from clinical disorders [5] (including depression [6]), I've seen studies that like this [7] that show that the difference between those with test anxiety and those without was simply that "the highly test-anxious person divides his attention between self-relevant and task-relevant variables, in contrast to the low-test-anxious person who focuses his attention more fully on the task."

I'd love to see you tackle self consciousness in an article Chase. Although I've come far in battling my own self conscious thoughts, it's still something I struggle with as a budding seducer. I'm sure your take on the issue would prove to be helpful for tons of guys like me.

Best,

Bo

 

Sources:

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-consciousness#Psychology

[2] https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1980-20980-001

[3] https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1981-25771-001

[4] https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/BF01173909

[5] https://psycnet.apa.org/buy/1990-14799-001

[6] https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2F0022-3514.52.5.994

 

 

 

 

 

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Bo-

A lot of very interesting points and citations here.

Absolutely, focus on the self leads to stress, second-guessing, hesitation, "analysis paralysis", and just about any and every type of anxiety.

In terms of self-focused versus task-focused, what you're doing with the mental redirection I talked about in my beating depression article is training yourself to focus on tasks and not on self.

Much of the inner game-type stuff on GC you could boil down to being about this. Pick concrete, specific, small, achievable goals you can focus your attention on, so you get it off the big picture of "oh, I still do not have what I want. How long will it be?" and focus on doing what you can do instead. Put the focus on the task and the woman and do not worry about yourself once you're out socializing. The stuff about victim mentality. And so on and so forth.

It'd probably be good to split it out into a specific piece on "taking your focus off yourself."

I'll get it into the article queue and see if I can get something up on it soon.

Chase

stef xxx yyy's picture

loving you Chase, hope you do not eat too much junk food and get to live past 100 in perfect health!

1984's picture

So what do girls really care about? or more specifically, what do girls really care about that guys are not worried about (but should be instead)

Are you going to write an article on this one, or are there already articles that deal with it?

thanks

Author
Chase Amante's picture

1984-

Asking the real questions here!

Well, there's a very large degree of subjectiveness between what one woman finds attractive in a man and what another does.

When women are younger their tastes tend to follow more conformist tendencies, since they're around peers and consuming media fairly heavily. Once they hit their mid-20s or so their tastes start to diverge quite a bit. Though even among younger women there's a lot of taste difference.

Here's an article where I talk about the myriad things women care about, and how much it varies between them.

I'll give you a few examples of this to make it stand out a bit:

  • If she's a gold digger, her #1 priority is to find a rich man
  • If she's a total gym bunny, her #1 priority is to find a gym jock
  • If she's a corporate office gal, her #1 priority is to find a professionally successful guy

These aren't absolutes, and you'll find exceptions. But even among the exceptions, most are passing (the gold digger who dates a poor guy for a while, but eventually dumps him for a rich guy; the gym bunny who dates a banker for a while, but eventually has an affair with a ripped guy from her gym and leaves the banker for him).

Then beyond the #1 priority, the other things a girl prioritizes come into focus. She's a corporate office gal first, but she also really loves (art | travel | irreverent humor | BDSM | pick one). If she meets a corporate guy who's into that as well, he has  a leg up over other guys. But then there are her #3 and #4 and #5 concerns.

Then there are the "detriments"; most women aren't looking for the most stunning gorgeous, filthy rich, redwood tall guy they can find, but rather they have "minimum requirements" below which guys get docked points. So long as the guy is over the minimum requirements, the better he matches her priorities the better odds he has with her. If he's under her minimum requirements on one or more things, he has to be exceptional on something else she values to make up for it.

Sorry if that's not as specific as you'd want.

You can see this with your own buddies though. Ask three of your buddies, one-on-one where the others won't hear, "What are the four most important qualities of a woman you'd want to date for six or more months?" and see what they each say. You're going to find they each have different answers, and probably care about stuff you don't care about, and if you tell them what you care about they won't care about all of it themselves. Steve might say he wants a girl who'll go out to party with him and likes to socialize, while Bill might tell you he wants a quiet girl who'll stay home with him and a girl who goes out all the time would drive him up the wall. Ted might tell you he wants a girl who's at least five years younger than him because he doesn't like old women's bodies, while Frank might tell you he won't date girls more than two years younger than him becuase it's too hard to relate to much younger women. Women are just like this.

Chase

Ben's picture

Hey chase this is a odd question,but i'm hoping your experience with women can set my mind at ease. How much do women care about how your penis looks? Assuming you dont have visible stds or warts. I have birthmarks on my junk and some scarring from when I used to chronically masturbate by dry humping my bed years ago. I also have razor bumps in my groin area from shaving. I never showed a girl my dick so I worry that when the time comes for me that she will react negatively to mine or ask why it looks different and not wanna fuck because of that. It doesn't look as bad as I used to think back when I was more anxious about it and I constantly focused on it. I know women aren't aroused by the look of penises and some told me they think they're ugly and they don't care how it looks. I apologize for this unusual question I know you've probably never been asked before. Thank you.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Ben-

There are some women who are very visual... but it's not a lot of them.

If you shag enough, you'll run across a few odd women who want to take a look at your dick or find penises fascinating. Usually this is the high sex drive ones... whether they like penises just because they like sex so much, or whether the testosterone that causes their higher sex drives also makes them more visual, I'm not sure. But there does seem to be a connection.

In general when I sleep with a woman she is not even going to see my penis. My general mindset is "her seeing the dick = potential LMR", and I prefer to just get her horny enough and wet enough that she's just lying back, moaning, with her eyes closed, and out comes the dick, and in her it goes. Only time a woman will see mine before sex is if she's blowing me or if I've hit a wall of LMR and decided to try PYCO ("pull your cock out"... which sometimes works).

So, I wouldn't worry about it.

I have keloid scars on my shoulders, a large birthmark on one of my legs, very pale skin... women rarely comment on any of that, and by the time women get to seeing it we're always past the point of no return (either having sex, or we're about to be). Never has caused me any issues.

Also, if you're worried about your penis, why shave your pubic hair? That seems like the one best way to say "Hey, look down here, I've cleared away all the distractions so you can get a great look!"

If you're shaving because you've heard women complain about unshaved men... well, it is just one of those things women talk about. I have heard women talk on end about how they hate men with hairy back or chests or butts, and yet they never say a thing when you're actually there naked with them about to start plowing them for the first time. Maybe after they've been dating you a month they'll ask if you'd ever shave.

Also, if you're unshaved but she has great sex with you, she is going to start to like having a hairy guy.

If she even cares. Most women do not pay a lot of attention to men's junk.

Women are selfish. The only thing a woman really cares about is if she enjoys the sex, and the buildup to it. If it's good for her, she will not care what the thing that gives it to her looks like.

Chase

SZ's picture

1. My bad chase, I didn't clarify what I meant; what I meant was why didn't I get luckier more when I went out for 2 nights a week for years.

2. So 4 outings at night during the week? what about day game? I can't imagine going out that much alone. I have a lot to ask about this topic so I'm going to break it up.

a. how often to do day game?

b. I thought you said a lot of flakes come from going out at night? it seems you were leaning more to day game than night?

c. I only know places that are open from Thursday to Saturday and thursday night sucks, am I supposed to go Wednesday to Saturday? what nights when you went out were good 4 times a week, and what was the pattern? club all 4 nights? club and bar 2 times?

d. how long do you recommend to go out these many days a week? when will it be enough so we can focus on other things? like is the a certain amount of lays? or something to let us know we don't have to go out as much?

e. if I don't have my own place or even if I do, how do I pull and know that I'm safe at their house or if she's safe enough to come to mines and to know where I live?

f. how do we make all these approaches in venues without looking thirsty or like a pick up artist? a dating coach said that approach that many girls makes you look thirsty and low status, which makes more women reject you. so how do you pull this off every night and not look like that? is it ok to go the same spots on the same days every week?

g. my nights cost a lot, like $50 bucks, a lot of places cost to get in, then I gotta pay for gas, pay for parking, pay for a drink, so it all adds up. I have to drive everywhere where I'm at. what do you recommend? and what are we opening with when we talk to all these girls and when do we leave the convo?

3. dating apps and youtube redpill and mgtow have made me so bitter.

these women act like models on apps, they waste time and never respond to anything. it's maddening, then I watch videos about red pill and mgtow because it's funny when these men bash women. these dating apps, women in general are so entitled now they treat a lot to of dudes like crap.

how do I stop them from acting like this and should I cut the apps and videos off? I need some good feedback fro these girls.

4. when you said when you have approach anxiety to focus more on approaching than the number, what exactly do you mean? I think what you're saying is to focus on making approaches, but how do you do it without focusing on numbers?

Thanks

Author
Chase Amante's picture

SZ-

On those questions, as well as those of your comments below:

  1. I have no idea, man. Wasn't there and couldn't tell you!

  2. Decide on a mix that suits you. I gave an outing count for night game, if that's what you want to do. Play around with it, experiment, find a schedule that works for you and that you will stick to. I don't want to go into the speculative details more than that because... man, start going out regularly, then ask me that stuff if you're still scratching your head. After three weeks of a regular going-out schedule you'll have answered most of those questions yourself :)

  3. You know what the solution I've found for bitterness from content you consume online is (whether dating apps or stuff you read/watch)? Go out in the real world and talk to actual people. It's a lot more fun and refreshing and freeing than staring at a screen.

  4. If you are mass approaching in an obvious way, that is not normal for a guy at any age. If people know you are doing it, they will look at you funny, sure. Solution: don't do it around people you know, or be low key enough about it it doesn't look like you are mass approaching (i.e., be a social guy who talks to guys as well as girls).

  5. I don't know what age you'd like about yourself on dating apps... I try to stay off them as much as possible. You'd need to ask a guy who puts a lot of time into them and has it down well.

  6. On both clubs and apps not working -- there are one million different things it could be. Maybe start with SAC and go from there: similarity, arousal, compliance. Do these girls feel similar to you? Are they aroused? Are they complying? Work your way through SAC, figure out how they're responding and where the problems are, and start to work it out.

Chase

SZ's picture

I also forgot to ask, is it normal for anyone older than mid 20s to be going out 4 times a week and approaching all these girls? won't you be looked at funny? like you should be home with a wife or focusing making money or something?

and one thing that annoys me are guys that have slept with a lot of women, but tell you that if you do that you'll be a thirsty broke guy, basically he's saying that if you don't let women come to you, you won't accomplish anything, but yet it's cool for them to sleep with a lot of girls and do the opposite? they claim that's why they were broke; chasing women, but they brag about all the women they get. there is a way to talk to a lot of women and get laid a lot while still be successful at the same time right? I'm trying to make sense of this because I know you're against the "build and they will come" thing that others say you should do instead.

and at what age should you start lying about your age on apps and in dating in general?

Thanks 

SZ's picture

hey chase,

I know you can't give me exact advice, I'm looking for something generic because I have no idea what I'm doing wrong.

so the same thing is happening with clubs, I get attracting(matches) but it goes no where. we talk for like 2 messages or we talk for a while and it goes no where. I try to move fast within a few messages and ask for  a number or date.

 

so I'm getting really frustrated, I'm not getting anywhere at all, and sure I can quit, but that means I'm losing out on 2 funnels, I want all funnels open and to get good in all of them.

so what could be a basic problem on why I can't get dates from the club or apps? we either barely talk where I can't mess up or we talk a lot and I make sure not to say to much, there's nothing to think on about what I did, I see nothing wrong and I change my approach a lot. so what could it be?

thanks 

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