In Part 1, we talked about why the double-bind happens:
A woman stalls courtship to seek more information through a man’s investment, but this kind of investment reduces a woman’s attraction to him.
A woman stalls courtship when a man seems unattainable, which means he seems very attractive but she hopes to rope him into a commitment by making him invest more before sex.
Both these elements combined create an unwinnable scenario for either party – by the time a man has invested enough to seem attainable to her, he has also killed his attraction and she no longer wants what she once wanted.
Now let’s dive into strategies to counter the double-bind – and ways not to.
Some women want you to feel like you could never have them (yet pine after them regardless).
Some women want you to court them, seduce them, and make love to them.
Some women just want you to think they’re amazing.
But the one thing all women have in common is they want you to notice them, look at them, and pay them attention.
As a man, this is important for you to understand. All the women around you fight for your attention. They do it in different ways. Some tempt you; some shame you; some scold you; some befriend you; some agree with you. All seek to have you notice them, listen to them, and invest your time and energy into them.
You must understand you can control which women receive your attention... and what they must give you in exchange for it.
But just because you can control this, doesn’t mean you will. Many women are far better at extracting attention from men without giving things men value in return for it than men are at getting what they want in return.
I did much of my early approaching in nightclubs, and took plenty of phone numbers from them. Yet time and again, the numbers that panned out were almost all from the minority of approaches I did outside the club – in transit, on the street, via social circle.
Even if I met a girl who liked to party and club on the street or in transit, I was still a lot more likely to get a date with her that way than had I met her in the club.
There were exceptions, of course. I took phone numbers from girls I met in nightclubs and bars and managed to sleep with them sometimes. But it was so infrequent it stood out.
Yet eventually, I fixed it. After enough years in the game, I reached the point where phone numbers from nightclubs are almost as reliable as phone numbers from girls from other places. How to fix the club-flake problem is the subject of this post.
If a girl likes you but withholds sex past a few dates, an investment-attainability double bind may be the culprit.
Have you ever gone on a first date with a girl and things went well with both of you seemingly enjoying each other… then found yourself struggling to take her home and shag her, and instead of doing so, you agree to meet once again for yet another date?
Have you then found yourself going on multiple dates with that woman – some of them quite intensive and creative – and yet, she still refuses to go home with you. Or if she does go home with you, she shies away from having sex? Has this gone on for over five meets?
Today, we’re going to talk about one of the most common double-bind situations in courtship, where a girl’s desire to get a guy to commit to her results in additional investment-seeking – in the form of deferring sex.
This draws out the courtship and causes her to lose interest in him, and they never get together or have sex. Instead, both the man and woman just waste a bunch of time and leave the situation unhappy, not getting what they wanted.
Despite the pop culture memes, women don’t actually know you definitely want sex… unless you make it clear to them.
There’s this pervasive belief many men have that women must automatically know you want to have sex with them if you do. Women on television claim men are all about sex, or always have sex on the mind, and roll their eyes at perpetually horny males. Women you meet in real life get in on the act too; they may complain to you “guys only want sex.” And men see these things, and hear these things, and assume women must actually mean it.
There is an important realization to have about this ‘belief’, however. That realization is that it is far from an absolute belief. Any more than even a deeply woman-skeptical man who says “The only thing women want is money!” genuinely, truly, at his very core, believes “the only thing women want is money.” You know, and I know, and that guy at his core knows that every time he meets a cute girl, what he thinks is “Geez, I sure hope she likes me for me.”
Women do the same thing with “Guys only want sex.” It is the same statement as “Girls only want money.” Neither sex absolutely believes it (though the more cynical members of either sex may be strongly opinionated about it). Yet they repeat these statements nevertheless.
We won’t bother to deal with the women-only-want-money belief, since that isn’t affecting us here (and we’ve dealt with that and similar women-only-want-X beliefs in the past). For this meme’s effects on women, just look at all the women who rush to pay for their own meals in the West now; many of the women who rush to pay are women who fear being labeled with the “This chick only wants money from me” label. Today though, we’re going to put the men-sex statement under the microscope – because of the impacts it has on you, Dear Reader.
How do you know your girlfriend is losing interest and checking out? There are 7 signs of this, from makeovers to disagreeableness to new Sex in the City gal pals.
Picture this: you get into a relationship with a girl, and at first everything is pretty good. Not perfect, but good. Things coast along for a year or two, consistently pretty good: she’s fun to be with, she cooks you nice meals, you have nice sex. It’s good.
Then at some point, things start to feel ‘different’. It’s hard to put your finger on what. But it feels like your girlfriend is losing interest. Your gut tells you she is checking out... but when you confront her on it, she tells you not to be ridiculous. It’s not that she’s checking out, she says; she just wants to [whatever it is she’s doing]. You grumble a bit and try to ignore your misgivings. Maybe she’s right and it’s all in your head.
A few months go by and the relationship quality is now definitely not what it used to be. When you try to talk to her about it though, she dismisses the thought. More and more, she seems checked out of the relationship.
Eventually she tells you she wants to “take a break” for a while and maybe get back together again later. You knew it was coming; but you couldn’t put your finger on exactly why. And you knew of no way to stop it.
Today’s article looks at the 7 most common signs a girlfriend is ‘checking out’ of your relationship. These are the signs she isn’t out yet – but might be on her way there. Forewarned is forearmed; if you don’t want to be broadsided by a surprise breakup (or a surprise affair), these signs are your fair warning. Note that these signs serve equally well for wives as they do for girlfriends; any serious relationship is subject to the same potential signs.
Yet man is a herd animal. Cram him into a wall-to-wall,
shoulder-to-shoulder crowded concert or train station, then spook the
herd, and you kick off a stampede. People may die, crush others, or
trample, as throngs of panicked individuals, each catching the sense
of panic from the next, surge over and against each other for the
exits. In the aftermath of some deadly stampedes, investigators
can find no emergency and cannot even figure out what caused the panic.
Show a man a market craze that everyone is getting in on and watch
lose his mind. In China, peer-to-peer lending has exploded as the
economy has declined, even though defaults on these loans are sky high
and the prospect of getting a return is dim. A few months earlier in
the West, a Bitcoin craze thundered across the market. It was
unrelated to any improvement in the usability or acceptance of Bitcoin
as a currency – in fact, over the past several years, Bitcoin has only
grown worse as a currency.
100% of Bitcoin’s increased valuation
was due to market speculators buying up Bitcoin to cash in on the
Yet during Bitcoin fever, everyone was an optimist, telling friends,
family members, and coworkers to “buy, buy, buy!” Today, five months
after the crush began, the price of
Bitcoin has come very close to where it was before the stampede ever
in the process, thousands of people made fortunes, and thousands of
others lost them (I personally know a few folks on both sides). Every
bit of those gains and losses came at the expense or benefit of someone
else gambling the other way.
(side note: fun dub of a Russian music video a friend of mine who
was heavily invested in Bitcoin shared with me during the peak of the
These, of course, are extreme scenarios.
And much of the time, even for people aware of human herd mentality,
the concept gets peacefully tucked away into a kind of “only in
awareness. Only in extreme situations, we tell ourselves, do humans
behave in mindless, herd-like
ways. The rest of the time, we are those unique, separate, totally
consciously in-control individuals
we tell ourselves we truly are.
However, this isn’t how it works at all. Man, as a social animal, is
every bit as groupish as ants, horses, biofilms, and wildebeest. More
to the point for our purposes, if you want
to peel a woman out of her group, or get her to do what you
wish in public, an understanding of how grouping and herding works in
the people you’d like to influence is key.
When you have more than one girlfriend, a few rules are key: she may suspect you see other women, but you must never give her PROOF.
Welcome back to the Harem Series!
In Part 1, I shared the vital importance of Queen Theory, and why every woman you’re dating emotionally must feel like your #1 woman at all times.
I also recently wrote an article where we talked about the core differences between monogamy and non-monogamy: getting bored and losing interest versus dealing with jealousy, respectively. In that article, I discussed how to prevent boredom from seeping into your monogamous relationships. So now we’ll discuss how to prevent jealousy in non-monogamous relationships, and the importance of being discreet.
This article was inspired by something I witnessed one night while in one of the cafes I frequent. I know a few of the regulars who go there. There’s a cute girl, Rebecca, who is sought after by some of the guys, including my friend Rob. Rob has been after Rebecca for over a year, but she’s never paid him any heed, even though they were friends. Eventually Rob moved on, and a few months later started to date a new woman, Elizabeth, whom he brings to the café from time to time after she gets off work. I’ve met Elizabeth, and she’s cute, fun, and cool.
That night, I witnessed Dave take a chance and seduce Rebecca just to see how far he could get. Elizabeth wasn’t there, and Rob was playing a video game on his computer, facing Dave across the table. Rebecca went right along with Dave and did it in her own way; she placed herself on Dave’s lap right in front of Rob while she and Dave were flirting with each other. And I got a second-row seat to the action as well. It got to the point where Dave was massaging her back and putting his fingers in her mouth while she was giving him sultry looks. Rebecca was openly talking with Dave about great sex, and Dave could have taken her out to the back right then and there and shagged her if he wanted.
She was having fun, but she was also doing all this because of her jealousy for Rob and Elizabeth. Rebecca really wanted to make sure he saw how desirable she was to his business partner. Some guys might ask “Why didn’t Rebecca just get with Rob when she had the chance?” Well, it doesn’t always work that way with women. The point of this story is also to show you how jealousy can manifest – and it can cause some extreme behavior.
If she likes you, but opts not to hook up with you, what does it mean? Why, it means you’ve failed her Chad test – and now she’ll make you wait.
You’re back alone at your place with a girl. What you know about her: she’s adventurous, independent, and, by all indications, probably has been with her fair share of men. Perhaps she’s shared some of her old war stories with you: guys she’s been with, wild hookups she has had, sordid escapades gone by.
For some reason, it feels slightly off. You feel like she likes you, it’s just... her walls are up.
You decide to go for it anyway. She’s near you on the couch, with her body turned slightly away from yours. Her arms are folded, her expression slightly tensed. “Come here, you’re so far away,” you tell her. She scoots a little closer, but she doesn’t seem excited to do it. You put your hand on her chin to turn her face toward yours. She stops you.
“I don’t feel ready for that yet,” she says. You feel let down. After all that talk about all her crazy past hookups... and now she “isn’t ready?”
“I should probably go,” she tells you. You figure she’s blowing you off. And to be honest, you’re not really feeling it yourself either. Her defensiveness has killed any interest in her you had earlier. You walk her to the door. “I had fun,” she says. “We should hang out again soon.” You grunt a response and let her go.
Two weeks later – you haven’t bothered to message her – she texts you, asking what you’re up to and why she hasn’t heard from you. It seems so weird... this girl resisted intimacy when you brought her back, but she still wants to meet up anyway. Why? For what?
Slowly it starts to dawn on you: she likes you... just not enough to make you one of the men she gives it up too fast.