For a woman, being promiscuous can be socially devastating, so she employs “anti-slut defense” to maintain a perception of purity, even if she wants to have sex with you.
Hi, guys. Today we will discuss theories of anti-slut defense – a key subject in pickup and seduction.
We’ve discussed anti-slut defense on multiple occasions – covering both what it is, what it looks like, and more importantly, how to deal with it. In this post, we will get theoretical. I will get more detailed into what it is, and especially – where it comes from.
Before we get into that, let’s explain what it is to our new readers. Hopefully it may serve as a recap to those who are more experienced.
What Is Anti-Slut Defense (ASD)?
Anti-slut defense refers to a common female defense mechanism against social sanctions related to the slut label or any negative perceptions related to female sexual behavior. Even though we may have entered a more sexually liberated era in the West (for good and bad), the truth remains that many women still feel, or at least act upon, the female promiscuity stigma. After all, some men still judge women for acting upon their needs and desires, which, in my opinion, is their right as much as men.
Also, other women will slut-shame and judge other women to gain a competitive edge in the mating market. All this contributes to a potential sexual stigma many women feel.
It is so ingrained in most cultures that, despite a few recent cultural changes toward a more sexually liberated world, it cannot undo the harm caused by the sex-negative norms related to female sexuality. Young girls learn from their parents that screwing around is bad, and this impacts their self-worth.
And even though sexual liberalism is found all over and promoted by women in the media, social media, and pop culture, the stigma remains. They will always bump into judgmental people – those who will not only judge them but also potentially impair their social reputation.
Women care deeply about where they stand in the social hierarchy. Their status, and particularly their “sexual status,” has a huge impact on their desirability to men. Many men are looking for what I call “virgin sluts” – girls who can satisfy all their sexual kinks and needs while being “a clean Madonna.” This is closely related to the common Madonna/Whore Complex.
Men seek purity but also get bored with it. What irony.
Many women are aware that men seek “purity,” so she will:
- Hide her sexual desires and needs
- Deny herself to guys
- Hold back potential promiscuous behavior
- Back off from their sexual advances
She will act asexual to not come off as “slutty,” “easy,” or “impure.” This behavior – or defense mechanism – is what we refer to as anti-slut defense. And it can be both verbal and non-verbal.
You’ll hear verbal statements like:
- “I am not that kind of girl”
- “I never had a one-night stand” (rarely true)
- “I am not a slut”
Anything resembling this is a clear sign of ASD.
But it can also be communicated non-verbally:
- Resisting your moves
- Pulling your hand away
- Pushing back and telling you “Hey, that’s too much.” (but this can mean many other things, like lack of compliance/attraction)
Anyway, you get the idea. We have numerous posts about how to deal with ASD and resistance.
- Women Really Do Like Sex
- How to Use Pattern Interrupts to Bust Through LMR
- What to Do When Women Resist Your Charms
Here are some suggestions before I move on to the next part of our discussion:
- Display low-key behavior
- Be a sexually liberated man, displaying a sexually liberated attitude
- Show high social value (can minimize ASD)
- Isolate her
- And to some extent – persistence, as it reduces the girl’s guilt since you were the one persisting after all)
There are two types of anti-slut defense – external and internal. Understanding both and telling them apart is key to understanding what technique to employ – even though most techniques will have a positive impact on dealing with most forms of anti-slut defense.
And again, like everything else in this field, try out something. If it doesn’t work, do something else. We never possess full information about a situation, and therefore, we must make assumptions and calibrate accordingly. This is no exception.
External Anti-Slut Defense
This is usually caused by external factors like her surroundings – for example, social circle, her friends, or professional circle.
External ASD will cause her to avoid certain behaviors so she doesn’t feel judged or viewed negatively. Mind that those "judges" don’t always have to be close circles, like friends, but could be acquaintances and even strangers. For instance, women care about their public perception, so if they feel judged, even if by total strangers, it is still a big deal to them.
Sometimes, basking in the perception of purity overwhelms her desire to get nasty with you. If you want action, isolate!
In other words, if she feels like she is socially exposed, her defense mechanisms will pop up. Therefore, it is generally a bad idea to escalate too much physically in front of her friends unless she is one of those "I don’t care what others think" kind of girls, or her friends really like you. (Social value can actually help diminish anti-slut defense – I have written about this in my post on the importance of social value.)
Viable solutions to this form of anti-slut defense:
- Isolation (should be done at all times – if possible)
- Display low-key behavior
Internal Anti-Slut Defense
This form is a bit complex, as her surroundings do not necessarily cause it (however, surroundings can reinforce it), but it’s related to internal factors like her self-image. In this case, she is afraid of feeling like a slut. It’s because all her life she has feared this label, and the experience becomes traumatic for her.
Therefore, even if there are no people around, she may still have her defenses up, because hooking up with you may make her feel dirty, unworthy, and slutty. This can be a tough one, but these girls usually love feeling liberated – unless their defense is caused by a strong belief, such as Christian or Muslim values, etc. (even then – I once had a girl put on a hijab post-sex!)
The way you deal with this form of anti-slut defense is by:
- Reframing sex as natural and not a big deal
- Being nonjudgmental
Anti-Slut Defense Caused by You
Or any other guy.
This is a big one. Some women will put up their defenses, not only to protect themselves but to appear as more attractive potential long-term girlfriends.
They feel that (or even know that) many men want “virgin sluts,” and therefore will put on that mask – a false purity to make the guy think they are long-term girlfriend material.
The problem is – it is usually only a mask. I once knew a guy who met a girl like this. The guy kept on insisting all my girls were sluts – what a jackass.
And interestingly, he kept insisting how his new girlfriend was not like the rest – she was no slut. She was pure, only his, and never had a dirty past.
That same night, I met this cute blonde at a private party. Things escalated quickly, and we made out. We ended up in a bathroom, and I screwed multiple of her holes. The sex was passionate, and she enjoyed it.
We eventually parted ways.
Later, I met this guy (different guy from 3 paragraphs up) who introduced me to his new “pure” girlfriend. It was the girl I just had filthy sex with in the bathroom. Yup.
Of course, I kept my mouth shut.
The point is, if you are looking for purity, you will be looking for something fake. Does that mean women are dirty? No! I think the right way to think about that is to try to learn to enjoy women for who they truly are. I believe you may even discover they are cooler than you, though. In my opinion, women are cooler, more fun, and more interesting once you start to understand and accept them for who and what they are.
Anyway, back to my point. Sometimes women will have fears about you being open to accepting her as the sexual being she truly is and therefore will hold back her sexual needs and desires. It may be a response to something you did or said, but it can just happen for no reason, perhaps out of habit on her part.
No matter what, make sure you handle it right.
Suggested solutions are generally the same here:
- Reframe sex as natural and no big deal
- Display a nonjudgmental attitude; be nonjudgmental and open-minded
Now let’s look at two different theories related to anti-slut defense.
Anti-Slut Defense: Two Theories
I always believe that understanding a phenomenon is not only interesting but also helps me tremendously to apply solutions and come up with new ones.
For these reasons, I will present two theories about anti-slut defense, or more precisely: slut-shaming.
Slut-shaming is a direct cause of anti-slut defense. Anti-slut defense is, again, the response to it – the female defense mechanism to avoid exposing themselves to situations where their reputation is at risk.
Feminist View
This is the classic view you will often find in feminist literature.
This view says that it was men’s fault that slut-shaming was introduced (and hence, anti-slut "defense" – although feminist thinkers rarely discuss this phenomenon).
The idea here is that men started slut-shaming to control female sexuality.
“I can’t believe she’s flirting with that dork instead of me. Slut.”
One of the theories implies that men wanted to control female sexuality to display social dominance. I do not know if I truly buy this one, but a better theory is that men controlled women to secure a fair distribution of sex partners. Considering that most men are unable to get women with ease, it was instrumental for the social fabric to guarantee a “fair” distribution of sex partners. I discuss this view in one of my first posts on the secret society.
Another theory is that men wanted to stop women from screwing around in order to guarantee their offspring were theirs. This is an intriguing view initially shared by Engels in his book on the history of the family.
Economic View
A critic of the feminist view is presented by Psychologist Roy F. Baumeister and Kathleen D. Vohs (Baumeister & Vohs 2004).
I discovered this theory recently, and it blew my mind! You should absolutely check it out. This theory says that women introduced slut-shaming not only as a means to gain social advantages (which we see happening often – women calling other women whores and sluts) but also to gain a market advantage.
“I can’t believe he’s flirting with that slut instead of me.”
The idea here is that women will conspire together to limit men’s access to sex through slut-shaming. By shaming women into not easily “putting out,” access to sex becomes more difficult, and hence the value of the female sex, in general, increases. This could in turn allow women to gain market control by creating an imbalance between supply and demand that is truly in their favor. It's a brilliant strategy, to say the least.
I find this theory fascinating, and to be honest, I need to reflect more upon it. For now, my conclusion is that both theories are true, and they probably both discuss two different causes (a social phenomenon can often have multiple causes).
Additionally, the feminist theory may be true, yet women have capitalized on men’s behavior to benefit themselves as presented by the economic view – a theory to play around with for sure.
Anyway, that covers what I wanted to discuss here. For more on ASD and how to deal with it, refer to the many links throughout this article.
Recap
Today, we discussed anti-slut defense – what it is, what it looks like, and what causes it.
Key points:
- External ASD – caused by her surroundings
- Internal ASD – caused by her feelings, related to her identity and self-perception
- ASD – as a tool to appear attractive
Later, we discussed two theories behind slut-shaming. One implies it was used by men to control women, and the other more or less implies the opposite.
This is a crucial subject to understand for anyone into pickup, seduction, and dating. I hope you found this useful.
Questions and comments welcome.
Until next...
Alek
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