How to Never Have a Sexless Relationship (the Sex Trump Card) | Girls Chase

How to Never Have a Sexless Relationship (the Sex Trump Card)

Chase Amante

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11

sexless relationshipOver the years I've seen friends go through relationships where after a while their woman stops having sex with them. When it happens, the guy is shaken; his self-esteem slides hard. When a man needs something, and is denied it by the woman he thought was there to be his partner for that thing and many others, his view of himself can crater.

I've never had to deal with a sexless relationship for long. A few times in the rockiest parts of soured relationships, I've had female partners do their darnedest to avoid sex with me. I reached a point with one ex like this where it would take me an hour or more of me doing everything I could to break through with her every time before I'd finally get some bone-dry vagina. I've had partners sour enough with me they'd completely dried up for me for sex (like that one), or sometimes firmly denied me for stretches of time.

But in the end, they always ended up pursuing me for sex and initiating on their own again.

I've had some longer relationships... some past the point where other friends' relationships have seen the sex dry completely up. I've had girlfriends whose libidos have waxed and waned. But me getting enough sex with them, except for short tumultuous stretches before I fix whatever the issue is, has never long been a problem.

This is a thing most people dread, the sexless relationship / sexless marriage. It's something when people fall into it, they become lost, confused, lonely, and hurt.

They don't know how to remedy it... and can't find a way out.

Yet, the most reliable cure for sexlessness is a simple one.

It's a position you can adopt that will motivate any partner who wants to keep you to be a whole heck of a lot more flexible with her sex life with you.

That position is this:

I completely understand if you don't want sex. But I NEED sex, and I'm going to HAVE it. If you can't provide it to me, I'll be sad, but again, I understand.

You will find out very quickly at this point whether she wants you enough to change the sex life... or whether things are so far gone it's time for you to hit the eject button.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.

GET CHASE’S ONE DATE SYSTEM

Comments

Jensen's picture

First off,

I have to say one of your articles you did a little bit ago was amazing.

https://www.girlschase.com/content/what-caused-trust-collapse-between-wo...

Very eye opening stuff that I will keep with me for a long time so thank you for making that article. Makes me feel secure no matter how crazy society gets though on the other hand it makes me a little dissapointed what is in store for all of us in the future. I don't see society going back to being very trusting with eachother and I don't see gender warriors dying off anytime soon. Lots of men and women are being raised since little kids to distrust one another though feminists seem to have the mainstream appeal with media, academics, and the press while mra's have that alternative underground counter culture appeal for lots of men and men like to feel distinguishabel from the rest of society so I see a good chunk of them joining that group. Likewise, some young women are joining feminists groups because they are told by media and academics that men are holding them back from everything whcih makes them evil and everything else negative and it is all just toxic. Makes me hope I don't end up with one but what do you do if you do?

How do you convince a feminist that men aren't evil even when she throws rape and murder statistics in your face? What do you say to that? How do you show her the goodness in men?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Jensen-

Well, just don't date any hardcore feminists.

'Soft' feminists are fine, since most people don't actually have rigidly defined values, and are more or less going with the crowd. Once a woman is with you, assuming you're an even reasonably strong dude, and she is not some hardcore radfem, she is going to bend herself to conform with your views. More on that here: Is It Ever Okay to Date a Feminist?

How do you convince a feminist that men aren't evil even when she throws rape and murder statistics in your face? What do you say to that? How do you show her the goodness in men?

Why would you want to? What would be the possible utility?

I've had very few real-life conversations where I've run into this. Where I have, I've just played dumb, and acted like it was the first time I was hearing it, and also that it was not about anything connected to me:

HER: Men are just vile! They rape, and they kill, and they strangle puppies, and they won't take you seriously when you tell them you have an advanced degree in Intersectional Aboriginal Lesbian Gender Studies!

YOU: Wow, it sounds like men are pretty bad news. I'd avoid them if I was you.

HER: I wish I could! But we live in a patriarchy, where men have all the powerful positions! You can't get away from them!

YOU: Aren't there any all-women businesses, or communes run by women? Maybe a country you could move to where women run the show? I heard in Sweden something like 60% of lawmakers are women, and the men are all just super feminist allies.

HER: I don't know but I don't want to run away. I feel like we have to stay here and fight.

YOU: That's noble of you. I know if it was me I'd just be like "Screw this, I'm not staying where I'm unwanted. Peace out."

After the handful of conversations I've had like this, the woman is always like "He gets it. Chase gets it. Guys need to be more like Chase." And they tell this to their male feminist allies who claim to agree with all their positions, which I always find rather absurd.

My personal stance is unless we are close in some way, she's not going to listen to me. So there's really not a need for me to try to 'convince her' of anything.

Also, if she's going around proselytizing, she is not really someone I need to spend my time debating, since she is a foot soldier. The only people I am going to debate are a.) people who are close to me / people I care about and have influence with, b.) people who come into my house (if someone wants to debate me on GC, okay, maybe, if the discussion is worthwhile), c.) if I'm put on the spot in public and there's an audience, then maybe, or d.) if it's a person with actual influence in a movement, that is someone worth debating. I'm not going to debate a low level foot soldier who's just repeating her marching orders though. I suggest you don't either.

If you do have cause to debate a feminist (like, say you have a feminist FWB, and decide to have it out with her for shits and giggles), best thing is just some good old fashioned Socratic questioning:

HER: Men are such diabolical creatures!

YOU: Why do you say that?

HER: They rape and blah blah blah

YOU: That's terrible. Do women do anything bad, or it's just all men?

HER: Well, women do some bad stuff too, but not as bad as men.

YOU: How come we don't just get rid of men, you think?

HER: Well, it's because of patriarchy... it's because of physical strength differences... etc.

YOU: How about with guns and all now? I would think women could rise up against men and just start shooting them if they won't listen, right? Women got women's suffrage passed and they weren't even able to vote to do that. They just leaned on men until men did what they wanted. How come women can't do that with other stuff?

HER: Well we can't just start shooting men... blah blah

Basically I am going to accept her premise that okay, maybe men are terrible, so what should we do about it? And see what she can come up with.

I know what she'll come up with... it'll just be something about how men should change their behavior and give more stuff to women and do more stuff for women. Which is easy to deal with:

HER: Men need to be better allies and blah blah give money to women blah blah do stuff for women

YOU: I think that's great. Do you think there's a limit to this? Like if we make all men tithe an extra 10% of their paycheck to women, and we force men to step aside for women in any career a woman wants, what if we do that and women still aren't at parity? Should we increase the tithe to 20%? Or just ban men from leadership roles? Is there a point we decide it isn't working, or we just keep going forever?

HER: Um, well I think maybe we could increase it a bit more but blah blah

YOU: Oh okay. I see.

By the time you're done with all this she should feel so unconfident about her solutions for this 'problem' that she is going to think a lot harder about it the next time she feels like getting up in arms on it.

And maybe she will actually have a real conversation with you next time.

Like, instead of trying to lecture you about what evil subhumans men are, she might ask you if you think XYZ is actually a problem or not.

Then you can actually converse. Rather than have to listen to her chicksplain ;)

Chase

Jensen's picture

Wow, thanks Chase.

The socratic method also can apply to any conversation honestly with anyone who has extreme opinions of anything. That is very useful stuff I especially like this bit of philosophy you put in

"My personal stance is unless we are close in some way, she's not going to listen to me. So there's really not a need for me to try to 'convince her' of anything.Also, if she's going around proselytizing, she is not really someone I need to spend my time debating, since she is a foot soldier."

There is no point into wasting time with footsoldiers with extremists views as it does not do you or anyone much good. Your bit of philosophy also follows the law of least effort in a way I notice. When you get the base concepts of what GirlsChase is founded on you can usually figure out the answers to very specific things or questions like I have. That is what I will try to do from now on.

After the handful of conversations I've had like this, the woman is always like "He gets it. Chase gets it. Guys need to be more like Chase." And they tell this to their male feminist allies who claim to agree with all their positions, which I always find rather absurd.

I bet some other guys do this as well. They just want to find someone to sleep with and as long as the feminists is cute enough he will sleep with her but won't commit anything else to her. That leads these feminists to have warped views that most people agree with them and also makes them bitter that the only thing men want is sex when they have been actively turning men off from pursueing anything deeper with then which then leads them deeper into the bitter feminist hole. Sad stuff.

 I am going to read your answer over just so I have it memorized because all of it is life changing stuff.

Ben's picture

Hey chase so one of the things you've mentioned in this article and other countless articles is that as a man your woman has to know that you have the ability to walk away and get other woman,but what if you are relatively inexperienced and don't have that ability yet and she knows it instinctively? As a beginner should you even get into a relationship with a girl? If I got that girl I have been eyeing at work who may also like me is it smart for me to get in a relationship with her even if she moved departments? You won't have that abundance , you won't know how to lead, and she probably will be able to get away with what she wants like going out to drink with her girlfriends or telling you what to do. Also should you even have a high standards for a girlfriend as a beginner especially if you're a virgin? I think about the standards you and hector have for girlfriends and they are very similiar, conservative two parent household, bachelors degree, intelligent,beautiful, confident,strong willed, big breasts and/or big butt( for hector lol). Should someone like me look or try to make girls similiar to this my girlfriend? Or should I lower my standards like in that article you've written? I assumed that lowering your standards applied strictly to girls that you simply wanna fuck and don't neccesarily want to enter a relationship with. When you're new it's inevitable that you will come off as a boyfriend/provider since you don't have the mindset or characteristics of strictly a lover. So it's almost like the expectation will always be set that you wanna be their bf. And this can be bad if you just wanted to sleep with them to build up your self esteem,experience have a good time and don't wanna hurt them.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Ben-

All great questions. Let me answer...

what if you are relatively inexperienced and don't have that ability yet and she knows it instinctively?

Fake it till you make it. Women want strong men with options. This doesn't vary, whether a gal is a virgin herself or she likes inexperienced men or whatever her M.O. is. You must strive to have enough emotional control over yourself that you can at least rationally realize that you're being handed a raw deal, and enough self-respect to say "It is emotionally very difficult to pull myself away, but if she's going to behave shitty, I must."

As a beginner should you even get into a relationship with a girl?

I'm 50/50 on this. Most guys start off having some kind of relationship with a girl in high school or college, and sometimes the ending of it is messy, but it doesn't seem to set them back any.

I think the ideal if you can pull it off is to have a girlfriend, and treat her like a full girlfriend while with her, but not be exclusive. Then go out and continue to rack up more experience with one-night stands and the like, additional to your primary girlfriend. Most guys won't do this though, but it is the ideal path for both emotional and skill development, if you ask me.

Anyway. I don't think getting into a relationship will hurt you.

If you get into one early on into your seduction journey, it will retard your skill development.

However, it's also a pretty typical thing. Most guys get into this to find a girlfriend. 2-6 months going hard and they meet a gal who's outside their regular league, bed her, and just dive into the relationship head-first.

Then sometimes 1-2 years later they come back and say it didn't work out and they're going to take another crack at the game and get serious this time. And sometimes they get right back to it, while other times their mojo is gone and it takes a year+ to find it.

I'd probably recommend trying to bed at least 5-10 girls before you take a monogamous girlfriend, if you're going to do that. At least get that baseline level of skill developed before you drop back out of the game. That way if the relationship doesn't work out (and beginner relationships often don't), you're not starting from zero again the next time around.

Also should you even have a high standards for a girlfriend as a beginner especially if you're a virgin?

Yes.

You can lower your standards for lays. That can be a very worthwhile thing to do.

You should not lower your standards for girlfriends.

Should someone like me look or try to make girls similiar to this my girlfriend?

You should aim for whatever standards appeal to you.

When I started out, I did not care about bust size, family background, or education level. My first girlfriend had a Master's degree, and I decided I like that. She also had A-cup breasts, and I decided I'd like them a little bigger. She had a stable family background; it compared very favorably against women I'd been with with unstable family backgrounds. All that stuff went on my requirements list. Her sides were a little straight up and down; she wasn't overweight, but she lacked that pencil-thin waist / hourglass figure, and I decided I wanted that too. Age also became a requirement for me with time... I was happy to date women in their late 20s or early 30s when I was young. Then it become "I won't take up with a girlfriend 30 or over." Then "I won't take up with a girlfriend 27 or over."

With later girlfriends, I decided I cared about not having a girlfriend who's too soft, or one whose attachment style is not secure, or one who has excessively partisan viewpoints.

As a beginner, my only requirements were:

  1. She must be beautiful
  2. She must be intelligent
  3. She must be kind
  4. She must have a good personality

Which are all my basic requirements today, but I've fleshed them out with various things I look for specifically now, that I've decided are important for me as I've gained in experience.

When you're new it's inevitable that you will come off as a boyfriend/provider since you don't have the mindset or characteristics of strictly a lover. So it's almost like the expectation will always be set that you wanna be their bf. And this can be bad if you just wanted to sleep with them to build up your self esteem,experience have a good time and don't wanna hurt them.

Yes, but women will also be able to tell you're inexperienced.

And in general you are likely to attract more experienced women who are just cool with your inexperinece level. Often these women are not going to want relationships with you. You may find yourself chasing relationships with them.

As an inexperienced guy, you'll notice inexperienced girls (who do not put out nearly as many signals) less, and you'll miss opportunities with them (largely because they don't know how to give men opportunities) far more.

Even if you do meet an inexperienced girl, many of them just want to fumble around and get more experience too, and aren't necessarily looking for a life partner.

So usually you are going to be fine.

Make sure you've read this article, if you haven't yet:

Tactics Tuesdays: What to Do If You're Not That Sexy (Yet)

And don't worry too much. Most of this stuff you're going to figure out as you go. It's okay to make mistakes (and pretty much unavoidable).

Chase

Neal's picture

Hey Chase.

I want to tell you a new concept and that's men shit-testing men in front of women. You know how women have men in their friendzone? And they never straight up ask them "Do you think I'm sexy, would you fuck me" sort of thing. Well sometimes I can do that to men in front of her, to see if he flakes out, acts all insecure about it. (This would make her attraction to him go down.). But this is the side of me that thinks like a woman. For me to shit-test men. It's kinda fun. That's 1 way to stand out.

Unfortunately I also shit-test women.

1. You know how sometimes when woman approach a random guy to say a few things and leave, causing the guy to go "damn, I wish I asked for her # or something" well then men can learn from this and do the same to women.

2. In a Facebook groupchat a girl with big breasts and ass, posted she thought her Uber/Lyft driver was hot, I bounced it back to her "Did you tell him that?" "You have the balls to tell us that, but not to him?" "Where are your balls" etc and etc.

Simon Iowa's picture

Hi Chase. Thanks for the article. Very eye opening and it seems totally reasonable. But one thing that yourself and BluBlac59 have in common is that you are good looking guys who can replace a woman if you want to. BluBlac59 said so himself. What about guys on here who have naturally poor fundamentals and are needing to use all of the GC wisdom just to get their first girlfriend and keep her around? Should the guy still take the gamble and risk walking away even though they will be empty threats? Is he instead stuck, as you described, with anything the partner puts on him? Also, it seems like this question is pertinent in any situation where the woman is quite a bit better looking than the man.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Simon-

Well, improve your fundamentals ;)

I don't know how good-looking BluBlac59 is. I have seen a lot of guys say "I am a good-looking guy" where the guy has pictures of himself, and women proceed to tear him to bits in the comment section and say he is not good-looking at all. Maybe that's not the case for this guy and he genuinely is good-looking, but as far as I'm concerned it's pretty much the law of the Internet at this point... claim you are something, and a thousand voices will protest you're not.

I appreciate you saying I am too! I get that from some women (and some guys). I also get women who say I am not that attractive. Some who say I am okay, but not that far above average. It's extremely subjective. So in general, I won't worry about it. A woman can tell me I am not attractive (and mean it...), but experience tells me even if she thinks I'm not good-looking I can still attract and bed her regardless. Although if I end up dating her then I will need to listen to months or years of her reminding me I am not attractive and XYZ random guy is much better-looking than I am (doesn't actually bother me any... I will just rib her on something else, like her cooking or cleanliness or whatever makes for an easy target).

What about guys on here who have naturally poor fundamentals and are needing to use all of the GC wisdom just to get their first girlfriend and keep her around? Should the guy still take the gamble and risk walking away even though they will be empty threats?

I was 20-25 lbs overweight, with a terrible $12 haircut, a mumbly voice, and the fashion style of an overgrown man-child when I took my first girlfriend. She was way out of my league and luck played as much a role in me getting her at the time as my still-beginner-level game did. There were a few times I had to threaten to walk, and actually did walk, early on, despite being terrified I'd never be able to find another girl remotely in her league again. I did it though, because at least to me, even as Chubby Chase, I could not have lived being stuck in a situation where I felt trapped. I went through that everyday for the entirety of my teenage years and early 20s, and basically realized I would rather be alone, having to figure things out on my own, then stuck in a bad situation.

So I guess I would say... if you totally lack abundance, then look for that part inside yourself that would rather go it alone than be trapped, even if that meant giving up something you weren't sure you could replace.

That doesn't mean be cavalier about threatening to walk over the slightest thing.

But you should have that ability tucked away, able to use in emergency situations.

If you don't have it, and can't summon the willpower to walk away from a bad situation, bad situations will find you.

All my girlfriends are quite a bit better looking than me, by most of my friends' estimations, as well as my own, by the way ;)

And I will still walk if they're going to be irresolutely disagreeable on something crucial.

Chase

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