Telling Women You're NOT Boyfriend Material | Girls Chase

Telling Women You're NOT Boyfriend Material

Chase Amante

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not boyfriend materialLast weekend I spoke at a gathering of the San Diego pickup community. One of the things I skirted over briefly, due to time constraints, but that guys asked me to spend a little more time on and seemed very interested in hearing about, was on disqualifying yourself as a boyfriend.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.

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Comments

M-E's picture

I thought I'd chime in since this article is one of the few of the PUA variety that doesn't seem to demean women by painting them as emotional or stupid.

I just had this situation happen. I was at the end of a long term relationship with a guy who wasn't putting out so I jumped at the chance to bone a guy who happened to be in town for a short while. My bf at the time was also going to be out of town. A window of about 2 or 3 days existed to have sex with this guy who although interesting, was not boyfriend material because of his looks, laziness, drinking/drug problems, etc. He made it clear he didn't want a relationship (but then again it wouldn't have even been possible given his short stay) and I made no mention of a relationship.

Just have to add something about this:
"Now how about sex with a girl you don’t even like all that much. Say, a girl who’s cute but completely lacking in the personality department. Or a girl who’s not even all that cute, but she’s there, she’s available, and you’re horny."

Sometimes a girl will purposely be rude or have an attitude with you when she knows it's in the bag because, hey, you're a hookup, not boyfriend material, so why show you my sparkling personality? Or why even shave for this guy? lol It's nothing personal, just a timesaver.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey M-E,

Yeah, that's a perfect example of what I'm talking about here. That's the case of a guy you'd never consider as a boyfriend candidate, but you're fine with going for a roll in the hay with.

The funny thing is, most guys think this way about their options with women, but they tend to assume that women are totally different and DON'T think like this. "Oh no, I have to be really nice, because women only want to date men who will be serious with them," goes the thinking.

Men tend to segment for this reason: you get the guys who get big strings of hook ups, but utterly fail when they try to have relationships, and you have the guys who end up in really long-term relationships, but getting a girl in anything other than a long-term relationship is well nigh impossible for them (e.g., rule out one-night stands for the LTR guy because he can't get them -- women don't want him for that).

The LTR guys often are pretty jealous / envious / resentful of the hook up guys, and women usually (publicly, anyway) tend to demonize the hook up guys and talk about what "great" guys the LTR guys are, but they still go to bed with the hook up guys and ignore the LTR guys until what they want is an LTR. And all of this makes perfect sense from a totally rationale stand point -- if a woman wants to hook up, she's going to go for a guy who's good hook up material, and if a woman wants an LTR, she's going to go for a guy who's good LTR material.

Your other point about women wanting to hook up having an attitude problem is a great point -- in fact, I'm going to get a post up on this. Thanks for the posting idea! It's something you see in lots of women, but many men out there take it as a sign those women aren't interested and scram. Sad turn of events much of the time for those men...

Cheers,
Chase

Jimbo's picture

You mentioned that the short-term hookup guys usually don't have much going for them, not even the badboy mystery thing; I think that's not true, and that the above poster's example confirmed my suspicions. The non-boyfriend-material guys usually do have that badboy vibe about them, or as in her ^ example, being that loser, my-life-is-a-mess, fringe-of-society type that so many girls end up with (drug abuse, laziness, etc.) Obviously, those don't make great boyfriends, but you'll notice still attract many girls for both short- and long-term relations.

ADE24's picture

Yes there is something alluring about a guy who can't be boyfriend-material by any stretch of the imagination, being either so down-and-out or unavailable that he's only good for a fuck. These guys are the male equivalent of skanky girls.

Loner's picture

Man, and I'm neither of these types of guys it seems... *sigh*

Jimbo's picture

You just have to be interesting in some way, have something to you as a man, even if you just photograph pigeons on the roof. That interest/intrigue is what will spark her attraction.

Loner's picture

Would be nice if that'd work, wouldn't it? But unfortunately, it doesn't. Not for me, at least... Guess I just can't get it across. My main social hobby is dancing (taking dance classes and going to social dances). Apart from that I don't do that many social things currently, I just don't have the social circle for that. Maybe my social skills are just so atrociously bad that I'm shit outta luck.

Jimbo's picture

My main point was for you to be interesting. It's not about having a hobby in and of itself, it's about being interesting, having that little something more to you that takes you from "just another walking zombie" status. Having some peculiar hobby like photographing pigeons taking a crap was just an example; you could also have tattoos and whatnot, be famous, have a sports car, etc.

Anonymous's picture

What you described in this article helped me begin to understand what motivated me to act in a certain way as a woman. You seem to have a lot of insight on this topic, and I was hoping you could please read further and tell me what you think: I was in a 2 year ltr with T in which I thought I was happy. I, however, was not satisfied at the time and did not realize this until I met another guy, S, on a cruise. Before I left for the cruise, T and I were having problems. While I was breaking my back my back trying to resolve these issues and compensate for everything that was lacking in our relationship, he seemed to have completely given up. All of this conflict foreshadowed a breakup, I thought, and as a result, I began to emotionally withdraw. My single friends and I went on a cruise. Since I am good at dancing, I attracted the attention of many guys at the nightclub of the cruise, but I rejected anyone who came up to me because I had a boyfriend, whom I still loved despite our issues, and I never thought of myself as a cheater. S, though, was different. He was persistent; he made me feel wanted, attractive, and unique- all of which T was failing to do at the time. S had qualities of someone I could imagine having a ltr with, but I was already in one, so he did not interest me. One night, I finally agreed to take a walk with him on the top deck. While we were talking, he said proudly "I've had a few girlfriends, but i've NEVER been in love. I'm not looking for a relationship/love." All at once, I went from accepting his invitation out of politeness to feeling special that he had chosen me. Suddenly, he became a challenge and his unavailability was intriguing; it occurred to me that he could be just a fling- a temporary bout of excitement. At first, I accepted his company because I wanted attention, and he fulfilled that need. I did not care about him. We never kissed or did anything that constitutes cheating. He tried to kiss me once, and that was when I realized that this seemingly innocent friendship I had with him was making me emotionally estranged with T. I became so disgusted with myself for having these thoughts and desires. I felt guilty for emotionally cheating and as soon as I returned home, I broke up with T because I felt unworthy of him. I am still angry at myself. After a year of not talking, T sent me flowers and apologized for his shortcomings, and I revealed what I had done. To my surprise, he was not mad and forgave me. We are together now, but I am no longer sure of who I am since this happened or what/who I want. Before this happened, I thought T was who I wanted to possibly marry someday, and I missed him desperately the whole year we were apart and thought I made a terrible mistake. What causes uncertainty, though, is how I went from being a loyal and devoted girlfriend who knew who/what she wanted to this woman who is confused and unsure of her decisions/commitments after having met S. Thank you for reading this, and I hope you can clear some things up for me.

'buck's picture

This isnt chase, but Anonymous, you sound like the girl I was in a 2 year relationship with.

I had been going through some very difficult times mentally, and perhaps because I had a hard enough time sorting out my issues, I didn't have enough of me to share and make her feel the way I used to make her. I never strayed from the relationship, I remained loyal through all the crazy stuff she would pull because I loved her...but for a short time I couldn't even love myself. She had a similar situation as you, she never had sex with someone else, not even anything physical, but the curiosity of something new lead her to stray for a split second.

After finding out though, I didn't stay calm like your boyfriend did, I was angry and wondered why she would do this to me? I broke up with her, and got back together a week later, and the relationship was never the same afterwards. After reading your post, I just now realized it was because of my inability to lead and keep her satisfied that the relationship soured. If anything we should have broken up sooner. Thinking back she wasn't all that great of a girl for me anyway.

That was a super long story, but I love the way this website has helped me understand some of my shortcomings and to get on the track of self improvement.

Thank you to Chase, Ricardus, and everyone else who bring such awesome content!

Jack's picture

Chase,

Love the posts. Here is my question. How do you achieve this if you happen to be the male equivalent of a relationship unicorn? Just a bit of background. I'm a tall, good looking, very fit (sub 10% body fat), ivy-league educated hedge fund manager with a few more zeros in my bank account statement than the average bear.

My problem is not so much attracting women, but getting them to either 1. not feed me a line of BS about their past (I'm not willing to settle down with a high count girl), and/or 2. not have them push very hard to get me into the boyfriend track (not willing to wait too long to get laid particularly if there is limited long term potential). I get that this is a high quality problem, but its a problem none the less.

Any thoughts.

Cheers.

Jack

ADE24's picture

Anonymous's picture

Maybe people should just stop playing games with one anther and we would all final get what we wanted. I understand people like to have casual sex but isn't worth all the risks and emotional drama? Jeez what is happening to the world.

Marty's picture

Chase: as this is my first posting, let me preface my remarks by saying that over the past months I have developed enormous respect for the intelligence and effiency of your problem-solving approach, the sheer amount of effort that has gone into it, and the way you combine academic rigor in your references with deep, cutting analysis and thousands of hours of real-world experience. I have read perhaps 150 of your articles and every single recommendation that I have tried works as advertised; I feel sure the rest will fall into place as I press on.

Moving swiftly to the matter of disqualifying oneself as a candidate for a committed relationship: how soon in an interaction do you believe I should typically reveal the existence of my wife? In the past, I always liked to get this out of the way as soon as seemed natural—e.g. "Do you have a bicycle?" "No, but my wife has one"—but this sometimes sent the girl into what I now recognize as auto-rejection. On the other hand, women don't like being lied to and I favor your principle of being upfront about the nature of my interest. My focus here is really on cold approach (day game, which I now vastly prefer anyway), as I imagine that anyone in my social circle will either know my relationship status or discover it very soon.

Levent's picture

Hi Marty,

it is very rare to see a married PUA. a lot of people are very judgemental of us. i am married and i try to learn PU to. if you like to get in touch to share some ideas and experiences and techniques and game. please let me know. i would like to be your email wingman to study together. i live in Scotland.

hope to hear from you Marty

Robby7's picture

I too would like more information about telling women I'm in a relationship...

What is the dynamic supposed to be like?

I feel like the woman would really jump on this, and want to go into detail talking about it, for example asking about my girlfriend, if she knows, how we got to this idea etc etc... which I have no problem with in itself, but I can see some hurdles with this...

Also, it seems like an awkward thing to bring up on a date with a girl!

Thanks

Rodimus Prime's picture

You're never told a girl you were "just friends" with that you've met someone? Jealousy ensues. Sometimes with your "friends" becoming extremely forward and aggressive towards you one specific night, especially after they have a few drinks (lower inhibitions, way to save face, etc.) This exact situation has unfolded before my eyes many times - with and without the presence of alcohol. It's simple supply and demand, is how I think of it.

I find the title topic very investing. I realize this article is around 4 years old, but just within the past year I'd noticed an odd trend with women; it was better to tell them why I was bad for them, than it was to tell them how good I was for them. Chase explained it far better than I could've, however.

Thanks again, Chase!

Loner's picture

You're never told a girl you were "just friends" with that you've met someone?

I at most told a female friend that I met someone interesting. Because I've never been in a relationship in my 28 years.

Jealousy ensues. Sometimes with your "friends" becoming extremely forward and aggressive towards you one specific night, especially after they have a few drinks

Life must be nice when you have any sort of attractiveness going on for you... Nothing even remotely like this ever happened to me. And throughout my life, I had mostly female friends, not many male ones, because I get along better with women.

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase,

I love this article a lot. And I've had the same experience with my last girlfriend. That was easy to tell her since she told me she did not want a relationship at all. I told I understood and I liked being with her a lot but couldn't promise anything for the future. And that made the thing although I did not know I had been using a technique, I had really meant that. We were in bed quite quickly, on the first date. And then we spent 4 months together, were living together.

My question is at which point do you tell this to a girl? And how can you drive the conversation to that point? Or should you just inweave it somehow subtly into your first conversation e.g. during deep dive / talking about yourself on a date?

Thank you.

besztian's picture

Hi Chase,

I love this article a lot. And I've had the same experience with my last girlfriend. That was easy to tell her since she told me she did not want a relationship at all. I told I understood and I liked being with her a lot but couldn't promise anything for the future. And that made the thing although I did not know I had been using a technique, I had really meant that. We were in bed quite quickly, on the first date. And then we spent 4 months together, were living together.

My question is at which point do you tell this to a girl? And how can you drive the conversation to that point? Or should you just inweave it somehow subtly into your first conversation e.g. during deep dive / talking about yourself on a date?

Thank you.

Sensual Seducer's picture

Hey Chase,

I'm trying to avoid becoming an early boyfriend, but I feel like women put me on the boyfriend/LTR track WAY too quickly. It doesn't help that I'm decent looking, have a good job, nice place, new car...

Recently, I bedded one girl, and went on a fun date with another, and now they both keep trying to initiate conversations via SMS, and it just won't stop! It's like their first priority upon waking up is to text me "how's your [morning|afternoon|evening] going?" I never respond right away, but usually within a few hours (when convenient for me.) They always respond much faster than I do, and sometimes send a follow-up before I even reply. Now I'm thinking I should have never responded at all. I only did so because I didn't want to be too aloof, and possibly send them into auto-rejection. Did I play this all wrong? Was it already too late? What should I do different next time?

The thing is, I'd LOVE to bed them both [again], but neither one is exactly LTR material to me; one even has a husband in an open relationship. I don't want to damage the potential for a future hookup, but I want stay far away from boyfriend territory with them, and most importantly, I don't want to hurt either one.

What should I do here? Do you think it's too late to communicate that I'm not boyfriend material? Is my goose already cooked?

I know it'd be really easy for me to go out and find more girls, but that seems like such a waste when I already have these two at my beck and call. Plus, going no-contact and/or moving on might hurt them (if they're already this attached), or backfire and just make them chase harder due to preselection.

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