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How Many Partners Has Your Girlfriend Had? Find Out Here

Chase Amante

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how many partnersHere's a post that's sure to raise some ire.

Ricardus and I were discussing men's tendency to want to sleep with sexually open women, but to date or settle down with or marry sexually conservative women - and how difficult it is actually figuring out how many partners women have actually had because of this. You see, women are acutely aware of this male bias against sexually experienced women when it comes to getting into serious relationships - and they do everything in their power to avoid getting pinned as such a woman.

"Everything in their power" here including, sometimes (okay, oftentimes), stretching the truth, leaving things out about their forgotten pasts, and, well, lying.

Of course, women don't think of it as lying. It's more like, "Well, I slept with that guy on vacation, so he doesn't count," or, "That guy was totally gross, I should never have hooked up with him... as far as I'm concerned, that didn't really happened."

It's a form of selective memory used by a woman to preserve her idea about herself as fitting perfectly into society's recommended mold: that of the "good girl" who doesn't give it up too often to men. Women who do part with their bodies too easily, society tells women, aren't valued as highly, so it's a big no-no.

But, well, women are people, and people like and want sex, and sometimes it... just happens. Of course, a woman doesn't want other people to know it just happened... at least, not as much as it actually has just happened... because that impacts her perceived social and reproductive value.

So, she stretches the truth, leaves things out, and, where necessary, tells a lie or two.

Any women reading this site may not especially like this article, but if you're a man who's seriously considering a relationship with a girl, and you want to know what you're actually getting instead of what you're being told you're getting... how do you tell who's whom?

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.

GET CHASE’S ONE DATE SYSTEM

Comments

Assortedthings's picture

I agreed with you until you wrote the section on "confident girls". Most girls I've met who have been with 20+ guys are insecure or have some mental issues. They do know what they want and typically will be willing to upgrade if they can at the drop of the hat. I typically do not sleep with girls who have been with 10 or more men, the risk of stds is significantly greater but I digress. The 3 or 4 sluts I've slept with have all been a Fuck buddy type relationship. These "girls" we're shitty people and the only reason I spent time with them is to fuck and leave. Friend of mine entered a relationship with one of these girls a few months ago despite the advice I had given him. She tried fucking me and I'm sure she was fucking many other men as well. Advice to fellow men out there, do not date a girl who's been with ten or more men. And if she says she went "crazy" in college just do yourself a favor and stop talking to her. As a white male I'd also add don't sleep with girls or enter relationships with girls who sleep with black guys. These girls if they aren't ugly as sin are typically white trash and it's not worth it to you to associate yourself with that class of person. Lest you want someone to do drugs with in a beat up minivan you live in down by the river.

rhubarb's picture

Is it possible that in an effort to feel in control of life this article over simplifies?
Other commentors have mentioned the age related aspect - i.e. that older women will more likely have slept with more men. After all, once you've dated a guy a couple of months you tend to have sex since you want to know if you're compatible as well as just being attracted to someone. The numbers would mount up over years, unless you're lucky enough to find your perfect partner 1st or 2nd time round. Maybe we're all faced with too much choice and options these days though, and are less likely to stick around to make something work.

Also, speaking from my own experience and motivations, those so called number 3 types (the hurt and bitter ones) also react that way if they've met someone who's been misleading. They may not behave angry etc when in the actual relationship, but only after when they've genuinely been let down or over played.

This blog alone is testament to the sheer amount of bullshit men will invest in order to get women into bed! If she had expectations she was honest about and he lets her down, she's absolutely entitled to feel angry due to being misled. It's a healthy reaction, as long as she can move past it emotionally.

It can be very difficult to know how a man will react post-sex, even if you've had a talk about not being into anything casual, and been honest about past hurts and that this has made you cautious about getting involved too soon. Some men go out of their way to make you feel safe and set up what you might call 'the nest' to reassure. Then they suddenly realise they're in real feelings territory post sex, i.e. they realise it's no longer a game, that they've been intimate and that this raises expectations in a woman. She doesn't need to say anything, it's just the way it usually is. Some men can man up at this time, whether that means being honest that they made a mistake because they're an asshole, or reassuring a woman so she relaxes into early relationship mode again (you've discussed the post sex follow up care really well elsewhere, but there are surprisingly few men who'll do this unless they're very much in love).

Lastly, I've seen quite a few women, whether in their 30s up to early 50s, who've been bitter and angry or cynical about male behaviour post-sex, but this has taught them to choose better and they're now in long term good relationships or married. Those women have maybe had 20+ lovers if they're above 45 or whatever. I've seen those women bag really great, attractive and experienced men. Experience can also hone discernment, and 20+ lovers does not by any means always indicate either bitterness, or a tendency to not equate love with sex.

These observations are from my own perspective as a woman in her late 40s, my pool of observation is wider than yours perhaps. Also, it must be said, though I've had 20+ lovers, I have never cheated. I do not agree at all with that statistic. Sleeping with several men can indicate many things - i.e. you're addicted to sex, or you're seeking the right man. When you find him, why cheat?! No, my understanding is that in this life men or women are the type who cheat, or not. It's a deeper character-related thing. Still, there are some good observations here, and the 'horny women' feature made me laugh

laila's picture

At first i thought this article was very annoying. Then i started to relate to the naive girl. i saw myself in my previous relationship... the 2nd stage girl also. It was so true i had to laugh. Then i read the about angry girl....and it almost made me cry. ( ok.... it DID make me cry) and i got SCARED. Until i read about the confident girl ..... and i realized there is still hope. something to work towards. maybe i just need to sleep with more guys, that must be the answer.....(or i just need to take an anger management class).idk

bottom line- i like your point of view. whether your observation of us "wild animals" is true or not true..... who fucking cares. at least you're observing something more than what you see on the surface.

Alejandro's picture

I think this applies for guys too, but with a different angle. What do you mean by "maybe I just need to sleep with more guys" (I advice you do no matter what), as in 5 more? 20 more? Me myself I have had 11 sexual partners and still feel on phase one, freaking naive. And I think 11 more might not change a thing.
PS: Maybe we need a "how to tell the number of sexual partners a guy has been with" article, Chase?

ppp's picture

No dear Laila, there is no hope in that meaning. Your happiness and value does not depend on your count, or on one's opinion. Many people feel hurt and it really connected with the number, as it will not improve automatically with coming experience. You have probably very low self-esteem, so you started to believe in something that this poor guy has written, but basically it is just a bullshit.
This article is like a horoscope, everybody can find in any "type" something that he or she can refer to oneself, but it has nothing in common with the truth. If you think that you have some problems in relations, better try a professional therapy.

Anonymous 's picture

I've been seeing a girl I knew from school for a while. She is one of the nicest and most considerate I've ever met. I've dated and been with many women but none as considerate as this one. She has a history of some long relationships and some affairs. Probably category 4 and in her late 40's. She has spent the last 9 years being emotionally abused by a narcissist. I know him and he is truly a sick man. I think it broke her so bad for these types that she might have emotionally went backwards category wise. her life has been such hell that she is dying with regret over lost time and bad decisions. Obviously low self esteem drove her to want to be wanted. I've done be same thing in the past, to be honest. She was loyal and gave her soul to this last relationship but I wonder if it was only because she was chasing his never available approval in a classic narcissist/empath relationship. To chase someone so unavailable for so long sometimes means you yourself are unavailable and so you pick people who you never have to "catch". In the classic distancer/pursuer scenario, both fear abandonment, but one pushes away for fear of being abandoned, while the other draws closer to prevent abandonment. The question is, can a relationship break someone down so badly that it 'resets' their desire and appeciation for a more stable and loving partnership. Some people never end the pattern while others finally lose so many times that they hit the humility they need to search their soul and learn from their past. He knowledge of her children being around the wrong men has overwhelmed her with guilt and regret.

Jimbo's picture

This woman wasn't "abused" by a narcissist; she went for him, and she loved it. Women get off on men who either dominate or manipulate them because they get to say, "He made me do it!"

When a woman says, "Why do I always attract X?," what she actually means is, "Why am I always attracted to X?"

Alejandro's picture

I would tend to agree. I think it boils down to people not wanting to be responsible for nothing. several of my friends, acquaintances, girlfriends would have in common that it would be too easy to put themselves in a situation of "it's not my fault, I'm not responsible". And when it was time to be? they would avoid it like the plague, don't answer phone calls of somebody they owed to, disappear when they had to do something they promised, etc.

Emma's picture

So the more men a woman has been with the less trustworthy she is as someone to be in a relationship. Hmmm sounds rather sexist since men can have high numbers, change their mind and be loyal. In my experience ur just as easily experiencing men. I sat stop categorising, generalising and stereotyping. Everyone makes different choices and respect anyone's number is private and personal. Have u thought it may bring up past emotions u would rather leave behind?

jml's picture

Much of this strikes me as true based on some experiences I've had but i get the feeling there's some nuance missing.

Peter Vincini's picture

Of the following three women, all the same age (27) and started having sex at the same age (17), who is more sexually experienced?
A) Two long-term sex partners, had sex a total of 1000 times.
B) Twenty sex partners, had sex a total of 100 times.
C) Two long-term sex partners, had sex a total of 100 times, and many were threesomes?
Is it the number of acts, the number of partners, or the types of acts?

Paul 's picture

B, but also C doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense because how can you have 2 long-term sex and on top of that many threesomes, unless ALL the threesomes were only with the 2 long-term sex partners? Ignoring this fallacy and reducing the options to A and B, I say the answer is B. Think about how strongly you can recall the memory of being with someone who you've only been with, say, 1 to 4 times. You can probably remember various details of at least 3 if not all 4 incidents. Having sex an average of 500 times with 2 different guys doesn't really add to your "experience", though you likely did become more bedroom-adventurous along the way. On the other hand, having 20 partners an average of 5 times each means you have a strong idea of the variance in lovers, can perhaps even equate personality types with bedroom behavior, and have a generally different mindset towards men you come across in day-to-day life than if you've only had 2 long-term partners. So yeah, I say it's not quantity in amounts of sex, it's quantity in amount of lovers.

John Greco's picture

Hey Chase,

I've been in a relationship with a girl for 9 months now, and she is really dominant and definately browbeats me with drama, although I believe she's in love with me..I pressured her to tell her partner count because I wanted to verify your theory, and recently I learned that I am her tenth

So, your theories, once again come true, about not wanting to tell me her number, how she's always ready to cause drama and how she has a love/hate relationship with me.

The thing is, I really like the girl, she is beautiful (she used to model, but she is the usual model, she didn't like it but did it so she could pay the bills), she's funny, smart, cooks for me and gives massages. Also she has a lot built-in loyalty. So as, you can see, she hits me right in the absolute abundance that I DON'T have...

So my question to you, is there anything I can do to manage the situation?I really feel that after all that drama she One-Uping me and I feel a lot of pressure. For example, I can't predict when she's gonna be moody and I feel anxious about it. I'm pretty sure I'm the One-Down since I'm feeling this way. She's always has something to say about how wrong I was when I did that or the other and uses a lot of moral superiority.

It's just constant beating of drama, moral superiority and the frame that I don't respect her and that I'm an asshole (which I am, to an extend)

I would really appreciate any help you could offer.

Thanks again,
John.

Marc's picture

Don't hurt a girl - steer clear of trusting / naïve girls if you can't treat them very tenderly and manage their expectations expertly, and if you don't want something close to what they do, or what they think they do, anyway (serious, committed, everlasting love).
Is it that some girls want it and some don't or that if it doesn't happen they gradually shift their priorities as it becomes less likely?

Nige's picture

Most guys would check up on the status of a second hand car more than they would check up on a girls background. Like one of the posters above it cost me dearly in ££££££££££.
Cutting a long story short we were together 25 years. Yes our life was a success. I had a rough idea of her number wich was in the 40s. But here became the problem. It wasn't her number but her deviousness. Clocking the 30 year old mark she had a tick list. Success in business, house, baby etc. I just fell into her trap which surfaced later. I was the chosen one to achieve her aims. Yes it worked for 10 years. Fun times. But then when her aims had been achieved she went back to her old ways. That was using sex to control. Unfortunately I didn't find out as she was smart enough to hide her activities and it wasn't until the 25 year mark after she had walked out that the history of our last 15 years showed up the sham it was. She knew from experience that men chased her and loved sex so she used this for thrills.(all unknown to me) . Even the last valentines card said it all. ''YOU ARE MY ROCK...I WOULD NEVER HAVE MADE IT WITHOUT YOU'' Only to true. I was well and truely shafted and cleaned out financially. She floated off into the sunset and I was left to pick up the pieces. History then repeated itself with her bedding all and sundry until she met the next mug.

Paul 's picture

So I played your game, and I separated each bullet point into a multiple choice answer, mixing up the order so i wouldn't be influenced knowing which bullet point correlated with which category. I chose the strongest associated answer, and the 2nd strongest for each of the 10 sets of 4 bullet points. Then I ranked choice 1 2 points, choice 2 1 point. My gf had 11 partners before me, all by 24, and she ended up with 18 points for B (3-7), 5 for A (0-2), 4 for C (8-19), 3 for D (20+). Going further, the 18 B points were 8 choice 1s and 2 choice 2s, the 5 A points were 5 choice 2s, the 4 C points were 2 choice 1s, and the 3 D points were 3 choice 2s. Interestingly

I think your scale is skewed: Ignoring virgins, I'd say it goes more like 1 to 4, 5 to 9, 10 to 17, 18 and up. And it's a +/-3, not 2, for variation between categories. Clearly with 18 of 30 points, and considering there's a max of 20 points (10 choice 1s), my girl falls SQUARELY in category B. So either this is off a bit, or, she's just Dutch and so more inherently sexual and so the numbers skew higher, ha.

S--'s picture

Seriously Chase you shouldn't be that naïve! It's a proven myth that men care more about a woman's virginity or her past relationships more so than vice versa. Reality is something else. Time to WAKE UP!!

KT's picture

I would agree with the 20+. 

I am 29, have been with around 30 people. This isn’t because I was mentally unstable or couldn’t find fulfillment. It’s because ever since I can remember I have had a very high sexual drive. I wanted to experience different men, different places, experiences, etc. I could do casual relationships, FWB and one night stands no problem. I just wanted sex! And sometimes sex without commitment. Because for as clingy as girls can be- guys can be too and I was just too busy to be into it or play games. 

I was never once unfaithful. 

I do agree that we do know exactly what we want and are self assured enough to not settle and give up what doesn’t benefit us. But this is not just in sexual terms more so in grand scheme of a long term relationship. 

I am currently engaged to be married to a wonderful guy who fulfills many of my needs - the most critical ones both sexuslly and not. 

No one is perfect and every relationship requires some sort of compromise but I’m telling you right now if he didn’t fit this well I would not be making a commitment. 

Tomm's picture

I have a new girlfriend she is 19 years younger than me she had depression after She finish high school   She also tried kill herself than her mother kept her close and don't let her doing anything Almost 17 years after she starts working she got first experience of sexual relationship and make fake marriage with someone else also and eith two more guys had sex #1 guy sexed aroud one year #2 made sex 3times #3 made sex 8 times #4 made sex 12 times She stop seeing them Because number 1 was asking her go to swinger club and made her three some Number two and three guys make her smoke marijuana And she almost got a heart attack Finally she find me and she loves me a lot and she is naïve also guys what do you think about her I better marry with her thanks

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