Why Women Love BDSM | Girls Chase

Why Women Love BDSM

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Drexel recently wrote a very choice article titled “Creating an Environment for Bondage and Sexperimentation”, and I wanted to continue to expand on this theme and really examine why women actually love BDSM to the extent that they do.

If you’re at all unfamiliar with the term, BDSM is an abbreviation for three distinct sex-related word pairs: bondage and discipline (BD), dominance and submission (DS), and sadism and masochism (SM). Sounds like quite a handful, pretty far outside the ordinary, doesn’t it? But it isn’t so extraordinary as you might think.

BDSM

Don’t believe that each and every woman in your life hasn’t fantasized about some form of BDSM at least once in her life? Just go ahead and ask all the women you know well. I’m sure you’d be surprised at the result. So let’s look at the motivations and hidden desires that lead to women fantasizing about BDSM.

Colt WilliamsAbout the Author: Colt Williams

Raised in the American Midwest, Colt Williams made a name for himself in dating with a style based on soulful poetic seductions and playful dance floor antics. His style is all about inspiring girls and drawing them into one’s world. You can book phone coaching with him here, or get a copy of his guide to getting laid on Tinder, the product of months of study and experimentation by him on the medium.

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Comments

Marty's picture

Fascinating, especially the part about the life stories.

I may not be the best judge, but it strikes me that the intellect of Girls Chase authors is of a caliber you'd normally only find among the rising stars of i-banks, top strategic consultancies, law practices, university hospitals and the like. (Lucky for us they have chosen to follow a less conventional path!)

The holistic understanding expressed here of the connections between the fundamental seduction principles conceived by Chase and trends in society and culture as a whole show a level of insight and maturity that is quite astonishing to me.

TheWiseFool's picture

I always enjoy your posts Colt. You're about a year or two older than me but you've done a majority of the things that I'd expect myself to begin doing ~10 years from now. I'm always left in admiration at how your life has worked out.

Thanks again for the article!
- TWF

TR's picture

Something I've heard about is how a subset of rich successful men would pay a dominatrix to dominate THEM.

I've been with some very sexually aggressive women, and despite being very dominant and confident in general, they absolutely loved being dominated in bed. But what if I encouraged such a girl to dominate me?

Would it be detrimental precedence in a relationship to encourage a girlfriend into assuming a more dominant role in the bedroom? I'm not very experienced with this and think it could be pretty hot, though I wouldn't like any girl to start being more dominant in the overall relationship because of some role-play action.

Tarnished's picture

@Reverse D/S

What you're referring to is being a switch/asking your partner to be a switch. In other words, someone who enjoys being dominated and dominant in equal measure...or is at least wanting to switch it up from time to time.

I can honestly say that there's no way to know if your partner is comfortable with taking a dominant role unless you ask them. But as for your question of "is it okay for me to want this", yes. Yes, it's perfectly fine. My own lover asks for it sometimes (normally I'm the sub), and I'd never deny him this part of his sexuality, just as I wouldn't give up other aspects of sex like using toys, or "making love", or giving each other erotic massage.

The thing to remember about bdsm is that it's one expression of human sexuality. Think of it like using chili pepper in your kitchen. Sure, dishes like tacos, spaghetti, and certain soups can be improved by adding this delightful spice...but you still wouldn't want it in your stroganoff or cheerios. Such it is with bdsm...it's a game to play during sex with it's own rules and improvements, but having it all the time gets boring, especially if it's done the same way in each scene. Some days I like to be whipped and tied to the bed...some nights my lover wants to be told not to make a sound while I spank him and slide a tiny vibrator in his ass...and then other times we just want to slowly, gently have vanilla sex.

I personally get off on being a Sub because of how powerful and safe it is. A good Dom communicates openly and honestly with their Sub, expects to be told the safeword if anything he/she does goes too far, and trusts the Sub to not allow themselves to be pushed too far beyond their limits. Being a Sub explicitly means *you* are the final say in what happens...I like that power, as does my lover when we switch roles. It's pretty intoxicating. And of course, it's all about consent...safely pushing boundaries...being honest and upfront with your partner about your limits...and having fun with the concepts of D/S in a sexual game that ends when the scene is over. (Neither of us are ones for gender roles, so our relationship is very egalitarian. We've been FwB for 7+ years, so it must be working.)

I recently wrote about bdsm on my own blog. Maybe it can help:
https://tarnishedsophia.wordpress.com/2014/05/20/my-views-on-bdsm/

Anonymous's picture

As a bisexual male, I agree.

I was surprised when I started actively seeking partners to find a lot of people enjoy being submissive (both male and female). I find it a release of responsibility. Many people are terrified of it. It's less work to follow instruction rather than make seemingly difficult decisions. Unless you're equipped with the skills to deal with resistance. If that's the word I'm looking for?

In response to the previous poster. There are those who are burdened with a life of responsibility at work or otherwise. There is nothing better than getting home and not having to worry about a thing - it's escapism.

I agree with Girlschase, there is a severe lack of dominant males. Just as there are dominant females. While I've encountered both, the latter have been bisexuals or lesbians (I could talk about that all day). Those I've met resulted in very passionate power struggles. However, these wouldn't result in an on-going relationship unless someone submits (think, two dominant males). I think there's an article on relationship dynamics somewhere.

Something I found interesting was self-confessed feminists I slept with were also very submissive. I won't go into detail on that topic either.

I know this isn't what Colt is saying, but I hope everyone remembers these are fantasies. Some people don't want 'rough' or 'dominant' all the time. Besides, it's nice to mix it up with some slow intimacy. I also caution that BDSM relationships require a high degree of trust. It forms an emotional bond that can be difficult to part. Be respectful of limitations and please be discreet.

Ultimately, have fun.

Limp's picture

Just had a thought. I know in psychology there is this little thing called projection, whereby a person misattributes/misplaces their own thoughts and feelings onto someone else.

Do you think women's desire to tame the bad boy, is actually truly a desire to be tamed by the bad boy and is just an example of projection?

Survival's picture

I love this post ....somehow its about me ..... Im survival in this stupid culture and traditions fighting everyday to get rid of them.... Because nobody can understand my desires....n m fed up ..... I feel lyk running away and fulfilling my fantasies

Plaything's picture

Thank you for your wonderful comments about BDSM. They inspire me and make me go deeper.

I would like torture in all it's forms to be explored.

The girl is always in total control.

Many thanks,

Plaything.

SBM's picture

This is sort of related to this article in the dominant/submissive sense, but without the pain and bondage, but I have two specific fetishes when it comes to the bedroom. 1. I have a blue hoodie/sweatshirt fetish (weird I know, but I like the way it looks and feels when i rub my hands across a girl wearing one, and blue specifically cause I find it to be a very attractive color on women). 2. I also have a strange fetish for clapping and cheering (hey, it gives me a big head, plus seeing her get excited like that is a huge turn on to me, personally). Now, how would I get a typical woman to partake in these fetishes in a dominant fashion? (I know the rule, tell her to do it, don't ask her too), but say she refuses to do it, or finds it too "weird"? How would I go about convincing her to do it in a dominant and persistant way, like what things should i say to her to convince her to comply towards going along with my fetishes? Any advice would be great, thanks!

Dom Amator's picture

OK, ex-sub.

Living in different parts of the country, getting to know each other involved lots of emails, texts, and a few cards. I now have a written record (OK, photographic and video, too!) of us which enable me to share her thought: "Premise: Masculine is Active, Feminine is Receptive. Perfect set up for S&M, but in real life what has happened is the Active masculine has no direction and the Receptive feminine does not understand the power inherent in surrender. I think in martial arts they teach you how to fall, so you will not get hurt. Part of that training is to not resist, surrender and then you can transform the momentum to your advantage. Women need to embrace the purpose of their power and men need to realize they become more powerful with a willing partner. "

As Anais Ninn said, "“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man, who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” May or may not have been talking about outlier sex, but it works.

Jimbo's picture

I think what you mean by "beating the system" is simply to do your own thing, to follow your own passions, to go your own way. However, I believe "the system" does allow a man to do all of these things you did (travel, learn language, learn dancing, womanize, etc.) even while pursuing higher education and making an honest living, especially in the West.

I say this because some impressionable young men might take what you said at face value and neglect their studies to go to Thailand thinking this will turn them into dominant men, which they'll most likely end up regretting sorely later on.

If you want to be truly dominant in bed, just think of your woman as a piece of meat, and use and abuse her however you see fit, or rather, however your most basic sexual instincts urge you to; in other words, go caveman on her. And the good news is, most men have this in them. They just need to take off the chains and leave them at the bedroom's doorstep.

BobTrent 's picture

"...they’ve been told to abstain from pretty much all sexual activity until marriage without a true legitimate reason as to why."
Umm, how about:
• VD (STDs) - Many of these little gems are incurable; do serious damage to reproductive organs, especially hers; some, such as herpes and HPV (warts), aren't prevented by condoms
• Pregnancy outside marriage
• Impeded bonding with husband if she eventually marries - she will be comparing him to others she has had sex with
• Aren't the above enough "why's?"

Shadow's picture

I just finished reading this article by Colt Williams. I also took a look at the comments.

I have a few thoughts. It seems to me that the author and most of the people commenting are missing the point. Yes, most women love to have their hair pulled, be dominated and "used". It is the reason why that most people don't understand, and the answer is usually not sex!

I have been in the BDSM community for over 6 years now. The Impact play, fire play, electrical play, bondage, wax play etc., all lead to the same thing... Sub flight. As a result of stressing the body, the sub gets a dump of endorphins and adrenaline every 8 to 10 minutes. This takes the submissive deeper and deeper into a naturally induced high. The world around them fades away... vision, sounds, feeling... they all go away and the sub is left in their own personal happy spot. This giddy feeling will continue for hours, even up to several days depending on how the persons body reacts to the endorphin load. Yes, sex is involved in the BDSM scene, but it is a result, not a cause (and it is negotiated ahead of time). Her sexual desires are aroused by the endorphins not the other way around. That is why most of us in the BDSM community consider 50 shades of grey a decent romance movie, but an awful BDSM movie. Please learn more and get involved in your local BDSM groups. You will find that a whole new world of fun and excitement will open up for both the Top and Bottom (Dom & Sub). Great food, great fun and great friends!

Have fun and stay kinky!

Dom Amator's picture

I think Shadow is exactly correct, although I have much less experience. First, I've read of similar feelings and descriptions by subs. Notice, not terribly different from "runner's high." Or, mystics. On that, I can speak. Many types in many places over the decades. Well described, even if the reasons are different.

My ex-gf, ex-sub, mentioned above, articulated similar. One time she called me and I immediately suspected she was drunk or high. Swore not, she had been thinking about some of her painful sub experiences. She was in a very happy place. Just by thinking, and remembering? Maybe not most women, but Celeste could come by willing it out on a dance floor. Or, just grab her bare ass and she'd start bucking and heaving and howling.

Never say anything like her before or since. And I have a well above average data bank.

Elaine's picture

I am a 22-year-old woman and I was introduced to BDSM by my boyfriend when I was an 18-year-old freshman virgin. He and I had been dating for a month, and his roommate went home for Columbus Day weekend, so we had the dorm room to ourselves for 48 hours. On Friday evening, after dinner and a movie, my boyfriend took me to his dorm room. After locking the door, we began to kiss and make out as we had done many times before. But this time, he removed my bra and panties, and I whispered to him to "go ahead and do whatever you want to me tonight." He asked me to lie nude and face up on his bed, and he used a couple of bathrobe belts to tie my wrists tightly to the bed's headboard. Then, he used his fingers and his mouth to explore my body, including my nipples, my navel, my clit, my pussy, and my anus. He drooled his saliva onto my breasts, my clit, my pussy, and my anus. He used his teeth to bite my nipples and clit -- gently at first, but then slightly harder and harder, pushing the envelope to see how much discomfort and pain I could tolerate. Feeling his teeth sink into the flesh of my nipples and clit caused me pain, but it also excited me, and I chose not to object at all, moaning with approval and begging him to bite me harder and harder. He used his fingers to penetrate my saliva-lubricated pussy and anus -- going back and forth with two fingers, three fingers, and four fingers, and then inserting his entire fist all the way past his wrist. I was amazed how great it felt to be pussy-fisted and anally-fisted -- I had never imagined that my body could even accommodate fisting or that it would make me so horny and submissive. I whispered to him, "Please feel free to fuck both of my holes as hard and deep as you want tonight." He replied, "Aren't you concerned about pain?" I looked at his 11-inch erect penis and whispered back, "I know your cock can hurt my pussy and asshole, but I don't care. I want you to feel free to fuck me tonight like an anal whore because I only care about your pleasure -- nothing else matters to me tonight." With that cue, he proceeded to insert his 11-inch cock into my pussy first, thrusting deeply to bump my cervix repeatedly. Then, he pulled out and slowly pushed his cock into my anus, painfully penetrating my sphincter muscles, sliding in deeper to ream out my rectum, and eventually thrusting his cock so deep into my ass that the tip of his penis repeatedly penetrated part of my colon. It was so intense to be anally fucked by his warm, throbbing 11-inch cock. I felt my sphincter burning with pain, but I tried to moan with each thrust as if I were feeling no pain, sounding as if I were moaning with pleasure, and I begged him to "fuck my ass even harder!" For the next two hours, with my wrists bound to the headboard, he bit my nipples while his cock slid in and out of my rectum and colon, delivering a steady rhythm of anal thrusts at a rate of one per second. After two hours, he had delivered 7,200 thrusts of his 11-inch cock in and out of my virgin asshole. That's a total of 6,600 feet of cock -- more than a mile -- reaming out my ass. And in the process, over those two hours, he managed to cum eight times. Each time he ejaculated, his 11-inch cock delivered an explosion of warm, thick, sticky cum that coated the inner walls of my colon and rectum. His cum served as a lubricant as it slowly oozed through my rectum and anus. With each thrust, he moaned with pleasure, and I moaned simultaneously, giving him even more satisfaction. After he had cum in my ass for the last time, he pulled out his rock-hard cock and asked me to open my mouth wide. Then, he slid his 11-inch penis through my lips, over my tongue, past my tonsils, and penetrating my throat by several inches. As he held my head tightly against his crotch, I felt his cock thrusting back and forth inside my throat. Then, I felt a brief shudder, followed by a torrent of hot liquid jetting into my throat. As I felt the liquid rushing down my esophagus, I swallowed it and felt the hot liquid streaming into my stomach. I was so excited and felt so horny and sexually fulfilled as I realized that I was providing my boyfriend complete satisfaction -- I drank his entire load of piss without spilling or wasting a drop. This was my first experience with vaginal fisting, anal fisting, vaginal sex, anal sex, and piss drinking. Over the past four years, my boyfriend and I have repeated these experiences on more than 1,400 nights.

Jimbo's picture

lmao is this BDSM or a dissertation on applied physics? Rofffl bitch you better off writing FBI reports than erotica

Mav's picture

Women. One minute, they're complaining about being objectified in movies and video games. The next, they're hoping you tie them up, or hoping a guy lets her whip him while he's blindfolded. Women are full of shit on the matter of sexuality. They generally don't know what they want about "objectification."

Bonnie Howland's picture

Hi Colt,

My name is Bonnie and I just read your article at a suggestion of a friend - truthfully I was shocked because I didn't expect much, which says a lot about how capable I think men are of understanding what a woman likes in sex, but as you yourself said, most guys don't get it. I love what you wrote. The title of your article is Why woman love BDSM, and I feel like you proved women do love BDSM but I don't feel like you nailed why they do. The reason why women love rough sex, and feeling a man in his full masculine power, is because it makes you feel safe and like you can actually relax, relinquish your control, flow and trust the man you're being the most intimate with. That is a murderer came into your house, he could fuck them up and protect you, he can handle anything. It makes you feel like he is stronger than you, and you can surrender in full trust. There is no greater feeling for a woman :)

Jimbo's picture

Women love it because it turns them on. Simple as that. They get off on being overwhelmed, used and abused, taken, made to feel small, and all that. That's just part of being female, loving the power imbalance, the contrast between masculine and feminine. I don't think many really think about being protected from intruders when they get wet at their dude smacking a bitch. You can tell her to shut the fuck up, and that feeling of humiliation might be accompanied by arousal. Actually, I'd even go so far to say that the guys they feel the safest with are those they are the least attracted to, not the other way around.

Onurkneesboi's picture

It may come as a complete shock to you, but not all women are submissive, not all wish to be ''manhandled and thrown around. Some of us prefer to be in control, ok we may not be able to pick you up and throw your ass on the bed, but we can tie you up, torture you (sexually) for our sadistic pleasures and make you beg for mercy or more. 

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