When Girls Think You're a Player (Then Shut You Down) | Girls Chase

When Girls Think You're a Player (Then Shut You Down)

Chase Amante

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girl thinks you're a player
If a girl thinks you’re a player, it can be a pretty uphill battle with her after that. Here’s why she thinks you’re a player – plus how to remove the ‘tells’.

I counseled a friend recently who's struggled with women for sometime. He's a bit of a 'hard case' - a guy who's been in the game a long time, is friends with many very skilled seducers, and is highly skilled at the early part of approaching and meeting women, and even good at getting girls back to his place... but he has lots and lots of trouble sealing the deal with women. After the first kiss at his place, they invariably leave.

Guys like this can be tough to work with, because things that work for almost everyone else stubbornly don't for them. And you run into the issue of the guy not knowing exactly what's wrong himself, and it being hard to diagnose if you don't spend a lot of time with him in-person.

However, one clue recently was his report on a date that didn't pan out. Early on into the date, the girl closed off a bit and made remarks such as "How fast do you usually have sex with the women you have sex with?" and "I'm someone who doesn't just hop in bed right away." This, mind you, was not when he was trying to take her home, or touching her, or hitting on her - this was early into the date, when they'd just arrived at the date location and just began to talk.

This friend gets comments like from other women too; sometimes on dates, sometimes back at his place.

And while it is common to get girls telling you things like "This is too fast for me" or "Do you always move this fast with girls?" once you're back at your place with them, peeling their clothes off, the farther removed you get from that while still receiving these comments, the more of a problem you know you have.

In this case, the problem is the 'player vibe problem'. The problem is she feels like you are a heartless player, and she is only the latest slab of meat to cross your path.

Obviously, for successful seduction purposes, this is one perception you'd like to dispel.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.

GET CHASE’S ONE DATE SYSTEM

Comments

Arbo 's picture

How does this relate to the boyfriend dilemma? Isn’t being a player the opposite problem of that, so is it mainly finding the middle ground between the two?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Arbo-

The boyfriend dilemma is when your primary value to a woman is as a potential boyfriend.

The player problem is when your attainability is too low, and your intentions seem uncaring/disrespectful.

It's possible to actually have both problems at once: your principle value is as a boyfriend, yet you seem uncaring or disrespectful and get dismissed as a player. Solve one problem, and the other doesn't necessarily go away (e.g., you make yourself more attainable... now she doesn't see you as a player, but still wants to slow-game you because she sees you as a boyfriend).

They're really problems on different axes of attraction. To solve the boyfriend problem, you want to raise your attractiveness as a lover, while also making yourself both attainable as a lover, but less attainable as a boyfriend.

To solve the player problem, you need to make yourself more attainable as a partner (even a short-term one), and seem less game-y, uncaring, or player-ish.

Chase

Lawliet's picture

Hey Chase,

"You have a perfect, scripted answer for every question"

That's funny, because I'm asking about that. So I'm guessing sometimes we need to act stunned or act surprised even though I'm sure from experience, we will naturally see it all so to speak.

Re: When she negs you in a outright rude way / in front of an audience
Now I know the usual way is bored look or skeptical look.
But wit is a good way to pass tests, not to mention have some flirting going on.

Sometimes she's outright rude and there's no playfulness in her answer...then it does not deserve much playfulness in return. A bored look or skeptical look, great. Conversely, playfulness does work for everything in a social situation.

Straight up rude such as
"You're X"
and x can be ugly or whimp, or any rude adjective. There's no playful attempt here or wit, just outright rude.

What would be a good witty playful reply to things like these?

And how would you reply differently if she said this in a group? Nonverbals don't work well when you have an audience, so we have to throw our wit into this and throw her under the bus because it's a social attack.

Re: What if a girl says something that undermines your masculinity?
You had an article about undermining other men who's getting a little too threatening whether in social groups or such. But when your own girl says something like this, bored look. I guess there's not much witty answers for these.

Apart from "5 ways to answer challenges from her", ignore it and throw a look.

Re: When she negs in a tongue in cheek way
So she's joking, let's play along!

You: [You recall something that happened last time with you and her]
Her: You have a good memory
You: Thanks
Her: They say people have good memory because they have little going on in their lives ;)

Looks like it's uncalled for? Yup, she's negging.
But she's doing it with a mischievous smile, and it's not in front of an audience, so aside from nonverbal response, what can be a good witty reply you would say? It'll be fun to come up with witty replies :).
Since I seem to be slow in coming up with these on the spot, not sure if there are tips on improving that, might as well think ahead of time.

Me: They also say healthy people only remember happy events. Guess I wouldn't mind only remembering the happy things (this is true btw, and "happy things" referring to memories with her you recalled earlier, it's somewhat a compliment to her...wait maybe that's bad)

There was a scenario I thought of with almost no witty reply I could think of...
I'll get back to you on that.

Thanks Chase,
Lawliet

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Lawliet-

Yes, you don't want to be too smooth. Good to have some rough edges on display.

If a girl is rude to you in a group setting, usually she's trying to throw you under the bus for one reason or another (unless she just has a really adolescent flirtation style). The best way to respond to bus-throwing is to escalate the fight, like you would with any bullying. You want the bully to stop kicking you in the legs, punch him in the nose. Same deal.

So you might have a situation like this:

Her: You're ugly.

You: Yeah, I'm sorry, I don't take advice from stupid people.

Or:

Her: You're ugly.

You: Oh, get over yourself.

Might cause a blow-up, but it's the only way to handle direct attacks in front of an audience.

Dismissing her may also work:

Her: You're ugly.

You: Thanks sweetheart. You're a doll.

If it's one-on-one... really need to know the context. Could be anything from flirtation to auto-rejection. "Thanks" with a sly smile could be the right response, or telling her you both need to bury the hatchet could be... different ones for different scenarios.

If your own girl undermines your masculinity, yeah, maybe bored look. Or call her out. Depends on severity.

Her: You didn't even defend yourself. You have no spine.

You: What the hell are you talking about? I told the guy off! What do you want me to go rip his spleen out because he called me a bad name? What's wrong with you?

And...

You: [You recall something that happened last time with you and her]

Her: You have a good memory

You: Thanks

Her: They say people have good memory because they have little going on in their lives ;)

You: You're right. I should take up a hobby. Like hunting mountain goats. You know how they're up on the mountainside, and you have to take a rifle with you while you climb the mountain? Dragging the carcass back is even worse, trying to get that thing down the mountainside. I bet I'd become super forgetful if I started doing that.

Etc. It's playful banter. Just play. Don't take it too seriously.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

There is one trend in my approaches that really off-tracks me more than anything else. I approach a woman, start having a pleasant conversation, and then all the sudden, out of nowhere, she just blurts out:

"So...do you ALWAYS do this?" ("This" being "approaching a woman I don't know in that particulat environment.)

It absolutely ASTOUNDS me how often I hear this and the wording is EXACTLY the same every time. It's almost like women get taught this in school.

"Do you always approach women in the park?"
"Do you always talk to girls on the street?"
"Do you always stop random girls in the mall?"

Do you ALWAYS?

For years I have struggled with this line of questioning and eventually learned to just ignore it and dismiss it with an "I don't know" or "Sometimes, I guess" or something along those lines. But even when "the big question" comes up I usually feel pretty de-railed after it, like I'm being accused of being a suspicious person. It really throws my emotions off.

It's gotten to the point now where if a woman starts challenging my intentions or questioning my "player" vibe I just disengage.

Here I am: being fun, charming, playful, announcing my interest, and then...WHAM...she kills the vibe.

I absolutely hate it. It kills my energy and destroys my interest. I have realized that after years of experience I may seem a little too confident in my approach, a little too certain of my answers, a little "too witty" as the article suggests. But I've been asking myself: Why is being too confident and witty a BAD THING?! How could it be? I don't think I sound like a fake person.

I don't know what to do. I think I might try just speaking less and being less friendly. The problem is that, well, that isn't me. That's not who I am. I don't want to fake a lack of social skill and confidence in order to bond with a woman.

That's just...so unfun. :-/

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

I'd examine vibe, angle on approach, opener, topics, and smoothness vs. roughness.

Go for slightly more nervous/excited vibe. Make your approach angle more "just happened to see her; noticed her for a moment; then approached." Make opener something a random (confident) guy might use if he sees a girl who really floors him. Pick topics that are more normal and less game-y. Keep rough edges / don't be too smooth.

I don't know exactly what your approach looks like. But most guys who do a lot of approaching after a while fall into habits, where they have their approach and dialogue down pat, and it starts to come across like a script the guy has memorized. Might be fun/cool, but he seems a lot less nervous/excited than a normal guy would be on approach, a lot more polished, has to think/pause less, and comes up with a little too much clever stuff for it to be "on the fly."

It's a "seasoned veteran problem" - coming down from the place where you have it down pat/super smooth, and adding in that roughness and naturalness again she'd expect from a guy who doesn't "usually do this" but just decided to approach.

Chase

Damien1's picture

Hey Chase, 

Do you think it's possible to reverse this? like a girl is calling you a fuckboy but it's social circle so you'll see her around more. 

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