One highly effective way to eliminate social and sexual
competitors: undermine their masculinity. Yet as powerful as this
tactic is, you must use it carefully…
Very slightly dark side tech here, but I’m giving it to you purely for defensive purposes.
In some situations, you will discover there is a need to defend yourself against competitor males. There are a variety of defensive measures at your disposal to deflect or declaw your social competitors, including many we’ve discussed before:
Contents
1. When (and When Not) to Use This
2. How to Question Masculinity
3. Defending Against Undermining
Right now I’m going to give you one I’ve always liked personally (but try not to use on Girls Chase... because it’s kind of mean), which is to undermine competitor males’ masculinity.
Now, to pull this off, you have to be reasonably masculine. You don’t have to be a hulking brute who chomps cigars for breakfast. You just need to be a little above average on the masculinity scale. Even if you’re a sensitive man high in verbal intelligence and empathy, it is not hard to up your masculinity to where you’re a bit above average. Focus on being cool, being an asshole, and being dominant, and you’re already at least in the top 15% manliest men.
So long as you’re masculine enough for it not to seem like the pot calling the kettle black when you accuse other men of unmanliness, this tactic works like gangbusters.
You’ll use it for two things:
- To directly demoralize social competitors, to their faces
- To influence the opinions
of women and others against
your social competitors
Let’s have a look.
When (and When Not) to Use This
First off: we're trying to avoid pettiness, and offensive attacks here.
I didn't have this section in the original article, and Jimbo in the comments pointed out how the article seemingly contradicted previous conversations on Girls Chase about 'never tooling'. This section's added to clarify things a bit.
In the past I've said things along the lines of 'truly dominant / top tier guys never tool'. Which is... a bit of a cheat. Because they still do tool, they just do it with more tact.
In "Dealing with Disruptive Men", for instance, I advise you to respond to male interlopers trying to butt in while you're in a conversation with a quick "thanks", then ignoring the guy to return to the girl you're with.
You're not teasing the guy. But, nevertheless, how's he feel after this episode? Tooled. What's the girl think about what you just did to this guy? Tooled.
Usually when I use the word 'tool' guys, the concept I have in mind is this kind of over-the-top ridiculous too-much attempt to make another guy look bad. Something in violation of the Law of Least Effort. Don't do that.
However, sometimes, simply ignoring a guy is not enough. If a woman asks your opinion on a man she seems like she might be interested in (whether she is or it's just a test), or you can tell she likes a guy, the best call sometimes is to take him out as an opponent.
Sadly, unfortunately, in our world of imperfect information, a woman is not always going to be able to tell that you are superior in value to another man, even if you've done a lot of work on your fundamentals. And if the guy is already a threat, pretending like he isn't and hoping she'll forget about him doesn't always work.
Sometimes you've got to fend the guy off directly.
So before we get to 'how' to do this, let's talk 'when':
-
When your girl takes a shine to someone else. This is the #1 time to use this tactic. Here's the thing: your critique of the other guy must be honest. If the guy clearly gets laid a lot and you talk about him not getting laid, you just look petty and weak. However, if she's telling you this guy seems so clever and noble, and you happen to know women don't really like him, telling her "Yeah, he does seem kind of clever. I'm not sure why women avoid him so much, seems like a great guy" works. The undermining has to be matched to reality, or it's just tryhard. Note that women will sometimes feign interest in guys as a test (e.g., "What a great guy. His girlfriend got pregnant by another man but he's going to raise the child as his own" --> I had a girl tell me this, to which I responded with something like "I mean, not my cup of tea, but hey, if he's happy raising some other dude's kid after that dude knocked his girlfriend up, well I mean I guess good for him"; she then responded by telling me she didn't have much respect for the guy either, she just wanted to know how I'd react).
-
When another guy is aggressively pursuing your girl. You'll see this most often in social circle. Let's say you're all at a party, you're snuggled up with a girl, and another guy there has just been aggressively flirting with and hitting on her all night. If you keep ignoring it and don't put this guy in his place, you're going to look weaker and weaker, like you're unable to defend what's yours - especially if she continues to tolerate his advances. One well-timed undermining killshot is really all you need to demoralize most guys in these situations and get them to desist their attacks. For instance, he mentions something that can be construed as "nice guy"-ish (e.g., he mentions helping some girl out with her homework), and you lean into your girl's ear and say "What a nice guy. Wonder if he'd help me do my homework" and she giggles. You've upped intimacy with her (by leaning in and whispering to her - just the two of you) while undermining him (painting him as a weak/supporter male).
-
When you know a guy is a threat. If you happen to know a guy in the room is approaching and looking for women, and you've managed to find a girl who is open to meeting someone new, it can be worthwhile sometimes to inoculate her against the other guy if you're very concerned about his approach. I only suggest this for very aggressive guys you think have already noticed your girl and whom you think actually stand a chance to peel her away. Like say there's a tall, good-looking, muscular, aggressive guy making the rounds chatting up girls there, and you can tell he's a charmer - sly smile, great way of touching people - this guy's good. You want to inoculate your girl against him, so you tell her "Wow, this guy sure does a lot of work to try to get laid. Gotta admire his work ethic."
Important: after a remark like this, you always go back to normal
conversation as if nothing happened. Don't stay on the remark. Just drop
it and move on, just like with chase frames.
There may be a few other edge cases out there; these are the three most common scenarios you'll find it helpful to call another guy's masculinity into question.
Also, note - it might sound bad, but this is a perpetual part of how males interact with each other in society. "Dude, that's so gay" "Dude, you're a pussy" "When's the last time you got laid?" "Do you even lift bro?" "Come on man, we all know you're broke!" --> these are all everyday masculinity undermining remarks men will use against each other, sometimes in jest, sometimes in seriousness.
Masculinity testing is a constant, constant part of human society. It exists in every group of people around the world, and it is something you probably do unconsciously already.
This article is about using this
tactic in a controlled fashion, defensive for men who present threats
to a woman you're actively courting already.
How to Question a Man’s Masculinity, Risk-Free
There are three (3) relatively risk-free ways you can use to undermine a man’s masculinity:
-
Frame him as being a pushover nice guy, in a somewhat positive way
-
Frame him as not being able to get laid, in a sympathetic way
- Frame his woman as wearing the pants in his relationship, in a “I don’t know how he does it” way
The aspect that really makes the tactic work is the clouding of your motives you do with the seemingly-approving or commiserating remark you make right after you undermine the guy.
For instance, if you say:
You: Jack never gets laid. Ha!
... that’s insulting to him, but it’s relatively easy to defend against. Like so:
You: Jack never gets laid. Ha!
Him: I’m pretty sure you haven’t been with a woman in at least four months, Carl.
Here, it’s just a standard back-and-forth, with you attacking his
masculinity, and him attacking you back. His attack is stronger, and if
he has the last word he probably wins. He gains status, you lose status.
However, if you add that extra bit of commiseration at the end, the dynamic changes completely:
You: Jack never gets laid. It’s really unfortunate and I don’t know why. He seems like the kind of guy women would be all over, and yet they don’t want him.
... it’s way, way harder for him to defend against.
Remember, tone and delivery are crucial here. If you seem critical,
it's just mean. If it's kind of "Huh. Think about that. Huh," though -
again, very hard to defend against.
If he attacks you back by accusing you of not having been with a woman in four months now, he looks defensive and vengeful. After all, you were commiserating with him, not attacking him.
You win, he loses.
You also create a far more visceral effect in your audience’s heads. Now instead of saying “Jack doesn’t get laid; I wonder if that’s true?” they are saying “Jack doesn’t get laid but nobody knows why. I wonder if I can figure out why Jack doesn’t get laid?” and they begin to search for reasons why no woman would want to go to bed with Jack.
You get your audience to do the work for you. They convince themselves you’re right – after
all, look at all these reasons women wouldn’t want him they’ve
turned up!
The ‘darkest’ part of this tech is that it makes heavy use of confirmation bias. Which is to say, people look for evidence to support their conclusions, not to debunk their own conclusions.
So if I convince you Jack is a complete stud and gets laid a lot, and wonder aloud why that is, and you take my word for it, you will fixate on Jack’s good qualities and mentally list out a bunch of qualities of Jack’s that likely make him more attractive to women. And once you’ve listed these qualities out, you become even more convinced that Jack is attractive.
It works the other way, too. If I tell you Jack is a complete wet noodle with women, and no woman wants him, yet I just can’t figure out why, and you believe me, you will then look for evidence that supports the position “Jack cannot get laid.” You’ll fixate on what seem like disadvantages of his that would make him unattractive, and ignore his attractive qualities, leaving yourself even more certain that Jack is not attractive.
Put your competitor’s attractiveness in free-fall.
When you use this with women, it can make all the difference in getting a girl to convince herself that a man is unattractive (or attractive, if you use it the opposite way when you introduce your wingman – e.g., “I probably shouldn’t introduce you to my buddy. Women love this guy, I have no idea why. Makes it hard to hang out with him when every girl finds him so interesting”).
I’ll give you a few examples of ways to do each of our three (3) masculinity undermine moves above:
Paint Him as a Pushover Nice Guy
“Jack doesn’t have much backbone, but he’s a complete sweetheart of a guy.”
“Jack will let people get away with anything. He’s a big softie.”
“You can do whatever you want to Jack, and he’ll just laugh about it. He’s a sweetheart.”
“Jack isn’t the type to fight for things. He’s pretty content with what life hands him.”
If you’re talking to the guy, you can modify these like so:
“I can tell you’re not a ‘stand up and fight’ kind of guy... more of a sweetheart, really. The world needs more people like you.”
Or if you’re pointing out a guy across the room you want to tool:
“You can tell that guy probably doesn’t have much backbone,
but
probably is a real
sweetheart. Just based on [some signs you point out about him – his
posture, eye contact, facial expressions, etc.].”
Paint Him as Unable to Get Laid
“I don’t know what it is about Jack, but girls always ignore him. I can never figure out why.”
“Jack is really good at making friends with girls. But they never want to bang him. It mystifies me why he struggles so much with women.”
“Jack gets girls home sometimes, but they never put out. I wonder why... he seems like a great guy.”
“I always try to introduce girls to Jack, but they never want
to
talk to him much. I don’t know why; he’s a swell chap.”
To the guy:
“I can tell you’re a guy women don’t pay much attention to. But I can’t tell why, and it seems like a shame.”
About a guy across the room:
“That guy over there is the sort women won’t pay a lot of attention to in general. Which sucks, because everyone needs companionship from the opposite sex.”
Paint Him as Cuckolded in His Relationships
“Jack’s a real modern guy. He lets his girlfriend lead the relationship, and seems fine with the support role. More power to him.”
“Jack seems like the sort to date dominant women and not mind if they dominate him a bit. I think he’d be comfortable in the nurturing role. Just seems like a very modern, equality-minded guy, really.”
“Jack’s a great guy. He’s the kind of guy that if his woman ever strayed, he’d still take her back. Way more understanding than a zero tolerance guy like me.”
Defending Against Masculinity Undermining
How do you defend against attacks like these?
The good news is, these are fairly socially advanced social attacks, and few men use them. You’ll usually only fall prey to them if a competitor of yours is socially savvy and has reason to knock you down a peg or two – which can often mean you’ve overstepped your bounds and done something uncalibrated (since most of the time, highly socially savvy people are careful about crossing swords with other highly socially savvy people).
That said, the simplest defenses are simple dismissals:
- “Nice story”
- “Cool story bro”
- “Laaaaaame! But good try.”
Try to make sure you accompany these with the bored look and physical dominance: a slap on the back, a friendly(ish) punch in the arm, your arm around the guy’s shoulders, etc. The physical dominance is a veiled threat, and an advertisement to anyone who’s watching that actually, you are the more dominant individual. Which invalidates his attack – since it’s the more dominant individual we usually think of as the one who is more masculine, and more sexually successful (because he typically is).
Why can’t you just use the bored look? Usually these attacks will be in front of an audience, and that audience won’t all always be monitoring your facial expression closely. If your response is not louder and more noticeable, there’s a good chance it’ll be missed. Even if it isn’t missed, it may look too timid a reply to a large undermine attempt.
Add to that, verbal dismissals on their own aren’t very strong, and
they don’t completely fix the damage your competitor has done to your
image here. If a girl was on the fence about you, he may still have
managed to increase her skepticism of you even after your dismissal if
all you do is verbal. You need to put your hands on the guy when you
respond to an undermine attack. Even if he was across the room when he
said it, and someone tells you the guy said XYZ thing, you need to go
across the room, put your hand on him, and dismiss his claim.
A yet bolder (and stronger) response is a direct threat to your competitor’s manhood. e.g.:
Put a hand on his arm and tell him, “Dude, quit making shit up about me or I’m going to fuck your girlfriend.” Or “Dude, quit making shit up about me or I’m going to fuck your prostate.”
KO’ed.
Or if you want to go lighter/funnier, rather than more crushing/intimidating, a quick “I’m going fuck your girlfriend” or “I’m going to fuck your prostate” will suffice (again, still with lingering physical contact to the guy).
Yes, these are tough guy responses. They escalate the fight from implication to confrontation. But someone undermining your masculinity in front of an audience is taking aim at your social rank, your ability to lead, your ability to command respect, and your attractiveness to women. It’s a shot aimed at the heart of your social and sexual desirableness, and you want to at once deflect the shot, silence your attacker, and make enough of an example out of him that others are not encouraged to pile onto you.
This, by the way, is why masculinity undermining attacks are so
difficult to defend against. Really the only way to beat them is with
escalation. If you lack the steel to escalate, the attacker wins.
If You Receive Frequent Masculinity Attacks...
Then you are probably behaving in less masculine, more showy ways that attract attention and make other guys want to ‘put you in your place’.
Sometimes this is a calibration error on your part. Or sometimes you
may need to improve your masculinity. Often you may need to add a lot
more sprezzatura / Law
of Least Effort into your act to come across more powerful
and make yourself a less inviting target.
Other times you may be presenting yourself just fine, in a way attractive to the women and people you want, and you just happen to be around males who are not a good fit for you. e.g., you dress sharp and get laid plenty, but end up around a bunch of truck drivers who don’t get laid much but value extreme manliness and view you as a big dandy. In this case, you mostly just want to avoid these folks... although you can also adopt code switching, where you dial your masculinity up around more masculine men to optimize for commanding the respect of masculine men, then dial it down in other scenarios to optimize your sensuality and attractiveness to attractive women.
Use Masculinity Undermining Wisely
Don’t use undermining as an offensive weapon. Don’t use it for no reason, just to try to make yourself seem manlier. Don’t use it to bolster your manliness in lieu of actually being manlier.
Use this when there is a man who is a threat to your ability to secure the woman you want to secure, or a threat to your position within a social group. Be very careful not to use it against allies or potential allies – because if you undermine a guy in front of an audience, then he ends up being a cool guy, you look bad if you join forces with him later. If a woman sees you join up with a guy you just told her was weak/lame? It makes you look weak/lame by extension.
Don’t box yourself in. Just use this for men you want nothing to do with, who are threats.
Don’t use it too liberally on just any guy. If you use it too much, it loses its power... if every guy is a weak guy to you who can’t get women, she’ll figure out that is just something you say to attack other men and build yourself up.
And be careful using it in earshot of men you think might be able to
defend against it. If you accuse a man of weakness and he hears you and
escalates the fight, unless you continue to escalate you’ll be the one
who looks weaker, not him.
Keep it in your toolbox as a ‘use only when necessary’ tactic and you’ll do fine. Any time a guy becomes too entrancing to your woman, or might become it... or is being too much of a bother, trying too hard to win leadership of the group, forcing you to continually smack him out of the way as he goes for your girl, or behaving in any other way as your social or sexual competitor, it can be time to break this tech out, and put him out of the race.
A single masculinity undermine attack, and most men will quit competing for the woman or social group you are (or you have), and go find their own.
Always,
Chase Amante
UPDATE: this article was corrected with a section to clarify when and when not to use this tactic. Thanks to Jimbo for his comment.
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