What It Means When She Says She Has a Boyfriend | Girls Chase

What It Means When She Says She Has a Boyfriend

Chase Amante

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I had an interesting conversation with one of our senior members on the discussion boards recently. He’d approached a girl, really hit it off with her, until at some point she told him she had a boyfriend and started resisting him more.

It wasn’t a question of value or attraction. This girl clearly liked him.

Instead, in this case, it was attainability that triggered her bringing up the boyfriend.

has a boyfriend

Now, I know there are a lot of folks reading who are going to say, “Well, hold the phone – maybe it was just that the girl has a boyfriend and she isn’t going to cheat on him!”

We’ll talk about that below. However, odds are, taking things at face value with women is usually a sign there’s something you’re not getting... not a sign she’s among the 2½% of women who says what she means and means what she says.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.

GET CHASE’S ONE DATE SYSTEM

Comments

Anonymous's picture

Chase,

Regarding number 2 'casually bringing it up' I understand why that is in many ways a clever move, but:

My question is this. Once you and her have had a little chat about her boyfriend and she knows that you know she has a boyfriend (or maybe doesnt) how much does this effect the rest of the interaction and your chances of sleeping with her.

To make my question a little clearer, my thoughts are: since she knows you know about her potential boyfriend, will she not use this fact as an escalation blocker later on? I mean you know how no girl wants a guy to think she's a cheating slut no matter how sexual you come across, so in her mind the correct move will be to protest your advances by mentioning how she 'can't do this' because like she told you: she has a boyfriend, and as far as she is aware you believe her.

I guess this is one of the many reasons why the answer to the problem is in looking for a cure to this issue (increasing your Atainability) versus a treatement which leaves behind further complications.

Would have been interesting to get a little insight into how interactions, generally speaking, unfold once the boyfriend thing has been dropped.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

She may, but that's easy enough to get around:

Her: [as you're kissing her] You know I have a boyfriend...

You: Don't worry, I turned the webcast off on my computer. [continue escalating]

Her: [laughs] Well maybe I don't want to do this...

You: You seem comfortable enough to me... but no one's trapping you here, I left my chains in the basement anyway... [continue escalating]

Just standard 'dealing with resistance' stuff. Plenty more examples (and different takes on dealing with this) here:

Chase

Paul 1996's picture

Hey Chase, maybe you have clarified this on another article. But I can't seem to figure out why a girl would think you're unattainable if you have approached her, the fact you have approached her says that you desire her and that she has a chance with you? The only reason I can think of is that she is scared you are going to sleep with her then reject her afterwards, I don't think any girl thinks a guy has approached her unless he wants her.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Paul-

Main reason is most men aren’t so good at communicating what they need to communicate nonverbally.

For instance… say you’re walking down the street. Suddenly, a gorgeous girl dressed incredibly attractively stops you dead in your tracks and says, “Hey, I like your hair. It’s nice.” However, other than this and a friendly smile, you’re not really getting any signals from her that make you think she wants you.

Some guys are so super confident, or sufficiently experienced with girls, that they’ll take even this and run with it, but most guys will just mumble out a “thanks” or a “your hair’s nice too” and then keep walking. They might wonder later if maybe she was trying to talk to them, but then will just assume she was just being nice, because that girl was super hot and they don’t usually get approached by girls like that.

The other reason attainability can be a problem when guys approach (other than failing to show enough interest that it feels like they are legitimately into these girls they’re talking to) can be if they come across fake or tryhard in some way – over-exuberant (“What’s this guy even want with me?”) or too Romeo-ish (“Am I on candid camera? Is this real?”).

There are a million reasons women get approached by men – maybe the guy wants to ask her out, yes, but maybe he wants to sell her something. Maybe he’s going to try to pick her pocket. Maybe he’s a crazy guy and has mental problems. Maybe his buddy’s challenged him to do this and she’s his dupe. Maybe he really legitimately is complimenting her because he honestly just compliments people when he sees stuff he likes (there are actually people who do this – I do this, for instance; “Hey, that’s a really cool coat, man! Nice design work on that. Nice piece”, and I’ve had plenty of guys do it to me too, not because they’re gay or want to be my friend, just because they’re social people and they comment on things they like).

One of the “little” mistakes guys make starting out is to assume it’s obvious to women they’re interested. Assuming that it must be obvious, most guys then try to play down their interest, to “not seem so obvious”, and the girl ends up legitimately mystified about why they’re talking to her… funnily enough.

When I used to coach guys in-field, one of the most frequent pieces of advice I’d end up giving would be, “Dude: that girl likes you. Show more interest in her, stop acting like a wooden plank.”

Even if she logically thinks you might like her, if emotionally it doesn’t feel like you do, she’ll assume you probably have some other reason for chatting her up.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase.

For attainability, you mentioned frequently that she does the boyfriend thing because she feels you are below her. But could it be for another reason, that she feels you are far above her in status (socially, economically, financially, etc.) and she is just trying to save face? How do you know and is there anything you can do about it? For instance, I've dated girls with very low incomes and nothing much to offer. So, I wonder why I should have them in my life. My viewpoint is that she should have something to offer me as much as I have something to offer her. Thanks.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Check the section titled "When It's an Attainability Problem" - that's all about when she uses it to save face because you feel unattainable (you're too low attainability / too hard to get / too far out of her league).

Women are very aware of the "I don't have anything this guy wants" problem. This was one of the toughest ones for me to get over for a long time - I dressed well, had a nice car, a prestigious job, and I'd approach these pretty girls but they'd be working at a salon or something and just auto-reject right away as soon as they could smell it on me. There was an obvious "this guy's unattainable; I don't want to talk to him" reaction I kept having until I reached the point where I was coming in extremely warm and approachable.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Thanks Chase, this really clears some things up for me.
Last Saturday night I approached a girl who said that she had a boyfriend and I didn't know what to do.
It went something like this:
(saw her leaving the bar with her girl friend and went after her)
- "Hi, I saw you leaving the bar and wanted to tell you that you're the most beautiful girl I've seen all night. My name is X."
- She smiled, said thanks and her name while her friend was, well, laughing her ass off...
- I asked them where they're going and we chatted a bit. When I asked her to go for a drink with me sometimes she said: "I have a boyfriend for 5 years and I don't go for drinks."
- I: "I understand you have a boyfriend, but I'd really like to take you for a drink."
- Her: "I know, but we'll see each other again, I go to this bar often." (yea right...)
As she slowly started to walking away, I was standing like frozen with just my head turning and eyes locked with hers, she stopped and said: "Don't look me like that."
I gave her a smile and left...

Later my friend told me she has a boyfriend even before I told him her response (later found out they're on/off) so I just convinced myself that she didn't want to do anything in front of her friend :D

Anyway, I'll be better prepared for next situation like this one.
Thanks Chase and if you have some advice on how I could handle this one better, I'd really appreciate it.

Damon Salvatore's picture

I've been reading the blog for almost 6 months and it's GREAT but there is sooo
much stuff that I'm kind of lost.
I want to aim at becoming sexy, unbelievably sexy, so hot that girls are extremely nervous
in my presence. Almost compellingly sexy.
I know there is the article that addresses sexiness but I'm also discovering other posts
that cover other aspects like edginess, smoothness, ... all components of anyone
who wishes to become the sexiest man alive, or close to that.
I'm 15 and as sleeping with women is not my priority NOW, I thought that I could perfect
sexiness as early as possible.
I know there tons of articles about it and I'm confused.
So can you Chase tell me the articles in order,in a clear, instructed way , like a sort of step by step approach to
become amazingly sexy. And with each article, what exactly I'm going to learn from it
and what role it will play in my overall aim.
Jumping from one article to another was fun but I want a more strategic approach.
I have been called sexy by many girls but now I want to seriously master sexiness
so girls can't keep calm in my presence.

Lastly, your blog is highly appreciated by teenagers Chase though it's aimed at men. Anyway,
I did not mention high school pick up cause i know you have no experience in it. So I mostly want to focus on sexiness. Thanks.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Damon-

Wish I started working on this stuff at your age!

Have you taken the diagnostic quiz yet?:

http://www.girlschase.com/quiz

The books are pretty (painstakingly) laid out in order of progression to get you using the most relevant articles to where you're at, from beginner to journeyman to technician to master. Sexiness/fundamentals are a big focus in there, starting with more foundational elements and building on those with nuance and edges. They're basically designed as the "getting oriented" guide to the huge amount of content we've got on here.

If you haven't gone through those books yet, that's where I'd start!

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase,

I want to a little of topic question. Sometimes or actually most of the time, I like women with sexy bodies and body parts if you know what I mean. Maybe nice cleavage or butt, legs etc... Many times in fact I prefare an average looking woman to a really solid pretty one given that the average woman has a nicer physic.

And here comes my question, in a night club or gym for instance when there is a woman with big boobs or nice butt and clearly most guys are after her and she knows it. It always feels hypocritical to approach that woman and saying like he has a nice energy or that she seems nice, or just go indirect and not even acknowledge it. How do you deal with these?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Well, you CAN open them by complimenting them directly on their physique (nice boobs, nice butt, etc.), but it takes some finesse to do and if you’re not sure how to do it I probably wouldn’t recommend trying.

I’d recommend trying out sexual indirect game, where you’re going indirect words-wise (“How’s your night going?” “That’s a beautiful scarf” “Do you always elbow guys like that when they’re in your way?”), but maintain a strongly sexual vibe / sexual eye contact / voice tone.

When you do this, the communication is “I’m interested, but let’s flirt a bit first”, which can be refreshing when she’s had guys grabbing on her all night or coming onto her with lame pickup lines.

Or, sometimes, if she’s clearly digging the physical attention, the best option is just to be the guy who’s most physically dominant with her (and also sexy / alluring). Depends on the girl and the situation.

If she seems tired of it or like she’s toying with the men who are into her, go indirect (but sexy). If she’s drinking it up, you’ll need to outcompete the other guys on the “who’s most dominant with her” scale.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hello,
I have to ask, how precise would you say is your analysis on this topic? I understand the ego imbalance and trying to save face. When I was in high school, people always talked about how they spent their summer and I was sitting at home playing video games so I usually lied about trips and vacations. Just to keep myself away from the loser teritory.

Does this article apply only if she mentions it seemingly out of nowhere? Also, there might be a problem that it seemed relevant mentioning it to her while I might think it was out of nowhere. But "my boyfriend likes it" is quite smooth way to incorporate it in the conversation.

And does it apply only if she shows high indicators of interest? Because from my experience women mention this usually in a "set" way, once vibe changes a bit and is like if you two were friends.

Also, I always went the #2 route also with "Well, are you guys happy together, is he the one?" since I read an article from Ricardus few years back and it seems to work well. I mean, I got a call from a taken girl once she broke up with her bf, so it might be thank to that.

Thanks in advance for further elaboration

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Girls typically know what they’re doing when they bring the boyfriend topic up.

Even if it seems smooth (“Oh yeah, my boyfriend likes that”), it’s not unless she clearly views you as 100% platonic. That’s because anything less than 100% platonic, and she’s going to think, “Hey may not like hearing I have a boyfriend” (if she legitimately does have one), which means when she includes it, she’s doing so for a reason.

That one’s pretty rare in my experience – usually only with extremely inexperienced women (maybe one or two or no prior sex partners) who are still in a naïve “Oh! People are talking to me because they are just social, and simply find me interesting!” way of viewing the world.

The other time this can happen naturally is if she’s low/no empathy (narcissist, for instance) and doesn’t consider others’ emotional states before she speaks – she just says stuff that gets her certain reactions. Even then, she knows saying she has a boyfriend affects men certain ways and makes most of them squirm and others step up to the plate.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Do girls like yo more when they know more about you, your life
or when you don't say much and remain a mystery?

In a class i attend weekly, there is this guy who's on Facebook where he
posts photos of him doing cool stuff while also always talking about his likes,
his passions. Just by viewing his page, you learn a lot on him and girls seem to find him super interesting.

Then there's me, the guy who tries to display a mysterious image, not on Facebook, everyone knowing little about him and eventually can't compete with
the other guy.
It seems on this site that you insist on girls knowing little on you but I'm seeing the contrary.
Clearly I'm missing something in displaying the mysterious image.
Your thoughts?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Well, first off, what are you basing your gauge of this guy’s success rates on – do you know how often he gets laid? Or you’re just looking at the attention he gets?

Be careful of confusing reactions for results.

If you saw me in 2007 to 2008, I had a fairly active Facebook page with lots of awesome travel photos, pictures of me with all these really hot girls, girls writing on my wall calling me sexy and other girls leaving “I love you, baby” messages on there. I was always going to parties and social events. People I’d talk to in real life would continually tell me how exciting my life looked from what I posted on Facebook.

At the time I was doing all this, I had a friend who did not have a Facebook account, didn’t do anything cooler than saunter over to the local dive bar and get toasted, and kept a pretty small social circle. He mostly just chilled. Didn’t really talk about himself much to girls (there wasn’t much to say; he had a boring job and his hobbies were alcohol and South Park), just joked around with them a lot, teased them, and made sex jokes. He got laid about 5x or 6x as much as I did in that time period.

Sometimes it looks like the noisiest guy must be doing the best. That can be the case sometimes (e.g., a really cool DJ who slams groupies after the show – looks like he gets a lot of female attention online, and he actually does get a lot of female attention in real life, too), but usually it just means the guy’s really good at building a cool-looking Facebook page.

(which is not to you’re doing great just because you’re mysterious either – a lot of guys who aren’t that skilled with women yet conflate “I don’t do or say much” with “I’m intriguing to women and they want to know more about me” – check out the posts on sprezzatura and ambiguous value. It may just be you need to get yourself to the point where you’re actively intriguing to women, rather than simply Unknown)

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Can anyone give me an idea of what short sexy messy hair
is supposed to look like?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Check out this article by Darius: Sexy Man’s Grooming Guide, Part 3: Choosing a Hairstyle.

Go down to "Step Three – Your Personal Image". You'll see two images next to each other down a bit in this section, one with neat hair, one with what Darius is calling "sexy-messy" hair. The one on the right is what this looks like.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Just wondering where Hector was? I would like to hear from him, his
articles are kick ass!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

I have it on good authority he's putting the finishing touches on his final article in a multi-part series.

(his preference is to completely finish a series, then submit all the articles at once - guess it's a strategy to keep the whole thing cohesive / coherent across installments)

Chase

Adam101's picture

Thanks for another great article Chase. I was actually very happy to see this subject tackled because I feel understanding this is one of the most important things one needs to know when starting out. For so long I took "I have a boyfriend." at face value thinking there were no single girls around because since they're all great of course they're taken. This caused me to miss many opportunities over the years. It also made me think of some interactions where, had I possessed the knowledge at the time, probably could have achieved better results from them. I'll admit I have heard this line so many times in life that when the bomb gets dropped it causes physical revulsion. All the more reason to not put up with it and tackle the test in the various ways you outlined above. As always insightful and invaluable.

Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase nice article....little confusing though...I will read it over again.

Hey chase I was wondering what did you think of Floyd Mayweather Jr? I have grown obsessed with him from what he has accomplished like being successful and the richest athlete. What really sticks out is how he achieved so much money by being the bad guy

I was wondering myself could I imitate what he's doing myself?

Do you watch him yourself? Are you impressed by what he's done? Are you surprised how much money he gets for being the bad guy? What all can you learn from a guy like him?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Gennady-

See my response to you here: Mayweather.

Chase

AnonDude's picture

Hi Chase. Sorry for going off topic but you mentioned some time ago that you are working or planning on working on a new product that will have all the new and old info from this site in one package.

Can you tell me more about it? Are you still working on it and if yes when do you expect it to come out?

I don't care about Tinder and other stuff like it since it is not all that popular where I come from but a product that has all the info from this site condensed in one comprehensive but easy to use package would be amazing!

That or some kind of Day Game guide would be nice since this site lacks posts on that topic in my opinion.

AnonDude's picture

You answered my question on your last post. Didn't know you are going to a reply on an older post so I asked again. Thanks.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Don't mention, AnonDude!

Anyone just tuning, here was my response.

Chase

Lawliet's picture

Hi Chase,

Another great article as always, opens fabulous insight for me!
You've definitely got another devoted reader on your list!

I could use your advice on being taken advantage of.
I've been struggling with how to deal with friends lately.

I've read your "How to Make Friends" about front-load our value.
Does this include offering to treat them lunch or giving free stuff?

In your "It's her investment in You" article, you also listed friends as not something "do for them and they'll do for you" logic.

I've tried treating friends but they don't seem to respond friendly toward me.
Is there a balance or do we not treat (invest) them at all?

And how to create friendships without seeming like their "father provider" giving them monthly subsidy to kids?

Your Devoted Reader,
Lawliet

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Lawliet-

I’d be careful about buying stuff for people unless there’s a clear value differential, or you’re using that for a foot in the door.

e.g., if there’s someone I’d like to meet, I might offer for us to get drinks or a meal, my treat. But I’m not going to pay for food every time, unless it’s an out-and-out mentor-mentee relationship and me paying for food is part of the unspoken arrangement of our social contract.

Likewise, I’ve often had folks make this offer to me, and it’s well-received, but it’s got to be part of an overall attractive offer: “Hey, I like your site, let me buy you lunch,” I’m going to turn down, because as nice as that is, I have no idea who randomjoe@hotmail.com is.

Contrast that with “Hey, I like your site. I run a venture-funded startup focused on just-in-time warehouse delivery and it’s really helped me improve how I communicate with staff and manage my team better. I’d love to buy you lunch and say thanks if you’re around.” That kind of thing I’ll be a lot more likely to say yes to, because I know if he’s that busy he probably respects other people’s time, he’s probably a smart, ambitious dude, his knowledge is practical and results-based and not just theoretical (there are a lot of really smart, ambitious people with great, passionate, idealistic theoretical ideas about how the world works, that aren't so useful until they get out there and spend a few years having those precious ideas tortured and destroyed by the world and forging newer, more resilient, more practical ones) and we’re likely to have more in common, etc.

So, it’s not just what’s being offered, but who’s offering it, and what else is on the table.

Check out these articles, they might help; what you may want to be focusing on now is finding ways to increase the social value you have to offer:

Chase

Lawliet's picture

Thanks Chase, this has certainly helped me understand more. Time to keep the grind going! Thanks again bro!

Lawliet!

Anonymous's picture

There's a guy who was my excellent friend but due to some religious purposes,
he decided not to talk to me anymore. He began treating me like shit and cut me
off his life. It's been 2 years now.
The problem, and I guess I'm crazy, is that I'm vulnerable around him, whatever he says to me has a huge impact on my mood.
We don't even look at each other but today we were playing cards in a group of friends and he just
slipped in a few comments ( bad ones ) in an attempt to disturb me and it worked!
This guy has control over my emotional mind and I clearly cannot do anything when I'm around him. It's like I really care about what he will think of me although
he hates me.
And the fact that I consider him to be better than me, higher than me, does not help.
Please, how can I move on, achieve mental freedom, and make this guy like any other guy whom I probably would not care if he treated me like shit.
Help me please.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

It’s the terms the relationship ended on.

When someone unilaterally cuts things off with you, it’ll often leave you frozen in time with this person, in need of closure and vulnerable to things they say / do until you get it.

Seems to be the mind having trouble reconciling the thought of “I thought we were really close… but then he did THIS, and it seems like my thoughts were wrong. But I really FELT it! It doesn’t compute.”

Only way around this (if you can’t cut the guy off) is to seize the moral high ground and start fighting back: Brain Hacks: Using Moral Superiority to Turn Arguments.

He’s figured out what he believes (his religion), and is using it against you to attack you from a “holier than thou” point of view you just take on the chin.

What YOU must figure out is what you believe in, what you stand for, and why that’s “right”. Once you’ve got that figured out, you’ll be able to put the heft of moral force behind your positions, and defend yourself (or outright attack him back for his lack of moral standing).

If you need help figuring out what you stand for or believe in, read this article: The Purpose of Life from a Practical Point of View.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Thanks for the reply Chase, I really thought I was doomed...
My only problem is the fear of taking action against him. I cant count the number
of times I answered back , stood against him and tried to fight for my status and
respect only to have him win the argument.
He was not accusing me or anything, just challenging me.
The guy's a comeback king, witty and can outsmart me in a social situations.
My question : Should I still take action though he will eventually win and humiliate me?
I would opt for ignoring him but it's only out of fear.
I fear confrontation so much.

Anonymous's picture

I used the line (number 2) to cut the bullshit. She hit me back with: "I am married." (obvious lie). When I attempted continuation, she bailed. I must train my subcom skills ey?!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Well, it happens.

Two things you can do:

- If you can figure out something that might've contributed to the cold reception (value or attainability), tweak it for next time.

- If you can't... put it out of your mind and go meet more new women. Now, if it KEEPS happening, you'll have to sit down and figure out why (and remedy it). If one of the next girls you hit it off with though, it may just be one of those "girl just wasn't receptive to you" things that's sometimes hard to crack, and not worth worrying about for now.

Chase

CHAZ's picture

What about the "are you single" line to start a conversation? I read it in some article a few months ago. Does that still work?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Chaz-

Sure does - give it whirl.

Of course, different things work differently for different people.

If you like it and it suits your style, take it for a spin.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

HI chase,

I have been going crazy Chase, I am extremely depressed and hopeless. I'm depressed about women and life. I compare myself to everyone, I hate people who are taller than me, or that are more successful than me that I know personally. I hate myself, I always wish I was taller, even though I'm not short, I'm 6 ft 2 but I see extremely tall men and women around a lot, how the he'll are these girls getting so damn tall. I wish I was more successful than I am. I always wish I had this knowledge back in the day, I always wish that I could do things over and do things right. I do try to make things better but it isn't working for me like I had planned.

I keep trying to get better with women, but I am having an extremely hard time, and it's making me go crazy. I'm going even more crazy now because I really just realized that sex is like one of the most important things in the world. People gossip about it all the time, its in the movies, sex is everything. I feel so horrible with my low lay count. People are talking about their lay counts. I read on boards and hear from girls themselves saying they are really at the 50's 60's and up, I'm like wtf!!!! How can you have so many partners?? The men say their at 100+, I won't even mention my low lay count, it is fucking embarrassing and I feel completely worthless and lame for being nowhere near where these girls are. How lame can I be?

I feel so bad that I'm not more successful than the people I know. They are all doing better than me, and I'm here struggling. I feel like a loser, and a lame, I feel like why am I here?

I regret so much not doing sports, or something to get me rich and famous. All did was just be a regular ass dude. I feel like I have failed in life, I feel worthless.

I'm not crying, I'm just saying how I feel, and wondering if there is anyway I can combat this and come out on top, better than I could have imagined.

I really have no idea what I can do.
I really do try to get more partners, but I have been getting rejected like crazy. I have stepped up my fashion, approached, worked out. I even get closed ton getting lay, but I get rejected all the time.
I've been job hunting like crazy, but no luck.

I feel so worthless. I hope you can tell me what I'm going through and how I can beat this problem I'm having.

Thank you Chase

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

It’s a funny thing to base your life around, but do this:

If lay count is the most important thing in the world to you, take a sabbatical from work and plan a trip to a place where it’s super easy to get laid (Thailand, Philippines, Africa, some parts of South America). Go there and just run through girls until you’ve got double the count of the next highest guy you know.

I know guys who’ve gone to some of these places and done 50 in a month. If you have decent game it’s really not that hard. If you don’t have decent game, spend a little while getting your game up on local women to train yourself up, then book your sabbatical once you’re getting solid-enough results with locals.

What you’ll find once you’re at 100, or 200, or what have you, is that, sitting there on the top of the mountain, it’s a totally useless number. It’s cool to have it, but it’s useless. What does the guy who’s been with 1000 women have that the guy who’s been with 10 or 20 (and is happy with that) doesn’t have?

Thing with numbers is it’s easy to cheat. Most guys hear some guy’s been with 100 women, or some girl’s been with 50 guys, and they imagine it’s all supermodels for the guy and Brad Pitt-looking investment bankers for the girl.

When in reality, you start hanging out with the high count guys and you realize they take plenty of fat girls and ugly girls, and you start hanging out with high count girls and you realize they shag all kinds of guys you wouldn’t think a girl with their good looks would ever go for.

And when you reach the point where you’re high count, you end up being that way too. You still hook up with some really beautiful girls, of course, but you’re also less concerned with maintaining super high standards for every girl you take; see: Lower Your Standards (and Date Hotter Girls) (the male slut, if you will).

Numbers are not that hard to get once you have a basic level of game and decent fundamentals. However, you do need to put the work in up front to get those results. Once you get there, then it’s just a question of capitalizing on what you’ve worked for.

I don’t know how old you are, but you know, most people get to a certain point and then coast. You see a guy with muscles and he’s been working out 10 years, you think you’ll never surpass him; but the truth is most of his gains came during a 1- or 2-year period and he’s just been maintaining since then. If you sit down and lift – REALLY lift – for 1.5 or 2.5 years, you’ll be bigger than him by the end of it. Same deal with lays and lay counts – many guys get the majority of their lays in college, or when they were living in XYZ party town, or in that stretch they had between marriages, etc. If you build the skills and fundamentals, you can pass them in a couple of years of effort after that, if that really is the goal.

Anyway, there’s a fair bit of research on comparison, and the conclusion is this: if you compare yourself to your betters when you’re good, it motivates you, challenges you, and makes you hungry. But if you compare yourself to your betters when you lack skill, it demotivates you and defeats you. What works when you’re less skilled is comparing yourself against an earlier version of yourself: “You know what, these days I can go out and get 1 new phone number per day if I try. I couldn’t even get 1 phone number a week if I tried 6 months ago.” Save the comparisons for once you are good with girls and find them motivating.

It might take some effort, but I’d suggest starting with doing the work and comparing yourself against your prior self.

And get working on whatever things you want to be better in. Wallowing in self-pity is about as useful as wishing on a star. You want the results... put the work in to get 'em.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Thanks man, I was really going crazy, and laughed at what I wrote. I appreciate the help man. And I'm almost 30 that's why I am in the state I'm in. If my age helps you explain anything more to me, I will be more than glad for your sage advice.

What can I do this old to turn this around?

lux7's picture

"I know guys who’ve gone to some of these places and done 50 in a month."

God!
That would probably include prostitutes though, I suppose.

On the "easy" places, I'd say part of Africa if you are white, win HANDS DOWN, as you still need some game in South East Asia without paying.

I have a (white) friend with a very good job in Africa, he got so accustomed to girls going with him effortlessly, he completely lost game when traveling back to Europe as all he had to do there was smile, buy something do drink/eat and invite home.

Hieronymous's picture

Can't believe I just stumbled on this site; so much great stuff, Chase.

Anyway, I'm in a weird "I have a BF" situation. Last night I was out with a couple buddies, and a cute girl approached me and started flirting hard. Fives minutes later, her actual boyfriend shows up and introduces himself. I was about to write the girl off, but she went on flirting with me, completely ignoring her boyfriend as my buddies chatted him up. We totally hit it off and kept this up for probably an hour.

My buddies leave, and her boyfriend goes to the bathroom. Already broached physical contact, so I put my hand on her leg and ask something like "What's really the deal with this dude?" She gives an "ugh, I don't even know" type response, then gives me her number so we can meet up this week for some drinks.

I sent a couple of flirty texts today and got a good response, but at one point she dropped a "i love my bf but we can totally be friends". I (think I) brushed it off by saying "Sure, let's make friends over a drink or three on Tuesday. I'll show you some new spots" [she's new in town]. She says, "That sounds awesome! Not sure about Tuesday, but I'll let you know once I get my week figured out."

I don't feel I was misinterpreting signals last night. She was telling me in no uncertain terms that she found me crazy attractive, reciprocated physical contact, etc. Is her friend bomb a serious "don't try to bang me", or is she trying to save face/convince herself?

I'm still getting the hang of all this, and I'll probably end up blowing it before you respond, but any insight would be helpful. Never had a situation like this before, and I feel like there's some valuable lessons to be learned, regardless of the outcome.

Keep up the great work, Chase!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hieronymous-

Same situation that sent me searching for info online back in 2005. Pretty girl in a nightclub, she has a boyfriend, but super touchy / flirty in front of him, even ignoring him and everyone else for you. Text with her, but she won't meet up with you anywhere but bars/club. Yet she's super fun and into and flirty.

These girls are complicated, because they usually do genuinely like you somewhat, however they're also both of these girls:

They like attention, but they're also really good at the high-wire act of keeping the guys they like interested without actually crossing the line and doing anything with them that's going to jeopardize their current relationship.

Still worth taking a shot at it - "we can be friends" is sometimes codespeak for "we can be lovers, we just can't be serious" - but you'll have to focus on communicating discretion and continuing to escalate things forward. It can also just mean "I'm new in town and I'd like people to platonically show me around." If she still resists or keeps playing it off, focus on other girls and you can always check back in with her once every month or two and see if her disposition's changed (e.g., if her current relationship wraps up or is in the process of ending, if she's newly single, etc.).

Chase

Hieronymous's picture

Thanks for the reply, Chase.

Just ended up making some weekday plans on my day off with this girl ("You can take me off my boyfriend's hands while he's at work!" -Indeed!), then she went and told him about our proposed meetup like a dummy. Now she's playing the "Gee, I don't know why he's mad" card.

I'm going to cut off communication with her because I have other options and I'm going on a long vacation soon, but her relationship seems iffy enough that I want to keep future options open. Should I lay some cards out and let her know that I was definitely looking for something other than friends, and she has my number if things change?

A.K.Z's picture

Please I really need help...I met this girl I have been chatting with and I have fallen for her and I don't know if she feels the same for me...yesterday we were knowing each other better and she was like I miss my boyfriend and yet they are done cause that is what she told me...the same day as I finished watching a movie we began chatting and I told her the movie I was from watching and she was like but you like me more than you like the movie...than as time went on she was like am joking I was just playing around with you...please help to know if she is interested in me or not...and if not please how can I make her love,want me...and on terms of story like what to discuss with her am kind of blank...give me some tips of questions or story I can bring up which can keep the conversation going...

John Smith's picture

Hello guys, i really need help trying to solve this:

So there is this girl in my class(we are 18-19 btw) that i was and still am attracted to. I went ahead and talked to her after class, while we were walking. I introduced myself and so did she, she started with the first topic which i did not expect at all, but i am glad that she did.
We proceeded to talk about our future majors and while she was talking about her options she said this: i would like to pursue law, but if that doesn't work i would like to be X or maybe a Hostess given that her boyfriend is taking a pilot major. We continued to talk for a bit and then went our separate ways.

Here it is what really bothered about all of this and for you to comprehend i have to give you a bit of a backstory.
The first time i spoke to her was to ask for a pencil( at this point i did not have any sort of attraction for her) and she proceed to stand up and give me the pencil(she sits in one of the furthest seats from me).
The other story is when she heard the teacher saying my grade(which was the best possible grade).
I am also prettier then her in terms of 1 to 10, IM A GUY.

Why am i telling you this? Because i think this has to do with my ATTAINABILITY.
Does she think that i am out of her league now? Is this why she brought up the boyfriend and we still talked after that and is that why she started the 1st topic( because she is attracted but she thinks i am out of her league?)
Also the pencil thing, did i gave out any sort of message like she had to reach out to me if she wanted to be close to me?

Her behavior just didnt seem right to me.

Thanks guys.

ZefferAnon's picture

Chase,

So met this retailer girl at the mall, got her number and asked for her name etc. She gave it to me without much hesitation. Upon our msgs, she said she has a boyfriend and that she would not be able to come out to even have drinks. I used #2 as my way to go. She said they have been together for a long time, but haven't gotten married yet.

How should I go about it?
Thanks all!

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