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Don’t get stuck in boring go-nowhere conversations with girls. Ditch the small talk, and flirt with ‘small talk zero’ instead.
This is for any guy who runs into this issue:
You're in a situation, start to talk to a girl, make small talk about the setting/situation, then get trapped in a platonic conversation where you talk about boring situational things that neither you nor the girl care about. She loses interest and slips away.
If this happens to you, there's an easy tactic you can use, and that is to go 'small talk zero'. Instead of make small talk, your entire early conversation consists of flirtatious banter.
Sometimes you can make small talk work perfectly fine, especially if you are confident in how you do it and don't spend too long on it. However, if you're nervous, or don't feel in control of the situation, it's easy to fall into a small talk loop, where small talk leads to more small talk, which leads to boredom, and women leaving.
Since we don't want attractive women leaving, instead of getting trapped in an endless small talk loop, we can use 'zero small talk' flirtation instead.
Comments
Conversation and building lasting friendships / social circles
Hey Chase,
Thanks for the article on conversation flirting!
I've reached a sticky point with making friends (not referring to dating or meeting girls specifically, but building friendships) I read your advice like putting yourself out there or common activity many times. Friendship takes time, but if they don't come out, then it ends
It really hit me until recently when my friend moved to another country and for whatever reason no longer answers my texts? I didn't light his house on fire after he left, or post "GO YANKEES!" on his wallpaper... so not sure what happened. That's when I realize a problem, meeting new friends don't stick...or they don't expand
I've tried all that. I put myself out there, talked with everyone I came across during the day, and tried different activity clubs, even activist clubs. If it is from a meet up group, people don't stick around in the meet up group. It's great for meeting new girls sure. But friends? Most people rather do group thing instead of one-on-one especially if it's another guy. Issue is people then start leaving meet up after getting their fill, and then you never see them again. It also doesn't feel like YOUR friends when the context always involve the club...the existing hierarchy. etc.
I've met many people and like many have suggested, I did all of them. I was friendly, and chatty, and cared about learning more about this new friend. And we have a great time. I've learned to joke, also developed a real curiosity about other people. And usually at worst, we have a nice conversation.
But when you hit them up after a week or so, they won't come out even if we talked about plans before ending the conversation. They may not even text you back. But most of the time, they'll be busy. And after a few tries, it pretty much ends there for MAJORITY of people I meet.
I have made great friends and stayed in touch with few, but most were a dud that never stuck around.
This is how the process goes for me:
1. Meeting them
2. Having a great chat, common hobbies, beliefs, you name it, joking, fun time!
3. Exchange contact
4. Hit them up
5a. They come out
5b. They don't come out, try again later.
People who don't come out usually will say they're busy or they're meeting up with their own groups.
People who do come out usually will stick to a one-on-one basis, so every time you see them, you meet them one on one. Which can be fun. I had some good fun sports time with this set up. But imagine having 5 friends... that's 5 separate one-on-one hangout... it's time consuming.
A common issue from both outcomes is... these people don't invite you to their existing social circle. You become a separate entity to fit into their existing schedule, so their chances of squeezing extra time for you is low. They already have work, school, whatever. Even if they do meet you, it sticks with this one-on-one basis and you never expand your social circle neither do they invite you because there's this awkward "they don't know each other" hesitation I've noticed.
Best outcome: One-on-one, but meeting each friend to build the friendship on a one-on-one basis is tough on their schedule as well as yours. It doesn't last.
Worst outcome: Never hear them again
Painful outcome: When you finally click with someone, and they hangout with you a few times...then they move away to another country for work or study and you lose this friend...
At the end, we have to start doing group events and gathering these one-on-one basis and meshing them together.
I've tried that too! It's a lot of work and most of the time doesn't work due to schedule conflicts. Also, I don't have a house to host a party in, so that makes things more complicated. Most attempts have failed because friends conflicting schedules don't work out and eventually some people will leave for vacation and trips... By the time they're back, other people are busy. Pretty much cancelled at that point.
Any beacon of light to shed into this endless stagnant loop of effortful attempts?
Re: Friends who give reserved answers over trivial matters
Could be just casual conversation, but they give a generic answer... with dating, we ask more and deep dive. But I notice these individuals become uncomfortable, pause and give another generic answer or they avoid answering the question in full. Even if it's a simple topic such as "what hobby they're doing lately" or "what were you checking out?" for something they mentioned themselves. Turns out that the something was a new gym he was checking out... It's funny because I used to be like this, but it's driving me crazy when I meet people like this. It really ruins the "closeness" and "we click" feel when someone acts tip-toeing around me. It makes me no longer trust them as if our previous rapport was all a mirage.
An example of this is a friend who I have online contact with. I noticed he changed his privacy settings to private. Finding it strange, I casually ask him what's new with him, I don't see any updates on my feed anymore. He then replies it's set to private. I ask why, and he says "obvious reasons". Then I ask, eh it wasn't like that before, and he says he didn't know. But I know he's lying because he was telling me the privacy settings when I first registered. But why? I didn't bother to continue asking as I picked up he's uncomfortable with this and left it. Still makes me feel like we aren't as close as I thought we were.
Thoughts or advice for dealing with people like this?
Thanks for reading such a long reply, Chase. I was a little detailed to fully illustrate what I've been experiencing so we can figure this sticky point out.
Lawliet
Making New Friends and Building Friendship Groups
Lawliet-
It feels like you are trying to make some people into friends who don't fit that role. And maybe aren't going about things the right way with the ones who could.
It takes time to turn a stranger into a full friend. The one exception is "new people"... he just got to town and doesn't know anyone yet. Then you can pull him right in. Otherwise, he has his own circle and his own schedule.
So you invite him to group stuff you're doing sometimes. If you don't have friends, invite him to an event you want to go to: "Hey man, up to hit up this wine tasting with me? Looks like there should be babes there." "Hey bro, ever done archery? Wanna hit this thing up with me and see if it's any good?" "Yo man, there's a party in South Granville this weekend I might hit up. Wanna go, or what are you up to this weekend?"
Other times, just ping him to see if he's around for drinks: "Hey bro, wanna grab drinks tonight?"
With time, as you build a connection with him, and he starts to feel a bond with you, he'll include you in more of his stuff, and he'll make himself more available to you.
It can take a long time for someone to complete merge you with his friend group. It's not really something to rush. Sometimes I have been friends with a guy for years, hung out sometimes with his friend group, but never really merged with them... often because we weren't really a fit (the group and me). Sometimes after years that friend group will dissolve and the guy and I will be better friends now, and form our own circle of friends. It just goes like that sometimes. Again... can't rush it. If you and him really are matched as friends, just enjoy hanging out with your buddy, invite him to stuff, go to stuff he invites you to, and don't worry as much about the details.
Chase
Hey Chase, I really like this
Hey Chase, I really like this style of banter! It seems like something I could incorporate in my own game. I by accidentally thought that there wasn't much of a learning curve, so I tried it out a few times this past summer. Haven't got it fully employed yet, but I can see how it will work! I was hoping if you wouldn't mind giving at least 2 more examples with different sequences, so I can see how to come up with my own sequences. Generally, Chase, your articles in regards to flirting tech have always had multiple examples, which makes it easier to learn. But this time, strangely, there was only one example!
Also, from a learning perspective, do you think it's best to fully grasp the individual verbal pieces first on their own and then try to put them together or is it okay to use this style of banter even if I have a mediocre grasp of each verbal piece?
As, a long time devoted reader and a first time commentor, I just wanted to say a big thank you to Chase and the whole Girls Chase team! This site has been been a great influence on me, as it has made my life better, richer, and shall I say, more interesting ;) Once again, thank you :)
Flawed Romantic
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