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Lawliet's picture

Hey Chase,

Thanks for the article on conversation flirting!

I've reached a sticky point with making friends (not referring to dating or meeting girls specifically, but building friendships) I read your advice like putting yourself out there or common activity many times. Friendship takes time, but if they don't come out, then it ends

It really hit me until recently when my friend moved to another country and for whatever reason no longer answers my texts? I didn't light his house on fire after he left, or post "GO YANKEES!" on his wallpaper... so not sure what happened. That's when I realize a problem, meeting new friends don't stick...or they don't expand

I've tried all that. I put myself out there, talked with everyone I came across during the day, and tried different activity clubs, even activist clubs. If it is from a meet up group, people don't stick around in the meet up group. It's great for meeting new girls sure. But friends? Most people rather do group thing instead of one-on-one especially if it's another guy. Issue is people then start leaving meet up after getting their fill, and then you never see them again. It also doesn't feel like YOUR friends when the context always involve the club...the existing hierarchy. etc. 

I've met many people and like many have suggested, I did all of them. I was friendly, and chatty, and cared about learning more about this new friend. And we have a great time. I've learned to joke, also developed a real curiosity about other people. And usually at worst, we have a nice conversation.

But when you hit them up after a week or so, they won't come out even if we talked about plans before ending the conversation. They may not even text you back. But most of the time, they'll be busy. And after a few tries, it pretty much ends there for MAJORITY of people I meet.

I have made great friends and stayed in touch with few, but most were a dud that never stuck around.

This is how the process goes for me:

1. Meeting them

2. Having a great chat, common hobbies, beliefs, you name it, joking, fun time!

3. Exchange contact

4. Hit them up

5a. They come out

5b. They don't come out, try again later.

People who don't come out usually will say they're busy or they're meeting up with their own groups.

People who do come out usually will stick to a one-on-one basis, so every time you see them, you meet them one on one. Which can be fun. I had some good fun sports time with this set up. But imagine having 5 friends... that's 5 separate one-on-one hangout... it's time consuming.

A common issue from both outcomes is... these people don't invite you to their existing social circle. You become a separate entity to fit into their existing schedule, so their chances of squeezing extra time for you is low. They already have work, school, whatever. Even if they do meet you, it sticks with this one-on-one basis and you never expand your social circle neither do they invite you because there's this awkward "they don't know each other" hesitation I've noticed.

Best outcome: One-on-one, but meeting each friend to build the friendship on a one-on-one basis is tough on their schedule as well as yours. It doesn't last.

Worst outcome: Never hear them again

Painful outcome: When you finally click with someone, and they hangout with you a few times...then they move away to another country for work or study and you lose this friend...

At the end, we have to start doing group events and gathering these one-on-one basis and meshing them together.

I've tried that too! It's a lot of work and most of the time doesn't work due to schedule conflicts. Also, I don't have a house to host a party in, so that makes things more complicated. Most attempts have failed because friends conflicting schedules don't work out and eventually some people will leave for vacation and trips... By the time they're back, other people are busy. Pretty much cancelled at that point.

Any beacon of light to shed into this endless stagnant loop of effortful attempts?

Re: Friends who give reserved answers over trivial matters

Could be just casual conversation, but they give a generic answer... with dating, we ask more and deep dive. But I notice these individuals become uncomfortable, pause and give another generic answer or they avoid answering the question in full. Even if it's a simple topic such as "what hobby they're doing lately" or "what were you checking out?" for something they mentioned themselves. Turns out that the something was a new gym he was checking out... It's funny because I used to be like this, but it's driving me crazy when I meet people like this. It really ruins the "closeness" and "we click" feel when someone acts tip-toeing around me. It makes me no longer trust them as if our previous rapport was all a mirage.

An example of this is a friend who I have online contact with. I noticed he changed his privacy settings to private. Finding it strange, I casually ask him what's new with him, I don't see any updates on my feed anymore. He then replies it's set to private. I ask why, and he says "obvious reasons". Then I ask, eh it wasn't like that before, and he says he didn't know. But I know he's lying because he was telling me the privacy settings when I first registered. But why? I didn't bother to continue asking as I picked up he's uncomfortable with this and left it. Still makes me feel like we aren't as close as I thought we were.

Thoughts or advice for dealing with people like this?


Thanks for reading such a long reply, Chase. I was a little detailed to fully illustrate what I've been experiencing so we can figure this sticky point out.