You might tell yourself “I’ll show her!” when a girl is resistant to or uninterested in you. Is there a better way to respond to a resistant or disinterested woman?
There’s a mentality I see a lot from guys. I’ve been guilty of it too, so I won’t claim innocence.
1. “I’ll Show Her” Is Ego Defense
3. The Downsides of “I’ll Show Her”
It goes like this: some girl doesn’t give you what you want, or she puts up walls to you, or does something else you do not like. In defiance, you tell yourself, “I’ll show her!” and you end the courtship. She’ll miss you when you’re gone – but now it’s too late for her; her chance with you is blown.
This mentality does indeed have its uses. We’ll talk about them below.
However, much of the time guys use it, it is just puffery. The girl moves on, doesn’t spend more than a few thoughts on you, and meets someone else. You, meanwhile, get to be alone with all your “I sure showed her!” thoughts.
If you do it, should you never do it? And if you don’t do it, what ought you do instead?
I've found the "I'll show her
I've found the "I'll show her" mentality to be one of the biggest stumbling blocks in my dating life. And looking back on my history of dating I've realized that a lot of women have been that way with me too. It's a tough thing to fight off particularly if you've just been through a string of rejections or you're really into someone.
Looking back I've seen the decision to follow through on these sorts of behaviors was motivated by very strong emotions. I consider myself a pretty reasonable and level-headed guy but when the big rejection seems imminent the feelings can be overwhelming. Really crazy stuff.
It's amazing that storming off on someone can feel like the best option in the mating game. It makes me wonder how such a behavior could have ever even been selected for considering how absolutely ineffective and outright destructive it is to our mating lives. You would think those "I'll show you" people would never pass on their genes since it literally kills a courtship instantly. Strange.
I've noticed that storming off is a particularly common trait among the women I've met and it's certainly the most frustrating aspect of dating in my exeperience. I'm pretty sure the "resting bitch face" phenomenon (which I also hate) is related to this too as it seems to result from suppressed resentment and anticipation of disappointment when faced with human relations.
In the world of instant gratification the idea of "working it out" with someone seems to have disappeared. The epidemic of narcissism seems to have eroded our ability to get into other peopeles' heads and understand things from their perspective. "How could they NOT KNOW this is wrong?" is the ever-unanswered yet ever-present question milling about in the dating scene. And as long as the anti-social and passivity trends continue in our culture this will only get worse. As the article rightly suggests, both men and women need to be more active in voicing their frustrations with others and proposing solutions if they expect to get what they want in life.
A life of resentment, doubt, and regret is hell. Speak your mind to women, tell them what you want, and you'll make your life infintely easier and more enjoyable.
Good article, Chase.
You have a very good point. I can relate to that.
Have to Do Something (But Don't Know What)
Speculatively, it seems like most of our mating adaptations are better geared toward warm approaches over cold approaches. And storming off can work at times in social circle - often when it happens, the party who caused the offense will be shocked ("Oh. I didn't know I'd pushed that far") and may go offer an olive branch.
In cold approach, of course, it's pretty useless. You're never going to see her again if you storm off.
More than anything it seems like a "I have to do SOMETHING but don't know WHAT to do" type of reaction. Where the individual does something flailing just to get out of a bad scenario. Once you can program yourself with better reactions for similarly bad scenarios, you don't need to fall back on this so much - like the man who understands riptides and does not panic when he gets caught in one, instead going with the flow or swimming perpindicular to the tide to get out of it, versus fighting against it, exhausting himself, and drowning.
I'm pretty sure most people who are rude/dismissive to other people know what they're doing is wrong. They just do it for some petty, dark satisfaction at another person's expense - the bitter person who gets off on raining on others' parades. Unfortunately, there are all types out there, including people who want to hurt others to try to make themselves feel better.
But if the only response you know is beta...
Several times I have been in this place, and I now know it was time to walk away, Most turned out to be attempts to make me jealous, but sounded like you be my beta orbiter who buys me dinner and spends money on me while I look for (or enjoy) an alpha [did not know the words back then, but felt the emotions].
When She Tries to Position You as Her Orbiter
Depending on your relationship with the girl, you can sometimes beat those comments back.
I have often had girlfriends early on into sexual relationships get fed up with me over something and hit me with things like "We can just be friends. We can hang out and get food and go to the movies. Just as friends."
To which my response is always "You're gonna need to find another guy for that. That doesn't sound like something I'd be interested in." Which immediately flips it to now where if she wants it, she's got to sell me on it. Which of course she won't do, since it's really just a test, and she's just talking out of fleeting emotion.
If it's a girl you aren't sleeping with, yeah, can be tough. You get the girl who's just being dismissive - best to just walk away. If she's trying to make you jealous, testing her back works great:
Then she has to sell you on why 'taking it slow' is a good choice and on how you and her actually do have chemistry (and of course once you and her have chemistry, there's no need to take it slow).
Of course, you've gotta have that repository of resonses to draw from to do these. Before you've got that, you will just feel stuck when you end up in "put on the spot" situations like this.
1. "If I was you, I would focus on leveling myself up first, then worrying about getting women who hold men to higher standards first. Don't worry about how you are going to win a baseball game when you don't know how to throw a baseball yet. Focus on how to throw the baseball first."
I get what you're saying, almost. I really don't want professional women to be honest, at least right now, when I have a lot more money I'll think about it.
It's just as of right now I have no idea what woman would date me or sleep with me at the moment as I level up.
A. When I'm talking about professional women, I mostly mean how would I go about it if I happen to approach her or pick her up? I don't think you can really tell where a girl works and stuff, so what would I do if I happen to approach one not knowing she is? Am I out of luck and should abort? Should I try my luck ? I've gotten professional women from clubs before, but I was a lot younger so I didn't care as much.
B. As of now I'm at a all time low, no skills, crappy job experience, crappy jobs will only hire me. Right now I'm going back to school, while most importantly I'm learning everything I can on the side to get ways to make money while I'm in college. I plan on getting whatever job I can that pays decent to pay the bills, then use the money into courses as well as teach myself skills to make money online before I'm done with college.
So in the mean time, what women can I get? I'm so lost right now because I feel that I can't get any women because of my financial situation, I'm in a lot of debt with nothing but poor job offers, even people younger than me have more professional jobs, so I feel like I can't really get any girls.
So I'll try to avoid professional women for now, but what women can I get? Most women I see have somewhat professional jobs, while I only get offered shitty jobs. So I feel like I have no chance with any woman, plus the younger college girls will also look at me funny because I don't have a decent job, they will assume that I would have at least a decent job.
So do I ignore the negative thoughts and still approach girls? What girls would be best in my current situation?
How can I still sleep with many women while I level up and work on myself?
C. Leveling up, just wanted clarification. When you said that did you mean money ? Or skills with women? Or both?
2. I have many moments where I felt like I fucked up in life and should just quit. I felt like I missed my chance at doing anything with my life and I have to accept it. More or less my opportunities, ranging from playing in the NBA, being a rapper, sleeping with girls that were easy when money didn't matter like high school. I can't even get a decent degree because of math, I feel like I fucked up.
Now I'm older and money matters now, I'm too old for the NBA. My thoughts have been "you fucked up and missed your chances, you might as well give up and not go on any further, you fucked up, it's too late."
I don't know if it's depression or what, but what should I do with these thoughts?
3. How can I not be average? I don't want to be the normal average person.
How to Not Be Average
What women do you see dating other men in similar positions to yours?
Read this article, and skip down to the section titled "If You’re Not a Professional, What Do You Do?"
Girls in your classes are the most likely bets. Service industry women should of course be well within reach too. Upgrade your fundamentals and you'll expand the pool of available women, too.
If you have a lot of negative thoughts, you need to start with basics and build up.
Start by walking up just to talk to women. "Hey" "Hello" "How's your day going." Get to the point where you can have simple friendly conversations with women. Once you are getting good responses here, gradually introduce a little more flirtation. Once you get good responses there, gradually introduce more dating tech - get compliance, move women around, escalate the courtship further, take numbers, get dates. Start at the easiest levels you can get positive feedback at, then move up.
Top 7 Easiest Ways to Get Laid & Raise Your Notch Count
Either or or both. Both ideally -- there's no substitute for having both. But if you can get just one in excellent shape, you'll be in much better shape than a lot of guys.
Get busy working on stuff that will improve your future, and thoughts of the past become irrelevant. Whatever the stuff you're working on must produce small gains so you can feel/measure improvement. Things like working out, learning some new skill, doing freelance work where you gradually gain more hours/raise your rate, getting girls, etc.
If you're not improving for the future or enjoying the now, you'll be reminiscing about the past.
By being exceptional:
12 Things Every Man Should Have Handled by Age 35
Making Bachelor life Normal
I was thinking to myself about this just now.
How can I achieve my goals and make it look normal?
Do you think it's possible for a rookie to sleep with 100+ girls the good old fashion way as an older guy? ( I say old fashion way because I know you had an article about 7 ways to get a lot of lays, but I want to still master pick up enough to sleep with 100+ women the good old fashioned way)
I just sit back and get paranoid and get anxiety about continuing a path to reach this level with women. People around me are already settling down and I know this will take a while for me to get where I want.
I actually feel bad and guilty about this, I feel I should be over this hump and start working on grown up things instead of trying to act young getting pussy. I know that isn't what it is really, but I feel that way when I see others in their settled lives.
I'm also worried about being super old and not having sons. I remember you saying that women look at men funny when they don't have kids or have been married by a certain age, and must have a good reason for it. What would my reason be? I don't even know what go say? Plus I Don't want to be 40+ with no son.
I also have to deal with getting a career and ways to make a lot of money, I have a lot on my plate.
I know you've helped older guys with women, but most of them had great careers, they just needed women.
I need women and a career! So I'm stressing hard.
How can I continue my path of bachelorhood to 100+ women, while I get my career as an older man, and have it look as normal as possible?
I could never imagine an older man living like a young dude fuckin so many girls while also trying to find a career.
But I know it can be possible, just wanted to know your opinion.
Seeming Normal When You're Doing Something Less Usual
Making things look normal is 95% fundamentals + Law of Least Effort.
You can make all kinds of things people aren't used to seeing look like not a big deal if you make yourself a very attractive individual and are cool/effortless in how you do things. Think the cool older guy dating yet another beautiful young girl but he's chill about it, not bragging, just being a totally normal dude with you and everyone else at the party.
On the other hand, bad fundamentals + not following the LLE can make even normal things look strange. Think a homeless person walking through a supermarket inspecting fruit in a weird and dramatic way. Poor fundamentals + LLE violations = everybody's freaked out.
Get your fundamentals handled, mind the Law of Least Effort, and things that look unusual to most people can seem acceptable. (there are limits of course... if you're walking around with sheep intestines dangling about your neck, for instance, no matter how good your fundamentals and how chill you are, it'll still be weird. But within the realm of relative acceptability, fundamentals and LLE make the difference)
How To Obtain This Power You Speak Of
1. So I got back reading on the forums and you mentioned becoming a man that's powerful, knows how to beat the system, how to go more into a favorable system, and how to escape.
I think some of what you wrote was in your fra article, but if cetain parts aren't, how do black men specifically do these things to beat the system?
2. And as for power, you mentioned about having so much power you don't have to, and shouldn't depend on powerful people. You mention becoming so powerful you're in control at all times.
That sounds like something I don't remember reading on here.
How would one achieve this power? I'm mostly talking about black men here because you know how it is.
I was thinking about becoming a millionaire entertainer, but as you can see, many black people have still went through shit, no matter how much money and fame they had.
So is it possible for a black man to obtain this power you speak of? How can one do that ?
3. After hearing about that guys story on the forums (hope the best for him). It makes me really want to stay away from dating, and he's white, I couldn't imagine a black guy.
I don't want to live my life in fear, but actually reading all that is so depressing and fearful, especially since he is am member of the site.
I know I should live my life in fear, but stuff like that makes it hard.
You have any tips on not letting this stop me from sleeping and improving with many women?
Safety and Power
I can't speak directly to a black man's experience, since I am not a black man.
However, I can tell you as a racial minority (having spent a lot of time in non-white countries), the rules I follow are to always be respectful, mind the local customs and try to adopt as many of them as possible myself, and to be firm in the ways that locals are firm and extremely mindful of behaviors that make me look like an outsider who doesn't "get it". I never let myself forget that it is somebody else's system I am in, not mine, and that I am (very visibly) an outsider there.
I keep the same mentality in white countries that are not the United States, and in non-white parts of American cities. These are not my countries or communities; so long as I play by the rules there, I can be accepted and comfortable and have a good time. If I don't though, then like T-cells converging on a foreign body I'm going to have a bad time.
Hmm, well, it's somewhat tangential to the main purpose of the site. But not totally. I'll added it to the articles queue. Although it's a massive, massive article in its own right, unless we're just doing a high level overview.
Stay away from high risk women; mind all the tips discussed in my article on false rape accusations.
Beyond that, you've just got to let it go. If you walk down the street perpetually afraid a car will jump the curb and sandwich you between the nearest building, you'll never be able to walk down the street. It does happen; you can protect yourself against it as much as possible by not walking too close to the road, and by staying alert. But you can never 100% protect against it. So you can either be a recluse who never goes outdoors, or you can just deal with it.
Don't read too much manosphere stuff. Worth reading about to be aware of the dangers, but not so much you get an overinflated sense of danger.
As a black man, if you want to be safer, it might be wisest to avoid white women, as they're responsible for 90% of FRAs filed against black men. To my knowledge, it is primarily white women and women in white women's spheres (i.e., minority women who are firmly a part of mainstream white American progressive culture) who do the false rape thing; I don't get the impression there are very many non-academic black women strolling into the police station to accuse a man of a rape he did not commit.
Leave a Comment