Actors vs. Bonders: Girls Who Focus on Appearances | Girls Chase

Actors vs. Bonders: Girls Who Focus on Appearances

Chase Amante

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Chase Amante's picture

appearance focused girls
Some girls focus on appearance above all. Others focus on bonding. Which girl you pick makes a big difference on the relationship you enjoy.

One friend of mine had a girlfriend who attached herself to him when his career was strong, his reputation was great, and his money was solid... only for her to leave when he lost his career, his income took a big hit, and his self-confidence became shaken. A little while later, once everything was back in order and he was doing great again, the girl came back.

Another friend of mine had a girl he’d slept with (among many others) whom he contacted later on, only for her to threaten to “call some big guys” to come mess him up if he contacted her again. This was after a smear campaign against him to ruin him socially turned friends of his against him (while others stayed loyal to him and fought the rumors). The girl in question was obviously one of those swayed, and flipped from major fan of his to throwing him under the bus without hesitation.

Two different friends, with two different girls, in two different situations. Both had one thing in common though, and that one thing was the same thing I see guys who get burned by flashy foreign brides or sexy bombshell girlfriends or any kind of girl remotely like this: they picked the appearance-focused girl instead of the connection-focused one.

Comments

Mr. Shark's picture

Hi, Chase
quick question, before I forget it, what would you say is the ratio of bonders and actors in the west? Also among the groups you linked me (thank you) in one of my comments, like professional women, club queens, etc. I suspect club queens are actors, just like professional women, while shy girls are more of a bonder type.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Mr. Shark-

Oh man, that's just... Impossible to say.

For one thing, our experiences are highly influenced by what we screen for. So if you prefer actors, you're going to tend to attract more of them, and repel more of the bonders. Or vice versa.

However, I'd guess actors are somewhere between 10% to 25% of the population, and bonders the rest. Couldn't get more precise than that, I'm afraid. I suspect the cities lean more heavily actor, since actors tend to move places they can have an audience. So if you're in a city, it might skew higher than the overall population does. Just rough guesses here, really, and it seems to vary a lot from place to place.

Chase

MBV's picture

Chase your a smart guy, but's lets be real here. It's obvious to any non masochistic person that the bonders are the better total package. They are better in every way, most of the time even in natural beauty. So when you make arguments like actors are better if your into challenges and blah blah blah, I laugh out loud. The only time that challenges are better is if they are worth the extra effort,and we both know that the actors are not worth that extra effort. You don't need to make excuses for actors, or feminists, or other groups of women that are no good for men. Your readers are mostly men and we appreciate the traps you help us to avoid.This is where the manosphere gets it right,for the most part they tell it like it is. The only problem with the manosphere is that some of them are bitter towards women as you have pointed out. I think there is a middle ground mentality that men should have,where they love women that treat them well, but don't put up with any shit from women who cause them problems, and are absolutely fierce when it comes to separating the wheat from the chaff.I don't think that a man should have to be tolerant or accept rude or aloof behavior from women at any time(because it's simply not worth it). My friends who are naturals are this way, they are emotional and flirtatious with women,but as soon as they sense the woman is acting disingenuous they cut all contact with them, sometimes in a very harsh tone. I've learned from my natural friends that some of the mentalities on girls chase are misguided. I try to implement a hybrid game that incorporates some girls chase teachings and what Ive learned from naturals and i've found that to be the sweet spot for me.

Don't get me wrong, I really respect your ability to break down and explain concepts that my natural friends could never in a million years articulate. And it probably means that from an intellectual stand point you have a better understanding of women then the naturals. However,I just think that the naturals have more personal happiness and a better quality of life then the pure pick up artists. Your thoughts? And who has your vote for president ?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

MBV-

My goal in writing articles is to give guys who want it the information, advise them on what to expect, then let them make their own choices. It is not my place to tell men whom to date and whom not to; not only will guys who don't want to listen to this not listen to this, but I'll build an echo chamber in the process, where a bunch of guys with the same opinion all sit around in a big circle jerk and all validate one another for making the same choice.

Any time you start to throw around words like 'better', you're forced to qualify your answer. For instance, are bonders the 'better' choice for men with these relationship objectives?:

  • Girlfriend is awesome arm candy
  • Girlfriend is great at networking and socializing
  • Girlfriend is exciting and keeps me fascinated
  • Girlfriend helps me with my fashion and appearance

These may not be your standards (and likely aren't, from the sound of it), but there are men (a lot of men) who have one or more of these as their topmost standards. For them, actors really are 'better' girlfriends.

I'll give you an anecdote. Personally, I'm in the same camp as you - 'bonders are better'. I used to try to help my friends, many of whom are in the 'actors are better' camp, steer themselves toward bonder girlfriends. I couldn't understand why these guys kept dumping bonder girlfriends and laughing about how boring they were, then going for these actor girlfriends who took them through these emotional roller coasters. I know I certainly don't want an emotional roller coaster relationship - but these guys can't live without it. Bonders will never be better for them... They're just too tame. They need actors.

You can feel like these guys are 'wrong' or 'dumb' or 'idiots' or 'short-sighted'. But they like what they like, and want what they want - just like you do. I could've picked either side ("Actors are better" or "Bonders are better") and had guys agreeing with me in the comments section, and other guys disagreeing with me. Life isn't a college exam - there is no one right answer for everyone. Might make things simpler if there was! But a whole lot less interesting.

If we were sitting around having drinks and you were a student of mine who wanted to date actors, I'd probably say, "Dude... don't date those girls. They'll ruin your life. Hook up with them, okay, sure... but get a bonder girlfriend. She'll be way better for you, dude." And you'd say yeah, maybe, and then go date actors anyway. And then complain to me later about how she cheated or lied to you or what have you. And then you'd break up with her and date another actor. Or maybe you'll tell me you're dating a bonder now, but I'll meet her and realize immediately she's an actor. This is just how it goes with people. All you can do is give them the tools to do what they want, then let them go. Training vs. a person's raw material - not everyone's got the same inclinations / dispositions on the inside.

As for mentalities - good. Few people are going to find the stuff on this site is 100% a match for them. As you get more advanced, the path is to start sifting through the material you come across, find what gels with you, and discard the stuff that doesn't. Naturals are the best teachers, so if you have natural friends who get results you want, and their advice conflicts with mine or another author's, but their advice works better for you than something from here, that's what you ought to be using (and can help you develop your own unique style).

Personal happiness / quality of life - yeah, probably. Most of the best pick up artists have personality disorders... often pretty extreme ones, like bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder. Naturals are usually just Machiavellian sociopaths (talking the 'true' naturals here - the ones with 200 or 300+ notch counts. There are plenty of charming guys who've bedded 30 girls who aren't sociopaths who get considered 'naturals' by guys who haven't met the outlier guys, but those aren't guys I'd label naturals personally). The research on happiness shows that the happiest people are those who 'take' rather than those who 'give', which would lead one to suspect naturals are happier. I never see naturals have the depressive crashes almost all of my pick up friends go through regularly. If you have to learn this stuff later, and then go on to learn it to a high degree, it usually means there's a problem of some sort.

That said, the guys who aren't trying to be super pick up artists and just want to learn this stuff enough to get a good girlfriend or find a wife (and that's the majority of men who study seduction) tend to mostly be pretty normal guys who maybe want to do a little hooking up, then get on with life. So I'd keep that in perspective too.

As for election preferences, I didn't vote... however, my preferred candidate is now picking out his cabinet:

How to Use Donald Trump-Style Persuasion

Chase

Jimbo's picture

Naturals are usually just Machiavellian sociopaths (talking the 'true' naturals here - the ones with 200 or 300+ notch counts).

Does that mean that women find machievellianism and sociopathy sexy?

Jimbo's picture

I'd add to what Chase said that Actors tend to just be plain hotter. And for many guys that trait trumps all else. In that sense they find them "better." It's not always a wise choice, but hey, our instincts often get the better of us.

Chandler Bing's picture

Hey Chase,

Great article, you have these details & stuff I've never seen.

So as I'm going thru my own emotional issues, I've seen that I am at heart someone who is more emotional, likes to bond & connect - a Bonder - but around people, I am an Actor myself - someone's who conscious of how he appears to others very often. It's draining & lame, tho can help in certain areas.

But there's time when I let go, when my emotions are out - up, down, awkwardness, whatever, etc. That's when I feel most free, most myself, and happiest - not to mention most confident in myself.

Don't you think Actors are just that - acting, so not wanting others to see who they really are. It's kind of a personality hiccup in a sense? It is for me.

Do you know how one would change from an Actor to a Bonder? Would it just be stopping emotional suppression & feel whatever one is feeling. Caz then if you're not hiding your emotions, you're not hiding who you are in that moment?

I've reached a point where I no longer care to focus on how I appear caz my need to control too much is costing me much more than helping me, in life, w/ girls, etc.

Also this reinforces how much I love bonding girls. They're so emotionally free. Even when they're mad, or awkward, or attracted, or nervous, whatever, it's cute caz it's genuine.

Thanks man, always appreciate the time you to take to read and respond to my comments/ questions

- Chandler Bing

Chandler Bing's picture

Also I think girls/people who always monitor how they look/how they appear to others is because they're afraid to be who they really are/for people to "see the real them" caz they're afraid people won't want them for who they really are/think poorer of them, status & reputation down, etc., so they act.

If a girl is more naturally beautiful, she's more likely to felt wanted for who she is more more of her life & doesn't need to put up a front, she can be herself & people love her.

Also in my opinion/from my experience as an actor, even tho it's a combination of factors likely, for the girl who is an Actor and how it's more of an act and she is hiding parts of herself, she (subconsciously or consciously) in some way attributes a guy's affection, acceptance & love to the act she puts on & not for who she really is & that difference of it's not for who she really is makes her feel less loved, in love, etc. than the girl who is accepted & loved while being herself and thus the actor girl feels less strong emotions, less in love to that specific guy & so she's more likely to leave easily, since she (deeper down) doesn't feel as connected caz this guy doesn't know who she really is as much.

Acting is ironic. From my experience & a combo of my theory, aside from reputation/people thinking of them, is that these kinds of girl act to be wanted/desirable/accepted but the mere act of acting makes that feeling of wanted/desirable/accepted diluted & less meaningful when they're with people.

It stems from an insecurity, trying to be an image/someone who they think should be rather than who they are, to prove something, to be something else, etc.

It's a sometimes necessary but a demanding & overall long-term unfulfilling strategy. It's part of why I am working to change off acting.

Also out of curiosity, what percentage of women would you say are actors v bonders in your experience?

Lots of factors here, but i'm going to guess more bonders in the suburbs (where I live). Suburbs are an unsexy place to live haha but lots of naturally cute girls who are in touch w/ their femininity which is nice

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Chandler-

Yes, in my experience (and some actors may take issue with this) actors are usually putting on a front out of fear that their real self is insufficient. At least for garnering attention, it probably is - actors get a lot more attention than bonders do. So this is not necessarily an incorrect read.

The best way to get away from being an actor is to cultivate an attractive genuine personality, where you have trained up your social skills and honed your image enough that you really can 'be yourself' and it's captivating. This is definitely doable (and I can tell you I spent plenty of time feeling like an actor in the past, but almost never feel that way anymore), but it takes time and conditioning.

A good starting point might be Hector's 'genuine man' series, if you haven't read it yet:

Ricardus's X-factor series is another recommended one:

Chase

LoverBoy's picture

Hi Chase, what's going good man, so sorta on the topic of bonders, but not really haha, I couldn't find any GC articles about conversing with women in relationships.

What do you talk about with girls when you are in a relationship with them/after initial deep diving, just as time goes on? I kind of struggle w/ this because I didn't have many friends growing up so I don't know much about "normal socializing."

Do you keep that deeper connection going or just rechannel it every once in a while? Could you write an article on conversation w/ women in relationships?

Also would you have any new conversation material to write articles on?

Your articles have gone deeper lately, and I was wondering if you've learned even deeper conversation stuff.

I've read all of your conversation/bonding ones so far, tho most are a bit older - LoverBoy

Author
Chase Amante's picture

LoverBoy-

Just general stuff - how'd your day go, etc. You might tell her about something interesting you learned, or she'll tell you something interesting she did. Once you figure out mutual interests, you can talk about those - e.g., if you read this site, probably safe to say you like psychology... Most girls are armchair psychology students themselves. So you can discuss this topic with them as well.

Personally, I tend to date more talkative girls, since I'm not someone with a large need to stir up conversation myself. When I date quiet girls, they don't talk and I don't talk and there's really not much more for us to do than shag. So those relationships tend not to hold me long.

It might be the case if you're running out of things to talk about with a girlfriend that you need a more talkative girlfriend. Or you may just need to get more comfortable simply being alone with a girl and not talking all the time.

I'll put this into the article queue though. I can probably go deeper into the topic.

New conversation tech... I'd have to think about it. Much of my new-ish conversation tech I reserved for the new course. However, there's probably some stuff I didn't talk about there that I can write articles on. I'll have a look at my interactions and see if there's something I can pick out to detail that I haven't gone into much before. I did just publish the "don't explain yourself" article earlier, with a bunch of conversation examples in that one:

Tactics Tuesdays: Never Explain Yourself (to Women)

Chase

WT 's picture

How about opening myself up to a girl and trusting her? As a guy, can I open up and share deeper things about myself with women without it being weakness?

i'm age 20 and not to be overly romantic but I want someone to be close to because I've felt alone my whole life (no real parents and no real friends that i could be open with) I feel I can socialize normally and feel i'm good with understanding feelings, but i have never been able to open up to anyone or trust anyone else so far in my life.

my job involves no people really so i have no real opportunities to meet people except when I'm out around town, I see different kinds of cute girls and I can feel attraction vibe between us, and sex would be nice, but right now, I feel I want someone to trust. But I also feel that if I open up to girls, girls become unattracted because it's weakness and they will just leave?

making close relationships with guys can feel weirder. Maybe it's just where I am located. here, i feel guys are more unreal-emotionally aloof. the girls I see that I like, I feel are more genuine and emotionally visible, just as you described in this article as bonders and that draws me to them too. I really like how real they are.

what should i do?

I feel if i couldn't be in a sexual relationship with a girl and open up to be known, i feel I'd rather just be friends with a girl and develop a close bond so I could trust someone in life. Or do girls not even like guys who are their friends to open up? but i feel that leads to another problem where these girls are interested in meeting me because they feel attracted.

normally I'd feel i should just try it out & see what happens, but I feel fear of being rejected in opening up to anyone and trusting someone, but I want to push this fear. The attraction part with girls makes the situation more confusing for me because I don't know how women would react.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

WT-

Well... Hmm. Yeah. When I was 20, I desperately wanted to have some relationship with a girl where I just told her everything about me and she just fell even more deeply in love with me because of it and it was just magical. It was this fantasy I'd have - some girl would press me for details, and finally I would just open up and tell her everything and... fireworks.

That was mostly because, like you, I'd felt alone my whole life. No one I could really open up to and feel understood by.

When I had my first girlfriend, after a few months I essentially did this, just went full confessional on her. I was super open and emotional, but also super masculine and firm, so it probably wasn't as bad as it could've been (if I'd been a wet dishrag or anything). Anyway, this probably made the relationship a lot rockier than it otherwise would've been, but it also sucked her in a lot.

The thing with bombing someone with your emotional stuff is if it doesn't scare them off, it will draw them in a lot closer because they feel like you're just trusting them completely. However you need to offset any weaknesses you expose with strength of character. So long as you have this, you're all right.

These days I specifically do not open up too much to girlfriends, or at least not in any hurry (and to a certain extent never at all), because I don't want them getting as emotionally involved... Too easy to hurt them that way.

So, I'd say: it's possible to do. It makes the relationship more emotional and more volatile, but you probably need to get it out of your system (I know I did), so go ahead and do it. But when you get older you likely won't feel so much need to do this, at least not once you've already done it with a girlfriend or two.

Chase

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