How to Kickstart Behavior Change in Girlfriends or Lovers

So you want to modify a girlfriend’s behavior. Yet if you come out and say, “I want you to change,” you’ll offend. You must employ subtler means.

I was talking with my best friend the other day. He’s married but still occasionally reads Girls Chase. Plus, we talk all the time, so he’s bound to hear about girls and then talk about them.

One of his particular interests in relationship management right now is using social media to change the behavior of one’s girlfriend or wife.

We’ve discussed operant conditioning with relationships before. Encourage and reward what behavior you like; ignore the behavior you don’t.

But what we haven’t discussed too much is how to get the ball rolling with operant conditioning – how do you show her what you want her to do?

After a long talk on the phone with my buddy, we came up with a good system for guys in relationships to follow.

Behavior Modification: Start Conservative

You don’t want to make her feel bad. I once did this with a former girlfriend. She was in decent shape but wanted to get more fit, and she would often send me messages saying she worked out. Once, when she texted me that she had lost five pounds, I congratulated her and responded, “That’s awesome, baby! You’re doing great! Keep it up and you’ll do even better!”

She immediately texted back, “Wait, what do you mean better? Are you saying I’m fat?”

Cue female outrage, including a consensus with her friends that my text was rude and hurtful.

Whether it’s weight loss, wardrobe changes, or a threesome, whatever you want from your girl, the change will happen slowly. Like with all things, there will be resistance. Avoid as much of it as possible by pacing appropriately.

This means:

• Don’t demand that she make the improvement immediately

• Don’t have huge, immediate expectations of how far she should go

• Don’t come with it out of nowhere (try to give it some context)

Start Small and Positive

Be a little racier than usual and frame it as something you would like her to do, not as something she should do because you don’t like what she’s currently doing.

Making her insecure does work, but there will be resistance and you might breed some resentment. It is better than not asking a girl to improve, however. Always take hate over indifference.

What About Context?

What’s great about Instagram or Facebook is that you can share things with girls without any context, and it’s considered normal.

Think about it – what’s weirder, you sending her a random text that reads “Hey, I think it would be really hot if we had a threesome” or sending her a meme with two hot girls rolling over a man and captioned with “Cheating is so outdated. Fuck the bitch together!”

The former might be more dominant, but inelegant dominance doesn’t always work. It sounds good on paper – “Just be a man and say it” – but again, while it’s better than not saying anything, there are more efficient means of getting what you want.

If you want her to change her hairstyle, send her a picture of a cute girl with a look you like, and say “This would look so hot on you, baby.”

If you really like an outfit for her, send a picture of it and say “Fuck, you’d look so sexy in this.”

What’s Wrong with Asking?

Asking is weak – for two reasons:

1. You’re not certain enough in your desires to want it. She’s your girlfriend. You should be the most important thing in her life. No exceptions. A man needs a passion beyond women, but a woman’s highest calling should be her man and her child(ren) with that man.

2. She has no incentive to do it. She’s already your girlfriend and has everything she wants from you. Unless she feels like you’ll get it elsewhere if she won’t give it to you, or unless you make her think it’ll make you love her more if she does it (i.e., you seduce her into it), she won’t acquiesce. These really are the only two options besides demanding it of her, and demands, when done right, are predicated on the threat that you will leave if they’re not complied with. This belief is always necessary with women. If they think they’re irreplaceable, they’ll act like it, and you don’t want a woman getting cocky. They’re not good with power.

“Would you mind eating a little less carbs?”

How About the Hard Stuff?

For an illustration of how this works, let’s cover three “harder” things to get from a girlfriend.

Threesomes

Nearly 5 years ago with my ex-girlfriend, I knew she had a few threesomes already but only came sort of close with this one sorority sister of hers. They fooled around while we had sex, but I didn’t do anything with the sister (I was pathetic back then). But after we broke up, got back together, and I dumped her, I was one-up in the relationship dynamic. When we started casually having sex six months after I’d dumped her, I suggested we have a threesome. She immediately got one of her friends to come visit me with her, and we had a 4-day sex romp together. Why? Because she wanted a relationship out of me and knew this was a way to make me love her. She had an incentive to give me the threesome.

My buddy took a different route; he started small. He seeded the idea of a threesome in his wife’s head by casually asking her if she’d ever been interested in doing it. She expressed interest but also hesitations, like the fear that he would fall in love with the other girl (this was her only real concern, by the way; women don’t care if you bang the entire world as long as she’s your main girl). To alleviate this concern, he stayed with her and continued to be a loving, strong husband, strengthening their marriage. This wasn’t something that was divorce-worthy, so she never made it too big of a deal. Then he escalated it to the level of sexual preferences.

He would talk dirty to her in bed about sex with other women. Eventually, she would talk dirty back to him and turn him on during sex by telling him how hot it would be if he was instead screwing another girl. Most recently, he said they should have a threesome with her best friend, and she said with a shrug, “I’d be cool with that.” He’s probably not far from getting it.

I got my threesome because my ex-girlfriend thought she would please me and get a relationship by giving it to me. And it worked – we got more romantic and almost dated again. After this threesome, however, she didn’t want to invite any more women into the bed with us. She thought she’d done enough to get in my good graces.

The other method, the one my friend used, is to transform his desire into her desire.

Both are effective methods. The latter sometimes takes longer if she is more conservative, but it’s a more permanent solution. Once they do it, he can probably do it again and again.

The quid-pro-quo angle usually loses its bite once she gets what she wants.

See also: “How to Have Threesomes with Your Girlfriend”

Fitness

This one is tricky but also simpler. You want her to be more attractive. My friend encourages his wife to do squats, as he likes big asses. It works – her ass is monstrous now. He did this by sharing squat memes with her on Instagram and Pinterest and by providing constant positive reinforcement with compliments on how amazing her ass was getting.

Don’t make the same mistake I did with my ex-girlfriend and point out that she should get better. If you compliment women on something or reward a behavior implicitly by treating them well (e.g., ripping her pussy apart after she comes home with a sexy new haircut), they’re going to keep doing it.

Amateur Porn Videos

I love making porn videos with lovers. Some girls are keen at the outset, others take convincing. One particular girl was a bit hesitant at first, but when I showed her videos of me with another girl, she immediately said, “Okay, now I want to make some with you.” One, there was preselection; some other girl had already made videos with me. Two, it turned her on to see me banging another girl, and she said watching them made her imagine herself in the video.

“If she can do it, so can I!”

To put it another way, she wanted to be my co-star to stay competitive (i.e., “Okay, the other women he’s dating are doing it, so to keep up, I have to do it, too.”), and it also became a turn-on. A good point of departure might be watching porn with your girl while you two fool around, especially amateur porn featuring couples. This reinforces “videos of people having sex” with “you two having sex.”

If You Face Resistance

Don’t get impatient or push for it too hard. If you do, she’s going to assume this is a life-or-death impasse for the relationship. She will think that if she doesn’t do this, you’re done with her.

She will test you as if this is true. If you pass, you’ll probably get it. But if you fail, she’ll think “Well, when it comes down to his biggest desires, he’s not willing to sacrifice me to attain them. He’s a pussy.” And she’ll lose respect for you.

If you start sending her squat memes, and she gives you something like “What? Do you not like my ass how it is?!” you want to reassure her that you do, and that’s why you want her to do squats. Focus on how it makes you happy. Like with everything, it’s a test.

She wants to know that you really mean it. Treat her like she’s being silly. Slap her ass, pinch her nose, give her a bear hug. If she gets legitimately upset, then console her. She is your girlfriend, after all; you don’t have to be a total dickhead (only slightly).

You Should Be Improving, and So Should She

A lot of guys get mad that we men need to push harder in the self-improvement area to get laid. They think women have it too easy. Other than not realizing that men and women compete in completely different arenas, these guys don’t stop to think about how much women do improve themselves. On a recent date with a chick who had just become single after a two-year relationship, she told me she’s going to start working out a lot and looking better.

“Gotta look good now that you’re single, huh?”

“Of course!”

The best women are always improving themselves for the men they want. They’re spending hundreds of dollars on makeup, hair extensions, plastic surgery, gym memberships, etc. Women compete for men – a lot. They’re vicious about it, too.

Why not keep that self-improvement train going once you’re in the relationship? If you think sitting around in sweat pants every weekend and eating pizza together is a good relationship, you need to think bigger.

I’m not saying that isn’t fun every once in a while, but that’s also a damn good way for you to get lazy. Your girl should want to impress you with new outfits, new personal records for squats, and maybe even another girl (or two) to join you in your bed.

The only reason you’re not getting girls to do this for you is because you’re not trying. But once you do hold women to these standards, and once you know how to persuade them into following your standards, you’ll get girls to do things you never thought they’d want to do.

And if they don’t? Well, there’s a cute blonde sitting over there….

Hector