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To succeed socially, you must make people feel included. But there's a catch: people most want to be included by those they see as EXCLUSIVE.
One of the best feelings in the world is to feel like you are included in an exclusive group.
Humans by nature want to join groups. More specifically, they want to join valuable groups, that they benefit by being members of. One of the primary ways humans determine the value of a group is by how exclusive it is.
Just think of that old Groucho Marx quote:
"I refuse to join any club that would have me."
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It's funny, because the humor is self-deprecating ("any club that finds me acceptable as a member can't be a club worth joining"). But it also highlights a subtle truth: the value of the club hinges on how exclusive it is.
Nobody feels good about his inclusion in a broadly inclusive group. People want to be included into exclusive things.
This simple truth has a great deal of weight for your social and romantic interactions, too... because excellence with other people often comes down to how included you make them feel, in your own personal exclusive club.
Comments
Great post, has been bothering me a lot, trying to understand.
I can so relate to this post Chase, it really hit me back in college as I realized that the hottest girls ran in the most exclusive groups. Seeing pictures on social media of them at sorority formals with a select set of guys and then realizing I was not one in that crew bit at me for a very long time and made me miserable. In many ways I'd say it i the main thing that is frustrating me right now in life as someone in his 20s out of college, learning how to play that game and get into those kinds of circles.
On one hand they say build it and they will come but I almost feel that is tougher to get a handle of this sort of a dynamic once you are outside of a high school or college environment. It is less clear what groups the hottest girls are running in and how to be a part of those groups.
Exclusive Cliques in the Grown-Up/Post-University World
Risen-
The kind of exclusive cliques you are looking for pretty much only occur in a few scenarios:
It's also worth noting that most people will not bother to maintain the kind of extra exclusive cliques you saw in school unless they have the time to invest in the heavy amount of socializing required to maintain these groups. Kids have a lot more free time to do this in high school and university; once they graduate, many of the cliquey exclusive girls and guys are too busy with their jobs to worry about maintaining the same level of cliquey exclusivity.
Instead what you get after school are different people doing exclusive cliques: socialites/children of the wealthy who don't have to work much/at all, and can spend money going to high end/exclusive clubs and parties to see and be seen; nightlife industry workers, whose jobs double as cliques and allow them to construct an air of exclusivity the mroe casual nightlife goers (all those people with 9-to-5s, who only make it to the clubs once or twice a week) must grovel to hope to be a part of; guys who struck it rich with a lucky business or investment win and now get to enjoy leisure and vacation, along with girls who decide to pursue those guys and gold dig as their sole way to sustain themselves.
You'll get cliques in some workplaces too, although not every workplace will have enough people in the same age range to make this viable.
But basically, if you're looking for the high school/university experience of joining an exclusive clique post-graduation, you will be looking at joining one of these three cliques:
These are where the air of exclusivity gets constructed in the world of grown-ups (rather than jocks/cheerleaders and frats/sororities, like it is in school).
There are also the "exclusive for that small town / that workplace / that hobby" cliques.
Like, the clique in your salsa dance class, where the best dancers and a few random hot girls all hang out together and exclude everyone else. Or the clique in your office where the five cool young people are always going to lunch or happy hours with each other but rarely/never invite their workmates. Etc.
Chase
Maybe I am bitter, perhaps that is why it matters.
Call it a revenge fantasy but as someone who missed out on being a part of the exclusive Greek Life crew, I am almost a bit driven to have my redemption honestly for the rest of my life. Some will say those kids don't care anymore but I think even if she becomes a housewife, your typical sorority broad will always hunger for that social status even well past school. Having it now versus seeing them decline, to be honest, it is almost beautiful to an extent to see some sorority broads get karma served to them for being bitches back in college.
One would think though that to an extent, the elite would almost become exclusive to some degree in adulthood too right. The rich business people or rich corporate types gathering around one part of the city that the less well to do cannot afford or the boring suburban types cannot thrive in. For example, people in younger and more fun industries will socialize with each other, the people in the cool part of town will socialize with others in a similar situation, etc.
I also wanted to ask since you mentioned nightlife, read your post a while back about the 7 ways to get laid a lot and you mentioned working in nightlife as one of them. Can this be done on top of a 9 to 5 from your experience?
Sorority Girls Post-University; Nightlife Job + Day Job?
Risen-
If it motivates you to get there, I think it's probably good.
I don't there are that many former sorority babes who now lead housewife lives and look on with envy at some girl who used to be uncool, all dolled up now, hooking up with some guy who used to be an outsider, now super cool.
Generally post-university, if a girl was a hot, popular, sorority, girl, she is either going to give that up because it no longer appeals to her (she's done what she needed to with it, and is over it). Or she's going to shift into a post-school role that lets her do even better. e.g., be a pharmaceuticals sales rep, flirt with tons of wealthy, successful doctors, and date whichever ones of those she thinks are the coolest / hunkiest / most promising, etc., all while going to posh, exclusive parties on the weekends.
That said... we all tend to project. So when you feel envious, it can be easiest to imagine others feeling envious. And hard to imagine them just being like happy for you without feeling any envy. If it motivates you, it's good. I've probably had a few things over the years where "they will be so envious / they'll totally regret it" served as a partial driver... when you get there, you realize they don't care, and it was a little silly to have been so fixated on that, but if it helps, it's cool.
Yes, this is what happens.
When you're elite, you don't usually go slumming in the poorer / more middle class parts of town. Non-elite people lead different lives, are different kinds of people, and just think very differently from people who are elite... the thinking / life perspectives are probably the biggest differences, honestly. So they end up trying to insulate themselves, and spend more time around those more similar to themselves.
Sure, it can be. You'll run into a guy doing this now and again. He has a decent 9-to-5 day job, then come nighttime he's also a bartender at one of the city's most popular bars.
That said, it is rare. And since he diverts so much of his focus toward his nightlife job, his day job will tend to suffer (few/no promotions, stagnation, and so on).
Usually what happens is either he will have his fill of nightlife and quit after a few years to focus on his career. Or he will go all in on nightlife, and quit/get fired from his 9-to-5 job, and make nightlife his thing.
Either way, it can be done, but it takes a great deal of effort and sacrifice, and most guys won't do it for more than a few years (opportunity cost is just too high. Also, at some point the guy is usually going to realize he likes one of these things far more, and is kind of "over it" with the other).
Chase
Different experiences perhaps Chase.
I come from this as someone who spent his early 20s in the south after going to college there as well. What I found was that a lot of the former sorority girl types typically moved to big cities and lived that social media princess lifestyle. It did seem like they were far from over it even after graduation and were still chasing that cool kid way of life. One would think that the blonde bombshell types would be over it after their sorority days in college but I find a lot of them are now chasing that same popularity lifestyle through Instagram, traveling, and many other means.
Glad we agree on the social class thing.
As for the bartending gig, I have a tough decision coming up for real. On one hand, I really enjoy my career and I am in the business world. The things I learn benefit me a lot with game and make me better but I am approaching my late 20s soon and I feel like if I do not scratch the nightlife itch, it's going to wreck me mentally moving forward. No matter how much sex I have, I am not fulfilled given that I have not bartended or worked in a nightlife venue, it's almost like I am treating it like a rite of way.
I don't want to do it for life and my career is on the right path, at times I wonder if a sabatical is a time I can do this in. It's not an easy path at all and I am willing to put in the hours, definitely does not seem as doable as you made it sound like in your 7 easiest ways to get laid post....
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