How to Get Your Girlfriend Back: 3 Great Strategies | Girls Chase

How to Get Your Girlfriend Back: 3 Great Strategies

Chase Amante

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A little over a year and a half ago, I wrote an article on here called "The Ultimate Guide on How to Get a Girl Back." It fairly quickly became one of the more popular articles on the site, as getting girls back whose interest you've lost tends to be a common thing a great many men are all trying to figure out.

That piece also led to me getting a relatively constant stream of emails and comments and requests to write the post I'd promised, provided there was enough interest, at the end of it - a post on how to get your girlfriend back.

how to get your girlfriend back

Here's the latest request, from longerjt on the article about using scarcity:

Chase -

So yesterday I layed it out and challenged a girlfriend to get in or out and she slammed me. I said I needed to know where she stood and that I was ready to move on and bam! She said take a hike. Guess I misplayed it.

Hence, can you do the post you promised some time ago, "how to get your girlfriend back" in "how to get a girl back"? I could use it now.

Thanks for the great stuff!

JT

If you've been reading this site a while, you may have thought I was asleep at the wheel, or that I didn't care to address this question. A lot of people have asked about it.

But in fact, over the past 19 months or so, I've probably written a half dozen versions of this article. It's not that it's technically difficult to write... it's that there are certain moral implications in taking a girlfriend back, under certain conditions, that I feel it's important for men to understand, and it's also that I find most men trying to get their ex-girlfriends back are more concerned with what they want than with what their former girlfriends want (and need).

I think I'm in a place now where I can communicate this right.

So today, let's discuss how to get a girlfriend back - and who you need to be and what you need to be willing to do if you're going to pull this off.

It isn't always hard. Plenty of people get back together every day. But I'll be writing this for the hard cases - the ones where she isn't already knocking down your door for another try. So I'll be giving you some stuff that's tried and tested, that I've used myself multiple times, and that I've watched friends and students and mentees use effectively again and again.

But believe you me, if I find out you've used this irresponsibly and hurt some girl by being selfish, I will come to where you live and demolish you.

That out of the way, let's get on with it.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.

GET CHASE’S ONE DATE SYSTEM

Comments

007KP's picture

I have a #1 situation I'm dealing with. Though it has to do with being able to provide, do to my financial situation and the fact that I lost my job twice in one year. She is obviously upset and hurt. I will soon have a good, stable job and turn things around. I have done everything right to this point. I'm pretty sure she'll be back. How do I tell which stage she is in post break-up? What if she is so hard-headed that she does not call, do I call?

Mathew's picture

My girlfriend broke up with me because as she says "I pushed her away" I acknowledge my actions but all I want to do is "Pull her back" she has made a decision to Travel/Work overseas for a 6 month or more.
And wants to be “Best Friend” however I’m finding this incredibly hard because we are talking everyday (Her Calling) and tells me she “loves me to pieces” and realises I’m an amazing guy.
I also said to her that we shouldn’t be friends and she began to cry uncontrollably
I have tried telling her that I want a chance and an opportunity to “pull her back” and have explained to her that I wanted to propose and start a life with her.
She said to me “it’s too little to late”
What can I do

Jake's picture

Long story short, instated seeing a girl. We hit it off very fast and instantly had a few passionate nights.

She returned from seeing her family in socal saying sheshe promised her family shed move back to Socal(6hours from me in Nor cal) within 6 months.

Quick facts:
- she moved to Norcal for a boyfriend and it didn't work
- she finally finiahed any business she had up here
- she was genuinly sorry for starting something with me. She likes me a lot but her family wants her down there and her brother is about to have his first kid and she wants to be there for that.

I understand the danger of moving down to be closer to her but I'm getting ready to transfer for school any way.

Is it morally wrong to try and make her stay by having her fall harder for me? I get that its selfish but I'm OK with being selfish in this circumstance.

If she leaves, I'd consider myself undatable for a few situations. The idea of finding someone who accepts my temporary circumstance, beautiful, and great sex, then losing them sucks. I feel like if not her, then I won't bother trying for 6-12 months which is hard to be OK with.

I sent a text to her explaining that I'd like to continue dating. Worst case scenario we find were not good for each other. Best case scenario we are and I have options to make it work including applying to school down there. I think she's ignoring which is her default mode for dealing with hard situations. I have the urge to to be dramatic, i.e. show up at her house when she gets off of work with flowers and win her back/convince her we could make it work.

Her general demeaner is defeated/sad to have love abd lost

Thoughts?

mike's picture

Was with ex over 13 years have two kids together also bought house toghter over last few years we have just fell into a rut I think, two months ago we had fight and I told her to leave and she did but came back couple days later but with me at still being angry told her to leave again she did
A week later i try to contact but s he just ignored me and then couple day later she text me saying she's dosent love me no more and should separate for the kids sake I rang her up and we agreed to meet up next day to talk it through , at the talk she just bascilly said she dosent love me no more and wants out saying shes had enough .
I said we should give our relationship another try but she was adamant that she has had enough sating she has had enough of the way i talk to her always having a go at her. And criztizing her it has been happening for a while now , now that I can see that I don't mean nothing from it just me and the way I deal with stress
So over the past couple months I been trying to get her back but to no avail at so was wondering where do I ho from here cause I think there still a chance we could get back together do I ask here to married me and say I changed which I have in a way

mike's picture

Is this post still going chase

Anonymous's picture

This might be a though one. But when I was 18 I started using drugs and by the time I meet my ex I had been doing really well (about a year and 6 months sober). when we first started dating I found out her little brother had been using the same drugs I had just gotten off. Anyways about a year into our relationship I relaspt with him and I decided to leave her place (since I had moved in with her) she was so angry with me that even though I tried to be suddle and just try and tall to her to see if we could make it right she told me to "$#@% off". I've done the don't talk to her for 30 days thing and when I did she texted me back saying things like "Don't ask me how your doing, I don't want to know how your life is going. And things that were a lot worse. So what should I do to win her back? I do miss her and I know that she's the one for me. Also I haven't used or have done anything negative like that in about 6 months now (well since we broke up) I have q sponsor and all that so I don't need any advice on how to stay sober. So any advice on how to get a girl back after all that?

Warrior's picture

As always, you impart appreciated wisdom Chase unlike what mainstream media would teach men.

The part about only getting back if you want commitment is very true. I'm starting out and wanted to get back after some time of being away, but I realize I just didn't want to 'lose' the relationship. I was starting to slip into scarce mentality and began to think that I should change stuff I normally want to do to accommodate her better Obviously things would've ended bad.

I thought better though and started reading some articles. Glad you help clear the fog away from some of us guys.

Al's picture

Hi. Thank you for your very details and informative article. I can definitely replate to most of it.

Since you seem to have more experience than I do, I need your advice with my situation..

Both me and my ex are 31 now. She currently lives in Miami and I live in Seattle. We were togethet for 2 years. I met her at a gym while I was visiting Miami for business and we exchanged numbers. We were in a long-distance relationship until I decided to move to Seattle and live together (we lived together for a little over 9 months). We even traveled together for a few times (I was the only person that took her to Europe for the first time in her life).

Anyway, while we were living in Seattle, we webt through a lot of ups and downs, mostly financually and lifestyle-wise (she became super healthy and tried to enforce the change on me, because her dad had cancer and she was worried about my unhealthy lifestyle). Basically, we got into a lot of fights.

Another reason we got into a lot of fights was because she wanted commitment (specially when her sister got married), while I needed some time since I had a new business that I was constantly busy with. She's also an introvert, so she didn't make a lot of friends in a city that she didn't know anyone in. As a result, she missed her family a lot.

One day, she flew back to Miami to attend her sister's wedding and I decided that I cannot go, because of work. She was diaappointed and when she was in Miami she was extremely angert with me because I didn't attend her sister's wedding and that I embarrassed her.

Later, we made up over the phone and I flew to Miami and promised her that I will move to Miami for her, so that we can be closer to her family. Things were fine for a few weeks and we got into a HUGE fight and I ended up breaking up with her on the phone when I flew back to Seattle.

After the break up, she kept calling me none stop to insult me and call me names and curse at me. One day, she also drink called me and thrn texted me the next day and told me to forget everything she said.

Although I was sad and kept missing her, I nevet contacted her for about 6 months. One day, out of no where, she texts me 2 weeks before her birthday saying that she thought about me and she hopes that I'm doing well. I replied and said that I hope she's doing well too. We texted random things to each other. So I tried to call her one day, she didn't answer and I let it go. Then I tried calling her again a couple of days before her birthday and she didn't answer and texted me saying that she got a missed call from me and asked me if everything was ok. I told her that I wanted to catch up and see how she's doing and she texted me that she's in Vegas for her birthday.

All if a sudden after that, she accepts me on Facebook, which was pending for over 5 months.

So I send her flowers to her office for her birthday and she texts me saying that they are beautiful and thanked me. We start talking again but in Facebook Messanger. As soon as I tell her how I felt and that I want to give us a second chance, she starts becoming rude to me and cold all of a sudden. And then she tells me that I took too long and that she's seeing someone and that she's happy now. When I tell her that I'm happy for her, she becomes nice again and thanks me. But I know for a fact that she's not seeing anyone.

After a week for no contact again, I ask her if we can talk on the phone and she says no. I keep trying and she keeps rejecting me. Then I text her that I want to talk to her because I want to make things right and that I want to marry her. I was surprised when she rejected me, specially because she's the one that wanted us to get married when we were together. One day she even texts me that she hopes that I leaned from my miatakes and that I can be a better person in my future relationships. So I get angry and she blocks me everywhere (Facebook, WhatsApp, etc.)

All of a sudden out of no where, she unblocks me everywhere again. Which gave me hope, so I fly to Miami anyway and stay there for a month and a half. Of course I don't go to her work and I don't atalk her.

One of my friends from Seattle calls her while I was in my way to Miami and tells her that I went to Miami. Out of no where, she texts me and starts asking me questions.

Anyway, while she was talking to my friend, she tells him that she still has feelings for me and that she doesn't want us toget back because the break up was very painful and that she doesn't want to rehash the past. Of course he tells me that.

While I'm in Miami, I try to talk to her, but she keeps rejecting me. And then blocks me everywhere again. All of a sudden after I move back to Seattle, she unblocks me only on WhatsApp and texts me. I don't respond to her.

I haven't spoken to her since then. I love her so much and I realize that I've made a mistake, but also confused. Her behavior gives me a lot of mixed signals. What do you think and what should I do?

jeremy Daniel's picture

Hey chase I read everything you had to say and honestly the girl I love sounds something like that I don't want to lose her she's my everything i tried to talk to people for help and they said give up and i don't want to.please I need some help please, do you think you can shot me an email asap please Its really important my gf broke up with me the week before Thursday n I honestly do love her without a doubt

Please help me out

Figuring A Strategy 's picture

Hi Chase, Great articles on dating, relationships, and really helping men be the best they can be in life.

So I read the article on Getting Your Ex GF back, and not sure where our situation falls. It may be a combo of #1 and # 2.

The gist... Met the Ex online in November 2014. We kind of knew each other from years earlier, but never hooked up. Well, we made up for lost time and immediately nose-dived into a hot and steamy affair for a good month. Wow! It was amazing. We things started to cool as she started picking up on some of my bad habits I accumulated from bachelorhood - aka, I was reading your articles and being on top of my game. Basically a pretty fast starting relationship and girl wanting "the promise" got more of a guy being combative about changing his ways, dealing with curbing alcohol intake and some minor (ajor to her) ED stuff, I believe related to the alcohol.

We went along another 3 weeks or so til mid -January. In the meantime, I think her interest dropped some, cause I showed be a little rattled by her calling me out. We fought in late Jan with her saying - I cant keep being blamed for your stuff. I can't just stay out of it, keep my distance, do my own thing, because I'm involved ad well. You expectations of me are absolutely unachievable. Thats why I've said I dont think its fair you and I try to have any type of relationship right now"

I chased her with a long text the next day, and two thoughtful (not too needy) VM's each successive week. Still no reply. So trying to determine the category of breakup to figure out the remedy. My inital thoughts are let her cool a bit more (another 2-4 weeks). Its been 3 weeks now... and see what happens. Worst off, move on and learn from this experience and always stay sharp on my game. In the interim, I've quit drinking for 3 weeks (and continuing), working out, and getting my alpha game back on track.

Your thoughts, insights and suggestions, are much appreciated!

Keep up the great work!
Thanks-
Sean

Anonymous's picture

Chase, great article. I want to ask you for some advice. Here is my situation: I was dating a girl for about a year, and I thought everything was going fine. I was her first love, etc. Our relationship was great. One day, she seemed bothered, so I asked her what was wrong, and we talked via text message. She said that she didn't feel as connected to me as she did before. She was opening up to me and i saw it as an attack, and I responded in an angry way, which led to a big argument. Long story short, what I took from it was we fell into a routine and everything was centered around me (we are both in college), and I didn't open up to her enough. The next day she came over to my house, and I thought we resolved it. In addition, I told her it was a big miscommunication because of the conversation being over text message, and I was sorry for reacting the way that I did. I made it clear that we could start planning things around her and doing more spontaneous/fun stuff. Again, things seemed to be fine. Then one weekend soon after our argument, I planned on taking her out on the town, so we could have a good night, but our plans got cancelled due to an unforeseen circumstance. About a month went by, and we didn't re-plan anything, and I was expecting her to tell me what she wanted to do because I was trying to be more accommodating to her schedule. Then one night she broke up with me. She said it was because she realized that she was trying to change who I was. I was closed off, she saw no change, and wanted to focus on school, but wanted to remain friends and talk here and there. She also emphasized that I do not blow her off. I said that I don't know if I could be just friends with her because our whole relationship we had been significant others and it would be weird. I didn't show very much emotion, and left her house. About a week later, I realized I made a mistake and contacted her to see if she would be willing to go out to dinner with me and hear me out. I made it a point to tell her I had no expectations of her getting back into a relationship with me. She said she wouldn't make any promises, but thought it could be a good thing. Three days later she said dinner wouldn't be a good idea. It would lead to false hope, and we both needed a clean break from each other. I began to plead to her to hear me out, and she responded in a very angrily manner saying: "all I wanted was convenience and lust, our relationship lacked romance and surprise, I was closed off, we barely had any meaningful conversations, and now that she was willing to move on, I decided I wanted to change." I drove to her house unannounced, 45 min away, at 1130 at night, to tell her how I felt. Ultimately, she said she never dated a guy like me, or had a relationship like ours, she's use to being tossed to the side after a relationship, and that me driving to her house made her feel special and is a sign I could be changing. She still turned me down, but said who knows maybe a month from now we could be back together. She said she wanted to be be alone for a while, etc. The way the conversation went, I left thinking that there was still hope. About a week later, I texted her and said I had something fun/spontaneous in mind to do if she wanted to get out of the house. She was indifferent about it. A week and a half later, I left her valentines day stuff (candy, card) when she wasn't home. The card did not have anything to do with love or asking her to take me back; very neutral. Another week and a half went by, and I texted her saying I missed her. I asked her if she felt the same way. She said "I am happy with my decision. I am enjoying my life more. I asked for a separation from you and I haven't gotten it, and I don't foresee my mind changing." I responded by telling her I tried to prove to her that I could change and that I believe people deserve second chances, and that she was one of the most coldhearted and unforgiving people I have ever met. She replied with "I am sorry you feel that way, but I gave you a chance and you are coldhearted because you ignored it and got angry." I replied with: "you gave me a month. that's hardly a chance. Have a nice life." She responded with: "mature." In hindsight, I realized I should have just left her alone after I left her house, and let her have her space. I plan on leaving her alone and not initiating any conversation, but my question is: is all hope of us getting back together completely lost? Am I beating a dead horse? She seems to be very upset with me and is holding a grudge. I am curious to know what you think.

Duncan's picture

Hi, Chase,

First of all, I'd like to thank you for your help, but there is one thing I have to ask.
In the end you said that there will be always be the sense that she left you and you can't be Mr. Right again. Has it to be the case always?
I had a girl who I really really liked, she dumped me, for several reasons (mostly because i wasn't a man, and because i was unexperienced with relationships) and of course I'd like to take her back.
But when you said you'll never be Mr. Right i've become very sad.
I want to be Mr. Right for her again, but this actually kills me inside that you said I can never be.
Are you sure that I don't have a single chance, even if I'm really changing?

Anonymous A's picture

Me and my ex split up 2 months ago. I found messages from Another guy whom she works with on social media and when approaching her she ended it and chucked me out. We have a small daughter together and this woman was and still is the love of my life. On the build up to this she was very distant and didn't seem to want me to be near her. On the initial split up I went into panic mode and chased her telling her what I would change and that this can be fixed.. She told me it wasn't me it was her initially, then she told me that we weren't happy and that was the reason -and then she just got angry whenever we talked.. She was telling me she didn't want to lead me on but we were meeting up for food and talking. She had a few break in attempts while her and my daughter were in the house so one night I went to the house to make sure they were ok. When I got there her and this lad were going upstairs - this devastated me. I approached her about this and she went nuts and called me a stalker etc although I had genuine concerns for the safety of my daughter. Since this point iv seen her each weekend when collecting and dripping off my daughter she tells me she doesn't want anyone or anything else but I know she is on dating websites as she told me. I gave her a note a few weeks ago that explained why I fell for her as she was having a tough time. Last week she unblocked me from a messaging application and started telling me the problems she's had an nothing is going right. I was reassuring and cool and gave her advice. Last weekend upon reflection I apologised for taking her for granted at times and she accepted my apology. She seemed moved explained her were things she wanted to apologise for but didn't know how to word them, she said she wouldn't apologise for what's happened since we ended as they happened for a reason and were right at the time. I asked her if we could rebuild and she said not rebuild but restart she knows I want I sit down and work this out and she said that is too far ahead of her at the moment with managing her life, home, work and children. She told me she loves me and not just because we have a daughter and that she messaged me because she misses me. I have left her to it this week and there has been no communication bar child access. I really adore this woman she is the love of my life and although iv reflected on my bad points she has told me she is a different person as recent events have changed her. My friends say give her time but I'm at a loss of what to do next I know if we got back together it would be perfect as a lack of communication has caused this originally. We were together for 2 and a half years and each time she's messaged previously iv fell into the habit of complimenting her and being nice. My best friend thinks this isn't over - could you please give me some advice and/tips of what I should do next I genuinely love the woman and she has told me she loves me is this retrievable!? HELP!!!!!

Anthony69's picture

Hi Chase,
My case is a little different (and long) as the main reasons were 1 and 3, with 3 a severe back injury and operation causing some of 2 -boredom/lack of excitement,as I was restricted physically.This girl met me when I had a back injury but was still able to have great sex but not able to go out much-she did all the chasing.I'm not the needy or jealous type at all with plenty of girl friends and hundreds of matches on Tinder (not bragging -just painting a picture) anyhow after only about 6 weeks, I severely re-injured by back again and was on my hands and knees.This girl was an absolute angel in hospital every day with me and helping me at home (even though I told her not to) and constantly bringing care packages.Even afterwards she would bring me dinner and cook me meals as I couldn't cook-absolutely melted my heart the stuff she has done for me!

2 weeks after back surgery there was a little argument and she flipped and stormed out she expected me to be instantly better (didn't chase)-things went downhill from here.....

After I re-injured my back I felt guilty and told her she should go out and have fun and if she wanted to go out with other guys (she is 27 I'm 36) that I would understand as I was struggling physically and mentally and I really cared about her and it wasn't fair on her.Kept saying it and I think she got pissed off-I literally wanted her to be happy and I told her that.I couldn't even hug her properly, yet alone sex.

Anyhow we drifted for a few weeks as, I was back and forth to the doctors with complications.One day after talking on the phone in a normal conversation,as I was in as crowded city-she just said 'she wasn't feeling it' and maybe the timing was wrong.She acted kind of cold and aloof.Anyhow I had no problem splitting but the way she did it was shit and so was her attitude and I texted her so.We had a couple of heated texts exchanged.Anyhow I said something I regretted and then thought objectively and wrote her an email-co-incidentally similar to what you had put up.She then apologised and all good-amicable break up and then wished me Happy Birthday, which it was and told me to let her know when I would be home to drop off her key/pick up her stuff.

I told her in a couple of days as I had plans for my birthday for a couple of days-so Thursday.
That comes and she asks to arrange another time to get her stuff-I just said yeh sure you can swing by after work or next time your in the area-just check I'm home and I can bring your stuff down to the no parking area.Then almost 2 1/2 weeks later, texts me to drop off my key.I sent a cheeky message with her nickname -saying Tardy "" I've changed the locks and sent your stuff off to goodwill.... Then half an hour a text telling her yeh I would be home in a couple of hours and I was just messing with her.

Anyhow she rocks up at 5ish (Sat night) -I'm actually getting a lot better physically now and she could see this and she was all over the place - hot and cold.At times arrogant,game playing (trying to make me jealous) and a cold bitch.Other times talking about how she remembered how I made her cum 9times in one night.Asking me to spank her and telling me I'd love to f*ck her again?! She stayed and watched the UFC till 1am and I walked her to her car-went to give her a platonic hug and she turned her shoulder in to me-didn't react... I texted her on the way home and just told her to text me when home-as I always used to do and said it was good "talking to her"and we should catch up for that long overdue burger-she agreed and said nite.

Two days later I got a cute text but I wasn't impressed by her behaviour, so I sent a pleasant text reply but also mentioned her behaviour and said it was a 'one time pass' with her and hopefully she had it out of her system as it wasn't the girl I knew and to have a nice day:)

Anyhow, a couple of days later I get another funny text(sexual one) I didn't respond until the next day.Then a couple of short texts exchanged about how I didn't quite get it as I was 'tired'.She then says 'I'm special!" :) WTF?! I had no idea what that meant so I just replied "isn't that what they tell all the mentally handicapped kids? ( bad taste I know but..) Then she replied I was on the short bus (as she is small) -to which I said 'licking the windows'...No reply since-only yesterday.I was just trying to keep things light and fun as I had no idea what she meant by I'm special.I really care about this girl because of what she did for me when I was in hospital but she handled the break-up appallingly.I just don't know what she wants if anything-it is about 3-4 weeks since we officially split.

Any help you could give me would be great as I have the worst year of my life with health issues lost about 15kg of muscle and have been quite emasculated turned from a fit fighting machine into a bloody borderline cripple and now this is affecting me mentally and my physical recovery.Should I just go 100% NC or try and be friends with her.

Thanks
Sincerely Anthony

Anonymous's picture

I was with a girl for two years. she broke up out of the blue a few days before. I was mostly a strong man during most of the relationship. But when we broke up I became clingy and promised we can move together or make other changes she wanted. I should have read this article before talking to her. If I had read this I would have followed the suggestions and would have handled the breakup better. She said I am saying all of this breakup and it is too late. Not sure what I should do now. would it still be a good idea to send a letter or an email to her. If someone has been a similar situation and can advise would be great.

Anonymous's picture

"...led to her warming right back up to me again (and her getting me back a week later, which was not my intention at all...)..."

How did she get you back? What did she do and what made it work?

Jorge's picture

Hello, I want to know that this website has help me out an inestimabke amount. Really muchas gracias. I have a gotten a lot of women because of it. I need your help with something please. About year ago I started seeing this Korean girl Jinhee. The first I tookher out we had sex. And then some great sex another time after that. But you see the first time we were on my bed and while I was pulling down her sombody walked in the room so we fell into a sleeping position. She then grab a pillow and covered her face with it. The person quickly left and she kept the pillow on her face almost as if she was regreting what we were doing. So I said "Jinhee we dont have to do anything if you dont want to." She seemed to have taken a cow out of her mouth and asked me " Do you like me?" I said yes. We made love. The next time we had great sex for like an hour. I then walk her to a bus stop. As we were she was telling me about her first time and I feeling a little jealous. She then told me that I was the second man she had been with and much of the stuff we did she had never done before. "I told her that I believe that one can have many loves through out their lives." (I regret that one jaja) I dont if she really understood because she responded with" Oh! your not my boyfriend?" I said no. She said " I feel bad." Her bus got there and I kissed her good bye. We have hung out several times since then but never had sex again. Only made out once. Things did feel slighty different after that and she isnt as willing to go out anymore. What do think? Thanks for your time.

Anonymous's picture

Hello Chase, I really need your advice here.

I’ve known a girl for 2 ½ years, we meet online, and have been in a long-distance relationship for just under a year. We visited each other many times, she always told me how much she loved me and how I’m her longest ever relationship and in the past she was never that interested in her boyfriends but that I’m different. Essentially im the best man she’s ever met and for the first time she could imagine settling down and having kids together with me one day. After me going to visit her for two weeks, she asked me how I felt about moving in with her. I said “I wasn’t sure” and that I needed to think. So said took this indecision that I didn’t love her enough and broke it off. I agreed because I didn’t want to hurt her anymore. I really did love her though, it was just a big decision and I got a little scared. We didn’t speak for a month, to let her grieve. I did a lot of thinking and decided that I did want to move in with her and that I was still madly in love with her. However instead of gradually talking again, I stated this outright and said I wanted her back, and how badly the breakup affected me. She told me that she felt very insecure and rejected by me for not wanting to move over, and that the next day she signed up to dating sites and she has now slept with a guy. She said it meant nothing and that she only did it for attention and to boost her confidence. I told her it was ok because we weren’t together but she says she feels too guilty about it and that our relationship is now ruined. I’ve tried to explain how it’s fine, and it doesn’t have to be ruined and begged her to give me another chance. I think she thinks that I might leave her again in the future because “I gave up so easily” the first time, especially when it comes to kids and marriage (we’re 28). I also think (but I’m not sure) that my constant begging has made her lose attraction for me as it’s made me look weak. In our relationship though I was very alpha, she was incredibly attracted to me, I never ever got jealous or needy and was very confident but she did wish I could open up more to her. I’ve basically in long messages, that if we don’t get back together then I’m not sure we can keep speaking as friends because it’d just hurts too much as I’d never now if she was just being polite or actually wanted to get back together. I asked her if she wanted to get back together several times but she just keeps saying “she doesn’t know”. I realised my mistake, that this wasn’t fair on her and that begging will not work and will only make me look weak and desperate. So left it a few days then sent a perfectly well written long message that you recommended apologising, and saying that I know she’ll find someone amazing that’ll give her everything she deserves and more and that I always want to be friends. Her response to this was “it still hurts when you say things like that” “but it was a lovely thing to say” “it’s not easy for me either”. Now I don’t want to do, if I’ve weakened my position by begging her to get back together then should I ignore her for a while to let her miss me (as you recommend in 2) or should I just continue talking and making jokes as friends and make another attempt further down the line (1)? She still messages me and has added me on fb again but the messages are different now, a little colder and if complement her she about something she just ignores it. I don’t know for sure but I think she’s talking to other guys now. When we were together if we both online she would reply to me instantly, now she’d switch between conversations with me and whoever else she is speaking to. What do I do, please help? I’m really struggling here. I’ve lost 15kgs in weight the past 2 months, and talking to her while she could be talking to other guys is breaking my heart.

Andrew erms 's picture

Hi chase

Wondering how long the #1 auto rejection stages (rebound, cooling off, and longing) take on average? I've been with my girlfriend for 6 months before we broke up due to my continual infedility.

Thanks for your reply,
A.E

 James Newman's picture

Hey Chase. I have a question regarding if my current situation with my ex is redeemable, considering some of the mistakes I've made in the past.
To begin, she was my high-school girlfriend, a grade below me, only months before I left for college. We're able to hit it off when we're in person, but this hasn't happened in many months.

I broke it off because I thought I'd hurt her feelings if I hadn't. She asked me to take her virginity, but I didn't, to not effect her emotions like this only to leave and cheat on her in college. I over-analyzed many things, had social anxiety, and had depression during the time, I still regret this decision.
I turned down her offer for sex during 1st semester break, because of my ego (very much regret this). A year goes by, she had a boyfriend, but was enrolled to my university. The boyfriend wasn't. So, I thought it'd be a piece of cake to snatch her back up when school rolled around. This did not happen. At one point I even told her how I felt, exposing my social anxiety at the time.
She ends up joining a sorority, breaking up with her boyfriend, sleeping around a bit, and is now in the "I'm Free" zone. On her birthday, I tried to use our original connection, twitter, to contact her since my phone was dead. Our conversation where we exchanged numbers hovered above the new one, and in all honesty I was trying to rekindle the flame. We get drinks, have great conversation, but her friends wanted to leave... I gave her a strong hug and she left. I tried to get coffee to no avail. My depression was at an all time high at this point.
After this I ignored her for months, until inviting her to my fraternity's party. She was excited I was talking to her and wanted to know if and why I was mad at her. I told her not to worry about such things. She couldn't make the party, and was a no-show at the next one. I later asked her to come over and watch a shitty movie, which she made excuses for, only to later text me when she needed something for her plans that week.
Now, my depression and social anxieties have completely left me, and I have transferred universities. Honestly, I'm killing it right now, but I'm confident, not cocky about it.
During summer we live very close. Our last texting convo was nothing more than me explaining why I transferred, ending with me making it apparent I didn't want to text at the time. When we talk in person we hit it off, but I don't want to make further effort to get a minute with her.

So my question is: Do you think it's too far gone? and What should my plan of action be if I only wanted to have a summer relationship, even if it's an open one?

tshirtking7's picture

x

Lucas's picture

I've been dating this girl (17) for almost 5 months. We met each other at a disco (just before summer holidays) and we knew rightly after getting to know each other that we were going to the same school.

During holidays we used to see each other almost every day, but school started and I noticed that her commitment was fading, and as a frequent reader of yours, I knew that chasing her was not a possibility. I'm a college swimmer (aged 20), and she loves to party (I hardly date party girls), which makes my every day life very different from hers.

But until last week we were making plans about vacation trips, and other couple plans, and as soon as school started, all the love I was getting from her disappeared, and eventually one week later she came up crying at me telling me she was leaving me. She told me it was not my fault, but because of the different paths of life we have.

I am really in love with this girl but I don't know what to do in a situation like this one. I know she loved me, but this sudden change she had, really surprised me, and I don't know in what category she fits to (#1, #2 or #3) and how to rearrange things if it's even a possibility.

Rothan's picture

Hi Chase,

I'm quite confused at how my ex (she is only 21 yrs old) has been acting towards me. Here is my story.

After almost 16 months of being so happy together my ex broke up with me almost a month ago. The breakup wasn't emotionally charged. We didn't fight. But she gave me a very vague and rather confusing reason saying she did it because of her friends.

I haven't seen her in person ever since and avoided texting her and wanted to go complete No Contact. But since after the break-up she occasionally initiates contact still (say 3 times a week) out of the blue thru video call using Viber. Of course this makes me so happy but i avoid talking about the break-up or getting back together and show myself as cool and ok. Our calls on the average last from 15 to 25 mins. She shows much affection during the call, sometimes playfully touches and kisses her phone as if trying to reach out to me to kiss and touch me. We tease each other as i say i wanted the real thing (meaning a real physical kiss). She smiles a lot during our conversation and we simply talk about anything that comes.

What does this mean? Is she over me and have moved on? Or does she still have feelings but just want to stand by her decision of breaking up?

Appreciate your advise. Thanks

markbholdsworth's picture

Dear Chase,
I love the article. I split up with the most lovely girl two weeks ago after 5 months together. She had invited me to move in at the beginning of April. Two weeks ago, she was very ill and I was not there for her (I was moving house, having work stress and grief about my dad's death) Worse, we had a full blown argument by phone after she'd gone to get well at her parents house. She pushed my buttons on the call and I just lost it. A very rare occurrence and definitely not something I'm proud of especially as she was ill. After 3 days apart and no contact from her (my phone broke whilst away for a weekend. I emailed her every day but got nothing back) she dumped me by phone. She was spitting with cold anger. I went to see her the next day at her parents house but she would hardly open the door to me and whilst a bit teary was brutally cold. I send her flowers the day after that but got no contact back. I think we are very much in the #1 scenario you describe.

My question is, after having written the letter you describe, what do I do now? I've left it two weeks since I last contacted her. She gets the letter today. Do I leave it another few weeks before getting in touch? or a few days? I've followed your advice when I crafted the letter. I apologised, explained, said goodbye for now and hinted what could have been in the letter. What hook now do I use to get in touch? And how do I turn it round when I meet her? And if she doesn't want to meet - any further tips? I really, really do not want to give up on this girl.

I'd love your advice.

Thanks,

Mark

Jack's picture

Dear Chase,
So there is this girl I met online. She lives in LA and I live in San Diego. We've been talking for 5 months. I went up to LA to meet her one weekend and we had a great time we didn't necessarily have sex on the first date but we did make out a lot. Shes always working so I haven't seen her in a while but we do text all the time. Well we've been texting none stop since we saw each other. Lately all we have done is argue. I've been irritated the past few weeks with work I'm on the Navy it's a very stressful job well when I tried to talk to this girl she would get mad at me for being to needy. She tells me I'm needy, and a jerk. Well a week in a half ago after giving her space she told me that she wants to be friends. I agree because I figured maybe if we become friends and I prove to her that I have changed maybe she would give another chance so I've been trying to change trying to not be so needy giving each other space and time to think. I want this girl so badly but she keeps on telling me no. How can we be making out one day and then a few weeks later she says let's be friends. I've told her how I felt about her and all she keeps on doing is denying me. How long does it take to win a girl back? And can I change this girls mind?

J's picture

I had a girl i was bored with. She was verrrry boring and submissive shy. I got busy with work and social life. Got into drunk text arguments with her repeatedly. Shed started making sideways comments at me. Told her about a girl who wanted a 3some with me in one of them. She said she was done. I went over to her house and the girl was a wreck. I didnt go thru with any 3some. I tried to make it up to her. She later said it was less stressful if i didnt come over again. I came over anyway and opened her up. She shut down and started acting like the bored im free girl. Talking down to me. Pointing out my flaws. Annoyed. Saying if you stay the night itll just confuse you. Saying "i know what you want". Saying im a smooth talker and she feels like a fool. Crying at times. Making me dinner. I said i accept its over and left. We havent spoken in 6 weeks. She appeared to block and unblock my POF profile 7 times but i dont know. So i dont know what that all was since i kinda thought she was just getting interesting. But i do feel like respect has been lost especially since I guess i chased.. So im not sure if that was #1 or #2

jps.auseth's picture

Hi Chase.

My girlfriend brooke up with me about two months ago. She started dating the guy I was getting jealous over about a month ago. In the beginning I was sure she was a "im free" type of ex, but the more we get on speaking ground the more confused I get. She told me she was happy we broke up so suddenly (in week 2) but last week she said she didnt kntend to break up, just to talk, but since i confronted her about a rumor that we had broken up (made by the guy I was jealous of) she felt like she couldnt say she wasnt thinking about it. She also acts very loving towards her new guy, but again, told me recently that she was way happier with me, and that she was emotionally and physically sick after we broke up. 

Ive started flirting woth her again and rebuilding my basics, which goes well, but she often brings up the boyfriend. Sometimes it feels like she is using it to say "stop, ive moved on", most times it feels like she is saying "stop, youll steal me back" (like repeating how she wasnt jealous of me and other girls 3 times when I joked abput it once...

But most confusing is her bodylanguage, because she is sometimes receptable to escalation (tutching and stuff) and others distant. Has much eye contact and projects love (not lust) but then goes over to show some affection to her boyfriend. (She is more receptive when he isnt around)

I want her back, not just because I loved her, but because I shink she still loves me to an extent, but lacks attraction or something. Also because I dont like her new guy as a person, but I did that before he started making me jealous in the first place. 

Do you have any thougths?

C's picture

Hi Chase,

Two questions regarding the cooling off / radio silence / no contact period:

1) I assume you don't contact the girl as much, if at all, so as to let her get ready to miss you. However, what about social media such as Instagram stories and Snapchat stories, which are 24-hour posts that you broadcast and your followers can view. Should I block the girl from seeing these stories, or should I continue to let her see them?

2) My girl wanted to end things but still be friends, still send each other funny memes on Instagram, or Snap each other to keep up our Snap streak. Should I keep reciprocating to her snaps and IG sharing or do they count as messages even though they are not always combined with an actual message directed at me? Also, this girl is young, so she Snaps a lot, and I have thus far (it's been a week), been unwilling to break our Snap Streak, because apparently young'uns these day really value the Snap Streak. What are your thoughts on this?

Thanks,

- C

Deborah Clark's picture

I was searching for an advise on what to do to get back my EX Husband, My story is about a woman who used to work with my husband in the same office, they were having secret affair and i caught them, for that reason my husband and i had to split, but i still love him but it seems he was deeply in love with the other lady and he left me useless, after few weeks of searching for help, I came across to Dr. Obi who provided me help, i contacted Dr. Obi for help due to the fact that i needed my EX lover desperately because he is my everything and my life. To God be the glory, my EX husband came back to me within 24 hours and he swore never to cheat on me again and promised to love me forever, Viewers reading my article that also need his help should contact him

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