The Beginning is the Hardest Part | Girls Chase

The Beginning is the Hardest Part

Chase Amante

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Chase Amante's picture

beginning is hardest part
Why’s it have to be so hard to start something new? The truth is, whether it’s sports, art, business, or dating, the hardest part is at the start.

In 2005, the tire company I worked for considered me one of the best salesman in the district. Back in 2001 though, the first customer I ever served as a salesman had so little confidence in me (as a result of my obvious slowness, jitters, and uncertainty) that at one point she stopped me cold, looked me dead in the eye, and told me: “You’d better not fuck up my car.”

In 2006, I’d perform my music for people and they would flip out and tell me I should be on the radio. But in 2002, when I first began to make music, most of what I got was a barrage of hate, telling me my music sucked, I sucked, and (probably the most oft-repeated phrase I got), “Kill yourself, faggot.”

And in 2010, I was doing well enough with girls that I reached a point where my ideal girlfriend-quality girls became a breeze for me to get, and I knew if I went out and picked up hard enough, I could probably find a girl to take home (it might not necessarily be easy – a lot of that is down to luck... but doable). Yet, when I made my first real efforts to meet girls via cold approach in 2001, I failed so hard that I didn’t even try again for another 3.5 years.

I’ve watched a lot of guys get good with girls over the years, and most don’t suck as hard as I did at the beginning, or for nearly as long. Nevertheless, I share these examples to introduce a concept it’s important you get: that the beginning is the hardest part.

If you can get past this part, it gets easier and easier from there.

Comments

Anonymous 9991's picture

What's up Chase?
I really needed this article after recently being discouraged.
Last year December, I began approaching girls at parties and clubs, got a few numbers(progress) andheld conversations with pretty girls longer than I could ever hope for.
However after not going out partying for over 3 months, I tried to approach a few girls while I was out clubbing. My openers were terrible, my body language was hopeless and I was just straight up nervous. I got blown off by just 2 girls and haven't approached a girl in over 4 months. I've also become more aware of the 'value' factor yet I still find it incredibly difficult to find female friends( due to my reputation as a boring, sports freak). I left the 'cool guys' because I realized that they never really had a lot of respect for me and that they were also bad influences in my life. I've become extremely self conscious at lunch( I'm still in high school) and its eating away at my self confidence. I was wondering if you could share an example of how you overcame similar difficulties in your journey.

Thanks Chase
Oh and how about you let us know where we can hear one of your tracks? That'd be incredible.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Sure – blowouts and disappointments are part and parcel of being new at talking to girls and sucking at it! It’s why so few guys are any good at it. Too much of an ego grinder for most men to stick with.

For me, getting past that point was mostly a series of mindset shifts, followed by enough grinding to start seeing results.

My mindset at the start (in high school) was, “I’m going to go do this and get dates, kisses, sex, a girlfriend, etc.,” followed by fear of failure, and then extreme disappointment when I tried and did fail.

Once I hit rock bottom, my mindset shifted from “I’m going to go get success” to “Screw it, I’m going to go suck big time and fail. But I will go out and do it enough that I gradually start to recognize the patterns and give myself the opportunities to improve.” At that point I slowly started to scale up how much I went out and how much approaching I did.

Once I started to go out a lot and talk to girls, it became pretty emotional, with a lot of beating myself up feeling like a failure, walking home alone like the world’s biggest loser, and then the next night I’d go back out and try it all over again. And then I’d start getting girls touching me or coming onto me, only to miss all those chances and beat myself up more about that. Even once I started getting laid off of cold approach I was still struggling with feeling like a failure and sucking and “this doesn’t work for me” because I really just wanted a girlfriend and the girls I was hooking up with weren’t girlfriend material (e.g., too slutty, too crazy, etc.). Finally once I found that first real girlfriend, I quit beating myself up (for the most part). Though it still never fully stopped until I hit first regular abundance mentality, then absolute abundance mentality.

I guess in my case you could say it was about vanquishing need; for me, it was more the need to know I was capable of a.) getting laid more or less when I wanted to and b.) getting a high caliber girlfriend in a quick period of time.

The initial mindset of, “Screw it, I’m just going to go fail until I start to recognize patterns,” followed by a few weeks or months of grinding is what gets you going, though. That’s what allows you to build reference points you can then look back on and say, “Wow, I’ve actually improved pretty dramatically from where I was 3 months ago. Okay – well, I’m not where I want to be just yet, but I can do this.”

Chase

ManOfSteel's picture

Great article and very inspirational, not only for total beginners but also for guys near intermediate lvl like myself (i have been reading your site for 3 years and although i get laid, i'm still far form what i want to be). I especially enjoyed the part about punishment (its still going on for me but now i have more hope and will to push it through) and a tip to "Celebrate others’ wins" because it sounds like a great way to get rid of bitterness that i feel in this stage. Also i would like to compliment the newsletter article "What Do You Care If She's Selfish?" because it has totally open another dimension of thinking about the whole dating concept. Keep up with the great work. Greetings from Croatia.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Glad to hear it, MOS. Punishment never full goes away until you’ve achieved all your (conscious or unconscious) emotional objectives. But then once the punishment is gone, a lot of the motivation goes too! So if you want to stay motivated past that point, it’s often either just hedonism, or relaxation, or you find something else to punish yourself over. Weird how it works.

Good you liked the “selfish” newsletter, too. It’s easy to get hung up saying, “I don’t like this about her,” and auto-rejecting, when ‘this’ is a totally normal thing that all people do. And it also won’t be such a big deal to you when she’s naked in bed with her legs spread for you or you’re walking around showing her off to your buddies.

So much of this is about getting out of your own way so you can just go do what you need to do to get results.

Chase

Long Zhao's picture

This advice is immensely helpful for anyone trying to achieve success in an unfamiliar area. And even though most of the material here focuses on women, much of it is universally applicable.

It's a reminder to be grateful to everyone that sees fit to relate their experiences and insights to someone else who may lacking for whatever reason. Without them, people would have to start from scratch.

stef's picture

great!!!!!

ChaseIsGreat's picture

Hey Chase,
Your stuff is great as always.

Anyway I'd like to add a couple of insights I got while reading it:
1. You talk about beginning in the way that if you stumble into something entirely new you will just be idiot again until you get good there. Which is true, but... in life everything is related. We can not see things, but they certainly affect other things.

Take a sportsman who is good at discipline, and you'll see him succeeding better than other undisciplined folk in entirely new field of IT - because that sportsman just knows how to do stuff, and the stuff is different but his brain engagement levels are far higher than the coach potato guy and he knows that phoning it in just won't cut it. Which isn't truth on every occasion, but sometimes it's just the way it is.

I'd say that it's far more important to do anything serious than to wait for perfect moment and do nothing. Because when you do serious stuff and you give your heart into it, you develop personality traits, not just skills. And they help you more than skills only.

I would paraphrase your idea in a way: "The beginning is the hardest part, also the beginning of beginning things is harder than being used to beginning things, you just stack up various reference points and taking new endeavors in foreign fields gets somewhat easier, you just now that some suckage is temporary as long as you're serious about what you're doing". That's why we see some guys entering new fields and succeeding better than others - they're used to cracking stuff and novelty doesn't scare them.

Discipline isn't the sole variable here. For example: knowledge of how language is structured may help to understand structure of data computers use, may help to memorize things in other life areas and so on.

All in all, you become a person who finds mess no longer comfortable and looks for truth, which is what is uncomfortable for a guy whose life is a mess. If your life is a mess you will tend to stay at it, just because ignorance is so comfy that you just don't need to defend your ego (you deny the truth anyway), while the achiever knows that all real answers lie in truth even if it's unpleasant (for a while, of course).

2. You mention that things aren't rewarding. But they are rewarding. Except "it FEELS rewarding" and "it IS rewarding" are different things.
If a guy texts a girl and chases her hard - it feels rewarding, yet it isn't to be honest.
If a guy learns to play new instrument - it doesn't feel rewarding until some songs get played well, but it is - every moment he spends doing it gives something to him. Magnitude of usefulness depends on some variables like his attention, interest, previous knowledge and others, but it's still better than laying on couch indefinitely.

Yet these are only marginally insignificant points, but I missed them, so I added them myself.
Keep up great work :)

Author
Chase Amante's picture

CIG-

Wonderful points. Once you’ve learned to learn and you’ve gotten used to pushing through the punishment to the other side, it does give you a leg up over others who have zero experience doing this if you sit down to do something completely new.

Nice distinction between emotional in-the-moment rewards and technical skill-building rewards. Absolutely true that often the things that reward you most do not feel rewarding while you do them, while other things that take away from you can feel good while you’re in them.

Chase

Carver Montana's picture

Hey Chase,

Thanks for another great article!

As I was reading the start of it, I got to thinking... I've seen you mention your experience in sales a number of times throughout your articles. From what I can gather, it was one of the things that helped you in various ways to ultimately become better with women.

Now, normally when you write about your sales experience, you seem to relate it pick up more or less indirectly. For example, you tell a story about how you went from being looked down upon by your co-workers to eventually gaining their respect, and then you relate that to an article about rising through the social ranks and so on. But I am curious as to why I've never seen you write about how sales pertain more directly to pick up.

I know a bit about sales myself (I'm an online marketer) and I know that there is a lot of overlap between the psychology of sales and that of pick up. No doubt you're keenly aware of this. Hell, I even see you using common sales terminology, such as "closing" and "buying temperature."

I feel like an article on the similarities between sales and pick up could be a good read. It would be nice to see on the site, if you think it would be appropriate ;)

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Carver,

Sounds like a fun idea for an article. I've just jotted it down!

UPDATE: here it is!: “16 Ways Sales and Dating Overlap (and 11 Ways They Don’t)

Chase

matthewpoland023's picture

Thank you so much for that article Chase. That was much needed and it is a much needed mentality for me in life. I used to give up in everything when I was younger when the going got "too tough," but FUCK THAT! No more man. Thanks again.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Great to see, Matthew.

Once you can push through on one thing, it makes everything else immensely easier.

At that point, you know success is achievable, and then you just ask yourself, “I know I can get to success, but it’s going to be painful and time-consuming. Do I want this thing bad enough to endure the pain and spend the time or are my energies better spent elsewhere?”

And then you can either endure the punishment and not take it as personal, or you can walk away from the thing and not beat yourself up about it because you’ve decided to do something else instead. You end up with a much more balanced perspective on learning to do hard things.

Chase

Sub-Zero's picture

The beginning is the hardest part.... I have yet to still approach during day time.
I've only done it a few times and I have been successful, but they were very few and far in between, and it was before I heard of this website.

This is pretty much what I'll need to know, then I will be good to go.

actually when I think about it to be honest, I don't technically night approach either.
What I mean is that I approach in clubs some of the times trying to talk to girls, but most of the time I try to dance with them and I don't do night time street game.

I'm trying to work on what I can while I get better with doing cold approach.

While I work on doing more approaching, I want to know how and what I can work on that will make girls still want me as I get better in this.

Like say, if I want a girl from work, or a girl of a friend, a girl in school.

What can I do to now to get these types of girls to want me? I ask this because I know getting better with approaching takes time, and getting success with lays does as well.

I feel I can work on something now that will make girls on the peripheral of my social circle to want me.

Like do I deep dive them? talk to them more, touch them more, how can I be more sexy to them? do I flirt with them more? tease them?

I'll talk about cold approaching struggles right now:

I'll go through how I feel every time I think about doing cold approach.

I'll use this as an example from yesterday at the store.

1. This girls ok, I sleep with her.

2. She's not even looking my way, I can't just come up to her and be like, "hi, you're cute, etc..."

3. this is not normal.

4. cold approaching is not normal.

5. she just wants to grab her things and go home, she doesn't want to get approached.

that's how It pretty much goes. I feel they don't want to be bothered or picked up. if they did want to talk, they would give me signs of interest.

I also wanted to know Chase, Does HI or hey count as an approach? because if it does I can do that and maybe it'll get better from there.

Thank you Chase

Author
Chase Amante's picture

SZ-

“Like do I deep dive them? talk to them more, touch them more, how can I be more sexy to them? do I flirt with them more? tease them?”

Yes.

All the stuff from the website. It works on girls in social circle / class / at work too, not just on girls you meet on the street. Girls are girls, regardless where you meet ‘em.

“Hi” or “hey” are definitely approaches. If you engage her, it’s an approach.

As for the “she’s not even looking at me, I can’t approach her” bit:

Pre-Opening

Chase

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