(4) Advanced

What women say they want and what they actually choose often doesn’t line up. Why is so much of what women really want unconscious?

One of the most challenging aspects of psychological science is how often people say they want one thing, only to choose something else.

I saw this routinely back in my tire salesman days. A customer would come in and say he wanted the cheapest set of tires we had. I’d ask him about what he wanted his driving experience to be like; I’d discover he wanted great road traction and a comfortable ride; and he’d proceed to purchase a premium set of tires with excellent traction and ride comfort instead.

This “what you say you want vs. what you actually want” issue manifests in all sorts of ways in psychological science, too. Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel’s 2008 speed dating study “Do people know what they initially desire in a romantic partner?” found no matter how strong someone insisted a preference was (e.g., “I will only date a girl if she is beautiful” “I won’t date a guy unless he makes a lot of money”), that person was no more likely to pick someone who matched the preference in a live event than average.

In his chapter in The Adapted Mind: Evolutionary Psychology and the Generation of Culture, on how women evaluate mate prospects, Bruce J. Ellis unfurls a host of items on how women select their mates. One of the most important things Ellis talks about, though, is some of the paradoxes in mate selection. For instance, much research finds women are drawn to men who are socially dominant: men who dominate their social environments. These men tend to be cooler, more aloof, and more detached. Yet a lot of other research finds women are drawn to men who are warm, personal, and caring. How do those two connect?

We’ll talk about Ellis’s solutions to the warmth-dominance paradox below. But first we need to pose a question: do people actually know what they want?

To be able to lead – whether men, women, or both – you must be certain. And to be certain, you must have three (3) elements in place.

Two candidates are about to give their speeches for president of the Interfraternity Council. The IFC is the board that governs all the fraternities on campus. It controls how and when rush proceeds (the process by which fraternities and sororities recruit members) and deals with disciplinary action.

It's not that important of a position, since at this school, they're quite liberal with control, but it's still a position. And men, well, they like titles. It makes them feel important. They respect them. Women? They yearn for men with position. It gets them wet.

So these two men want it.

The first candidate is the former vice president and has been given the opportunity to speak first.

“Hey guys! As you know, I was vice president for the past year and hopefully have lived up to the duties given to that position. As you saw, I tried to reestablish the philanthropic duties of vice president and actually held a fundraiser, something no vice president in recent memory has done. Also, I oversaw a judicial board hearing and carried it out quickly and efficiently, another duty of vice president that hasn’t been fulfilled in recent years. I’ve seen how the executive board works. I’ve worked with the president closely, helped him facilitate almost every duty of the council, seen how all the paperwork gets dealt with, and have even met with administrators in an effort to better understand what the school wants from us.

I hope that you’ve noticed my hard work and dedication and will do me the honor of voting me in as president of the council. Thank you very much!”

All women have a wild side. But they won’t show it except to certain types of men. The pleasure-loving man knows how to bring this side out.

When you’re head-to-head against another guy over a girl, the last thing you want to do is try to best him at what he’s good at. Beat him on your terms, instead.

Commenting under my article “If a Girl Has Sex with You Fast, is She a Slut?”, Mike asked:

“Hey chase, please I have a question to ask. I want to know how to compete with guys more handsome than me. Thanks.”

It’s a good question. It echoes similar questions I’ve answered in articles and in the comments before, such as:

• How do you compete with men who are famous?

• How do you compete with guys she already knows?

• How do you compete with bad boys when you’re not a bad boy?

I don’t want to spoil the whole article, but the way you win, of course, is by not trying to beat that guy at what he’s good at.

Instead, what you must do to win is change the rules of engagement.

With the right tweaks, you can put a guy on the defensive and emerge victorious for the girl, despite almost any number of on-paper advantages he might seem to have over you.

If you want to do something, but you never take action do it... what is that? It’s a case where you have the interest – but lack the desire.

A friend who has been consulting with me about the dating world visited me recently for a weekend – and brought some interesting stories to share. He graduated from college last year and moved to a new city, landing a prestigious job at a highly respected global firm with a six-figure starting pay and great benefits (right out of school!). Basically, he fulfilled the career dream he had since before college, and now he lives in a beautiful new apartment in a great part of town, with lots of space and lots of money.

Regarding this side of his life, he’s completely fulfilled – well, sort of. He likes his life on paper, but after actually speaking to him about the details, I discovered he feels immersed in soul-killing consumerism. He liked my tiny, modest apartment with its very human and soulful feel. Before leaving, he said my vibe had rubbed off on him – he felt sweeter and more relaxed.

Yet on the dating field, he hasn’t gone on a single date since moving to his new city. He has been following Girls Chase for almost two years and has since improved on his vibe and does cold approach occasionally. However, he has yet to ask out a girl in his new town. He tells me that he’s waiting to become more fit (he goes to the gym regularly and is still looking for new clothes) to present himself better. He’s also working on his fundamentals and is pursuing new hobbies and meet-ups where he might meet women. He also laments that there are no women in his area he really has a desire for. In other words, he doesn’t find them attractive, so they’re not even worth approaching or pursuing.

I will note that he did enjoy the look of women in my area – so location is a factor indeed!

He wanted to know what he could do to start dating women, and I told him that right now, there’s nothing he can really do, because no matter what I tell him, he’s not actually going to do it. How did I deduce this? I told him that in this moment in his life, he doesn’t want to date or learn to be with women badly enough; his focus is still on building his career, not learning to attract women.

In fact, his desire, as it was during college, remains in climbing his career and making lots of money – a big factor in his choice of city – while he merely has an interest in learning about women and dating. I told him nothing would happen for him until he actually held a real desire to be with a woman; for now, a sufficient desire doesn’t exist in him. I told him he’s waiting for a “perfect moment” that will never actually arrive.

What he actually needs to do to make any progress is to get the ball rolling, but his desire to grow career-wise suffocates that process.

I wanted to break down why things were the way they were for him, and thus came about the topic of this article. It’s a little abstract but very useful in deducing people’s intentions.

One of the great life lessons I am getting ever more acquainted with is that what people say they want or like, and what they actually, truly want – and what they actually do – are often very different things. This is what we’re going to talk about today: why these inconsistencies exist and how they show up.

Just met her in the bar, and want a fun way to take things sexual fast? Break out the orgasm control routine – and watch her get hot in a hurry.

I’ve decided to write a follow-up to my tantric sex gambit. The idea behind that post was to not only give you a powerful gambit to play around with, but also give myself an opportunity to share the principles behind it, so you can learn from them. In other words, those principles serve as examples of how certain concepts can be used.

In the previous post, we discussed how the tantric sex gambit would:

• Display sexual prizing – by showing your knowledge related to sex and framing you as a good lover

• Introduce the topic of sex in a low-key, not overly-explicit way – tantric sex is hot, but it’s not very explicit. We also discussed how using a proxy could allow us to introduce the topic with more ease (e.g., “I read somewhere that…”)

• Force some touching (and eye contact) – when doing that quick demo, you hold hands and face each other, looking each other in the eyes

• Provide an easy way to get her entranced – by breathing together

• Incorporate other minor stuff, too – rich descriptions, commands, and so on

This time around, we will focus on more explicit material and communicating even more sexual prizing – how to talk about sex and really communicate that you know your shit. So this time, our focus will be:

• Sexual prizing (again)

• Making her horny by being more explicit

• Contrasting – to set us apart from other men and other people, framing ourselves as sexually superior

• How to use fractionation to create anticipation and amplify everything

• Using more amplifying language (e.g., “more and more”)

These things can all seem very difficult to grasp by simply reading about the gambit. There is so much to remember, and if you are not used to using advanced verbals, this can seem overly confusing. However, my experience tells me that once you see it exemplified in light of the explanations, it should make more sense. So we will exemplify things before discussing the concepts used.

Remember, practice makes champions, but the first try may be a bit off (I highly doubt you will experience any major side-effects from doing this wrong). With practice, you should improve your flow and experience these awesome techniques at full power.

But again, I will not lie, this post is made for intermediate to advanced players. Feel free to read it if you are a beginner, but do not expect to get too far with this stuff right away unless you have your fundamentals in check (at least) and preferably have some experience with women. Either way, let us get on with this technique.

Women love tantra. The feelings, emotions, and spirituality of it. By talking about tantra with girls, you can seduce them then and there.

Hey, guys. I know I promised a report this time around, but I just had to share this technique with you.

Today I will share a simple technique that I find very powerful. Now, it is somewhat of an old-school way of performing pick-up and seduction – focusing on routines – but I don’t see that as a bad thing, necessarily. First of all, I am old school. Secondly, I believe that we are all more or less relying on certain routines whether or not we want to admit it. Yes, even though you may not follow a script (a bit overkill, maybe?), there are still certain techniques or lines you may find yourself using a lot (with great success) when interacting with women.

Thirdly, I also believe routines can be key for practicing seducers – like a cheat code, in a way. I do not have a script per se, but I do like to have some cheat codes available in case I get stuck in a situation and need something juicy and powerful to push things forward.

And lastly, routines like this one can show you – as an example – how things can be done in a new, powerful way. What comes is highly recommended to help you understand the underlying mechanism of the routine, the factors that make it work, and the different techniques and concepts used (the overall mechanisms) that make the routine so powerful. The idea here is that you can deconstruct it and use the concepts and techniques individually, or you can use the knowledge to make up powerful stuff on your own. I will, of course, help you deconstruct it all in this post.

Before reading on, be aware that this post is better suited for intermediate to advanced players!