(2) Intermediate

A simple tactic that makes gobs of difference: just be friendly. Opening’s easier, hooking’s easier, and social proof becomes well-nigh automatic.

Here's a deceptively simple tactic:

Be friendly to every person you encounter.

Just yesterday we talked about conflict escalation and the dog-eat-dog world inside the prison system.

The good news is, you're a free man, and you're not in that kind of world. In this world, unless you venture into a bad part of town, you can and should be friendly to everybody.

Any time I've felt some rust or a renewed sense of approach anxiety, "be friendly to people" is the primary tactic I use to shake that off. Alek followed this same advice recently when he sought to warm up his social momentum after over a year of almost uninterrupted citywide lockdowns. It's simple, basic advice but it really works.

"Be friendly" has a ton of upsides for getting yourself approaching more easily with a lot less fear.

If you've only been doing targeted approaching -- where the only people you approach are sufficiently good-looking girls -- you may well find this alternate tactic a breath of fresh air.

When you talk to one group, others take note of you. This is the “spill over effect”: a way to meet more people by meeting other people first.

Hey guys, and welcome back!

Last time I shared insights on building social micro momentum or “warming up” socially before going for the girl you really want.

Why is it a good idea to warm up?

• To eliminate approach anxiety

• To feel warmed-up socially so you approach girls confidently and smoothly, increasing your chances of success

• To acquire benefits like social proof and familiarity with girls so that you can re-engage later if needed

How do you build social momentum?

• Start early

• Select a warm venue if you feel like you are at risk of getting rejected

• Approach in the most indirect and risk-averse way possible. The goal is to keep a few conversations going here and there

• Interactions shouldn’t last less than five minutes or more than 20 minutes. Ideally, strive for 10 – 15 minutes

• Don’t approach the girl you want yet, since you do not want to waste the opportunity when warming up

Once you feel ready to play seriously, you will be warmed up. Now you can approach those hot girls. You don’t need warm-ups because hotter girls are harder to approach (but not necessarily). You are probably feeling more anxious about approaching them because you find them attractive.

After all, isn’t it better to approach a girl you like when you are warmed up and have higher chances of succeeding with your approach, rather than doing so when your social muscle is still cold, and your approach may be unsmooth?

Does it seem like most girls are awful, horrid, mean-spirited bitches? If it does, it’s a sign you’re doing something wrong – and that’s a good thing (it means you can fix it).

Does it seem to you that almost every girl you meet is just an unnecessarily mean person?

Do you ever find yourself wondering why so many girls are just horrid, ruthless bitches?

Commenting on my article that "Female Bad Behavior Is Often Defensive", Xander writes:

Ok. I agree if bad behavior is one-off interaction that doesn’t mean anything. However, even in this case if that negative reaction is overly negative i.e. overly expressed toward guy (and most women do this at least where I live) that is also the sign that particular woman can be considered as bad person. Many guys (at least what I have seen) don’t do overly annoying things with women and still get overly negative reactions from uninterested/unsure/insecure women.

Also, what I have seen is that the majority of women where I live rarely changes previously negative attitude toward guy. If she is negative during approach, initial interaction or later in courtship she stays that way no matter what guy will do. In live interactions they are rude, bitchy, aloof or disrespectful and it just increases no matter what new tech or moment guy will choose. In online/text interactions they ghost immediately after 2-3 messages, no matter how message is interesting, non-pushy, polite and easy to reply.

I feel sad whenever I read comments like these, for the person who writes them, because you know that person's dating life is hard.

I have read many, many comments by men talking about how horrible most women are. I have also read many, many analogous comments by women panning men (on various Reddit boards and what have you; here's an article about how horrid men are to women, with a bunch of women commenting their bad experiences).

If you take these comments at face value, both most men and most women are absolutely loathsome people: bad dates, bad lovers, and almost all men and women are totally undatable, unpleasant individuals.

It makes you wonder how the species perpetuates itself at all.

Of course, the reality is most men and most women are actually just fine, normal, nice, pleasant people... but that people who have continually negative experiences cause this in others, or misinterpret that from others, almost always without realizing they're causing it or misinterpreting it.

Feeling approach anxiety? Here's how to warm up before trying your luck with the girl you desire.

Hey guys!

As I worked hard to get back into the game in July and August after a long period of lockdown, I realized the part of my game I struggled with the most was approaching.

After months of not socializing, I regained a bit of approach anxiety. I was uncomfortable going up to talk to strangers.

This was highly unusual for me, but extraordinary times generate the unusual. After all, I spent almost eight months not socializing.

Clearly, I had bad momentum (that’s why I wrote posts on bad momentum and how to get out of it). After much hard work, things started to go well again in August (four lays in three weeks), and in September, I was back in shape.

While working on this, I learned and bettered my game. After all, low momentum is the time when you learn the most.

However, as I was getting back in shape, I realized something odd.

Despite getting lays in August, I still struggled with approaching. I would get laid out of three approaches per night, and if I didn't approach or only approached once or twice, and they didn't work out, I'd get no results. It was a weird time since I'd either win big (get laid with a hot girl) or go home alone having barely approached. One weekend was particularly odd: I laid a super-hot 19-year-old girl on Friday, and the next day only ended up having two brief, inconsequential interactions. The contrast was huge, and it confused and frustrated me.

Self-monitoring allows you to adapt yourself to the people around you. It’s a good thing… but too much of it can really cramp your style (and the naturalness of your interactions).

If you've gone through my charisma course, Charisma In A Bottle (which, incidentally, I'll be re-releasing soon), you're familiar with the concept of 'self-monitoring'.

A self-monitor is someone who keeps a mental eye on himself, observing his own actions, making sure he is acting in 'correct' ways and not screwing things up.

Charismatic people are high self-monitors. While they might seem to be the most casual, relaxed folks out there, they are in fact carefully monitoring and adjusting their social presentation.

Dating is another area that turns men into high self-monitors. You go out to approach girls and you focus relentlessly on:

• How nervous vs. confident you seem
• Whether you approach from the right angle
• If you're delivering an opener she'll respond to
• If you're getting enough compliance from her fast enough
• Whether you've moved her soon enough
• Whether you're dominant enough
• Whether you're bantering enough
• What your value is relative to hers
• What your attainability is relative to hers

... plus a whole bunch of other things you are doing or that are about you.

And while this is useful for spotting your weak points and improving on what you want to improve at, it hobbles your ability to truly be in-the-moment with a girl and interact with her in a truly smooth, natural way.

Thus, some of the time, you are going to want to do things the opposite way, and turn your self-monitoring way down.

Arousal excites a girl with desire for you. Similarity fills her with trust in you. Yet most men focus more on one than the other… so, what happens when you do?

In romance, many men focus more on arousal, while many others focus more on similarity.

Arousal guys do a range of things to excite the women they talk to, such as:

• Touch them
• Flirt with them
• Move them around
• Look & act sexy
• Behave like bad boys
• Challenge them
• Turn things sexual
• Create scarcity
• Display preselection

Similarity guys do a range of things to make women trust them more, like:

• Establish rapport with them
• Get to know them very well
• Build deep rapport (deep diving)
• Look for commonalities with them
• Create isolation with them
• Foster an 'us vs. the world' feeling
• Look & act like a warm, genuine man
• Avoid being overly pushy or aggressive
• Qualify women on what they like about them

Both sides of a courtship are powerful, attractive, and necessary.

However, many men favor one area much more than the other, leading to what we might call 'lopsided seductions'.

I'll explain.

Hook girls in with these simple, effective tactics. A focus on what works to get girls hooking into their conversations with you, chatting and engaged.

Hey guys and welcome back. Last time I shared my opening cheat-sheet, where I gave you what I consider the most essential fundamentals in opening.

Today I will give you a similar cheat-sheet for hooking – basically the phase that takes place right after opening: the follow-up to your opener.

Because the purpose behind opening is to… open. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Yet that’s just a starting phase. A necessary one, sure, but that’s all it is.

The idea with a hook-phase is to get settled – to become one with the group you just opened. Go from being “that stranger” into becoming someone they know and enjoy. The hook phase is about getting them to want to keep talking to you – immerse them into you and your conversation.

If you lack a solid hook, the interaction will be on life-support while you struggle to get there, and will die off if you can’t. A solid hook lets you feel settled and gives you playing room to start the seduction process, setting frames and escalating the vibe.

You must be able to hook if you want to seduce.