Commenting on the post on building social status, a reader asks the following about how to be a warm person:
“Hi Chase, great site, great article. Could you discuss more about warmth? You discuss it quite often, but you could dive into this topic more in-depth? It's a powerful tool to use in all aspects of life, so your breakdown of this would be much appreciated!
Happy to oblige, Anonymous.
Back in 2001, a young female customer walked back into the tire store where I worked as a technician and salesman to complete a transaction she'd begun the day before with me. I wasn't there, so another salesman helped her. "That guy who helped me yesterday was nice," she told him, referring to me, "but I felt like he had bad intentions."
When this salesman told me she'd said this, I was surprised; I knew I'd adopted an edge over the past few years - it had been designed specifically to make sure no one would want to fight me, since I was always alone and frequently in dangerous situations. But I didn't think it was actually scaring off women.
I went to work trying to change it, but even a year later, friends on my college dorm room floor told me, "The girls on the 7th floor said, 'That kid with the red hair is scary.'"
When I heard this, the first thing I thought was, "All right. I've adjusted my face for men - to be intimidating and frightening - long enough. It's time I adapt myself for women instead."
Within a few years, I was regularly hearing things like the following:
"I only just met Chase, but I felt like we'd been friends for ages."
"It's so great hanging out with you; I feel like I can tell you anything."
"Spending time talking to you makes me feel like I can breathe."
How I figured out how to be a warm person and how I made the switch to that from "scary and intimidating" is what I'll detail in this post.