What Does She Want? The 8 Things You Must Ask Her

Early in my seduction career, I studied everything I could from the guys I considered the "top guys" who'd come before me. But I especially focused on the guys who really good were but who didn't know how to market themselves... essentially, the hidden gems of seduction.

What I realized was that the mainstream school of thought on picking up women was almost as dogmatic as mainstream society itself; while mainstream society believed in:

• Be nice to women

• Take things slow

• Just be yourself

• Pay for dates

• No sex until the third date

The pickup community at the time I entered also had its own tenets, chiefly:

• Follow the 3-second rule of approaching

• Seductions must unfold over 7+ hours

• You must be impressive and show higher value

• You must follow a "method" - certain steps and procedures, routines, etc.

• Fast seductions were "fools mates" and only happened with "easy" women

Which to me seemed a definite step up and an improvement from what mainstream society preaches, but... it still seemed a bit too limiting and contrived.

Why do you need some complicated procedure to "show your value" to women? Why do you have to go through some whole song and dance just to get girls?

I ended up searching out unconventional teachers and older guys in the community who'd largely vanished from the main forums and hang outs, convinced I could learn the things from them that the rest of the devotees of the social and seductive arts seemed not to know.

And by and large, I did.

And one of the greatest lessons I learned from these studies was how to find out the answer to the question "what does she want?" using a forgotten technique its originator called "eliciting values."

I'm going to teach you that technique today.

 

Both mainstream society and the pickup community share one common flaw in how they think about women: that women are all the same.

That they all think the same ways, and want the same things.

That their emotions respond identically to identical stimuli.

That their buttons can all be pushed to the same effect, if pushed the same way.

And it's not true.

Not by a long shot.

Here's what I mean -

Take a look again at some typical advice from mainstream society:

• Be nice to women

• Take things slow

• Just be yourself

• Pay for dates

• No sex until the third date

What's this assume? Well, it assumes that, no matter WHO you are or WHAT you're like or WHAT any particular woman may want or need or require in her life at any particular time, women universally:

• Do not like men who are jerks

• Do not like men who move fast

• Do not like men striving to be more than they are

• Do not like men who don't pay for them on dates

• Will not engage in sex with men prior to the third date

Meanwhile, take a look again at some typical advice from the pickup community:

• Follow the 3-second rule of approaching

• Seductions must unfold over 7+ hours

• You must be impressive and show higher value

• You must follow a "method" - certain steps and procedures, routines, etc.

• Fast seductions were "fools mates" and only happened with "easy" women

What's this assume? Well, this advice assumes that, once again, no matter WHO you are or WHAT you're like or WHAT any particular woman may want or need or require in her life at any particular time, women universally:

• Lose interest in all men who take longer than 3 seconds to say "hello"

• Are slow to warm up to men, and require time to become comfortable with them

• Are not interested in men until those men show them why they should be

• Are difficult to get, so you need a highly systematized procedure to get them

• Will not engage in sex with men earlier than 7 hours in (unless it's a "fools mate")

Both sets of advice share the same core assumption: that women are all the same and all want the same things.

Which is baloney.

Think about a man. Are there men out there who want nothing but a sex partner as fast as possible? How about men out there who want a committed long term relationship? How about men who want romance and adventure? How about men who want... anything?

Sure. You know there are.

Well guess what? The same is true for women.

And when you limit yourself to a core set of beliefs of "Women won't do this" and "Women always do that," you also limit your success with them - to only the women who want what you think they want.

 

What Does She Want? Well, It Depends

Further, both the mainstream and the standard pickup approaches forget that it depends.

A long time ago, in management training school at my first real job, I learned the management adage that "The correct response to every question in management is the answer, 'It Depends.'"

What does it depend on?

In the case of women, when you're asking yourself, "What does she want?" the question depends primarily on two things:

• Her, and

• You.

Let me give you an example.

Take Cassie. Cassie's an ordinary, run-of-the-mill girl. She's pretty, she did well in school, and now she's 23 years old, totally single, and working at her first post-graduation job. Imagine now that Cassie meets four different men, and ask yourself what she wants from each of them:

• A really nice guy who texts her all the time to talk and goes shopping with her

• A charming, suave man she meets who has a good career and is fun to be with

• An older, fatherly gentleman who's her boss at work and gives her good advice

• A saucy, edgy rock musician who plays in a local band at some of the local bars

What's she want from each of these guys? Is it the same thing... or could it be different?

Yeah, of course - obviously it's going to be different.

You don't need to take 4 years of women's studies to figure that out.

Now, if you know a thing or two about what women want, you'll know that for Cassie, our Average Jane, it isn't just somewhat different things she wants from each of these men, but often the fact is she wants some very different things from each of them:

• She wants to just be friends with the nice guy she talks and shops with

• She wants a relationship with the charming guy she likes who has a good job

• She wants her advice-giving boss as a platonic supporter and father figure

• She wants to hook up with the exciting, edgy rock musician, no strings attached

Why? Why does what she want differ for each of these men?

It's because they have different things to offer her.

The friendly guy's greatest value to her is as a friend.

The charming guy with a good job has potential to be a great boyfriend.

The boss's largest source of value to her life is as an advice-giving supporter.

And the rock musician's greatest value to her life is as an exciting hook up.

She's not going to get very excited about sex with the platonic guy friend or boss, after all... in fact, she'll cringe at the very thought of it! Conversely, she might be excited about sleeping with the charming guy... BUT, she doesn't want to risk losing what could be a great shot at a great relationship for something as trivial as a roll in the hay, so she'll make him wait, and try and get a relationship. The rock musician, on the other hand, she'd really enjoy sleeping with him, but if he wants to keep seeing her afterward he might find it doesn't last long, because he simply doesn't have much to offer an upwardly mobile career woman like herself aside from some cheap thrills and good sex.

One woman. Four different men. Four different things she wants from each of them.

Now, some questions to put this all in perspective. Let's say each of these four men would really like to date Cassie and have her as his girlfriend. Riddle me this:

1. Of the four men, which is best served by the mainstream advice - you know, "Be yourself, don't move too fast, pay for her on dates," etc.? If you said "the boyfriend prospect"... you'd be right!

2. And of the four men, which is best served by the pickup community advice - you know, "Show higher value, get 7+ hours of face and talk time with her, follow the method and do the right things," etc.? Again... it's the boyfriend prospect, isn't it?

Imagine the friend, boss, or rock musician trying to "just be themselves," take three dates before they do anything, and pay for dates for Cassie. The first two get written off as not attractive enough, and the third gets written off as not being nearly as sexy or dominant as she thought he was.

And it's the exact same story for the pickup community advice.

Both lines of recommendations - mainstream and pickup - would have you prove your worth to her; show her, over a series of time, why YOU measure up better as a prospective boyfriend than any other contender... why you BLOW the competition out of the water.

And unless you're Superman - unless you really are charming, and suave, and on-point, and you've got a great job, and do everything right - the only women you're going to get with either of these recommendations regularly are going to be women who are beneath what you should be getting in terms of looks, intellect, ambition, and personality.

The purpose of advice is supposed to be helping you to get past the competition. But both of these paths just tell you to assume all women are the same, all women want the same thing out of every man they meet, and to just wade in there and try to be the shiniest object in every category possible.

Whereas the whole time instead, you could've just asked yourself, "What does she want - really?" then become that, and skipped the competition entirely.

 

I mentioned earlier something I learned in management training. Well, here's something I learned in sales.

When I was new to sales, we learned about the four sales archetypes:

• Driver

• Analytical

• Expressive

• Amiable

Each of these archetypes has a different way of interacting with the salesman:

1. Drivers are very direct, speak loudly and firmly, and only want to know "what" something will do... they just want a basic answer, and don't want to get bogged down with details.

2. Analyticals, in contrast to drivers, want to know every little detail about a thing; how's it work, how long will it work for, what happens if it doesn't work, what are its ratings in this area and that area and the other area, how long is the warranty for, what's the warranty cover, etc. They're logical, methodical, and highly detail-oriented.

3. Expressives don't care so much about the product, per se - what they care about is YOU! They want to talk, bond, and form a connection - it's all about the human touch for them.

4. Amiables are the ones who just want everybody to get along. They're soft spoken, meek, and humble, and they aren't comfortable saying "no." Instead, they'll say "yes," and then just not do something if they don't want to do it. They are, in a word, agreeable.

And what would you think is the best sales tactic for each of these personality types?

Using the same sales strategy with each one?

Hardly.

It turns out that each disposition responds best to a salesman who ALSO has that disposition.

And in sales training, they teach you how to recognize these four personality types... and how to quickly assume their characteristics yourself to best sell to the prospect.

If he's analytical, hit him with details; make him feel like he understands every nuance of the product. If he's expressive, get to know him; make small talk, make conversation, and make him feel connected. If he's amiable, just be nice, and don't be too loud. And if he's driver, DO be loud, and be direct, and DON'T crowd him with details. Just tell him what it is, how much it is, and ask him if he wants to get started.

And women are just like this.

 

Becoming the Mirror

Women are highly socially attuned creatures. Much of the time, they serve as "mirrors" to the individuals around them, because this is how you bond and connect at a social level.

Essentially, a woman will normally quickly find out what you expect of women in general, and if she likes you and wants to keep you around her, she will become that around you.

So, if you think that women are all chaste little angels and that women who sleep with men quickly are horrible dirty sluts, a girl will quickly pick up on signs of this from you and she will act for all the world like a chaste little angel and have you believe that she is, even if, were you to ever find out her real history, or how many partners she'd had, or her true feelings about sex, you might well relegate her to your "Horrible Dirty Sluts" bin.

Conversely, if you think that women are wild crazy naughty things by default, and overly conservative women are more like nuns than girls, if a girl likes you she's going to show you this side of her personality as much as possible, even if she isn't exactly the wildest of the wild bunch.

Women are mirrors because it helps them attain their objectives with men, which are several fold:

1. Not suffer reputation damage that could impede future mating

2. Keep sufficient male support from diverse enough men as a survival mechanism

3. Find men to fulfill mating and relationship roles

They go in that order of importance. If a woman risks suffering reputation damage by being honest with you, she will not be honest with you. This means, if you're judgmental, you won't get the full story because you can't be trusted not to think poorly of her, and make her feel bad, or spread rumors about her to others.

If you're safe from causing reputation damage but you offer her enough support (see: "Can I Help You?"), her top priority becomes securing that support from you.

If you're no threat to her reputation, don't offer her much or anything support-wise, but do offer her reproductive value, then the doors are open to you for fast intimacy.

And depending on which stage you fall in, you'll see a different side of each woman.

1. Reputation risk: she'll act like the penultimate good girl around you, and chances are you'll never be more than just friends.

2. No reputation risk, but offer plenty of non-sexual value to her life: she'll act like a charming girl, coy and conservative, to keep you intrigued but at arms length, to make sure she has a steady supply of the value you provide without mixing sex (a risk factor for having things blow up and her losing your value) into it.

3. No reputation risk, not much non-sexual value on offer, lots of sexual value offered: she'll be direct, blunt, short with you; or entranced, enamored, and affectionate with you; or, if she's inexperienced, very nervous and excited with you.

But of course, that's all in how she reflects back to you what she sees in you. Obviously, you want to get her to #3 to have the best chance of getting together with her (and after you've slept with her, you can always start dialing up the non-sexual value offered to her as well if you want to move into a boyfriend role).

So how do you get her to see you the way you want her to see her?

By you becoming the mirror to her first, and allowing her to mirror you second, rather than you just being you and her mirroring you, as usually happens with men and women, and as happens in both the mainstream and the usual pickup community scenarios.

You want to find out the answer to "What does she want?"

And then, once you know it, you want to become it.

 

The Wrong Kind of Value

That archive of advice I dove into years ago was by a guy who used the handle "MrSex4uNYC," and he advocated using what he called "eliciting values" to find out what women wanted so that he could become it.

In a bar, or on a date at a coffee shop, he'd sit and talk to women... and just ask them who they were, what they wanted out of life, and what kind of men they dated and relationships they had.

And then he'd become it.

This interested me so much back then that I set out to learn it. My early attempts at building eliciting values into my conversations with women were one of the things that led me to deep diving.

Because the original poster on eliciting values didn't go much into his methodology, it was left to me to pick up the pieces and figure out how to do the actual execution on this on my own. Fortunately, breaking things down and putting them back together happens to be one of my stronger suits, so I set out doing just that.

Eventually, I boiled it down to a series of questions - questions I'd ask women in conversation to find out what they were really looking for.

I'd refrain from sharing too much of my own opinions before finding this out - when you don't know anything about her and you start spouting out opinions, this is how you turn off women you don't know very well yet and scare them away 99% of the time. It's where the pickup community goes wrong in its "show higher value" philosophy, because that philosophy isn't first preceded by, "find out what 'high value' IS to her... then show higher value." Mainstream society's advice seems to not make this mistake, but then you realize it doesn't actually give much advice about what to actually do with women at all, so this is hardly to its credit.

Yes, there are forms of universal value - these are your fundamentals that you can get down. Things like being a sexy man and being dominant with women and leading them.

Where most guys in pickup and in mainstream society alike go wrong though is launching into detailed stories about things that THEY think are high value... that the girl herself doesn't relate to at all!

So the guy think's he's showing how impressive he is... and the girl just thinks he's being a dolt. She gets turned off, leaves, and he wonders what happened. He thought he was so valuable!

But it was the wrong kind of value, because they didn't elicit out of her what she values first.

 

Eliciting Values: What Does She Want?

As I reverse-engineered the process of eliciting values, I eventually came upon 8 key questions I started to ask women every time before I'd go into sharing things about myself that would make her view me as impressive and valuable. That way, I only painted myself as valuable in ways that she actually valued.

When you adopt this strategy, you can save yourself a lot of wasted breath, and only show the sides of yourself that women will most relate to to them - thus becoming the kind of man they most want.

(and if you feel disappointed to not be able to share EVERYTHING about yourself right away, realize that this is only the initial courtship and mating phase - once she realizes that she likes you a lot and the two of you become lovers, you can show every side of yourself to her that you care to and she'll be a lot more open to and accepting of the whole of you than she was before the two of you were together)

Here are the questions you want to ask, and why you want to ask them:

1. “Is that what you want to do forever?” The reason you ask this - about her career, or her planned career, if she's in school - is to find out how ambitious she is. If she wants an ordinary 9-to-5 job for the rest of her life and you start talking about your dream of someday having your own lunar colony, you're going to lose her. Conversely, if she tells you she wants to be the governor of Oklahoma and you tell her you'd be happy to spend the rest of your life fixing vacuum cleaners, you'll lose her there too.

   Find out how deep her ambitions go - then relate to her on them.

2. “Have you traveled much, or do you want to?” If this is anything other than an emphatic "yes!" then you want to avoid the subject of travel like a plague. Some women find the idea of travel intoxicating and alluring - if this is the case, they'll make this clear as day the instant you ask about it, trust me. Then you're free to talk about traveling all you like and they'll view you as a man of romance and mystery.

   If, on the other hand, they think travel is weird and unusual and don't understand why anyone would want to do it, if you start talking about how well-traveled you are, guess what: now YOU'RE weird and unusual and unable to be understood! So, it's very important you broach this subject lightly first - and direct your conversation accordingly.

3. “When you've got free time, what do you do?” Let's say you play video games, work out at the gym, and take salsa lessons. If she plays video games and you talk to her about working out, she's going to think you're a big dumb jock and potentially out of her league. If she takes dance lessons, and you talk about video games, she's going to think you're a nerd. If she's a fitness nut and you talk about dance, she's going to think you're not serious about your body. Find out what she does with her free time, and talk about the most related things that you do, leaving the unrelated things out of the discussion altogether.

   If all her activities are boring, just get off this topic ASAP. No need for you to relate to her on boring stuff and convince her that you're every bit as boring as her. Boring people don't want to be around other boring people, they want people who can bring a little enthusiasm (that they can relate to) into their lives.

4. “Ever go on any crazy adventures?” This one's all about finding out how much of a thrill seeker she is. Generally speaking, the more of a thrill seeker she is, the bigger the green light you'll have to get sexual, move things fast, and be direct. The less of a thrill seeker she is, the more conservatively and cautiously you'll want to take things, and the less you'll want to talk about your own crazy adventures (and the more toned-down you'll want them to sound if you do).

   One exception: the girl who acts really bored at this question, like it's a big joke. THIS girl you can get sexual with and move faster on than almost anyone... as soon as you start picking up a relaxed "don't give a crap" attitude from a girl, that's a green light to move fast and be direct, because she doesn't like or tolerate longwinded conversations or much beating around the bush.

5. “How far do you usually plan ahead?” The reason you ask this is to gauge her reaction. If she starts going into some detailed answer on her long-term planning, she's analytical and methodical, which means you need to take more time with her, really break down what she's looking for in a man, and be that. If she acts confused or annoyed at the question, she's kind of ditzy; just change the topic. If she laughs and says proudly that she DOESN'T plan ahead, she's a thrill seeker who lives for the moment - so you'll want to generate excitement, fun, and a thrilling ending for your date.

6. “What was your childhood like?” This is another chance to find out more about her - was she a good student and a bookworm (in which case, she's most open to a captivating, romantic seducer who can bring to life the fantasies she read about so many times as a girl); was she a tomboy and troublemaker (in which case, you want to be more blunt and direct with her, and talk about some of the trouble YOU used to get in); did she have a rough childhood (in which case she needs a man to SAVE her, but you don't want to go overboard on this or she'll want to suck you into a long-term platonic savior role; instead, offer her words of condolence in an almost neutral voice tone to show you understand without becoming an emotional tampon).

7. “What do you think of me so far?” This gets you her feedback on you, and helps you gauge where you're at - she'll tell you things she likes (you'll want to amplify them throughout the remainder of the conversation, with subtlety), things she doesn't understand (you'll want to avoid them for the remainder of the conversation), or she may tease you or flirt with you (if there's a sexual vibe there, it's time to take her home).

8. “And is that good?” Ask her this after anything she says about you that's she doesn't attach a clear value judgment to (e.g., "Well, you're incredibly ambitious" when she hasn't mentioned whether she's ambitious herself or not yet). Remember to pay attention to her emotion, not her words ("Yeah, that's pretty good," said with unenthusiastic tones mean, "Not for me," whereas, "I think it's great," said with very warm tones means she likes it a LOT), and use this feedback to adjust accordingly.

You'll notice I left a few things out, specifically:

• “What kind of guys do you date?”

• “What was your last boyfriend like?”

• “Think you'll ever settle down?”

• “What's the longest relationship you've ever had?”

I've tested these and many other varieties, but they all tend to lead to the woman feeling like it's a higher-pressure "relationship evaluation" type date, where you're respecting her for how satisfactory she is as a relationship partner, or, conversely, what she looks for in a relationship partner. These questions cause her to slow down and place you in the prospective boyfriends bin.

For that reason, I find it's generally better to NOT talk about relationships at all during an interaction with a woman, and simply get to know what she's looking for in men indirectly through the 8 questions I outlined above.

That way, you as the conversationalist get your answer to "what does she want?" without having to actually come out and tell her you're trying to find out what she wants.

All that's left for you after that then is for you to simply become it.

Here's to being the mirror.

Chase Amante

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