Can't Stop Thinking About Her? Here's Why You Need to Meet More Girls | Page 4 | Girls Chase

Can't Stop Thinking About Her? Here's Why You Need to Meet More Girls

Chase Amante

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Chase Amante's picture

can't stop thinking about herYou know that feeling. There's this girl you've been chasing forever. You positively, absolutely, can't stop thinking about her. She's the most amazing woman in the world -- you're certain of it. There's never been another one like her.

Her laughter sounds like the delicate tinkling of the finest crystal.

Her voice sounds like the music of the heavens.

The sight of her sets your heart pounding a thousand beats per minute.

You know that if you could just get her, you'd be happy forever and you would never want anything else ever again. Maybe you're not even certain if you believe in marriage or soul mates or "The One" -- but maybe you'd make an exception to all of that for her.

You'd do anything for her.

Well, as you well know by now, I'm not the type to hold punches, sugarcoat things, or sell you fairytales wrapped in gumdrops. So, this isn't per se a post on how to finally get that girl you can't stop thinking about.

Instead, this is a post about how you can wrest back control of your heart, mind, and dating life -- and how you can get yourself to a place where you're truly happy bringing actual women of quality into your life, instead of sitting there pining away for a vision (built more from your ideas of an idealized version of a flawless her than on her her actual self) of That One Special Girl.

Comments

Anonymous's picture

Just wanna start of by saying what a great article that was. Now im hoping for some other peoples views.

I met her at work around 5 years ago now. At first she was another girl, no different from the others but we started talking one day n ive never got on with a girl that well. We kept talking and getting on better and better but for some reason I never felt a desire to make a move, incase I fucked things up. We talked non stop, hung out in spare time, there was a time when I spoke to her more than every1 else combined. We flirted a ridiculous amount and got on so well that I eventually thought it was a case of me plucking up the courage to ask her out n everything would go well. Well true sitcom style I decided one day I was gonna ask her out, but when I got to work the first thing people are talking about is that this girl was on a date last night. I felt devastated. I didn't dare ask her anything about it but she told me like it was nothing to her/me. Months went past, we still talked a lot but not as much outside of work. I kept harbouring hope they would split up as they wasn't getting on to well.

Like a year or so had gone by now when the big moment came. There was a work night out n I got very drunk. I confessed my feelings for her. She replied with 'if I knew before I started seeing him.....' which strangely give me hope. She said I was too valuable to lose as a friend, and like a moron I agreed to things essentially being the same as before.

Another year had gone. I hated the job I was in and quit. We still spoke after that but not to the same degree. We met up a few times for coffee and that was that. 1 day I decided this was stupid n stopped talking to her, giving her the cold shoulder. Whilst communications dropped alot she still tried to talk to me. Things continued like this, the odd text every few months. Id still get the feelings for her but cos it wasn't happening often I thought it was better.

Then out the blue, jan 2014 she text me saying she wanted a good friend to speak to as she had split up with her bf. I took this as a last chance saloon type thing and arranged to meet, hoping that this might b the time it happens.

So we go out. Getting on amazingly, better than anyone ever. Flirting, joking, having fun it was great. She tells me that theres a guy at work she likes n i feel like ive been punched. I tell myself what did you expect, just move on, you needed tonight. We went on to a club. We started dancing and we kissed. But she pulled away after a few seconds. I leant in again and she moved. I couldn't understand what had just happened so went outside to calm down. She follows me and I start saying what was that about. She says she sees me as her best friend and couldn't imagine being with me. I say my feeling are strong for her but ifafter 5 years its best that we dont see each other anymore as it stirs feelings up. She cries, says she doesn't want to lose me, but the convo goes nowhere. Texts the morning after are the same style. She understands y I want to cut her off but she loves me, as a friend.

Now im here, feeling terrible, cant stop thinking about her but dont know what to do. I know I need to move on but I cant help thinking what if? I have genuinly never got on with any1 as well as her. Am I doing the right thing? Advice is needed!!! Thank you.

Anonymous's picture

This article is a real eye opener, I've been pinning over a girl for nearly a year now, and its getting worse and worse, reading this really enlightened me and gave me inspiration and feeling of well being to go out in to the world and sort my self out, thank you for writing this and your work.

Anonymous's picture

Dude, seriously. Thank you. These words seem so insignifigant but all of this saved me from making even more mistakes...

Thank you man.

jay malhotes's picture

Hey chase, or anyone that wants to tai a stab at this. I had a girlfriend before i left for college, the summer before to be specific. She had been getting to know me the last half of my senior year. We went out and i made her mine. I broke her heart unintentionally by mentioning another girl who was interested in me at college orientation. I failed to realize how idiotic i was and I'm pretty sure i made her very insecure. she broke it off with me, but when i was in college miles apart shed try to Skype me. Her feelings must have still lingered, and i feel she got a rebound boyfriend soon after. anyways, I have transferred back to my home state to finish the last two years of school, and i can't stop thinking about her. I went to the mall to apologize halfway through my first year since she works there, but she spited me. After that I haven't kept contact with her. At this new school, however, the social scene sucks because its a commuter school. I have a few friends, but i keep thinking to myself that the reason i obsess over my times with her 3 years ago is because I feel lonely. I think about her and all the good times we had and feel terrible guilt for mentioning the other girl and felt I should have tried harder to maintain it. I messaged her recently asking her if we could ever get back together, and she's with this new guy now. She told me she doesn't miss me at all and that she isn't looking for a boyfriend( lol). She said she hopes we stay friends though. I told her once i become successful Id try again for her and i was sorry for what happened. She got annoyed and blocked me off Facebook. I literally cannot stop thinking about her, and it consumes me. People tell me i beat myself too much and that she should have talked to me more, but this guilt over hurting her and her not being here is pretty overwhelming. Not to mention this school which i don't like and living at home. Is it even worth it to consider the possibility of us meeting in the future? I was thinking of doing well professionally and then Facebook messaging her in a few years to get her out again, but i know this is most likely weird behavior. any interpretation would be good

Anonymous's picture

Throughout different eras of my life I would like certain girls and obsess over some of the hotter ones. The obsessions were at varying degrees and lasted anywhere from months with some girls to years with a couple others (the ones in school). Since I was never any good with girls I never once attempted to approach them. The one constant thing with every obsession was that I would always fantasize about being with them in a romantic relationship. Anyway some years later I was in the military and going through the chow line at my first duty station in Germany when I met eyes with one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. Funny thing was she seemed to be looking at me with the same attraction I was giving her. At any rate I still sucked with women so I never made a move. I really liked her though but this time I refused to fantasize about her and it worked. The one woman I should have obsessed over I didn't simply because I didn't allow myself to fantasize or think about her.

The reason I say I should have obsessed is because as it turns out she did like me as much as I liked her and I would later learn that she probably had been obsessing over me. One day I saw her at a club in another country (military business) and even though we'd only done hello type greetings at chow, she saw me, instantly broke conversation with her girlfriends and came right over and gave me the biggest sensual hug ever. So we started talking I tried to get her info where she was staying but it was too confusing and I had to leave. I didn't see her again and weeks later I returned to Germany. For a while I didn't seen her at chow so I thought she'd moved to a new base or something. Anyway in short time I found me a pretty hot German girl who looked like she could have been a model but she didn't hold a candle to my chow girl. Anyway I should have dumped the German girl for her but I was weak and didn't want to hurt her. One day I saw my chow girl at work with an engagement ring on her hand. I asked "are you engaged?" I can't recall exactly how she said it but she told me she was engaged to some Marine but the way she told me about it totally let me know that she wanted me still and that she hoped I would ask her not to marry him because she wouldn't if I would have asked. But I didn't. The most perfect ten in the world I let slip through my fingers because I didn't want to hurt some German girl. Now here's the funny thing, I sometimes still think about this girl, the what if's. It seems that by stopping myself from obsessing over her years ago I now occasionally think about her today. SUCKS.

Anonymous's picture

You always have to watch out of staying in the friend zone with women as well. I think alot of problems i have had with women relationshipwise is i am interpreted too much as a friend. I can remember a couple of years a go i contacted a girl that i had not seen since elementary school because she moved. When we were in school together it seemed like she was irritated by me. HOWEVER.. when i contacted her and talked to her she explained to that admitted that i was annoying, but she said it was in a cute kind of way.
Looking at how attractive she is now it really made me think, did a girl like her have a thing for Me at one time?

Jay95's picture

All I can say is, you're spot on Chase.
I'm at uni halls of residence and yeah as you've pretty much described there's a girl who, yeah..I can't stop thinking about...Until I read this! Your article puts it perfectly...can't stop thinking about her; fantasizing about going out for dates with her, watching a movie, cuddling, kissing and yeah...we get it.
Thing is- We get on so well, she's beautiful, smart, funny and her smile just...I can't describe how it makes me feel. She's flirty as well, that's the annoying thing; she's a naturally flirtatious person, but my mindset just makes me think "Oh wow she's smiling and flirting and talking in what I see as a seductive tone-I'm in there!"-No-just no, she does it with everyone. The furthest I've got is a kiss on the cheek when I bought her a drink on a night out for her bday, but I actually value her time spent with me and her smile more.
We've had some deep conversations. About other people and us. I've already written enough so I'll be brief- She's best friends with a girl at my halls who, yeah she's a great laugh but...She's in the league below, It sounds harsh but it's true! the other night 'The Special One' was saying that I fancied her less attractive friend, I was obviously stunned and very indignant-I honestly have no attraction to her!
But what I've noticed from that and at other points is she's made very jealous very easily. I'm friends with another attractive girl in my halls, but friends only. I was talking to her once and I could just tell off my crush's body language she was so jealous and she couldn't keep her eyes off us, acting all nervous and demoralized.

Anyway, to round off I feel like in some ways she does like me and seem flirty, a group of us will be watching a film and she'll usually sit next to me and lean on me and act all soft and flirty- But nothing's ever come of it.
I feel like I hate the fact that I like her, I know it's a waste of time....until she'll talk to me, and then I'll just melt, The best way I've found of describing it is that she's like a drug- I'll spend time with her and I'm high, top of the world. Then when she's gone, I can't stop thinking about her, almost like withdrawals.
Thanks very much for your article anyway very very helpful!!

PhilippinesUSAlover's picture

So this girl who am i not gonna say the name "gabriela" is a Spanish girl grew up in USA, she's not the usual Spanish girl average, she's like those mix white and filipina girl with a brazilian actress face and has big boobs and butt, I'm talking about a 16 yr old girl slim who plays soccer. So i had a crush like 2 years and tried to talk to her, look at her in the hallway (like a weirdo/didn't notice my self before) but it seems like she thinks I'm a creep (can't blame her, i am a little bit like most of the guys) but i wasn't doing anything wrong, i was friendly and true, but yea i tried to forget her and finally did but after 2months she showed up again and I'm in love again, i tried to look at her fb, she's not that pretty but i still like her when i already moved on and have girls flirting on me. I feel like she controls me even though we don't talk anymore, i have billions of pretty friends but why the heck do i like her, 3yrs now

Anonymous's picture

From a girl's perspective.

So, I happened on this site to find out if a guy I'm seeing is truly interested. A few red flags had me doing some research.

The best advice I was ever given is that "our fantasies are sometimes more enthralling than reality." You have wanted her for so long that you have had time to build up this false image of her. Try to remember why you were so attracted to her to begin with, other than her looks. If it was the sport, then try to find someone at a game or join a league. I agree with the author, it really is about the chase. My question is what the h*** do you guys do with them when you do catch them?

Bit of advice I recently shared with a college friend of mine. Don't get seriously involved until your both older than 28 no matter how mature you both are. Our female minds mature quickly, but we don't figure out what we truly want until 28. Good luck!

PhilippinesUSAlover's picture

Ok so the last post that i did was embarrassing, too many grammatical errors and i have no idea why,, typo maybe? But anyways, thanks for the reply, i don't like her anymore and your right, i fell inlove with her not because she's super pretty slim sexy but because on that day when we first saw each other, i saw her with her cool friends then she stand up and went to the tables of special kids and made them laugh, my heart warmed up so fast when I saw that Not all pretty girls have Bitches attitude, there's still pretty people their with a golden heart. I love her now as a friend and that will never change, thank you, case close

Anonymous's picture

Dood, I used to fall in love with very rare "Brasilian" looking girls in Australia and obsess over them because they were so rare until one day I actually went and visited Brasil and Oh My God man there are 50 of them in every single street in Brasil, literally 50 million of them in the whole country.

Just go visit Brasil if you love that kind of woman look. I lived here now for 7 years and am in paradise.

You know when you live 200 meters from the beach but never go to the beach? Why do you live near the beach then? Well, just because if I want to go to the beach I CAN go to the beach. Not because I have to go to the beach but because I just like the fact that I CAN if ever at any moment wanted to.
That is what it is like living amongst an ocean of those brasilian women man. Oh my God. Just heaven.

Anonymous's picture

This article may just have saved me from doing something so stupid. I lost sight of myself as a MAN - I was definitely obsessed - but in a more pragmatic sense as opposed to completely emotionally invested. What i'm saying is, instead of wallowing in a corner trying to figure out why she doesn't want me, I was more focused on why do I want her so much? Then I cam across this article and holy shit, did it open my eyes. Word for word, I could relate and i'm happy to say i'm back in the game. I'm meeting a girl tomorrow as I write this and have another one coming over next weekend. I don't even know how to thank the internet for this lmao seriously, more dudes needs to see stuff like this - I thought I was going nuts at one point!

Anonymous's picture

I am totally obsessed over a girl I dated twice 30 years ago at 18 years old, she was unbelievably beautiful, I still have a picture of her, I think and even dream of her, ive even found her on facebook, and while her body is still hot her face has totally changed not old, just not fine, I friend requested her, and she took her page off FB, I found her again under her brothers friens list and just have asked him to ask her to call or email me. going back to when we dated we went to the drive-in both times and the first time fooled around sexually somewhat, the next and last time she gave me the chance to have sex with her but I was to drunk, and her parents seen that also, and wouldn,t let her date me anymore , I never saw her again, could this be because of unfinished business, I want to see her just for a one time sexual adventure, and I think I would be fine, but since that will never happen, we don,t even live near each other now she is in tennesee im in Michigan, so how do I stop being infatuated about her, it is driving me nuts or I wouldn,t be writing this, it was a tease the first time we did have some sexual fun, but the second time she was willing to go all the way, honestly if I could see her I would tell her that I need her just once to free me from this infatuation, any comments please contact me, Thank You

Styles's picture

Yeah right, as if there are women out there just dying to meet me...

I may be feeling like a drug addict all "thanks" to my female friend who I am crushing on, and even if she is the reason I feel like shit every day (for not being able to be with her), she is also my only reason to live... to wake up every morning and continue this "fight" instead of putting a bullet through my head, because I know, it would hurt her and that she would miss me, albeit only as a friend...

Probably nobody will read this comment, as the article is almost 3 years old, which is fine I guess

TheGuyReadingYourComment's picture

Yeah, I just read your comment. If i were able to read this comment, probably, there are indeed women wanting to meet you :)

Grins's picture

http://www.theguardian.com/science/2010/sep/15/price-love-close-friends-...

This study is really interesting and I think anyone who can relate to this article will find it eye opening.

Anonymous's picture

I am 24 and have had a girlfriend since I was 15. When I was 16 me and my girlfriend took a break and I fell in love with her ex friend named Marina. We went on one date and I should of kissed her then. Everyone around us knew that both of us liked one another. When I went away to College Marina said it wouldnt work out with the fear of me breaking her heart I guess. I really wish she hadnt because I pictured my life with her and still do if it was ever meant to be. When I was away at College we kept minimum contact and I probably told her I wont bother her anymore. I cant really remember. Recently these old feelings came back like a exploding volcano that has been dorment for years and I cant stop thinking about her. I am stupid for doing this but I sent flowers to her job and wrote to her on instagram and linkedin. But have gotten no response. Marina has a bf now I guess for a couple of years. And funny little part to this. I had a wedding in May to go to and my other friend invited me to Maryland. I went to the wedding and my friend ran into Marina in Maryland. Talk about luck. Also when I started my instagram I found her and I posted something about regrets and she liked it and then she posted within the same hour about regrets and this went back and forth for a full day and then she deleted all of hers. My friends call me crazy because we are both in relationships. But I think there is something there. But I guess will never know.....
and just like this post states, I would do anything to have her and be with her.

Obsessed50001's picture

What if I don't find any other woman attractive...like anyone?! I mean, um so obsessed with this girl (and she is damn pretty, not just according to me...) everyone else just seems ugly compared to her! Fuck it, i even broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years just so that i can have this girl! But every time i went to approach her, i chickened out...now, semesters over and i wont be able 2 see her for 2 more months...fuck, um going crazy man :(

Andy's picture

Just want to say THANK YOU! Really help me look at 'obsession' in a different light. Really appreciate you sharing your own experience.

Anonymous's picture

I most certainly have an obsession with a girl, but my circumstances are different and I need help. Three years ago me and this girl fell in love, but due to financial reasons a move had to be made and we were separated. Unfortunately for me, she doesn't believe in long term relationships. The problem doesn't really lie in the fact that I'm not willing to do anything, it's in the fact that I can't. I have tried to move forward, but anytime I think I have begun to like someone new, I feel dirty and deceitful, and quickly distance myself again. Though I am somewhat happy with my friends and my regular aspect of life, I continue to see my friends date and be extremely happy, and it pains me greatly, Dunno if anyone here has experienced anything similar, but I would Appreciate any help I can get.

Ozzie's picture

Obsessing over one girl who likes you too isn't necessarily a bad thing if you see things in her you like other than her good looks. If you two share interests and have similar dreams, it's all fair game.
There's so e good points of note here though

Anonymous's picture

I feel like you are my friend. Thankyou this helped me so much.
I actually did have her, physically for three years,but still never felt like I had her
literally, in the classic sense of soul-mate, best friend, and kept trying
always to win her even though I was in her bed every night.
Exactly like that trick on the young boys with those Unseen Until You Buy
monsters or cards or characters of any type - A simple commercial trick
and then we play the game even on ourselves once we grow up.

Indeed, the monster in our pocket.

So well written man, very good. Thankyou so much for this post.

Incognito's picture

Thank you for this article.. I think.
Somehow I thought I was alone in feeling like this.. that's pretty dumb of me, I know.
It's going on 5 years now with The One Girl of mine, and I'm unhappy to see that I have -all- the symptoms you've described, although I've had relationships with other girls during those 5 years... but always keeping a keen eye to see if maybe she gets jealous.
She doesn't. And of course, those relationships failed because I really wasn't in to them.
I seem to be completely stuck in the friend-zone.

FUCK.

how do I get out of this mental prison ?

Anonymous's picture

I've really been enjoying your writings Chase! I have learned a lot and my luck with women has greatly increased based on your teachings.

Now to my question. I have a new co-worker, she just started a month ago. When I initially met her, I didn't really have much attraction to her. I was responsible for training her for the position. In the last few weeks, I've gotten to know her as a very sweet, kind, and very beautiful girl. She always smiles at me, initiates conversation with me (asks personal questions), and always...always laughs at all of my jokes (they're corny!)We also are completely alone when we work together 4 days a week, with no one else in the building.

I'm starting to feel like I'm falling for her. The other day she asked if I had a Snapchat, and we traded usernames. I then straight up asked her for her number and she gave it to me, while violently twirling her hair! I still don't officially know if she likes me back romantically, and I do want to ask point blank...but:

Here's the tricky part, she's only 18 and i'm 27...nearly 10 years apart! Also, since we work together it's a bit of a hot button issue. Additionally, working 4 days a week in such close quarters, makes it a little hard to simply stop thinking of her!

I have been talking to several different attractive girls like you said, but I still can't get the girl from work out of my head! Maybe it's a combo of spending so much time together and thinking there's a chance that she does like me. It feels like it could be, but I really don't know!

Please...Chase..or anyone... I really need some advice! Should I make the gamble and ask or just move on? Do you think in my case maybe it might be more than a simple crush? Thank you!

ESNJ360's picture

Bro I needed to see this seriously! Over the past year I thought I really was in love with this girl (I do care about her don't get it twisted) we eventually built a friendship but I've always wanted more out of it. I'm no good too shoes Christian boy neither and I'm in college I should be getting girls in my bed every other weekend (facts). However because I got all caught up with her, I was limiting myself. Yea she's cool, pretty, and fun but the stern fact is I got friend zoned and got a mental kick to my nads. I've known this for quite sometime but I needed to see this thank you! Every guy that's been in this position knows it's sucks. So from here on out, I'm introducing myself to every woman I meet, and make myself feel like the man I know I am. Good luck gentleman

Anonymous's picture

Here's a question. Would the mind set and logic of this article apply if its a girl you had, broke up with and now realize you we're the one messing it up? True story, i met a girl, we were together for a while, i got in my head about the relationship and called it off. Its been a few months, i've tried to be with other girls and i'm just not feeling it. I invested a lot of emotion into the relationship, was the one to call it off, for originally reasons of her doing, but I knew I had several faults myself. I've spent time identifying my flaws, and working on them, but now i find myself wanting her back. I can take alot of what was mentioned in the post and put it to my situation, it still applies. Because i find myself wanting her again. I'm trying to avoid over analyzing this and not letting this consume my mind, but i feel as though breaking it off was more of taking a break so i could get my shit together. Thing is, i don't know if I should move on as it's more or less suggested through a good chunk of the post, or should i take a stab again? Any suggestions/insight? This is a random blind shot in the dark...

Anonymous's picture

So I've known this girl I work with for a year now, I didn't think much of her in the beginning and as time went on I found myself drawn to her. We began to talk and we started to hang out a lot.. Eventually I told her how I felt about her, she grinned and said she wasn't ready for a relationship which is understandable, it was about 3 weeks after that we had done the dirty deed and we still hang out every so often.. My question is this.. I really like her and I want to be with her but I dont think she feels the about me in the same sence as I do her. What's some advice on how to move forward.

StevenS's picture

I went on a first date with this amazing girl. We text a lot. However, she's overly busy throughout the day, so I dont hear from her much until after she's done work. After our first date, we both agreed we had a good time and that we'd like to see each other again. However, she said she doesn't want to make any promises she can't keep. What does this mean? We're taking things slow, because that's what she wants. But I don't know how slow she wants to take it, can you guys help me?

StevenS's picture

She says she wants to take things slow because of a past relationship. She says she hates being used and doesn't use people. She doesn't want to get hurt or to hurt anyone. I'm lost, please help. Is it bad to get too caught up over her so soon?

Anonymous's picture

Slept with her like 5 times and am obssesing HARD over her but she doesn't know. Told her we should hang out tonight, supposedly she's busy this weekend but is gonna let me know when she's off. Haven't gotten a text back since around noon. How did I get here Fml.. time to completely ignore anything that ever happened between us to keep my sanity for my other priorities. . This really sucks

Anonymous's picture

You have mentioned that you have a girlfriend. When you looked at that old picture of your past crush, you felt nothing. I wouldn't agree with you. I had chances to meet some girls that were not bad. But something was wrong. I didn't wanted to be with them because I wanted my crush more. If I were in relationship with any of girls I've met, my crush would still be prettier because she was that "special someone" and her life isn't even something amazing. She was just special. My point is, I liked my crush more than any other girl and I just want to be with her more then any other girl no matter how pretty she is.

I know, people already told me that I need some psychical help.
I questioned myself:"How much can you love someone?" I must tell you that i still don't know the answer, but i guess i love my crush way too much.

Anonymous's picture

I know this comment may be irrelevant, since it looks like this article has been around for a couple years, but here's what I've got, if anyone sees this.  Any advice would be very much appreciated!  I met this girl by complete coincidence, actually; we were both commenting on a mutual friend's Facebook post when the conversation somehow turned to Lord of the Rings (a non-harmful obsession that we both share.  We both write in Elvish and have extensively read all Tolkien's works, even down to the more obscure corners of facts and history.)  We added each other as friends and began messaging each other, because our mutual friend knew nothing about Lord of the Rings and our conversation was spamming his notifications.  Upon talking further, we found out we're also both musicians, (I'm a music major, she plays at her church and has a great appreciation for classical music too) and last but definitely not least, we're both devout Catholics.  As a bonus, we're both considered the "weird ones" in our families. :P  It's funny because it's incredibly rare to find someone with all those same interests, and all to the same extent!  Naturally, I was super excited to have met this girl!  I was also slightly cautious, because earlier that very same day, I'd finally shaken off an ex girlfriend who'd been unhealthily obsessed with me and stalking me for the last 4 years after we broke up.  When we'd first met 6 years ago, all seemed well and we were excited to get to know each other because we shared many mutual interests too.  But after a while, when things turned for the worse, to make a long story short, I learned that for your own safety, you can't become fully emotionally invested in somebody until you really know them very well.  Things can get bad fast if you get too comfortable too soon.  Because of that experience, I always keep my guard up before getting too close with anyone now.  When meeting this new girl, I also felt a little bit guilty, because for the past 2 or 3 years I'd been pining over another girl who I've been good friends with for a long time.  We'd gone on a couple almost-kinda-unofficial dates, but nothing beyond that really happened.  I felt bad because I didn't just want to leave her behind so suddenly when I met this new girl, since I'd invested a lot of time and emotion over her, but a lot of it was simply what the above article described, just pining over her from afar, but never really acting.  Anyway, that establishes a background for what things were like when I met this new girl recently.  We began talking a lot via Facebook since we became friends, not just about Lord of the Rings or music or Catholic things, but just about anything and everything in general.  From the time we first started talking right around the new year, we talked every night over the rest of winter break from 10 pm to about 2 am.  It was all fun, random, spontaneous conversation, and I felt like I was getting to know her pretty well, despite the fact that I'd still never seen her in person.  After about a month, she even asked to meet up sometime soon so we could finally meet each other and be properly introduced.  It was a really great start!  But at the same time, I still had my guard up in my my mind, remembering that the other bad situation that I just finally rid myself of started off great too, before turning bad.  But I decided it seemed like this girl wasn't like my ex, so I agreed to meet her.  When we met the first time, it was absolutely great, and any nervousness or concerns I had were gone.  Over the past two months, we've been meeting up several times to do lots of random, fun things: nature walks, antique shops, Disneyland, tide pools, or just talking over lunch or dinner. There've been a lot of really good moments, and sometime along the line when I decided in my mind that it was safe to let my barriers down a bit, it hit me all at once.  Not only do I like her and really enjoy being with her, but I feel like I'll be heartbroken if I don't act soon enough and some other guy comes along and wins her affection before me.  I don't want to move too fast, because that's exactly how things went sour with my ex, but at the same time I want to ask her out on a date soon before I lose my chances with her.  As a result, I get a bit of anxiety in the back of my mind every time we say goodbye, thinking that before we see each other next, some other guy will have already made a move.  Even though things are going really well with us right now, that thought keeps eating at me, and I don't know whether it's just a normal, typical concern, or some kind of obsessive, irrational fear.  I'm sometimes able to calm the anxiety by thinking about the times when she's with me though, as cheesy as that may sound.  I'm all into chivalry stuff, and it makes me feel good being a gentleman and treating her like a lady.  Whenever I get the chance to do something chivalrous, she lets me know she appreciates it, and whenever we're having a good time doing whatever, seeing her smile and knowing that she's happy when we're together means the world to me, and to me anyway, that's the highest form of satisfaction.  When I think about that, it relieves my anxiety for a while because it reassures me of my chances with her.  The one thing that concerns me though is the fact that thinking about her is the only way to get rid of anxiety about not being with her.  I feel like it might lead to an unhealthy dependence on being with her, or is it only a normal concern that happens to everyone?  I just don't want to develop a dependence, because that's what happened with my ex, and that's exactly how things went wrong.  Well, now that it's all out there, advice anyone?

Anonymous's picture

I can relate a lot to this article, this is exactly what I needed to hear. My situation is a bit different, as we live in different countries and I cant physically go out with her. But I told her about my feelings and well she didn't feel the same. I was always texting her, trying to impress her, win her heart, but nothing worked. Then one day I told her that I found one of her social account, which I wasn't meant to find. Then she blocked me on one of the primary mediums we were communicating on. But I just couldn't understand what was so wrong about what I did. So, I kept sending her messages on every site she had me on. She called me a weirdo, creep, stalker, psycho. It was so bad she even threatened to call the police. But I still didn't stop. Now she blocked me on every site. I still am confused, because she did like me a lot at the beginning. I hope someone can help me

That Sweet And Optimistic Woman's picture

Hi gentlemen and ladies (if there are any reading this). Thanks Chase for this amazing insight. This applies to both genders. Yes, I'm a 29 yo woman and I'm at the end of the tunnel. I do see the light. We all know why we ended up on this website. We are looking for a cure of some sort to get rid of our obsession over someone special.

Sucks to be in this boat. But remember everyone it's the journey that counts. We all can learn from this lesson. If that one special person is NOT YOURS now and or doesn't plan to be in the future then move on.

My story briefly: at first he "that one special person" was the one obsessing over me. A bit creepy. But I know that he was just super infatuated with me. And then finally I gave into my emotions. We were in bliss for a period of time. Next, we dwindled. He disappeared every now and then when I was willing... Blah blah and blah.

Our time was short together; perhaps a lustful 2 months or so. I made sure it wouldn't go any further than that. And I knew exactly what to do right after to forget us. It's so sad, because "we could have been something great." <= sounds familiar, right? I chuckle, in a sincere way, at it now. It's been a month since I last chatted with him. And I'm so proud of myself because I can say now that I'm almost done with forgetting him completely as "that special one." He will soon be one of those guys in my life as a memory.

I have a gazillion things to say about my story and about how I like to work the system in my favor. However, I'm here to acknowledge that we are all human. So yes, act a little obsess or crazy sometimes. Just don't prolong this fantasy.

Remember how to separate reality from fantasy. Once you achieve that then you're golden. Obsessing over someone is not healthy. If you do find yourself unintentionally doing so, release it ASAP. Give it a few weeks. Mope it all out and then get back on your feet. No ONE can ever have it their way when there's TWO people involved. After, you can actually go out there and find the real deal. There's no such thing as a "dream girl" or "Mr. Perfect."

In our minds we like to judge, label and categorize things or people to whatever our liking. Once you put someone on the pedestal, you have the power to take them down. It's all up to you.

- J

Anonymous's picture

"Once you put someone on the pedestal, you have the power to take them down."
Powerful... really.

That Sweet And Optimistic Woman's picture

Thanks.

Swimcito's picture

this article is excellent but speaks about a girl that you havent got or wasnt "yours"

But what about a girl i was with but she broke with me... But i still think that she is like the best girl ive ever see...

I mean man, whenever i was around with this girl i was so crazy for her and it was reciprocuous... at least at first, one day we fucked 4 times and i was like i couldnt have enough.. I cant stop thinking i will never again get that... You know what i mean ?

pavicky's picture

most girls nd guyz dont knw wat love mean.God help us all

Anonymous's picture

Possibly the most important article ever written about women. On this website and on any other I've ever read. (This is probably one of the few credible websites I've ever read anyway.)

i looked around at all the comments and all the stories, and of every guy who thought he was different. And I saw myself in each of them. I've read this article before and I wasn't sure if I had commented on it the last time, so I was searching through for a comment that looked familiar. Guess what: 50% of these guys could have been my story, and I had to read through past the first few lines before I could tell they were written by someone else.

And so that is how I know that Chase here isn't just talking out of his hat. There are hundreds of posts here that show there are so many men in the same situation, and when I see their posts I realise how they've been lead on, and how I have been too. And for many, as for me, there were mixed signals and many somewhat good reasons to think there was ambivalence. But from experience of watching others I know that none of them are likely to work out. And neither will mine.

2 years and still trying to move on - I had one short thing with another girl in the middle, but I lost momentum after that and starting missing the first girl again. I needed to read this article again to remind me of reality and the steps I need to take to move on. Thanks

Isaac hodges 's picture

I love your article I can relate to it in so many ways. But I'm in a tough situation I've been so crazy about a girl for about 5 years now. Their hasn't been a day I don't think about her, and I can't control it no matter how hard. After about 5 years of dreaming over her she finally started showing interest in me. Things went fast she broke up with her boyfriend after dating him for 3 years. During that time we always hung out and talked constantly. We had sex 2 weeks after she broke up with him so I thought she really liked me a lot, and my dreams were coming true. The girl I always thought about and thought I could never get finally I thought she liked me. We talked a lot and hung out and showed affection for like 2 months after her breakup so I thought things were going well. Then slowly she just stopped putting in effort talking to me and didn't want to hangout anymore. I did nothing bad to her. Why would she just stop talking to me? She acted like she was into me so much. She immediately stared hanging out with another guy and I told her my feelings about her and how I was so frustrated about her just ignoring me and hanging out with other guys. This girl means the world to me and I had her for a little after 5 years of dreaming about her. She never wanted to be more than friends and then all the sudden she did. Why would she just stop talking to me after always wanting to talk hangout. We would show affection a lot but she told me she didn't want a relationship. Why would she go as far as to have sex with me and then just stop showing interest?? I would do anything for this girl and don't think their will be another like her:(

Anonymous's picture

So uh this girl i know i realy like her but i didnt know if she did so we kissed about a week ago and i realy felt a spark she does have a boyfriend though and she doesnt like talking about it anymore so what should i do?

Anonymous's picture

Not sure if anyone still reads the comments, but I'd like to give Chase her a huge shout-out for giving me "life-saving" advise.

Needless to say, I was getting way too hung up on this one girl (as Chase accurately mentions, she was the hottest girl, cutest girl, best girl, most-innocent, can't stop thinking about her about 900 times a day, etc etc) to that point I was actually dreaming of her and fantasizing about the wonderful future we would have together, including the two kids we would have ... but yes, thankfully, I came across this article whilst my obsession was only a week in - it was ramping up to such poisonous levels too.

Fortunately, in this day and age we have social apps like Tinder and Plenty of Fish which really makes life so much easier.

As soon as I read this article and identified these poisonous signs, I knew I needed to act. Quickly.

So I hopped onto Tinder, starting meeting and chatting up new, wonderful girls (apart from the weirdos you do run into from time to time), and actually managed to break the obsession almost instantly - granted, I had other things to keep me busy like gym, house-hunting and what not - but still it was a miraculous moment for me to just break this barrier, as this will inevitable prepare me for the future when the next "perfect" girl comes by(which probably won't happen anymore with this "magic" formula).

Anyway my point is, to the rest of you guys out there, the things I did MAY work for you as well:

1) Keep yourself busy. Busy with work, with studies, with sports ... anything that gets your blood pumping, and keeps your mind engaged.

2) Get on a social dating app, like Tinder, or eHarmony or what's available in your country. As sleazy as it sounds, in this modern day and age, young people do not have to time to simply meet people outside work, thus many girls and guys take to these apps to meet new people. I was highly skeptical of these apps but after trying it out (because Tinder is free, all you need is a Facebook account), I haven't regretted since.

3) Stop thinking about that hot guy banging your girl. There's plenty of other things to think about. In my case, I kept shaking my head whenever such vile thoughts popped into my mind. If you were sitting next to me, you would see me shaking my head about 3 times a minute (getting less and less as time goes by).

Anyway, all the best guys, break out of that obsession, and mad props to the author Chase for writing such a wonderful article.

Best regards

Anonymous's picture

Man, I've been so depressed these days like never ever before. I got involved with a friend and got to know she had a crush on another guy which really pissed me off. But I kept on trying, trying to get her somehow closer to my arms. Last week we even had lunch together and that's when I got hold of her hands and started staring at her eyes, sweet talking, no kisses... ok that worked pretty fine til yesterday when she came up to me and said she wasn't sure about ''us'' and that she still liked the other guy but at the same time felt attracted to me in a way she couldn't explain, like, she wanted me around. I can't help but think about her and what we could be in the future. Any tips on how I should handle it??? Thanks in advance!

By the way, I'm brazilian, greetings from Brazil!

Anonymous's picture

How to deal with this situation if you already are sleeping with her and you're also sleeping with other girls? She keeps coming over but I can't stop thinking of her when she's not around. I don't want a relationship at the moment if I look at things in a logical way. But when she leaves I'm always wondering if she's with other guys (I know she is) and such because she is really the best I've ever had in my life. I've made sure she doesn't know I really like her so she's still chasing me in a way. I don't want to be limited to just one girl, at least not in this stage in my life, but I can't get her of my mind. The other girls I'm seeing don't mean that much to me. It's like logic vs emotion.

Mika's picture

Wow,this basically describes me but a little twisted in my case,I was hung up on two girls for 3 years and did a lot of white knighting in both cases,never had a clue about the escalation window. It's nothing compared to the eight you had and I thank you for not pulling any punches and opening my eyes alittle more. Gotta stop falling for party girls lol

Anonymous's picture

Hi,

Pocket Monster toys eh ?

Should I tell her there is a Monster in my Pocket ?

I know a girl who's facial dimensions consist of mathematical golden ratios and equilateral triangles.
So much so, she looks like a cartoon princess created in a laboratory.
I find this hinders conversation.

Anonymous's picture

Monsters In My Pocket were the nuts!! Just sayin, I'm gonna stop thinking about this girl by actually becoming a Monsters In My Pocket collector.... MAN I LOVE THOSE THINGS :)

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase, I'm new to your articles, and I'm really enjoying them. They make a lot of sense. So I thought I'd ask your advice on this situation I'm in.

I had a great date with a girl from a college student club we’re in. The date wasn’t great at first, a little slow, but in the middle we started hitting it off. I kissed her and we started to make out, but I ended it after about 10 or 15 seconds because I was under the impression that it’s best to “leave something to be desired” or some crap. So we held hands until I walked her home. Then we kissed another 10 seconds or so, and I cut that short too. Unfortunately, she was very slow to respond to texts after that date (she was never timely with texting, to be honest), and when I saw her again a few days later at school, she claimed she was too busy to go out that week.

After reading some of your posts, I realize I probably shouldn’t cut any make-out session short; if anything, escalate it (correct me if I’m wrong here). But why would she not be interested in going on a second date if the first one seemed so good? She never tried to pull away from me; if anything, she tried to prolong it.

Also, keeping in mind she’s in my club, should I persist and ask her again? Or just leave it where it is and move on to other girls? I can see how some of the advice from your posts might apply differently in situations like this where you'd be interacting with the girl for a long time after your dates.

Thanks.

Edvard's picture

Allright. Not to be judging or negative, but i just see all of you guys talking about you're amazing ex girlfriend. When you share you're stories they had cheated on you or say things that are really mean or crazy and some other things that my girlfriend never would do. I had the perfect woman. We never fight, we had it perfect. I was the one who broke up because i didn't think it would lead anywhere. When i broke up i realized what i've done. Almost 7 years has passed (almost as long as the guy who wrote this article) and she is still in my head. I would do anything just to get her out of my mind. It's driving me insane... insane..

Edvard's picture

Maybe i've just failing in falling. I've been with 4 girlfirends and i waited a week before i got togheter with them. We were all in love, but after 6 months, all of my realationships have ended. It's like the "in love" part and when that ends i just get tired and its kinda boring. I'd rather hang out with friends and smoke cannabis then hang out with them at the end. Because in the end, there was no feelings left. So my big question is. Would it be just the same if i go back to her? Would 5 minutes with her reminds me why i break up with her? 7 years have passed and im changed.. it's just making me crazy writing this right now..

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