Can't Stop Thinking About Her? Here's Why You Need to Meet More Girls

Thanks for this article, it has opened my eyes more then once on a girl that I can't get out of my head. The major difference that you describe is that she is a somewhat close friend who is not terribly attractive by I think she has a lot of cute traits (unlike my friends) and I think about her all of the time, but I do actually talk to her daily. I feel like she's playing me, she will want to hang out or ask me to do something for her and make sort of sexual comments, recently she's been very touchy as well. She asks me all the time who I like, my friends think she is leading me on but she has a long distance boyfriend that she's been talking about more and more. That's only been going on for a month and ever since this girl has been annoying the hell out of me asking me to do things for her like visit her at 1am when she was sick and help her move things, etc. She's really needy and annoying for some reason she's still stuck in my head and it's really ruining my concentration in college. This has been going on for a couple months, she knows I don't have much relationship experience and I think she is taking me for a ride, I just don't know why I can't stop thinking about her.

I really like a girl for the last two years. I told her about it. But she said no. She is my good friend. i still like her. Now I think she likes another person. What should I do?

Thank you so much for this article

I've never replied to one of these "self help" style articles on the internet before, but this one did a lot for me. Thanks for writing this first of all.

So there was this girl in my grade (12) who I'd liked for about 5 - 6 months. Over the last two months we got a lot closer, and I really thought she was getting interesting in me as I started to compliment and flirt more. She seemed to be around more often and initiated conversation both in person and online, as well as act slightly nervous and play with her hair. I kept asking myself, WHY AREN'T I JUST ASKING HER OUT ALREADY!

Until tonight I saw this article. I thought about it and said "Maybe ill just tell her I'm interested and if she rejects me I can move on." The most hilarious conversation ensued. I asked her if she'd like to go out for some dinner over the holidays, she said "what do you mean" and I said "I mean a date." She proceeded to be silent for a few seconds and replied "I think we've become really good friends, I don't want to mess that up and besides I'm really busy in my life with school, I can't handle a relashionship right now." I told her "if you're ever down, let me know" and left with a smile. I felt better than I have in a long time! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR OPENING MY EYES! Now I can stop obsessing over her and live my life, plus I've gotten some practice talking to girls.

Anyways, that's my little story, if anyones debating asking a girl out, just do it man!

Holy fuck. I think I'm going to start going up to woman and asking them to fuck. The drop in success rate would be worth the lack of work...

Chase, I think you are brilliant and I read your posts religiously. Compared to other blogs I've read about pickup, yours is the best because you break concepts down and take the psychological approach to dating. I have much respect for you, for helping the lot of us guys to become better with women. I have a question that I was wondering if you can help me with. First of all, I'm 18 and in grade 12b(which is the equivalent to grade 13), and I've liked a girl since grade 9. My mind doesn't want to like her, but my heart won't listen to it. She's moved on with her life, while I'm still stuck in high school with people who aren't on my level per say.

I know I need to talk to more girls, because it will get my mind off of her, but I don't have a lot of girls to talk to, and the girls at my high school I'm just not into, but I am practicing my flirting skills(not really with girls I'm into) thanks to you! The problem I have is that my heart feels that "none of these girls compare to this one special girl(I bet you know exactly what feeling I'm talking about)". I read this article before recently and holy smokes. I really do feel for you, because liking a girl for a long time really gets to you. But I'm just wondering how I can talk to more girls, when I don't live in a place where there are girls walking around everywhere, and the closest mall is 20 minutes away. I'd go by myself, but It would be kind of lonely and most girls are in groups, and my friends aren't too great with girls yet. I hate sitting at home feeling angry and depressed that I missed my chances with the first girl I really liked, but I know I need to move on, i just don't know what I can do? Thanks for reading, it means a lot to me.

You know something I find very sad about these posts is that most of them are by men that are putting their life on hold for that special girl. I have this girl that I've been pining over for prob the last 6 months although I've known her for 5 years. She liked me a lot for about 2 years But I chased her and ruined it..anyways, I realize that I need to let it go and if it is meant to be shell come back. I am definitely not waiting around for her or hoping that one day she sees me in a different light. The only way a girl can see a guy in a different light is if he completely moves on and doesn't hope for anything in the future..the positive thing is once you move on, you won't have this unrealistic view of that girl anymore and this gives you the best chance of getting her back ironically..just accept the fact that you will never have her and move on with your life. Go out get girls that are much better then the girl you are pining about and see how you feel about her afterwards..I guarantee you won't feel the same..make goals to improve your game and youll start to get quality women in your life that like you evn more then you like them.

Wow. wow. wow. This has been the biggest eye opener of an article yet to date. I cannot believe it I connected on nearly every single line of this masterpiece.

Great advice, thank you so much for contributing this, I feel I can live life again without this crazy obsession.

Thank you.

I've been friends with my friend for a while now (2009) and not too long ago I told her I liked her and she told me "I see you as a really good friend and that's what i see you as". It was understandable for her not liking me that way though cause whenever me and her hung out I was always really shy around her so I feel like if I could be more confident around maybe she'll see me the more outgoing/relaxed me and maybe she'll see I'm the guy for her who knows but anyway some more details are...

I think about her a lot. She's my first true friend that was a girl. We got everything in common and I can talk to her about anything. She makes me really happy and I'd do anything for her. She's my best friend. I've liked her since the first day I saw her at school a few years ago and she's the only girl I want to be with..And that's all the details and it sucks that she only likes me as a friend and now here am I waiting for her to like me (that way) and don't know what to do..Do I wait and try to gain more confidence around her and hope she'll like me later? Or do I move on? Thanks if you can answer my questions or give me advice.

Im in the same boat as many guys commenting in here. The problem is that I work with the girl. I am pretty confident in my game and confident in knowing the process of seduction.
My story starts out with me going through a break up. After breaking up with my ex, I was so physicaly and mentaly exhausted that I told myself I would spend some time alone without getting into anything serious. I had major health issues that I needed to fix. Around this time this new girl started working at my job. She is gorgeous and a cool personality. She was instantly drawn to me. In a way I was subconsciously still running game on her because thats just how I behave around hot girls. I played around with seducing her but when the time to really make a move that would sexually escalate things I knew it was not a good idea for me because I didnt want to invest energy on her. I was confident I couldve escalated but I decided not to. I need to work on myself and mainly on my health. I realized I ha missed my window of opportunity but I accepted it. As a result she friendzoned me and I dont blame her. I knew I was in no shape to be anything more than a friend to her. We started treating each other as friends and I was cool with it. I got to know her, had a lot of fun with her and created a cool connection with her.
Fast forward a year and I now find myself in this situation. I have recovered most of my health and feel ready to take things further with a girl. Im more confident in myself and my head is in a better place. The problem is that I still think she is gorgeous. I still have that connection with her. There are time Im confident she feels attracted to me but since weve been friends for so long the vibe is not there. Another thing is that she is still pining for an ex that she is trying to move on from. This has resulted in me obsessing on how I can get her. I doesnt help knowing that I once had a chance but due to the circumstances I wasnt the right time. I cant stop myself from trying to craft my game to a level that she could not resist but I think Im fighting a losing battle. There are too many things working against me. My competitive drive is keeping me in a hamster wheel. The fact that I am confident in my game also gives me hope but at the same time it is very dissapointing to know that my opportunity has passed and I cant do anything about it.
If I could walk away from her I would. At one point I even created a fight between us so that we had a reason not to talk to each other but she kept trying to get my friendship back and Im back to being cool with her. The problem is that I cant get away from her. I have to see her everytime I go to work.
Has anybody been in this situation? What would you suggest?

"Next, recognize you're caught up and over-invested in a girl who isn't yours. Much as you might like her, and much as you might wish her to be yours... she ain't. Now, I'm not much of one for ownership of women, but if you're going to think of women as being "yours" or "not yours," you should at least consider that the man who's actually physically sleeping with That One Special Girl is needless to say going to be the one who commands the most sway over her."

But what happens when it is you that the girl in question really wants, and she is sleeping with another guy because she wants to drive you wild with jealousy and approach her about it?

I mean in cases where she always wanted you in the first place, still does, and sleeping with the other guy is all part of her strategy to get the one she really wants in the end?

What do you have to say about a girl whose primary source of excitement in sleeping with some guy is the knowledge that she is driving the real object of her desires crazy with jealousy/making him realize what he's missing out etc.? That she is teaching the one she really wants a lesson about being indecisive with the guy she's sleeping with, and that guy she's sleeping with is only really a means to an end as far as she is concerned?

Is the best response to such a woman who has you in her sights to display total disinterest and indifference - so rather than getting excited by sleeping with someone else to make the one she wants jealous, she will just end up depressed and frustrated that the one she really wants isn't at all swayed, and indeed is maybe put off by the such behavior? Certainly if lots of people know what she's doing and it has no effect she'll end up looking like a fool.

Indeed what do you think about women who not only flirt with other guys to make the real object of their desires jealous, but actually get into serious relationships, obviously including regularly sleeping with another guy, with the same aim? How should a guy react to a woman who is determined and willing to go further and further, perhaps even up to the point of arranging to get married, until she thinks she can finally break the resolve of the one she has set out to conqueror the heart of - forcing him to come running to her confessing his love and admitting what a mistake it was not to tell her sooner?

I can't decide whether a woman who would do this is of good quality, strong, worth having and indeed actually deeply cares for the one she wants? Or whether she is a cruel and nasty manipulative piece of work who is best avoided at all costs?

What do you guys think about a woman who would go to such lengths to get her quarry? Would you view this as crossing the line and sheer callousness? Or are these the actions of a woman who deserves respect and is just doing what she feels is necessary to get what she knows she wants?

That One Special Girl does exist in my life, she's real she breathes deeply and glances over at me. While I mirror her same movements but, it's forbidden because there is a person who is also deeply in love with me (my girlfriend) she gives me ever full unconditional love. I have learned to love my girl over a long 3 year period. Unfortunately that does not stop me from thinking of that one special girl. She knows I have a HuGe crush on her but I also know she feels the same and we never do nothing about it. I have her number I have known her for about four years I have danced and skated with her, but each time I think "this is the day I'm gonna do it I'm gonna ask her to be mine to unite and be together" I'm speechless and forget how to talk to her I'm brain empty and because I'm thinking what's gonna happen to my girlfriend. I wouldn't want to hurt her feeling but at the same time I'm hurting my self for not asking my special fantasy girl out. The unthinkable is what I call it for my self

V.

Further to my last post: Sat, 01/26/2013 - 13:06, I would like to basically summarize it into a more general question in relation to this entire article.

Almost everything you say about guys being over-invested, obsessed, infatuated, pining etc., sounds very agreeable.

But concerning this paragraph:

"The problem is that when you get highly emotionally invested in a woman, you will trip over your emotions with her every single time. You'll make mistakes that guys who don't have those same attachments to her don't make. You hesitate when you should act. You value her so highly that you don't want to mess things up... and precisely because of that, her attraction for you expires and she loses interest, never to have it return."

What happens when a woman does get frustrated with a man behaving as described above, but rather than deciding that her attraction for him has expired, followed by the subsequent losing of interest, she sets out to make him snap out of the daze he's in (or creates a much more nasty and distressing state of bewilderment for him, to word the interpretation of her maneuver in a less positive light) by only feigning a loss of interest (because, come on, surely nobody can really fully subscribe to the notion that, in cases where it's mutual, attraction can just simply 'expire' over such matters) and takes measures that most would associate with such a fading of interest, like getting a new boyfriend and developing a relationship with him in such a way that most would think of her as having "gotten serious" with him?

Basically she gets frustrated with the love-struck guy, proceeds as you have described in accordance with how a woman would behave if her interest was diminishing, except that it's all only an act (which she subtly makes sure she lets the man know) with no loss of interest at all - an act which makes things much harder and much more complicated for the dreamy guy than they were when his only problem was having gotten into a state of being love-struck with her. The guy found it difficult to move it along and get things going with her in the first place - they do not see each other often, move in the same social circles, or even have reason to speak to each other - so what is he supposed to do now when over a year has elapsed during which time she's created all these extra complications for him, but at the same time has made sure that he gets the message that her feelings for him never went away (and most definitely not in the 'I'll keep you in reserve' kind of way) and that she expects him to...

Well that's the problem, what is the guy supposed to do when in this situation, how is he expected to act? How does he go about passing this 'test' and is it even one that he should attempt to pass? And a woman who lets a situation like this develop, making the love-struck man feel terrible with himself over his role in it, are her actions crazy or commendable? Obviously calculating, but ultimately cruel or kind?

The article is titled 'Can't Stop Thinking About Her?' I'd assume most would take this to apply to situations where the woman would rather the infatuated guy did stop thinking about her, and indeed in situations where she couldn't care less if he's thinking about her or not, but what if she is making sure that he 'Can't stop Thinking About Her'?

back in school fell for a girl in class 2 and didnt get over her till class 8.after that i realised she wasnt that great.i thought i'd never again like someone like that.years later i saw this girl in college(we are still in college) and its been 3 years i cant get her out of my mind.i know i've created a mental picture of her and am obsessing.thought i could get rid of her by diverting my mind but i cant.unlike the previous girl this one is i dont know shes just i dont know......The post suggests to try to date others in order to stop obsessing.but i'm just not dateable and there is no one to date.

"i saw this girl in college(we are still in college)".

I think this can be an obstacle in fully writing off a girl you have feelings for - if you are stuck within the confines of a college environment with her. I can see this is a factor in my case as well (I made the post before yours).

If the potential relationship never got off the ground because of the 'over-investment' issues discussed in my post, every time you bump into her - which will happen at the most unexpected times - you will be painfully reminded of the unfortunate mess that you got into with her and all the mistakes made, things that could have happened differently etc. And you will always be tempted to cling on to hope that something dramatic will happen that will turn everything around and make it all better.

After reading over and thinking about my last post and how other readers will most likely interpret my description of my predicament (which has been all quite therapeutic and helpful with regard to being able to make a more rational assessment of the situation) I can see that I overstated the calculating nature of the girl in question and neglected to highlight that many of the decisions which she made with regard to further diminishing the prospects of a healthy relationship developing between us, after my own silly mistakes, were rash, done in haste, and didn't really involve much calculating or consideration of me at all.

And thus after reading over the entire article again I can see that I have unduly placed her up on a pedestal - I wanted to believe the nice but unrealistic interpretation that she was just trying to help me, or force me, to be more open with my feelings, something which I would ultimately be thankful for. I have kept indulging in this fanciful feelgood exercise of finding justification for interpreting the situation (in full awareness that I'm doing it and knowing at the bottom of my heart that it's irrational and unlikely) as it being a demonstration of - not the fact that I was foolish and wrong in forming an unwarranted belief that this girl was unquestionably the one for me and the reality that I had her up on this pedestal thing - but that she was actually demonstrating that she was even more special and thoughtful than I had first thought! And thus definitely 'the one' - doing me some sort of clever and carefully considered favor designed to benefit me in the long run - teaching me some sort of 'tough love' lesson all from the bottom of her heart. Thus I can see now, due to my state of denial, that I was finding justification (where there in actual fact wasn't any) for staying invested in her. And part of that state of being, as described in the article, is clinging onto hope when it's time to let go. I kept entertaining the possibility that something dramatic might happen which would fix everything and that we were destined to be together, which I could nonetheless also see was not at all realistic and that the odds of it happening were very low. Basically I thought that she was perfect for me, and I wanted that to be the case so much that I couldn't accept the disappointing reality.

As I said at the beginning, I think for anyone unfortunate enough to have ended up in this situation in college, the college environment can undoubtedly be a major impediment in the process of properly being able to move on. Until you leave it and know for sure you'll never see the person again, it will be difficult to consider them gone for good and move forward.

I still think, however, that in a lot of these situations when what you thought was destined to be the most wonderful and special relationship of your life gets suddenly killed off in a way that can seem surreal for quite a long time by such things as described in the paragraph I quoted in my last post, that the woman's attraction for the guy doesn't simply expire and that it remains with her for a long time while she holds onto hope that the 'could have been' will turn into a reality, with her hopes pinned on the guy doing something dramatic that will turn everything around. In the particularly messed up situation I ended up in she paradoxically, at the same time, through her own actions, ensured that such a scenario was less and less likely to happen as each day went by. I think in many cases, not only the man, but both parties remain in a state of denial - denial that what is happening is in fact happening, and both man and woman often can't fully reconcile themselves with the reality that what they had or could have had is finished - thus making a slow and painful death out of the whole process - until it becomes so clear that it's over that even the most incorrigible romantics can see it.

So the key is being able to, as quickly as possible, identify and accept that what may seem like insignificant issues and misunderstandings at the time really have nullified the potential of a positive relationship developing between you and that person whom you thought was so special, and also being able to identify and accept that even where the attraction is strong and mutual and even though it's the last thing either party wants to see happen, it is highly likely that it will fade away in a gradual but terminal decline from that point onwards. Although, that said, if you possessed such foresight it would be unlikely you'd mess up a potentially awesome relationship with such silly mistakes in its embryonic stages in the first place.

And if you're the type of person that doesn't fall for someone that often, but falls hard when you do, the key is being able to bite the bullet until the next someone special comes along - going out and looking for a replacement doesn't work and only makes things worse, well for me anyway.
However, that said, the attitude towards love outlined in the sentence above is a potentially perilous one, and thankfully I now fully recognize how and understand why (although it hasn't been an enjoyable lesson to learn).
This tendency to fall hard and fast and have faith that you can just sense that 'she's the one' upon setting eyes on her and that you 'just know' when in reality you know nothing, is obviously directly responsible for all these problems in this article which arise from over-investing and placing women on pedestals and so on. I still believe I can sense when I have come across someone who could be special in my life, and I don't believe that you can find such a person by going out and looking, but in future I'll be sure to handle the whole process with more caution.

Indeed, if you've just experienced a write-off, the key to not making a mess with the next love of your life is establishing an understanding about what you did, or didn't do, that made a mess of the last one. And another negative consequence of allowing yourself to become so love-struck that you go all gooey and your heart melts just upon hearing the person's name or being in the same room as them is that (although it feels like sheer bliss because you're blissfully unaware of the dangers until you learn and understand - hopefully not from first hand experience if you are fortunate - the disastrous results that it can have) it renders the chances of having even a simple conversation with the person more and more difficult the more time goes by, and the result will be your love interest either getting bored with you and moving on to someone else, or becoming vengeful and angry in the mistaken belief that don't like her or you think she isn't good enough for you, when the reality is actually that you're just so into her that even hearing her name sends your heart racing and you are walking around in a permanent daze totally in awe of her. And this is a particularly horrible thing to go through if you are over-invested - but it's all connected, all these things are connected to each other.

Bottom line - unless you're fortunate enough to fall in love with someone you already know, meet at work or see and speak to on a regular basis - the whole verbal communication thing needs to be taken seriously or it will almost certainly scupper the chances of potential serious relationships that you wanted to happen.

Even when both man and woman are head over heels for each other a failure to communicate properly at the beginning will most likely ruin any chance of them having a relationship. And this will happen even if they are not aware of it. Indeed it will happen because they don't understand the significance of it. They may get into a cycle of being awkward with each other, teasing, playing jealousy games etc. due to it, while both remaining strongly attracted to each other and both longing to get together with each other like they felt they were supposed to all along. But in reality all the silly games and the nature of the problem - which is literally just a result of a failure to open their mouths, move their lips and speak to each other - trivializes and makes it appear easy to fix up and make better something which is in actual fact unfixable.

I am the girl the guy had an obsessive crush on me. Yes in highschool I turned him down several times but it was because I wasn't allowed to date. I didn't know how to explain that to him; after all, who wants to be the grown up teen who still listens to their parents?
29 years later he confessed to his huge crush he had on me. He still feels the same way. That in itself made me fall madly in love with this man.
Be sure you know for sure the one your chasing doesn't feel the same before you give up on her. Ive always felt connected to this guy and how can a woman not love someone who has adored her for decades? He's got me hook, line and sinker. I'll love him forever and for always.

Happy endings do exist in real life not just Disney!

AMAZING POST.

However it doesn't solve one thing for me. I am obsessed over a girl I am sleeping with but who's not my gf yet. My frame is pretty cool, but the truth is I keep "overinvesting" like you said. (It's like an endless loop, where the more you think of her the more you get invested and that leads to more thinking).

However this "obsession" is not keeping me from acting. We keep on fucking and getting more serious.

I ll start practicing meditation to control my thoughts and try to not check her facebook at all.

Any other ideas on how to stop the obsession without stopping seeing the girl would be useful.

'HitMeNone' - I never thought of 'over-investing' as a problem from that angle. Although I've always been weary that girls are likely to become 'over-invested' in a guy - from my own personal experience - who is basically just using them for sex (that sounds a bit callous, I mean were there is supposed to be a mutual 'fuck buddy' understanding/agreement, I've been in situations where the girl's intentions were really a lot more serious than that and I didn't know it until it became problematic).

If you were having an affair with some woman who was married or who had a partner she loved but and was just cheating on him for the excitement (great wife material, eh?), had no interest in a relationship with you, and you were becoming 'over-invested' then that would be a problem. But such a woman would probably just replace you with a different fuck buddy if she thought you were becoming too attached to her and had an unrealistic understanding that the fuck buddy agreement was, or could be, anything more than that.

But you say: 'We keep on fucking and getting more serious'. So that doesn't sound like the the problem either. If you are actually fucking her all the time and it is getting better and better I can't see why you would want or feel the need to endlessly gaze at her Facebook page when not actually having sex with her, as 'over-invested' people who do that most likely do so because it is the closest to the person that they can get.

I was also thinking you maybe meant you were becoming excessively possessive, jealous, suspicious etc. and were concerned about the likely development of her not wanting to see you anymore. But yet you say you are looking for ideas on 'how to stop the obsession without stopping seeing the girl'. So it's you who's considering ditching her over it.

I can't see what the problem is to be honest, just sounds like you are really into each other. Unless you're getting distracted from work or other important tasks to the extent where it's having a detrimental effect on them. She must be incredibly hot and mesmerizing if you are having regular sex with her and this still isn't enough for you to take a break and focus on other things! I'm sure a lot of guys wouldn't mind having this 'problem', unless they are married or can't have a proper relationship with the girl for some other reason. But you say she's not your girlfriend 'yet', which implies there's nothing stopping you from making her your girlfriend other than you being too into her!

Thanks for your post though HitMeNone, it's made me realise that 'over-investing' can take on many forms, and that one of them is spending an excessive amount of time pondering and writing about a load of nonsense! Or I'll rephrase 'a load of nonsense' as 'subjects which are not of priority' so as to not cause any offence and in case I'm misunderstanding what you are saying. Whichever way I phrase it though, there is no getting away from the fact that I need to be focusing on more productive tasks right now. Over and Out!

This was painful for me to read, because I have been doing this for years! What really hit close to home, was the suggestion that by obsessing over one girl, I could be turning down or not noticing girls who would like to be with me. Why that's especially painful, is that there AREN'T other opportunities ! I have no close social circle, no close female friends and I never meet any single women. I'm in my thirties, obsessing over a female friend who I'm not close with and don't do anything with or even hear from that much, at an age where many men have already gone through many years of dating experiences and have settled into long term relationships or marriages and families. I hope I don't wake up tomorrow.

(Of course I actually do want to wake up tomorrow, I just want the feelings of frustration and alienation to end. I don't know what to do!).

Thank you for putting it in plain English.

Dude you really need to chill out about all this - you say that there "AREN'T other opportunities", and also that you are in your thirties. If there aren't any other opportunities at the minute who cares? You are still a young man, and if you have your heart set on finally settling down and raising a family, just relax about it and wait for the right circumstances to come along. You're not a woman and have no biological clock ticking, so you can go and have all the fun you want and leave it to your forties before getting serious about all that if you want; many guys do.

I said to you many couples raising kids can barely stand he sight of each other. I can give you an interesting example of this:

Now many girls think it's a great idea to hook up with a close friend of the guy that they are into, which I've always found pretty much unfathomable when this happens with me. Because in doing so they are simultaneously demonstrating that they are an untrustworthy slut who will betray my friend, and also annoying me by driving an incressing wedge between me and my friend as well. This happened with one of my closest friends who I have known since childhood. We used sit having a smoke and playing the playstation in his room every night, when suddenly this nasty, sullen mentally unstable interloper appeared on the scene to ruin our cosy little world forever.

I knew it was me she was after all along, even as she left the nightclub to go home with my friend that very first night her eyes were firmly transfixed on me; and I'd also heard she spread her legs for virtually anybody and everybody. I didn't like her at all and tried to warn my friend about her, but he would not listen. He just thought I was upset at us not hanging out as regularly as we used to anymore.
Soon the inevitable happened - she got pregnant. Fastforward a few years later, and to cut a long story short, although they are now raising two children, they hate the sight of each other so much that they sleep in seperate beds. So this nutcase (who I could never even stand the sight of let alone find it difficult to resist being seduced by her), because of her stupid jealousy tactic ploy is now stuck with the jealousy tactic guy permanently after getting pregnant to him. I would laugh only he is a very close friend of mine. She must really hate me now though, and I can imagine her tearing her hair out, cursing my name every day and blaming me for the situation which she wound herself up in, raising kids with someone she can barely stand the sight of.

I know of lots of situations like this, so trust me "I can relate" you have got nothing to catch up on. Don't fret and things will happen naturally.

I'd just come out of a very long 8yr relationship and was avoiding things for a bit but a year later, this younger woman starts chasing me about, for the best part of a year before finally giving me her telephone number (without me asking!), and we manage to get one date in (we have strange rotas) and it goes incredibly well, lots of XXXXXXXXs on the texts and I'm now at the stage where I'm thinking she REALLY likes me, and I get this little 'twang' in my heart (oh, gosh,you know the score!), and we get VERY close after that, on the phone all the time, discussing how much we like/are attracted to each other, all this for about three months and then she starts saying how she needs space and suddenly starts going distant on me, after barraging me texts and calls for the best part of 90 days!

So, I wonder why she's going distant (she was in a painful relationship a year earlier, got dumped) and I try to ask her but she avoids the subject, then I say something like "you were all over me, YOU gave me your number, I don't think it's fair that you're ignoring me, I'd never do that to you." And she got mad and changed her phone number and has been ignoring me (on the phone) for four weeks now, and i haven't seen her in person for a fortnight. She still has my number, she told me that, and she still chats at work, but it's awkward now, we don't have the rich and wonderful conversations we used to have, despite her still giving me the eye, it's like we're both acting, I hate it, yet she never seems to want to talk about it and i find it frustrating because I like to get things out there. she used to always tell me that she was available but all she'll say is "i don't need a man now, i want space", despite her saying the opposite to me only a week earlier

So, yeah, I feel I made a terrible mistake, i maybe pushed too hard, i maybe waitied too long, but I made the mistake of getting HEAD OVER HEELS with her, in my absence from her I've been SOOOOOO sad, depressed, tearful - and this is a guy who's served in Afghanistan on several occasions, seen all sorts, but this stuff, this PAIN, never gets old!!!!!! Hell, been thinking about MARRYING her, and i should be really wary of saying things like that!

Like I say, it's been two weeks now. I know she has something approaching feelings for me, we had a call one night where she told me that but said she had a lot of stuff to do (like move out of her mom's) I've been in several longish relationships and know when a woman 'clicks', literally we were like bf & gf most of th time, I just feel she may be just bit too vulnerable now, and she's ping-ponging my emotions about in what I find a quite cruel manner, I'd like to just KNOW if it's truly over so I can try and move past the emotional agony i currently feel. i also feel like I've really embarrassed her, maybe I might have

I also think I may have taken too long, and the pain I've suffered over the last few weeks has been tremendous, I'm actually coming through the back end by the looks of it, I'm eating again now, not really crying anymore, but still feel so empty inside.

It's tearing me apart inside, I just wish she'd tell me her REAL feelings for me, she said something along the lines of one night "if i told you them, then we'd change", which implied that she wanted to friendzone me BUT also imply that she's got feelings. The way she LOOKs at me, and the way she knows she's doing it. If she said "Chaz, I hate you, you're ugly, unattrctive, speak to the hand" then I'd clearly know where I stood. Thought i was too old for this!

Chase, what do you think? Am i just being an old fool or do you reckon I stand any sort of chance here. PS: girl is 26, I'm a youthful 40. I felt I had a great chance to begin with but can't tell with these younger 'playas', lol.

PS: EXCELLENT account there, really did centre me a LOT when reading it. ;)

Where do I begin.......I met this girl on a social site about 2months ago. We clicked from the get go and I have really enjoyed texting her. We are just friends but I have started liking this for some reason I cant get her out of my mind yet I haven't even met her. I have seen pictures of her on face book and she's not your typical hot babe. I have just fallen for her and can't understand why I find myself feeling this way. She is from Turkey so every time I see or hear something related to that place I'm reminded of her. She also has a boy friend which stresses me out further since I know out there somewhere there's some guy....whom I would love to trade places with. She has told me she likes me too and if I lived closer she would be with me. Here is where it becomes interesting...... I sent a picture of my friend instead of me not because I'm insecure but at first I wanted to protect my identity since you never know who it is you're talking to and now it has come back and bit me in the butt. I also feel guilty because she has been honest to me about many things and told me things other people would usually lie about or not disclose. I have to tell her the truth but I know if I do that I will most likely lose her and that scares me but I can't also carry on like this living a lie......I have been honest about all other things but that picture. We are just friends but I constantly have this girl on my mind and I don't want to but it just happens. The last time I felt like this was when I broke up with my ex I eventually got over her but I feel like I won't get over this until I tell her the truth and doing that will result me in losing her and other friends of mine since they will think I'm a liar even though I haven't lied to them. I just need some guidance as to what I should do my intensions was never to hurt anyone and she will be hurt when I tell her the truth. i only have myself to blame for this and now I'm trying to correct it so any advice would be greatly appreciated thanks guy.

This article really impacted, I felt like I connected with it on a whole new level, everything you said man, it's like I'm doing the exact same thing but for me it's only been two months or so, I've been asking my friends what I should do, I'm about to graduate high school and they tell me I should talk to her, because I'm graduating, she's a sophmore, I really do think she's beautiful, and smart and she's seems really jut chill, you know? I really want to talk to her , but I'm just shy and I hate it, I just wanna talk to her, you said you helped out many guys, please, let me know what I should do

The girl you think about you work with, also you hooked up the first night . Saying how she claims she's upset with herself for doing it, yet I let her the take the lead. And constantly sending mixed signals and mind games. Even flirting at work and getting jealous over other girls(assumption). Guys don't see girls you work with even if they are hot as hell and exactly the way you like your girls.

wonderful article , informative and challenging

i am obsessed with one girl and its evident as you mentioned that thing will hinder the progress of your pursuing her ..

when i am obsessed with this girl she seemed to me unapprochable. as she is from a rich family and working as one of my seniors i do thought i am not suitable for her in anyway

also she is one of the beautiful people around and even when i mentioned my mindstate to some of my friends , they seemed to get back, saying " how could you think like that , she is she and you are just you "

thank you and looking forward to hear from you

Hey my man,
came back to this post as I'm in a great mood and wanted to share this quote with everyone.

“The (500) Days of Summer attitude of “He wants you so bad” seems attractive to some women and men, especially younger ones, but I would encourage anyone who has a crush on my character to watch it again and examine how selfish he is. He develops a mildly delusional obsession over a girl onto whom he projects all these fantasies. He thinks she’ll give his life meaning because he doesn’t care about much else going on in his life. A lot of boys and girls think their lives will have meaning if they find a partner who wants nothing else in life but them. That’s not healthy. That’s falling in love with the idea of a person, not the actual person.”
— Joseph Gordon-Levitt

After reading this article...i got my mind of my so PRESUMED "THE ONE SPECIAL GIRL"....now i admit i m still not a hip with the ladies...but my mind completely came off out of that f**king bitch of a girl....she always confused me with her smile n talks.....always instigated that hope inside me just because she wanted someone to care for her in her desperate times...i just don't understand why society never encourages men to take revenge against women...i dunno why in this society women are considered to be pure,innocent while every wrong is inflicted upon a guy...

I can't tell you how much this article helped me out. I'm probably a bit older than the average audience here, my mid 30's, but this was never a problem I encountered until recently. I'm usually pretty good with women because I'm a naturally laid back funny guy, and never afraid of taking risks, and I have never been the sort of guy to delay the approach or fail to take action, or see failure as anything other than a learning experience. However, about six months or so ago I saw this girl I was immediately attracted to at the office and mentioned it to a friend who said he'd inquire about her status on my behalf. FIRST MISTAKE. He came back and said she had just gotten over a bad breakup and wasn't ready to date, but of course didn't let her know that I was the guy who was interested so way too much time went by before anything transpired. I should never have let some other guy do my legwork, and should have just asked her out like I normally would have, and moved on if rejected, but I didn't. Instead I figured I'd just wait it out, and while waiting it out, and because I see her around at work I built up this whole fantasy in my mind about what dating her would be like. I also had people around the office telling me a couple of times a week "Oh you two would be so perfect for each other"... further building this image of the perfect woman/relationship up in my mind... complete fantasy obviously. She's cool and cute and we have some things in common, but I made her into that "One Special Girl" on nothing more than rare office interactions and a chorus of office gossips telling me we should get together.

Months later she starts flirting with me via email and I set up a date... for her a first date, but when you've been pining over someone for that long it's impossible not to see it as much more significant than that, and completely stumble and come off as desperate. I was such a bundle of raw nerves... and so unacquainted with any sort of these feelings, that I of course blew it... and chased this girl when I got the dreaded "Let's just be friends" text after date one. I mistook the nerves and discomfort as profound, and real feelings of emotional attachment to this girl I really knew nothing about. I was heavily invested and too blind to realize it.

I still feel like an idiot, and of course now I have to see this girl around the office and suffer that embarrassment... but this article was like you said "Waking up from a dream". It's provided a tremendous amount of clarity in the dark when I really needed it, and got me going out with the women that were chasing me and that I was blowing off while obsessed with this "One Special Girl"... and I'm having a blast now. Hopefully things smooth out towards a more friendly and less awkward status after some time has passed, but for now I'll just have to suck it up at the office knowing that when the day is over I'm heading out for a great time with women that want me. I'm going to pick up your e-book as a thanks, it probably saved me months of personal grief.

I disagree using the law of equivalent exchange. If you've been thing for eight years, you should get back the same amount of what was taken from you. I have been in love for 5 years now. We used to like each other, but she ended up moving on. However I remained in love for years. The whole time we liked each other, I wanted to go farther then just hanging out, but I knew she thought we were to young to be together like that. I now sit on the roof of my garage for countless hours planning, thinking and creating for/of her. I expect to get the same amount of time I took for her back, but not in the same form. I now draw, write, and create her trying to get her to notice again. I understand what your saying, but the feeling you get when she comes to sit beside you is overwhelming. I was at the beach one day with a bunch of friends-including her-playing guitar in the water as they went looking for shells. I noticed her looking at me, I knew she was thinking of me. Which will trigger a feeling inside you that is outstanding. Can you imagine what they feel like, if that one moment of her thinking of me compared to a decade of it. I say you just have to be patient. And give what you would like to receive.

D.

A girl at my college that I've liked since the day I met her is in my head and I can't stop thinking of her. I liked her for months and when I got the courage to say something she just started dating my best friend so I kept my feelings hidden for as long as I could and tried talking to other girls. This worked for a while but I couldn't stand it and I told her how I felt. She stopped seeing my friend and we began talking more and more. We both bind and felt the same way about each other and we were going to get together but exams got in the way and we couldn't meet as often as we wanted. She had a small party where I went but I got too drunk and blew my chance with her. She still says she has feelings for me.

Recently she has been talking to another lad and she is now dating him without telling me (was told by my friend) and she says she is struggling to decide between us both. She says she prefers me as a person and likes me more but says she has chosen the other because he has a car and lives much closer and is more convenient

I know that this girl is ridiculous and hat I shouldn't like her but I can't stop thinking about her. I feel that if I won't be able to get over her because I've had this feeling for too long. I just don't know what to do. I want to hate her but I just can't

I'm stuck on this girl who's in another country and I know I could get her in the bag if she was here in person but the distance IS making me obsessed. I'm going to stop talking to her so much and start meeting women closer so when she gets here she won't be able to resist me! ;)

Great advice!

In case you guys haven't figured it out yet, this article is one of the best, most important articles on this site. It ties in personal growth with seduction, and most importantly, it helps people understand that they should not be emotionally hurt in the field of romance.

Well done, Chase, as always.

If you are caught in this, refocus those efforts on something else which drives your passion. That is where it should be directed. You have to know yourself to do this - start there and you will grow as a person instead of stagnating on a woman.

Women are very attracted to men who are passionate about something that intrinsically fulfills the man (that is not her).

See how that works? Just like pinot noir... If you direct your passion elsewhere and display it, women will gravitate towards you.

quod erat demonstrandum ;)

Hi.

Just thought I'd post saying thanks.
I'm pretty sure stumbling across this article at 3.47 in yhe morning has saved me several years heartache and probably stopped me fm developing serious confidence issues.
My story is that I met this girl a few years ago and we got on like a house on fire. However she had a boyfriend and yet every conversation we had she made it feel likehe actuallay wanted me. 3 years on and she still does this but despite my best efforts she only seems to be messing with my head. Yeah I've had girlfriends since I met this girl but I always seem to end up back with feelings for her that aren't getting me anywhere or doing me any good.

But after reading your article I have decided that it's probably best to start fazing her out of my life completely as its becoming apparent that shes is no good for me at all.

So I thank you in advance of what I hope to be the start of an agony free life meeting all the right women and mabye a future wife.

Thanks
Jon

Ok so he talks about obsession when you haven't done anything about it. What about when you are doing something about it. You her once but you let her go cuss you hurt her to much and you just weren't over your ex. Then one day you wake up thinking about her all day (finally over the ex). You tried to take your mind off of her by calling up several chicks to bone and as you are having sex with them your thinking about her. So then you give it time and you call her up and take her out and you go on several dates but when you finally ask her be my girlfriend she saids no you push me to far and now I want to be single. You still talk to her ever so often and you know she likes you because she tells you. She even saids that you can't be best friends again cuss you two both have feelings. You can't get her out of your mind and you spent pretty much every second of the day thinking about her even at night in your dreams. What do you do about that?

Hey mate,

Love the article?

Have a question though!

What if the girl I like still has feelings for her ex ( who cheated on her) and who also now lives 400miles away from her?

And what if we do go out but only I make the initial first contact?
Like, when I do call, she is there for me, but never chase me.

Obsession sucks, I do go out with other girls, but just can not stop thinking about her! She does give me all the signals, like touching, laughing, hugging, flirting etc. But does not allow me to seal the deal!

Like , something is stopping her!

Thank you so much for writing this article! I'm 18 and I've become a little obsessive over 5 or 6 girls in the past and each time I find myself thinking she's better than she really is and I just think "oh no, not again". I've always considered myself a "nice guy" but this really helps me to understand just what can be wrong with that and that I should just go out and live my live and let girls slowly get drawn to me over time!

Thank you again so much! This really turned my perspective upside-down (and for the better)!

Great article, Chase. I've been trying to get over my obsession for a girl for the past few days and it's been really tough. The article and the comments below it helped me in realising that I'm not the only one out there. There are many, many guys like me with tales of unrequited love.

I love a girl from my college, infact still madly, deeply do. She's committed to some other guy, as is often the case. However, when we first started getting close and acquainted to each other, the girl didn't tell me about her commitment. I'd asked her about the guy as she was often seen in the college alongside him but she told me that they were just friends.

As we started talking more and more, I started liking her more and more. Unknowingly fell in love but didn't intend to let it out to her soon. We used to travel on buses and trains together occasionally and both of us liked to spend time with each other, infact we still do. On one such day, she told me that she thought that I felt for her. I was perplexed as to what to respond with. I took some time but eventually bared my feelings open to her. And then she let me know about her commitment. I was shattered, to the core. Yet for some reason, I still had hope. I'd seen something in the girl's eyes for me. So I painted up a rose-tinted picture within my mind that maybe she isn't all that happy with her current boyfriend and that I might be the one she switches to.

Her boyfriend is well, an asshole. And I say it not out of jealousy but very impartially. He treats her like dirt, insults her, hardly ever makes her smile and the girl herself accepts it. We (the girl and me) talk for long hours on the phone at night till her boyfriend calls and shouts at her for talking to someone else (that's me !!) in night hours. The girl goes out of her way to make his call short so that she could talk to me. In a nutshell, it's obvious that she enjoys talking to me more than she does to her boyfriend. And I'm sure I'm the one she likes being around more with. Because she lies to her boyfriend when she goes out with me.

She lets me know all that's going through their relation. It's hot-and-cold stuff with the cold stuff more dominant. The problem is, whenever that relation of her is going through a bad patch, she acts all flirty and cosy with me... doesn't mind if I romantically engage her in a conversation either but all it takes for her to return to the "we're-just-friends-and-nothing-more" status is a few SMSes from that guy telling how much he loves her and is prepared to do anything for her. It's almost as if she uses me as a standby. I feel like having to end up compromising with my self-respect but I can't help it. And then come the daydreaming thoughts of "Someday-she'll-be-mine", "Someday-she'll-pay-me-back-for-my-unconditional-love-for-her" and I feel all lost. She consumes pretty much the entire time and space of my thoughts and existence.

Of late, she's again into the "we're-just-friends-mode", probably because her jerk boyfriend hasn't done something silly for quite sometime now. She plainly denies that she had ever, even for once, fallen for me. She passes off the occasional romantic moments that we shared as mere 'slips on her part'. She calls me her best friend but obviously I still want a lot more than that.

I have the feeling that she wants to go out with me, she loves to talk to me, and she can’t wait to spend time with me.

But she doesn’t want to leave her own boyfriend or end her relationship with him. She tells me she’s not happy in it and that a break-up might be around the corner, but she doesn’t do a thing about it. And I'm left helpless in a whirlpool of emotions.

I sometimes feel like snatching her away from all that obstructs me from having her, sometimes feel like letting it go and moving on for I have a bigger life to live. In the end, I end up doing basically neither.

What do you think I should do ? Thanks in advance and cheers for the article again.

When you mentioned how your girlfriend said "Who's that? She's ugly"? Did it occur to you that maybe your girlfriend was just being jealous? Obviously she wasn't "ugly" & thats why you couldn't get over her in 8 years. Anyways, aside from the fact, I think your suggestions are good & your absolutely right, don't waste time on someone who isn't sharing their time with you. Life is very ephemeral & definitely explore with other people. I know what its like to obsess over someone. Mine was 4 years over someone. Anyways we're only human after all. Life has lots of learning lessons & thats all you can do is learn from the good & bad. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Just annoys me when I hear someone call someone else "ugly". Some people may not be blessed with beauty but then some are & others hate. I know from experience & being an attractive woman.
Good article best of Luck!

Im curious, when does it end?, I have failed to connect with girls in general during my life, I still find my myself looking over pictures of this one girl I knew over 11 years ago in middle school, I bring it up randomly when I have drunk a bit or wanting to get away from problems. I don't obsesses over her as much as I used to but I can imagine myself still looking at her pictures when I am 50

I really like this girl. She is VERY beautiful, and she is on my mind all the time. Can't stop thinking of her. She is on the same college as mine, but she is two years younger than me. We've never talked, but it doesn't mean that I didn't do anything. I did something. I gave a smile to her, gave her some eye contact. I think she noticed it. I don't know, but I think she also likes me. One day, she and her friend sat in front of me and my friends at the canteen. I knew that it was a big chance to talk to her and approach her. But, suddenly, I just lost of confidence and I only stared at her for a long time. I have never approached girl before. What should I do know? I really have no idea. Please give me some advice for that. Thanks

You are a fucking genius
Thanks

I have to give it up to you Chase,
you really know how to inspire someone! You have totally left me with a positive and optimistic mindset!
I can't really complain as I do ok (even well) with girls but articles like this one reassure me that it's going to get even better!
Mad props,
Keep it up!

To me, for about a decade, that girl had been the most incredible, amazing, special, perfect woman on Earth. I constantly over that 8 years had tried to wrest control of my mind -- I tried pointing out to myself that she was fallible; that she wasn't really all that much more special than other girls; that she was busily getting shagged by other men and wasn't exactly waiting for me, and I should move on to. But I couldn't. She was the ultimate goal of my entire being.

That's just me right now. I've been obsessed with my neighbour for close to a decade and I'm at a point where I saw crystal clear I'm wasting my life for nothing.

Thanks for the article, I feel motivated. Now is late at night and I couldn't sleep thinking of her; I hope tomorrow when I wake up I can start living again.

This article was very eye opening, not just for the situation I'm in now but also the same situation I was in years ago but have only now just realised. I grew up next door to this girl when I was 7 and we use to spend a lot of time together as friends. We went out with each other on and off till about the age of 16 and the funny thing is all that time I wasn't really into her but she was majorly into me. My family and I moved away shortly after and I didn't see her for 5 years but most of that time was spent pining over her and thinking I could of made it work. When we got in contact again it was like nothing had changed ( for me anyway) and I was strait back into how much I loved her which I never told her just tried to be there for her and put myself out so she could see it. She was with someone at the time but I didn't let that stop me from wanting her so I decided I was going to stick at it and wait for her no matter how long it took, which I did. It ended up being 2 years that I waited and in that time I would do anything I could for her just to make her realise she was the one for me, I even turned down other girls because i didn't want anything to risk the chance if being with her. After 2 years of waiting I finally got with her, I couldn't believe it I was really happy after years of mental torture I brought to myself. I was with her for about a year and a half, for the first 6 months it was amazing after that it was a complete pain in the arse this girl I now know that I was obsessed with was just a regular girl nothing overly special about her at all. The moral to this extremely long post( sorry about that) is just because you think this girl is going to be amazing to be with it doesn't mean it's going to be as good as you think it could be. If the girl your obsessing over doesn't show she likes you in the same way then turn around and walk away because the more you do for her the more you will be taken for granted and the less she will respect you and no relationship is worth having if you not respected by the person your are in a relationship with. Thanks for reading I hope this helps you not waste a large portion of your life's and experiences missed.