Sex Drive Compatibility, Drive Collapses, & Relationship Sex Issues | Girls Chase

Sex Drive Compatibility, Drive Collapses, & Relationship Sex Issues

Chase Amante

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Chase Amante's picture
sex drive compatibilityYou want to date someone long-term. But is she sexually compatible? Most people don't check… yet this is perhaps the #1 most important compatibility of all.

I spoke recently with an experienced seducer who was having some issues with a girlfriend of his. The relationship had begun normally, with the girl having a normal sex drive, but then at one point it changed.

After the change, his woman almost never wanted normal sex with him. This was well-traveled girl who'd experimented sexually with all kinds of men and had a history of stopping having sex with prior boyfriends of hers.

The seducer would notice flashes of desire come across his woman in inconvenient and novel situations (like say a crowded dinner with friends in the heart of downtown). She'd suddenly want some spontaneous, inconvenient sex.

He'd instead try to get her somewhere private. But a 20-minute drive to privacy later and her sex drive would be gone, never to wake up again that night, no matter what he did.

This was a guy who's been with many women and never had a problem turning most of his prior girlfriends on before. But with this girl he was in a sexual desert.

There's a problem with incompatible sex drives that most guys do not realize until they find themselves in a sex drive incompatibility scenario.

Often even when they're IN that scenario, they refuse to see it.

They tell themselves they can fix it.

That they must be doing something wrong themselves.

The fact is we tend to assume that others' sexual reactions to us are a result of us.

When in actuality a whole lot of the way someone reacts is in large part directed by that person's underlying sex drive.

And sex drives are a thing you really cannot change.

You can't train them. You can't 'wake them up' long-term (yes, there is sexual awakening. But it tends to be fleeting; the sex drive spike it brings last maybe 5-10 years).

You can only enjoy drives if they're compatible... or gnash your teeth endlessly if they're not.

Comments

stef jaen diaz's picture

"Infidelity. The final option is to simply take other women on the side and not tell her."
Yes and also be careful you do not get AIDS or give it to your partner or something like that,lol, in my mind, the problem I have with infidelity has more to do with the STD risk than on any emotional damage (I know for other people it is the other way around). Well they are not incompatible at the end and one thing would just add insult to the injury.
Everything else, Awesome article!!

Danny's picture

Chase, this was a phenomenal eye opening piece. This saved me years of therapy and helped me understand a previous relationship that left a huge impact one me where the issue was this mis matched compatibility. My ex was the low drive annoyed type and really made me doubt myself and I ruminated on why for so many years but thi article opened my eyes and this quote from the article “The thing is: when this happens, it is almost NEVER your fault -- and almost ALWAYS a fault of an incompatibility between your and the partner's sex drive.” This quote was the emotional catharsis that I needed period. This quote has made me feel so much better you can’t imagine thank you so much for all the amazing insights and value that you provide.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Danny-

I'm happy to hear it, man.

I've seen guys torture themselves coming out of those relationships. Usually sinking into thinking they blew it with their dream girls.

There's another psychological effect that happens as well: everybody on this site knows if you can get someone to chase, that person will prize whatever he chases more, correct? In a sexually incompatible relationship, the higher drive partner chases the lower drive partner for sex so much and so often he comes to prize her more than he otherwise would.

She then gets elevated in his eyes onto the same kind of dream girl/oneitis pedestal we talk about girls ending up on in my can't stop thinking about her article.

I think a lot of guys don't realize this can happen within a relationship.

But it absolutely can, and in these sexually incompatible relationships it does.

If you're chasing her without satisfaction for a long time (same thing the unrequited lover does with That One Special Girl), eventually you will come to elevate her to a position of near-goddess-ness in your head without realizing you've done so.

Then when the inevitable split comes with this near-goddess, it's torture, because you've given up the best woman in the world.

Every guy who goes through this needs to realize his girl was just a girl, and at least some of her value has been inflated for him by all the chasing he did. Chasing tells the brain "Wow, we're chasing this, so it must REALLY be worth it" and kicks off the escalation of commitment cycle.

Chase

Ambiance 's picture

Hey Chase, fantastic article. I always love your anecdotes and the tiers you come up with for something. I am a very sex drive guy, little under the insatiable metric. Does this mean I should be dating a girl with a very high sex drive? I thought these girls weren’t ideal for the girlfriend role, due to typically having more partners and the consequences of that.

I’ve always screened for Curious/Inquisitive girls within the 2-6 partner mark, and am currently involved with one. 95% of the time I initiate sex and often meet resistance, but we still fuck 5-10 times a week, 21 months in (btw, your recent article on locking in on the clit works WONDERS).

So is there a better partner out there? I don’t love the idea of dating a female version of me, at least when it comes to partner count (a girl as intelligent, gorgeous, hysterical, and seductive as I would be heaven if she existed ;) )

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Ambiance-

Yes, that's a bit of a conundrum, huh?

Many of my very high sex drive friends avoided too many committed relationships until later in life. One friend intermittently had six month to several year relationships while taking girls on the side, then eventually would break up with his girlfriends out of guilt of his side infidelities and some degree of boredom with the relationship. He's now close to 40 and his sex drive has lowered enough he's decided to look for something more stable and longer-term (and went through a period of regretting the "one who got away"... a sweet, caring girlfriend he had a great bond with whom he broke up with to go back to shagging his way through women).

But that is one option, and it's the one I see most often: just don't commit till your drive starts to dip (which eventually it will).

High sex drive girls who are highly experienced I wouldn't recommend for a long-term relationship if fidelity's important to you, no. It's just too much to try to contain/control, and the girl often is not going to want to be contained/controlled that way.

A lot of high drive guys I know don't really care if their girls are hooking up with other guys so long as they themselves are able to keep enjoying more women. If you're in that department, I might look into swinging, sex parties, polyamory, etc.

There's another possibility here too, to keep you with a sexually monogamous, yet also sexually compatible woman, if that's the goal, and that's this: if we're being absolutely 100% specific about what leads to infidelity, it is actually not how high the woman's sex drive is. It is actually her sociosexual orientation -- i.e., how loose vs. reserved she is about sex.

A 2004 study found that sex drive and sociosexual orientation are correlated with lifetime number of sex partners. However, when you look at only sociosexual orientation, it alone can determine lifetime number of sex partners, while sex drive cannot. What that means is this: loose women tend to have higher sex drives, and higher sex drives tend to correlate with women being loose. But while looseness leads to lots of hookups, the sex drive in and of itself does not. It has to be coupled with looseness for that to happen.

So basically what you'd be looking for in that case is a lady on the streets but a freak in the bed -- a girl who hasn't dated a ton, nevertheless has a huge sexual appetite and LOVES sex with the man she's with.

In my experience you can find this with some younger, sexually inexperienced women. They're new to sex, they realize they LOVE it, but they haven't gone through the cycle yet of "beloved boyfriend I had all that great sex with dumps me, now I'm single, might as well try sex with this random guy... OMG I LOVE THIS TOO... let me have sex with more guys... OMG MORE!!!" so they aren't yet brought into the 'loose realm'.

It's a lot of fun when you do find these women though, I'll tell you. They want sex all the time from you, and they've never had it like that with anyone before. Even if they might suspect they'd enjoy sex a lot with other men, they don't really know that -- the only man they have real heaps of pleasure anchored to is you and maybe an ex-boyfriend or two.

You'll also occasionally find high sex drive serial monogamist women, who are insatiable about sex but do not like hooking up outside of relationships. These girls are rarer though... most seem to eventually take the plunge into sleeping with strangers if their drives are high enough.

The goal is to catch them before they make that plunge, if you're looking for one to hold onto in a monogamous relationship.

Chase

Kevin Bogard's picture

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Kevin-

Ah yes, you're right! It was that one.

Just search that page for "How to Avoid Pregnancies" and you'll be at the section.

Chase

Cid K's picture

Excellent article as always Chase! I'd love to read a "how to not get a girl pregnant" article if it's something you could do.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Cid-

As Kevin noted above, I in fact covered it before in my article on rawdogging girls.

Search for "How to Avoid Pregnancies" on that page and you'll find it.

One additional recommendation: if she's to be your girlfriend for any good set amount of time, have her get a copper IUD. 0.8% failure rate per year (which is better than condoms), and you get to go raw on her, dump your loads in her, and never worry about pills or hormones. It feels like a cramp when they're putting it in her and she feels some moderate discomfort for a day or two then feels fine. After it's in a week you're good to go with her. One girlfriend of mine who got an IUD commented if she knew it would be that painless and easy she'd have gotten one a long time ago.

The drug IUD has an even lower failure rate (0.2% per year) than the copper, but then you're pumping progesterone into her system and messing up her hormonal balance, same as with the birth control pill. I am generally not a fan of women on pills... it does weird things to their behavior, inclines them toward wanting relationships with nice guys instead of sexy guys, changes what scents they like in a man (because they start sniffing for men with mismatched immune genes, IIRC), all kinds of odd stuff. Also the drug IUD does not nearly last as long as copper... copper is basically set it and forget it.

Nice thing about IUDs too is if you reach that point where it's time to start putting babies in her, she just visits the gynecologist, he reaches up there with a pair of forceps, grabs the string of the IUD, and pulls it out, and the baby factory is open for business again! No long-term negative effects.

Chase

Tim90's picture

Hey Chase, does a girl who uses vibrators/dildos make her on the higher end of the spectrum?
Thanks,
Tim

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Tim90-

With vibrators, I wouldn't say necessarily so.

I had a very sexually experienced lesbian roommate at one point who gifted a sexually inexperienced girlfriend of mine a vibrator. It was great; it helped her learn to orgasm. She used that thing until it broke, then ordered another. I think she went through three of them before she'd gotten good enough at orgasming from sex with me that she didn't bother ordering vibrators anymore. That girlfriend was moderate-high sex drive.

I've never had a girlfriend who used dildos... or at least not one who admitted to it. So I can't speak from too much direct experience. I've had high sex drive very open flings with girls who used all sorts of sex toys. I would also guess there's a certain mental hurdle for a woman to overcome before she's ready to go online and order herself a big rubber cock... and that that hurdle is probably easier to clear if she's more comfortable with sex.

One other thing to keep in mind about dildos: dildos are for vaginal/cervical stimulation. That means they're the most fun for women who've learned to orgasm vaginally and cervically, which is a minority of women (something like 20%). Typically these are the most sexually comfortable and experienced women, and also typically once a woman has learned to orgasm vaginally she comes to love sex a LOT more.

Based on that I would assume some degree of correlation between a woman's use of dildos and her sex drive and sexual openness/looseness. There's probably some relationship between vibrator user and sex drive/openness as well, but I would presume the relationship is stronger with dildos.

Chase

stef jaen diaz's picture

It would be interesting to analize the demographics of who is buying all those sex toys (big horse shaped dildos) during the lockdowns, that may give us some estimate about true human(female) nature.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Stef-

Gotta say, I did not even realize that was a thing.

A quick web search reveals it to be so.

Some reviews I found for a 10" rubber horse dildo...

Looks like this user recommends you start with the wolf cock, and work your way up to horse:

amazon horse dildo review

Here's a fellow who apparently uses this horse dildo on his woman... apparently there were no real horses around:

amazon horse dildo review

This gentleman Logan Kruse, who appears to be a furry (a quick search for 'bad dragon toys' confirms these to be "fantasy-themed sex toys" popular among that demographic), reports that while this 10" horse penis dildo is not the "biggest gun in his arsenal" he is still happy with its size and "getting it in" is not too much of a problem:

amazon horse dildo review

The things you learn...!

Chase

Loukas's picture

Very useful piece! If I had to one article to read from your relationship content, this would be it.
A comment:
Moderate-low myself, like 2-3 times a week is just fine. I used to be moderate-high when younger and bang girls to the floor for 45min to 1 hr, mostly every other day, but now I prefer work, as I still have shit to do. The first time I had a higher sex drive girlfriend, boy was it disturbing!! (I was in the middle of young aggressiveness and adult ambitions) The sole reason I parted with her was that I could not work. Ok she was cluster B an the sex was beyond the roof, but seeing my output diminish.... unacceptable.
An observation:
I found another edition of the low to very low, once every 1-2-3 weeks low, but with a very strong need to orgasm everytime,.She bursts to tears if she does not, to release the tension.
I struggled at first just like you described in the article, but then I accepted it as it was and lowered my expectations, as it had benefits on my productivity and it was (is) controllable. I know I can forget about sex when there is no time for it and everything will be fine. (low to very low girls are usually very fidel and care for marriage, b/c dicks, who cares!)
She is now carrying my child and is soon to be taken as a wife. I made the sincere choice and its working pretty well. So this is my observation, your writing here was too linear, it made sense ( I wouldn't expect anything else from a masterful logician like you) but it misses the non linearities, e.g. her and my case. I'm ten years older than her and as my sex drive falls we'll meet on the middle. Unless she turns into a cougar of course, in which case I'll have to up my game, or get rid of her an dfind someone that suits me then.

Kudos once again, great stuff!!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Loukas-

I'm happy for you! Sounds like it's working out well right now.

Keep in mind that women's hormones do not follow the same trajectory men's do:

hormones over time

So part of the risk ends up being what happens to her drive once she's past 35.

A lot of marriages you see where the marriage crumbles due to sex drive incompatibility start to crumble after 35 as the woman draws near menopause.

I'm not an expert on older female sex drives though, so I can't project well that far out. I'm also not sure what other factors influence older women's sex drives aside from estrogen production -- I'm sure there are some.

Here's hoping your arrangement stays strong! Sounds like the rest of the relationship is sound otherwise, and sex is just about right for now.

Chase

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