Why Men Lose Women: It's Not Hypergamy – It's Something Else | Girls Chase

Why Men Lose Women: It's Not Hypergamy – It's Something Else

Chase Amante

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why men lose women
Many men think women leave them for a Bigger, Better Deal: a richer guy, a better-looking guy, a higher status guy. But hypergamy is not why men lose women. Instead, it's something else.

The other day, a friend shared a YouTube video with me from a guy on a channel called Entrepreneurs with Cars. The guy in the video (his name's Richard Cooper) seemed like an intelligent, thoughtful guy who genuinely wanted to help men, and I couldn't help liking him.

He made some points about women leaving men, and men's need to be aware this might happen, I thought were perfectly solid. He also has a bunch of nice little quippy phrases, like, "she's not yours, it's just your turn," and, "a woman should be a compliment to your life, not the focus." This is useful stuff for the ordinary clueless man to hear, although the advice is imperfect (I'll discuss why below); regardless, it's going to help wake a lot of guys up.

However, in this video, Cooper attributes the tendency of women to leave men to something you see strewn about the red pill / manosphere community: hypergamy.

That is to say, a very manospherian variety of hypergamy, better described as, "She's always looking for the Bigger, Better Deal."

It is when you stop chasing excellence, Cooper says, that women decide they're through with you.

You can watch the video here:

Women might not leave right away if you stop chasing excellence, he says.

Maybe it might take a while.

Nevertheless, once your pursuit of excellence ends, a countdown timer starts, during which you can either get back on track or get left in the dust.

Is this right?

Well, it's close... but it's no cigar.

Because it is not, in actuality, hypergamy -- nor even the end of chasing excellence -- that causes women to leave.

And there is indeed a cause, and it is indeed something you can control for.

However, the actual cause of why women leave is, in fact, something else.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.

GET CHASE’S ONE DATE SYSTEM

Comments

Bizzy's picture

I would never listen to any of these MGTOW wannabe alphas, they certainly cope their way out of misery by lying to themselves and their audience. However, even though your article makes sense it comes down to the same conslusion that Mgtow guy said in the begining: hypergamy.

You said: "Women expect your behavior to stay the same or become even stronger compared to how you were when you got together with them". How can you stay the same or possibly get stronger? It's impossible because we are humans and have feelings too. If Johny Depp and Brad Pitt were on top of the mountain, then the only way left is going down. You can't stay on top forever and you can't go any higher either. So if I woman expects you to still hold frame and act the same way you did 10 year ago, that is delusional on her part. Of course a woman doesn't care but in the end hypergamy still seems to be the reason for it. She leaves you because you are losing. She might even date someone below your status but who has the potential to get where you once were. In other words, the reason is still hypergamy. Don't you think?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Bizzy-

It's still not hypergamy.

One partner leaving because the other partner set expectations then failed to meet them is not "dating/marry up" or "looking for the Bigger, Better Deal."

Let's say you have a good friend you like to go skiing with and go out to nightclubs to talk to girls together with. One day your buddy announces he's tired of skiing and the two of you should start singing karaoke instead, and that he has a girlfriend now and rather than going out to nightclubs to hit on girls he'd like you to join him Friday and Saturday night just hanging out with him, his girlfriend, and a few other friends in a low-key setting sipping on brewskis. If you really like skiing and you want to continue meeting girls, this relationship has suddenly changed, and no longer meets your expectations.

You'll probably try to make it work for a while, but unless your buddy finds some other way to meet your needs you are going to strike out sooner or later in search of new friends. It's not that you are "friending up" or "looking for the Bigger, Better Dude" but that when you have certain expectations, and when someone you're in a relationship with declares he can no longer meet those, you're going to start to question the relationship and look around for a more suitable one.

Frame-wise, same deal. If you have a friend who is a cool, solid dude who is always fun to be around, then something happens and he turns into a complete whiny pussy, you'll cut him some slack for a while and hope he recovers but eventually if it persists he is going to turn into a real drag. Again, when you start to distance yourself from him, he might accuse you of "trying to find better friends"... but is it because you have some kind of "friend hypergamy"?

Not really. It is because people want to be around strong, cool people with solid frames, and they do not like to be around weaklings. Nobody likes weak men. Men don't like them as friends, and women don't like them as mates.

An attractive, poor woman working at the supermarket choosing a poor, average-looking guy with a strong frame whom she sees everyday in her neighborhood over the richer, good-looking guy with a needy frame who hits on her at the checkout counter is not hypergamy. If the poor, average-looking guy with a strong frame sets expectations that he will be an attentive lover, however, then gets blasted drunk with his boys all the time and ignores this girl, and she leaves him for another poor, average-looking guy with a strong frame, is that hypergamy? No, it's still not.

How can you stay the same or possibly get stronger? It's impossible because we are humans and have feelings too. If Johny Depp and Brad Pitt were on top of the mountain, then the only way left is going down. You can't stay on top forever and you can't go any higher either. So if I woman expects you to still hold frame and act the same way you did 10 year ago, that is delusional on her part.

Among 'top of the mountain' guys, look at Clint Eastwood.

He's nowhere near his peak in the 1960s and '70s. But he is a rock-solid guy who was still going around fathering children with women left and right until at least a few decades later. He won't even confirm how many children he's fathered. It's at least eight, with at least six different women. Half of his known children date from after his prime. Women go nuts for this guy.

Look at Mick Jagger. Same deal as Clint Eastwood. Harrison Ford also seems to be doing fine for himself, despite being well past his prime. And so on.

Being past your prime does not need to break you. It breaks some men. Other men, it doesn't.

The problem is when a man ties too much of himself to his present external condition. When your ego is tied to, "How I'm doing right now determines how I feel about myself," you are going to be subject to this boom-and-bust thing that gets a lot of guys. This is where you get guys who are "on top of the world" when things are going well for them, then descend into the gutter when their stars fall.

I have a hard time imagining a guy like Eastwood saying, "Nobody's talking about me anymore -- boohoo!"

Again, this is not hypergamy, this women leaving a guy whose frame collapses or who fails to meet expectations he set.

This is just normal human behavior: we don't want to be around people we previously vetted and found to be on our level, who now are behaving like they are not on our level. And we don't want to be around people we established our relationship around doing certain things / expecting certain things, only for them to throw that out later and quit delivering on those things.

Chase

AT's picture

Hi Chase. Just wanted to ask you about something I read in another article of yours ("3 Steps to Help her Orgasm from Sex". You wrote:

"If she's a virgin when you meet her and you are her first lover, unless she's the extremely quiet, uncurious type, then yes - the sexual awakening you cause in her by leading her to explosive, powerful orgasms will probably eventually destroy your relationship. Death by curiosity... that'll be what goes on the autopsy report."

It had never occurred to me that this might happen actually, but it got me thinking. Obviously when you're dating or in a casual relationship situation it's simple to cut your losses and move on, but say you're in a serious LTR or even a marriage to an inexperienced virgin where that obviously isn't an option. How would you manage this sort of phenomenon then?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

AT-

Well, the number one way is keep her pregnant / managing babies.

Past a certain age, if a woman never satisfies her sexual curiosities, her sex drive declines enough that it ceases to be a real threat to your relationship. I'd put that age at somewhere in the 35-40 age range for an otherwise-satisfied woman.

If she's unsatisfied in the relationship, of course, she's always going to be curious about other guys. Even if she's way past her sexual awakening, or hasn't had one yet. That's just the nature of dissatisfaction.

But! If you're running things right, if she's very happy with you, and she is busy chasing after the brood of children you've impregnated her with / waddling around with your seventh kid in her, she has neither the leisure time to indulge in this kind of experimentation nor the energy to do so.

Most first world couples do not have a lot of children, and this is (to my mind) the #1 reason why the divorce rate is so, so, shockingly high. I know a lot of people use LTRs for companionship or comfort or security or sex, but these are all secondary benefits of such relationships -- the reason humans evolved serious romantic pair-bonds in the first place was to rear and provide for children in a joint environment. If that purpose isn't being served, there are naturally fewer binds holding the less-committed partner (or both partners!) to the relationship.

So, I would say: if you don't intend to have a lot of babies with her, don't get into a serious relationship with a girl who has her sexual awakening with you.

If you are in a serious relationship with a woman you give a sexual awakening to, and you're not going to knock her up, you will forever be chasing her around, trying to frame-control her into not wanting to experiment. I've seen some very skilled, very attractive seducers do this, and the most they ever make it is a couple of years. Eventually the girl gets her experimentation in, one way or another.

If kids are out, or not in the cards for you yet at this point in your life, you should probably not be trying to get into perpetual ever-after-type relationships with women you sexually awaken.

tl;dr: if you're going to sexually awaken her, either let her experiment (FWB / open relationship) OR keep her barefooted and pregnant. Otherwise, you're in for some probable misery.

(there's an exception here for low sex drive women. I don't date these kinds of women myself... but I'd have to imagine their experimental drives are not that strong, and likely easily rerouted. So these might be an option if you want to keep things serious but not have kids and not have her stray or pull away from the relationship -- just get a woman for whom sex is not that desired/important)

Chase

AT's picture

Very interesting insights. Thanks Chase.

African boyo's picture

You touched on something important here but is this also not a case of mental models clashing. Ie girl brought up to believe that once she gets married she will be spoiled endlessly and live happily ever after vs guy: once I achieve all that I can and get married I will be served and encouraged and live happily ever after. Neither party recognizes that their expectations of each other have increased and grow to resent each other when what they thought would happen doesn't. Ie classic my husband works too much he never does anything exciting vs my wife doesn't do enough to show she appreciates me enough even though I work hard everyday

Author
Chase Amante's picture

African Boyo-

Yes, these expectations are pretty crucial to deprogram women from.

Tell you what, this falls under the same purview as another question I received in another comment about deprogramming women from various ideologies they've been inculcated with. Because this is the same thing: "After marriage I will be happy", "My husband will make a lot of money magically and simultaneously always have time to dote on me", etc.

So I will roll these up into one proper treatment on dealing with women's incoming worldviews and life expectations that you want to disabuse them of.

Look for that soon!

Chase

Anonymous guy's picture

You're wrong about Will and Jada chase. If you listened to what they said in their interview you would know that they were already seperated and not living together or involved in each other when august alsina came into Jada's life. They were technically married and Jada got into a relationship with august,but they were broken up except on legal documents. So unless you're calling it an affair because they didn't divorce it wasn't a scenario where jada wanted to leave her longtime husband to be with the young stud rapper. You know divorces are messy,complicated and take time,but their relationship by all means was fractured and was never going to be the same. The only thing left to salvage for them was to be in good terms and maintain a friendship and be good parents to their children.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Here's what Jada says (to Will):

“Luckily enough, you and I were also going through a process of healing in a different manner. I would definitely say we did everything we could to get away from each other, only to realize that wasn’t possible,” she said. “I just wanted to feel good. It had been so long since I felt good.”

All I can say is just... lol.

Like, a commiserating "lol."

I went through that exact thing with an ex-wife myself, many years back.

We separated after a long decline in the relationship (and my, like Will's, lack of fidelity. That wasn't the main cause of the split, but it was a trigger for it). Then we got back together. But while we'd been separated she started seeing this other dude and had her fling with him. Then she kept seeing him on the low for a bit once we started back up.

Eventually she dropped him and decided she was only going to be with me again. Showed me some movie where the husbands and wives took a break from each other and the wives had these exciting flings with young guys. Meanwhile the husbands got miserable knowing their wives were being skewered by the young dudes. Eventually the wives got it out of their systems and realized the husbands were the ones for them. So they calmly and in their strong and empowered ways told the husbands they should get back together, and the husbands eventually agreed. Happily ever after.

Except it doesn't feel like happily ever after if you're in the husband role. Because you know your wife was getting the shit fucked out of her while she still had your last name. Even if you were "separated" she was STILL yours, and she was still letting some other man cuck you with her.

When you take her back, you feel it. You know it. And it puts you in this weird place of total self-doubt, where you're not sure if you really want to dump this gal, because she IS great, but at the same time you know the relationship will never, ever be the same again. And not in a good way.

And the woman gives you that same smirk that Jada gives to Will -- that "I did it, and I had my fun, and I got away with it, I got my revenge on you for fucking all those skanks, and now I got you back. And now you know how it's gonna be." And you can feel that she feels totally in control now. But there is also this new tension between you because she knows she did something wrong and she is a little afraid you are going to grab your nuts at some point and she won't get away with it. Typically she just wants to move on from it ASAP and forget it even happened lest she lose you again for real.

Breaking myself out of that was one of the hardest things. Because the drama was done, everything was nice again, it was just... not a good dynamic to still be in. Even though the woman is being happy and cooperative again and trying to not talk about it and move past it.

Lucky thing for me at the time was not having kids. It'd be harder to get out of that situation if you have kids together. So I do feel for Will.

But yeah, you gotta get out of that.

I spent a lot of time doing what WIll does in that video, making it "clear that that happened" -- we took our space, broke up, thought we weren't getting back together. (isn't it funny how he is very careful to tell Jada they have to "make that clear"? Why's that so important to him? It's important because he needs to maintain the narrative in his head that "she was mine, then she stopped being mine, fucked this other guy, then later she was mine again" -- this is exactly what I was doing in his position)

But as a man, you know deep in your bones, that you didn't actually split, because there you are again, still together, except she had some other dude turning her guts out. You can see it on Will's face and hear it in his voice, same thing I was doing when I was in that position. It felt super awkward every time I had to talk about it with anyone, and I knew it was bullshit. She never stopped being "my woman" when we split, and she was still "my woman" when some other dude was plowing her.

(and technically, we were split; the new guy was her FWB or boyfriend; when we got back together she was framing it as "We are FWB!" -- so that is one framing, and it is technically correct. But emotionally, it is really not)

If you haven't gone through it, you might not grasp what that does to a man's psyche.

But it ain't a fun time.

I dunno if Will's going to get out of it. Seems like most guys don't.

Healthiest thing you can do for yourself at that point though really is to just cut bait and get yourself a new girl you don't have that kind of history with.

Here's the full interview for anyone interested (it's kind of hard to find online):

Chase

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