How to Vanquish Sexual Shame (and Free Yourself to Sex) | Girls Chase

How to Vanquish Sexual Shame (and Free Yourself to Sex)

Chase Amante

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sexual shame
Sexual shame can debilitate you in bed, or make you fear intimacy (or feel bad about it after). However, there are 3 effective methods to overcome it.

On an article of Tony Depp's about reasons guys can't get laid, reader Anonym requests a piece on sexual shame:

"Hi,

you wrote "I was surprised how many men were ashamed of their sexuality." I wonder why do you wonder. The question for me is how can someone not to have sexual shame? What is more interesting that although this is a big topic which deserves series of articles, there are almost no articles about it on GC. There are many great detailed articles about huge amount of topics, but not about this sexual (and emotional) shame. There are articles about how to sexually liberate women, but not about how to sexually liberate yourself. I believe this is a big problem for many men, whatever the reason might be (conservative family background, religion, emotional traumas or feminist campaign against sexual violence). Perhaps an idea to consider. I believe I am not the only man who would appreciate it.

Thanks, Anonym"

I liked the topic. So I guess I beat Tony to the punch here.

There are, very roughly, two kinds of shame associated with sex:

  1. There's sex regret, in which an individual has sex, then feels bad about it after. Sex regret is where you do the Walk of Shame after a night with someone you kind of wish you hadn't spent the night with, thinking back.

  2. And then there's true blue sexual shame... in which an individual feels embarrassment often even so much as just thinking about sex, let alone pursuing it/engaging in it.

These two kinds of sexual shame are different sides of the same coin. Some part of the individual believes sex, or at least the sex he's thinking about or engaging in, is wrong.

Because he feels it's wrong, he feels ashamed to have engaged in it... or to have considered engaging in it.

In other words, sexual shame is the guilt or embarrassment an individual feels after engaging in a sex act, or when considering sex or being around something sexual in nature. This shame or guilt traces in most cases to a religious or ideological upbringing that implicitly or explicitly portrayed sex as 'dirty', 'irresponsible', or 'wrong'. Sexual shame, unaddressed, can lead to side effects that range from sexual dysfunction to depression and self-doubt.

If you're reading, I assume you don't want sexual shame.

Today we're going to talk about what causes this shame. We'll talk about the effects it has.

And then we'll discuss what you can do to free yourself of it.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.

GET CHASE’S ONE DATE SYSTEM

Comments

Senitibo 's picture

Fantastic article, as always Chase.

One thing that always piques my curiosity is the hints you’ve given about embracing your faith. In this article you said men must have faith. I believe you but I would love to know in more detail some of your views on that subject, as I find it a little tricky to reconcile that deeper need for higher purpose with many aspects of modern urban life.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Senitibo-

I did try to leave it more open for interpretation. I think most people have a sense of "something more than materialism", even if they can't pin down exactly what that is. However, if someone doesn't have that, no big deal. Although someone who doesn't and has never had that isn't so likely to have dealt with sexual shame. One exception I can think of is if he suffered trauma or abuse related to sexuality growing up.

As for me... well, I had a personal spiritual journey over the course of about 20 years. That took me from Christian to atheist to agnostic to "spiritual but not religious" to... well, I am not quite sure what you would call it. Religious superposition, perhaps. If someone asked me "Do you believe in Christianity, Buddhism, materialism, atheism, ancestor worship... what do you believe in?" there is not an answer I could give that would immediately satisfy without explanation. The short explanation would be "they're all parts of the same whole."

For me, Gregory Shushan's Conceptions of the Afterlife in Ancient Civilizations and Bhikku Bodhi's In the Buddha's Words played essential roles. Conceptions finished opening my mind up to spirituality again, and Buddha's Words gives you step-by-step instruction for what is essentially the "go and do it and see it for yourself" approach to spirituality. I talked about both books in my article on Lubbock's List (which you might've read, since you mentioned me mentioning spirituality before, and I don't think I've touched on it too many places on GC).

Before reading either book, I had a sort of... spiritual incident? Which was really what piqued my interest in the subject again. I am somewhat loathe to discuss that sort of thing, however, as it risks making you look like an unserious person. Even most religious people only accept spiritual incidents that conform to their religious paradigm, and reject those of other religious paradigms.

Regardless, I look at religion, spirituality, etc., these days as many different roads to the same destination. I even look at atheism, agnosticism, and things of that nature as different roads to that same destination. The important thing seems to be picking the road that feels like it will best get you there, and exploring it to the fullest (e.g., as an atheist, and later an agnostic, my big question was always "Well, what came before?" The more you ask yourself this, and refuse to give yourself an easy out ["Well, I can't know about it, so it's not worth thinking about, and I will hence just assume this existence is all there is and anything outside the universe must be just like this existence too, similarly random and meaningless, all the way up the chain" -- no easy outs like this], the closer you get to that singular destination).

Hope that is helpful. I don't want to go too into my own path, since it is a bit different for each man, and what resonated with one may not resonate with another. However, if you start with whatever belief (or non-belief) you have now, and start to ask yourself the difficult questions, and refuse to make assumptions (like "Well it is unknownable so therefore it is meaningless"), you will start the irreversible process to that same destination.

One tip I would have for that, is try to find the questions that make your brain lock up:

  • "The universe started with the Big Bang. So what started the Big Bang?"
  • Whatever your answer to the prior question, then ask "And what started THAT?"
  • Retrocausality may be real; some resesearch suggests it is. If it is, and there's really no reason it couldn't be (would be perfectly normal for physics to work that way, except that people aren't used to thinking of it that way), then some/many things happen because they have to happen to produce the futures that require them. What does it mean if the universe works this way?

These are a few questions you can ponder from inside a purely materialist/atheistic framework. You do not need to consider a deity or any kind of intelligent supernatural force. The only point of the exercise is to ask these questions and try to reason through them, without giving yourself any cheats (and to me, "there's a bearded man in the sky who puppet masters everything and lets people die because he works in myserious ways" is as much a cheat as "well it's all just totally random and meaningless, which I know even if I can't explain how it could possibly have started" is... people accept both unthinkingly and unquestioningly, when the point is not to accept at all, but to question).

Chase

Kamuzu Banda's picture

Senitibo, as far as faith related issues, I would recommend u check out either Andrew Wommack or Joseph Prince. These 2 guys are the Chase Amantes of the faith world. Their teachings are logical and infused with analytical bite. Unfortunately, JP's stuff is expensive but worth it's weight in Gold. On the other hand, Andrew is generous and gives away all his teachings for free. You can check them out on his YouTube channel called "Andrew Wommack". Cheers!

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