How a Woman’s Self-Esteem Issues Can Make Her Bail Out of a Courtship | Girls Chase

How a Woman’s Self-Esteem Issues Can Make Her Bail Out of a Courtship

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woman's self esteem in dating
You could have a woman seduced and ready to have sex. You two could even be naked in bed. But certain self-esteem issues can still make her bail if you’re not careful.

A woman’s self-esteem is one of her greatest assets – and it’s perhaps THE most important emotional state to keep in mind when pursuing a woman. It is self-esteem that is the root cause behind the notion of auto-rejection, the notion of reputation management, and even the role of backward-rationalization in the dating process.

“Do you really find me attractive?”

“What if the sex is bad?”

Quite simply, self-esteem plays in to how much a girl likes you based on how much validation you provide when you’re with her. And since almost no woman wants to feel bad about herself, the better you can make a woman feel, the more she’ll start to see you as a guy who makes her feel good about herself.

My purpose in this article series is to make you aware of different ways your seductions can go wrong – at any stage – if you’re not careful to manage a woman’s self-esteem. How a woman feels about herself with you determines how she feels about being with you and having sex with you.

And just to note before we get started, this is different from teasing and playful banter, which can be good to spark attraction and create sexual tension. What we’re talking about in this article series is how some things you do or say can make her bail on a date (or even from your bed) because she doesn’t want to risk damage to her self-esteem.

Varoon RajahAbout the Author: Varoon Rajah

A New York City native, Varoon’s studied under many of the seduction industry’s leading instructors. His specialty is direct day game, where he meets girls on the street, on the subway, and in coffee shops. Varoon is the host for the Girls Chase Podcast, available on iTunes or via SoundCloud.



Tomas's picture

Hi Varoon,

I have a story and wonder whether it's related to self-esteem.

I met a woman. She was not very attractive, but still decent looking and nice. I had only one hour time for her. We were walking in the park, sitting, talking etc. She felt embarrassed to look into my eyes, but the talk was good.

Actually, I wasn't turned on, but I still liked her. I took her hand and kissed her. She reciprocated passionately and almost threw herself into my arms. We talked and kissed more. Then, the hour was over. She offered me to visit her at her place next time and explained me where she lived,

She texted me first, some two hours after the date, very kindly.

Next morning, she appologized in a text that actually, she hadn't felt the right spark with me and preferred not to meet again.

Varoon - I am an advanced seducer and the stories like this one do happen. What's the common reason for this incongruent behavior? Wasn'ŧ there really a spark for her? Or there was, but she felt she made herself too easy for me? Or was she afraid I'd leave her after sex? What do you think?

Regards, Tomas

Varoon Rajah's picture

Hi Tomas,

The long and short of your story is that yes it is completely related to self esteem - in fact, it is a factor of attainability, which is what the whole self esteem thing comes down to.

There actually WAS a spark for her - you just didn't move fast enough with her, and that's what killed it for you. What you're basically saying is that you liked her, and she liked you. In fact, she liked you a lot! All her signs were indicative of a girl who is super into you - reciprocating passionately, throwing her into your arms, you talking and kissing more, and her even talking about coming to your place. She also texted you two hours after the date,

I'm not sure what you did about any of these things - the clearest thing to me here is that you should have moved fast. You should have gone to your place, to her place, and you should have escalated to sex and had it quickly. On the alternative, you could also set up the next meet as soon as she texted you back - basically she's showing you a LOT of interest, so you have to match her investment and lead to the next step.

But, it sounds like you didn't - and instead she basically backwards rationalized the whole thing as you being much higher value than her, and not available for what she wants - and thus she's going into autorejection and backing out of it because she doesn't want to find that out later. She's knows you're higher value than her, and she knows she's not going to get what she really wants from you long term. Rather than find that out later on in the process and get hurt, she's cutting herself from that possibility to protect her self esteem.

So to answer your questions:

  • There really was a spark from her to you, which you didn't capitalize on.
  • She probably felt she made it too easy and you wouldn't reciprocate when she did, so she rationalized that you don't like her as much as she likes you.
  • All girls are afraid of a guy leaving them after sex, though - that's just something you must internalize for women. They all have that fear.


Tomas's picture

Than you for the answer. Varoon. The main problem here is that sometimes you just cannot move quicker.


Varoon Rajah's picture

I am a huge proponent and fan of making sure I have proper logistics and waiting for the right context before actually meeting a girl. There was one time I actually stalled on a date with one girl for four weeks just to make sure that we actually had the appropriate time to meet - she kept suggesting times that were, say, in the afternoon and away from my area, then telling me she only had two hours before having to meet another friend for whatever, or had other plans.

Those were all no-go's and I simply told her that we can reschedule for another time when she's more available and free.

Finally we met four weeks later in HER area (less ideal) but at that point it was doing that or not having it at all, and she had the evening free. And, that night we ended up grabbing drinks, then going for tapas somewhere, then driving to her place where we made out in my car, and FINALLY because she wasn't showing any signs of leaving the car, I just started driving to my place and we had sex that night.

So - I always recommend meeting girls with proper logistics so that you CAN move quickly. I hope that's helpful for you, Tomas - it sounds like girls really like you off the bat, so you just need to set it up so that you can capitalize on it. Remember - you're the man, you're the leader, you tell the girl when and where to meet, and you set up the seduction. She's just a passive player who will follow you and hope it works out.


1984's picture

Hey Varoon great article as usual. Your series on self esteem is very illuminating and I can't wait for the rest of the series.

So having ED makes the girl's self esteem drop because she doesn't know if a guy truly like her. What about a guy not cumming despite prolonged sex or blowjob? Does her self esteem take a big hit as well to the point of auto rejection? I'm asking since I encountered something like that.

Also, what would you have done differently about Nora if you were to do the escalation again? What would you say (or not say)? Because I don't think the ED is within your control; seems like it was an unusual occurence.

Coolman3000's picture

Bruh, id like a response to this one as well. In my experience, YES, cause what it seemed to be to me is that they feel you dont like them enough to cum, or they feel that you dont find them attractive enough to cum. So they take it as a self esteem hit. That seems to me to be why the Pros on this site reccomeend that a guy cum in her pussy every time you have sex at least until you two have been together for a while, and never finish on her chest or in her mouth. You want her to know that youre into her. Women have a powerful drive and compulsion to draw sperm from men, and if they like you, then they want you to like them too. And you cumming during sex is proof of that. Here is something i did with my ex: I can literally pound away for an hour if i wanted to, and still not cum. Bigger problem is, i get tired and bored. So what i do is let her ride, and take a break. I let her work for it. After about 5-10 minutes, BOOM, and ive never seen a woman more satisfied before in my entire life. Letting her ride gives me a break, and also gives her sexual power and freedom to unleash herself and dominate. Its hella sexy and adds to the experience, and thus turning me on and bringing me to climax. Afterwards, she was more into me than when we began. Point is, yeah, bro, make it a point to climax during sex, and let her do some of the work as well. Sex is a two way street, and she wants to please you just as much as you want to be pleased.

If anyone disagrees or has a counter to this, id love to hear it.

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