How to Build a Harem, Pt 1: Queen Theory | Girls Chase

How to Build a Harem, Pt 1: Queen Theory

Chase Amante

Hey! Chase Amante here.

You've read all the free articles I can offer you for this month.

If you'd like to read more, I've got to ask for your help keeping the lights on at Girls Chase.

Click a plan below to sign up now and get right back to reading. It's only 99¢ the first month.

Already a GirlsChase.com subscriber? Log in here.

Varoon Rajah's picture

queen theory
In Part 1 of the harem series, we talk about Queen Theory: how women position themselves as long-term partners and jockey for roles and status.

Having created a constantly evolving harem for the past three years running multi-dating relationships, as well as having dated some of these women for 3+ YEARS in this arrangement, it’s time to share with you a series of articles that covers my experience and lessons learned.

So if you’ve been considering such relationships, or you’ve been experimenting with them but have run into issues, this series is for you. We’ll cover all the facets of dating several women at a time (i.e., any relationship non-monogamous in nature), and we’ll go over what it takes to do so successfully and with minimal drama.

To begin, we will cover the first of three biggest concerns in a woman’s dating life. Those concerns are:

  1. Catching and keeping the top man

  2. Her self-interest

  3. Her reputation

Women use the social and sexual marketplaces to advance their own agenda. Thus all these factors are important.

The way to handle the first concern is to understand all the implications of Queen Theory, which is the focus of this article.

A few months ago, I wound up in a threesome with one of my multiple long-term relationship (mLTR) girlfriends and her girl friend. My girlfriend had an event one Sunday, to which she invited me and two of her girl friends. I met her there and proceeded to grab drinks. Over the course of the event, one of her girl friends took a liking to me, and I took a liking to her.

I cleared my intention with my girlfriend before giving both girls a ride home. But instead of them going home, we ended up at my place. Long story short, one thing led to another and we started to get into a threesome.

Everything was going perfectly. I was watching and playing with two sexy women while they played with each other. Eventually, after having our fun, we all fell asleep together – me in between these two sexy girls.

In the morning around 5:00am, I started to feel horny, and my girlfriend motioned me to play with her while the friend slept. I tried my best but just couldn’t get hard. In that moment, I actually desired the other girl, not my girlfriend. Needless to say, I stopped trying after failing for a little while, then went back to sleep.

An hour or so later, I started escalating on the friend, and my girlfriend went to the bathroom. I then started shagging the friend, but when my girlfriend got back, she was very annoyed. She said “ahem,” indicating for me to stop. Once the friend left a little later, my girlfriend and I didn’t have sex; instead, we spent the next hour going over what happened and my feelings for her and the friend. I was forced to handle some drama and her concerns that I didn’t value my girlfriend sexually like I did the new girl.

While I submitted to her frame (honestly, I probably shouldn’t have; I gave her too much power there), I learned how important it is to understand Queen Theory.

Queen Theory in a nutshell:

  • Every woman who is dating a man in an emotional capacity wants to feel like she’s the #1 woman in his life. Always.

  • No woman wants to share her man emotionally. Always.

Comments

Alexander's picture

Hey Varoon, amazing article! Great insights here.

One question though: how do you answer the girls when they ask to meet the others? Do you simply say "no," and move on? Or do you have a short talk with her that you're with her now, and the others don't matter? To rather enjoy your time together?

Thanks brother!

Take care

-Alex

Author
Varoon Rajah's picture

Hey Alexander! Glad you liked it.

Hmm, good point. I think this is worth adding into an article later down the series. Let's break it down here real quick, though.

There are a couple of approaches I use, and it really depends on the girl. In this setup since you've been dating the girl for a while before she asks this, you'll know her personality pretty well and should be able to craft a custom message that conveys the following:
1. I really care about you and desire you, and you are my #1.
2. I enjoy the way we currently spend our time together, and would like to continue doing it this way.

Here are my strategies:

1. Deflection. As in "yeah, maybe one day you can meet them, but right now I'm enjoying us and I really just want to spend our time together when we're together. I don't want or care to have anyone else in the picture when we're together." Sometimes the deflection can be as short as "yeah, maybe some day..." or "yeah, maybe later..." and trail off. Usually a more detailed answer is better, since this is still another way of her assessing status, allowing you an opportunity to make her feel secure.

2. Honesty. "Yeah, I don't really want that. I think it could make things messy, and that would be silly because I'm really enjoying and loving the way things are right now with us. Why do you want to meet them?" "Oh, okay. Well, it's not something I'm open to right now. I'll think about it later down the line."

3. Run With It, Create a Threesome. This one's more fun but also more challenging. With this one, you need your mLTR girlfriend to only meet a girl who is an FB level or lower - someone you value less than the mLTR, and also someone who is naturally less desirable to you than the mLTR. In this scenario you just have them meet over some date with good logistics near your home, and then facilitate a threesome between them. Threesome experience helps a lot with creating this, since it involves a lot of sex talk and framing. In this situation I give 60% of my attention to the mLTR and 40% to the other woman. The big downside of this approach is that by moving down this path you're effectively acknowledging that the second girl is going to leave you somewhere down the line, since she will determine that you are not available for an emotionally involved relationship after meeting your mLTR, and she will have to look elsewhere for a man to be her primary guy. This will give the Queen what she wanted - so for this to work well a guy has to be good at replacing women easily. But, it will also raise your value in both girl's eyes. The second girl might continue to be a secret FB.

Let me know if this churns any more questions and send them this way!

Alexander Abraham's picture

I just had a small talk today/yesterday with a woman that was over about just this kinda thing. It's nice to see that I'm not the only one that believes this can be possible (even other woman-experienced men believe that I'm full of shit) and see some of what I'm talking about validated by someone else.

It's also nice to see someone that has way more knowledge on the subject than me writing about it!

Looking forward to the rest of the series! It'll be uber helpful :)

Quick question while I'm thinking of it though: how do you manage the talk with mLTR's rather than a full on open girlfriend relationship (OLTR)? What kinda boundaries do you set for yourself and allow to be set on you? For my personality I'm fine with just a mLTR and a FB but would still like to know for future reference in handling these kind of talks. Thanks!

Author
Varoon Rajah's picture

Hey Alexander,

Thanks, man! Good to see you're exploring this lifestyle too - it's not too uncommon surprisingly, but I've seen a lot of guys muck things up in ways which are easily preventable if a guy just takes time to understand what's going on.

So...the talk. This is actually something I'm going to write an article on later in the series as well (and probably add the comment above into it as well).

Just to clarify, are you referring to *THE TALK* where the girl prompts a guy to see if it's going anywhere, to see if it's a relationship or not? Or are you referring to a different talk? I need some more clarity :).

Alexander Abraham's picture

Welcome! And sounds good to me to put my comment into the article, looking forward to it!

But as for the question; I'm genuinely not too sure... so here's some information lol

Backstory: I'd mentioned a few times to her for the first few months we'd been seeing each other that I don't believe in monogamy. Then I showed her a beautiful video that personally convinced me by Johnny Soporno where he talks about love (and the happy ball). She liked the video (awesome video, though the quality of the video is shit, what he talks about really struck a chord with me).

Fast forward a few months and we're talking about a threesome with one of her new friends who is bisexual and has done quite a few. First for me and her (though I've had numerous almost threesomes.... kind of funny to think about lol). She brought up a few questions which basically boiled down to where she stands with me, even though she knows I'll never be sexually exclusive.

Told her that she's my current number one and I don't see that changing in the foreseeable future. While what I said wasn't as elegant as your article the basic gist of it was the same, that she's my number 1.

Told her that my ideal setup would be a main girl for companionship, sex and emotional warm and fuzzies while I had another or possibly two other women on the side that we just bumped uglies from time to time. No dates other than the kind of required ones in the beginning for the fuckbuddies.

What I think: It didn't really feel too serious of a talk so I don't think it would have been THE TALK, but it was a talk. Plus I've never had THE TALK so I'm a little ignorant about it other than in theory.

But there wasn't any talk of where I or she sees us going long-term. So I don't think it was the big talk. Been dating nearly 5 months though for a little additional info.

Thanks for reading! :)

Author
Varoon Rajah's picture

Alexander,

Yeah, that clears things up a LOT more, haha. Okay, now I get what you're asking.

In my opinion, saying you don't believe in monogamy could go either way. On one hand, it could challenge a girl to be the one who makes you monogamous and that'll up her attraction for you, but it could also make her lose hope and seek out a different guy when she wants monogamy. Girls still want commitment and de-facto societal commitment is monogamy, so you've got to subtly show her the other road purely through your behavior - that is, making her feel special like she has commitment without the monogamy status.

Here's how I would do it: Instead of saying that you don't believe in monogamy I would have withheld this information from her as long as I could, until she absolutely HAS to know where she stands. Usually that occurs at around 3-4 months. Then when she cannot wait any longer to have the talk, I tell her, ", I really like you, and you're awesome and I love spending time with you when we're together, but I'm just not the kind of guy who can be monogamous. I know that might be important to you, and I understand if you have to leave me to find that kind of guy, but...I hope you don't." The key delivery here is to be sincere and to show her that you still care. Hold her close, comfort her, and be there for her.

Note that you ONLY have this talk and tell her this if she brings it up multiple times and HAS to have an answer. Otherwise it's better just to deflect it or ignore it...until she absolutely has to talk about it.

Some girls cry, some girls think about it a few days, other girls just have sex with you right away. I've noticed about 25% of women drop off after the talk, whereas the other 75% stick around and accept your frame. Usually after that point, all you have to do is maintain her feeling of being #1 - because then she has a new goal - it's not monogamy, it's being #1 in your life, and it's your task to maintain it.

I don't think you did the wrong thing, though. Might be refined a bit.

In your case, the real talk happened right prior to your threesome with the bi-sexual girl. Your girl felt threatened by the new girl and wanted to make sure that you see her as the Queen. Which is fine, it happens when it's not clear to her where she stands. Perhaps you can in the future do a better job of making her feel like #1 BEFORE proposing the threesome. However, now that she's asked about her status, all you have to say in that situation is "you know I like you Baby, I always have and you're awesome to me, I wouldn't have it any other way....let's have some fun together!"

*Told her that my ideal setup would be a main girl for companionship, sex and emotional warm and fuzzies while I had another or possibly two other women on the side that we just bumped uglies from time to time. No dates other than the kind of required ones in the beginning for the fuckbuddies.*

Yeah, so here you just told her that the position she desires is to be that #1, and she'll probably ask you often if you've been going on dates (to see if there's any competition). I think a better frame is to not mention the ideal setup, just leave out that extra information about the other girls and let her imagination stir about it. She can create her own reality about you, it makes you more mysterious, and intriguing. This way, she also won't ask about other girls as much later.

Usually it's better to withhold information and address her immediate concerns, rather than telling her your ideal setup and perspective. It prevents future jealousy and makes management easier.

Anyway, this is good fodder for a later article. It still seems like this is developing for you - I'd love to hear where it goes. I hope you had that threesome, too!

Alexander Abraham's picture

And glad I can help stir the creative juices!

I'm the type that has to respond to things systematically, so I'll just respond by paragraphs lol

Paragraph 1: I could see that, and from what I've read from other sources I guess I kind of expect it to go that way more often than not until you find someone that is willing to explore nonmonogamy with you in a deeper way. Definitely still learning so we'll see what happens!

P2: It was more of just making some jokes and a comment here and there. She did just get out of a marriage so that could be a part of why things have gone so smoothly. Not a big enough sample size but I do see what you're saying. Especially with the making her feel special part to help take the edge off and to help cement the bond between the two of you to help her to feel special.

P3: Most definitely! I make sure to follow this advice for just about anything that goes into relationship land of any kind. Learned that the hard way and don't plan on learning that again haha.

P4/5: Yea, definitely needs to be refined a bit. I'll get there though. The goals thing makes sense from other sources that I've read too.

P6: Actually we haven't had the threesome yet, and it was kind of her idea! I've made jokes about it here and there and eventually we fell into a conversation about it. Told her about my numerous almost threesome moments and told her that if it happened great! If it never does I won't be too bummed out about it (not just with her but in life in general, just not a huge priority for me).

That conversation was about two months ago, I think? Not too sure but it has been quite a while and nothing's been said until for Christmas she said she had a surprise for me.

We're still in the talking phase of the threesome. I've told her that her and her friend need to talk about different boundaries that they each have. My only request has been for one specific sexual request (two girl bj just sounds too lovely to not do haha) and that I meet the friend first. Because I've had sex with a girl that wasn't really into it before way back when I was first getting into this stuff a few years ago (my second ever sexual experience lol go me!) and it was a massive boner killer. If the friend, for whatever reason doesn't find me attractive then I won't be actually having sex with her. Those were my two requests.

Talking about boundaries is how it came up that she wanted to know where she stood before we go through with it. And I told her.

P7/8: Yea I definitely agree that I didn't do this in the best way possible, a learning experience for sure. We'll see how it shakes out.

P9: Definitely still developing for me! I've got the courtship phase down pretty well at this point, still getting better of course, but I'm satisfied. Now it's into a new land to conquer *insert muscle man dominating pose*!

Thanks! I'll make sure to write about it, and the lessons learned along the way so other people can benefit too.

But the threesome, if it happens, won't happen until sometime in January. Too much of my own personal shit going on right now that I need to get past first. And I want her to do some more soul searching to see if this is truly something that she wants to, and can, go through with. I think she's excited about it, but also a little afraid and this isn't something that I wanna push, nor care enough to.

I'm in no hurry and will be fine either way.

-Alexander

Author
Varoon Rajah's picture

Yeah, typically girls don't know if they want to explore non-monogamy or not, right off the bat. Most girls go in with the expectation of exploring monogamy - though I've heard from some friends recently that the younger generation seems more open to non-monogamy right off the bat recently. Which is just them saying that they have even higher standards for men, haha. In most cases though, you have to show her non-monogamy being an option through behavior and how you spend time together, not by stating it verbally (which will just make her paranoid). What you want it to feel like is the time you spend together being monogamous, and the other women are SO discreet that she has no idea about them. Later in the series I'll cover frames to make this more realistic.

For the threesome, typically I've talked about boundaries when we're already together and sitting chilling right before the threesome happens. But I also talk about each girl's boundaries separately, not in the context of THAT threesome. Like I'll frame it by asking her "if you were in a room with a sexy guy you were dating and another sexy girl who also wants to play, and we were all about to have fun together, would you have any boundaries?" So you bring that up with each girl way before hand - and then when you're together you can push the threesome forward and lead them into it with their boundaries already in mind - then ask them both at the same time when they're already in front of you about to get naked.

I think the girl is just afraid not of the threesome, but of her female competition, because she clearly likes you and is hoping something happens with you longer term. Women are super practical - she doesn't want to risk losing you to another woman. It all comes back to Queen Theory :).

Pyro's picture

Great insight Varoon Rajah.

I'm currently running a Semi-Monogamous with the woman I love. I'm getting the best of two world's. A loving relationship with a high quality girl and sex on the side with other high quality girls. I told my girlfriend how much she ment to me but how I have this undying urge to fuck other bitches. Then I told her "I NEED to fuck other bitches otherwise I'm out." She had no problem giving me what I wanted as long as I make her my #1 and don't fuck her friends or people she knows.

I have the ability to fuck multiple girls while my girlfriend has to strictly be loyal to me. (And she now loves me even more!) I can verify the info in this article as fact according to my expirience and my current love life.

Looking foward towards this series! Let me know what you think about my scenario if you wish.

- Pyro

Author
Varoon Rajah's picture

Pyro,

Thanks for the comments, man! I'm glad your experience matches Queen Theory :).

Sounds like you've got a good setup going on with your chick, and her rule is fine when it comes to her friends and people she knows (her competition). Just keep it super discreet when you're going after other girls and I think you'll be A-OK!

Marcus Boateng's picture

How do you explain poly amory under this theory?

Author
Varoon Rajah's picture

It's pretty simple in polyamory actually - a girl always has to have a King. So, if she's dating you and that isn't you who is King, it's going to be someone else she's dating (or she's going to find one). Because she can - that's polyamory! Generally guys in polyamory have one "primary" anyway who ends up being the Queen.

Jimbo's picture

That was a very interesting read, Varoon. And I'm saying this as someone who'll probably never be polyamorous in the truest sense of the word, if anything because I don't have the time - between work and the "primary girlfriend", I barely have enough leisure time left for myself. So if I ever stray sexually, it'd be with some one-off one-night-stand at the right place and right time, or a quickie with a hooker.

With that said, it's interesting to read about how women value emotional and other resource-related investment from the man above all else. It's one of those things you always somewhat knew on an intuitive level, but it's still good to read them expounded on in detail like that, because it sort of settles the issue in your head.

Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't tell my girlfriend I might stray sexually on her (when the conversation calls for it), all the while reassuring her of her Main Squeeze status. I think it's good in that this might add some excitement to the relation, but without making her feel so threatened as to create tons of drama because of it.

Fred's picture

Hi so im talking to this girl and she says I should have all the girls i desire it's what gets her off. She wouldnt mind me being polygamous and would stay faithful to me. My girl told me she wouldnt be jealous but would feel compersion instead. I asked "if i had 10 wives you wouldnt mind being last place?" and her answer was "no not at all." I'm so confused by her. Is she being for real? Can you help me understand her psyche? Thank you!

Leave a Comment

One Date girl next to the number one

Get The Girl In Just One Date

It only takes one date to get the girl you want. Best of all, the date's easy to get… and girls love it.

Inside One Date, You'll Learn

  • How to build instant chemistry
  • Ways to easily create arousal
  • How to get girls to do what you want
  • The secret to a devoted girlfriend

…and more great Girls Chase Tech