Pacing and Leading a Girl on a Date or in Bed

Pacing and leading is a potent neurolinguistic programming (NLP) technique used to first match someone’s state, then lead her. It’s extremely useful in dating and seduction.

Ok, so I decided to get into more practical stuff. During the summer I tend to go out so much more, which motivates me to write about more practical stuff.

Before I jump into it, a caveat: this post will be most useful for advanced players.

Sure, as a beginner, there will be a few things in this post that you will enjoy. That being said, this is not what a novice should focus on at first – there are fundamentals that are more key to focus on.

However, if you are an intermediate or even an advanced player, you should absolutely pay attention.

Today’s topic is pacing and leading, a very powerful technique that will allow you to drag people into your reality with little to no resistance. Pacing and leading is a neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) technique that will help increase your chances of dragging people comfortably into your reality. Most people are not comfortable being led into a different world, and hence put up their defense mechanism. Pacing and leading allows you to hook them in, lower their guards, and smoothly drag them into you world.

This sounds probably super fancy to you who are new to the concept – and one can make very complicated posts related to this subject. I tend to see many books (many bad books) covering NLP and related subjects that are filled with mental masturbation and over-complications. I will therefore make an understandable, straight-to-the-point post – and you will see... it is not rocket science after all.

So here is how we will do it in this post. I will:

• Cover the mechanism by which this concept works
• Show different ways of using the technique
• Share a few examples

Pacing and Leading

Pacing and leading is a twofold technique. The first aspect is the one concerning “pacing”.

1. Pacing is all about getting down to her level, to match her, mimic her.

2. The leading part is when you start leading the interaction into the direction you desire.

Keep in mind that both are interconnected. The pacing will, in fact, affect (increase) your chances of leading her (leading – as in leading her on an emotional level).

Allow me to just share an example so you can get a rough idea about the concept. I will break it further down as we go on.

For the sake of the article, let us pick a really hard scenario as an example. Let us consider that a girl is giving you some last-minute verbal resistance. I will now give an example of pacing and leading:

Her: I don’t think we should have sex tonight, I feel a little bit tired. (resistance)

Me: I agree with you... we shouldn’t have sex if you are feeling tired. (pacing)

Her: Thank you for understanding.

Me: Sex wouldn’t have been good anyway... who likes bad sex, after all? Sorry, that is not really my cup of tea. I hope you too love good sex. (more pacing)

Her: Yes, I love good sex. (increase compliance)

Me: Don’t you think it is amazing how quickly things can become... passionate... between two people... so quickly? (the beginning of the leading process)

Her: Yeah... (she is being led)

So, what happened here? Well, at first, she displayed some clear resistance. The first step – namely, pacing – is getting down to her level.

By “getting to her level”, I am here referring to:

• Displaying an understanding of her emotional state
• Matching it

Once we are “matched” and she displays signs of relief (as in “Oh, he understands me”), you can begin leading the interaction in your desired direction – in this case, escalating the vibe further into a sexual one.

Why Pacing Works

People feel comfortable with those who understand where they are coming from, how they feel, what they think. People who understand a woman’s reality are people she will gladly let in – and once you are in, you have the ability to lead. Basically, you match her level in order to generate comfort and trust. Both are requirements for good leading. In addition to comfort and trust, you also generate an emotional connection. She feels you are the one who understands her, she feels there is a special connection between you two. Strong rapport is built.

When all this “pace” phase is settled, it is time to lead. By leading, I mean:

• Escalating the interaction (physically, for example – by touching her)
• Introducing a particular frame, such as a sexual one
• Building strong connections
• It can be logistical leading, such as moving her from A to B
• Really, anything that floats your boat that will contribute to getting laid

Now, the example I gave you was a verbal one. I will give more examples soon, but first let us cover a non-verbal example of resistance. We’ll solve this non-verbal resistance with a non-verbal form of pacing and leading.

Consider our prior example: 15 minutes have passed since you dealt with her first resistance, and you have had the time to be charming. You are now escalating physically into sex. She resists by pulling her hand away. You persist a bit, but she pulls her hand away again. You feel that it is time to back off – anything else would be going too far.

So you back totally off, you give her a kiss – and, in a relaxed way, you lay next to her and just caresses her face. She smiles. She is enjoying the comfort you are creating. She is happy that you actually are one of the few unique men who understand her emotions. You backed off, you respected her boundaries. You are now cuddling. She is now comfortable with you, and she knows you WILL respect her limits. Ideally, what should happen next is that she will become more compliant – more open to you escalating further.

It sounds funny, but she mostly wants to know you’ll back off if she needs you to back off.

This is pacing – you “take a step back” in order to reach down to her “level”. Then, when she is all comfortable and settled, you finally lead by taking the interaction to the next level.

Pacing and Leading: Examples

By now, I believe you have a clear idea about how this concept works. However, I still want to share a few more examples covering usual scenarios that seducers deal with when they go out. You are probably familiar with a few of these – if not, here is a first taste.

All the examples will be put into context, so some examples will also cover techniques other than pacing and leading – such as extraction technique, sex talk, and escalation.

Example 1: Resistance to the Pull

This example covers a potential form of resistance that occurs when you try to extract a girl from a bar/club/party.

Me: It is so noisy here. (excuse to leave)

Her: I agree.

Me: Why don’t we go back to my place and talk about X with some good wine! (excuse to go back to your place)

Her: I would love to, but I am here with my friends, and I came here with them, so I have to leave with them as well. (REALLY??)

Me: Ah, a loyal girl... I like that. Of course, I totally understand that. Friends are important – as we say: bros before hoes, right. (pacing)

Her: Yeah.

Me: But that does not mean we cannot have fun right now and get to know each other better. (leading)

Her: Absolutely. (compliance)

Me: Let’s go grab a drink. (more leading)

Do more magic, then attempt to pull her away from the club again 15 minutes later. If that does not work, rinse and repeat...

Example 2: She Gets Bashful/Defensive

In this example, we will use pacing and leading as a tool to handle anti-slut defense – the defense mechanism that makes women act non-sexual or pure, resulting in resistance to your sexual moves.

Her: You know, I am not like every other girl, I don’t just jump into bed with anyone.

Me: I totally get that, hot people like us (creating an “us vs. them” frame) should have standards. (pacing)

Her: Yeah...

Me: And after all, I understand you – I am sure you love sex, excitement, and passionate adventures with men, but people are judgmental... labeling liberated women as sluts and so on (pacing by displaying understanding)... but I consider those women beautiful (motivating sexual behavior). I believe that secrecy is key (communicating secrecy) – because after all, nothing is more beautiful than letting girls release themselves... it is so beautiful.

Her: Few men think like you... I like that. (compliance)

Me: So you would rather say that... yes, you do not just jump into bed with anyone; you would rather jump into bed with the right guy, at the right time, when you are in the right mood? (leading, and maybe even some force framing / forced qualification)

Her: Haha, so true. (compliance).

Example 3: Matching Her Energy Level

This time, you are about to approach a group of 3 girls sitting outside in the smoking area. The vibe in the group is rather low and relaxed. They’ve been dancing all night and are having a break. You obviously don’t rush in screaming “show time!” Instead, you get down on their level, match their energy level, and then you approach – this is pacing.

Once you are in, you can feel free to direct the tempo and the energy level of the interaction – this is the leading part.

Example 4: Bypassing Resistance Before You Encounter It

Some of the examples above cover scenarios in which resistance occurs. But pacing and leading, although a great tool for handling resistance, can also be used as a tool to avoid/bypass resistance.

Her: I usually like having sex when there is an emotional connection between me and a guy.

Me: Like in a relationship?

Her: Yes.

Me: Yeah, absolutely. I mean, there is something unique about sharing something intimate with someone you truly care about. He understands you, and you feel comfortable (command)... releasing yourself (command) around him (self-point)... he knows what you like, and you know what he likes. (pacing)

Her: Yeah!

Me: That being said... you cannot compare it to adventurous, spontaneous, and passionate (rich descriptions used for enhanced state inductions) one night stands (framing one night stands as a good, sexy, satisfying thing). It is just so different – you cannot compare those two forms of sex. They offer different things. In this case, you get the rush and excitement from sleeping and being naughty with someone you just met.... (leading)

Example 5: Resistance to Specific Ideas

In this example, we will use sex talk. Let’s say you mention how “women usually like dominant sex”. In this case, she lets you know she isn’t a fan.

Her: Well, yeah... but dominance in bed is not really my cup of tea. (resistance)

Me: Well, we are all different, I guess, which is good (pacing – by accepting the fact she doesn’t like it). This is why I love people on a sexual level – the differences... they all have a different story to tell. (pacing)

Her: Yeah, absolutely.

Me: Now, even though dominant and rough sex might not be your cup of tea, I am sure a sexy girl like you has other naughty preferences. (leading)

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You can use pacing and leading to deal with resistance, before introducing a frame or topic, or to induce a particular state. It is really powerful and, when paired with friction (which I recommend you read about if you like this concept), gives you a very strong combo.

Pacing: Your Arsenal

Before I sum up, allow me to give you a list of different forms of “pacing”.

If you can pace her well enough, you can lead her almost anywhere.

Do not overthink these. With experience, you will more or less naturally mimic a few of these when interacting with people. Just keep them in the back of your head. Do not overdo these to the point of being “transparent” – you don’t want the people you are interacting with to feel you are pacing them.

Here is the list:

• Tonality: match their tonality or vocal pace at first before leading.

• Body language: match their body language before leading – do not make it obvious that you are doing this – do not “copy” their body language. Just pay attention to certain moves and mimic those.

• Energy level: this is probably the most important and easiest method of pacing. Once you are in, you will have more chances of dictating the energy level of the interaction (but not always – you may not want to change the energy level).

• The pace of her breathing: this one is killer and very under-the-radar, and really hard to grasp as a beginner. This is something you will more or less do as you become more experienced.

• Trance words (advanced): pay attention to words she often repeats or puts emphasis on, and use them in your next phrases.

• Verbal content: agree with her on the content of her phrase before leading – for example, by explaining your point of view (often used in politics). Some of the examples above include this.

• Emotional content: match her emotions by showing you understand them. Then lead.

These are different ways you can pace her. This will make the leading part easier. The leading part covers all the different tools and techniques you like to use to get her where you want her.

Let us sum up this article.

Pacing and Leading: Recap

Pacing and leading is a powerful technique one can use to increase compliance with a girl. The idea is to pace – displaying an emotional bond to build comfort and deeper rapport in order to make her more receptive to your leading.

You do this by matching her in some way (e.g., energy level) in order to “get in”, allowing you to more easily lead the interaction to its desired destination. By matching her emotions, verbal content, or nonverbal communication, you will be able to get down on her level. And once you are down there, you will get more compliance, which will provide you with more chances to lead (whether emotionally, logistically... or both).

I hope you have found this post useful. I really love discussing practical stuff. This is what excites me the most about seduction.

The material in this post might be advanced for some of you, but give it a try and practice it. For intermediate or advanced players, I really recommend working on more advanced and challenging concepts like this one. You will be amazed with the results.

Suggestions, comments, and questions are welcome. Happy hunting.

Best,

Alek