When She Picks You, It’s Vital She Feels It’s Her Choice

In my article on how to take girls off their “scripts” (i.e., having them abandon whatever they’re doing or trying to do, and have them come be with you on your terms instead), a reader commented on a point of confusion:

“Moreover, you’ve even written an entire article on “disqualifying yourself as a boyfriend”. But in this [article on taking girls off their scripts], you suggest that its best to make clear what you actually want (even if that is to be her boyfriend).”

I understand his confusion. I should stress before we proceed that a big part of my approach with girls is to be inscrutable: I throw off conflicting signals so a girl can’t nail me down. Just when she thinks I’m a hookup-only guy, I ooze a little romance and her brain starts going crazy. “I thought this guy just wanted to hook up,” she thinks, “and yet he’s so romantic! Maybe it could be something more? What’s going on?! I can’t figure him out!”

This is the same type of mixed signaling you see characters like Simon in The Saint and Juan Antonio in Vicky Cristina Barcelona use (and that’s where I got it from, guys like this):

James Bond uses it a lot in his films. Christian Grey uses it. Every Byronic hero does, more or less. She thinks she knows what this guy is about... And then she doesn’t know what this guy is about. He’s so confusing. What is he about?

At some point, you have to let her figure out what it is you want though, and that’s the kind of ‘clarity’ I meant in the scripts article. She has to be reasonably certain that, “Okay, I think this guy wants to hook up with me,” or, “I think he wants to really date me.” The reason you want her to figure this out is because you want her to start imagining it. If before she was only in single-and-carefree mode, and you want her to be your girlfriend, she needs to think about becoming your girlfriend first.

This article is going to be about that. Or at least, some of that. Therefore, this one won’t be ideal for beginners... Since we’ll be talking about running, essentially, two kinds of game at the same time:

1. One part sexy, bad boy hook up guy
2. But also one part mysterious, inscrutable, romantic guy
   

You do not tell her you want her as more than a fling, or even imply it with words. You want her to read between the lines with you. You usually won’t tell her you want to hook up with her, either (unless you’re Hector. Or Romanian).

This clarity is all implied... Which means it’s never completely clear.

And the reason you never make it completely clear?

You want her to choose you, and feel the choice is her choice.

Girls Don’t Chase When You Choose

The regular guy / regular girl dynamic is for the guy to choose, then chase, the girl, while the girl makes up her mind about whether to accept his offer or not, and in the meantime she throws off mixed signals. She’s hard to get, he’s in pursuit. That’s normal.

This is very exciting for the guy. It’s fun to be in a state of uncertainty and anticipation. It’s why kids like Christmas: they know they’re going to get something, or at least they hope they are. But they don’t know what. Will it be what they wrote Santa for? Will it be something better? Will they be disappointed? No way to know. They’ll just have to wait.

It’s also a big part of why guys get obsessed with certain girls (whom they aren’t with). This trap of thinking I don’t know if we’ll be together, but maybe we could, gets you. If you thought you had zero chance with a girl, you’d never get obsessed with her. And if she was yours, you wouldn’t be obsessed with her (well, usually). But if you think she could be yours... yet she is not yours...? 27 gallons of fixation fuel, right there.

Well, in much the same way, it works in reverse, too.

When she’s the one who feels like she is choosing you, it gets exciting for her.

When you make clear your interest, yet don’t act needy, it’s a bit like putting a delicious dish on a buffet table. Nobody makes her eat this. She’s free to choose it or not choose it. But it’s so darn tempting... And it’s right there, and available... She just can’t wait to get that dish back to her table and dig in.

It’s possible to tell a girl you want her as your girlfriend and have this work well. However, it only works if you do it in a completely confident, totally non-outcome dependent way, akin to setting the plate on the table and allowing her to choose it.

The reason I recommend guys not tell girls anything like, “I want to be your boyfriend,” is because they almost never tell a girl in this “set the plate out” way, and instead nearly always tell them in a needy, let-me-make-my-case-like way. Which causes the girl to respond as a girl selecting a tasty meal, but as second party in a negotiation – one who gets to say “yay” or “nay”, in this case, to the first party’s offer, which also means she holds more leverage:

Him: I want you to be my girlfriend.

Her: I’m not sure. I’m going to have to think about it.

[later]

Her: Okay, I guess we can try it. But it has to be on these terms.

And immediately you enter a relationship where she’s the one in control. Not so good for attraction and relationship satisfaction.

In this case, you floated your offer, and she chose. All she does here is approve or deny your offer.

But what if you simply make yourself available for her to choose?

Look Over Here, Folks

This kind of seduction is really a bit of sleight-of-hand. You get to be a bit of a magician.

That’s because as the man, you (almost) always approach. You (almost) always do the work to court her. You cut time out of your schedule and invest it in her. So you (almost) always ‘choose’ her first.

What seduction is is the art of making her feel like she was the one to choose instead.

In this way, you both choose each other.

(often, there are multiple levels of sleight-of-hand at work – many, or even most, of your successful approaches will come on the back of approach invitations, which men often don’t even realize they got / are responding to. A girl just suddenly catches their eyes and they go, “Wow! I have to go meet her!” without realizing that she deliberately caught their eyes. So in this sense, you’re making her think she chose you after she makes you think you chose her. Choice-ception. See why this isn’t for beginners?)

Choice in seduction: an overview.

The reason why it’s so effective to create this atmosphere of clear interest and intentions without ever stating them outright is because it’s so rare for her, and so exciting. There are precious few times in a woman’s life where she will meet a man who’s open to her but doesn’t (appear to) care either way whether he ends up with her, and she keeps running into him and ending up with him purely by happenstance. I’m sure that happens in small communities, and I know it can happen sometimes in school or at work. But for most of us, in big modern cities filled with anonymous people, this doesn’t happen all that much.

Nevertheless, it is the experience you want to create, because this is one she finds so rewarding.

This is not lying or manipulating or being a bad, bad man. It’s about creating an experience for her that excites her and satisfies her immensely. It’s showmanship, and it helps you get girls who otherwise might not give you the time of day.

If this sounds difficult, don’t worry. It’s not.

All it is is implementing the techniques you find on Girls Chase. Techniques like:

• Push-pull
• Teasing and flirting with girls
• Challenging them
• Playful banter
• Being intriguing
• Disqualifying yourself as a boyfriend
  

All those are designed to send girls mixed signals they find exciting. “He’s here talking to me... yet he’s also challenging me!” “He seems interested; yet he’s not available as a long-term mate!”

Disqualifying yourself as a boyfriend, by the way, works like this (as noted in the article): you don’t tell her you’re not boyfriend material. You discuss qualities that let her decide you’re not boyfriend material. And then she disqualifies you for that role.

You’re making it clear, yet you do not tell her.

Instead, you allow her to choose what role she’ll put you in... while limiting what roles she can put you in.

Limit the Roles She Can Put You Into

Girls will test you.

A lot of guys don’t like this, but it’s just how women are. If the positions were reversed you’d test the heck out of girls too. If you’re using the material on this site (like the material in that bullet list just above), you will test the heck out of girls... And they’ll love it.

One of the things a girl tries to figure out when she tests you is, “What types of roles is this guy available for and suited to?”

For example:

• If you’re willing to sacrifice your time to come over and fix her computer in return for little more than a “thank you” and a peck on the cheek, you’d make for a wonderful friend. If you’re not willing to do that you likely wouldn’t make a good friend

• If you exude sexiness and seem to know your way around a woman’s body, you’d make for an exciting lover. If you aren’t so sexy and you don’t seem comfortable touching her, you likely wouldn’t make a good lover

• If you have an air of caring about her and behave warm toward her and somewhat protective, you’d make a good boyfriend. If you don’t seem to care about her much, you’re cold, and pay little attention to her safety and success, you likely wouldn’t make a good boyfriend
  

When you remove clear-cut signals for some roles, you narrow down the roles a girl can put you into. But you still allow her to choose. You just limit the number of choices she has. Sometimes only to one single role.

It’s best she feels it’s her decision what role she’ll have you in.

These are well-known sales techniques (we talked about seduction and sales a few weeks ago), these two:

1. Get buy-in

2. Give limited choices
   

Allowing her to choose (rather than you choosing for her) is you getting buy-in.

Presenting her only a few limited choices (that you selected) ensures she picks something you want. If you can limit those choices to just ONE (1) choice – and you do a good job selling yourself as a candidate for that choice – then that will tend to be the one she picks.

Disqualify yourself as friend and disqualify yourself as boyfriend, and have lover value out the wazoo, and she’s quite likely to decide she’d never want you in the friend or boyfriend roles, but she would like to have you as her lover.

What If You Don’t Qualify?

I’ll stress my usual advice, which is when you’re just starting out and your fundamentals aren’t tight yet, and your game isn’t tight yet, and you’re not that confident in your romantic prowess yet, don’t purge your friend and boyfriend value just because that Chase Amante guy said so on the Internet. This is something to do when you’re more advanced and you want to shorten your courtships.

When you’re new, you’ll likely need to still qualify as a boyfriend candidate so girls will go on dates with you and give you chances. If you’re really new and just not so good at all with girls yet, it’s worth being a friend and taking a few girls on as female friends just to get you more comfortable around women, more familiar with them, and more empathetic to them.

So, do be intelligent what you disqualify yourself from.

If you’re not the sexy lady killer yet that you’d like to be, don’t be too hasty to nix all other value you have and now there are no roles she wants you for.

Why’s It Matter She Feels It’s Her Choice?

Here’s this really hot girl you just met in a bar. She’s chasing after you, throwing herself at you, telling you she wants you to be her boyfriend. That’s cool, right? Easy lay. But if you’re like most guys, you’re kind of wary. Something’s gotta be wrong with her, right? There’s got to be a catch.

Here’s this other really hot girl you just met in the same bar later. She looks a lot like the first girl. Not quite as cute, but almost. Face is pretty close, and her body’s just as good. And she’s open to talking to you, but she’s not really chasing. She pays attention when you talk to her. But when you don’t talk to her, she starts to drift off. You feel like if you don’t keep things moving with her, you might lose her. Some other guy might scoop her up. But you also feel like you have a shot with her, and if you do a good job and continue to move things forward, maybe she’ll be yours.

Which girl would you like more as a girlfriend?

If you’re like most guys, it’s probably Girl #2.

Which girl would you enjoy more as a lay?

This one’s probably more split. Some guys just want the layups. In which case, they’d enjoy both girls equally if they got them, and probably the first girl more because she’s less work. Other guys like the conquest, in which case Girl #1 is unfulfilling, and Girl #2 feels like an achievement. Still other guys are looking for value beyond looks and sex, and Girl #1’s easy abandon makes them suspicious that something’s gotta be wrong here. Even if they hook up with Girl #1, they’ll be worried about bumps on their dongs, and go out of their way to make sure they’ve either got consent on video or she sends a happy text the next day. They’ll just feel safer, more relaxed, and happier with Girl #2.

If you’re not as experienced, you might think, “Well, girls are different, so the same rules don’t apply.” But you’d be incorrect. It works the same way for her.

Strong, masculine persistence can be attractive. Much in the same way that an attractive, confident woman persisting with you in a sensual, socially savvy way is attractive. Most folks don’t persist like this; they just chase. And chasing isn’t attractive.

It seems silly, like this extra needless detail, but it’s key.

If I’m selling cell phones and I walk up to you and press a phone in your hand and say, “Here, buy this. It’s got X and Y and Z,” you feel reactance and want to push back. You want to tell me you don’t want it. But if I show you phone and I point to the same phone and say, “This one has X and Y and Z. So it matches all the things you said you’re looking for. Also it’s got this ABC thing that you mentioned you were curious about – it’s one of only two phones that has it. Pick it up and play with it if you like,” and then I give you the chance to mess around with it a bit, you’re a lot more likely to choose it in your mind before I ever even ask you if you want it.

Then when I tell you, “That one’s the floor model, so it’s a little scratched up. Shall I grab one from the back for you and put it in a box?” you’re a lot more likely to say, “Yeah, sure!”

Was it ever really your choice? Well, yes, it was always your choice, no matter what.

However, when I give you time to be more active in the sales process (examine the product, think about it, imagine using it, etc.), you feel like it’s “your choice” much more than if I just press it into your hand and tell you “Choose.”

So it is with girls. It’s always really her choice. But if she’s more active in the choosing process, invests more, and complies more, she’s more likely to choose from the choices you present her with than if you press them on her without involving her.

Let’s Simplify and Clarify

Still with me?

All this choosing business, summed up.

Let’s put all this in simple terms before we wrap up the article.

So:

1. You want to make your interest in and intentions with girls clear. You want a girl to know you want her. You want her to know you have sexual interest in her, and quite possibly romantic interest too (if you have it). You’ll make this interest clear by spending time with her, flirting with her, teasing her, being warm with her, being sexy with her, etc.

2. Nevertheless, you do not want to tell her what you want. You don’t want to come out and say, “I’m looking for a girlfriend right now,” or, “I don’t do relationships.” This kills almost all of the mystery and makes it less a seduction and more a negotiation. There are ways to do this and have it work, but they’re hard, and I don’t suggest you play with them while you’re a beginner or an intermediate. Instead, you want her to get sucked into the seduction, and get her to the point where she’s telling herself, “Okay. I THINK I know what he wants with me. Right? Or maybe I don’t. Okay, he wants me to go with him. Well, I like him. So I’d better go along with this. Let’s see where this goes. Oh, it’s exciting!”

3. This gives her the feeling of choosing you. In reality, if she opts to get with you, she’s choosing you no matter what course she took to get there. But if it feels like you chose her first, the feeling she gets is more just confirming your choice rather than being the chooser herself. Instead, if she feels like you clearly want her, but she isn’t completely sure for what, that clarity of desire/intention + lack of absolute finality causes her to choose on her end. “You know what? I want this guy. Let’s go along with it and see what happens.”

4. If she feels like she chose you, you’re a lot more likely to get her. People more value things they’ve chosen themselves. You’re more likely to get what you want with her.
   

To put it in one paragraph, it’d be this:

No matter what, if she gets with you, she chooses that option. However, there’s a big difference between whether she feels like she chose you or not. You want to make your interest and intentions clear enough that she feels interested and excited, and views you as attainable. Yet not so final (i.e., by stating your intentions with words) she feels like you’ve already chosen for her and now she’s just approving or denying. Set a delicious plate on the buffet table, but make sure she feels that she chose it and brought it back to her table herself. It makes the meal all the sweeter, and her a lot more likely to take the plate than if you stand next to her and urge her to take it.

If you’re more advanced, this should make sense to you. Odds are you do this a lot already.

If you’re a beginner, this probably sounds like Calculus II and you have no idea how you’re supposed to do this. That’s okay. For now, just focus on the techniques we discussed earlier in the article:

• Push-pull
• Teasing and flirting with girls
• Challenging them
• Playful banter
• Being intriguing
• Disqualifying yourself as a boyfriend
  

The rest will come with time.

Just keep it in the back of your mind: you want her to feel like she did the choosing.

However, you have to help her feel like she can choose you, you want to actively showcase which roles are available for her to choose you for (and limit her to the roles you’re interested in with her), and you have to move things forward and guide her toward making that choice (without pressing your own choice upon her).

If you can do this, it gets a lot easier to get your way with girls... Because, as far as they see it, they’re actually getting their ways... with you.

Always,
Chase Amante