Most guys who learn pickup end up with a girlfriend, often very quickly. But what if you don’t want to settle just yet? These tips will help you avoid getting attached.
Finding that one girl you’d want to be your special unicorn and be with forever and ever is not easy.
I’ve dated hundreds of women in my life, and I still haven’t found “the perfect girl.” There’s no such thing as perfection. Even the most beautiful diamond is just a rock. And the closer you look at it, the more flaws you’ll find.
However, it’s my hope that every one of you finds your dream girl, and you travel to Southern France (or wherever) together and make a dozen babies.
Until then, I believe that every man should date a large variety of women. Otherwise, how will you know when you’ve found one you can tolerate, and even enjoy, for what may be the rest of your mortal life?
Dating as an Experience
If you don’t have much sexual and social experience, what will you have for contrast? What measure of a “good relationship” will there be in your mind?
The problem with dating a lot of women is it’s hard to not get attached. Getting attached could be an awesome thing, but not if it’s to the wrong person or someone below your league.
Settling for someone below your league isn’t just about looks, but lifestyle. If you’re really into self-development, fitness, and the philosophy of an awesome life, are you going to marry a girl who doesn’t read, work out, or enjoy travel? Would you marry an alcoholic, a depressive, or a hoarder? Till death do you part?
And do you want to sleep with only one woman for the rest of your life, without ever having tasted the variety the world has to offer — or without finding a woman who’s into polyamory?
Oneitis
In the old school PUA days, there was a term called “Oneitis,” a disease that affects the man’s brain, making him uncontrollably attracted to females who don’t reciprocate his affection.
Conversations by the afflicted go like this:
“There’s this one girl; she’s special and different. How can I get her to want me?”
“You got oneitis, bro. GFTOG.”
By the way, GFTOG is short for “Go fuck ten other girls.”
As crude as that sounds, it makes perfect sense. If you can approach and seduce ten other girls, you’ll probably realize that special girl wasn’t so special, and you’ll have the skill and confidence to get that girl (if you still want to).
GFTOG
Most men can’t even seduce one girl. But some have taken this advice (myself included) and embarked on a life-changing journey of romance and adventure (also, thousands of rejections, humiliations, and social foibles).
The majority of men who stick with pickup end up with a girlfriend. But is it their life partner? The girl of their dreams? No, usually it’s because they’ve settled. They’ve met their match in a girl who’s better at extracting commitment than they are with meeting new women.
Women Are Master Seducers
When I was less experienced, I met this girl. She was young, beautiful, funny, and everything I wanted in a girlfriend. She also knew her value. So she made an ultimatum: “If you’re seeing other girls, then you won’t be seeing me.”
Girls are experts at making the offer seem too good to pass up. So if you don't want to get attached, you have to be strong.
By this point, I’d already experienced many tingly emotions and was willing to give up my freedom for her. I didn’t consider it a loss at all. It wasn’t until many months later that I started to miss the hunt. I missed approaching and sleeping with other women. But I’d made a deal, and to break it would make me a cheater.
Looking back, I probably could have been with that girl, and remained free, if I’d just been a bit less attached.
Most women rely on this tactic. They know that high-value men want variety, and many are willing to give them their freedom hoping that their man will become emotionally attached to them.
When they feel the time is right, they have The Talk.
“I think it’s time we stop seeing other people.”
Or something like that.
Now, if you give in, then you’re officially in a committed, monogamous relationship. If you don’t, she leaves you. Or at least, that’s the card she holds. That’s the bluff.
This is why women will withhold sex for as long as possible. Because once she lets you inside her, she’s given up a large part of her commitment strategy. If she allows you to sleep with other women while giving you her sex, it’s much harder for her to renegotiate. So she’s depending on you to become emotionally attached.
For the hardened player, we’re much less likely to be swayed by emotional attachment than a female, and we know it. That’s why it’s in our best interest to sleep with her as quickly as possible. That way, she experiences the flush of bonding hormones and becomes emotionally attached.
She doesn’t want to lose that amazing feeling of love, so she’ll allow us our freedom, at least for a short time. She’s already given up her trump card (her sex), and she knows it. Now she’s playing the long game.
For her, the long game involves inserting herself into every area of your life: your friends, family, work, interests, and hobbies.
How to Remain Unattached
When a woman spreads her legs for a man, she’s extremely vulnerable. Not just physically but emotionally. She bets on a man being empathetic enough to understand that she’s given him her greatest gift. She expects reciprocation in the way of loyalty, protection, and resources. In return, she will continue to give herself to him, not just physically but lovingly, intellectually, and socially.
That is, if he will allow her.
She’ll want you to meet the friends, the family, and insert herself deeper into your life. She will make herself valuable in ways other than sexually. For example, she may invest in his hobbies, taking up watching sports, fishing, or video games. She’ll be there to give advice or be the student if he enjoys teaching, the way men do. He will come to depend on her in many ways.
That’s how she will gain leverage.
If you want to remain unattached, be wary of her attempts to insert herself into your life.
I don’t want men mistaking random acts of kindness for some sort of manipulation tactic. Most women aren’t conscious of this behavior. In most instances, it’s simple: she likes you and wants to make you happy.
But think of every time you bought a girl a gift or complimented her, in what might have seemed like an altruistic gesture when, in fact, you were trying to get in her pants. We all want something for ourselves.
The Law of Reciprocity
Social reciprocity is simply responding to a positive action with another positive action.
You buy someone a gift; then, on your birthday, they give you a gift.
If your goal is to have a short-term relationship, and not become attached, you should limit the amount of reciprocity as much as possible. If it’s just about sex and fun, then keep it to sex and fun. No dinners, no trips, no taking her to parties to meet your buddies or vice versa.
Bring the Ice
You may have heard the term “Ice Queen” or “Icy Player.” Ice is a metaphor for “cold,” “hard,” or “slippery.”
Someone who is “icy” may be guarding their emotions. By keeping others at arm’s length, they protect themselves from becoming emotionally attached.
- Warm: “You should meet my sister. Come to a picnic with us.”
- Icy: “Oh, I’m not ready for that. Let’s keep things simple for now.”
To be icy means saying “no” when a warmer gesture would require “yes.”
"Babe, I'm just gonna leave these off for now."
It doesn’t feel nice to say no, especially to someone who’s been kind enough to let us screw, cuddle, and share our innermost thoughts with them.
Women will be icy to men who try to seduce them. They’ll say no to coffee, dinner offers, gifts, and avoid social situations that isolate them with men they aren’t interested in.
Men will be icy with women they’ve already slept with. They’ll say no to long walks, holding hands, coffee dates, bike rides, or anything remotely romantic, outside of the bedroom.
The Player with a Heart of Gold
I used to follow an old dating coach who would say, “There’s no such thing as the player with a heart of gold.”
Well, I believe you can have a good heart, still sleep with women, and have short-term relationships.
Just know, the longer you see a girl, the deeper your rapport will be. The more inserted you are into each other’s lives, the more likely you’ll become emotionally attached.
I’ve had women become so attached, I had to break it off. I’ve also become attached to women who only wanted me for sex or a possible future option. Either way, saying no may be necessary. It doesn’t feel nice to say no. But leading someone on, letting them believe there’s a chance for long-term monogamy, has led to many insecure, unhappy, guilt-based relationships guaranteed to end in misery.
Is Honesty the Best Option?
I’ve had this debate. Imagine you’re a woman, and your husband neglects you. You think of divorcing him and taking the kids. Then you meet a nice guy at the beach, and he ends up becoming your lover.
The more you sleep with him, the deeper your feelings. But he says, “You’re a married woman. I have no interest in destroying your marriage. I only want to give you what he does not.”
This is the image of the honest lover. He gives his love to her but remains free.
The reality is always messier.
Tony
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