Should You Apologize to Women? | Girls Chase

Should You Apologize to Women?

Chase Amante

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should you apologize"I'm sorry!"

To me, these are the two words that define the '90s era boyfriend / husband on television situational comedies. I haven't watched television since 2002 (with the exception of the entire series of Lost, which I watched online over the space of a month after getting laid off from work last year -- ah, it was great!), so I don't know if it's still been the same the past decade, but I'd imagine it hasn't changed all that much.

Woman gets upset. Man begs forgiveness. Audience laughs.

You might go so far as to say, "That's just the way it is." I've heard it said that for men being in a relationship means saying you're sorry, even when it wasn't your fault.

Listening to grown men talk that way, in all honesty, makes me cringe.

It does raise an interesting question, though: whether right or wrong, should you apologize? Is it the right course of action -- does it fix things between you and a girl? And what kind of impact does it have on attraction?

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.

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Comments

Anonymous's picture

So true.

Bo Mitix 's picture

Chase, your knowledge on such a broad topic is truly commendable. I have more of a specific question in regards to my situation.

A bit of background, I'm in collage, and I've been into this one girl for a little while now, about a month or so. Ihooked up with her a few times, however we started to get a bit more serious, with deeper conversation and affection. She asked me how many girls I had hooked up with recently, and I said only her, as did she. However as that one night progressed, I hooked up with another girl briefly, and she saw, and her face and attitude changed drastically after that. My question for you would be, how would I appologize or acknowledge this situation, as I really do want to pursue this girl. I'd appreciate any advice, cheers

-Bo

Anonymous's picture

Don't say sorry. That's giving her more control when she already has it, making you come off as needy.

You need to brush the situation off, continue testing the waters with the girl, and consider the fact that she could be a lost cause.

The fact that you have other options may even make you more alluring to her.

Anonymous's picture

I was having a texting convo with a co-worker that I really like. Well we were teasing each other back and forth and she took a certain comment out of context. She took it as an angry come back. Should I apologize out just explain myself. She doesn't know me all too well and I feel like I need to explain the situation.

senoj's picture

This is eye-opening advice, though I worry it may be too late for me right now. My ex recently sent me a text saying, "Please don't approach my friends and talk shit. I can't believe you would do that. So fucked and inappropriate". (I had a convo about her jealous tendencies with a friend of hers who is also an ex of hers. I thought he'd keep it between us. Stupid I know, but I was drunk). I called her within a few minutes trying to apologize, and when she didn't answer I sent her a long, sincere email the next day apologizing and explaining the situation (it wasn't worded in a weak way, but still). She has not replied, almost a week later. I REALLY regret even saying sorry, especially calling her immediately, because i know that just secured in her mind that I was wrong (even though what actually happened wasn't really that bad), and prob made her lose all respect and attraction for me. Is there anything I can do now to try to salvage it? Even though we're broken up, it's important to me to not lose her respect entirely. Can I "go back" on my apology somehow, or will that only make things worse? Part of the explanation I gave was that I hurt from having just found out she had started seeing someone right after we broke up, and that I was just jealous and drunk and confiding in her friend. Would it help any to text her something indicating that that was then and this is now (the "talking shit" incident was a couple months ago and she just found out), presenting a stronger frame and letting her know I'm cool with her dating situation, and that there's no negative feelings anymore?

Help!'s picture

Hi Chase,

I read the great article and have to admit I'm probably guilty of saying sorry to placate my fiance when she's irrationally upset but having read your article its given me a good chance to review that tactic.

One question if anyone could help. My fiance is freaking out/crying re. guest lists/numbers for our wedding which were created last week and she was happy with although a few of her friends have already said they cant make it which has caused the tears. I've tried everything from consolling her to suggesting adding extra friends of hers but shes still not happy and there isnt anything I can do to stop the tears and her being upset as she's a perfectionist and by her own admission has OCD. The same is happening when it comes to her list of girls for her hen party in that a few cant make it wheras all those invited to my stag do can make it which she seems to resent. She seems to want me to come up with some solution to stop her being upset but being a 'stupid' man who 'doesnt understand' I've told her I only want to make her happy and wish there was something I could do to make her happier but she seems to resent me for it as I come across as frustrated with her which I'm not, just frustrated that I cant rectify the problem.

Any advice on her to handle the situation would be gratefully received!

Coolman3000's picture

Hey chase, excellent article, dude. I’m very grateful for all that you do. Quick question. is there anyway to fix the relationship after the fact? after you’ve offered an apology? or are the dynamics permanently destroyed between the two of us irrevocably destroyed/ negatively impacted? 

h2orocks4001's picture

Context: Attatchment style: Fearful-Avoidant (lots of shame involved that really doesn’t belong to us)

one thing Thais Gibson advised was to replace “I’m sorry” with “thank you”. As in “thank you for waiting” instead of “I’m sorry for being late”

it helps to eliminate cycles of shame in our minds.

 

i see this could be put in the above article as a general rule, I wonder how chase would think about it.

 

 

also, I’m surprised an article like this dosent touch on emotional validation.    An important skill. 

To give you an idea of how important it is, it’s the one thing that npd people don’t give you.

emotions keep getting stronger until validated.

best part of validation, you don’t have to agree with them.

just the understanding that emotions themselves can not be wrong because they are unconscious and automatic. As in, we only have certain levels of control over through reappraisal, (Dosent work in ptsd or depression so validation is hugely important there).

correctly validating her would for sure help her to calm down.

 

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