Turn Offs for Women: What NOT to Do | Girls Chase

Turn Offs for Women: What NOT to Do

turn offs for womenI made a terrible mistake once, a long time ago.

I told a girl I loved her before we'd ever kissed, been on a date, or slept together.

I was young, passionate, full of powerful, swirling emotions, and hormones that raged like a fiery dervish. I felt it was a smart move; she'd flirted with me for a long time, had even asked me out long before (I'd been too scared to say "yes"). She had to know, I decided. So, I told her. I told her I loved her.

And I never heard from her again.

Ha, whoops, I thought the next day. That was a mistake.

But, you live and learn. It ended up playing a part in finally motivating me to get my act together and start fixing things in my life with women.

I share this because I had a reader write in to share his story and ask for my take: he's young, like I was; he'd been calling and texting back and forth with a girl like crazy, and they'd shared a few dances. He'd asked her on a date, she'd been coy.

Finally, emotions welling up inside of him, he could no longer keep them pent up inside; and, like the me of yesteryear, he simply had to tell her how he felt.

"You don't see it, do you?" he texted her. "I'm in love with you."

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.


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Migz's picture

I don't see it as a middle path as much as a way of acting that emulates a guy who has unlimited options.

The guy who applies as much sensitivity as the Spezzatura allows him to will always win. The guy who is too uncaring looks bad to the woman because he is too obviously pretending to have more options of the same caliber. The girl partially sees through that. Whenever being uncaring comes off as being an act, which requires effort, the Spezzatura is broken and the man looks like he's needy but trying to hide it behind a façade.

Only by really having unlimited high quality options can all the rules of the Spezzatura be followed naturally.

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Migz, great point / alternative way of looking at things here.

Yeah, the guy who's too hard, women usually know what's up -- it's a front. There's also the case of the guy who's too hard because he's just been doing it that way for a long time and he's oblivious to its effects on women -- he isn't quite trying, per se, that's just what his base way with women has evolved into. But I agree, regardless, being more "naturally caring" comes off in a far more appealing way to women.

Much of the time, being too hard / aloof does appear a conscious breach in sprezzatura, and has subsequent negative consequences for attraction. Imperative to maintain a natural ease instead.


Migz's picture

I'd argue that the super alpha who's uncaring/aloof by habit will maintain mad attraction from his lady until he becomes complacent and spends too much time with a girl or loses value in some way that makes her doubt he is really not needy.

I think you see this in alpha couples who break up and make up often. Once the guy is forced out of his complacency, he regains other women's interest and his ex-GF comes back running.

Anonymous's picture

That is an excellent observation. That is one reason that the jerks have more success than the "nice guys", but still fail to find complete success.

pg's picture

What about talking about things where you simply say, like recounting a story with no big deal, that you had a particular emotion for something or were some way in some scenario? maybe that way, she knows that you are capable of these things and it's possible to get them out, just that she has to do something significant to get it out?

then again, im no expert

Chase Amante's picture

Hey PG,

Yeah, you know, that's probably okay, provided you can keep super chill.

I will say I've experimented fairly extensively with emotional storytelling, and I haven't really found it a winner myself, honestly. Even when I used to tell a story neutrally about a time I was emotionally weak or what not, at best I'd end up relegated to the boyfriend category (and then we never get together, or she wants a lot of commitment and investment and promises and reassurances that we'll be together first, which is bad form even if you do want a relationship), and at worst I'd be done.

Just something I've found ineffective personally, but yeah, try it. I haven't tested it so extensively that I can say with absolute certainty you can't make it work, so if it's something you want to do, take it for a test drive, compare your responses from girls you do this with compared to girls you don't, and see which one gets you more returns and stronger attraction and more successes.


Daniel's picture

Chase, This is what happened to me..I think i might have told her that i love her too soon and i may have been too emotional at times when i got jealous and told her that she knows that im the jealous type and needs to assure me that i shouldn't be worried and jealous then she did assured me and told me that guy is not her type. We have been talking alot and i have visited her a couple of times at her home to communicate and she has shared alot of stuffs about her with me and i have shared some of mine with her, we also went out a few times but it wasn't really like a date cause we wasn't officially together yet at that time but now we are..So far she has still shown interest in me..when i notice that i always text her first before she text me i tried to not text her to see if she will text me, which she did and i was happy. Oh when we use texting mostly cause she's working and i didn't want to disturb her much.In most of our conversations on the phone or at her/my place, Sometimes i will be flirty but she doesn't kinda flirt back and she sometimes joke around like shes shy. At times she jokes about sexual stuffs and keeps saying just kidding in the end of the sentence. Is there a way that i can fix all those turn offs that you talked about in this article and also the mistakes i made? Oh and one of your articles said that i should move fast and get her to bed..well she's the kind of type that will accept sex when shes married or something i feel and she says she don't want sex yet, not to me though she just told me that cause she wanted me to know she doesn't want that and i didn't even ask hint her that i wanted that..do you have any advice for me? I appologize for my english cause i'm not really fluent in it and i didn't really know how to fully explain to you what the situation is cause i don't know where to start, so i just say what i could. If you need the full long story lemme know lol..maybe it will bore you. But mostly i think you would ask me questions so you know what advice to give me and fully understand the situation right? I will answer any questions. Again..sorry for my english haha.

Anonymous's picture

Hi, iv been with my girl for 5 years and just 2 month agao she had cheated on me and i was away for a month when I came bk from holiday 1 week agao she had told me everything and how she regrets what she had don and asked if I can for give her and how she wanted to say this to me befour but was schard to say, now just Saturday I was calling her and txting her she has not replyed at anything normally she will txt she is buzy or something, so on Sunday the next day, same thing but at 11:30 she replys back I'm buzy I'll call u later. And I txt her what happened to you on Saturday how cms u never txt or call she replyed "nothing" so when she called me I ask her same this after asking how is she and that, and I ask what did u do on Saturday how cms u never called or txt back, and she replys " like I sead nothing and dont ask me that" I ask why and she say she is tired this is 12:30 in the night, so I sead ok I'll let you go, she replyed "I don't want to talk to you don't call me" and after 20sec she hanged up. What does this meen?

Sorry for the long story.

Dave's picture

She is playing games with your head...I bet you feel confused. Of course she does not see it quite this way. These are classic signs of disinterest...that is if she sent other texts that are similar. She will continue to have feelings that switch back and forth. There is a lot that I can say, but ur best bet is to remain confident in urself and as a man.

calsurf21's picture

You need to cool-it with this girl and stop texting her. She told you she had cheated on you, and you forgave her. You then called and texted her the next week/weekend, when you should have TOTALLY ignored her. She cheated on you, so she needs to CHASE you with texts and voice-messages on your phone, asking where you are. You need to cool it with her, and make her work to win back your interest again. You devalued yourself by accepting her cheating behavior, and continuing to call + text her as though everything was cool. What she has learned is that she can cheat, and apologize, and you'll continue to act normally, meaning you aren't a challenge to her. She is losing respect for you, and is now demonstrating that by telling you "I don't want to call you, don't call me". You have been de-valued by your own chasing behavior, you need to ignore her totally and start dating other girls immediately. If you continue calling/texting, it won't work, you can't "reason" your way with a girl, you can't "argue" or use logic to win her back. You have to ACT differently, meaning TOTALLY IGNORE the girl, until she comes back to you, and even then you have the right now to behave coolly with her, and tell her you are dating other girls. Do not take her back, no matter how hard she tries. Once a girl cheats on you, it's basically over, once a cheater, always a cheater. I've never once taken a girl back that cheated, and known it to end well, it ALWAYS goes south. As soon as she tells you she cheated, it's over. Don't be dramatic, just ignore her calls and chasing behavior. This keeps your ego intact and confidence in yourself up, don't accept dishonest, cheating behavior. Always WALK, and let a girl know you will WALK if she lets you down. NOTHING is more serious than cheating, it's a relationship breaker. Do not be a pussy. Girls will walk on you EVERY TIME.

Soshdog's picture

Dear Anonymous,

I was living with my girlfriend for 7 years and we were engaged when she cheated on me. I thought she was the type that would never cheat after she passed all my tests in the beginning (then I went soft, lesson learned.) I am going to tell you this from experience and wisdom I have heard from others:


Don't listen to these guys tell you about how to play games to get her interested, blah, blah, blah. They don't know what the fuck they are talking about. You MUST resolve to NEVER contact her again.

If you don't think I know what I am talking about and these guys do, how come I know for a fact that within 2-4 weeks of not contacting her, she will contact you with 100% certainty? How come I know that when she does contact you she will be all sweet and have that caring, interested tone?

Do NOT take it as a sign of genuine interest no matter how much she seems like she genuinely cares about you or is interested. SHE'S NOT. Women, even the sweetest ones, can be incredibly cruel without even realizing it. This contact is PURELY to make sure you are on the hook for her still so that she can obtain emotional comfort and an ego boost. That's it. That's what you have been reduced to in her life, forever.

See with her cheating on you, and then the way she treated you, it shows a COMPLETE lack of RESPECT. Any respect she ever had for you is gone. Without respect, you don't have shit. Trust me, my friend.

Anyway, back to when she contacts you. Say exactly and only this: "It's over. Leave me alone." Then hang up the phone. And no matter what your brain ever tells you, don't ever call her again. Don't let her spin you in her web again. Don't explain your feelings to her. Don't explain how what she did hurt you or wasn't right. Don't ever let her trick you into a conversation with her again. Don't ever let her "IN" again.

Just remember these 2 things:

1. Never contact her again and get rid of all pictures, reminders, etc.
2. When she contacts you only say "It's over. Leave me alone." And then hang up. If she calls back after this, don't even pick up. Ignore her texts. Ignore her emails.

It may be one of the hardest things you ever have to do in your life. But if you have the strength to do it, I promise you will thank me later.

Whatever you had with this girl, while it may have been good at one time, is over.

SOMA's picture

Soshdog gave some great advice here. I had a very similar experience to his. I was in a relationship with a woman for seven years, including marriage for the last two and a half years. After we got married, she started treating me horribly, and she started fooling around with another guy. Like an idiot, I thought I could somehow mend my relationship with her.

Then I read an email she wrote to her friends (not intended for my eyes) in which she said she had fallen for the other guy. Reading that email was the exact moment it all crystallized in my head. I actually felt relieved, because I knew the truth, I knew she wasn't worth fighting for, and that I had to move on as quickly as possible. Shortly thereafter I moved out.

A few months later, we started talking again and even met up a couple times. She was the nicest she had been in years. It turns out the guy she had fallen for had already dumped her. She said she wanted to get back together with me. My self-respect told me that there was no way I could agree to that. She had already proven herself untrustworthy, and I knew as soon as she had me back in her life, the vicious cycle would begin all over again.

So I did exactly what Soshdog recommends: I told her it was over, and to stop contacting me. It was hard, but it was the absolute correct decision. I have never looked back.

Anonymous's picture

There's this girl I've know for like 4 years now, I too was overtly senti and now that I look at it that way, quite possessive. probably that's what turned her off big time, we're still friends but I wanna be more than that of course - Can you suggest something to get her back mate?

Rick's picture

I have my eye on this young lady that I went out with once. I met her at a bar that she works. She's cool, sweet, and beautiful. I built the courage to ask her out and she said yes. We went to a Knicks game and to a bar for drinks n convo. At the end, we both agreed that we had a great time. When I suggested that we go out again, she responded "Definitely". Ok cool. So one day I went to the bar and she was working. By the end of the night, I asked her if she wanted to go out the next week, which she agreed to. So I texted her to see how she was and everything. It was going smooth until my last text that suggested we go to this spot I heard about. She hasn't text back. Is this is a sign of something? Should I be concerned? Back off?

genghis tron's picture

Getting too emotional too fast
Getting too emotional anytime (most of the time)
Committing too soon
Neediness or begging/pleading
Supplication or kissing up; trying too hard
Forgetting or fearing to move fast
Not being a challenge
Being too much of a challenge
Failing to get to know her

If she's hot, I could deal with any of these except for arguing and being too much of a challenge. I don't know why guys always prefer a challenge. Also needy chicks = it's easy to have them do whatever you want.


Spectrum MAN's picture

I thought I was crazy, but someone actually thinks a little like me. Of course I want to easily find a loving person to love, enjoy life and connect with. Maybe I'm weird because I'm on the Autism Spectrum, but that's just how I am. I don't like too many challenges or anything creating mixed messages or discouraging me from the wonders of life. Another thing about being autistic at any level is that if you are and you're male, then your odds of finding a mate are EXTREMELY slim. Why? Because being on the Autism Spectrum causes you to want to naturally do all the wrong things when it comes to women and attraction. That includes over-thinking, over analyzing, being sensitive, becoming attached to people you connect with on a deeper or spiritual level (not talking religion here!!....) and, of course, the natural tendency to be too nice. Some of these traits may benefit you if your true love in life is science or engineering or inventing things and things like that, but definitely NOT when it comes to dating. I always wonder how dating and pick up community type stuff affects people who are on the Autism Spectrum? Because one thing I can tell you is that trying to learn this stuff is NOT the same for both "normals" and people on the spectrum....

However, while it may seem impossible to maintain long term success with women if you're a male with any level of autism, it is not impossible to find success with approaching and meeting women. I've managed to do this and have come to the conclusion that since I always tend to run into problems down the road or do something to screw up, my best bet is to live the player lifestyle and enjoy multiple shorter term encounters with multiple females while I have the chance before I must move on to the next. This surely beats not being able to have any girls (or people in general) at all because of your lack of social skills. As far as how to become a fun, charismatic, outgoing, playful and upbeat guy when you have autism, I do not know how to teach that. I developed that skill by accident.

And lastly, if you think women are confusing (which they are), then just wait until you meet girls with Social Anxiety Disorder, Autism Spectrum Disorder, I guess even Bipolar Disorder, or even religious girls. I wonder if PUA techniques also work on them.

Dre's picture

I'm 23. She's 19. I, too, got involved with a chick that started college this past year, and I fell head over heels for her. She really made me take a look at my life, and helped me into the person I am now. At the time, I thought things were going well, but I'm now understood where I went wrong. I wasn't a bit of a challenge for this girl. She knew I loved her. She knows she could have had me anytime she wanted, probably. I haven't completely moved on, but I'm much better than I was initially, when things between us randomly stopped. She made up some BS to have us stop talking, so I backed off. She checked in on me a few months after, around Christmas, and by New Years, she kicked me down again. Some bitch. Since a year or so back, I've made a lot of changes to pick myself up, but I guess a part of me will always be hopeful that we cross paths again. Anybody have any input on if I can ever expect to have a chance with her again? Only time will tell? She goes to school only an hour away from me, but that's nothing. She comes home all the time (Summer, Holidays, etc.)
Might she want to have her single life while she's in school? Idk... I'm left to hang. I'm by no means, desperate, but I owe a lot to this girl for my overall success as of late in many different aspects of my life. This shit is complicated, and if we DO ever meet up again, I've decided it won't be caused on my behalf. Am I in a bad mindset? She's kind of tortured me, so why should I return to HER? (are my feelings). If she wants a good thing, she knows where to find it. She ain't all that anywayyyy. Help me out, guys.

Anonymous's picture

Well it has been a few months since you posted this but if your still stuck on this, I can help, and this can go for most of the other gentlemen on here too. FORGET HER. Yes I too have had a girl who I thought was perfect for me and I was crazy about. But when things go sour, get out of her realm. Let her suffer the consequences of letting you, the most amazing guy she would ever find, go. DO NOT STUPE to her level. Your a gentlemen and there are PLENTY of fish in the sea. And to be honest, that is the whole point of dating and relationships, to get to know what all is out there, and trust me there are much better women out there than any of you have had previously.
So in all, just enjoy being single! Hang out with your buddies and go out and have a good time and enjoy life man. I promise you will feel much better and can be up on your feet dating women again in no time. Just have confidence and discipline to move on
Hope this encourages you,
From you friendly neighborhood Spiderman

Anonymous's picture

ha ha Good grief!

"Getting too emotional too fast
Getting too emotional anytime (most of the time)
Committing too soon
Neediness or begging/pleading
Supplication or kissing up; trying too hard
Forgetting or fearing to move fast
Not being a challenge
Being too much of a challenge
Failing to get to know her"

All this shows is how women should never have been allowed out of the house until mom and dad found the right guy for her. And that modern women have way too many options.

Daniel's picture

Hi basically I have been talking to this girl, and the more I have the more I started to like her. Anyway we talked and we had a good relationship going on between us, as friends however. We were kind of flirting and everything and we enjoyed talking to each other and got smiles on each others faces. However it was mainly me who always started of the conversation. I hadn't really her before except for once. This is because I'm shy but over the 2 months talking to her I got more confident!! I even got her a gift which u asked if she wanted which she agreed to, anything wrong with that? Mainly the point is I asked her out and she had told me she's in a distance relationship. She also said she hasn't told anybody as she didn't want people to know. She didn't exactly say no she just said 'awwh I'm already with some1, but your a really nice guy' I've still got contact to her and talk, but recently the way we talk has changed from the way we used to. Nowadays she takes very long to reply to my text, and sometimes dosent even.

Btw I've never had a girlfriend before, as I am stills shy person, I can't approach a girl. I don't know what to do as I really liked her a lot! Help plz anybody!?

Anonymous's picture

Hi Daniel,

from my experiences and observations here's my 2cents. With women it seems it does not matter how 'well' things 'seem' to be going, you often need to step outside your regular(usually clouded) perspective on the whole situation and assess it using basic math, don't over think it. After all, numbers lie alot less than women(and men for that matter) do.

So she rejected you. That's rarely a good thing.

You always have to initiate contact, both face to face and through peripheral means. Not good.

She did not buy you a gift back. Negative.

You had a good thing going as friends before you asked her out. Neutral. Doesn't mean anything unless she says yes when asked out.

Put those points together and they = Move on with your life. If you still want her so bad you can't sleep at night which i'm guessing you do(i know that's how i'd feel), you should STILL move on.

If you have a problem with shyness like i used to, don't drive yourself further down that hole by getting rejected by more girls. Work on your shyness while you are single, you will have plenty of time to do so. Get in shape, work on your career and people skills, get life experience and enjoy yourself. These things give you things to talk about with women and drive your confidence to a healthy level. Pretty soon you will no longer be the one doing all the chasing, let them come to you while you go about focusing on yourself and they will believe me, maybe even her!

Anonymous's picture

Hi i got to this wonderful girl online and basically went out with her on one date. We really hit it off well with each other. We would teased each other and talk about anything under the sun. Prior to the meet up we also chatted much in whatsapp and smsing each other.

However things started screwing up when I decided to call her over the phone after the date and telling her about how i felt. I told her that it was fun going out with her and indirectly gave her the hint that i was interested in her. She then told me that she can't handle me, wasn't ready and was afraid she might hurt me. I tried to explain and reassure her but it just got worse. In the end, she texted me saying that the friendship is over and we should just not keep in contact anymore for the best of both parties. Subsequently she did not answer my calls or replied my messages.

I am confused as i am really fond of her. She having said that is it possible that i could ever get her to answer my call or reply my messages again? I was thinking probably she needs some time to cool off and i have the intentions to call up or message her again in a week or 2.

Please advice thank you very much

Anonymous's picture

I've been friends with this girl for about a month and a half. She's awesome in every way however she does have ex issues. Anyways a couple of days ago I told her I wanted to speak with her alone, and basically said that I "really liked her" and that I "couldn't stop thinking about her." Her response was basically that she only thought of me as a friend and never really considered anything else between us. So since I'm not the best talker in the world, I wrote her a little letter that essentially told her when I first felt attracted and why my attraction began and grew and then sent it via FB message. This was her reply:

"awww [name] ur such a sweetheart..thanks for the compliment...I'm so sorry man...and yeah our friendship wont change at all and nothings awkward between us u still are my [silly nickname] and always will be...."

To which I said good and that I would like to continue being friends....what do I do?

I don't want to be a complete dick...it's just not in my nature. But I seriously don't see the point of remaining friends (no matter how great of a girl she is) if every time I see her its going to stir up emotions. It would really help if someone could answer me these few things:
1) Was going back to being friends the right move? Was writing the letter the wrong move (in my gut I feel that it was)?
2) Should I take her up on her word that nothing has changed...cause I highly doubt that?
3) Should I stick around on the off chance that she might reciprocate my feelings?
4) Essentially what I'm asking is this: did she say "it's never going to happen?" or "maybe, but for now we're just friends"...and if the latter is it worth it to stick around?

Thanks for your time guys...I really don't have all that much experience with courting girls....so I want to know what I did wrong and how I can fix it.

mo's picture

I have been reading about 30 percent of your articles and I like how men should respond to women. However, especially with this article, why do feel inclined to believe that women are not at fault for anything. It seems to me that you cant be yourself around women; they are not perfect themselves. So it seems like men play the game in order to get laid instead of being who they really are...for these types of men it is just a facade. You make it seems like if you are her friend or boyfriend or provider then it is like the world is coming to and end and you are miserable. Cant you move slow while being sent and still get to the point of her wanting sex? Overall, if a woman is truly interested in you then you should not have to play games and the same for women. It seems as if you guys would do anything to get in her pants regardless if you imply it not. You might act cool but it is misleading since u r portraying yourself as someone else and it is her fault if she cant accept you for you.

Durrell Lax's picture

Totally agree with you Mo. Be yourself. But unfortunately MOST women expect and or want the mind games. This is why i cannot wait to get off this planet!

Anonymous's picture

Hello my names benjamin and I have a drama I did all of the bads I mean the whole works burger I met this chick and the things we had in common u would not read about I txted her for about a week before taking her out I even went fishing with her the next day everything bad a man could do to turn a chick off I almost covered it all. it seemed fine until the date but even still I'm questioning myself on my messages before the date still anyways I went to drop her off yep another stupid one I asked do u want to be friends or more then that she replied I'm sorta in the middle at the moment. It was like the more I found out about her the more wanted her It was like she was a rare woman that had so much in common with me it was unreal I was like ok no dramas dropped her off the next day I finished work I got a txt the normal startoff then I don't see this going anywhere I'm sorry. to be honest I was devastated and I still am it only happened 2 days ago I tried to keep a glimmer of hope so I asked yep another bad one can we be friends but I did not want that I wanted her she said ok then the next day she was eating at me like a bad plague I even stopped work went home to sleep it off I woke up wondering will she give me a answer to where I went wrong so another stupid move i txted and asked where I did go wrong you did everything right nothing wrong and you r a really nice guy then another classic I poured my heart out to her bad bad move like we have so much in common I'll never find another like u bad bad stuff and I made her feel bad too I have never felt this way about a chick it was so bad. too mr nice to mr emotional to mr needy everything as I said the works then she said we can be friends but if you do not want too I totally understand I opted for that option said yes then thought about it the nah I cannot be friends GOODBYE now I hafta ask is there anything anything I can do to get this woman at all back there must be some sorta way to yet it seems like it is never going to happen plz help I stuffed up BAD

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