How to Build a Harem, Pt 2: Jealousy and Discretion | Girls Chase

How to Build a Harem, Pt 2: Jealousy and Discretion

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Varoon Rajah's picture

jealousy and discretion
When you have more than one girlfriend, a few rules are key: she may suspect you see other women, but you must never give her PROOF.

Welcome back to the Harem Series!

In Part 1, I shared the vital importance of Queen Theory, and why every woman you’re dating emotionally must feel like your #1 woman at all times.

I also recently wrote an article where we talked about the core differences between monogamy and non-monogamy: getting bored and losing interest versus dealing with jealousy, respectively. In that article, I discussed how to prevent boredom from seeping into your monogamous relationships. So now we’ll discuss how to prevent jealousy in non-monogamous relationships, and the importance of being discreet.

This article was inspired by something I witnessed one night while in one of the cafes I frequent. I know a few of the regulars who go there. There’s a cute girl, Rebecca, who is sought after by some of the guys, including my friend Rob. Rob has been after Rebecca for over a year, but she’s never paid him any heed, even though they were friends. Eventually Rob moved on, and a few months later started to date a new woman, Elizabeth, whom he brings to the café from time to time after she gets off work. I’ve met Elizabeth, and she’s cute, fun, and cool.

However, this act sparked a new interest in Rob – from Rebecca! After all, preselection is one of the surest signs of an attractive man, and girls are copy cats; they want what other women have. This caused Rebecca to start pestering Rob and his business partner Dave on afternoons while they were both working when Elizabeth wasn’t there yet.

That night, I witnessed Dave take a chance and seduce Rebecca just to see how far he could get. Elizabeth wasn’t there, and Rob was playing a video game on his computer, facing Dave across the table. Rebecca went right along with Dave and did it in her own way; she placed herself on Dave’s lap right in front of Rob while she and Dave were flirting with each other. And I got a second-row seat to the action as well. It got to the point where Dave was massaging her back and putting his fingers in her mouth while she was giving him sultry looks. Rebecca was openly talking with Dave about great sex, and Dave could have taken her out to the back right then and there and shagged her if he wanted.

She was having fun, but she was also doing all this because of her jealousy for Rob and Elizabeth. Rebecca really wanted to make sure he saw how desirable she was to his business partner. Some guys might ask “Why didn’t Rebecca just get with Rob when she had the chance?” Well, it doesn’t always work that way with women. The point of this story is also to show you how jealousy can manifest – and it can cause some extreme behavior.


Woman K's picture

Girls don't want to share, huh? Well, do boys then? :) I assume you are happy to lend your girlfriend to your best buddy for one night if he should ask? Just wondering. In my life, I've seen both men and women get jealous in rather equal amounts.

Varoon Rajah's picture

Hey WomanK - You're absolutely right! Men are equally behaviorally possessive about their women as women are about their men. I covered this a little bit in a former article on GirlsChase, here: The big difference is in focus - men care about sex and sexual fidelity, whereas women care about commitment and emotional fidelity. Thus a man is more concerned with his woman cheating/sleeping with someone else (even once) whereas a woman is much more concerned about her man having an extended emotional affair with another woman.


Sandman's picture

Hi Varoon,

I have a question for you. You say that we should deny it if a girl asks us if we sleep with other women. But isn't that cheating and wouldn't that inevitably lead to hurting the girl most if you do ever get caught?

I wish I read your upcoming The Talk most sooner haha. Recently I began seeing a girl, out of a long term relationship about a month ago, I am the second guy she slept with. She is really great and at first I deflected her questions about me and other girls but then I had "the talk". I told her that I do see other girls and it's better not to rush into serious relationships (monogamy) but get to know each other first. She became a bit sad that might but also trying her best to be sweet to me. The next she texted saying she was sorry she bothered me, she was feeling empty because of her breakup so that might be why she asked those questions, she didn't mine and wouldn't be asking about my girls and could we just continue, and see where things were going. This is what I did in my previous relationship. It progressed as open relationship, then one sided monogamy (on her part) then you monogamy (with some 3somes with girl into the mix). But now I'm wondering if that was the best course of action... Even though I did tell her that I was seeing other girls (mostly ONS) I kept the whole thing very vague, not even fully admitting that I did have sex with a new girl after we started dating.

I have another question, I know that GC recommends that relationships should start slow and monogamy should not be given easily. But if your goal is eventually monogamy with a girl, how much time should this be? Does not her shagging other guys while you are still seeing each other set up a bad precedence? I have not decided whether to make her my mono gf or not but this piece always seemed a bit contradictory to me and I'm very curius what you think about it.

Another thing is we know that girls have a higher chance of infidelity when their partner count goes up. But also at the same time that inexperienced girls can have a sexual awakening with a sexy guy and their curiousty can go up with regard to other guys. My girl is very inexperienced, had only one sexual partner (her ex), and most probably just vanilla sex at that. But she is also submissive and is willing to go along with my various kinks very enthusiastically (bj in movie theater, BDSM etc.) She has not had any sex with other guys yet and is not looking for it (at least aggressively) but she has her tinder open and where there is temptation.... haha I wonder if letting her fuck other guys could be a beneficial thing where she sees other guy's sexual prowess is not close to me so attaches to me further. Of course there could be guys who are better than me but I don't worry about that too much (perhaps misguidedly?). So is it better to sexually awaken a girl and show her that market place isn't as good as she might think or better to guide her towards not having sex and staying faithful (via giving more security, showing some small healthy jealousy)? Or maybe a truly outcome independent guy wouldn't even worry about if she fucks other guys or not?

This post went a bit longer than intended and for that I apologise. But I feel like you've been where I am right now and can give me some much needed wisdom :)

Varoon Rajah's picture

Nice comment, love all the directions you took with it.

In regards to girls getting hurt from cheating - In short, I believe it's better to manage a relationship well and set the correct frames honestly, but I also believe it's very important to 1. protect a girl from negative emotions, and 2. maintain the condition of the relationship. For this reason, I stand by my strategy to deny sleeping with other girls (at least proof, but you can always say that you're not the kind of guy who can only be with one woman).

In regards to eventual monogamy with a girl, I think this fine to have. My own time period for converting a non-monogamous relationship to pure monogamy would be 6-12 months after you start seeing each other, and the longer the better - because this allows NRE to wear off and you can see how well you two mesh together after that time.

It's definitely possible (and probable) that a girl will sleep with other men while she's new to non-monogamy. However, understand that 50% of women won't do it, and of the women that do, they usually do it to test your frame and see how you'll react. Women really don't like to sleep with lots of men, though (that's something we value as men) because women value commitment more. So, a girl will adopt whatever strategy she feels will help get her closer to monogamy, which also includes sleeping with other men to make her main guy jealous in the hopes that he will commit to her. Understand that just like you may throw out a frame that you're seeing other women (with no proof) she may ALSO give you the frame that she's exploring other guys (like having her tinder out, texting other men in front of you) with no proof, just to see what you'll do as a guy. This is also why it's best to be outcome independent, smile and don't give a shit about what she does. Instead, focus on being her best guy.

On letting a girl fuck other guys - I personally don't think there's anything more Alpha than telling your girlfriend that she's free to fuck other guys. The reason being is that it's the least needy frame you can ever take with a girl, and one that's also totally not possessive or jealous (meaning that as a man you have very little investment in her or what she does with her life), so all in all it's a good thing for your relationship. The big downside of course is that as a girl she's definitely going to test that frame by doing exactly that and then seeing how you react when she tells you that she fucked another guy. I have a recently new girlfriend that did exactly this - she first tried to sway me more to monogamy after I gave her the talk, and when that didn't work she is now trying the extreme opposite strategy, which is insinuating at having sexual adventures.

I think it's always better to sexually awaken a girl, because that's a stronger frame.

Hope this helps and keep us posted, man!


Damien1's picture

Hey Varoon,

sorry for digging out this old post, but how exaclty can you deny sleeping with other girls while also telling her you cannot sexually commit to only one girl? Seems contradictory to me. I had exactly this happen recently. A girl I wanted to date longer without being exclusive asked me if I had been sleeping with other girls and I just kept jokingly evading it. But she kept pestering and after some point after several glasses of wine I admitted it. Not sure if it was good or not. This girl was really looking for commitment and ended it shortly after this incident, but I don't think it was only because I slept with another girl. She was really looking for sth serious.
It certainly didn't help my attainabilty to admit it though. But on the other hand if I tell a girl that I can't be sexually exclusive, she will strongly suspect the reason why. Seems like a catch-22 for me.

Would be great if you could elaborate more on this!

Varoon Rajah's picture

You must tell her that you're not the type of guy that can be only with one girl sexually, you're just not. If she pesters why, just tell her that's the way that you are - but also mention that you really like her, care for her, and enjoy being with her. Tell her that you understand it might bother her, and she's free to leave, but you hope that she doesn't.

The fact that you admitted it here means you lost your frame. Then once she got confirmation, she ended it promptly after.

The whole point of the frame is you NOT admitting to sleeping with other girls. That is, she can and should suspect that you're sleeping with other girls. That means she is attracted to you - if she's doing this, that's good. However, she must never have proof of other women - which means if you admitted it, she got proof, and then dumped you.

You have to become a master of frame control here - deflect, or laugh, or change the subject, or tease her - but never admit.

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