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Sandman's picture

Hi Varoon,

I have a question for you. You say that we should deny it if a girl asks us if we sleep with other women. But isn't that cheating and wouldn't that inevitably lead to hurting the girl most if you do ever get caught?

I wish I read your upcoming The Talk most sooner haha. Recently I began seeing a girl, out of a long term relationship about a month ago, I am the second guy she slept with. She is really great and at first I deflected her questions about me and other girls but then I had "the talk". I told her that I do see other girls and it's better not to rush into serious relationships (monogamy) but get to know each other first. She became a bit sad that might but also trying her best to be sweet to me. The next she texted saying she was sorry she bothered me, she was feeling empty because of her breakup so that might be why she asked those questions, she didn't mine and wouldn't be asking about my girls and could we just continue, and see where things were going. This is what I did in my previous relationship. It progressed as open relationship, then one sided monogamy (on her part) then you monogamy (with some 3somes with girl into the mix). But now I'm wondering if that was the best course of action... Even though I did tell her that I was seeing other girls (mostly ONS) I kept the whole thing very vague, not even fully admitting that I did have sex with a new girl after we started dating.

I have another question, I know that GC recommends that relationships should start slow and monogamy should not be given easily. But if your goal is eventually monogamy with a girl, how much time should this be? Does not her shagging other guys while you are still seeing each other set up a bad precedence? I have not decided whether to make her my mono gf or not but this piece always seemed a bit contradictory to me and I'm very curius what you think about it.

Another thing is we know that girls have a higher chance of infidelity when their partner count goes up. But also at the same time that inexperienced girls can have a sexual awakening with a sexy guy and their curiousty can go up with regard to other guys. My girl is very inexperienced, had only one sexual partner (her ex), and most probably just vanilla sex at that. But she is also submissive and is willing to go along with my various kinks very enthusiastically (bj in movie theater, BDSM etc.) She has not had any sex with other guys yet and is not looking for it (at least aggressively) but she has her tinder open and where there is temptation.... haha I wonder if letting her fuck other guys could be a beneficial thing where she sees other guy's sexual prowess is not close to me so attaches to me further. Of course there could be guys who are better than me but I don't worry about that too much (perhaps misguidedly?). So is it better to sexually awaken a girl and show her that market place isn't as good as she might think or better to guide her towards not having sex and staying faithful (via giving more security, showing some small healthy jealousy)? Or maybe a truly outcome independent guy wouldn't even worry about if she fucks other guys or not?

This post went a bit longer than intended and for that I apologise. But I feel like you've been where I am right now and can give me some much needed wisdom :)