The “I Have to Get Every Girl” Insecurity | Girls Chase

The “I Have to Get Every Girl” Insecurity

Chase Amante

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Chase Amante's picture

get every girl
Ever feel bad because random girls don’t like you? This is the “I have to get every girl insecurity” – and it can lose you dates and lays.

Not so long ago, I was out with a girlfriend. I’d just left a café I was working at to meet her, waiting outside. When I got there, I greeted her, and then she pointed me to a girl next to her I hadn’t met before. “This is my friend,” she said.

I glanced at the friend, and she glanced at me, and I saw a half-second automatic expression of displeasure flash across her face, before she forced a smile and said hi. I said hello. And I laughed to myself.

The friend wasn’t particularly attractive (she wasn’t ugly; just ordinary). The reaction could’ve been because she didn’t like my look / something about me, or it could’ve been because I accidentally (instinctively) checked her out quickly upon turning toward her (and she didn’t like my look / something about me). I can’t really help it, it’s just an automatic thing, and it excites girls who like me but turns off the ones who don’t.

Either way, once I excused myself to use the toilet, but before I returned, I thought about this interaction, and realized that while this did not bother me now, four or five years ago I’d have taken it personal and felt hurt. And I thought back and realized I’ve seen plenty of this (girl flashes me a look of distaste; I find it amusing), and it hasn’t bothered me in a good long while.

A girl was rejecting me – right? That’s a negative judgment.

But I got a kick out of it. So what’s changed?

Comments

Alchemist's picture

By now I should be quite confident that either you can read my mind or that we're living in a simulation and the admins are having a joke at my expense :)

I don't think I've "vibed" more with any other author I've ever read. The insecurity discussed in the article is one I currently possess and I think that it's one I'll shed in a year or two. Reading about your personal progress, Chase, I can see so many parallels. I really want to be able to sit down and have a beer with you one day, or even better, be able to work together in some sort of a project.

Thanks again for writing about this!

Chandler Bing's picture

Hey Chase,

(note: realized after writing half this (long post) i have a small ? at starting halfway thru if you're looking to save time you can skip the thanks lol, put a *** where ? is)

Wanted you to know that all your overarching & mentality-thinking-to-changing & big-picture articles this summer have been perfect timing, like absolutely spot on for me. Just when i have these problems (whether I've know it or not) & started to actually understand deeper things in my mind, you've put out good stuff that hits it spot on.

Articles like this one w/ the insecurity/thing & i've too just recently come to the understanding that i'm just some guy like everyone else (even people like tom brady or Steph curry, these people are just some guys who are super skilled at bball & entertain lots of people & profit of it, & have people look up to them, etc.)

-loser mentality which helped me learn who i & people empathize w/, aka who we see ourselves like

-beginning is the hardest part seeing where I saw that i got good at something & then didn't want to go back into the grind & push myself at something else (aka ego problems!)

-unicorn hunter & thesee "perfect-for-me" kinds of girls, etc.

-take girls off their scripts where i see why me & some girls just know we're what each other is looking for almost as soon as we meet eyes, etc.

-resilient rejection where i'm just some guy & she's just some girl, no matter date, relationship, etc. it's not so big a deal, nothing is so personal that it's so about ME, etc.

-sex is supposed to be easy where i see i gotta (& have) dropped more technical stuff for now as a beginner and go w/ my (sex) instincts caz around girls it doesn't feel so complicated but my fears in my head are almost using learning lots of stuff as avoidance to taking action, etc.

-second chance one where I see this same concept of girls do this on approach invitations too (like a smaller AI & then me not noticing openly & then a bigger, more open body/come to me AI lol) & I was clueless

-why did she pick you as a boyfriend where I learned it's not alll attraction in the guys women date, like so many other things

-all women slaves hypergamy which made me realize more often than not that I've seen girls do date guys who are more like them, like similar in a way & we all do this to a degree, & it made me understanding "attainability", sameness & emotional connections, types, people attracted but not attainable/i can't get her/she can't get me feels where people deeper down afraid to get hurt/ego hurt, etc.

-why not to talk about game w/ girls which makes me see how one could come across as manipulative or just knowing more, making a girl see a guy in a different light, etc. It's just better when it feels like it just happens, overall

I remember in the beginning of 2016 you put out an article or post saying you were going to scale back & let GC be written more by other authors (they're good too), but your stuff has gotten even better, thanks for staying on board w/ writing articles

***

These articles have been like you can see into my (beginners like me) head almost lol.

But that "see into my head" part brings me to this where way back early July I asked you about the empathy-sociopath thing & how I turned it "on" sorta
http://www.girlschase.com/comment/79977#comment-79977

You asked if i did it to put growth, etc. back on table & out of cruise control, but it was more like I hit rock bottom and had to face myself & yes get out of this cruise control . Long story short, i had/have (2 months & still going deeper into this stuff, mind goes in and out of these modes of sometimes cruise control as avoidance) but I had deep past wounds of abandonment/violence w/ layers of stuff, think similar to Will of Good Will Hunting, very similar in some ways.

Working thru these things, my "empathy" - like I didn't have to learn it so much as much as it kind of flipped on. Taking the trigger of these wounds where "I don't care about anyone caz no one cares about me" & turning them off turns on this "empathy".

Like i've always had good intuitive feels w/ people, i can just feel things in a sense w/ people, w/ girls, etc. Idk i just almost know how they feel/what they want in that moment but it only registers in my mind as a feeling & I recalibrate it back w/o thinking, all unconscious - like the second chance article, I would've seen & done the same thing sorta w/ the girl of standing up & seeing her trying to save face but not knowing what I was doing consciously, just feeling it all, etc. - but now / my trigger off (sometimes it comes back, i'm a WIP), i can not only do feels in the moment, which can be made more conscious, I can go deeper, it's almost exactly like this kind of feel you wrote in Unicorn Hunter:

"I can say that with confidence, because once I use visualization, and train myself to get inside that type of girl’s head, and learn to empathize with her, and come to see her as not scary and intimidating but silly and cute, suddenly the unicorns start showing up."

^^ this is exactly what has turned on slowly in-and-out over this summer. Like on empathy tests I'm actually an empath ironically. My personality type is INFJ where I like to help people & such, care (too much) at times about others & not enough about myself, etc.

Anyways the ability to now do this anytime w/ whatever, I've learned a lot of these seduction stuff just by understanding, i can take the technical stuff out & understand why women would want this in the moment, etc, what women would want in a guy relative to what they've seen, experience, etc. caz I can almost see into their head & thru their eyes & feel what they feel and want to feel. It sheds almost any bitterness & what not by seeing it's not about me, it's about her, what does she want, etc. She's a full fledged person too, it's not about me. LIke even those girls who dress up, & act "bitchy" aka tough, they're just people too inside, and they're super cute too even if it's not so visible on the outside, still tho they're not so much of my type caz of differing social values, etc.

And it makes me see that thing above i wrote of steph curry & tom brady, etc. that we're all just people, i've pretty much just eliminated my own ssense of specialness, making my life so much more freeing. For example, like b4 i used to think u were a gawd lol but now i see ur just some guy (No offense i still think ur cool haha) who gets girls, has worked & learned this stuff, & does stuff, & etc. And this lack of specialness kind of makes me see that anyone can do anything sorta except w/ the constrictions & limits of anyone's lives, like a 23 yr old non-swimmer aint' just gonna work as hard as possible & be an Olympian but the guy who was born w/ great swimming genes/body type & got into it as a kid & so on, I see he's not so different from that guy or me. There is some luck to it, the ball of life bouncing the right way, right circumstances, etc. + hard work, etc. But there are limits to everyone's lives. (My facebook cover photo used to be captioned "limitless" lol ego problems)

I've also come to understand all the conditioning people & society & parents put on people, not thru their fault, but it is what it is. Also see the socialness of things & value & why people make friends w/ who they do, ratter than seeing it thru the specialness of "I'm likeable" & people just like me lol

Anyways this combination of being able to see thru other people's heads & stuff - including seeing myself sorta thru a girls' head to see how i come across - like before this empathy/growth stage, a lot of GC stuff I would've read & thought I knew/got but in reality it was going out on ear and not the other, i wasn't actually processing it, i wasn't actually understanding it. But now I'm much better on it. not perfect, but i can actually see it my mind and connect different things together by understanding it & what women want, how different girls want different things at different life/growth stages, etc.

Things are less personal. Like i'm literally just some guy. It's not about me. tho this kind of emotionally healthiness is as ironically as you said demotivating, I was better w/ girls & life when i was "crazy" lol. Still I'll probably always have some OCD & some avoidant/abandonment fears along w/ a few other personality disorders (like who writes such a long comment like this w/ such disconnect btwn some thought threads lol)

But now I can see how you when in your past articles like "Why girls like a bad boy" & you wrote about a woman's life & what she wants, i can not just read it & memorize, i can see from inside her head (In a way lol) & UNDERSTAND & feel her feelings to a smaller degree, and that understanding makes all the difference, and allows me to better think for myself.

So my ? was is this see into their heads thing, have you always been able to do this & Is this what you mean by empathy? Is this a relatively big part of how you got better w/ women by understanding them/flipping your thinking to their side of the picture?

Like do most other people do this "see thru other people's head" thing? I feel like a significant amount of people or even most don't at least in my age bracket (23 & under) caz i feel like a lot of ego problems would go away you know, etc. Maybe not in the moment so much but overall tho. Just my theory.

Actually more of my theory is it can be layer(s) of fears that keep people from doing this thing of understanding/seeing the bigger picture in certain situations/people or overall, caz that's what kept me from doing it w/ anyone & sometimes still does on-and-off.

Thanks for reading this if you made it this far, appreciate it Chase - Chandler Bing

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Chandler-

Ah, that’s neat. So it was there all along, but hidden under a protective shell.

You hit that rock bottom moment, said, “This shell’s doing me no good,” and discarded the shell. And then suddenly you could get back into people’s heads again.

Yes, the realizing that other people don’t have crazy special abilities and are just normal folk who’ve learned this or that is an important milestone. No gods among men. Just more men!

Empathy, yes, so far as I can recall I’ve always had it. Although it wasn’t always turned on all the time for everyone. I can remember times in school where I’d be chuckling at some kid making a fool of himself, and then I’d have empathy kick in and I’d imagine being him and feeling lost or confused because he was clearly someone who didn’t “get” why people were laughing at him and what he was doing that was “off” socially, and I’d feel bad for the guy. It’s pretty much always on these days. I was definitely a pretty sensitive kid though. I had to surround myself with tough-as-nails (mostly empathy-devoid) friends and girlfriends at one point to learn how to be tougher and more assertive and feel less social fear.

The big perspective different you’ll notice, and I went through this too (almost everyone does I think), is that as you mature, you stop being the only star in the play of your life. The world expands. It sounds like you’re going through that right now (or it’s what you went through before). It’s that freeing feeling of “I matter, but I don’t matter, and that’s not a sad thing.” As you become less fixated on your own reputation, you become freer to focus on how you affect others.

Although, I’m not entirely sure if it’s really a growing up thing, or more a situational thing. A lot of the growth seems to happen once people leave school and they’re no longer in tight little social circles where everyone monitors everyone else and you can only inch up or down in the social hierarchy. I notice people in similarly incestuous social areas post-schooling still have this; folks in the nightlife industry, or in academia, for instance.

So maybe it’s only part maturation… Maybe part of it is just getting out of tight social circles where everything you do can see you put on trial for mountains made from molehills.

Chase

Chandler Bing's picture

Hey Chase, thanks for replying, i can't believe i wrote that long of a comment lol. Must've taken me 30 min at least.

Yea it's exactly that free-feeling of "I matter, but I don't really matter that much." Yep, I feel like my world is expanding, & I can see how I connect to & affect others around me. I'm much more others-focused w/ girls now which helps me understand what they want, etc.

Empathy can be a double-edged tho, like you said from your article. I can walk around & feel energies/feelings from people I walk by/see & a decent amount of people don't seem happy in general or they're not really present/like unconscious. It's kind of saddening.

My view on life is expanding. It's interesting - Chandler

Sub-Zero's picture

When you say: " you can approach 100 girls a week, and only sleep with around 2 a week"

is that for every guy, or is that for beginners?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

SZ-

Two a week is 104 lays a year.

The average American man sleeps with somewhere between 6 and 15 girls lifetime, depending on the study/poll/survey you look at. That’s pretty good.

But yeah, if you’re doing mass approach, it’s a numbers game. You’ll be hard-pressed to do 100 highly targeted sniper-game-style approaches per week, even if you pick up 12 hours a day 7 days a week. If you’re going around pinging every girl who looks cute and seeing what you get back, that’s a lower percentage close rate, so you can expect something more like 2 lays out of 100 approaches if you’re somewhat decent with girls and you’re approaching like that.

That said, I don’t know many guys who continue to mass approach all that often once they reach an advanced level of game. You might do it occasionally if you’re just really dead set on picking up that day/night, or you’re really excited at the talent in a new venue, but it isn’t too common for guys to do past a certain level (you don’t really need to; you get good enough at eliciting signals and pouncing on them).

Chase

Faces's picture

Dear Chase,

You are my density... Will you go to the enchantment under the sea dance with me?

Faces's picture

"And Alexander wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer"

Dear Chase,
You are hereby invited to the Xmas party this year at nakatomi plaza
Come out to the coast, we'll have a few drinks...

L's picture

I had picked up these issues very early on, and reacted to them, so my biggest problem is actually that I do not care enough. So what I get from this article is that I do need to give a damn.

Outcome independence can be turned into a vice from my own experience. It's just difficult to know when to give in a little when you have no past feedback on a specific scenario.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

L-

Indeed. There’s a line between outcome independence and out-and-out apathy, and if you’re on the wrong side of it you just won’t be motivated.

Hard to maintain the balance though. Usually you will find yourself on one side of the extreme or the other, caring either too much or not enough. When you’re right at the sweet spot is where you see the biggest, fastest gains and have the most fun with girls.

Chase

Judith's picture

I'm the kind of girl that literally, does whatever it takes to convince men and women i want something from to do my choosing and I've never failed, family aside that is-_-. I just always succeed at having them do what pleases me.In that aspect i feel accomplished. I relish having that power b/c as twisted as it sounds that moderately compensates for my lack of influence, inability/ failure to resolve emotional matters with my blood lineage from the past & present. I've been accustomed to destroying what I associate as trivial emotions sex falls into that category. If i hadn't become desensitized at a young age I'd probably be caught up in drugs. It's the same reason why when I'm through with guys I'm harshly indifferent, i admit i can be a creepy type of indifference, it must be courtesy of the communist genes in me combined with environmental factors. Once more i somewhat veered off topic, but as usual I enjoyed another great article.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Judith-

Pretty natural inclination – “I want others to do what I want them to.” Although yours may well be more on the extreme end!

The “ditching people once you’re done with them” one is hard to deem good or bad. I think it’s just more a trait of high self-esteem people. Though there are nicer and less-nice ways to disentangle oneself from folks who’ve shown they aren’t moving in the same direction you are, of course ;)

Chase

Lawliet's picture

I think this is similar with viewing it as a skill.
The skill to be able to charm many girls at a party, or go home really quickly with a girl (or her home for me), and eventually, capable of finding a high status girlfriend and having her head over heels over me in a relatively short time.

However, I do notice my thoughts. Instead of "aww I'm not getting all girls", it's "Alright, that didn't go well...let's analyze and see where I did wrong...fundamentals? unsmooth? Wait, another girl is coming, let's go say hi".
Though I haven't gotten it out of my system yet.

Sometimes, rejection still stings me, especially when I'm tired out from my day already
And I would call it a day despite of "beautiful" girls across the street (well I'm exhausted and in a tux on a hot summer day)
That's when I'm most vulnerable to have thoughts of "I can't get girls, should give up" whisper in the back of my head.

Despite of knowing "girls are rejecting my presentation. Fix fundamentals." and "each girl have different prototype they are attracted to, your presentation didn't match this one today", it still creeps behind sometimes.

Re: Changing her opinions
How do you do this?
Is this the key to all girls finally?!
Imagine being able to change the opinions of those who aren't head over heels immediately.
Holy Shite!

Logic ramble:
You will first have to identify what it is causing disgust.
Then identify what she deems good.
Then transition to it (sort of similar to active listening in relating, you're mirroring what impresses her...effortlessly).

But identify...how to mind read? (Lawliet Googles ESP).

Re: Getting reactions? But no dates. Damn tux
I noticed I get reactions...sometimes...when I have more sleep.
People usually look at me in a tux.
Good conversation, she's laughing. We are relating about childhood movies.
But when it comes to "number swap", I notice a 1 sec pause, before emiting "Ok".

Lawliet

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Lawliet-

Changing opinions is a very involved topic. However, a few pieces to get you started:

Identifying problems, try the Socratic Method. Just ask questions and let her guide you to it. "So, correct me if I'm wrong. Your position is X and Y, correct? And you believe if X and Y, then Z? Is that right? Or am I missing something? Okay, cool. So if Z, wouldn't A be true? Or is A not true?" Done properly, you will lead them to help you understand their perspective, then lead them toward understanding your perpsective. Then you get constructive dialogue.

If you're getting the hesitant pause before a girl agrees to give you her number, you're not doing it smooth enough, most likely. I suggest you check for a.) if you're doing it on high points, and b.) if you're coming across excited when you ask. These are usually the problem - you can boil them down into 'lack of conviction' on the ask.

Chase

SZ's picture

Chase,

I always make sure to have sex with my girl, especially after reading that you said we should every time we chill.

But is there ever a time where if we don't have sex that it won't mess up the relationship?

like say if she is hurt or is ill, you can say the same for me.

is it OK to back off sex in those cases? I mean no sex at all and we just are alone together for however long, or do we try to sleep with them later? we don't live together.

basically what I'm asking is will it mess things up if we don't have sex if she's Ill or I'm ill.

what would be the cases where you should not go for sex?

I know you said to sleep with girls if they say they are on their period.

so what is legitimate reason to avoid sex and will you be alright if you just avoid it.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

SZ-

If it's a long-term relationship, sure, you can make the occasional exception I suppose.

I'm trying to think of a relationship I had where I saw a girl and didn't have sex with her for some reason. There was one where a girlfriend had to have some minor surgery that prevented us from sex for about 3 weeks or so. Otherwise though, if a girl's sick, I've got the treatment. And when I'm sick I always get super horny for some reason.

But different strokes for different folks, I guess. My general opinion is outside of something like surgery where you just CAN'T have sex, there's usually not a good reason to forego sex any time you see each other when not living together. Perhaps if you're low drive and she's low drive, it's different. I haven't experienced that myself personally, so can't say.

Chase

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