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Many a man's search to secure for himself the woman he most desires ends in disappointment; unable to get the girl of his dreams, he settles for someone a little less beautiful, a little less intelligent, a little less charming, a little less ideal than he imagined he ever would.
She's good enough, he tells himself... but in the back of his mind, he always wonders if he could've found her had he kept looking; that perfect woman for him.
It's a large part of the reason so many men in the West drag out their relationships into these extended courtships now, with no real direction or purpose. And when you ask them where their relationships are headed, as a friend; whether they are going to stay with this girl or marry her, even after they've been with her for two or more years, they only tell you, "I don't know."
If she was their DREAM girl, they'd know then, though. They'd tell you, "Yes," of course, and they'd tell it to you in a heartbeat.
But where do you even begin looking for a girl like that? And how do you get her, when there's so much competition out there looking for a girl like her, and so few girls who are like her themselves?
That's what this post is about; on how to find the woman you most want. I'm going to show you why most men - and most women - never really find the person of their dreams, what paths you must be willing to take if you truly want to find yours, and what the 10 steps are that will ultimately lead you there... to her.
Note: for guys who've been reading this site for a while, much of
this will be review. However, you might find interesting the notes on
settling - that hasn't been discussed as much. In any event, read on...
Comments
Life
Hi Chase,
Your stories stay with me long after each article, I like them.
I've found myself consistently telling myself to get better and not settle like the others, a lot of that comes from you and this site. I was wondering if you could sometime write an article on how you keep fit/healthy. I'd like to see what goes into your diet/routine if that's not too weird. :)
Fitness & Health
Hi InterKnight,
Glad to hear I've challenged you not to settle!
I've been meaning to do a post on losing weight and keeping it off at some point, I just never seem to get around to putting it up. But I'll throw that one on the list.
My approach to diet probably isn't anything you really want to know(!). I'm a supertaster (10% of the population - here's the Wikipedia page), which means food tastes more intense for me than most folks, and also makes me dislike most foods. It's gotten better as I age, but fruits and vegetables are still out of the question for me, which makes healthy eating, at least as most people define it, also more or less out. My diet mainly revolves around calories in, calories out; if I start putting on weight from eating too much unhealthy food, I can drop it in a few weeks or a month by reducing my intake below what's needed to sustain my body mass, and fat disappears.
I'll do a post on keeping weight off (it makes a big difference in your appearance and with women, too), and some general fitness tips (that will more be me referring you to people more knowledgeable than myself!).
Cheers,
Chase
Gaining weight
Could you also do one on gaining weight. I've been a skinny guy all my life because I have a fast metabolism...gaining weight and muscle is difficult for me.
Common misconception about
Common misconception about fast metabolism and skinny people. But the reality is that metabolism really doesn't play that big of a role in gaining or losing weight. Genetics determines a lot of differences, but we all aren't as different as we think from the beginning; how you were raised has a lot to do with it as well.
The more likely reason for your skinniness is that your stomach and appetite are smaller due to your lifestyle.
Chase, if you want some help on developing a healthier and sexier body, I might be able to provide some insight. I've done a LOT of reason on this subject, and I believe (well, hope) that I have come at some conclusions on a lot of things related to fitness that get rid of the influence caused by marketing. But if you want to market outside sources, just ignore my comment ;).
Gaining Weight / Building a Better Body
@ Wes,
I don't have TOO much experience here, and I'm not a personal trainer or a complete fitness nut, so I don't want to risk going outside my domain here. However, I can talk about gaining muscle mass when I was young and skinny myself (I started lifting weights at 16, but didn't see results until I knuckled down hard on it a little before turning 19), and getting over weight plateaus (I spent about 2 1/2 years stuck at the same bench press, curl, and leg press weights, despite working out pretty regularly, mainly because of psychological hurdles. Left them in the dust later, though).
@ RTB,
I was mostly going to point guys to Bill Philips / Body-4-LIFE, since that's what got me going when younger and still the primary structure for my workouts, as well as the study on slowly-performed exercises leading to faster muscle growth (that's what I meant by pointing people to outside authorities who know better than I do). But if you've got some solid research you've discovered that's led to you getting some great results, I'm happy to give it a listen! I'm not the authority in this arena, more of an interested, pseudo-educated lay person ;)
Cheers,
Chase
Yeah, I'm not an expert on
Yeah, I'm not an expert on the area fitness either. A lot of my basis is based on observations and not concrete research, but if you're interested in hearing my theories on muscle gains I'll definitely shoot you some of my knowledge. I'm not huge or anything due to a lot of psychological problems that I've been recovering from, but I seemed to still cling onto hope earlier in my life I ended up researching muscles a lot more than I actually put effort into lifting/eating the right foods.
Tension over time (slowly performed movements) is a nice tool to use in muscle gains, but there are a LOT of things that can be done to gain muscle. It really isn't as hard as people think... My theory is that if your diet is right, and you are tearing your muscles in a short amount of time without over-tearing them, you can build a pretty nice body. Notice, I said tear, not exhaust. I'm now going to cut myself off from talking about this topic, just shoot me an e-mail if you want to hear my personal take about a lot of things that are fitness related, and I can probably link a few links that I've read over the years.
Building muscles, roughly, is
Building muscles, roughly, is all about adaption to stimulus and enough calories.
If you keep lifting the same weights you will stay at the same level, in the end if you are not getting stronger, you are not getting bigger. You need periodization to go over plateu, once you hit it you bascially delaod and move again up the ladder. There are verious periodization methods linear, nonlinear etc, explosive positive movements, and slow negative movements are good for muscle fibers activation. There are very good methods for advanced that are extremely effective at stimulating muscle hypertrophy, basically rest-pause methods with linear weight progression up and repetitions down (as weights goes up) over the period of time, but manging to keep overall volume the same. Then once you hit you near rep max, you deload, recover, slightly decondition muscles, and start again the whole cycle.
As for diet, there are great protocols for leaning out or lean gaining like intermiitent fasting (16H fast, 8H eating windows - you can put all the bullshit about the need for 6-8 a day to the trash) but it is not necessary. Basically is it all about macros, calories in and out plus possibility of lipolisys, so you can burn fat effectively.
Blaming genetics is not the way to go, everybody (unless it is some kind of illness) can build naturally a great body. Ofcoruse there is a limit, you won't look like Mr. Olympia, because noone is able to build and maintain so much muscle mass without steroids, but belive me, you can build a pretty big, proportional, ripped physique that makes 99% guys jealous as hell and 99% girls instantly wet.
By they way, I'm 30, have a girlfriend with good character, beautiful, taking care of home, even taking care of my own things (important for me, not for her) and thinking if it is really what I want... I think I lost attraction, because she really wants to be with me and I have the power... on the other side wondering if it is not too late to make changes ;)
Supertaster
Ha, that sounds like some sort of special ability. Interesting though!
I get where you're coming from though, my preferences change fast. I prefer having lots of something one week than never having it again.
Also, today was a big confidence booster that came every bit from reading these articles.
Thanks. :)
Religious Context
I firmly believe you need to motivate yourself to do things, especially before this natural "settle mode" kicks in at 35 t0 40.
But nothing is impossible. My religion has it people become inclined to their attitude and character at 40 and likely is hard for them to change.
the point you made here is on the point, but the changing part, which we also know all humans have the tendency to be lazy, this makes another point.
We have to always strive until we are done, as in gone with the wind.
Zac.
Re: Religious Context
Zac,
Absolutely. Religion's one of the few things that carries the power to motivate people when other sources of motivation fall away, simply because of the overarching purpose it entails. Fewer people have religion in today's world, but most of those without haven't replaced their lost religions with anything, which robs them of a certain degree of purpose and motivation that the religious have an edge over them with.
I'm a strong believer that every man needs to find for himself a purpose; something to believe in greater than himself. Without that, he is lost and adrift in a sea of meaninglessness, which can be empowering at times, but more often than not is instead rather enervating and discouraging. Religion exists because it gives wings to the faithful; belief has decisively shown itself to be more adaptive than non-belief, at least up until modern times, and I'd suspect it will continue to show itself as such long into the future.
Best,
Chase
'I'm a strong believer that
'I'm a strong believer that every man needs to find for himself a purpose; something to believe in greater than himself.'
I was already going to write this in comment under article about lauching the forum and application for memebrs, but as I'm here it fits pretty good.
The overall problem with everything related to self-improvement is that people generally do not know what they want.
Im interested in meditation and practicing regularly from 30 min to 1 hour a day. I think that this is valid road to 'happiness' (in fact well being, because you just don't give meanings to things, don't jugde them and don't trigger thoughts that lead to negative emotions), but as you said in the comment under that another article, it is not about being happy, further in fact is not that people don't want to be happy, people simply *don't know what they want*.
It's related to decisiveness and being confident in own choices, somewhat procrastination and laziness too. If someone could teach people how to get to know what they really want and stick to it, that would be the real answer to their problems. Then everything will come so fucking easy, if you know, believe and are passionate about it, there is nothing that can stop you and there is the happiness itself, the one that people are *somewhat* looking for.
So... what do I really want...
Self worth
Hey chase I've been looking around but I couldn't really find an article on self esteem. I have low self esteem and inferiority complex. I always compare myself to others like ALL the time and I mean all the time. With friends,family, and guys I see at bars, clubs, and guys with their girls. When I'm out I feel so lame seeing guys with girls and I don't have one, it makes me feel like something's wrong with me. Especially on Facebook when I see people showing off all the good things going on in their life and I'm just living my regular one. Then I keep thinking about bad moments in my past that replay in my head over and over making me think I'm really a loser. I don't mean to vent so much about it but I know your good with people and to be honest I trust your advice more than anyone else. Could you help me out with my self esteem, confidence, and getting rid of the inferiority complex and reliving past failures? Thanks Chase, all of this stuff will help me finally get my dream girl.
Self-Esteem
Howdy Vaughn,
Self-esteem / not thinking poorly of yourself is a great topic to write on. I'll get one up on that.
Quick tip in the meantime: start training yourself to get angry at these thoughts. Every time you notice your mind telling you, "Oh, look at that guy with his pretty girlfriend... I'm such a loser," you should immediately get angry at that thought and think to yourself, "Loser? Bullshit! I'm getting off my ass to go get better at meeting women RIGHT NOW, and once I've got that handled let's see if you still think I'm a loser."
You can't defeat negative self-talk, but you can redirect it, challenge it, and even be inspired to fight harder to prove it wrong. Take that tack, and you can use it as fuel to your fire, rather than a dousing.
Cheers,
Chase
What can I say, this is an
What can I say, this is an incredible post.
Since I found the blog I've been reading and re-reading random articles which stood out to me but to actually break it down like this and organize the articles in a great order... "get this part down and then the next...". Brilliant.
As far as settling goes. I've had the same thoughts for a while now so it's great to see it written out. 90% of my circle are in relationships and simply do not see it this way. One girl friend recently labelled me "a disaster" now that I've begun dating more girls and stayed single. Her ideal is "being in a relationship", doesn't matter who with and being 28 and single just was not in her plans. Made me feel bad at first about my own views but this blog helped to clear my mind.
While they are all relatively happy in relationships, and their partners are all "nice", none of them jump out of me and make me say "Wow, I wish that was me". Most have changed a lot, most have disappeared from any social activity and most seem to "do what they are told". What's worse, having known someone before a relationship and as friends, knowing what they really want, I find it a shame that their partners are not what they wanted 1,2,3 years ago when single.
We'll see how this journey goes. I'm 28 and have achieved so many things in my life because I WANTED it and went after it. Relationships haven't been a difficult one but with some direction now I think this is the next thing for me to work on. Looking forward to it.
Thanks Chase.
Not Settling, Friends' Girlfriends
Hey Estate,
Yeah, it's one of those things you just see as you get older, especially if you're attuned to it. Like, "Wait a minute man... you said you wanted this, this, and the other thing in a mate before... this girl isn't even half of that!" And you never get an emphatic reply like, "Dude, this girl is the ONE for me!" it's always kind of, "Yeah, well, but, she's kinda cool, and, like..." Depressing to see your once-free guy pals get whipped and yoked one at a time, but I guess that's life for most men.
Interesting note on the girlfriend. Remember that it's in her best interest to discourage you from the single life and encourage you settling down; you stay "single and loving it" long enough, and it might start tempting her boyfriend and your friend back to it. Women know instinctively that they need to control the influences on their man, and either influence them to do the "right" thing (the thing that most benefits the woman), or influence their lover to wind down the time he's spending with that friend.
I'm... a pretty likable guy, personally, but the one group of people on Earth with the most bitter dislike for me, almost across the board, is friends' girlfriends. I don't talk about women, or dating, or game, or pickup, or ANY of that stuff with them, but I guess my friends tell them things or paint me in a certain light (or blame me for things... "Oh, I don't want to go out, but I can't just leave Chase to go out by himself!"); whatever the reason for each individual girl, we end up at odds. I almost don't hang out with friends in relationships anymore because I don't want to be a bad influence causing tension and drama between them and their women.
Well, you sound like a guy who's accustomed to getting results - I don't think relationships will present much of a challenge to you. They're more challenging to the guys without as much direction or focus in their lives... the guys who have more trouble saying "no" to their women than others.
Best,
Chase
Hey Chase, If there were
Hey Chase,
If there were words I could use to express my gratitude for this post, I would use them.
I am speechless. Thanks for all you do, man.
Wes
Re: Speechless
Glad you liked the post, Wes!
Chase
Thank you for your response
Thank you for your response on the last article. Great tips on the not having a car thing. But how do you get a girl just to come over without thinking he's just trying to have sex with me and how do you get them to actually drive to your house? How can I stop them from thinking that and get them invested to come over if I don't see them? Build a relationship over text and phone? About this article though, I have no problem reading your post I'm addicted to it, but please tell me how can I remember and apply all of this info? Thanks Chase!
Getting Girls Over
Hey George,
Easy one - tell her to come over to your place and you'll head out from there. She'll say, "What are we going to do?" and you'll say, "There're tons of things we can do... just come over and let's pick something and then we'll head out."
On all the stuff in the article - take it in bite-sized chunks, a little bit at a time. Save the article, tackle part of it, come back and grab more when you've used that newer stuff and you've got it down.
There's also the consideration that while you won't consciously remember everything you read, your brain takes notes, and if you're out there interacting with women regularly, things will start popping up that you didn't even realize you remembered. Your brain's a more resourceful piece of equipment than you might realize.
Cheers,
Chase
Hmmm?
"... and it might even be a lot sooner than you think."
Could it be that you already have found the woman you most want, Chase?
Re: Hmmm?
Actually, I've found a bunch of them, blubby ;)
Hey Chase, After i went
Hey Chase,
After i went through this article i started to read another one shortly after and i saw something that caught my attention. In "How to ask a girl out and always get a yes" you wrote something like
"And if she does, you are in. Maybe not that time. But ask her out a week later, and she's probably going to say "yes." And if she doesn't, rinse and repeat.
It might sound silly, but you being unfazed when she says "no" is one of the most crazy attractive things you can do around a woman. Persistence is attractive to women like few other things are.
Don't believe it? Try it out. Then come back and let me know how it worked out. You may be quite surprised. Even guys women thought they'd never go out with get dates this way... I've heard plenty of stories of men who've done exactly this. And I've pulled off a few of these myself, too.
Persistence pays off. Don't take "no" so seriously."
I guess what i want to know is how does all this play in with not chasing her...if you leave enough time between your proposals it doesn't count as chasing?
Thanks for all the insight that you provide here
Chasing vs. Not Chasing
Howdy Anon,
I guess think of it like this: some really cool, pretty girl you know casually tells you one day that the two of you should hang out. You tell her you'd like to, but you're really busy. She tells you no problem, she understands.
A week or two later you guys run into each other and she says to you again, "Hey, we should grab a sandwich this week."
If she's really cool, and pretty, and she's very casual and not making a big deal in how she asks you out... does it feel much like chasing?
Usually it won't. You'll know she's interested, but because she's not making a big deal of it, the amount of chasing is minimal, if any. And once you're out with her, if she's good at what she does, suddenly you're chasing her and qualifying her.
So, sometimes you will need to chase a bit at the outset just to get the girl around you and exposed to you, or to take the measures (e.g., asking her out) that most women aren't prepared to take themselves. But you can absolutely reduce any air of chasing to the bare minimum with a well-executed ask, and get her chasing you very soon into the actual date (or even before).
Chase
Work Mode
Wow! Eye opening post, makes you appreciate youth. Not to dishearten the older readers. Just to say that life should be cherished and lived out the best it can be. So don't wait on life, make it happen now!
But I'm drifting off, had a question. Been reading this blog for almost a year now and I owe a lot of my added ambition to it. So I thank you Chase Amante, and your team.
The question is about getting together with girls you work with, I am young guy, working jobs at the mall to save up for school. I feel attraction from a lot of the girls I work with, but want an idea of how to transition it into getting one on ones with them. I want it to go smoothly, because I work with them and would see them frequently. So I don't want strain working relationships, but since I'm there a good amount time, translating this environment into my dating life would be awesome.
Thanks again for all your amazing insights.
Alex
Dating at Work
Hi Alex,
Most definitely; we've all got a limited amount of time, and that's all we get; a lot of people figure they'll just push things off into the future, until one day they wake up and realize there's not a whole lot of future left to push things off into. The life you start building today is the one you get to live tomorrow...
Work's a sticky situation, especially if you work somewhere without much turnover or without a natural hook up cultural (e.g., strip clubs, restaurants, etc.). I've had a few people ask about this recently - I'll get a post on it up.
Cheers,
Chase
Vulnerability
Hi Chase,
Thank you for such a wonderful primer! I come from a background of anxiety (nervousness around people) and as a defense mechanism, I developed a "douchey"/arrogant outward behavior that is not to my liking anymore. For example in high school, when I see a girl I like, I want to talk to her but my anxiety takes over and as a result, I try to make it seem like I'm not talking to her because I'm too cool, to protect the true nature of my hesitation. As a result, I put girls (even ones that were interested in me) into auto-rejection. Though I've been consciously correcting my behaviors for the last year, that part of me still pops around.
I want to learn how to be vulnerable around people again (just like when I was a kid). I feel like I put on a front, whether I want to or not, and I think it's unattractive. If you can share with me a post on vulnerability, that would be immensely helpful.
On a side note, I've been practicing self-implemented CBT approaches to lessen my anxiety (asking "how's your day going?" to everyone I meet, asking for time/directions etc). If you can share with me certain "programs" or plans you find valuable or helpful to reducing anxiety, I would closely adhere to it. Please let me know!
Hope everything is well at your end!
Thanks,
Adrian
Re: Vulnerability
Hi Adrian,
Sounds similar to me in school. I was more cool / aloof than arrogant / douchey, but the cause (social anxiety) was the same.
Vulnerability properly done is an interesting mix of strength and humility. You might check out this post to get started:
Take the Edge Off: Using Humbleness Like an Elite Man
But I'll do a post on vulnerability too; it's a good topic.
On reducing anxiety - there've been a bunch of people asking for an article on that here lately... it's in the works! Stay tuned; probably sometime this week.
Cheers,
Chase
Older but not looking it
Great post!
I'm in my upper 30s and had to work like a demon to build a couple great careers. Unfortunately that took all my head space in my 20s and I've not had time to work on my girl game.
I decided to change that. These posts are extremely helpful.
I'm stumbling over something right now. I'm good looking, fit, have style (props to my gay pals here) and am VERY young looking... women guess I'm in my mid- 20s and I get asked for ID all the time. But this seems to freak women out more often than not.
Inevitably I'm going to approach a lot of younger women. Any tips on how to quickly establish a suave older guy vibe... with the understanding my goals are: picking up and screening for top tier women.
Suave "Older Guy" Vibe
Hey Dash,
I'll do a post on this, it's a great topic. But since the post backlog is getting a little steep, here're a few tips for the meantime: women typically expect older men to be experienced, accomplished, and in-control. This means dominance and a relaxed vibe is more important than ever; you've basically got to find it mildly amusing when she's acting crazy, or dramatic, or super-excited, or if testing and probing you.
The vibe you're going for is, "Yeah, all these younger guys are worshipping the ground you walk, but they don't realize you're just as young and clueless as they are. But I do. And it's okay, I like you because you're young and fresh and eager... you've got potential, kid."
You also want to focus your screening on her ambitions and energy and what she can still do with her life. Trying to come across as if you're impressed with her accomplishments will make you seem like an unsuccessful guy, which is very bad for men who are 30+; so instead, you want to be somewhat impressed by her energy and enthusiasm and her drive and ambition. If she doesn't have much of these, you'll still need to draw them out of her, because without that she can't get a good feel for why a guy like you is interested in her, and will simply assume you're chasing tail / going for whatever you can get / not screening that hard / don't have a lot of options / aren't a great catch. You want her to understand you've recognized something in her that appeals to you very much, and THAT'S why you're willing to spend time with this young 20-something despite her inexperience and lack of overly engaging conversation.
If you can do that, you'll have a much easier time of it. A little disqualifying yourself, "I'm much too old for you; maybe you can introduce me to your mother instead," once she's interested can also help to get her trying to prove to you why you should date her and not someone else (don't do it TOO much though, or you'll risk blowing her out into auto-rejection).
Cheers,
Chase
thanks, and advice about a girl
Chase,
First I just wanted to say thanks. Recently, and in large part because of this website, I have become a huge proponent of growing and developing myself as much as possible at every chance that I get. This kind of thing takes a lot of focus and willpower to keep it going, when trying to balance doing well in school, working out, teaching myself a language, and acquiring other skills in my spare time, and I find myself in a funk sometimes where I'm not growing at all. I'm just "getting by", or going through the motions. I was just in one of those funks, until I read the first few paragraphs of this article. My mind has snapped back to a growth mentality, and I have you and your website to thank for that.
Secondly, there's this girl that I've been "working on" for the past few weeks, and I just wanted your advice. I've known the girl for a while, seeing as we worked on a project together last semester (we're both freshman in college), but she wasn't attracted to me then (back then I was an asshole on instinct, chased girls and was way to earnest with them, and dressed and smelled not very well). However, this semester (since I radically changed all of these things in myself), she has been considerably more receptive, and I am fairly sure more attracted, to me. We have been seriously flirty over the last two weeks or so, but no escalation (a mix of logistical problems with isolation since she has no free time, her own reticence to hang out one-on-one, and my being a pussy on the one moment where I had a clear opportunity). She has invested in me, and always invites me to these youth groups that she goes to. We also do spend a ton of time together, although I doubt that is a positive thing, as it means she is getting accustomed to me and I am losing my "mystery" and allure. Now normally, if it was any other girl, I would recognize a lost cause and move on, and this is what my gut is telling me to do. However, this girl grew up in a very religious and sheltered household, and has not done anything at all with any guy (I know this because she told me), so my thought is that it might be better to establish a foundation of trust with her before escalating. Also, there are these occasional periods, one of which happened yesterday, where she goes from casually bubbly and interested to seriously flirty and invested.
Do you think that the religious, innocent factor makes the "working on" period acceptable in this case, and that I should stick with it for at least another week or so, or would you say that this is a lost cause, that I'm just rationalizing my own failings as building a foundation of trust and that I should move on to something better worth my time? Also, do you think the moments of serious flirtation and investment are just her (unintentionally) dangling a worm in front of me just so that she can get a kick out of my attention?
In fact, as I write this, the facts have sort of gotten straightened out in my head, and I think that I do need to move on, but what do you think?
Appreciation
I want to say a big "Thank you" to you , and the entire "girlschase crew" I've been immensely informed. Thank you very much.
Hi Chase,
Hi Chase,
I'm 24 and found myself in a relationship with a beautiful lawyer who loves me. It's pretty awesome, but I never finished the process of getting good at landing quality women. I was just beginning when I found myself exclusively dating this girl.
I have the urge to finish what I started, approach girls en masse, face my anxieties head on and really become a sexy man before I reach 30.
A factor complicating this is that I live in Sydney, it's not the best city if you want abundant awesome women. It does have awesome women, but it's not on the same level as if I were in Japan, or Eastern Europe, and I have no plans of moving out of Sydney.
My current girlfriend is from Korea, gained her citizenship here and I landed her. Not sure what to do now. Your perspective would be much appreciated.
A.
E
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