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Almost one year ago, a commenter named Jo asked a question in "What Does She Want? The 8 Things You Must Ask Her" about stomach butterflies.
Here's what he had to say:
“I've heard many women say they get 'butterflies' around certain men, and that they feel 'nervous' around these guys. Somehow the thought of these guys makes these women's hearts 'flutter' and this seems to be something that (at least some) women want. I don't know if you've ever touched on this or not, but it'd be great to see an article that goes in to the social dynamics and psychology of the 'butterflies' phenomenon.
I haven't thought about this topic very deeply but off the top of my head and without any research I think the occurrence of 'butterflies' is a manifestation of one's anticipation of more good things to come. You don't know exactly what it will be but all you know (subconsciously) is...you want more! It occurs when you really like someone, and because they're unpredictable, you don't know exactly what's coming next. But you do know that usually whatever this person says or does is something that you find delightful and because of that you anticipate more good feelings...
So in the moments between good feelings you subconsciously anticipate experiencing more of them but you don't know exactly how they will manifest themselves, due to the unpredictability of the individual providing the good feelings. This seems to be something that drives some women crazy and they love it when it happens... It's all subconscious of course so they may not be able to tell you exactly WHY they like it so much.
So my question to you is, have you ever encountered this phenomenon of women getting butterflies around you? If so, how do you provide this feeling at will (i.e. what sorts of things a man can do to get women feeling butterflies and anticipation... and how can a man sense that what he's doing in this regard actually working?) It's one thing to try and pick up a girl, it's another thing to make them want to come back for more and more...and be out-of-control when around you...
Look forward to hearing from you...
Thanks.”
The "butterflies in her stomach" (or yours) phenomenon is a pretty common one to love, romance, seduction, and sex. It's a turn of phrase that's used to indicate the feeling of clenched anticipation for something desired one feels deep in one's gut; when she feels it, she's feeling nervous in all the right ways.
Giving girls exactly this feeling is one of the things I recommend you aim to do as much as you possibly can - that is, to give as many butterflies as you can, to as many of the women you meet as you can.
Of course, before you can do that, you've got to know what these butterflies are - and how they come about invading cute girls' stomachs in the first place.
Comments
Passion or comfort?
For some reason this seems to be my specialty. I guess it's because i'm one of the pickiest guys you'll ever meet (by the way, any way to be less picky so I can meet more women?) so I'm genuine in my interest when I meet a girl I like every once in a blue moon. I never thought the formula would be this complicated but I just gaze at the girl like it's love at first sight and there's this still pause between us that only we share like we're in our own little world.
Is it better to go in with this type of emotion though, compared to a friendly just being social or a sexual I reek of sexual tension type vibe? What I'm trying to figure out is, is there a prioritized list of emotions that girls want and must haves? Say, for example:
1. sexual tension
2. dominant
3. warm
4. fun
5. mysterious
etc.
A romantic is able to give a girl butterflies due to his sensuality, whereas a stereotypical beefcake would not be able to provide something like this, and instead provides physical toughness and dominance. You could perhaps dumb this down to passion vs. comfort. Each of these guys also express themes like humor and body language differently. Does it come down to what the girl prefers, or what would happen when a beefcake can't provide the slow, composed sexual tension and other fundamentals that seem to belong more to the classy rich guy? Does each girl respond to certain traits and subconsciously prioritize each one?
I Dno, the girls I know seem
I Dno, the girls I know seem to go for the "hard" guys. But they are more on the bad girl side.
Chase, would you say that most women are happy in their relationships? Often i see pretty girls with guys who dont seem to have much going for them nor are they very alpha. Not to say they are the wimpiest but they don't have the fundamentals that you preach here on the site or anything else that stands out about them including providing good emotions. Are these types of women usually waiting to be swept off their feet by a chase amante?
Girls in Their Relationships
Anon-
My general feeling is that most people are kind of just "there" in their relationships.
I will meet a lot of women who are in even apparently "good" relationships, and if I can get into a conversation with them, I will watch them become enchanted, then excited, then aroused, just being around me and interacting with me. And that's nothing special about me... plenty of my friends have the same things happen to them again and again.
My suspicion is that even most women who are content enough in their relationships are only there because they don't have access to something even better, which (if you know how to come across that way) you can present yourself as being... and usually often are.
Of course, whether they choose to pursue you, or shrink back in fear and embarrassment at their interest in someone else when they are supposed to be in a committed relationship, is dependent on who they are, how sexually liberated they are, and just what the condition of the relationship they're in is anyway in the first place.
Chase
Re: Passion or comfort?
J-
On pickiness, see this one: "Lower Your Standards (and Date Hotter Girls)."
I wouldn't say any specific emotions are prioritized over one another, so much as there are just certain emotions where the more you have of them thrown into the mix, the more attractive you're going to be as an option. If you're feeling love at first sight, I'd take that in with you and mix it up with sexual tension - what you get is a powder keg of mutual excitement and both parties pushing the interaction forward at full throttle.
Women do respond differently to different traits - some women go crazy for super dominant men, whereas some women recoil if a man takes on more than a touch of dominance, for instance. You'll generally find that you settle into your "types" of women you like dating and interacting with, and usually stay within those types - if you want to venture outside of them, you'll have to be willing to either tone up or dial back aspects of yourself and your behavior, and it'll feel less natural.
I differentiated between women who are looking for very solid / dominant men and women who are looking for softer / more comfort-oriented men here - might be worth a read: "The 4 Kinds of Girls and Which Ones YOU Should Go For."
Chase
your opinion
chase I know u talk a bit about deep diving and having connection building conversations which allow the two of you to relate etc
and I understand how that's important if your going to be talking with the girl for an hour before doing anything.
but this site is all about moving fast.
surely when you meet a girl in a club or even street with the idea of bringing her back to yours in about 10, 15 minutes deep diving slows things down? and begins to slot you into boyfriend territory?
is it not faster to meet a girl, have good fundamentals, drop a few witty lines of humour that verges on negging her etc, have her laugh a few times, ask her back, boom? I guess the problem is that won't work on most girls all of the time? But will it work sometimes?
How can you stop deep diving from slotting you into the bf zone
Thanks
Skipping Steps
Jasper-
Rules are made to be broken... With fast pulls (e.g., sub-15 minutes or so), you'll usually do very minimal deep diving - just enough to get her qualifying herself to you and filling you in on a few details about her so you're not complete strangers. A 30-minute pull will often have plenty of deep diving still; if you're going under 10 minutes, there may not be any.
Deep diving's there to help you build attraction and navigate through getting investment and opening up the escalation windows in women who aren't sold on you the moment you say "hello"; but for the girls who are, you can sometimes skip this step, and even go from "hello" and a few light words of initial banter straight to pulling and sex... of course, that usually requires pretty strong fundamentals, but even if you don't have yours completely on lock, you'll still sometimes run into these scenarios regardless. In these cases, it's not necessary to do every step; it's just necessary to recognize the signs that the windows are open, and then jump through them.
Chase
Walking Away
Great article, Chase.
Where does "walking away" from a woman/situation fall into the equation? I have always been in dilemma; is walking away the ultimate masculine weapon against women playing games or is it just a euphemism for an unsuccessful ending with a woman?
I found myself several times walking away when things didn't go as I wanted or whenever I felt a woman crossed a personal red line of mine (e.g. women who do not even make the move to offer to pay their share by the third or fourth date, thinking that it is only natural for a man to always pay, while only kisses and make-outs happened between us).
So, under what circumstances does "walking away" create butterflies in their stomach and gets them back to chase you? My personal results on this one have not so far been spectacular. Mostly, when I left the entire situation just ended. No move on their part.
Thank you
Re: Walking Away
Sam-
It all comes down to what terms you walked away on, and what the communication was before you walked away.
e.g., if she flakes on a date, and then you just never call or text again, she'll either think, "Wow, he must've taken that really hard!" or, "Well, guess that flake was the right move - he clearly isn't very interested."
Alternately, if you have a situation where you sit down with a girl you've been on 4 dates with and she's still no more comfortable with you or willing to go home with you, but she's begun bonding with you as a friend, and you say, "Hey, you know what, you're a REALLY cool person, and I'm glad we've been hanging out. But in all honesty, I'm looking for a cool gal I can get something substantial going on with right now, and friends doesn't cut it for me. And I think that's all you want, which is totally cool... but, as for me, I've got to go hit the dating pool. And as for you - well, I'm not really sure exactly what you're looking for, but whatever it is, it's out there, and I know you're going to find it - you're a sharp girl," THEN you leave... there's a very good chance she comes knocking down your door a not-long time after with renewed interest at giving things another shot.
Or, at the very least, you will have her respect and admiration for not hanging around and hoping... like most of the guys she allows to court her do.
Chase
On what terms
Well, Chase
This girl wants me for boyfriend and I don't mind, since I like her too. She said she misses to be romanced by men and since I am trying to take some of my edge off I thought I might gain something out of it on my personal improvement level.
However, she just doesn't make the move to pay. She acts sort of entitled too early for me and on the 4th date I called the waitress and in front of her I only paid for my own drink. She acted annoyed and when I took her back home we barely exchanged a goodnight.
Now, I second-guess myself whether that was too brutal for her and I am wondering whether I can salvage it. I would appreciate your view on this one.
Many thanks
cynical women
Hi chase
I just wanted to ask how to sleep with women who have been hurt by men and have a high partner count and have become cynical about men. When i meet women like this everything goes well until the topic of sex is touched on especially wen i tell them i dont recognise a romantic relationship prior to sex. Getting them in secluded and private spots and escalating is not a problem.They still show interest but they often say they fear being hurt and arent sure of my intentions.
I suspect improving my fundamentals and date compression may be the solution but i wanted to ask you how you usually deal with this situation and sleep with girls who clearly like you but dont trust you there and then. Basically how do you convey that youre a "lover" and not completely scare them off.
As a side note i often find it easier sleeping with girls who have low partner counts. I always find it weird wen guys say its hard deflowering virgins . I find girls with higher partner counts tricky
Re: cynical women
Boyo-
Yep, a lot of that is fundamentals, and date compression can help, especially with girls you've not been 100% smooth with / hit some bumps along the way with.
I would advise not talking about sex prior to sex unless you're using this appropriately (e.g., see "How to Use Sex Talk to Set a Sexual Tone and Mood"), and DEFINITELY not saying you don't recognize a relationship prior to sex... what you're communicating here is in fact, "If you give me sex, I will give you a relationship," so she now views you as either 1.) angling for a relationship, in which case she must slow things down to make sure you don't change your mind by getting her too fast, or 2.) are full of it and trying to trick her into bed (if you say something like this to an inexperienced girl, by contrast, she'll usually just take it at face value - all the more reason to be careful, especially if a relationship after sex is not your intention).
Anyway, if you reach the point where you're escalating to sex and they are resisting, you treat it no different than you would any other kind of resistance to intimacy... these articles should help, though:
Chase
Being in control
Chase,
In regards to frame control and being in control of an interaction. Does showing any lack of control, like being a little nervous or a little anxious, mean its all over with a girl or can you still recover and have a chance ?
I often struggle with this, by no means am I shacking in my boots when talking to a girl, but I do have times when I show anxiety and uncertainty in my body language. Thinking about coming off as nervous or anxious, keeps me from closing things out with girls very often. Should I force myself to do it anyway, and betray that I am pretty nervous, or should I just save face and walk away from the situation till I come down ?
Many Thanks,
Josh
Showing Nervousness
Josh-
Nervousness won't end you 100% of the time with women, know. It will make them more likely to see you as "cute" - not so good for making anything happen fast, but you can still often take girls like this on a series of dates and take them to bed on Date #3 or Date #4.
Especially if they're inexperienced themselves (or very experienced, and prefer inexperienced men), this can be endearing and can make them want you for a relationship - male shame (nervousness) was actually shown to be equally as attractive to adolescent women as male pride was (the most universally attractive male emotion / expression), in one study on these.
If you CAN calm down and come back in with your game face, do it; but if it's "do it nervous, or never do it at all", and there aren't otherwise large potential social repercussions or anything else, there's no reason not to just go do it and find out what happens.
For further reading: "Are You Nervous with Women? Stop Overthinking."
Chase
How do you say to a girl that
How do you say to a girl that your offer expires soon?
Is it a good idea to say the following: "My door stays open for a short duration - take your chance while it is open"
Or another example: "I rarely give a second chance, so it is time to make a decision"
Something like that.
Yeah i know i am putting pressure on her, but this way am i not communicating that i am busy, not always available ?
Or another example just recently i used: "I am available for the next 10 days, after that, i have obligations i must finish - so it is either these 10 days or maybe after New Year" ...
Basically how do you communicate to her, that you are fed up with her playing and either move with me or move on without me type of a situation?
Being Unavailable
Delpa-
No, you'll want to stay away from anything that's too blunt or forward - anything where it's clear you're trying to push her into doing something with you now by flatly stating that "This offer's only good now!" If she feels like you're pushing her to do something, she's almost always going to decline.
Instead, you want it to be HER idea to do something with you... because she knows she doesn't have much of a chance to take action. You can do that by using the recommendations laid out in this article: "Why to Use Scarcity with Girls You Meet."
Chase
Foreign Girls/ Girls that could have been
Hey Chase,
I’ve read that article before on foreign girls and how it’s to your advantage to not learn the language and culture and sort of play the sexy, mysterious foreigner role. With many hispanic girls I’ve dated in the past, I’ve used this (though they were mostly all second generation) and I’d pretend to learn about new words and food and culture etc. from them.
I met a girl who I got this love at first site feel from at the gym (and it’s a phenomenon I think in doing many approaches over the past few years this is the second time I’ve had it happen for me) and she was much like the Asian girlfriend you describe in this article (shy excited, good career, strong personality, but shy and sweet to contrast it) and I’m looking forward to going out with her later in the week.
My question here was that, for a long term relationship, wouldn’t you need to be able to converse very openly with the girl/have her be able to speak English pretty well. This girl from the gym moved here from Mexico about 5 years ago and has the sexiest accent (much to my surprise when I first talked to her because I was so close to home meeting a pretty foreign-type girl). I can understand just being able to flirt and have sex and not say much for a fling or friend with benefit but for a relationship I wonder how it could work if the girl doesn’t speak English as a first language (but curious to see how this all pans out).
Something else that I was wondering about was regarding the other girl that I had this “love at first sight” draw to. It was in high school a few years ago from early 2011 on.
I went out this girl once and we had a good connection but I didn’t move things forward properly and we lost touch eventually.
It sound stupid to me because I’m rational-minded and not emotional about any of this either, but I always sort of pictured that at some point we would cross paths again (whether we dated or did anything or she was same or different or not) because even after we moved on and dated other people there was a very raw attraction between us that never expired.
But I wonder about that like would it be wrong to text “hey I found your number in my old phone how are you” and set up a date and move on from there possibly. She lives in the same town and our colleges are like 10 miles apart; my question here is what’s the problem with texting a great old girl things never started with?
Also right now I’m going out 3-4 times a week meeting and getting together with new girls and I’m in a semi-serious friend with benefit thing with 2 other girls, so I ask not from a place really of missing abundance just from a place of slight curiosity.
-Gem
Re: Foreign Girls/ Girls that could have been
Gem-
The love at first sight one is fun... those are always nice. I wouldn't worry much about dating a girl who doesn't speak much English; she'll learn it fast with you. I had one girlfriend who barely spoke any English when we first got together, but within a few months everybody thought she must've gone to school for it. Plus, it can be fascinating being the one who's a girl's real bridge to a new culture - you both end up having a lot to teach one another.
On the girl from the past, I don't see any harm in that - you seem to be having no trouble with women right now, so now's the perfect time to experiment with different things. You always tend to have those feelings with exes / girls you liked a lot in the past; I still feel like I'm destined to cross paths with this or that girl or ex-girlfriend from my past again at sometime or another. It's totally irrational, but it's there nevertheless. With the "text from out of the blue", I'm more a fan of "I was deleting old numbers, and..." than "I was going through my phone, and..." - deleting old numbers just sounds more interesting, and it's also both scarcity-inducing (you purge your phone of unimportant people) and somewhat inclusive (she made the cut and got to stay in your phone).
Chase
Conflicting Steps
Chase,
You are a genius but that goes without saying. I have a question that many others might be asking but I would appreciate an answer now haha sorry timing is crucial. Okay well im in college and ive been sleeping with this girl an average of once a week for two months. I can tell she was really interested but i took your advise and took things slow, I never took her out and just chilled at night to have sex, and only texted her twice a week. anyways I was ready to be more warm and move things forward to being exclusive cause i figured i really like her and dont want to lose her, but it seemed to happen at the same time as she was being more aloof and flakey, almost as if i took to long to change so she felt unappreciated. she stopped responding to texts, even though a month before she was really warm and i had her. Anyways fearing i was gonna lose her i told her i thought she was special i really like her and want to move things forward it was my fault i wasnt more invested and she said thats not it at all its her fault cause even though she "really likes me" she is still confused about some other guy and wants to take things slow which i think means she wants to stop having sex, we still kissed after our talk and i said its fine if she wants to take things slow and i was cool about it. but i am a hopeless romantic and currently a wreck. how do you give her time off but at the same time get compliance from her and act more warm if I'm supposed to give her a cooling of period with no interaction. btw her friends told me i was really good in bed with her. I just have to get her in bed again and then be more warm i guess but idk how. thank you for your time Chase you are a miracle worker.
Re: Conflicting Steps
Charles-
I can't see any specific issues from your description of the relationship, so the cause might be something beneath your awareness... possibly something in how you treat her or how you are with her in general. Her reaction to you seem to be that she's lost interest in the relationship / doesn't find it exciting enough - she's taking care of your emotions, being extra nice to you, etc. (as opposed to, say, the girl who was crazy about you, but left you in a fury because she'd given you up as untamable, and now hates your guts).
Check out this article, and follow the options laid out for option #2 ("I'm free!") - it's the hardest one to come back from, but if you can correct the things that were the problems the first time around, you may be able to pull it off: "How to Get Your Girlfriend Back."
Chase
Serotonin and Butterflies
Hey Chase, I have to say I really like your articles a lot. I wanted to ask you, have you found that women you meet from Eastern Asian countries tend to be a little more susceptible to the butterfly experience? Studies have found that a version of the Short Version of the Serotonin Transporter Gene is more common in Eastern Asian cultures. This means that these people have higher levels of Serotonin. My understanding of butterflies and serotonin levels is that they are more or less in line with our levels of arousal. Butterflies don't cause us to feel pleasure or pain, but they potentiate those emotions when already pleasant and they allow us to form emotional memories. I guess my other question is are women who are shy and sensitive to the butterfly sensation also more clingy and susceptible to developing addictions/bonds?
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