A look into the way women see love, life, lust, and relationships.
She’s super flirty or grinding you on the dance floor. So you reciprocate... but she quickly loses interest. How in blazes does one take these freaky girls to bed?
Hey, guys. Now that I’m done with my series on hooking, I can finally allow myself to move on to my next project. However, for now, I’ve decided to spend a bit of time responding to some great questions from our readership.
Here is one of those questions, from Lawliet:
When a girl makes a direct statement of interest or sexual flirting, such as:
Her: “I did something sexy today.”
You: “What did you do?”
Her: “I’ll show you.”
Her: *sits on your face*
Or this happens through role play over text – you get the idea.
When they talk like that in person, or over text, what is your way of approaching this?
Jump on her? But what if it’s over text? Invite her out?
That feels a little too reactive.
[And when you decide to react]:
You: *jump on her*
Her: “Hold your horses, sweetheart, and maybe you’ll get some tonight ;)”
Then we’re stuck there, hung out to dry.
Would love to hear some examples from you on girls taking the sexually aggressive role verbally. How do we not kill the tension while keeping the mating dance going? I honestly love this flirting back and forth.
This is a great question because there is a technical element at play here. I know exactly what type of situation Lawliet is talking about, and if you haven’t seen this yourself, let me illustrate with a more extreme and even more frustrating example.
Every girl has baggage. But should you date one with a lot of baggage... And how do you deal with baggage a girlfriend brings into your relationships?
Commenting on my article about starting a relationship with a new girlfriend, a reader named Arik writes:
I’ve been gaming for a while and defintively gotten amazing things from it in all areas of my life. I met a girl that I really like and would like to move foward with her. She has had a bad experience with getting cheated on and feels scared of going through that again.I met her through cold approach. She is scared of me doing this all the time. If she were to find out that I do and flirt with girls boldy like that daily, it will definitively hurt her bad. I dont want stuff like that in my conciense I already talked to her about my intentions with her and pretty much following your points. Nothing official yet but clearly the ‘we can see other people until then’ wont fly well. At the same time, I know that if I stop approaching and doing game, just like with he gym, my gains will be gone and that will drive her away. I’ve seen it so many times happen to others. I am not sure how to handle this, since this is the first girl I want to push things with from game. All this time I’ve been focused on getting good and refusing to settle with girls I met. You talked briefly on ideas of how to handle this, but If you could elaborate further, I would greatly appreciate it .
First, a few notes directly to Arik’s situation. If a girl is adamant that you don’t approach other women, and you assure her you won’t, you’ve made a choice. You could lie and do it anyway... whether you are comfortable with that or want to deal with the fallout from it is a personal decision. That said, you can still flirt with women in your day-to-day life, sans cold approach... that will maintain some degree of abundance (albeit not to the level that taking things farther along with women will).
That said, what we’ll focus on in this article is not the question of Arik’s comment but rather one that occurs to me based on the situation he details. It’s that of ‘women with baggage’ – for example, this girl who’s been cheated on... and fears a repeat. Should you date a girl with baggage... and how do you manage it if you do?
How do you change a girlfriend’s beliefs, and bring them inline with yours? By shifting her personal Overton window – to alter her ideological environment.
Commenting under a prior Tactics Tuesdays article on dismissing ideological fights you want no part of, Kaelos asked:
“How about in a long-term relationship with a woman, where you share similar beliefs/views but there are some mild to moderate differences on topics like feminism, frugality vs spending, child-rearing practices, small differences in religious beliefs, etc.
Is there a strategy to implement so that her beliefs/views more closely match your own well-researched beliefs/views over the long term?”
We’ve talked about behavior modification on Girls Chase plenty.
What about belief modification?
Well, yes. You can absolutely change someone’s beliefs... to an extent.
To do that, first, we’re going to focus on shifting a woman’s own personal Overton window.
Few things can boost a man’s game like having a girlfriend. Women show more interest, and talking to them becomes easier. Ever wonder why this is?
During my previous monogamous relationships, I noticed that my ability to talk to women dramatically increased, as did their attraction. I would also get a lot more approach invitations and even get approached on occasion, mostly because of social circle game – we’ll talk about that later.
I had to ask myself, “Why am I suddenly better with women while I have a girlfriend?”
The answer: “You just are.”
But like you, I wanted more details. What specifically is it about being in a relationship that made me magnetic? Obviously, I was harder to get, and this unattainability stirs female lust. But after looking deeper, I've discovered some more key factors of having a girlfriend that can affect your game for the better.
Here they are.
Women often reference third parties to covertly obtain info about you and what you want. Understanding this clandestine woman-speak can be very useful!
Women are masterful at communication. The ability for women to convey and decipher information is so sophisticated that most men completely miss the point and wind up wondering... “What the hell are these girls talking about?”
Contents4. Addressing the Scapegoat Frame
As men, we’re very direct and straightforward, saying things in ways that usually don’t have subconscious meanings. Women, on the other hand, can be circuitous and sneaky, conveying information in two layers. The first layer of communication is what’s obvious, but as we all know, the real meaning behind what women say is hidden in the next layer.
This layering of communication allows women to acquire information in a multitude of ways that aren’t apparent at first glance.
Women sub-communicate their intentions to get what they want from others. One of the best examples of this is the “scapegoat framing” tactic, which I will share with you today. It’s a means for a woman to acquire information about guys for her own purposes, while simultaneously using it as a form of influence by creating a condition around a mysterious third party.
In the last couple of months, I’ve experienced this frame on two separate occasions. In the first case, with a girl called Tanya, the frame was used to persuade and influence. In the second case, with Sarah, the frame was used to acquire information – the opposite of Tanya.
Want the most enjoyable way to fix a girlfriend’s bad behavior? Do it with sex! However, you must be careful to do this the RIGHT way…
I was too late with yesterday’s Recommended Reading list to make Tactics Tuesdays this week. But we’ll still cover a useful tactic for your relationships regardless.
Today’s tactic focuses on fixing a female partner’s behavioral problem through a mix of calling a problem out both before and during (good, but not great) sex.
This is an ‘intermediate’ level tactic and up. I don’t suggest it for beginners... you need to be fairly dominant already with women to pull it off, and you need fairly solid social calibration/timing. If you’re still building your confidence around women, save this tactic for once you’ve built up more.
You’ll also want to save this for
your more girlfriend-level relationships. Using it with friends with benefits is too
much; while it’s a great technique for behavior-shaping, it also
communicates to the girl that you are really looking out for her, and
this is a bit too much for casual relationships.
The gist of the technique is you will tell a girl to knock off a bad behavior... then begin sex with her... then, when the sex is good (but not before then), you’ll tell her in a dominant-yet-protective way that you want her to cut off the behavior and how it is for her own good.
Before we get to the technique though, we need to talk about one aspect of it.
Women tell you they’re “done with hookups” all the time. But when they say it, do they really mean it?
A few years back, I rode down the elevator from a business conference around 8 o’clock at night. There was a woman in the elevator car with me as I rode down, and I struck up a conversation with her. She was 39; six years my senior at the time. She was married with children, but thin and shapely, and looked good for her age.
In the lobby, she revealed she was leaving the conference. I was on my way out too, and I noticed her linger a bit after she told me. She seemed like she was waiting to see what I’d say. So I told her “Me too. I’ll walk with you,” and we left together.
She was hungry; she hadn’t eaten dinner. We headed to a diner
nearby. There, she ordered food and a drink. I didn’t want to eat and
only ordered a drink. And she told me about her life. The vibe
grew ever more intimate, and ever more charged.
We got the bill; she paid for everything. Then, as we got up to leave,
she said she thought she would just head back to her nearby hotel and
rest. She gestured in the direction of her hotel and told me it was
So, I called it off. I bid her goodnight, and walked a different
way. I’d gone along with her because I don’t spend time with women in
their late 30s, or women who are married with
children, and I was curious how far things would progress. I never had
any intention to sleep
with her though. Just to have a nice conversation.
As things progressed, and the vibe got sexier, I did get a bit tempted... everything just flowed so well. I try not to break my “no girls over 30” rule, though I thought about it here since the girl looked fine and everything flowed so smooth (I’ll set the rule aside for genuinely beautiful post-30s women who don’t look like they’re post-30s... or for attractive-enough women in their 30s who make it sufficiently easy and enticing). However, I also have a rule about not hooking up with married women I know are married, especially if I know they have children, and that is one I don’t break. So I let her go... yet it stood out to me, for one reason:
I thought women her age were supposed to be ‘done with hooking up’ and too mature for all this hookup stuff, I thought.
What is she thinking? Before you try to get inside her head, you must know this principle: taking action trumps reading minds.
We talk about female psychology a good deal on Girls Chase. At the meta level, it’s supremely helpful to know how women tick and what goes on in their heads.
However, today, we’re going to look at the granular level. The “what is this one individual girl thinking?” level. We’ll start with part of a comment by Girls Chase reader SZ:
“I was also hoping you could explain this interaction to me, I try to be a warm person, but people don’t become warm, they’re cold. I was at the gym, This girl I saw was nice to me and asked me how I was, I told her and asked her the same, I looked at her a few times while we worked out nothing too much, just to check her out, then when I was leaving I said bye to her and she had headphones in, but I felt she heard me, I waited there for a response, then she gave me this attitude way of saying bye, like she was too cool for me. It was like a look of “oh please, I’m too cool for you attitude”. It threw me off because I didn’t make it obvious I looked at her a few times, I didn’t try to ask her out, I made sure she didn’t see me look at her here and there. I was cool, so I don’t understand the coyness. I was just being a man and looking at a girl, I don’t know if she saw me check her out, so I don’t know if that was the reason she acted like that.”
So, a girl started off seemingly nice to him. Then ended up
seemingly cool toward him. What happened, and what does it mean? Well...
It could be she was just being polite earlier, and in truth didn’t want to encourage him any more than she needed to.
It could be she started off her workout in a sociable mood, but by the end of it she was focused on music and exercise and ‘tuned out’ socially, so just seemed cold.
Maybe it’s none of these, and it’s something else entirely.
The thing is, with an individual woman, in an individual situation, you will not know what she is thinking.
You may have guesses. And sometimes your guesses will be correct. Sometimes they’ll be wholly, completely, laughably wrong, though.
Which brings us to our primary point today: it doesn’t matter what she’s thinking right there, this very moment. Stop worrying about what she’s thinking. Get focused on results, and stop chasing after rabbits.
Some guys just don’t ‘count’ for women. They can hook up with them, date them… and yet, the guys still don’t count. Why do women do this, and how can you be a ‘doesn’t count’ guy yourself?
There was a thing I set out to do early on in my journey into
seduction. I couldn’t then have put it into words.
But I knew what it looked like. I wished:
To be a guy women pined for, instead of the one doing the pining
To be able to walk into a room and seduce the woman I wanted
Women to expect nothing from me yet desire me just the same
Women to be genuinely surprised if I chose to keep them as girlfriends
To be a man the normal rules of dating did not apply to
There are different ways to name this. One might be to say I wanted all the power in the male-female courtship dynamic. The power to choose, seduce, and decide. And sure, you could say that was true. But that’s true of most people. Most people – men and women alike – look for ways to increase their power in the courtship dance. They want to be more liked, more loved, more adored; to better be able to pick and choose the mates they want, and captures those mates’ hearts and minds.
Another way to name what I wanted, though, was to be a guy who ‘didn’t count’.
The phrase ‘doesn’t count’ can apply to lots of things. However, the way women usually use it when talking about men they’ve had romantic involvements with is to describe men they want to erase from their histories: “He didn’t count.” “That guy didn’t count.” “Oh, Jim? He doesn’t count.”
That was the guy I wanted to be.
The one who ‘didn’t count’.