Female Mind | Girls Chase

Female Mind

A look into the way women see love, life, lust, and relationships.

Women Can Get Bored with Monogamy, Jealous with Non-Monogamy

monogamy and non-monogamy problems
Monogamy and non-monogamy each face their own unique challenges. Women in monogamous relationships can grow bored; women in non-monogamous ones, jealous.

There are many different kinds of relationships available to the romantically gifted man. There’s classical monogamy, of course. There are friends with benefits relationships and fuckbuddies. Open long-term relationships (polyamory). There’s one-sided monogamy. Even pimp-ho and master-slave relationships, if you really want to explore the dark side (which we won’t do here).

All these, more or less, fall into one of two categories: open (in which the partners may see other people) and exclusive (in which the partners don’t – or at least aren’t supposed to – see other people. Sometimes people are naughty though). Today’s article explores the two primary challenges each style of relationship faces: the biggest challenges to the health of exclusive and non-exclusive romantic relationships.

I recently kicked off a series (the “How to Build a Harem” series) to convey what I’ve learned about non-monogamous relationships and steer guys who are interested in such relationships in the right direction. I realized that before I can delve into non-monogamy, I need to showcase it as a comparison to the conventional model we all know about. I want to highlight the distinctions between challenges in both systems (if you’re in either one, you might see these in action in just a matter of months, but really they are inevitable).

No system is better than another. There are advantages and disadvantages to all flavors of relationship, but the challenges differ vastly by system. I’ll lay these out to help you figure out which system is right for you while also creating the best outcome for yourself long term.

Does She Know What She Wants? Many Female Desires Are Unconscious

know what she wants
What women say they want and what they actually choose often doesn’t line up. Why is so much of what women really want unconscious?

One of the most challenging aspects of psychological science is how often people say they want one thing, only to choose something else.

I saw this routinely back in my tire salesman days. A customer would come in and say he wanted the cheapest set of tires we had. I’d ask him about what he wanted his driving experience to be like; I’d discover he wanted great road traction and a comfortable ride; and he’d proceed to purchase a premium set of tires with excellent traction and ride comfort instead.

This “what you say you want vs. what you actually want” issue manifests in all sorts of ways in psychological science, too. Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel’s 2008 speed dating study “Do people know what they initially desire in a romantic partner?” found no matter how strong someone insisted a preference was (e.g., “I will only date a girl if she is beautiful” “I won’t date a guy unless he makes a lot of money”), that person was no more likely to pick someone who matched the preference in a live event than average.

In his chapter in The Adapted Mind: Evolutionary Psychology and the Generation of Culture, on how women evaluate mate prospects, Bruce J. Ellis unfurls a host of items on how women select their mates. One of the most important things Ellis talks about, though, is some of the paradoxes in mate selection. For instance, much research finds women are drawn to men who are socially dominant: men who dominate their social environments. These men tend to be cooler, more aloof, and more detached. Yet a lot of other research finds women are drawn to men who are warm, personal, and caring. How do those two connect?

We’ll talk about Ellis’s solutions to the warmth-dominance paradox below. But first we need to pose a question: do people actually know what they want?

How to Erase Your Jealousy (Without Turning Into a Pushover)

get rid of jealousy
Jealousy is a green-eyed monster. But to overcome it, you must adjust both your focus, and steer your partner’s worst behavior.

Sometimes you’ve got a girlfriend who’s a bit of a flirt and keeps guys around her on a hook. Sometimes you’ve got a girlfriend who’s a little oblivious (or at least, presents herself that way)... and keeps men around whose intentions with her are more than platonic, yet she acts like she doesn’t see it. Sometimes she doesn’t do any of that, but you’re nervous anyway. Maybe a girl’s burned you in the past, or you’re just a little short on trust in general. Regardless the reason, you know jealousy’s an issue for you... and it’s time to rein it in a bit.

This article is not about how to prevent cheating. If you need that, read my article on it: “How to Prevent Cheating by Your Girlfriend.” Nor is this article about how to screen for girls less likely to cause problems or cheat; for that, check out the list of resources in this article: “Her Raw Material or Your Relationship Skills: Which Matters More?

Instead, this article is a reframe of normal male jealousy. For this article, we’ll assume you’re in a fairly healthy, fairly safe relationship where cheating is not that big of a real issue. If infidelity is a big issue, of course, you shouldn’t read an article on how to get rid of jealousy. You should, rather, probably read about how to get rid of a troublesome partner and replace her with someone less heartache-inducing.

We’re going to walk a bit of a fine line here. Because the goal is not to totally and completely erase jealousy altogether. Think of jealousy as a warning sign. It’s your canary in the coalmine. If the canary flips out and starts to chirp and squawk every time somebody comes down the mine elevator, it’s obviously not doing its job so well. But you don’t want to completely take the canary out of the mine either; otherwise you’ll receive no warning when the roof is about to collapse.

So, in this article, we will seek to get jealousy focused on only the right signals – and train it to ignore that which is not as much of a threat (or at least, that which is less of a threat).

Why Women Love Older Men, Parts 1 and 2 (Video)

Women LOVE older men. Always have, always will. Obviously it’s not NECESSARY for you to be older than her, but it helps. And once you’re in your 30s and 40s, why NOT date women as young as 18?

In these videos, I dive into WHY women love older men and what traits you will need at a certain age to take advantage of this natural attraction.

Tactics Tuesdays: When She Tells You "I'm Just Not Feeling It"

just not feeling it
Sometimes despite your best efforts, a girl will tell you “the spark isn’t there” or that she “just isn’t feeling it.” When this happens, you have 3 options on how to proceed.

I recently responded to a comment from a reader named Jason about an issue he ran into, where a girl he had a good thing going with (they’d progressed fairly far into intimacy, though hadn’t had penetrative sex yet) told him, about their kisses, that she “didn’t feel a spark.”

There’s a certain category of rejection girls can hit you with, where they object to the potential between you and them. Usually this takes the form of a girl telling you it just doesn’t ‘feel’ right, in this way or that. Examples:

  • “I just don’t feel any chemistry”
  • “The spark just isn’t there”
  • “I don’t know, I’m just not feeling it”
  • “I just don’t feel into it, I don’t know why”

The most maddening thing about this is its vagueness. Vague problems are hard problems to right.

So what do you do? Pack your things and go? Give chase and try to convince her she’s all wrong, and there was a spark? Obviously, neither of those is ideal.

There are a few superior options you can use to deal with objections like this. Those better options are the subject of this post.

How and Why Women Try to Domesticate Their Men

relationship domestication
Once you’re in a relationship, the domestication process begins. Why do women do this – and how do you not become totally broken and domestic?

The difference between a serious long-term relationship and a short-term relationship, from the girl’s point of view, is complex in many ways.

She expects more investment from you, emotionally and logistically. You will have to spend more time with her than you would if she was a simple hookup. You will also have to do more than simply shag her then kick her out. You will meet her friends, her parents, and go with her to events and on dates. How much you should do this is up to the precedent you want to set and how often you WANT to see her. If you LIKE doing those things, then do them.

The emotional side of things is a bit more complicated. How much emotion you should show depends on the girl. The harder she is emotionally, that much harder you should be (i.e., the less emotional you should be with her). She should be the one most in love, the most lovey-dovey, and the most cuddly. This is not up to debate. However, if you show no emotion, you can cause her to become too insecure and cause a lot of drama so that you end up proving your love in a small burst (an emotional down payment into the “I won’t suddenly leave you” fund), or she’ll seek that emotional fulfillment elsewhere, in another man (and this might turn into sexual fulfillment, too).

She also expects some level of commitment. Sexual faithfulness is far less important to women than emotional faithfulness. A hookup or having some low-key side chicks doesn’t bother women too much, so long as they know they are your queen. Obviously don’t rub this in her face if you choose to have side chicks. Be discreet and low-key.

All of this, when viewed from the complete freedom of singledom, cannot be described any other way than domestication.

Calibration Series Pt. 3: Calibrate Your Timing

pickup timing
Timing is a crucial element of successful pickups. If your timing is off, you’ll often completely blow it with girls. But get timing right, and that girl you want is yours…

Hey, guys! Welcome back to my series on calibration.

If you haven’t caught Part 1 and Part 2, definitely check them out.

Why this series on calibration? Because calibration is so damn key to your success with women. That’s why. It’s one of the most important aspects that set apart intermediate and advanced players. Better calibration gets you more girls (and hotter girls) more consistently. That’s reason enough.

Anyway, today we will discuss timing, a subfield of calibration that is rarely discussed on seduction blogs and forums, yet every time guys (usually intermediate or advanced seducers) discuss their nights out, they always seem to bring up timing (“My timing was off!”) as the most common reason for failure. And “My timing was on point!” is usually among the most common reasons for success.

Again, just like any other subject related to calibration, field experience (successes and failures) is what makes one a master. But you know this already. This post will just speed up your progress to mastery.

The 3 Types of Attainability Problems That Lose You Girls (Video)

When it comes to dating and seduction, most guys understand value. Be as valuable as you can. Become smooth, cool, learn game, get cool clothes, a nice haircut, and get in shape. But what most guys miss is that attainability loses you a lot more girls than you think.

In this video, I go over the three types of attainability problems that lose you girls, how to recognize them, and how to fix them.

11 Mistakes that Ruin First Dates (and How NOT to Make Them)

first date mistakesI’ve been on innumerable first dates over the years. And I’ve coached all sorts of students through limitless more dates. And if there’s one thing you find out, it’s that the first date is absolutely, inescapably crucial to how things play out the rest of the courtship.

The first date is a make-or-break event. Hit a homer on the date, and the rest is pretty magical.

A great first date makes your date partner comply more with you (she does what you ask of her). It causes her to cut you more slack (i.e., she’ll let you get away with more). And it piques her interest in you (now she wants where things go with her and you!).

But there’s plenty of opportunity to botch the first date, too. And a lot of folks do, a lot of the time. There’s all this uncertainty: you don’t know your date well yet (certainly not as well as you’ll know her later on... if all goes well). You don’t know what she likes, what she’ll respond to... what ‘does it’ for her. You might think you do – but you don’t. Not yet.

Even if you’ve known her a while, well... people have their ‘social selves’, which is what they present to their friends and acquaintances. Getting her on a date is about getting past this social self (and finding out whom she really is).

On top of it all, you may not be all that sure what to do with your date, what to discuss, or where to take her. So in addition to all the question marks of your date herself, there is also the question mark of the date.

And the more question marks there are, the rougher things get.

In this article we’ll look at 11 of the most fatal mistakes you can make on first dates.

But don’t worry – we’ll also talk about how to avoid those mistakes, to make your first dates go as smooth as butter (and make your date melt like butter while she’s out with you, too).