Polyamory, Pt.4: Case Studies of Unsuccessful Attempts

All relationships come with obstacles. Inexperience, jealousy, and societal pressure – just to name a few – can make polyamory particularly challenging.

Last time, I gave you some examples of my successful attempts at building polyamorous relationships. As anyone who succeeds at anything knows, however, the failures strewn along the path toward success vastly outnumber the cases in which you see favorable outcomes. It's like what they say about pregnancy – everyone congratulates you if you get pregnant, but nobody knows how many times you got screwed. Though I hate how sex-negative that saying is, it still makes for a funny way to demonstrate the point effectively.

I can't possibly document all the failures I've had. Mostly, when things didn't work out, the women involved had explicitly stated that they couldn't imagine being in a polyamorous relationship and expressed significant resistance to the idea of it. Sure, there were times I tried to make things work anyway, but they pretty much never turned into healthy relationships. In such cases, it's best to simply move on or just keep it casual. I'll leave most of those cases out and focus on a select few.

 

The Ex

I was in an exclusive relationship with a girl for almost four years. She was the last person I dated monogamously, and our relationship ended just a few years ago. If I dated her monogamously, then why am I bringing her up? It's because we tried to open our already-established relationship, which is a very common thing that couples try.

I learned the hard way that trying to transition from an established mono-couple to non-monogamy is much more difficult than starting off as non-monogamous from the get-go.

In other words, if you're single, don't think of entering a traditional relationship as a stepping stone toward polyamory or any other form of non-monogamy. You'll be tempted by the prospect that it's easier to get a girlfriend if you're mono, but don't settle for that if having a polyamorous relationship is your goal. It’s a much better idea to start off filtering out people who aren't on the same page as you.

Anyway, things got messy. We didn't have the tools or knowledge to deal with what we were jumping into. I saw an uglier side of myself than I had ever seen before. I got jealous and she'd become an emotional wreck every time I spent the night with someone else. We failed to communicate clearly, establish specific expectations, and process our emotions maturely. Worst of all, we failed to respect each other. We eventually broke up for other reasons, but our unsuccessful experiment of trying to open the relationship up certainly didn't help.

This isn't to say that opening an already-established relationship is impossible, but many of these cases end in disaster because of the more traditional expectations that one or both members of the pair have held onto for a long time. I've seen too many cases where couples try to open their relationship up in the hope that it will fix their relationship. This never turns out well.

If you're currently in a mono-relationship and you're thinking about opening it up, be sure that both you and your partner:

• Communicate everything you feel

• Both want the same thing

• Aren't doing this to try and fix a problem

• Don't fit the description of "conservative" as I detailed in my second article about polyamory here on Girls Chase

• Do fit the qualities I listed in the "Screening for Treasure" section of that very same article

• Talk to other couples who have successfully opened their relationship up

 

The Virgin

This was one of the not-very-few times I broke my personal rule of not sleeping with virgins. I have no excuse. I am ashamed.

Soon after my relationship with The Ex ended, I met this girl through one of the plethora of dating apps available today. Since I was fresh out of a relationship, I didn't want to jump straight into another one, so I wanted to keep things casual.

Before sleeping with her, she told me she was a virgin, but I was so attracted to her that I wanted to keep meeting her anyway. Our connection was very real, and the prospect of seducing her was so tempting that I couldn't help but become a slave to my feelings for her. I had to have her – but I was unprepared.

At this point, I barely knew anything about polyamory. All I knew was that I didn't want exclusivity, while still wanting something meaningful. This meant I didn't set the most optimal frames. I couldn’t manage expectations in a way that explained non-monogamy in a very effective manner. I hadn’t read books such as The Ethical Slut, Opening Up, or More Than Two. Check those books out, by the way.

We eased into sex in a respectable way. Then we fell in love with each other, but our views on love vastly differed. My greatest failure, in this case, was a lack of knowledge, and I ended up breaking the poor girl's heart, especially since I was moving out of the country in a matter of months.

In general, virgins are especially susceptible to love and heartbreak, so caution must be the watchword when turning the key.

As a young woman, inexperienced in the ways of love, she naturally had a lot of expectations about dating and relationships, shaped by society's pervasive, mono-normative messages of true love and romance.

 

The Pharmacist

This was one of the many friends-with-benefits relationships I've had that I couldn’t successfully foster into something greater.

The Pharmacist and I started seeing each other casually and we ended up being friends with benefits. As most FWB situations go, we started getting closer and more intimate with each other. This was during a time when I still didn't know all that much about polyamory, so once again, I didn't manage expectations very well. I was going through the motions of making an FWB relationship, which I had practiced time and time again, without much consideration for our future.

What I learned about love and intimacy over the years did prepare me for something important – letting myself be vulnerable, opening myself up, and keeping no secrets, especially regarding my feelings. I was prepared to do that, but she was not. As our feelings for each other grew, so did her desire for an exclusive relationship with me, but she still didn't want to really open up to me. I felt that was putting the cart before the horse, and I didn't want any sort of exclusivity in the first place.

We were so unable to be on the same page that she suddenly blocked my number one day, seemingly out of the blue. Though I will always have love for her, I doubt we could ever be on the same page.

 

The Talker

This was one of the very few times I broke my personal rule of not sleeping with co-workers. I have no excuse. I am ashamed.

She was a new employee and we were hanging out after work one day. Unlike The Pharmacist, The Talker opened up a lot, from the very first time we hung out... perhaps too much. She had a variety of mental illnesses and she was on medication, for which I expressed a lot of compassion and support, having had issues with depression my whole life. That sort of intense, mutual vulnerability, combined with the high physical attraction I already had for her, resulted in a quick, reckless hookup, where neither of us seemed to be thinking too clearly.

Although I had expressed early on that I had absolutely no interest in exclusivity, it seemed like she had no room in her mind to listen to or consider other people's perspectives. She would constantly explain herself and her own perspective, reiterating her desire for monogamy again and again, without taking my perspective into account. She gave me little-to-no room to say much.

Some people are like this because they're just awful people, but it wasn't her fault. The Talker was like this because she couldn't help it. Her mind was always racing with thoughts and worries. Fortunately, we were able to end things amicably, free of drama.

 

The Narcissist

This was not one of those times where I broke my personal rule of not sleeping with co-workers – because I waited until she quit before making a move!

Every time I saw her walking away, I would feel an inspiration akin to an artist witnessing a miracle of nature… her ass was fine as hell. Getting her number and texting her was playing with fire since we were co-workers, but I kept things friendly, not really flirting – until the day she told me she was quitting. It was then I told her straight up that we could not be friends. "Why not?" she asked. "Because I would be hitting on you too much," I replied. After she responded positively to that, we decided to have a drink together and sparks were flying.

We slept together, even though she had a boyfriend (I wasn't always the most ethical of PUAs, but I try harder these days), so I thought there was potential for her to not want exclusivity. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

After the deed was done, she made it abundantly clear that she was sleeping with me to try and make me her new monogamous boyfriend and that she would leave her current boyfriend for me. She was proudly saying that every guy she had ever slept with eventually became her boyfriend and was confidently predicting that I would eventually follow suit.

She said, in no uncertain terms, that she thought she was the hottest and smartest girl I was sleeping with and spoke very condescendingly of my other sexual partners, who she’d never met. She was indeed a very beautiful girl in many ways, but she showed many red flags, indicating that she was a full-blown narcissist. She was territorial, and in hindsight, very unfit for polyamory.

The push-pull was strong in this one, which disoriented me and made my head spin while keeping me on the edge of my seat. While she was acting tough and conceited outside the bedroom, inside the bedroom, she turned into the sweetest, most submissive romantic ever. It was an intoxicating combination. If I had met her when I was younger and dumber, I'm sure I would have ended up in a very toxic relationship with her. Fortunately, I wasn't that naive anymore.

A narcissistic and territorial nature tends to preclude any healthy relationship. In polyamory, muy no bueno!

As a side note, if you're trying to practice any form of ethical non-monogamy such as polyamory, sleeping with girls who are in supposedly monogamous relationships is not the way to go about it.

 

The Adventurer

The Adventurer and I made a very strong emotional connection over the course of a few dates, having slept together on the first. I was very open with her from the get-go, telling her that I was a "pickup artist" who taught men how to attract women. On the first date, she was curious about how I treated girls and the various places I would take them on a date.

I didn't plan out this first date too well. "This is when I would usually take a girl to a bar such as this, but this bar isn't very good," I said, as I rushed to calculate where else to take her instead.

"What would you do after this step then?"

"That's usually when I would suggest we go to a motel together."

"Let's just go there then," she suggested, very matter-of-factly. She was a unique woman who knew what she wanted and always went for it, unapologetically.

Her openness, sense of adventure, and willingness to be vulnerable inspired me to wear my heart on my sleeve, just as I had in the old days before I knew of any real heartbreak. After just a couple dates, she said those three dangerous words: "I love you."

But they weren't dangerous at all. She had no intention of staying with me since she was mono, I was poly, and neither of us would budge, but she chose to let herself feel and express love. Though we loved each other deeply and sincerely in that moment, we both knew it was only for that night. People have casual, non-committal sex all the time, after all – why not non-committal love?

It was at that moment I realized I never had to fear my own feelings of love ever again. When you tell someone "I love you," all you're really saying is "I love you." We're still friends, but because of how strongly polyamorous I am and how strongly monogamous she is, that's all we'll ever be.

 

The Muse

After I started exploring polyamory with HBSquirtle (see Part 3) and arming myself with the necessary knowledge to build healthy polyamorous relationships, things started getting better. However, I still had some old habits left over from my pickup artist days, basically chasing whatever hot tail I was physically attracted to, without much consideration for long-term compatibility.

I pretty much thought I could do the same thing I've always done, with the addition of letting myself fall in love easier, but it's not that simple. These misconceptions eventually bit me in the ass after I started dating The Muse.

In Greek mythology, a muse inspires artists and musicians to produce their works. This girl made me go through a roller coaster of emotions that inspired me to write a song, the first I had written in years. The song wasn’t great, but my love for her was legit. I just couldn't quit, even though we didn't fit, I admit.

We started casually sleeping with each other, but just as things went with The Pharmacist, we grew to like each other more and more. The more she liked me, the more pressure she felt from society and the expectations of her social circle to conform to mono-normative standards.

Though there was at least a little potential for her to be okay with a polyamorous arrangement, in the end, she cared too much about her image in the eyes of conservative society. She got along with HBSquirtle well, but she didn't see love as infinite like I did. We were very sexually compatible and provided each other immense physical pleasure, but she had significant sexual hang-ups. She seemed open-minded and even had some tattoos, but the people in her social circles made her a willing prisoner of patriarchy.

For some, leaving their place in line is just too difficult a prospect.

One day, her sister caught me and HBSquirtle holding hands on a date. She called up The Muse to report what she saw. The Muse said she was okay with this and already knew about my involvement with HBSquirtle, but her sister insisted that she should not be okay with it. Things started going downhill from there. We fought a lot and eventually ended things.

I was heartbroken. Fortunately, I had the loving support of HBSquirtle to help me through it. It took me a relatively long time to fully get over The Muse, but it surely would have taken much longer if I didn't lead a polyamorous lifestyle. The support system I've established proved to be invaluable, and I'm confident that I can get through any hardship thanks to my partners.

 

The Dancer

The lessons I learned from The Dancer are quite the opposite of the lessons I talk about in my Tao of Seduction article. I let myself, once again, become a slave to the attraction I felt, just as any seducer worth his mettle would.

The Dancer did the same. We both allowed our passion to override what we knew to be wrong. She wanted nothing to do with polyamory, but we could barely resist each other's lips. We both agreed that we would try to just be friends, but we ended up in bed every time we tried to hang out platonically. She ended up heartbroken and full of resentment. To this day, she avoids me like the plague.

When it comes to building a healthy polyamorous lifestyle, you can't just be a seducer. You need an even greater degree of self-mastery. If a woman is at all insistent on not being okay with polyamory, the seduction is not worth pursuing past anything casual. At this point, you must not submit to your passions. You must redirect or sublimate them elsewhere.

Fortunately, that isn't so hard to do when you have existing relationships with other people. That feeling you get in the "honeymoon phase" that you have with a new love interest is called New Relationship Energy (or NRE) in the polyamorous community. NRE can be redirected toward existing relationships to revitalize them. More on that in a future article.

 

The Newbie

I started talking to this very attractive girl who identified as polyamorous because she had feelings for both her boyfriend someone else. She read up on polyamory and the concepts resonated with her. This was all in secret during the early stages of her monogamous relationship. By this point, I had learned my lesson, so I was careful not to push things with her until the situation could be ethically non-monogamous. I encouraged her to "come out" to her boyfriend.

Her boyfriend ended up not being cool with polyamory, but she wasn't willing to let him go. Nothing has happened between us at the time of writing. Even polyamorous women might find themselves in certain situations that won't allow for them to fully realize their desired lifestyles. Her situation may change in the future, but until then, it'd be best if I benched myself for this round.

 

The Poly Meetup Guy

This unsuccessful case is not my own, but it is worth mentioning to remind you guys of the basics of seduction.

HBSquirtle and I went to some poly meetups, where we often saw this guy. Eventually, he confessed to both of us that he had feelings for my partner, which I was cool with overall because he seemed like a sincere, thoughtful, and respectful dude. The three of us joined these meetups around the same time and he was not used to meeting women who identified as polyamorous, so he was excited about the idea of dating HBSquirtle.

The thing is, he was too excited. With my blessing, she agreed to go on a date with him, but he was trying to move things too fast. He demonstrated neediness and desperation. He’d had a hard time being involved with women who were not polyamorous, so he had a scarcity mentality. If he were more relaxed, with an abundance mentality, things may have gone better for him, but HBSquirtle was turned off. Fortunately, they're friends now and the group dynamic in the meetup was not affected in a negative way for us.

On one hand, I'm glad things turned out okay in the end and that I don't have to focus my limited energies on needing to maintain a good social dynamic in the meetup, which I may have had to do if this guy and my partner had started dating.

On the other hand, it's also a shame that he failed to become my "metamour" (which means "your committed partner's committed partner" in the polyamorous community) because he really was a kind man who would have treated HBSquirtle – and our relationship – with respect.

 

What Is Love?

You may have noticed that I fell in love with many of the women I mentioned here, but what is love? No one has one definitive answer to that question, because there is no singular definition for it.

All the times I have felt love for a woman were of a different flavor or color, but not necessarily of a different amount. I can't quantify it and say that I love one person more than another – that would be a very mono-normative mindset. As a polyamorous person, I view love as an infinite energy, and just as each human life has infinite value in a unique way, so does the love I have for these women.

But don't get the wrong idea. I don't love all these women the same way; my love for each of them is as different as the people they are. The way polyamorous and monogamous people think of love tends to differ quite a bit.

Many people, especially monogamous people, think that jealousy is an inherent part of love, but that doesn't have to be the case in polyamory. Tune in next time for a more in-depth look into jealousy, metamours, NRE, and more!

Michael