In your lifetime you will have many experiences. Some will be frustrating. Some will be triumphant. Some will be painful. Some will be easily forgotten.
But there are some experiences that everyone remembers. For many people in the West, for example, one of those experiences is their first car. Whenever you asked someone in the West about their first car they get this very wondrous and nostalgic look in their eyes. And you can tell that a wonderful story is about to unfold.
But for all people, one experience that people will never forget no matter what is the time they lost their virginity. Regardless if it was awkward, lackluster, or incredible, this experience will always leave an indelible mark on the storyline of every person’s life. And it will always be something they can readily account without a moment’s hesitation.
But what if you haven’t had this experience yet? What if you’ve been
wondering what it would be like to cross this threshold, this rite of
passage, and feel for yourself what all people have engaged in for ages
past? What if you don’t know how to
have sex?
The thought probably makes you feel excited. It probably makes you feel nervous. And it probably fills you with the pressure of feeling like you have to do it at the right time, in the right place, and with the right person.
So how do you know when the time is right for you? And when you do decide, how do you go about actually doing it? That’s the topic I’ll be covering today. I’m going to talk about what factors should influence your decision to have sex the first time and how to go about having sex when you’re new and a bit unsure.
The uncertainty can definitely be a little nerve-racking, but just know that you’re not alone in feeling that way.
It’s Always a Little (at Least) Awkward:
I still remember my first time like it was just yesterday. I was a teenager, and I had been dating a girl from a different high school for a few months. It was a very volatile relationship; the highs were very high and the lows were quite low. We’d been on a break for a while, but had decided to come back together and talk things out. And after a few weeks of highs, we decided that we should take the leap. I told her that, even if we were going to have sex, it would not mean that we would get back to being in an official relationship (which is an important detail).
But the night came, and we decided to do it in my little shoebox apartment. My parents were home, but she didn’t seem to mind. I also shared a tiny room with my two brothers, who were both gone for the night. So we hopped into my bunk bed and started kissing and doing other things as we normally did.
And then the moment of truth came. I grabbed one of my brother’s condoms from a bookshelf and awkwardly strapped it on. Then, a moment later, I climbed on top of her and inserted myself. Or at least I tried. I kept slipping out and not being able to put it in. After about six or seven awkward tries, I finally got it in. It was tight. Very tight.
But everything seemed to be going well, as far as I could tell, and both of us were feeling pretty good. And then… my brother walked in. Did I mention that the bedroom door didn’t have a lock? Not only did he come in, but after seeing what was happening he proceeded to rummage through the bookshelf looking for his watch or whatever he had left behind.
And then he found the watch. But did he leave after that point? Absolutely not. Upon noticing that his condom was missing, he turned around in the barely lit room and then began lecturing me about using his condom without his permission. It was unbelievable. And then he made his haughty exit.
It May be Slightly Painful for Her
A million thoughts were racing through my mind after this exchange, but she barely seemed to notice. I am sure she did on a level, but her mind and body were probably preoccupied with the million other thoughts and sensations that were happening at the moment.
And then we carried on as if nothing had happened. She began telling me that it felt good, but that it was also kind of painful for her – “but in a good way,” she added. As an aside: that feeling is completely normal. She said that she would be fine, so we kept going.
And after a few more minutes of wonderfully mundane missionary, we finished together. She actually squirted on me. It caught me by surprise. She was embarrassed. I told her not to worry about it. I didn’t really care all that much.
There Will be Blood
After we had cuddled together for about 20 minutes, we began to collect our clothes and part ways following our initial union. We finished getting dressed, she picked up her purse, and then I flipped the light on as I went to open the door. And when I glanced back at the bed, I saw a sea of bloodstains on my white sheets.
“Is that my makeup?” she said.
“Yeah… that doesn’t look like makeup to me,” I said in a doubtful tone.
And then it dawned on her what it was.
“Oh my god… I’m really sorry!” she yelled. As if she hadn’t already experienced enough embarrassment that night.
“Hah, don’t worry about it – it happens.”
I grabbed the sheets and rolled them up into a big ball and threw them in my hamper (I later had to explain it away to my mom, who humored me and pretended to believe whatever dumb excuse I gave her).
It Will Forge a Strong Connection
As I walked her out to her car, she and I looked at each other, and we knew that our relationship would never be the same. We knew that we would never be the same. I knew that I had just gone through a very important rite of passage in my life. And I couldn’t wait to do it again.
And thus goes the story of my first time.
Assuming you choose to lose your virginity with the right person, it will inevitably form a strong connection between you – especially if you’re both virgins. This girl and I, despite the fact we lived much different lives, even today actually, still have that unspoken bond. And I think that feeling is especially strong for the girl because of the large amount of oxytocin released during sex.
Things May Change Quickly
Another important thing to know when learning how to have sex is that sex forces people to think and do both terrible and wonderful things. A few days after this first experience we did in fact do it again. This time, there was less blood (none, in fact), less pain on her part, and a lot more pleasure. We started experimenting, and thus began a long journey of sexual experiences with women for Colt Williams.
And then she tried to use sex as a bargaining chip for why we should get back into a relationship. But I held firm that I wanted more time since our relationship had been so consistently unstable historically. And then… I walked in on her cheating on me a couple days later. But that’s a story for another day.
So yes… sex can be a dangerous gambit. For some people it will help them bond, for others it will only help drive them apart.
How to Choose the Right Person
Sometimes it can be hard to know if the person you’re with (or have the opportunity to have sex with) is the right person to share this first very vulnerable moment with.
So here are some things to keep in mind as you decide:
#1: Make Sure You’re Ready (and aren’t being pressured into it)
The first thing you need to do in order to ensure a positive sexual experience is to make sure that you yourself are ready to have sex. Of course, I don’t think anyone can ever say that they are 100% ready, but you should feel like you are willing to explore the option because you want to. You shouldn’t have sex because your girlfriend/boyfriend wants you to. Or because your friends are doing it. Or because you think everyone else is in on it and you’re not.
You should do it because of you. And usually a good indicator of whether the person you are considering doing it with is the right person is if they don’t pressure you to have sex with them. They should support your decision.
#2: It’s Better If It’s Someone You Care About
Sometimes people just have sex because they are attracted to one another because they just wonder what the experience would be like. This isn’t necessarily bad, but you only get one first time. And sometimes it does leave something to be desired or a little bit of a disappointed feeling when you cross that threshold with someone you don’t actually care about.
That’s not to say that the person you have sex with should be someone you plan on spending the rest of your life with, but it should be someone who you legitimately enjoy spending time with and want to invest yourself in.
#3: Make Sure It’s Someone You Trust
Along with making that investment, this person should also be a person you trust. Sex – especially for women – is an ultimate act of vulnerability and surrender. So if you have sex for the first time with someone you don’t trust or someone who you think will judge you or treat you poorly after the fact, then you probably shouldn’t be having sex with that person to begin with.
From everything to insecurities about your body, mixed emotions about the experience itself, the inherent awkwardness involved, your sexual performance, and the one million other things to think about, the last thing that you should be worrying about is your confidence in your partner. So do make sure that the person you’re staring at when you do it for the first time is someone who won’t judge you.
Choose a Good Location
It’s not likely that you have a palace in which to do it for the first time, but you should choose a location that has a few elements:
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Some level of comfort. Not only is it useful to have sex in a place that’s literally comfortable, but also the place should be emotionally comfortable too. It can be strange to have sex in just some random place when it’s your first time. So going to a place that means something to you – which can be a room, a beach, a park, or wherever – will definitely make it easier to fully immerse yourself in the experience.
In terms of the physical act, a bed is usually the ideal place (despite what you may think, a car is usually a bad place for sex in general, not to mention your first time). If you do it in a place that’s warm, that’ll also make the experience much nicer. Some good music won’t hurt either.
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Privacy. I learned the importance of this one the hard way, but you don’t have to. I know it can be difficult when you’re on the younger end of things and still live at home to find a place that’s completely private. And I completely sympathize with that fact. But try to choose the most private place you possibly can so you’ll avoid being interrupted or walked in on.
Use Protection
You would think this would go without saying, but it really doesn’t. You should be using protection for your first time. Yes, it can be awkward to go and acquire condoms. Yes, it can be awkward to stop in the middle of things and put one on. But you don’t want any sexually transmitted diseases (especially if only one of you is a virgin) and you definitely don’t want any babies.
And we all know how easy it is to just start having sex when you’re in the heat of the moment – especially if you’re on the younger end of the spectrum. But it’s especially important to mind the necessity of safety and health and to use protection when you’re doing it for your first time.
It Might Take a While to Happen
Just because one part of the male body is designed to fit into one part of the female body it does not mean that it always happens seamlessly. In fact, it is just the opposite, especially for the first time. Things can be tight, and things can be hard to fit in.
So don’t be discouraged if you have everything ready to go yet the two of you just cannot make it happen. Sometimes it does take a little while, and sometimes it requires a man to be a bit more forceful then he first anticipated. This is completely normal, so do expect that there will be some bumps in the road.
Do Not be Disappointed If It is Short
There is definitely a lot of hype out there about sex. What with the movies/TV, the media, and pornography, it can be really easy to build unrealistic expectations in your head about the experience.
When we’re talking how to have sex in real life though, the fact of the matter is that it probably will not last all that long. In many cases it will be just a few minutes – and sometimes even shorter. So do not be too disappointed if the duration seems anticlimactic. That is definitely normal (it’s also normal for it to go on for quite a while and neither of you climaxes – another common anticlimactic start to your life’s sexual escapades). It is after you come to build up experience that you begin to understand the full potential of sex and become a great lover.
Let the Feeling Sink in When It’s Over
When it’s all said and done, there will be a million emotions running through your body and a million thoughts running through your head. But sometimes it is best not to have a knee-jerk reaction and say or do too much in the moment right after it’s over. This is especially true for women, who have a long refractory period (come down period) after sex. Sometimes the feeling of just letting it all sink in is as important as the act itself.
Talk About It (or Not)
When you first have sex, you probably will want to tell everyone. You will want to debrief it with your best friend and maybe tell a few acquaintances about it. And it’s perfectly normal to talk about your experience.
But, it is just as normal to not talk about it as well. But if you do talk about it, make sure one of the people you discuss it with is the person you did it with. Chances are they will want to do it again. But if they do not want to, then having that open line of communication will be extremely important. So keep in mind that the act extends beyond just the one time that happens. It does have implications for future interactions as well.
And once you do it once… you will definitely want to do it as many times as you can.
How to Have Sex: A Wrap Up
Sex can be exhilarating. It can be controversial. It can be clandestine. But no matter what, it’ll change your life. And the first time very well may be the most important time you do it. It will most certainly be an experience that you never forget.
It can definitely be nerve-racking when you do not know how to have sex the right way when it is your first time. But hopefully I have outlined a good set of expectations and guidelines for making it as enjoyable as it possibly can be.
There will inevitably be some awkwardness and a few bumps in the road – but I see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind.
Carpe diem,
Colt
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